Home what would you have done in this horrific scenario?

[cocolaw]

by the way...I stole my idea about Tiger from some men who were discussing it on the train. It was so interesting listening to the men discuss Tiger''s affairs!

 

[Haven]

This is a hard one for me.

I''ve always been very much against cheating, and I made it very clear to DH early on in our relationship that I wouldn''t tolerate cheating in any way, shape, or form.

However, I''m not *really* sure if I would be able to kick him to the curb for cheating. It''s really difficult to work out in my mind, and I don''t imagine I''ll ever have to deal with this issue IRL, but without truly being faced with that decision, I can''t say I know how I''d react.

The older I get the more muddied issues like this become in my mind. My husband--I love that man more than I ever realized I could love anyone. If I''m completely honest with myself, I cannot imagine that learning of a one-night-stand he had with some strange woman would really make me leave him. Saying that goes against what I *believe* about cheating, but I just couldn''t let him go that easily. Assuming he wanted to stay in the relationship, and regretted cheating, I don''t think I''d leave him.

I would, however, postpone the wedding.

 

[Shoopy]

Date: 2/9/2010 8:01:03 PM
Author: thing2of2


I''m seriously BLOWN AWAY that you know THREE people who have been through this same situation! WOW. I''m even more blown away that your 2 female friends went through with the weddings! I can''t even begin to imagine standing up in front of everyone I love and reciting marriage vows with the piece of sh*t who just informed me that he cheated on me.

Do you know if your two women friends really wanted to go through with the marriage 100%, or did they just feel so overwhelmed with all the wedding stuff coming up that they felt like they couldn''t back out? I wonder how much the possible social pressures/expectations (not exactly what I''m trying to say but you know what I mean) played into their decisions...

I know about 7

Miami is an odd place.

Overwhelmed? No. Wrapped up in the glory of being a bride? Absolutely. The one that found out about the bachelor party/ex-gf fiasco acted like the happiest bride on the face of the planet on her wedding day.

They are still together last I heard. I haven''t kept up with them much.

And last I heard from my male friend, his ex-fi is pregnant with the man that she cheated on him with but not married yet. He doesn''t know whether they are engaged or not.

 

[LilyKat]

Date: 2/10/2010 1:05:58 AM
Author: Haven
This is a hard one for me.


I've always been very much against cheating, and I made it very clear to DH early on in our relationship that I wouldn't tolerate cheating in any way, shape, or form.


However, I'm not *really* sure if I would be able to kick him to the curb for cheating. It's really difficult to work out in my mind, and I don't imagine I'll ever have to deal with this issue IRL, but without truly being faced with that decision, I can't say I know how I'd react.


The older I get the more muddied issues like this become in my mind. My husband--I love that man more than I ever realized I could love anyone. If I'm completely honest with myself, I cannot imagine that learning of a one-night-stand he had with some strange woman would really make me leave him. Saying that goes against what I *believe* about cheating, but I just couldn't let him go that easily. Assuming he wanted to stay in the relationship, and regretted cheating, I don't think I'd leave him.


I would, however, postpone the wedding.

I agree with this. Life isn't always black and white. Unfortunately.

I guess I'd be a bit more likely to stay with him if HE was the one to come clean, and BEFORE we were legally bound. If I found out from someone else... that would almost certainly be the end.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

1. Ask if he actually wants to get married, because a part of me would have to wonder if this was his way of getting out of it without breaking it off himself. Honestly, I knows guys who are actually so messed up that they would confess to cheating even if they didn''t, just to get the girl to dump them because they think it''s "nicer" than dumping the girl.

2. If he apologizes and still wants to go through with the marriage, and he genuinely seemed remorseful, I would phone a lawyer friend STAT for a prenup saying that if we end up divorced, he has to pay for the wedding costs. Then I''d marry him and see if we can work it out. And if we can''t get over it, and divorce, then I have it writing that he has to pay me back for the wedding.


Weirdly, I''d rather he have cheated the night before at the bachelor party than 4 years ago when we started dating. Because that means he waited and lied for 4 YEARS, and CHOSE the day before our freakin wedding to drop this bomb on me. At least if he got drunk and let his friends talk him into something stupid the night before, he''s confessing ASAP.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 2/10/2010 7:50:21 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
1. Ask if he actually wants to get married, because a part of me would have to wonder if this was his way of getting out of it without breaking it off himself. Honestly, I knows guys who are actually so messed up that they would confess to cheating even if they didn''t, just to get the girl to dump them because they think it''s ''nicer'' than dumping the girl.

2. If he apologizes and still wants to go through with the marriage, and he genuinely seemed remorseful, I would phone a lawyer friend STAT for a prenup saying that if we end up divorced, he has to pay for the wedding costs. Then I''d marry him and see if we can work it out. And if we can''t get over it, and divorce, then I have it writing that he has to pay me back for the wedding.


Weirdly, I''d rather he have cheated the night before at the bachelor party than 4 years ago when we started dating. Because that means he waited and lied for 4 YEARS, and CHOSE the day before our freakin wedding to drop this bomb on me. At least if he got drunk and let his friends talk him into something stupid the night before, he''s confessing ASAP.

This is what I love about PS... you hear so many opinions that are different from your own. It''s good to get a broad perspective on an issue, and it''s very fascinating to me the number of women who feel that this is forgiveable... which I respect, but I can''t relate to personally. Yay for diversity of opinion!

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I know what you mean trillionaire.

I'm just kind of weird in general when it comes to the "cheating" thing. I've known some lovely couples in "open" marriages, and the extramarital nookie doesn't really bother me if both partners have an understanding about it. I'm much more bothered by the lying aspect than the physical cheating.

Haha, I joke with my hubby all the time when I'm super tired but he's still feeling playful, and ask if he's sure he doesn't want a girlfriend on the side so that I can nap in peace. And if he could find one that makes good soup I'd be much obliged

I do have my deal breakers though, violence being at the top of that list. And drugs, which includes smoking. If my hubby ever started smoking, he's 100% kicked out of the house until he quits. So yeah, we all have our own dealbreakers.

 

[Treasure43]

What an interesting topic with some really thought-provoking comments! We never know what we''ll actually do until we''re in that situation, but I know FOR SURE I would not be getting married to someone who had just confessed on our wedding day that they slept with someone else. I would be devestated, crying, angry, etc and would not be able to go through with the ceremony at that point. That being said, I honestly don''t think I would be able to get married to someone who had done that to me, no matter how much I loved them. I would be too heartbroken and not able to trust them in the future. Also, as another poster pointed out, it means he''s not the man I thought I was marrying.

 

[NY Princess]

This happened to DH about ten years ago. His then FI cheated on him and he broke up with her after he found out. He never told me how he found out only that he was stunned because they were dating for about three years and were engaged to get married. They hadn''t actually started planning the wedding although he had proposed and given her an e-ring.

Two months later, he met me and we started dating. He did tell me that afterward it was like he didn''t want her anymore. She was like a stranger...

 

[Tuckins1]

It would be the hardest thing to do in the world, but I would end it right then and there. There is no excuse he could possibly come up with that would make it acceptable.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/8/2010 3:21:27 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 2/8/2010 3:07:38 PM
Author: noelwr
if he told me the day after, a week after, a month, a year... I would still dump his ass. just because we''re married now doesn''t make it ok that he cheated on me before we were. we were still always in a committed relationship, regardless if it was legally recognized or not. DH feels the same way and would do the same to me. I can''t really tell you what I would 10 or 20 years from now.

Hi noelwr

I promise I''m not trying to be argumentative, I''m just intrigued by your point of view.

Isn''t marriage supposed to be forever? Through the ''good and the bad''?

So, at any point in time, if your DH cheats on you, your relationship is automatically over?

Sorry, I''m just trying to get a deeper sense of what your view is.

no, 45% ends in a divorce.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/11/2010 7:20:45 AM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I know what you mean trillionaire.

I''m just kind of weird in general when it comes to the ''cheating'' thing. I''ve known some lovely couples in ''open'' marriages, and the extramarital nookie doesn''t really bother me if both partners have an understanding about it. I''m much more bothered by the lying aspect than the physical cheating.

Haha, I joke with my hubby all the time when I''m super tired but he''s still feeling playful, and ask if he''s sure he doesn''t want a girlfriend on the side so that I can nap in peace. And if he could find one that makes good soup I''d be much obliged

I do have my deal breakers though, violence being at the top of that list. And drugs, which includes smoking. If my hubby ever started smoking, he''s 100% kicked out of the house until he quits. So yeah, we all have our own dealbreakers.

then why get marry?

just sleep with a different partner every nite.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 2/12/2010 6:27:31 PM
Author: NY Princess
This happened to DH about ten years ago. His then FI cheated on him and he broke up with her after he found out. He never told me how he found out only that he was stunned because they were dating for about three years and were engaged to get married. They hadn''t actually started planning the wedding although he had proposed and given her an e-ring.

Two months later, he met me and we started dating. He did tell me that afterward it was like he didn''t want her anymore. She was like a stranger...

did she return the ring?

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Date: 2/14/2010 5:23:18 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
then why get marry?

just sleep with a different partner every nite.

Haha, because you can be emotionally devoted to each other without being physically bound to one another (not to mention the legal/tax perks). It just depends on your definition of what acceptable interaction with other people is. For example, in some cultures, if you're a married woman, it's unacceptable to show any part of your body to another man, or to touch another man in any way. To do so would be breaking your vows. Most in America would say that's extreme, there's nothing deviant about shaking another man's hand.

So you could argue that if some people think of kissing or sleeping with other people as physical acts that don't necessarily have to involve deep emotional connotations, then extramarital sex would be as acceptable to them as extramarital dance partners are to others. I think much of how we define "fidelity" is based on our religious influences (on a societal or personal level), so as an atheist, I guess I'm maybe more understanding of differing definitions than others? As far as I'm concerned, marriage is a commitment and a promise, but what is promised depends on the couple in question and what makes them happy.

I think marriage can mean different things to different couples, as long as they are both on the same page about it, I'm happy to live and let live.

 

[trillionaire]

I thought fitting, from a movie...

Wife had an affair, and confesses many years later. (couple is older)

Wife: You are the only man that I have ever loved.
Husband: Then why are you telling me this now?
Wife: It's been bothering me... our vows and everything, and I wanted you to know the truth.
Husband: Well unfortunately, the truth makes everything else look like a lie.


ETA: saw the rest of the movie. they stay together, flaws and all...

 

[doodle]

I''d kill him. Our wedding would become his funeral...on second thought, maybe I''d marry him first so that after I killed him I might inherit something good. Then again, you can''t inherit if you yourself killed the person, right? Final answer: I''d marry him, have my brother kill him, and collect on his moolah. He''d be buried with a tombstone reading "Sorry Bat Rastard" because I''m spiteful.

 

[princesss]

I''d kick him in the nuts.

I mean.....nope, I mean I''d kick him in the nuts.

 

[allycat0303]

That''s a really hard question. If everyone was there and waiting for us in the church? I would have him tell them that the wedding was off. I would ask him not to give explanations though, because I think being cheated on is an immensely private, and embarrassing situation. I wouldn''t be able to stand in a church and promise to love him forever, without having been able to digest/grapple with this information.

As to whether or not the relationship was over. Well that''s harder to say. I don''t *think* I would be able to work through it. I believe that I would try to forgive/understand, but I don''t think my capacity for forgiveness is very big. I''ve cut a lot of people out of my life for much smaller offenses. So overtime, I think we would break up. It''s a horrible position to be in.

If

 

[stephbolt]

I have two close friends who dealt with cheating coming to light very close to the wedding date.

One, the groom found out about 3 months before the wedding that the bride had cheated on him. With the best man. I was the only person they told about it (I was the MOH in the wedding, and very close to both of them), and they wanted someone to confide in. They worked it out and have been married for nearly 2 years now happily.

The second friend found out a month after her wedding that her husband had been cheating on her for months leading up to their wedding. She divorced him.

I guess my point is, every situation is different. While I can''t condone cheating under any circumstance, I think there are circumstances in which it can be forgiven and you can move forward.

If I found out immediately before the wedding, I don''t think I could go forward with it. I would need some time to work through it and understand the situation before deciding what to do. So at the least, I would postpone the wedding.

 

[swingirl]

Date: 2/9/2010 10:37:05 AM
Author: tlh
Um, I probably would have hit him. Seriously HIT HIM. Because his confession only was to make HIM feel better. Making me feel bad. If he didn''t intend to do it again, well clearing his conscience was for HIM, not ME...thus not only making him a liar and a cheat, but also a selfish jerk too.

THIS. Coming clean about cheating was a cruel hurtful thing to do. But, I wouldn''t waste my energy on hitting him. I like the idea of him explaining to the wedding guests why they were going to get their gifts back, enjoy a nice meal but there''d be no ceremony.