Home what would you have done in this horrific scenario?

[noelwr]

This happened to a friend of a friend...

It''s the day before your wedding, and you''re stressed, but also excited and giddy thinking that tomorrow you will marry the man of your dreams. Then the man of your dreams tells you that he cheated on you.

What would you do?

The person who was in this scenario ended up marrying him anyway (she moved around the world for him), and now they have a child.

I know it''s difficult to know what you would do unless you really were in this scenario, but here''s what I think I would do:

I would tell him that tomorrow we will wait until all our guests have arrived, and then he will explain to everyone why we are not going through with the wedding. I would then ask him to please give me back all the money I spent on the wedding, and that would be the end of our relationship.

 

[oddoneout]

It would be hard (and embarassing) but yes I would dump his sorry behind and get my money back from the wedding.

 

[CNOS128]

I would at least postpone the wedding until I could talk it over with him, without all the excitement/stress of the upcoming event. But it''s unlikely that I would forgive someone who cheated, especially if it were someone to whom I was not yet legally bound. I doubt I would marry that person.

 

[Lauren8211]

The wedding would be postponed, at the very least. I could not stand up there on my "big day" the day after he dropped that bomb. I''d need some time to digest, for sure. I probably would not marry him, but it''s iffy. If we had been dating for years, and he said there was an indiscretion right when we started dating, but he wanted to come clean before we married, that''s different than if he paid some extra money for something special at the strip club for his Bachelor party.

 

[purselover]

I need more info, if he was having a relationship with someone else and had cheated multiple times it would have to be called off, if it were a one time thing years ago I think I would still go through with it.

 

[Prana]

I would want to know when and how many times said cheating occurred. If it was recently, I would do the same as you and make him explain to everybody why the wedding was off. If it was a one time thing years ago, I might understand but want to know why the heck he didn''t tell me that years ago before we were getting married.

 

[Rhea]

I''d need more information and think I''d postpone the wedding while we worked through it. I don''t believe that cheating ends the relationship automatically. Why did the groom feel the need to confess then?

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Date: 2/8/2010 7:49:00 AM
Author:noelwr
This happened to a friend of a friend...

It''s the day before your wedding, and you''re stressed, but also excited and giddy thinking that tomorrow you will marry the man of your dreams. Then the man of your dreams tells you that he cheated on you.

What would you do?

The person who was in this scenario ended up marrying him anyway (she moved around the world for him), and now they have a child.

I know it''s difficult to know what you would do unless you really were in this scenario, but here''s what I think I would do:

I would tell him that tomorrow we will wait until all our guests have arrived, and then he will explain to everyone why we are not going through with the wedding. I would then ask him to please give me back all the money I spent on the wedding, and that would be the end of our relationship.

Yep...what you said

If there was any chance to rebuild a relationship, this would have to happen, and if there was no chance then this would definitely have to happen, so there you have it...

 

[tradergirl]

If he didn''t do it yesterday or last week, and it was a one - off, c''est la vie. Life happens.

 

[lilyfoot]

I would definitely call the wedding off, immediately. I wouldn''t tell anybody why, I''m too private of a person for that.

I would spend a lot of time talking with Mr. Cheater, and crying, of course. However, I don''t think there''s anything he could say that would make me want to go through with marrying him.

I love my FI with everything in my body, but if he cheated on me, then he is not the man I know, or the man I want to marry.

 

[Laila619]

Date: 2/8/2010 7:49:00 AM
Author:noelwr
This happened to a friend of a friend...

It''s the day before your wedding, and you''re stressed, but also excited and giddy thinking that tomorrow you will marry the man of your dreams. Then the man of your dreams tells you that he cheated on you.

What would you do?

The person who was in this scenario ended up marrying him anyway (she moved around the world for him), and now they have a child.

I know it''s difficult to know what you would do unless you really were in this scenario, but here''s what I think I would do:

I would tell him that tomorrow we will wait until all our guests have arrived, and then he will explain to everyone why we are not going through with the wedding. I would then ask him to please give me back all the money I spent on the wedding, and that would be the end of our relationship.

I would probably do the same, or something similar. What an absolutely awful and heartbreaking situation!

 

[lilyfoot]

I have a question for all those who say they would immediately end the relationship .. would you do the same if he told you immediately following your wedding?

What about a week, a month, a year later?

I have a lot of thoughts on this subject, but am having a really difficult time putting them into words .. I''ll try to think more on it, and form sentences that will actually make sense to others

 

[noelwr]

if he told me the day after, a week after, a month, a year... I would still dump his ass. just because we''re married now doesn''t make it ok that he cheated on me before we were. we were still always in a committed relationship, regardless if it was legally recognized or not. DH feels the same way and would do the same to me. I can''t really tell you what I would 10 or 20 years from now.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/8/2010 3:07:38 PM
Author: noelwr
if he told me the day after, a week after, a month, a year... I would still dump his ass. just because we''re married now doesn''t make it ok that he cheated on me before we were. we were still always in a committed relationship, regardless if it was legally recognized or not. DH feels the same way and would do the same to me. I can''t really tell you what I would 10 or 20 years from now.

Hi noelwr

I promise I''m not trying to be argumentative, I''m just intrigued by your point of view.

Isn''t marriage supposed to be forever? Through the "good and the bad"?

So, at any point in time, if your DH cheats on you, your relationship is automatically over?

Sorry, I''m just trying to get a deeper sense of what your view is.

 

[elrohwen]

I agree with most of the other posts. If he cheated years ago and never did it again, but wanted to confess before the wedding, I would probably postpone, but quite possibly go through with it at a later date.

If it was something recent, he would be out on the street.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 2/8/2010 9:26:11 AM
Author: TheBigT
I would at least postpone the wedding until I could talk it over with him, without all the excitement/stress of the upcoming event. But it''s unlikely that I would forgive someone who cheated, especially if it were someone to whom I was not yet legally bound. I doubt I would marry that person.

I''d probably do this too. Although, Noelwr, I have to say that I love your response!

 

[BeachRunner]

There is no way I could look my soon-to-be husband in the eyes and say our vows after I just learned he cheated on me.

 

[iheartscience]

I would call it off and make sure everyone knew why. And I would also make sure he paid me back all the money I spent on the wedding, too. So pretty much exactly what you would do, noel!

And yeah-why did he feel compelled to tell her this right before they got married? I''m certainly not condoning cheating and I would dump my husband immediately if he cheated on me, but if it was a one time thing she would definitely be better off not knowing.

I''m not sure I agree with this advice, but several of the advice columnists I like to read typically tell people that if it was a one time thing and you''re not going to let it happen again, keep it to yourself because you''re only making someone else feel terrible to assuage your own guilt.

 

[yssie]

Oh my

well, the wedding would definitely be postponed... I''d be to busy throwing up to get through the ceremony.


I''m glad things worked out for your friend''s friend.. I know I couldn''t have made that same choice.

 

[noelwr]

hi lilyfoot. I feel strongly about this, but I'm not saying what we decide in our relationship is right for anyone else.

no, I don't think marriage is supposed to be forever. read on because that may sound strange! I mean to say that marriage is for as long as you are committed to it to last. so I think I chose the right person who like me is committed for it to last forever. however, everyone thinks that going into marriage. but still people change, they fall out of love, they get divorced. it happens, and you have to let people go so that they can be happy and you can eventually move on and be happy again.

when you say marriage is supposed to be forever through the good and the bad, I agree with you if by "bad" you mean things that are out of your control... like sickness, unemployment (as long as the person is proactively seeking a job), etc.

if by bad you mean choices that your spouse makes which shows that s/he is selfish and doesn't respect you, then no, I don't agree. choices for me that would end in divorce are cheating, drugs, obsessive gambling, and abuse (physical and verbal).

so to answer your question, yes, any time DH or I would ever cheat on each other, the relationship would automatically be over. however, that is if the cheating happened "recently". if we were married for 20 years and he told me that he cheated on me the first year we were dating (27 yrs ago)... I probably wouldn't care. it's strange how time changes things.

 

[Lilac]

I think it would really depend on when the cheating took place - if it had happened several years before and it was a one time thing, I would go through with the wedding. If it happened the day before or a couple months before, I would postpone until we could talk things through and I could gain a better understanding of why it happened and if it would happen again. It''s so hard to judge what I would do in a situation like that because it would be such an emotional time - it''s hard to really know for sure what I would do.

 

[charbie]

yeah, for me it would totally depend on the situation.

if it was a "when we first started dating, i went out and had one last fling w/ my ex-gf, but it made me realize even more that you''re the woman for me" type of deal...well, obviously he was trying to make sure he was going into the marriage with a clean conscience...and i probably could forgive him pretty quickly to get through the wedding the next day.

but if it was "oh, and i also called my ex-gf''s best friend at the bachelor party a few weeks ago, just to make sure we got things right here..." well then i''d be worried about going to jail for the harm i was about to do to this man.


i know we all love our spouses, but i have to say that of all the men i''ve ever dated, DH is the one who i know deep down in my heart could never ever ever cheat on me. i just don''t think it would ever be possible for him. its kind of a weird calm that i have about our relationship- there is absolutely not an ounce of jealousy that i have over any woman he comes in contact with.

 

[tlh]

Um, I probably would have hit him. Seriously HIT HIM. Because his confession only was to make HIM feel better. Making me feel bad. If he didn''t intend to do it again, well clearing his conscience was for HIM, not ME...thus not only making him a liar and a cheat, but also a selfish jerk too.

I am not sure what I would have done after that point - but my immediate impulse would be to hurt him... BAD.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/9/2010 3:45:27 AM
Author: noelwr
hi lilyfoot. I feel strongly about this, but I'm not saying what we decide in our relationship is right for anyone else.

no, I don't think marriage is supposed to be forever. read on because that may sound strange! I mean to say that marriage is for as long as you are committed to it to last. so I think I chose the right person who like me is committed for it to last forever. however, everyone thinks that going into marriage. but still people change, they fall out of love, they get divorced. it happens, and you have to let people go so that they can be happy and you can eventually move on and be happy again.

when you say marriage is supposed to be forever through the good and the bad, I agree with you if by 'bad' you mean things that are out of your control... like sickness, unemployment (as long as the person is proactively seeking a job), etc.

if by bad you mean choices that your spouse makes which shows that s/he is selfish and doesn't respect you, then no, I don't agree. choices for me that would end in divorce are cheating, drugs, obsessive gambling, and abuse (physical and verbal).

so to answer your question, yes, any time DH or I would ever cheat on each other, the relationship would automatically be over. however, that is if the cheating happened 'recently'. if we were married for 20 years and he told me that he cheated on me the first year we were dating (27 yrs ago)... I probably wouldn't care. it's strange how time changes things.

Hey

Thanks for explaining.

I actually agree with what you're saying .. I purposely didn't post my POV before, because I wanted to see what you would say.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that while yes, marriage should be forever, marriage is also a "contract" of sorts. And when one person breaks that contract (i.e. breaks their vows), they have effectively broken the "deal"/marriage.

I didn't mean to put you on the spot, noelwr, it's just a complicated subject in my mind, and I find others ideals intriguing. I want to believe that a marriage can last forever, but I know you can't control other's actions .. It's definitely very difficult to try to speculate what I would do .. hopefully none of us ever have to be faced with this situation!

ETA: noelwr, is that friend of a friend happy now?

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 2/9/2010 10:37:05 AM
Author: tlh
Um, I probably would have hit him. Seriously HIT HIM. Because his confession only was to make HIM feel better. Making me feel bad. If he didn''t intend to do it again, well clearing his conscience was for HIM, not ME...thus not only making him a liar and a cheat, but also a selfish jerk too.

I am not sure what I would have done after that point - but my immediate impulse would be to hurt him... BAD.

This was my first reaction to the question too

I''m not a violent person, I''ve never hit FI, but I''m pretty sure this would put me over the edge of sanity!

 

[Shoopy]

I find this topic so interesting and especially the responses!

This kind of scenario happens all.the.time. Seriously, all the time. But it is very rare when the bride (or groom because women cheat too) actually calls off the wedding.

I had two friends go through with the wedding when they found out. One cheated during his bachelor party (slept with an ex-gf that showed up to the party). The other cheated weeks before.

I have one male friend whose ex-FI cheated on him a month before the wedding and he called it off. This happened about three years ago. He married another woman last month

 

[Ara Ann]

Several years ago, when our house was being built, a nice and very cute newlywed couple had just bought a new house too...they''d only been married about 6 months...but he only lived in the new house for less than two months...she found out he cheated on her, before they were married (like up to the wedding) and was still cheating on her. She kicked him out and kept the house. My question is, why would a guy marry ''woman B'' at all, if he was fooling around with ''woman A'' and had no intention of stopping? Makes me

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 2/9/2010 3:20:57 PM
Author: fiery
I find this topic so interesting and especially the responses!

This kind of scenario happens all.the.time. Seriously, all the time. But it is very rare when the bride (or groom because women cheat too) actually calls off the wedding.

I had two friends go through with the wedding when they found out. One cheated during his bachelor party (slept with an ex-gf that showed up to the party). The other cheated weeks before.

I have one male friend whose ex-FI cheated on him a month before the wedding and he called it off. This happened about three years ago. He married another woman last month

I''m seriously BLOWN AWAY that you know THREE people who have been through this same situation! WOW. I''m even more blown away that your 2 female friends went through with the weddings! I can''t even begin to imagine standing up in front of everyone I love and reciting marriage vows with the piece of sh*t who just informed me that he cheated on me.

Do you know if your two women friends really wanted to go through with the marriage 100%, or did they just feel so overwhelmed with all the wedding stuff coming up that they felt like they couldn''t back out? I wonder how much the possible social pressures/expectations (not exactly what I''m trying to say but you know what I mean) played into their decisions...

 

[trillionaire]

I''m OUT!

Anyone who was marrying me knows I have a ZERO tolerance policy about cheating, so my assumption would be that they were telling me so that the wedding would be called off. Why in the world would I commit to someone who couldn''t even respect me in the most basic way? Totaly non-sense. Fidelity is merely a decision, and it''s not a particularly difficult one either...

...anyway, it would totally change the dynamics of our relationship, so there would be no point.

 

[cocolaw]

My views on cheating in general aside, I think it shows that he is not ready for marriage...at least not now. Too many men get married for the wrong reasons, or get married too young. Who knows....maybe Tiger would have been a good husband if he waited until his forties to get married...after satisfying ALL of those urges!