What to say to a friend?

[wyndham]

Hi All,
I recently sent out my Save the Dates, and a friend from college emailed me and said she''s incredibly excited and that she''ll definitely be there. I was thrilled to get her email, so I wrote her back saying how glad I was that she thinks she''ll be able to make it. She wrote back again telling me that her boyfriend of several months (whom I have never met) was online at that very moment looking at flight and hotel prices for the TWO of them.

Our guest list is already slightly larger than our venue capacity, so we were only able to give ''plus one''s to our friends who are engaged, married, or living together with their significant others. Additionally, FI and I have a strong belief that we''d prefer to avoid meeting people on our wedding day, and a lot of the ''plus one''s who didn''t make the cut also happen to be people that we''ve never met (like this boyfriend). I''m sure they''re all great people and I''d love to meet them eventually, but I don''t want to meet them on my wedding day.

So, I guess my question is...how do I handle this? Should I email her back? Call her? What do I say? I really don''t want to have to do this!!

Thanks all.

 

[cammy85]

it seems like every bride has to face the person who invites their significant other who wasn''t on the actual invitation.

I would call her up and just say that while you would love to meet her boyfriend at some time, unfortunately space is very very tight, and you can only accomodate your friend. It''ll be up to her whether she wants to have fun at your wedding without her boyfriend or if she will pass it up.

Honestly, I don''t think there is an easy way to do it. It''s hard when people are so excited, and you realize that they invited other people you hadn''t intended. Even if the ''space issue'' is a little white lie, I think it''s better then telling her that you don''t want to have to meet him on your wedding day.

Just my .02

 

[Winks_Elf]

I'd email her back and explain the following:

"I'm sorry for any misunderstandings, but the invitation was just for you. We are on a tight budget, and are not planning to have our single friends bring extra guests that we don't know."

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 3/3/2009 10:52:20 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
I''d email her back and explain the following:


''I''m sorry for any misunderstandings, but the invitation was just for you. We are on a tight budget, and are not planning to have our single friends bring extra guests that we don''t know.''

Ditto

 

[tlh]

The plus ones... is a tricky subject. I figured that for out of town guests who may not know anyone else... that it would be better to allow them a date... because it would free up the getting to know you, awkward, we only know the bride and groom, but the bride and groom are busy talking to everyone else.

You may find that allowing her a date will free up some of her time... but not allowing her a date and she may not come. Also, if she has a date, she may be on the dance floor, dancing and having fun... which is honestly.. CONTAGIOUS!

My wedding planner once told me that, as a rule of thumb 10% of your guests that RSVP yes... will for whatever reason... just not show up. (Dont count on this... but it was true in our case.) I know your guest list is tight, but I found at my wedding the people that asked if they could bring a date (the invite was to them only) that I told, space is limited (IT WAS) and I was unable to allow everyone to bring a date. They understood... but the sad part was... the week of my wedding... I received calls from people about deaths in the family... leaving spaces (already paid for mind you) open... and I called the single friends to allow them to bring a date - only to have it thrown in my face. I actually wished I had allowed them to bring dates... because it was two people in particular that just kept coming up and bugging me when i was talking to my 70 yr old and my DH''s almost 90 year old grandparents.

So my .02 take it or leave it... is... go ahead and let her bring a date. Trust me.. .you will be surprised who will come to your wedding, and sometimes surprised with who said they''ll be there...and well.. doesn''t show up.

 

[Cleopatra]

I know I''ll probably get reamed for this, but I''m just stating my personal opinion.

In this case, I would personally make an exception - especially if she is coming in from out of town - far enough to have to purchase a plane ticket and a hotel room - I would feel bad forcing her to make the trip alone - of course, it would be up to her if she would come without her boyfriend, but I know that if I were invited to an out of town wedding and my boyfriend were not invited, I would rather not make the trip than to spend the cash on a plane ticket and hotel room just for myself.

Just my opinion...sorry if I offend anyone.

 

[wyndham]

Date: 3/3/2009 10:58:06 AM
Author: tlh
The plus ones... is a tricky subject. I figured that for out of town guests who may not know anyone else... that it would be better to allow them a date... because it would free up the getting to know you, awkward, we only know the bride and groom, but the bride and groom are busy talking to everyone else.

You may find that allowing her a date will free up some of her time... but not allowing her a date and she may not come. Also, if she has a date, she may be on the dance floor, dancing and having fun... which is honestly.. CONTAGIOUS!

My wedding planner once told me that, as a rule of thumb 10% of your guests that RSVP yes... will for whatever reason... just not show up. (Dont count on this... but it was true in our case.) I know your guest list is tight, but I found at my wedding the people that asked if they could bring a date (the invite was to them only) that I told, space is limited (IT WAS) and I was unable to allow everyone to bring a date. They understood... but the sad part was... the week of my wedding... I received calls from people about deaths in the family... leaving spaces (already paid for mind you) open... and I called the single friends to allow them to bring a date - only to have it thrown in my face. I actually wished I had allowed them to bring dates... because it was two people in particular that just kept coming up and bugging me when i was talking to my 70 yr old and my DH''s almost 90 year old grandparents.

So my .02 take it or leave it... is... go ahead and let her bring a date. Trust me.. .you will be surprised who will come to your wedding, and sometimes surprised with who said they''ll be there...and well.. doesn''t show up.

Thanks TLH, it''s nice to hear about other people''s experiences! My concern is that we have invited 14 other friends who are ''casually'' dating someone as well, so if I make an exception for this friend, I''d have to make it for everyone else to be fair. We definitely can''t accomodate another 14 people unless we get a ton of "no" responses, and I won''t know that until closer to the wedding. What do you suggest??

Thanks!

 

[PearlDahhhling]

We''re on a pretty tight budget with our wedding and also don''t really want people that we don''t know there. We decided that people we invite can only bring their SO if they''re married, engaged, or living together/been together for a significant amount of time (several years). Thankfully there are only a few people we are invited who are casually dating someone, and so I don''t think they''ll mind.

My cousin for example was telling me that she was so excited for me to meet her new boyfriend at the wedding! I politely let her know that unfortunately we''re on a tight budget and can''t afford for people to bring guests, and she was really understanding about it.

Just let her know that you''d love to meet her boyfriend in a different setting but that you''re trying to keep the wedding as intimate as possible and can''t afford "plus one''s". People can''t really argue with you if it''s a matter of finances (even if that''s really not the problem for you

). Also just letting people know that you have a certain number of people who can even FIT in your venue is a good way to avoid people thinking they can bring a guest. Obviously you can''t have more people than you have space for.

Good luck!

 

[Inanna]

My FI and I have just been through this same dilemma. A lot of our GREAT friends have significant others we''ve never met. We weren''t crazy about the idea of having strangers at our intimate wedding either.

I''m not sure if our situation relates to yours - we''re having a destination wedding. Essentially everyone is an out-of-town guest, so I feel we need to be even more accommodating to them. Ultimately we decided to trim our guest list to those friends and family who really mean a lot to us - if some of them want to bring a guest, we''re going to allow it (and we ensured our guest list and budget made room for our guests'' guests). Our reasoning: everyone we invite is dishing out a huge amount of money to see us marry (flight, rental car, hotel)... I certainly wouldn''t want to travel alone to a romantic destination and neither would FI.

If you''re friend lives in the same location as the wedding, I think you can politely explain your situation. If she''s traveling any significant distance to attend your wedding, honestly, I really think she should be allowed to bring someone.

 

[wyndham]

Thanks everyone for the opinions. If I allow her to bring her new boyfriend, what do I say to any of the other 14 friends who ask to bring a date? We already invited 35 people more than our venue even holds...so this is a really legitimate capacity issue! I don''t want to tell her she can bring him and then turn down other people in the same situation...because if I were going to let a few of the single people bring significant others, we have other friends who would ''rank'' ahead of her (i.e. they''ve been dating their SOs longer, we''ve met their SOs, etc.).

Regarding the travel issue -- I hear you, Inanna. Most of our guests will have to travel to our wedding, so I unfortunately can''t use the whole ''do they or don''t they have to travel'' question as criteria for who I allow to bring an extra date.

So for those of you said I should give her a ''plus one'' -- what do you think about the other single guests who might want to bring someone?

Thanks!

 

[Cleopatra]

Personally, I think the biggest issue is traveling alone - Just because people have been dating longer doesn''t necessarily give them the leg up - You can''t judge relationships by how long someone has been together - personally, if someone has to buy a plane ticket and get a hotel room, then i would absolutely give them a plus one - traveling alone is just not fun. If you can''t afford/get the space for a "plus one" when that person has to travel a long distance to be there for you on your wedding day, then i wouldn''t invite them. Sorry that sounds blunt, but that''s how I would handle it.

I know everyone has varying opinions about the "plus one" issue, so I''m sorry if I offend anyone. We gave everyone a "plus one" - and yes, there were people that I didn''t know at my wedding, but did I care? Nope!

 

[wyndham]

Thanks for the opinion Cleopatra. Unfortunately, all of these people have already been invited, so not inviting them isn''t an option. I''m really looking for advice on what to do at this point about the 14 extra potential "plus ones" -- I want to be fair. Are you saying I should just wait for people to ask to bring a plus one and then let them if I have the room?

Thanks.

 

[tlh]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:02:14 AM
Author: wyndham

Thanks TLH, it''s nice to hear about other people''s experiences! My concern is that we have invited 14 other friends who are ''casually'' dating someone as well, so if I make an exception for this friend, I''d have to make it for everyone else to be fair. We definitely can''t accomodate another 14 people unless we get a ton of ''no'' responses, and I won''t know that until closer to the wedding. What do you suggest??

Thanks!

I made exceptions for the out of town guests. Travelling w/o a date sucks. Plus, most people wont really confront you on it either (they wont be able to tell if someone they don''t know is serious or casually dating, unless your out of town friend hooks up with an usher or something...)... and those 14 other people... do they KNOW EACH OTHER? If they do... they''ll have more fun w/o a date in my opinion. It is just a judgement call on your part.

One guy in particular actually called me about it... HE WASN''T SEEING ANYONE AT ALL!!! TOTALLY SINGLE! and he was like, can I bring a date? and I said, no our venue is pretty small and he was like... ok fine. Will there be any hot chicks there? OMG, what is it with people! He just wanted to bring a girl so he could NAIL HER! Sorry... in that case... NO you cannot bring a date! haha! What is funny is, I was telling my grandma who was helping me with the wedding, and she was like... ohh.. let people bring dates... even the single ones... You''ll be surprised with how many people will show up stage... Plus weddings are more fun with young and single people gettin'' frisky! THIS IS FROM MY GRANDMA!

Now, I was always a fun single girl who got invited to a BUNCH of weddings... what can I say, I have a lot of guy friends, and I LOVE WEDDINGS! I am not a hoochie who hooks up w/ guys... but I am cute, and fun. I dance, and I DRINK A LOT OF BOOZE.. and I''ll boogie some more. I never NEEDED a date, I''ve been invited many times and brought female friends as my +1.. other times I''d go stag.. I just found I had a LOT more fun w/o my casual BF in tow. I can see where this can make some people upset... but I was never called out on it because I am so overtly sexual, some people wondered if the girls really were my "dates" hah! You know what though... me and my single girlfriend.. ended up getting single guy friends out on the dance floor .. and it works out. So even when you address "and guest" you are allowing your Guest to PICK THAT GUEST... it may not even be a boyfriend!

So longwinded.. my point is just... you won''t have to explain this to your 14 friends. YOU THINK YOU WILL.. but you wont. Trust me. Your wedding will be a whirlwind... and it will go by faster than you know. I would just accomodate this friend.. and make room. If the 14 other friends become an issue... address it then. But I doubt it will be.

 

[tlh]

and on a sidenote... I would just address it if they bring it up... i have friends who MUST bring a date if the invite is addressed and guest.... even when tehy aren''t seeing someone... they just have that need. Most people understand when it is addressed to only them... that the invite is for them only.

You should be excited so many people want to come!

 

[JSM]

Hmm... well, I don''t know about anyone else, but I wouldn''t invite a guy I was dating ''casually'' to an out of town wedding. An in-town wedding, sure, but my guess is that if she is spending all this money to attend with her boyfriend, and they''ve been dating several months, it''s probably fairly serious.

I know it''s a tough situation, but if you can''t find the room for her date, I wouldn''t expect her to attend alone.

 

[tessari]

I agree with everythng cleo said. I always assumed that wedding invitations have a plus one--maybe that is just a cultural thing. Your venue numbers do put you in a pickle...maybe you can talk to the coordinator there and see if they''ll bend a little? If it''s a very close friend I am sure that she will understand but if not then you should accept the fact that you risk offending her.

 

[dcgator]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:35:16 AM
Author: wyndham
Thanks for the opinion Cleopatra. Unfortunately, all of these people have already been invited, so not inviting them isn''t an option. I''m really looking for advice on what to do at this point about the 14 extra potential ''plus ones'' -- I want to be fair. Are you saying I should just wait for people to ask to bring a plus one and then let them if I have the room?

Thanks.

Hi Wyndham,

I can understand your problem. We are actually getting around it by not inviting alot of our firends b/c we have big extended families and both parents are divorced and remarried. But, since you are inviting a large number of freinds, here is my take:

Are you sure that all 14 friends are going to ask to bring their dates? IMO, it is pretty much accepted from people who have attended a wedding or two that unless you are living together, or enagaged/married, your BF/GF is not invited. Are you saying that those 14 other friends don''t know this or are you just not wanting to have to extend your guest list for one more person.

If you are that worried about extending your guest list b/c of space constraints, tell your friend that you really want her BF to come, but it would be more of a game time decision (like a month or so before) and if you have the space, he is more than welcome to come. If you just don''t want the guy there, then tell her that too. However, I tend to agree with others that I would let the BF come and just deal with each BF/GF on a case-by-case basis.

Good luck whatever you choose!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 3/3/2009 10:52:20 AM
Author: Winks_Elf
I''d email her back and explain the following:

''I''m sorry for any misunderstandings, but the invitation was just for you. We are on a tight budget, and are not planning to have our single friends bring extra guests that we don''t know.''

Ditto except I wouldn''t say "single friends" because she doesn''t consider herself single (and if you''re going to get technical...you are technically all single if you aren''t married

).

 

[havernell]

I would call or email your friend (whichever way you feel most comfortable) and just tell her what you've told us- that your venue can't accommodate all of your friends significant others, and so she's the only one invited to your wedding (not her current boyfriend). I assume you'll be inviting other college friends, so it's not like she won't know anyone at the wedding. Perhaps she could even room with another friend (or group of girls) so as to lessen her travel expenses. If she chooses not to come because you didn't invite her boyfriend too, then that's her personal decision to make. You know how many people you can afford to have at your wedding/can fit in your reception space, so stick with your original plans to only invite her and not her boyfriend.

Someone else mentioned letting only those single people who ask to bring a date do so (kind of a case-by-case situation). I don't think this is wise at all since that means you are punishing the people who DO try to respect your guest list constratains and rewarding the people who aren't considerate of your budget/space and bug you into letting them bring a date anyway. Don't punish the respectful people!

You need to stay consistent on this. Sounds like you and your fiance devised a good plan for deciding who gets a plus one and who doesn't so STICK TO IT! This is only the first of many people who will complain about/misunderstand your guest list policies (trust me), so start NOW saying "no" to people who try to make your change your policy.

Good luck talking to your friend about this, and remember to stay strong! A reasonable friend will understand. Go contact her now and then come back to let us know how it went!

 

[teapot]

Honestly, I think you need to call your friend and see if they have purchased the ticket. If they have, you should tell her that you don't have room for her boyfriend, but you will make an exception.

Now moving forward, when your friend calls/emails, you make sure they know of your restrictions so they don't make the same mistake. I was very clear with my guest and that helped alleviate a lot of the problems.

ETA: I should clarify, don't make your friend feel bad for inviting her boyfriend, but make it clear that space is an issue.

 

[Clairitek]

I have a feeling that FI and I will run into the SAME issue because we don''t plan on extending +1s to people who aren''t engaged, married, living together, or in a serious long term (we''re talking on the order of years) relationship with someone whom we have met personally. I also doubt that many of FIs friends (who are all the single ones) will know enough about wedding etiquette to know that if the envelope doesn''t say "and Guest" on it then you are invited solo.

I would do what the others have suggested and call her to let her know that you would have liked to accomodate her boyfriend but there just isn''t room at the moment. I sincerely hope she will still come anyways and have a good time at your wedding!

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:54:14 AM
Author: jsm
Hmm... well, I don''t know about anyone else, but I wouldn''t invite a guy I was dating ''casually'' to an out of town wedding. An in-town wedding, sure, but my guess is that if she is spending all this money to attend with her boyfriend, and they''ve been dating several months, it''s probably fairly serious.

I know it''s a tough situation, but if you can''t find the room for her date, I wouldn''t expect her to attend alone.

Ditto!!! I wouldn''t want to go alone either. And that''s ONE of several reasons I''m not going to a friend''s wedding in NC this summer.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:54:14 AM

Author: jsm

Hmm... well, I don''t know about anyone else, but I wouldn''t invite a guy I was dating ''casually'' to an out of town wedding. An in-town wedding, sure, but my guess is that if she is spending all this money to attend with her boyfriend, and they''ve been dating several months, it''s probably fairly serious.

I know it''s a tough situation, but if you can''t find the room for her date, I wouldn''t expect her to attend alone.

I know I said before that I wouldn''t allow her to bring a guest but I missed this post above and I do think this is a really good point. I know that you didn''t make space in the guest list for this guy but perhaps this point will give a little insight into her situation.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 3/3/2009 3:13:35 PM
Author: havernell
I would call or email your friend (whichever way you feel most comfortable) and just tell her what you''ve told us- that your venue can''t accommodate all of your friends significant others, and so she''s the only one invited to your wedding (not her current boyfriend). I assume you''ll be inviting other college friends, so it''s not like she won''t know anyone at the wedding. Perhaps she could even room with another friend (or group of girls) so as to lessen her travel expenses. If she chooses not to come because you didn''t invite her boyfriend too, then that''s her personal decision to make. You know how many people you can afford to have at your wedding/can fit in your reception space, so stick with your original plans to only invite her and not her boyfriend.

Someone else mentioned letting only those single people who ask to bring a date do so (kind of a case-by-case situation). I don''t think this is wise at all since that means you are punishing the people who DO try to respect your guest list constratains and rewarding the people who aren''t considerate of your budget/space and bug you into letting them bring a date anyway. Don''t punish the respectful people!

You need to stay consistent on this. Sounds like you and your fiance devised a good plan for deciding who gets a plus one and who doesn''t so STICK TO IT! This is only the first of many people who will complain about/misunderstand your guest list policies (trust me), so start NOW saying ''no'' to people who try to make your change your policy.

Good luck talking to your friend about this, and remember to stay strong! A reasonable friend will understand. Go contact her now and then come back to let us know how it went!

Ditto every word!

I''m also not inviting anyone''s boyfriends or girlfriends that I don''t already have a relationship with. So my friends will not get a +1 because I can''t afford it and I don''t really want strangers at my wedding.

 

[musey]

Date: 3/3/2009 11:17:29 AM
Author: Cleopatra
Personally, I think the biggest issue is traveling alone - Just because people have been dating longer doesn''t necessarily give them the leg up - You can''t judge relationships by how long someone has been together - personally, if someone has to buy a plane ticket and get a hotel room, then i would absolutely give them a plus one - traveling alone is just not fun. If you can''t afford/get the space for a ''plus one'' when that person has to travel a long distance to be there for you on your wedding day, then i wouldn''t invite them. Sorry that sounds blunt, but that''s how I would handle it.

Date: 3/3/2009 11:54:14 AM
Author: jsm
Hmm... well, I don''t know about anyone else, but I wouldn''t invite a guy I was dating ''casually'' to an out of town wedding. An in-town wedding, sure, but my guess is that if she is spending all this money to attend with her boyfriend, and they''ve been dating several months, it''s probably fairly serious.

I know it''s a tough situation, but if you can''t find the room for her date, I wouldn''t expect her to attend alone.

Ditto both of these posts. We didn''t invite plus ones for single (and by single, I mean not seeing anyone at all at the time the invites went out) guests, but made an exception for out-of-town guests. Those guests all got plus ones, regardless of relationship status. Most people don''t like to travel alone - especially not to a wedding where they won''t know many others (if they will have more than one other friend there, that''s a different story, IMO).

I know that''s not what you want to hear because at this point it''s too late for you (unless you CAN make room on the guest list for +1s)

but I just wanted to say that jsm and cleopatra (and the other people who''ve dittoed them already) are not the only ones with this stance.


In this instance, if you really cannot accommodate +1s for your out-of-town "single" guests, your only option is to talk to her/them honestly about it (a la Winks Elf''s suggestion). We can''t tell you whether email or phone is the best option, only you would know which your friend would receive better.

 

[CNOS128]

I was invited to an out of town (destination) wedding last year without a guest, and brought my fiance with me (to be fair, he wasn''t yet my fiance when the invitations went out). But, I made sure my the bride knew that my fiance was ready to entertain himself that evening if they didn''t have room for him. Of course, she invited him to stay.

I felt tremendously bad bringing an uninvited guest along, but there''s no way I would have traveled there by myself. I realize that even asking my friend put her in the difficult position of telling me my fiance wasn''t allowed to join me, but I would have been okay with her saying no.

Anyway, I guess my point is that people don''t like to travel, especially to weddings, alone. We''re doing everything possible to invite guests for every friend, because of the travel issue and because I think people do tend to have more fun (or at least dance more) if they have a friend/lover with them.

 

[tropiqalkiwi]

If you are that worried about extending your guest list b/c of space constraints, tell your friend that you really want her BF to come, but it would be more of a game time decision (like a month or so before) and if you have the space, he is more than welcome to come. If you just don''t want the guy there, then tell her that too. However, I tend to agree with others that I would let the BF come and just deal with each BF/GF on a case-by-case basis.

I think this could work, since you said all you did so far was send your STD''s I would ask her to wait until you get a few responses from your invitations once you send those out. Let her know about the space issue and tell her you are happy to include her boyfriend, but were not originally planning on it (only if you are happy to include her BF of course). Then when you get sufficient RSVPS let her know whether her BF is welcome or not. I would then do this with the rest of your friends who ask as well.

 

[havernell]

To pick up on a point Musey made, for those of you saying that Wyndham should try to include this friend''s boyfriend simply because no one likes to travel alone, would you feel differently if it was the case that this girl is one of a group of 6 or 8 close college friends who are all invited (meaning that this friend will have PLENTY of people to hang out with/room with at the wedding)? I can kind of see the point about letting someone bring a guest for a wedding out of town where they will not know anyone else IF there is space, but Wyndham said this girl was a friend from college, so I would venture a guess that she will know others attending the wedding (Wyndham correct me if this is not true). Sure, she may have to fly alone for a few hours, but I think any adult should be able to manage that just fine.

So, if Wyndham''s friend will know lots of other people at the wedding, is there any problem with inviting just her (and not giving her a +1)?

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/3/2009 10:44:41 PM
Author: havernell
To pick up on a point Musey made, for those of you saying that Wyndham should try to include this friend''s boyfriend simply because no one likes to travel alone, would you feel differently if it was the case that this girl is one of a group of 6 or 8 close college friends who are all invited (meaning that this friend will have PLENTY of people to hang out with/room with at the wedding)? I can kind of see the point about letting someone bring a guest for a wedding out of town where they will not know anyone else IF there is space, but Wyndham said this girl was a friend from college, so I would venture a guess that she will know others attending the wedding (Wyndham correct me if this is not true). Sure, she may have to fly alone for a few hours, but I think any adult should be able to manage that just fine.

So, if Wyndham''s friend will know lots of other people at the wedding, is there any problem with inviting just her (and not giving her a +1)?

If there will be a bunch of friends of the guest, then I wouldn''t invite the BF unless it was a "I''m not coming without him" type of thing...

 

[Elmorton]

I stood hard and fast on the "single friends do not have a +1" at the wedding thing, and I absolutely agree with you that meeting people at your wedding is lame. For my own wedding, I p''d off several girlfriends because I said nope, you cannot bring your random fling from two Januarys ago to my wedding as a random date. I don''t regret that for a minute.

However, there were some exceptions made. First exceptions made were to people who RSVPed for two when 1 was invited. Yes, it was rude for that person to do so, but it was equally rude for us to 1) not know that person was in a relationship and 2) have the audacity to call and "disinvite." The other exception was for friends who called and asked that a SO come - for example, a friend of mine asked if her boyfriend of 3 mos was invited - she moved in with him a month after our wedding, and I''ll be standing up in their wedding this July. I can''t imagine how awful I would feel now if I would have said something along the lines of "Nah, we don''t know him, so sorry, please don''t bring him." I know it would have put a really nasty wrinkle in our friendship.

As to the 14 others/being fair - first, they''re probably not going to go around taking a survey of how long each guest has been with her/his SO, so who makes the cut and who doesn''t isn''t really for them to know. For example, I was very "no kids!" with a friend (whose daughter is my goddaughter - and I knew she and her brothers couldn''t sit through the whole ceremony) but didn''t breathe a word of that to my cousin because I know my grandparents dote on her very, very well-behaved children and wanted to have photos of the whole family together. Said friend never noticed, and if she did, she never asked me about it.

Inviting 30+ people more than your venue holds is a leeetle problematic, but I agree that the 10% rule of thumb is something you can be pretty safe when betting on. The majority of our guests were local or family who had been planning for a year to come, and we still had 15 people not come from a guest list of almost 140. People get sick the day of, get lost on the way to the reception and miss dinner (both of these things happened at my wedding)...things will fall into place. I wouldn''t worry too much - not yet anway