What to expect when family member comes to stay to help with newborn?

[Peepa]

What do you guys expect your family member to help out with if they say they''ll come to "help with baby" in the first few weeks.
Are they there solely to care for the baby or help with the entire situation, meaning running errands such as groceries, dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc.
I''m not saying all of that, but does assisting with household chores part of them coming to stay to help with baby?

 

[vespergirl]

I read some really great advice about this in a baby book with my first pregnancy - all the visitors want to hold the baby, but the help that you REALLY need is housework help. It is your baby - you deserve to hold, feed and enjoy it now that it is here. Of course family members can hold the baby too, but the book said that family members coming to visit should act like helpers, not houseguests - that includes cooking, dishes, laundry, garbage, and housecleaning. Otherwise, it will overwhelm the new mom - then not only is she taking care of the new baby, but a houseful of guests as well.

I decided that I wanted the first couple of weeks just home alone with my husband and baby - he took a week off after the baby was born to help out, and then I had a week on my own to develop a feeding and sleep schedule with the baby. Once we were settled in, then I invited my mother to come and stay for a few weeks, when my baby was about 3 weeks old. She did all the cooking and cleaning, and helped out with the baby if I needed it. But mostly, I took care of the baby on my own.

A few weeks after my mother left, my in-laws came up. They were also very helpful, and took care of the house and pets while I took care of the baby.

Of course the grandparents should bond with the baby, and there will be plenty of time for that as well.

However, one of my friends had a baby last year, and her very lazy MIL came to stay with them for a month after the baby was born. My friend was furious, because this woman didn''t want to do anything but hold the baby, meanwhile she would make huge messes and never clean up after herself, never mind help with the baby''s laundry or anything. She finally had to have her husband ask her MIL to leave, because she was lounging around like a houseguest, not helping, and creating twice as much work for my friend who was trying to recover from a c-section.

So, don''t feel bad about delegating tasks to your family that comes to stay with you. Give them specific things to do, and it will keep them busy and they will be happy to know that they are helping you out.

 

[MustangGal]

I think it completely depends on who it is and what they''re good at. My mom came to stay for a few days a week after the birth, and she took the baby at night so I could sleep, helped with cooking and dishes. My MIL cames a few weeks later, and didn''t have anything to do with the baby at night, but did the laundry, watched the baby during the day, and cleaned the kitchen. Their attitudes were different also, and what they were willing to consider "helping out".

It might be best to share your expectations with the guest before they arrive, so that it''s clear what you expect and you know what that person is willing to do.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/26/2009 2:13:35 PM
Author:Peepa
What do you guys expect your family member to help out with if they say they''ll come to ''help with baby'' in the first few weeks.
Are they there solely to care for the baby or help with the entire situation, meaning running errands such as groceries, dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc.
I''m not saying all of that, but does assisting with household chores part of them coming to stay to help with baby?

It all depends on what kind of help you want or prefer.

When my daughter was born, my mom stayed for two weeks (she left for two days and came back when I admited I was going through baby blues and was feeling really depressed. She came back that night and stood for an additional week).

While she was here, I told her that I was determined to take care of DD myself and she respected that. She helped with cooking and cleaning. I had a clean home every day and I always had something to eat (she would even bring me food to bed so that I could continue sleeping after). When it came to DD, she helped with changing her diaper, putting her to sleep, and entertaining her if I was taking a shower or eating. The first night she came back after telling her about the blues, she took DD''s bassinet out of my room and had me pump so that she can feed her at night and I could catch up on my sleep. She would also force me out of the house to get some fresh air. We''d go to the mall, the park, or just walk around the neighborhood. And every time I did something new with DD (give her a bath for example) my mom would boost my confidence by telling me that I''m doing a great job (which is what I needed to hear during that period). I am so grateful for my mother. She is absolutely wonderful.

My experience with my mom made me realize that I didn''t need much help with my daughter but having someone around to cook me a meal or bring me a meal is what I really wanted and appreciated.

My MIL is a totally different story however. When she comes over to "help", she actually just wants to hold my daughter and keep her from falling asleep. She would frequently tell me that my daughter was so lazy because she was napping and she would walk over to DD and say "Please don''t fall asleep, grandma is here" and would wake her up

. And the entire time I had to make sure I had coffee for her or something to eat for her. I even had to entertain her and her family that she invited over to my home at 9pm until 2am when DD was just 3 days old

. A funny side story: It was right when my mom had left. DD was about 8 days old. MIL calls to tell me that she''s coming over to "help" but that she was cooking and tells me everything on her menu. My mouth was watering. Then she shows up with a huge bag and I thought for sure that she had brought me some food and I was thrilled. Turns out it was a new coffee maker and then said "let''s try it out!" and sat on the couch so that I could make her the coffee LOL

. She also thought that everything I did was either hurting or would hurt dd: I was burping her too hard, wasn''t carrying her correctly, and she told me that I shouldn''t go out of the house without FI because I could either fall down the stairs with her, get into a car accident, forget her in the mall, or get her kidnapped

Anyway, I''ll only have MIL over when it''s a good day and I don''t mind DD having a playmate (because honestly, that''s what she is). On days that I''m really stressed out, I ignore her calls.

I know it sounds diva-ish but there are so many new things to discover with your newborn and so many things that you aren''t really ready for until the newborn arrives that having someone around that isn''t going to do much to help isn''t worth it. So I ditto vesper, best help is household help.

 

[neatfreak]

Totally depends. My mom came and did anything and everything we needed her to. My MIL came and expected *us* to make her coffee in the morning. Right after I had a c-section. And twins.

So I would lay down the law BEFORE the invitation is extended AND would only invite people who you expect will respect your boundaries.

Hope that helps.

 

[Pandora II]

Personally I couldn't think of anything worse than having to deal with relatives straight after having a baby. Three weeks down the line is much better.

DH and I went and visited the sets of grandparents when D was two weeks old - they cooked lunch, oohed and aahed over the baby and then we left and went home for peace and quiet!

Quite honestly it's nice to have the time to spend getting to know your baby without other people looking over your shoulder or wanting to play with the baby when you are trying to work out some kind of routine or get breastfeeding established. DH took two weeks off work and we wanted to spend that time as a family and not playing host to our families.

If you do have someone to stay, the best things they can do are: cook, keep the house under control, hold the baby while you take a shower. If you are breastfeeding it's not the case that you can get them to help do feeds especially if you don't plan to introduce bottles straight away. They are definitely not there to just play with the baby!

 

[luckystar112]

Hmm. It appears that MILs are the bad house"guests" most of the time.
I wonder if it is because we are just more comfortable with our own mothers and we feel comfortable speaking up about what we need done? In the same respect, do you think that the MILs are a bit uncomforable too. I mean, the baby did just come out of YOUR body. Perhaps there is a little bit of an invisible shield there.
I find it interesting to think about how my own mother or MIL would act. To tell you the truth, both concepts terrify me! But I think I would prefer my MIL over my mother (my mother and I haven''t spoken in months anyway but that''s another story).

 

[MustangGal]

My MIL is pretty good as far as those things go, but there is a bit of a difference there. She stayed at our house while I was in the hospital, and cleaned, did laundry (and put it all away, which makes me wonder what she saw while trying to find the right drawers!) and was a good help. She just didn''t step in quite as much as my mother did when she was there. My mom also has 5 kids, ran an in-home did daycare for a while, had a c-section and breastfed, so I think she just has more experience.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 8/26/2009 3:36:16 PM
Author: luckystar112
Hmm. It appears that MILs are the bad house''guests'' most of the time.
I wonder if it is because we are just more comfortable with our own mothers and we feel comfortable speaking up about what we need done? In the same respect, do you think that the MILs are a bit uncomforable too. I mean, the baby did just come out of YOUR body. Perhaps there is a little bit of an invisible shield there.
I find it interesting to think about how my own mother or MIL would act. To tell you the truth, both concepts terrify me! But I think I would prefer my MIL over my mother (my mother and I haven''t spoken in months anyway but that''s another story).

Well, honestly in my situation I think its because I''m not her child so the attitude is different.

My mom was just as excited as my MIL about the arrival of her first grandchild. But when she saw me in pain, sleep deprived, hungry, etc. I became her first priority because I''m her child. With my MIL, her child was just fine. He wasn''t sleep deprived, had more than enough time to eat, and wasn''t in pain. So showing up at all hours of the night, for example, wasn''t a big deal because her son was sleeping well.

It reminds me of when I was going through my contractions (before getting the epi). When my mom got there, she came to see me and my mom was genuienly concerned. She stroked my hair, held my hand, fed me ice chips. She kept telling me that I could get the epidural and take care of the pain (despite my mom having 3 natural childbirths). And she left the room in tears. When DD was born, my mom came straight to me first to give me a hug and said ''thank God you''re passed everything and she''s finally here''

My MIL, on the other hand, came into the room and literally pulled FI away from me who was holding my hand during my contractions to yell at him for not calling her as soon as we got to the hospital. I went through 10 minutes of contractions without FI by my side because he was trying to calm her down. Then when she finally got over it, she invited him out to lunch because "the baby isn''t coming right now." It''s not that she didn''t care, it''s just that her son wasn''t in pain so no need to be concerned.

Does that make sense? I would assume that if men felt any pain during labor (besides the emotional pain of seeing the woman they love so stressed out) their moms will have a much different reaction.

 

[phoenixgirl]

With a low-maintenance, helpful family member, I think you can expect cooking, cleaning, etc. If your family member does not fit this description, I probably wouldn''t invite him or her to stay the night!

Lucky, I''m sure that MIL''s not being your own mom and feeling like their DILs probably want to be "in charge" is part of it. My friend who just had a baby was complaining about her MIL, but I thought it was all in my friend''s head. She was like, "My MIL keeps asking to come and help do things around the house, but I know she just really wants to see the baby!" as though she had caught her MIL being manipulative. I was like, well, I''m sure she does want to see the baby, seeing as how it''s her one and only grandchild and all, but if she''ll also help out around the house, isn''t that a win/win? So that seemed to be a kind of power struggle.

But who am I to judge when I have a crazy & lazy MIL who will only see the baby for short periods of time under our supervision . . . When my SIL had a baby by c-section, MIL sat around asking her son to bring her drinks in a little girl voice and never lifted a finger to help. It makes me want to throw up thinking about it. I think that with her mental issues, she was trying to get the same kind of attention her DIL was getting (or should have been getting) for herself. The one time I''ve seen her since I got pregnant, she hugged me close and whispered, "Thank you for carrying MY baby!" Ick. I know people could say that and not have it be weird, but from her it was just ick.

On the other hand, I think my mom is a good MIL to my brother''s wife. She has asked my mom to spend next week with her since she didn''t realize school wouldn''t be starting yet and had no childcare lined up for her 7 and 5 year olds (to clarify, SIL will be staying home from work but wants extra help). My SIL''s mother often criticizes her parenting (rightly so, since SIL and brother can''t control the kids at all and never enforce consequences), so I think my SIL views my mom as the non-stressful parent. Still, my mom secretly doesn''t think she should have to spend a week helping SIL take care of the kids (my brother is taking 2 days off of work too, but they have this sad dynamic where they believe that one adult can''t take care of two school-aged children on his/her own . . . self-fulfilling prophecy). My mom just goes in with low expectations of the kids'' behavior and hopes there aren''t too many tantrums. She did ask me if she would be allowed to use the word "No" with my children, though, since never saying that was one of SIL''s parenting philosophies (lot of good it did her). Yes, mom, you can!

I''m not a parent yet, but I do believe that, "No, you can''t climb in that dangerous futon frame that might collapse on you" or "No, you can''t beat your baby brother to death with that plastic bat" are appropriate directives.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My mom looked after the house and I looked after the baby... except when I needed to sleep. She was a great help and honetly, I am just so happy she was here. So basically she did everything you described!

 

[purrfectpear]

I always thought relatives wanting to come "help" with the baby was just an excuse to visit the new baby? You guys actually expect them to do stuff?

I had a C-Section and I was home in 4 days taking care of my baby. How much work is it? You feed ''em, burp ''em, bath ''em, cloth ''em, wash up, and put them down to sleep. It''s not like taking care of one baby is a full time job that you need help with (special needs or colic being an exception) IMO?

I didn''t do a lot of housework or cooking during the first month, but hey, it''ll wait a week or two. Enjoy the baby, tell relatives to spend a day or two (not weeks) and move on.

 

[luckystar112]

I''m beginning to think that Chuck Norris has nothing on you, PP!

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I''m looking forward to having my mother there....my MIL means well and I''m sure she''ll be fine but she''s not MY mom, so it could be stressful I suppose. Oh well, I guess that''s what Xanax is for....


I kid, I kid....and yes, I know it''s expressed in BM.

 

[D&T]

Date: 8/26/2009 2:54:01 PM
Author: neatfreak
Totally depends. My mom came and did anything and everything we needed her to. My MIL came and expected *us* to make her coffee in the morning. Right after I had a c-section. And twins.

So I would lay down the law BEFORE the invitation is extended AND would only invite people who you expect will respect your boundaries.

Hope that helps.

that sounded like my MIL! The first week my MIL came to *Help* I made her lunch (two days after I came home from the hospital with a c-secrtion)! and cleaned up and took care of my toddler too! while she was "in meetings" for her company, I was not very happy, plus I was working from home

A week later, my SIL and her family came into town and they cooked, cleaned my house, and entertained and took my toddler out of the house each and everyday for a week. I was so grateful as we didn''t have any family in the state.

I agree with MustangGal - share your expectations or what you really need help with. Otherwise, its like having more visitors to take care of.

 

[pennquaker09]

OMG, so many bad MIL stories!

When the twins were born, my MIL came up and stayed with us for almost two months. We had so much going on at the same time that we needed help. Nate was finishing his fellowship and starting a new job, I was teaching and finishing my M.Ed., and we moved from Philly to New Jersey.

By the looks of it, I have a great MIL. Having her here allowed me to focus on the twins instead of all the other stuff. And it was great to be able to get in the shower. The best thing was that she stayed until the twins schedule become more of a routine. I didn''t like the idea of bringing them home and trying to make them sleep and eat on a schedule that benefited us. With three of us taking shifts it was easier and that allowed Nate and myself to not be so sleep deprived. I was so sad when she went back to Atlanta.

After MIL went back home, my SIL helped out a few days during the week. She would take the twins so I could do a few errands or go to the gym.

I would have loved for my mom to come stay with us, but my mom is not the motherly/domestic type. I''m sure she would have came if I had asked her to, however.

 

[gailrmv]

I was one of those people who likes doing it myself and was not sure how much help I would want. Having the baby early (ahead of DH's scheduled time off) and having a C-section meant that I really did need help and was glad I had it.

I was not sure what to expect, because sometimes having my parents and inlaws as houseguests can stress me out. As it turned out, I was so glad to have the help. I needed them to take care of the household so I coudl take care of the baby and myself. My parents came the first week, DH was off work the second week (baby came early), MIL came the third week. Everyone was great. I asked my parents to help with specific things. Dad, could you please take the dogs out every few hours. Can you please pick up these things at the grocery. Mom, could you please cook dinner and make enough to freeze some for later. Etc. Same with my MIL. By that point I was so exhausted that a lot of the time I asked her to hold the baby so I could nap. She was happy to help with that!

Even though I was exhausted and hormonal I kept it together and was appreciative of any help even if people were not doing things exactly as I would do them, and not grumpy at all - and that made things so much better.

My parents are very light sleepers and decided to stay at a nearby motel so they could sleep well at night and be fresh to help during the day. This worked out well for everyone and gave us a little privacy in the evenings (although I would not have asked them to spend the $).

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 8/26/2009 8:55:37 PM
Author: luckystar112
I''m beginning to think that Chuck Norris has nothing on you, PP!

I lucked out with a baby that did nothing but gurgle/smile, slurp milk, and sleep

 

[Sabine]

My mom came to stay for 2 weeks, and she helped out a LOT more with household stuff than baby stuff, but this was my decision. I really didn't want to start relying on her to do things with the baby and then be totally lost when she left. She was okay with this and wanted to do whatever we needed in order to help out.

I did let her help with the baby first thing in the morning, and she would take him at times during the day if I just needed a quick break, etc. but I didn't let her get up overnight and she changed maybe 2 diapers total.

The thing I needed help with the most was DRIVING. I had a c/s and wasn't cleared to drive until 3 weeks pp, but I did drive a few days early. By the end of my mom's stay, she was bored out of her mind and annoyed because I wanted to do everything myself, but still needed her around to drive me and lo to dr. appts., the pharmacy, the grocery store, etc. It was also nice having her here "just in case", like I would wait until my lo was napping to shower, but it was a relief knowing she could get him if he woke up. I should also add that other people probably let their family help more, but I am a bit of a control freak!

Oh, eta, the other HUGE thing my mom was a help with was walking my dog! She would take her on such long walks that she would pass out the rest of the day, which was nice for me because i didn't feel like I was neglecting her. After my mom left my dog went through withdrawl because now she gets a quick walk from dh before he leaves from work, one walk from me during the day with ds in his stroller, but I need to keep this limited because it's been sooooo hot out that ds gets overheated, and one walk from me at night after dh gets home from work. She misses grandma terribly!

 

[sbde]

peepa, my mom stayed with us for 2.5 wks and was SUCH a godsend. she took care of all the household chores and helped us out with baby as much as we needed (which was alot!). she took him in the mornings so we could sleep in (DH and i wanted to do the nights ourselves) and helped with baths, diaper changes and calming down baby. she did all the cooking and was such a help that i sobbed like a baby when she left.

i think the expectation to have when someone comes to help out after a baby is really for them to help pick up the slack wherever you need it.