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what to do with the ring?

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plsadvise

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2007
Messages
59
I need everyone's advice, both jewelery and etiquette wise...i was engaged a little over a year ago, engagement was called off because my fiance strayed (and not for the first time). We split up and he wanted me to keep the ring since he was the one who basically called off the engagement and screwed up, I think he just didn't want to deal with something as depressing as turning around and selling it right back and also actually wanted it to be some kind of parting gift at the same time. At the time we hadn't been engaged very long and for a while i'd wear it on my right hand occasionally beacuse i still was very wowed by the ring itself and wasn't ready to part with it (or maybe also was holding on to the idea of being engaged and of that relationship). He told me then to feel free to do whatever i wanted with it, sell it and keep the money, turn it into something, keep it in a safe deposit box, whatever. We're still friendly now and talking somewhat regularly, share some mutual friends, etc.

Anyhow, fast forward a year. Right now I've definitely moved on from that relationship, am dating someone else fantastic, and definitely not wearing the ring on the right hand at all these days obviously. The insurance policy we bought when we got engaged just expired, and it would cost over $600 a year to renew it, so it's really forcing the issue for me of what to do with this ring. I don't want to pay that much of my own money to insure something i'm not wearing.

My options are to keep it in a safe deposit box with very different insurance, but for what I'm not sure, to sell it and keep the money, to sell it and split the money with him, to just give it back and let him do whatever he wants with it, to take the center stone and turn it into something, to give the center back to him to sell or do what he will with and then use the setting for a sapphire or something or sell just the setting, etc. Basically, wide open. He doesn't give me any feedback, he just reiterates that he's the one who screwed up, he can certainly afford to pay this kind of penalty for it (i.e. he doesn't need the money at all at this point) and that he had long since written the ring off and really just doesn't want to think about it.

So it's all up to me.

What to do? I just go back and forth and can't make a decision. I don't really have a lot of my own $ that i want to invest in this project right now either, like in purchasing an expensive new article of jewelry to put the stone in, or an expensive new stone for the setting.

The stone is from James Allen, btw, so there's a 70% buy back policy and the setting is from Danhov and i have no idea whether either James Allen or Danhov would be interested in buying that back. I'm sure i could trade the setting in for something of interest in the LA jewelry district if i wanted to though. I would feel pretty icky about selling the ring and keeping all of the money i think. At the same time though, he put me through hell (i'd already bought a dress, booked a venue, hired a coordinator, etc when the engagement was broken) and he really doesn't need the money so i wouldn't really feel guilty about keeping it and turning it into something. I don't know if it would freak my current boyfriend out if i made it into a pendant or something else that i wore regularly, but it wouldn't really carry overly emotional connotations for me personally if i did.

also do you think i need to consult my current BF in the process? He has no idea right now that this is going on although obviously he knows i was engaged and knows the rest of the breakup story, etc.

HELP!!!!!
 

Gypsy

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Aug 8, 2005
Messages
40,198
Sell setting at Pearlmans. Use $$ to either reset the diamond in a pendant with the $$ from the setting sale OR do the buy back thing from James Allen and still sell the setting at Pearlmans (if you or the BF have a problem with using the same stone) and do a nice pendant or RHR with the new stone or get two new stones and do studs. Another option is to sell the WHOLE THING at Pearlmans and use it to buy something sparkly.

As to whether or not to consult the BF... that''s entirely up to you. I wouldn''t feel the need to, but that''s based on the relationship I have with my FI. I think its really a very personal choice only you can make. BUT if the BF doesn''t mind having the GUY in your life as a friend... why should he care if you have the diamond in a pendant. I mean really? What''s more of a reminder/threat? The GUY or a rock?
 

Regular Guy

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 6, 2004
Messages
5,951
For fun, I consulted Google for advice, and hit #1 is generally unambivalent, especially if you''re only concerned about suggested "norms," without respect to law. You have an out with respect to the law (then giving you some choices)...but...do you happen to live in either California or Montana?

Personally, I don''t have much of an opinion...except that I was really looking for a program where you can donate the diamond for good will...and did not find that. Of course, helping others, when in doubt, is always an option that can bring joy to everyone...where it makes sense.
 

Phoenix

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 5, 2006
Messages
9,241
First of all, I am sorry abt yr previous FI (good riddance!) and what happened but am happy that you've found someone else who is worthy of you.

I don't know if i will be of much help but if I were you, this is what I'd do: as you said you'd feel "icky" abt selling it and keeping the money, I'd see if I could sell the ring or at least the stone (you said JA has a buy back policy but not sure whethey they'd be interested in buying it back? I am bit confused abt this - but no worries, you could sell it elsewhere) and donate all the money to a charity or charties. As you said, your current BF is "fantastic", I'd not keep anything (either the ring itself or the money that you could get from it) and would not keep the issue from him either. I wouldn't want to be reminded, in any way, of this other person and what he did. I know you said you went through hell, but for yr own peace of mind, pls learn to forgive and forget. He is not worth it!
 

Phoenix

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 5, 2006
Messages
9,241
I just re-read yr post and realise that you''re still talking to this guy and have mutual friends. That''s good, I guess. This prob means that you''ve definitely moved on and couldn''t care less abt him and you don''t let him affect how you go abt your daily life.

I am not a lawyer and don''t know the laws in the US or specifically the State you live in. But, surely he gifted it to you, which means you get to keep it and do with it whatever you wish. Even if legally this were not true, ethically and emotionally he has no right to get any of that money back. You said that he had long written it off and realises he''s screwed up so I wouldn''t even think abt giving any money back to him and pls don''t feel guilty (just in case you do).
 

ladykemma

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 2, 2006
Messages
2,194
how about spending 100 bucks or so to have it put into a plain pendant?
 

enbcfsobe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 17, 2007
Messages
1,154
I am so sorry things didn''t go well -- sounds like you''re in a much better situation now!
I had diamond earrings from an ex-BF that I traded in for different ones after we broke up. They were the first diamonds I owned (though barely more than chips and, post-PS, totally unsatisfactory). I wasn''t ready to entirely give them up at that point. As I wait for my future FI to propose (wait, wait, wait...), I wonder more and more if I should get rid of those earrings altogether. Even though they aren''t the same ones the ex purchased for me (out of guilt for his wandering ways, I later found out), I still know where they came from, and feel a little funny about it. So I understand the "ick" factor, though on a much smaller scale.
The earrings aren''t worth enough to make this suggestion worthwhile, but maybe your ring is -- what about selling it (thru Perelmans or elsewhere) and putting the money into a CD or bond or college savings account -- something that you won''t be ready to use until a while down the road. That way something from your past that was not-so-good could turn into a bit of rainy day money for you or your children. If it sits for a while and grows a little, it might not feel so icky to use the money, and it won''t be connected to your everyday jewelry in a way that might (either now or later) start to feel strange. Then, later, you could decide whether to buy something sparkly, invest the money, buy that new dining room set, take a vacation, etc. You went through hell, but you might not be ready yet to take advantage of his "parting gift" -- this way you could put it "out of sight, out of mind" until you are ready to decide how you''d like to use it.
If you are in a state where an engagement ring is a conditional gift, I might consider getting your ex to put it in writing that he is now making an unconditional gift of the ring, or at least make some sort of written record for yourself that you discussed this with him and this is what he said. While things are ok now, you don''t want this to come back and bite you. The whole object seems to be to put it to rest.
Good luck!
 

plsadvise

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2007
Messages
59
Thanks all. I do live in California but am not really concerned about legal protocol since he has specifically told me to keep the ring, it''s not like I''m holding it hostage.

And re: buy back, they have a stone buy back policy but the setting, though purchased through JA is from Danhov so i''m not sure if either jeweler would be interested in buying that back. I''ll investigate the Pearlman''s trade in policy, thanks.

The charity thing is a good idea and had also crossed my mind, but that would be hard for me. If i sold the ring I could honestly use the money, at this point in my life i have no savings whatsoever and would feel weird about giving well over 10K to charity when I''m living paycheck to paycheck.

I do intend to give my wedding dress to charity though!
 

Phoenix

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 5, 2006
Messages
9,241
The choice is entirely yours
. You should do whatever you wish with it.
 

bujiatang

Rough_Rock
Joined
Feb 22, 2007
Messages
91
If they have a 70% buy back, I''d do that and go on a nice vacation or deposit some of the money in an IRA or some other sort of tax sheltered investment. If you do sell the stone it might show up as income and carry a tax liability.
 

chiefneil

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 7, 2007
Messages
174
I say sell everything and put the proceeds in your IRA. When you''re 50 and thinking about retirement, I guarantee you''ll feel quite a bit different about the money. If the proceeds puts you over the annual IRA limit, use the rest to take the current BF on a great vacation. Your ex has very obviously completely written off the ring and wants nothing more to do with it mentally, so not only should you not feel any obligation towards him, I suspect he''d be annoyed by any further discussion about it. Just a guy''s opinion....
 

Unearthed

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Feb 14, 2007
Messages
103
If you are living paycheck to paycheck (Aren''t we all) I can''t help but think you should sell back (or outright sell) the ring and use the money to pay some debt or keep as a cushion.

I have a friend in a similar situation except they were actually married and when she filed for divorce she gave him the ring back (He still has it). I also have a friend who recently was divorced and she wears the ring on a necklace (Although she does not have a new man and she is still in the "Woe is me" stage).

Personally, I couldn''t wear a diamond that was purchased for me as a symbol of love if I wasn''t with that person anymore. True, it is a purchase and that perhaps weakens the "Symbol" but the meaning (Should) be the same. I would feel much less "Icky" wearing it than I would selling it and using or saving the money.
 

enbcfsobe

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Jan 17, 2007
Messages
1,154
Date: 3/20/2007 10:21:03 AM
Author: chiefneil
I say sell everything and put the proceeds in your IRA. When you''re 50 and thinking about retirement, I guarantee you''ll feel quite a bit different about the money. If the proceeds puts you over the annual IRA limit, use the rest to take the current BF on a great vacation. Your ex has very obviously completely written off the ring and wants nothing more to do with it mentally, so not only should you not feel any obligation towards him, I suspect he''d be annoyed by any further discussion about it. Just a guy''s opinion....
I second the IRA idea -- if you have the right type of account you can even borrow against it to purchase a home.
 

Cehrabehra

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jun 29, 2006
Messages
11,071
I would talk to the boyfriend about it... worst case he says get rid of it, best case he says, hey, think of the diamond you can get when we upgrade THAT puppy!!!
 

asscherisme

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 6, 2006
Messages
2,734
Hi,
Sorry about your broken enagement. Well actually, it sounds like you saved yourself many future years of heartache with a cheater and I''m happy you are in a good relationship now.

Regarding the ring, I would totally sell it back to JA. He gave it to you as a gift when you spllit. I don''t know CA law but many states, the ring is a contract and if a woman breaks up she needs to give it back and if the man breaks up she keeps it. Not only that but he told you its yours and you state he is not short on money. And all the heartache he put you through, keep it and don''t feel guilty! He GAVE it to you!

Also, if its costing $600 a year to insure, it sounds like a pricey stone. And if you are having trouble paying insurance on it, think how great it would be to cash in.

I totally agree with the above advice, sell it, and put he money in an IRA!! I think you will sleep better at night not having to worry about that ring and the negative association with it and a nice big chunk of money to grow and grow for you retirement.

As for the setting, I would just shop it around to sell but don''t expect to much for it.

But I would totally sell the ring and save it for retirment.

As for consulting your boyfirend? If you are not engaged, I don''t think you need to at all. And if you do get married one day, I think he will be happy to not have that old stone to compete with anythinn he buys you. And any money you save for retirment will benefit both of you.

Before I met my husband, he had inherited $30K from a grandparent. That was 20 years ago and he saved it all and to this day we have not spent it and watched it grow. I think by saving you can''t go wrong.

I will though say if you have any credit card debt, that comes before retiement. So:if you have credit card debt, pay that before funding retirement.

Good luck!
 

Phoenix

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Oct 5, 2006
Messages
9,241
Yes, good advice! Pay off yr debt first, if you have any.
 

crown1

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Nov 22, 2006
Messages
1,682
i personally would probably keep it as it is and wear it on the right hand when i felt like it. if you sell it you are going to take quite a loss because that is what happens on second hand goods. if the feelings are gone and it is only a piece of jewelry it holds the most value as it is. it cost you financially for the wedding preparations you had made and i would conisder that even since he does.

about the insurance, if you can''t afford the premium then i wouldn''t worry about it. it is nice to have and i surely do but if the money is not there for it i would just not have it. women have been wearing diamonds for years without insurance. you will be out nothing financially if it is lost or damaged and down the line you might have a desire for a 10k diamond and not have the funds to get it. unless you are really strapped for cash i would just consider it my ring that i had payed dearly for. the former fi has signed off on it and it is not really anybody''s business other than yours if you wear it on your finger or around your neck. jmho since you asked. good luck!
 

kcoursolle

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jan 21, 2006
Messages
10,589
I think I would put the stone in a killer pendant and then sell the old danhov setting with bill pearlman. If there are no bad feelings about the relationship and your current boyfriend doesn''t care...why loose 30% trying to sell it. Instead, I''d enjoy the stone and have a beautiful pendant.
 

Apocalypse

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 10, 2007
Messages
63
If I were you, I would return the ring. I could not feel good about owning something that someone was still paying off. Even if he was the one who ruined the whole engagement. An engagement ring is just that, an engagement ring, and since there is no longer an engagement the ring serves zero meaning.

Also there is no risk of him changing his mind and taking you to small claims.

Just my two cents :)
 

bluehue

Shiny_Rock
Joined
Dec 16, 2005
Messages
138
Since you asked ... sell the ring & put the $ in an emergency fund (3 - 6 month expenses) and then the rest in an IRA or a Roth IRA depending on your circumstances. I bet after the decision is made, the ick factor will quickly be replaced by a sense of security at having $ in the bank. If not, you can always splurge on something that has better karma. Also, I disagree that selling the ring is a 30% loss. I see it as a 70% gain for her in cold hard cash.
 

Po10472

Brilliant_Rock
Joined
Mar 2, 2007
Messages
1,443
Hiya

I was in a similar situation, fiance broke it off, I kept the ring. This happened a long time ago and I'm now very happily married and moved on in my life. I used to wear my old engagement ring on my right hand cos I loved the ring but I woke up one day 3 months ago and decided that it was time to get rid of it. I had no problem keeping the ring, it was given to me in good faith at the time, when we broke up I offered it back and was told it was mine, to keep it. I don't want to have it made into anything else either as it is now the past and has no place in my life. I would rather sell it on and someone else can benefit from it and get a good deal.

With the money it generates, my husband and I are going to go to New York for the weekend at the end of November and toast the future, our future........... and the future happiness of the girl who's fiance bought her a gorgeous ring for a cheap price.

Turn it in to a positive! Ditch the past, take the money and either give it to charity, sell your ring privately and make someone else happy.....move on!! Time is the only true healer.

po
x
 

denverappraiser

Ideal_Rock
Trade
Joined
Jul 21, 2004
Messages
8,747

If it was already negotiated as a parting gift, a penance gift or just a nice thing to do, I think you should rule out the choice of selling it and splitting the proceeds with him. It’s yours to do with as you wish and you should ditch the baggage that says that somehow it is partially owned by him. Whatever you do you need to work through this thought process. Depending on your temperament about this issue, this may also be a reason to sell it rather than make something else out of it or keeping it securely until you make something else out of it in the future. If you had it in a pendant or some other item made from it, would you be inclined to look at it and somehow feel that it is partially his? If so, sell it now and get on with your life.


$600/year insurance premium is pretty steep so I gather we’re talking about a fairly expensive rock here. You’re way beyond the limits of what can be contributed to an IRA but I do like the concept of that.


Neil Beaty
GG(GIA) ICGA(AGS) NAJA
Professional Appraisals in Denver
 

pyramid

Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Nov 10, 2002
Messages
4,607
You have nothing at all to feel guilty about in keeping the money. If it had been the other way around and you strayed and he said you could keep the ring, then yes, but as it was it is your property now, he has agreed, do with it as you want to. Also do not let your current bf influence your decision, i.e. if you think he will not be able to provide a ring as expensive if/when the time comes. I would make the decision on my own, you don't know if your current relationship will last and what if you sold the ring and regretted it later, if you like the diamond/ring as a decorative object. Your bf knows there is a ring and there is nothing more to really tell him about it. If you want to keep the ring, keep it, if you want to sell it sell it.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,630
I agree with the others who say that you have nothing to feel icky about. The ring is yours, you don''t want it now, so sell the stone back to James Allen since you are very unlikely to be able to get more than that selling it any other way. Pearlman''s can try to get something for the setting for you on consignment. I wouldn''t consult with old or new BF''s. If you want to put the past behind you, just do it and consider the money compensation for your pain and suffering.

I''d price shop for insurance next time unless this stone is very high priced. I have $24,000 of coverage from Chubb for $277 a year.
 

plsadvise

Rough_Rock
Joined
Mar 19, 2007
Messages
59
Thanks so much everyone. I contacted Jim Schultz who confirmed that he could do a 100% trade in on the stone (I didn't know if it was part of their "in house" collection). I think that I'm going to trade the center stone in for other stone(s) of equal or greater value to wear as earrings or a pendant. I will at least be able to wear this jewelry around my current BF without feeling weird about it, and if I want or need to trade it in for cash or trade it up again / apply to another piece of jewelry down the line I can do so and be one more step removed from the fact that it was an engagement ring.

I'd love to start another thread about specifically what to trade the center stone in for. I could do either really big (~3ctw) studs, studs plus 2 other stones to be jacket/drops for them, studs and a ~1 ct stone to wear as a pendant, or two pairs of studs....hmmmmmm.....
 
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