What now? Her parents said no...

[LaraOnline]

Date: 6/25/2008 10:10:16 AM
Author: ahappygirl
I cannot believe this woman. If I were her daughter I would be beyond furious. I mean HOPPING MAD. You sound like a wonderful, considerate, loving, thoughtful, kind, hard-working and loyal young man. And VERY respectful and responsible. Practically speaking it also sounds like you have a great financial future ahead of you. You have worked hard and paid off a lot of student loans in a small time frame, saved for a ring, gotten an education, good job, and a promotion. Not exactly lazy and ambitionless.


I would sit down with your girlfriend ASAP. If it were me I would want to be in the loop here. BIG TIME.


I am so sorry this is the reaction you got. All I can say is you are handling this with courage, class and honesty. You should be very proud of yourself - it frankly speaks volumes about the kind of man you are and husband you will be.


Good luck.

You and your girlfriend have presumably been intimate partners for some time. You live independently from your parents, several states away, in fact. You are planning a long engagement, you sound like a terrific catch AND you care about the family you are marrying into! This mother might have control issues.

Perhaps you'd better start 'training' her immediately (like a puppy, kind but firm lol), cultivate your gf as your closest ally, even the bible says that children leave their parents and cleave to their intimate partner.

The millions of m-i-l jokes are out there for some cultural reason! Don't let her dominate your family life. And I'm sorry to say this, as a future m-i-l myself!

My own m-i-l had jealousy issues, but she's pretty much over them now, and we are good friends!


ETA:::

OOOPS! sorry!! I was impatient and didn't read the full thread, how naughty!!!
You sound like a fantastic fella!

all the best to you, most women would give their eye teeth for such a considerate prospective son in law!!!

 

[FrekeChild]

Moxy, I am happy to hear that it went well. Did she end up giving you her blessing?

What I would have given to be a fly on the wall on either side of THAT discussion!

 

[swingirl]

I am quite surprised that a 27 year old woman would not know that her parents don''t approve of her boyfriend whom shes dated for long enough to consider marriage.

It''s not like you are taking a young girl away from her parents. You two have been independent from your parents for quite a while. I don''t understand the whole permission or blessing thing. Your girlfriend should be the one making the decision not her parents. The not-enough-income thing sounds like an excuse. And your income is none of her business. Why in the world would you tell her. It''s your personal business.

What has your girlfriend thought about it? Has she admitted to knowing how her mother felt about you?

I think there''s more to the story.

 

[customcushion]

"BUT, you aren''t going to make that 200k in one year (unless you devote your entire life to work, and in which case, you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids)."

WOW - seriously ? I know that you can make good money and have a great family life... You can also not make good money and have a great family life. The amount of cash you make isn''t proportional to your happiness, nor does it guarantee or disregard the possiblity.

Saying you acn''t make 200K a year and be happy is ridicolous - especially when you look at the rings on this forum. Lots of us are clearly doing well financially, and are also happy.

 

[Rhea]

I''m glad that you''re girlfriend spoke to her parents about this. I''m surprised that your soon to be MIL (scary!) said that about your income. Since when is your income her business? This is part of the reason I don''t understand asking parents for blessing or permission. What happens if they do say no?

When are you going to propose now?

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 6/29/2008 6:20:05 AM
Author: customcushion
'BUT, you aren't going to make that 200k in one year (unless you devote your entire life to work, and in which case, you probably won't be a family man or have any time for your kids).'

WOW - seriously ? I know that you can make good money and have a great family life... You can also not make good money and have a great family life. The amount of cash you make isn't proportional to your happiness, nor does it guarantee or disregard the possiblity.

Saying you acn't make 200K a year and be happy is ridicolous - especially when you look at the rings on this forum. Lots of us are clearly doing well financially, and are also happy.

wow, my generalizations really sparked you to go off on a tangent. I never said anything about "proportion to happiness", so I am not really sure where you got that from. Thanks for trying to misrepresent what I have stated. Please don't morph my words into some other meaning.

All I am saying is that on average, if you're making 200k per annum at age 27 (or whatever age the original poster is, i think it's around that age though), you're not going to get it for free. So, odds are, you're spending a ton of time at work - much more so than someone who makes significantly less. This isn't always the case, but I can bet that more often than not, a 200k per year salary is going to take the wage-earner a lot more time/stress/effort to earn. My point was that Suzy mother-in-law should re-think her income requirements for her son-in-law, because if he is making 200k per year there's a greater chance that he's got substantially less time for his wife/children than someone who makes less does. On average anyway.

Your final line is also an interesting one - so now you're saying as a way to evidence how happy you are, you're pointing to material things. O, what a tangled web we weave.

 

[customcushion]

"so now you're saying as a way to evidence how happy you are, you're pointing to material things."

WRONG

What I was saying was that there were clearly people on here doing well financially, as you can tell by all the bling, and I can attest that some of us are very happy as well.

The implication that a 200K salary or profit needs to come with stress / crazy hours is likely a limiting belief holding you or others back.

I promise you can earn good money - big six figures - and have a great family life... just like you can earn less and still have a great family life.

If you want me to share some tips, just let me know.

 

[customcushion]

PS
Where I felt you implied that happiness was impacted was when you said "you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids" if you were earning big bucks.

It''s hard to be happy man, if you''re not a family man, no matter how much money you make.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 6/30/2008 6:25:43 AM
Author: customcushion
PS
Where I felt you implied that happiness was impacted was when you said ''you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids'' if you were earning big bucks.

It''s hard to be happy man, if you''re not a family man, no matter how much money you make.

I disagree. I know plenty of guys who are in the 150-200k range, work on average 8am - 9pm or so, and only see their kids on the weekend (when they don''t have work to do). Are they still ''happy''? Absolutely. It''s all personal preference.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 6/30/2008 6:11:35 AM
Author: customcushion
The implication that a 200K salary or profit needs to come with stress / crazy hours is likely a limiting belief holding you or others back.

I promise you can earn good money - big six figures - and have a great family life... just like you can earn less and still have a great family life.

If you want me to share some tips, just let me know.

I''m discussing ''averages'' and the typical norm. Sure, you can make your way to the top working 40 hours/week and not having stress, but that is the minority, and is much more rare than the opposite. If you want big money at a young age, the vast majority have to put in long hours and dedicate themselves to their job much more-so than someone making substantially less. Fact.
If you want to argue one-offs, that is not what I am doing. I am arguing averages.

 

[that_someone_special]

Oh lordy! Bullshit you cant raise a family on less than $100k ...!! Does your girl never plan on working? freaking god.. people are stupid! So I guess everyone that makes less than $100k and has 3 kids is just scummy. Ya know what? My dad makes ~$16k a year. My mom makes $85k a year. It was NOT always like that!! But I had no less of a childhood because they didn''t bring in $100k back then. Christ. I''m really irked about that crap.

That being said, if my MOTHER acted like that to a guy I was dating, whom I loved, I would give her a word or two. She is being a complete bitch to you for no reason other than money. Woowee! Who cares what someone so selfish thinks? If you are in love with her, DONT LET IT STOP YOU! You are going to marry your GIRLFRIEND, NOT HER MOTHER. The least she could do is see that you tried to do the right thing by asking her/ telling her first. That''s a bigger step than she''s willing to take with you right now.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/29/2008 6:20:05 AM
Author: customcushion
''BUT, you aren''t going to make that 200k in one year (unless you devote your entire life to work, and in which case, you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids).''

WOW - seriously ? I know that you can make good money and have a great family life... You can also not make good money and have a great family life. The amount of cash you make isn''t proportional to your happiness, nor does it guarantee or disregard the possiblity.

Saying you acn''t make 200K a year and be happy is ridicolous - especially when you look at the rings on this forum. Lots of us are clearly doing well financially, and are also happy.

Um you are reading way too far into what they were saying!! hellloooo! Obviously there are people that make $30k a year to Millions a year. Both can be happy. Perhaps the original poster was talking about someone that normally would make $85k a year, but working their ASS OFF, 80 hrs a week.. well.. makes more money. Now, if it were me? I''d prefer a lower income and 40+ more hours with my SO.

Making sense?? Or do you need further explanation? It wasnt a cut at people that make money.

 

[that_someone_special]

Date: 6/30/2008 6:11:35 AM
Author: customcushion
''so now you''re saying as a way to evidence how happy you are, you''re pointing to material things.''

WRONG

What I was saying was that there were clearly people on here doing well financially, as you can tell by all the bling, and I can attest that some of us are very happy as well.

The implication that a 200K salary or profit needs to come with stress / crazy hours is likely a limiting belief holding you or others back.

I promise you can earn good money - big six figures - and have a great family life... just like you can earn less and still have a great family life.

If you want me to share some tips, just let me know.

excuse me while I barf all over this

Your definition of "doing well financially" seems to = the amount of bling and crap you own.
I don''t see you talking about your charity donations and how happy that makes you either.

People that are making $50k a year can be doing well too. I think YOU are the one that needs to come back to reality and see that the average US income is nowhere NEAR $200k a year. Ahem.

 

[customcushion]

What I said was

"you can make good money and have a great family life... You can also not make good money and have a great family life. The amount of cash you make isn''t proportional to your happiness, nor does it guarantee or disregard the possiblity."

I don''t think the amount of cash you have relates to whether or not you''re happy.

I don''t think that making alot of money means you''re overly stressed or work too hard.

People can be very happy, have a rich (notin terms of money) life, and make lots of money. You can also be happy and have a rich life withot making lots of money. I don''t know why either of those are controversial statements ?

 

[customcushion]

"I don't see you talking about your charity donations"

Interestingly, and off topic, my major goal right now relates to raising and giving away a significant amount of money through a charity my fiance and I are establishing this year.

That's the only written goal you'll find on me all the time...

ETA Oh - and we'll donate more this year than we spent on the ring.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 6/30/2008 10:30:42 AM
Author: ringshopper2008

Date: 6/30/2008 6:25:43 AM
Author: customcushion
PS
Where I felt you implied that happiness was impacted was when you said ''you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids'' if you were earning big bucks.

It''s hard to be happy man, if you''re not a family man, no matter how much money you make.

I disagree. I know plenty of guys who are in the 150-200k range, work on average 8am - 9pm or so, and only see their kids on the weekend (when they don''t have work to do). Are they still ''happy''? Absolutely. It''s all personal preference.

My husband earns in that salary range, and he has chosen a field that allows him to spend a lot of time with us. He is a top executive at a large electrical contracting firm, and because he often works on construction sites, they start work at 6 or 7 am. The good part of this is, though, that he''s almost always home by 5 or so. He does put in a 9 or 10 hour day, usually, but by leaving for work while me & the baby are still asleep in the morning, he is able to come home in time for us to have dinner together & put our son to bed together. On Fridays he''s normally home by 4 or so, and takes our son to the park. And, his weekends are dedicated to us. Sure, there''s the occasional business trip or meeting that runs late, but for the most part, he''s always home by 5. He recently completed his MBA and has gotten offers in different fields where he wouldn''t have to be at work until 8 or 9, but he turned them down because he would rather have time with me and our son in the evenings, instead of coming home too late to see him. So, just because a man is a high earner, doesn''t mean that he doesn''t make time for his family.

 

[dockman3]

Date: 7/8/2008 4:05:15 AM
Author: that_someone_special

Date: 6/30/2008 6:11:35 AM

Author: customcushion

''so now you''re saying as a way to evidence how happy you are, you''re pointing to material things.''


WRONG


What I was saying was that there were clearly people on here doing well financially, as you can tell by all the bling, and I can attest that some of us are very happy as well.


The implication that a 200K salary or profit needs to come with stress / crazy hours is likely a limiting belief holding you or others back.


I promise you can earn good money - big six figures - and have a great family life... just like you can earn less and still have a great family life.


If you want me to share some tips, just let me know.

excuse me while I barf all over this

Your definition of ''doing well financially'' seems to = the amount of bling and crap you own.

I don''t see you talking about your charity donations and how happy that makes you either.


People that are making $50k a year can be doing well too. I think YOU are the one that needs to come back to reality and see that the average US income is nowhere NEAR $200k a year. Ahem.

So then what is your definition of "doing well financially"? Is it making ends meet and having food on the table every night? Is it being able to buy the things you want and not worry about it? Is it being debt free? There is nothing wrong with saying that being able to buy nice jewelery is doing well financially. I personally think that if you can afford some of the pieces on this site then by anybody''s definition you are doing well financially, the implication being that if you are not doing well financially you wouldn''t be buying all of the gorgeous jewelery.

I happen to agree with you that you can raise a family on less than 100k, but that''s no reason to be getting so upset and talking like you are. Nobody is saying anything about you personally and there''s no reason to get so angry. CC has every right to post her own opinions without getting disparaged like that. You can disagree with her, but be careful what you say and how you say it. This is an upstanding place and though I''m still relatively new, like you, I''ve come to really like this place and expect more out of its members. CC never said that people making 50k a year couldn''t be happy and has stated many times that it doesn''t matter how much money you make, anyone can be happy. I think we can all agree on this point.

 

[dockman3]

CC- That''s great that you and FI are starting a charity! What''s it for? I just think that''s great. Maybe you could start a thread over in Hangout on what everyone''s favorite charities are and get a discussion going about those.

 

[customcushion]

dockmam3, I DO NOT need another forum to check on this site. I need to get back to business!! Since I started ER shopping in may I''ve been spending a lot of time on here... time that should be spent lead generating and servicing clients!

I thought that after we bought (two weeks ago) I''d have nothing else to read on here... but imagine that, I''m stil here !

That being said... I''ll look into that forum

 

[customcushion]

PS I love the profile of your ring

 

[dockman3]

CC- Thanks for the compliment! I thought the same thing, but here I am. I actually bought this ring before I ever found PS and I went through some drama of switching out the center stone. I still haven''t proposed, which is why I still come in to this one, but the hangout is fun from time to time. I''ve spent waaaaay too much time on here, but I kind of like it and I like passing on everything I''ve learned in the process.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 7/8/2008 3:59:31 AM
Author: that_someone_special

Date: 6/29/2008 6:20:05 AM
Author: customcushion
''BUT, you aren''t going to make that 200k in one year (unless you devote your entire life to work, and in which case, you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids).''

WOW - seriously ? I know that you can make good money and have a great family life... You can also not make good money and have a great family life. The amount of cash you make isn''t proportional to your happiness, nor does it guarantee or disregard the possiblity.

Saying you acn''t make 200K a year and be happy is ridicolous - especially when you look at the rings on this forum. Lots of us are clearly doing well financially, and are also happy.

Um you are reading way too far into what they were saying!! hellloooo! Obviously there are people that make $30k a year to Millions a year. Both can be happy. Perhaps the original poster was talking about someone that normally would make $85k a year, but working their ASS OFF, 80 hrs a week.. well.. makes more money. Now, if it were me? I''d prefer a lower income and 40+ more hours with my SO.

Making sense?? Or do you need further explanation? It wasnt a cut at people that make money.

" Both can be happy. Perhaps the original poster was talking about someone that normally would make $85k a year, but working their ASS OFF, 80 hrs a week.. well.. makes more money. Now, if it were me? I''d prefer a lower income and 40+ more hours with my SO."


****Bingo! You got my point exactly.

 

[customcushion]

dockman3, when are you planning to propose ?

 

[JSM]

This whole money thing astounds me. You don''t have to make 100k a year to be happy or raise a family.

I know I come from a different background than many on this forum. But my parents, who both work, COMBINED make quite a bit less than 100k. However... they bought a house and raised four wonderful (in my biased opinion

) children. We never had luxuries but we never went without the necessities - shelter, warmth, education, opportunities and love.


I''m so sorry that her mother said those things to you. They were rude and completely uncalled for, AND they hurt her own daughter! If you want to marry your girlfriend, and she wants to marry you, then do IT! I''m glad things were resolved and hope the proposal goes well.

 

[dockman3]

Date: 7/8/2008 7:04:31 PM
Author: customcushion
dockman3, when are you planning to propose ?

Well, right now I''m thinking another month or so. We are planning a trip to Yosemite National park and I want to do it there. I think we''ve already thread jacked enough and can start our own thread. If you want to read about my proposal idea, I think its on the second page here. The link is

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/yosemite-half-dome-propsal-is-it-possible.86811/

That''s just the current plan. She doesn''t want to get engaged until May and I''ve got a whole other thread about that too. Its here

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/i-need-some-advice-from-the-ladies.87704/

Any advice you''ve got would be much appreciated.

What about you?

 

[rcrosier]

Good thing its not up to her mom. If the girl loves you, marry her. If her family loves her, they will love you as well, for their daughter''s happiness.

 

[LadyMaria]

Moxy, if you really love each then money simply will not matter.

When I got married my husband immediately went to grad school and I started teaching. This was 13 years ago. Our combined income was $18,800. Even when he finished his degree 3 years ago and with me still teaching, we just broke the $60K mark. We have two wonderful children. We are careful with our money and we make it work. If you are already making $50K, you can make it work too no matter what your future MIL says.

Pop the question! Go for it!!

 

[diamondfan]

Guess what? I grew up in a wealthy family in an affluent area. And my dad died, and my mom was emotionally absent for years and I had a witch of a sister. Money does not make all things perfect. Yes, having enough to have what you need and some play money left over is nice. Fighting over a lack of funds is pretty typical for newlyweds. So it helps if there is one less issue to fight about. However, if you both love each other, and can take care of yourselves, I do not see why you cannot make it work.

I am sorry her parents are not supportive, but you guys need to live your lives for yourselves and not for them.

 

[krisvrn]

I sorry to hear this! I think you and your girl need to just go forward and plan a wedding. You are both independent adults. You appear to have a good head on shoulders. You make good money now and you have potential to make more in the future.

 

[ImpatientOne]

Date: 6/25/2008 3:42:42 PM
Author: rob09
This made me so furious!! It is not like you are not making any money here! Who is her mom to tell you how much it costs to raise a family? Maybe her daughter will have some income as well (imagine that!!) and maybe you guys are not going to have 10 children right away either!!

This sounds so utterly materialistic to me it makes me sick. Maybe you should tell her that money does not buy happiness either. Realistically though, I would talk to her again, make your point that you are starting out in your career and that you are really asking for their blessing AND that you are going to marry their daughter no matter what they say. GRRRRRRRR! This is pathetic.

Glad to see that I'm not the only furious one after reading this! Anyone who would expect a 27 year old to be making $100k is out of touch with reality. Yes, it can be done, but it is certainly NOT the norm!!!

It took me 46 years to figure this out, but money does not buy happiness. When I finally decided to start dating again after my divorce, I dated a lot of very wealthy men. I just couldn't seem to find the one, until one day I met this guy who completely blew me away! And guess what? He is an enlisted soldier. No, he does not make a lot of money, but between the two of us we make plenty of money to live a comfortable lifestyle.

I think your gf needs to know exactly what her mother said to you. She is an adult with a mind of her own. Personally, I would not care who my daughters marry as long as they are treated right and are happy!