What now? Her parents said no...

[Moxy]

A little background - Her family lives 4 states away and she rarely gets to see them. We''d talked about when we get engaged that she hoped that she''d be able to share it with her family but never thought she''d be able to due to distance. I''ve had a ring for months now and have been waiting and planning to give it to her. She came to me about a month ago and said that her family was having a reunion and that she wanted me to go. PERFECT! I thought... I''d take out the day before the reunion and propose. Then when we arrived at the reunion she''d be able to share it with her family like she''d always dreamed. So for the past month I''ve been planning and scheming on how to pull this off. I finally had all the details worked out and the only thing left was to talk to her parents. Her mother was going to come visit before the reunion and I knew that I would have time to talk to her and her husband (via telephone) and ask for their blessing. When the time came I ask her mother to speak with me, I showed her the ring and said that I intended to ask her daughter to marry me. Her face turned to stone. She said, "it''s a nice ring" turned her back and walked out of the room. Almost 2 hours later I found her in the kitchen, I said "I''m sorry I didn''t mean to upset you" she said "I know" and went on about her business. Later she asked to talk with me and for the next 48 hours when ever my girlfriend was away we talked. She said over and over that I was not a financially viable candidate to marry her daughter. She said that I talk big but she never sees anything come of it and that it takes at least $100,000.00 annually to raise a family and that my generation won''t surpass the previous generation in terms of wealth. Here''s what she''s talking about. I make $50k a year. I''m young and I''m new to the company I work for. Because of my past experience, I was lucky and didn''t start at an entry level position but that may make it harder for me to move up in the company. I''d been working there going on 2 years and last year received a promotion and at 13.1% salary increase. I''m doing ok for myself for being as young as I am. I do have bills - I''ve paid my student loans down from 30k to 10k in the last year so I keep on top of my bills but that keeps me from having spending money. That''s not something I''m concerned with. I plan on going back to school - I had planned on returning this year but a series of unexpected expenses kept me from feeling comfortable spending more money to do so. What do I do now? Many of my friends have told me to say "forget you" and go ahead and propose. I don''t think I can do that. I know that I''m joining the family as well. She and her mother are very close - I know that they talk about everything and if I start out on a bad foot with her mother it will only get worse. Her father doesn''t really say much so I have no idea if he really feels the same way or not. I''ve also had people tell me that I need to talk to them again and If they don''t say yes to break it off with my girlfriend and let her deal with her parents. I don''t know if I''m willing to do that either but I really am at a lost on what to do next. I never expected this response from her parents, and they have always said that they are thankful that I love her and am in her life. The response I received however tells me maybe they were just saying that for her benefit. Please help!

 

[FrekeChild]

Ouch. I think you need to sit down with mom and tell her, in detail, your plans. How old are you? How old is your GF? Do you live in a big city or a small town?

If you''ve just started out and you''re already making 50k, that''s a pretty great start. Perhaps you should explain that you don''t plan on starting a family for a while yet, and you won''t until you feel financially capable of taking care of one. Depending on where you live, it''s pretty easy for a couple to live on 50k, and I''m assuming your GF will be working as well? BF and I live on about $25k a year, and we don''t get a lot of luxuries or anything, but it''s enough to get us by until we both graduate and he starts making the big bucks (probably 2-3 years and probably only around 50k-with a dang PhD. Oy.). But we''ll get married before that (after I graduate-a year and a few months) and start bringing in enough money for us to live more comfortably.

You need to explain that you love her daughter very much and you want to marry her and that won''t change. Suggest a longer engagement. Frankly, it''s none of her business what you make or what you don''t make, I understand that she''s looking out for her daughter''s longterm well-being, but I think that she needs to reconsider that you''ve only just started out. If you feel comfortable with your money situation, you need to express that to her. Write out a budget and give it to her if it helps. Does she really want to deny her daughter''s happiness? I think you need to express to her that you want her blessing, but that you aren''t asking for permission. And heck-she doesn''t know anything-you could end up kickin'' butt at your job and making 100k in a year.

When is the reunion?

Good luck.

 

[Moxy]

Just a few points in response. I did share with her my plans - I told her I plan on starting my own business in the next year to provide additional income (I can run it out of my home). Going back to school soon after, and after school moving into a position that will be opening in my company at that time (a know opening at that time). I also have been told that as soon as it is possible with company policy I will have another promotion - I''m not counting on this at all but I know that my hard work is drawing attention. If I do go back to school and complete everything I''ll have 3 degrees... I mean come on! lol - I just turned 27 and only left college (first 2 degrees) at 25. My GF is 27 also, and does also work. We both discussed when we wanted to get married after engagement and both agreed about 1.5-2 years after engagement so a long engagement is already what we planned. We live in a small/medium sized city - about 1.4 million people. The one thing I noticed when talking to her is that she continually said that she new my GF loved me. And I had to interject that I love her also - She would never volunteer that she knew or thought that I loved her daughter. It was almost like she wanted to confirm how she felt about me by omission of my love for her daughter. Thanks for the help. I had planned on taking to them again this Friday before the reunion and one thing I think I will change about the way I talk to them is to say what you said. I''m asking for a blessing not permission. I will say I''m quite worried that they will say no again and I''ll be up the much talked about "creek" without a paddle as far as they are concerned and have to make new plans.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I'm sorry, but I am sitting here with jaw open thinking about all the lovely things I would say to my own mother is she had the nerve to tell my boyfriend he didn't make enough money. Starting with "Didn't you raise me to be financially independent?"...but she did, which is why she would never say something so rude.

You can take what I'm saying with a grain of salt because I feel the whole "parents blessing" tradition is very antiquated--I mean your girlfriend is 27 and has probobably been living on her own for what? 9 years? The bottom line is who cares what her mom says? Her mother is putting your financial situation in front of her daughter's happiness. If you were unemployed and had no interest in ever working, that would be a different story. But geez, you just got out of college! $50K is completely normal. Before you know it you'll be stressed out and feel trapped by your six figure job and you'll reminisce about the days when you made $50k because you were happier!

How do you think your girlfriend would react if she knew her mother said that? Do you think you MIL will always make you feel like you're not good enough? Are you worried at all about marrying into this family? (I'm half joking about that). Do you think that if you propose anyway it will cause a rift in the family? I hope not! I would move forward with your plans and maybe sit down with your fiancee and her mother after the proposal if it's what your fiancee wants to do. Otherwise, I would suggest you just propose and never justify yourself to your MIL again.

 

[HeadOverHeels4James]

I''m sorry you had to go through that!!! You should defiantly talk to them again. You brought up a great point "I''m asking for their blessing not permission." If they still say no, then I say go for it anyway! Granted your marrying into the family, but SHE is the one you want to spend forever with. If her parents can''t deal with her not marrying someone making X amount of money then they have the problem! You doing great for yourself and don''t allow their ignorance to make you second guess yourself!!

 

[Loves Vintage]

Hi - Sorry to hear that you had such an odd conversation with your gf's mother, but this all sounds very strange to me. You say your gf and her mother are very close? They don't sound very close. What does your gf want? Have you discussed marriage with her? Does she want to marry you? While a blessing from her mother may be nice, it is hardly required, and your gf's momma sounds a little off to me. She is telling you what your salary has to be? Ohhhhhh-kay, I'm sorry, but again that sounds totally insane. And, what friends are telling you that you should break it off with your gf if you go to talk to her mother again and can't get her mother's agreement? Good friends? Say you follow their advice -- you talk to the mother, she starts talking about her love of money again, and you break it off with your gf (w/o telling her about this little talk with her mother, I presume?), then time passes, your gf finally gets her life back together after the devastating break-up and finds a very well-meaning, uhm, let's see, PR guy for a non-profit who makes 20k/per year -- they get married w/o seeking mother's approval first -- you see how this does not work out so well for mother? Or you or your girlfriend for that matter!?!?!?!?

Sorry, I'm starting to ramble, but I feel I must be missing some important detail in your story. It seems the communication btw mother and daughter is way off, the mother is controlling (her poor husband probably gave up on trying to talk to her years ago which is why you perceive him to be quiet). Who is she to say how much it takes to raise a family? Who is she to say that your gf cannot have a career and have a family? Who is she to say that 50k is not a sufficient wage?

Again, sorry, this rambling is probably not very useful, but the mother's acceptance is only useful to some degree. If she does not approve for whatever silly reason she can cook up, she can either get over it or not, but whether you and your gf get married is a decision btw the two of you.

 

[ahappygirl]

I cannot believe this woman. If I were her daughter I would be beyond furious. I mean HOPPING MAD. You sound like a wonderful, considerate, loving, thoughtful, kind, hard-working and loyal young man. And VERY respectful and responsible. Practically speaking it also sounds like you have a great financial future ahead of you. You have worked hard and paid off a lot of student loans in a small time frame, saved for a ring, gotten an education, good job, and a promotion. Not exactly lazy and ambitionless.

I would sit down with your girlfriend ASAP. If it were me I would want to be in the loop here. BIG TIME.

I am so sorry this is the reaction you got. All I can say is you are handling this with courage, class and honesty. You should be very proud of yourself - it frankly speaks volumes about the kind of man you are and husband you will be.

Good luck.

 

[dockman3]

I have to agree with most of what''s been said already. You are asking for a blessing, not permission. I don''t quite know what I would do if my gf''s mother said no for such a ridiculous reason, but I know I wouldn''t break up with her! I would go ahead with my proposal and show up at the reunion as engaged. That''ll shut her up real quick. And here''s something you can do. Its kind of mean, but it just may work. If she gets all nasty with you later on and won''t talk to you because of this money issue, then tell her that her grandkids will grow up with only one set of grandparents because you don''t want your kids influenced by her. Tell her that if her attitude doesn''t change and she doesn''t accept you for who you are and how much you make, then you''ll make sure that she only sees her grandkids maybe once a year, if you''re feeling generous. Now you don''t have to actually mean this when you say it, but just the thought alone might be enough to scare her into accepting you and rethinking your situation. At this point, you''re going to marry her whether her mother likes it or not. I say all of this half jokingly, but in all seriousness, you need to be firm with her and make it clear that you will be just fine and that more than 95% of the world''s population raises a family just fine on less than $50k a year. She needs to think about what her daughter wants and not what she wants. Good luck man, and let us know how it goes!

 

[KCCutie]

I''m reading this thinking "What is this lady thinking!" If my parents said anything of the sort to my SO I''d be furious!

The only thing I can think of is their reaction a cultural thing.....I know my parents wouldn''t say something like that but in some cultures it may be totally normal, and I don''t want to blast the poor woman for reacting in a way that is common in her culture. However if it is cultural you need to aware that going against not only her families wishes but also a cultural norm may not be something you and your GF are ready for.....Just a thought.

 

[jewelerman]

I do understand that you want the parents blessing...and for now you dont...you are letting this women control your future happiness...She will never approve of anyone...no one will ever be good enough for her daughter.... you are marring into the family but you are not marring the mother.If you love your girl friend you will ask her to marry you and then work on this together...a women that disrespects you and your feeling like she did will always be a challenge so you must stand firm in your decisions or she will walk on you and your future wife through out your life.Show them on paper your plans and make sure that their daughter is very verbal about her feeling and support...She is not a child and this is a good way to show her parents that she has her own life and can run it on her own.Her mother really disrespected her by treating you this way.Ther are many mother in laws that would Love for their daughters to have a guy that has future plans like you do...Good luck

 

[jewelerman]

After reading my post i realized that you are a 27 year old man and not 18...you dont own these people a view into your private money matters...do they make enough money by your standards?I would let them know that the only reason you are sharing your plans with them is to make them feel more secure about their daughter''s future...money isnt the most important thing here...money can come and go but remind them that you will love ,respect,and be good to their daughter and that you will be a good fatherwho knows that there is more to raising a family then just money.

 

[nclrgirl]

Moxy, I''m so sorry that such a terrible thing happened to you! I have a couple of questions that may help us all understand the situation better.

1) Have you and your girlfriend spoken about getting engaged/married soon? (I know you said 1.5 to 2 yr engagement) If yes, you should definitely tell your girlfriend about the conversation with her Mom. She should know.

2) Is your g/f''s family…let''s call it "very well off"? Her mother kind of sounds a bit uppity to me (just my opinion, not trying to be mean here).

But seriously, I would try one more time for the sake of family peace, but if she treats you badly again, go to your girlfriend, tell her about the conversation, and ask her what she wants you to do (i.e. still propose, or drop it). Then you can make your decision from there.

Sending hugs and good luck your way!

 

[HollyS]

You''ve finished college; you''re financially independent; apparently so is your girlfriend, as she lives 4 states away from her family.

What makes young people today -- independent, out in the world, all on their own -- ask to get married??

If you had just proposed, her mother would have had to accept it. She would have put on her happy face for her daughter, if they''re really that close, and things would have been fine. Instead, you gave her the opportunity to decide for her daughter, and she did. She doesn''t want you as a son-in-law, so you can bet she hopes she''s shut you down for good.

Well, I''d have to call her hand. If you really love her daughter, and know this is the right move, and you are sure that your GF is nothing like her mother in terms of her personal values . . . tell your GF what her mother said. And then stand back, ''cause the caca will hit the fan.

Marriage is about ''leaving'' your family, putting them behind you, and ''becoming one'' with a mate. If your GF chooses her family over you . . . because of your income

. . . then you will know she wasn''t the right woman for you to marry. If she is, she will stand up for herself and you. After all, neither of you is a child any more. What your parents want is really not the point, is it?

And, quite frankly, sounds as if Mama has some issues. Jealousy maybe? Control? Fear of letting go?

 

[sklingem]

This made me so furious!! It is not like you are not making any money here! Who is her mom to tell you how much it costs to raise a family? Maybe her daughter will have some income as well (imagine that!!) and maybe you guys are not going to have 10 children right away either!!

This sounds so utterly materialistic to me it makes me sick. Maybe you should tell her that money does not buy happiness either. Realistically though, I would talk to her again, make your point that you are starting out in your career and that you are really asking for their blessing AND that you are going to marry their daughter no matter what they say. GRRRRRRRR! This is pathetic.

 

[Elmorton]

Talk to your partner. If she wants to be engaged without her mother''s blessing, it should be her call. And, if she and her mother are close, I can''t imagine that she doesn''t suspect that her mother has doubts. You and your partner should be doing the communicating here.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Oh WOW this REALLY REALLY upsets me!

Is her mother some sort of stuck up snob? (sorry I don't mean to be rude but had to ask, sure sounds like it) You've got the ring, and Im sorry but $50,000 for being 27 is a really good salary. You sound like a respectable and responsible man. Why in Gods name does she think it cost $100,000 to have a family? Ive never heard of such a thing. Thats just asinine. I mean really...

Here's what I would do. I would tell her that you still intend on marrying her daughter and you WILL support her. Your sorry she feels this way but you love her daughter to the extent of wanting to make her your wife and that is just what you are going to do. DONT LET HER CONTROL YOUR FUTURE.

Maybe she will come around. Maybe not. But if you love her daughter, PROPOSE!!!!! Then let your girlfriend deal with her crazy mother. lol

God how terrible.

That makes me sick

 

[meresal]

Date: 6/25/2008 1:29:52 PM
Author: HollyS
You''ve finished college; you''re financially independent; apparently so is your girlfriend, as she lives 4 states away from her family.

What makes young people today -- independent, out in the world, all on their own -- ask to get married??

If you had just proposed, her mother would have had to accept it. She would have put on her happy face for her daughter, if they''re really that close, and things would have been fine. Instead, you gave her the opportunity to decide for her daughter, and she did. She doesn''t want you as a son-in-law, so you can bet she hopes she''s shut you down for good.

Well, I''d have to call her hand. If you really love her daughter, and know this is the right move, and you are sure that your GF is nothing like her mother in terms of her personal values . . . tell your GF what her mother said. And then stand back, ''cause the caca will hit the fan.

Marriage is about ''leaving'' your family, putting them behind you, and ''becoming one'' with a mate. If your GF chooses her family over you . . . because of your income

. . . then you will know she wasn''t the right woman for you to marry. If she is, she will stand up for herself and you. After all, neither of you is a child any more. What your parents want is really not the point, is it?

And, quite frankly, sounds as if Mama has some issues. Jealousy maybe? Control? Fear of letting go?

Holly: Bc MANY of us still live under the "My parents are paying for it" umbrella. Just because people are waiting longer to get married, doesn''t mean that all of us are using our own money to pay for it.
And for others, it''s just a respect issue. My sister has been engaged 3 times... only married to 2 (She gets married on Friday in Hawaii!!!!)... is 38, and EACH of these guys had called my dad to ask for his and my mother''s blessing. It''s what my parents ask, and if they were going to say no, the guys would have known LONG before even thinking about proposing.

As for the situation. I agree with everyone else. Talk to them again. Did you EVER see this coming, or have you never really been that close to them? I also agree that it sounds like you''re not making enough money for the mom''s happiness, not her daughter. She''s projecting... If the two of you make eachother happy, then go for it!!

 

[Moxy]

Answers -


How do you think your girlfriend would react if she knew her mother said that? I have discussed it with her - She's reacted several different ways over the past few days from anger at her mother to anger at me to complete fear that we will never be married. I can't even imagine how she feels not having been there. I told her I didn't want her mad at her mother because I can think of no other reason for her mother to do this than to protect her daughter.

Do you think you MIL will always make you feel like you're not good enough? - If she continues to critique my financial situation then yes. I'll never be good enough for her daughter in her eyes and that's not a winning situation.

Are you worried at all about marrying into this family? - I wasn't before this conversation took place. I'm horribly worried now.

Do you think that if you propose anyway it will cause a rift in the family? - Yes

What does your gf want? - She very much wants to marry me. Her closest friend confided in me that every time they go to exercise it comes up at least once in the conversation.

Have you discussed marriage with her? - Yes - All the time!

Does she want to marry you? -I'm going out on a limb here and saying yes but I guess I won't know for sure until I give her a ring lol (Just kidding... yes she does)

"I would sit down with your girlfriend ASAP. If it were me I would want to be in the loop here. BIG TIME. " - I though she should be included to so I had to be very careful what I said.


"The only thing I can think of is their reaction a cultural thing..." - Not that I know of... unless I'm confused about Southern Irish Catholic culture. lol

Have you and your girlfriend spoken about getting engaged/married soon? (I know you said 1.5 to 2 yr engagement) - We've spoken about getting both married and engaged. I told her that If we were to get engaged I wanted to be able to pay down (or off hopefully) my debt (school loans) and have some money saved. I also hoped that she would save some money during that time too. She agreed with me and we fell upon the long engagement as our solution. Get engaged now - get everything all "fixed" up - then get married.


Is your g/f's family…let's call it "very well off"? - I don't know for sure if they are completely well off but I do know that they appear to be. I've never asked because I felt it was none of my business - and by comparison - I thought that my financial standing was more or less no business of theirs either.

EACH of these guys had called my dad to ask for his and my mother's blessing. It's what my parents ask, and if they were going to say no, the guys would have known LONG before even thinking about proposing. - I thought that I was liked and that the family had accepted me. I've never had an argument or bad interaction with her family. This reaction was complete surprise. Never saw it coming.

 

[anchor31]

Wow, if my parents had said that to my FI, I would be LIVID!

Moxy - Since you and your GF are talking openly about getting engaged/married soon (congrats, by the way!!) and she knows you''re planning on proposing to her, I would suggest that she talked with her mother. She''s a grown woman, and I think it''s time she told her mother what she wants, that she''s old enough to make her own decisions, and that if everyone waited to make 100K a year to get married, not a lot of people would ever get married. I have a difficult relationship with my FI''s parents, and I always let him do the talking wen it comes to them. It goes over better since, well, I don''t seem to be good enough for him. His mother had a total freakout when we got engaged, and it wasn''t easy for FI to stand up to his mother, but he did it. Otherwise we wouldn''t be getting married in about a month! So I think it''s something your GF has to do. If you two get married, you will be each other''s family, and that should come first.

Good luck!

 

[PostIt]

Maybe the money issue she is bringing up is just a cop-out for just not liking you?

I would tell my SO that her mother said this, then I would ask her to marry you.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I dunno what a tough situ... her mom is obviously very narrow minded.... Maybe you could talk to your gf about it? Tell her you had a talk with her mom about marrying her *one day* and she didn''t seem very receptive.... She should talk in over with her mom and convince her mom it''s a good idea - not you.

I think it''s stupid not to get married just because you don''t make 100k a year. That is beyond rediculous. Makes me wonder if she is just finding excuses or she in genuinely that naive...

If all else fails - and you truly love yours gf - ask her to marry you annyway. Thank god her mom lives far away!

 

[Diamond Joe Quimby]

Wow, I cannot even believe that conversation you had….. here is what I would do…

1. Try to talk again with her parents. Tell her that you love their daughter and that you want to marry her and you are sure she wants to marry you. Explain that you have her (girlfriends ) best interests at heart and that why you are asking for their blessing to start with (because family is important to her). Explain that you understand they also have the best interests of their daughter in mind in wanting to have the best possible husband for her and remind them that no one will love her or look after her as much as you and remind thim not to discount you purely on financial grounds after only 2-3 years out of uni. Then go on to explain that you realize you are not a millionaire, but that you are working to do the best you can and will always do the best by their daughter both financially and in other ways

I find the putting your shoes on other peoples feet is always good, ie:

2. Ask them whether, when they got married, did they immedately earn lots of money, or did they have to work to get where they are? Did that not make them the people they are, haiving to work for their livelihood and not simply walk into money. Isn’t that what they would like to see their daughter and her partner do – ie work to make a life together and build it together?

3. When they got engaged, how would they have reacted if someone said they couldn’t

4. Are they asking you to walk away from their daughter – even if it breaks her heart? If not, then what do they suggest? Staying together but not getting married?

5. If all else fails, tell them that you WILL be asking their daughter for her hand in marriage with or without their blessing, and you will explain to their daughter that they would not give their blessing, despite your insistence, and explain the REASONS why they would not give their blessing……the KEY here is to say to them WHAT REASON WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GIVE YOUR DAUGHTER?? – put them in position of having to provide a REASON – make it clear to them that this reason will be relayed to their daughter as the reason you won’t marry her/or the reason she should not agree to marrying you,

6. Talk to your girlfriend about this – at the end of the day, we are a heap of strangers on an internet forumn who can offer all the ideas and thoughts in the world - she really needs to know, even if it means spoiling your plans for a surprise engagement!

 

[Moxy]

Date: 6/27/2008 12:01:37 AM
Author: Diamond Joe Quimby

6. Talk to your girlfriend about this – at the end of the day, we are a heap of strangers on an internet forumn who can offer all the ideas and thoughts in the world - she really needs to know, even if it means spoiling your plans for a surprise engagement!

ALL IS RESOLVED!!!!! - - I decided that this was the right course of action after much (and I mean MUCH) contemplation. I only wish I''d seen some of these posts sooner lol.

I told my GF that I had decided not to attend the family reunion. She was upset and angry with me until I explained why. I completely spilled the beans and told her everything. I told her that I knew that her Mother was only concerned for her well being and that I did not feel comfortable going after the conversation her mother and I had. Like MOST of you said you would be... she was furious. I told her I needed her to calm down and after she did she decided she was going to call her mother. I told her that If she was going to I wanted to be no where near her when she did so that her mother wouldn''t feel I was "putting her up to it". I said I would prefer you talk to your mother in person at the family reunion but if you want to call her that''s fine. She ended up calling while I was away and talked to her mother for nearly 2 hours. As soon she and her mother finished talking They both called me and we talked through all the issues at hand. I will say this. I had come to the conclusion before these events took place that I was prepared to break things off with my GF until such time as she was able to discuss things with her mother. You may think that is drastic but here is why. I went to both her parents to ask for a mother and father''s blessing on our marriage. Even though I only really received a negative response from one of them, that was enough. I needed to know that there was 100% agreement coming from her parents. Why? because if there were any thoughts or feelings of negativity toward our union from my parents or hers, that had the potential to Poison the whole relationship. One drop of poison in a well may not kill everyone but I has the potential to make many people sick. I want a relationship that won''t get sick and if it does has family on both sides invested completely in the recovery of the relationship.

 

[Moxy]

P.S. - I do now have to organize a new plan for asking for her hand but ruining all my plans was worth it to know that everything has been taken care of.

 

[Diamond Joe Quimby]

Great news that its been sorted - do the parents now give their blessing? and itf so, are you comfortable that they mena it? or are they just saying it to keep the daughter happy? ............

ANd, in my opinion, it is time to hatch a new plan for asking the question........

best of luck!

 

[sklingem]

Good news ... what did the mother say in the end??? Do you think that she just agreed to not upset her daughter? I hope that money was not again the central topic of discussion; I would make it very clear that my financial situation is off-limits to the parents. Good luck!!

 

[jitterymo]

Date: 6/25/2008 2:29:44 AM
Author: Moxy
Just a few points in response. I did share with her my plans - I told her I plan on starting my own business in the next year to provide additional income (I can run it out of my home). Going back to school soon after, and after school moving into a position that will be opening in my company at that time (a know opening at that time). I also have been told that as soon as it is possible with company policy I will have another promotion - I''m not counting on this at all but I know that my hard work is drawing attention. If I do go back to school and complete everything I''ll have 3 degrees... I mean come on! lol - I just turned 27 and only left college (first 2 degrees) at 25. My GF is 27 also, and does also work. We both discussed when we wanted to get married after engagement and both agreed about 1.5-2 years after engagement so a long engagement is already what we planned. We live in a small/medium sized city - about 1.4 million people. The one thing I noticed when talking to her is that she continually said that she new my GF loved me. And I had to interject that I love her also - She would never volunteer that she knew or thought that I loved her daughter. It was almost like she wanted to confirm how she felt about me by omission of my love for her daughter. Thanks for the help. I had planned on taking to them again this Friday before the reunion and one thing I think I will change about the way I talk to them is to say what you said. I''m asking for a blessing not permission. I will say I''m quite worried that they will say no again and I''ll be up the much talked about ''creek'' without a paddle as far as they are concerned and have to make new plans.

All I have to say about that is DANG! that is a small /medium city to you???? The population of mine is 1300 people!!! and that''s med for around here.

 

[ringshopper2008]

That mother is acting like a real c-bag. That''s like something out of a movie. I say you take a hundred dollar bill, and the engagement ring - and then next time you''re at their house, pull both out, tell the mother that you''re marrying her daughter because you love her, and light the $100 on fire and throw it in the mother''s face.

hahahhahaha

No, you obviously can''t do that, but I''d have zero respect for a woman talking to me like that. You didn''t need to tell us your salary, but you''re doing just fine at 50k unless you''re living in NYC or something.

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 6/25/2008 4:10:31 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
Oh WOW this REALLY REALLY upsets me!

Is her mother some sort of stuck up snob? (sorry I don''t mean to be rude but had to ask, sure sounds like it) You''ve got the ring, and Im sorry but $50,000 for being 27 is a really good salary. You sound like a respectable and responsible man. Why in Gods name does she think it cost $100,000 to have a family? Ive never heard of such a thing. Thats just asinine. I mean really...

Not that I would ever support what that mother said, but she does have a point- it costs, on average, $200,000 to raise a child from age 0 to age 18.
BUT, you aren''t going to make that 200k in one year (unless you devote your entire life to work, and in which case, you probably won''t be a family man or have any time for your kids).

 

[ringshopper2008]

Date: 6/26/2008 4:21:19 PM
Author: PostIt
Maybe the money issue she is bringing up is just a cop-out for just not liking you?

This is a valid point - the "cop out" part, not the "not liking [moxy]" part. I wouldn't say not liking Moxy, rather, it's a cop out because the mother isn't ready to hear that her daughter is going to get married.
The way Moxy described it, with them living so far away and not seeing Mox and his g/f often, maybe it's just a complete shock to the mother, and she is having a hard time accepting that her daughter is going to get married. So, she threw the money thing at you as it was the 1st reason she could think of to say you two shouldnt get married... but in reality she's just shocked.
Thoughts?