I need some advice from the ladies....

[dockman3]

Hey ladies! I hope I''m posting this in the right forum, but I could use some advice, and I''m guessing you are the best ones to answer this question. So here it is:

My relationship with my gf is reversed from most in the fact that I''m ready to get engaged and she''s not. She still has some issues with my mom and one of my friends, but that''s not a big deal at the moment. What gets me is that every time I try to bring the subject up, she keeps telling me that I can''t propose until next May, which is when I graduate. She doesn''t like the town we are living in now and feels like is keeping her career back because there aren''t many opportunities here. I keep trying to tell her that May 15th (or whatever date graduation is) is a completely arbitrary date from my point of view. She is saying that its the date on which I will no longer have ties to my school and will definitely be free to move. I tried to tell her that once I have my job set up, hopefully this fall sometime, that gives me a way out of here and there''s no reason we can''t get engaged before then. I already have a ring and a proposal picked out, but I''m afraid she''s goign to say no because its before May. We''ve been together for over 4 years now and I''m not afraid of losing her, I''m just ready to get engaged. Does anybody have advice on how I can get through to her that May is an arbitrary date and that nothing will change from May 14th to May 15th? I get a few more letters after my name, and that''s about it. Nothing about us changes after that date, and I don''t see her reason for wanting to wait that long and its killing me. Thanks in advance!

 

[princesss]

Honestly, I think you''re just going to have to wait. While May 15th may seem arbitrary to you, to her it makes complete sense. She''s told you when she''ll be comfortable making such a huge decision and you''re ignoring it because you don''t like her answer. While you may think nothing will change, what if you got engaged, and then somehow failed a class? She''d feel stuck in a town she has no ties to (if I remember your other posts correctly) and possibly feel like she''d been tricked into staying. She isn''t comfortable saying yes until she''s positive that you will be able to leave a place she''s not comfortable. There is nothing arbitrary about that.

 

[dockman3]

Princess,

Thanks for the reply. To answer your question, that can''t happen. I don''t have any classes left to take. I just have to finish writing my dissertation and that''s all. There have been plenty of people who have left my program without even finishing their dissertations and then they''ve come back to defend later. I''ll have all of my research done, it''ll just be the writing, which I can do from anywhere, so we are definitely free to mvoe. I do see your point about her waiting until she''s absoultely positive I won''t leave. That makes sense, and I know its not what I want to hear, but maybe that''s what I''ll have to do.

 

[mayachel]

Her desire to wait till you''ve finished everything doesn''t sound totally unreasonable to me. In part, I''d imagine that she wouldn''t want to distract you or take your mind off your studies while you finish up. Graduating at any level, is a milestone, and marks certain passage of time. I''m entering grad school myself, and have mixed feelings about wanting to get engaged RIGHT NOW before I start in the fall, because I know once I''m waist deep in work, that''s all I can focus on. It sounds like she''s given you a very clear "this is my timeline" and what makes her feel comfortable, so have conversations about how you love her and would love to do it sooner, but if in the end she feels strongly enough about May, you''ll have to decide if you want to wait. (Sounds like you will

)

 

[absolut_blonde]

How long have you been discussing marriage for? Is it a relatively new progression in your relationship? Also, had you discussed when specifically you wanted to marry?

How deep are the issues she has with your mother and your friend? Are you sure those aren''t an influencing factor? I would definitely be concerned if I didn''t get along with my future MIL.


I definitely don''t think NOW is a good time. It sounds like she isn''t ready or just doesn''t feel it is the right time for you as a couple. Perhaps sometime next spring, as the May 15th date approaches, she will feel more ready -- once it''s in sight and only 2-3 months away, your graduation will probably feel a lot more ''real'' to her and that MAY help soothe her misgivings. But that''s something you''ll have to feel out for yourself.

Although... I just saw your last post. Do you have plans to move prior to May 15th? Would she still want to wait til May 15th if you had already left your current town?

 

[dockman3]

Mayachal - I''ve tried having those kinds of talks with her, and she is pretty dead set on May, so right now, it looks like I am goign to have to wait.

Absolut - We''ve been discussing marriage for probably 6 months now, so its not that new. She''s always said she wants to keep waiting for another 2 years. She''s been saying that for the past 3 years, but we''ve only gotten serious about marriage in the last 6 months. I know that right this minute isn''t the perfect time, at least not from her point of view, so I don''t mind waiting a little longer, but May just seems so far away. The issue with my friend isn''t a huge deal and should have no effect on our relationship. As for my mother, we''re working on it and things are getting better. My bet is that she would marry me, or at least get engaged, as soon as I move away from here, but I should be graduating and May and really don''t want to leave before then.

 

[Anna0499]

This is an interesting post to me because I am also the one in my LTR that wants to wait to get engaged (I''m in law school and will be for another 3 years w/my joint degree). My SO would propose tomorrow if I gave the word, he sounds a lot like you!

I don''t know much about your relationship but it''s kind of odd to me that she would not trust you when you say you will finish school and will be leaving the town you''re in soon. I know if my SO, whom I plan to marry, told me something so important I would trust and believe him. It sounds like there is a deeper meaning behind the May date...even if you HAD classes to take & pass, you could have always made those up in the summertime in a month or so, so I''m not sure if your school situation isn''t just covering up her real reasons for not wanting to get engaged anytime soon. Like I said, I don''t know if this is true or not but it''s just my impression at first glance. Also, it''s not like if you get engaged either one of you is stuck in a certain town...unless you are planning a shotgun-type wedding there would be no rush for the marriage and most people take quite some time to plan one. Good luck either way!

 

[FrekeChild]

Anna- Grad school classes are not usually offered in the summer. You can do independent study with professors, but that may or may not fulfill requirements.

I don''t know what to tell you dockman. This is kind of a wack situation. I don''t even know what to say that hasn''t been said already.

 

[swingirl]

After being together for 4 years it seems odd that there would be any doubts based on a date. Getting engaged is supposed to stand for the intent to be married to each other. The details about where you live or work should be secondary.

Does your gf have doubts about whether or not you'll really leave this town?

Maybe there are other things that need to be worked out before she is ready for the commitment. Maybe she wants to see how the issues with your mother and friend play out. Those might be more important that you realize.

 

[Anna0499]

Well, OP said that he had no more classes to complete anyway, just his dissertation which seems to be on the right track. My university offers summer courses for my Masters Degree but maybe it depends on the size/concentration/school? Anyway, I was just giving my opinion that don''t think his graduation date is the major reason behind her delay, and agree with the above poster that engagement is just the intent to marry. OP''s graduation does not directly control whether or not he will stay in the town, if he said he would move to make her more comfortable you would think after four years she would believe him...

 

[trillionaire]

Is the issue that she doesn''t want a long engagement? Or a local wedding? I have friends that were engaged for 3 years, so I am not really sure what an engagement has to do with where you live currently.

I think you need to wait until you guys can resolve whatever is holding her back, because it does seem odd to pick a somewhat arbitrary date. If you want to spend the rest of your lives together, then an engagement is just the declaration. It might actually make spending the last few months in your small town more bearable! Lots of wedding planning to get totally wrapped up in.... just ask some of the ladies around here!

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

It seems reasonable to me on a lot of levels. It is a big step and she may want to wait to take this one until you have taken your next one. My FI and I talked about marriage for a long time before we got engaged in part because I felt like my priority was school and not marriage and that would have to wait. He proposed my senior year, but we waited until after I graduated to start thinking wedding. I would have been useless for anything while writing my senior thesis and she may feel you need to focus on working not a proposal.
The moving could be another thing. She feels like that is a major signal of your devotion and wants that commitment from you before making one of her own. I know that sounds like a lack of trust, but I have also seen people make the promises and not keep them.

 

[galeteia]

I agree with those who find the situation odd and likely indicative of deeper issues.

You don''t have to answer any of these questions, OP, just throwing out ideas as to why she may be waiting for that milestone. Do you have a history of not finishing things you start (I imagine you both have grown up a fair bit in 4 years in general)? Does your mother have beliefs that after you graduate you will move even closer within her sphere of influence, not away from her as your girlfriend prefers? Does your girlfriend perceive certain rites of passage as being mandatory before one is adult enough and settled enough to be a spouse? Does she expect you to have concrete plans for moving out of town by the time you graduate, like new city''s apartment found and lease signed before your graduation ceremony? Does she perceive the graduation as a ''cutting of the apron strings'' between you and your mother?

I hope that whatever it is giving her hesitation, it''s resolved and you two are happy.

 

[gwendolyn]

I can understand why she''d want you to have secured a job before moving ahead with the proposal--I too want to hold off on getting engaged until my boyfriend (who is, like yourself, ready to be engaged now) and I are financially stable. Although May is arbitrary, it''s at least a solid end point, as opposed to "whenever X happens" (like, "when I feel ready") which can be reliant upon and effected by many different factors and is much more vague than "by X date."

I would hold off on proposing or even talking about getting engaged until you get yourself a job, and then re-visit the topic with her. If her main concern was really about you getting a job in another geographic area, then she should be open to a proposal earlier than May if you''ve found work away from your school. If not, it seems there might be other concerns as well.

 

[dockman3]

Hey everyone, thanks for all of the suggestions so far! I wasn''t able to check the board over the weekend, so here are general responses to most of the questions and concerns I read.

As for the thing with my mother, yes, she wants me to get out of the sphere of influence. I go to school only 2 hours from my hometown and my brother and sister are at the same school, so my parents are up here often while she is from the other side of the country and sees her parents only twice a year. Aside from that, my mother can be controlling and it gets on her nerves. But like I said, the more they interact, the better it gets, but I can''t understand why this would factor into the May decision.

As for commitment, yes, should would like to see some commitment on my part. She moved out here to be with me while I finish up school and the agreement has always been that I will move wherever she wants next. I have every intention of doing that and my degree will offer me the flexibility to get a job in just about any market. I''m not worried about that, but can''t start looking for a job until the fall.

As for my graduation, that is not a question. I will be out in May and there is nothing besides my own work ethic to stop me. I''ve been very up front with my adviser about this and he is on the same page as me so that I can graduate in May with no problems. A few other students in my program have stayed on after they graduate and she is kind of nervous that I''m going to do the same thing and never leave, but I''ve assured her I will.

As for local wedding, no, she does not want to get married here, but will probably get married in her hometown. We''ve already discussed some of those situations. She doesn''t want a super long engagement and thinks that about a year is a good time, but could go longer if she needed to.

I think those are the answers to most of the questions posted here. I"m still somewhat baffled by the May date, but maybe it is just a safe date in her head where I finally will have no more ties to this place.

The only other thing I can think of that may be related is that she has said she wants to get her career on track a bit more before getting married. While I can appreciate that sentiment, I don''t see how that stops you from getting engaged? I''ve never said we have to get married right away. Maybe I''m just pushing it too much right now and need to back off and let things progress naturally. I don''t know. If you have any more advice, I''d love to hear it as I''m clearly confused. Sorry for the long post and thanks for listening everybody! I really appreciate it.