Home What makes your mother so fabulous?

[Mrs Mitchell]

I''ve been thinking a lot about this, as the mother of a little girl, and in the context of some of TGal''s recent threads about parents.

I have a cordial but rather superficial relationship with my mother. We are polite, we mark all of the relevant occasions like birthdays, holidays, mothers day etc, we talk occasionally and I visit fairly often. To be honest, it''s more out of respect for the role and idea of mother, rather than any desire to spend time with her or involve her in my life. Truthfully, we don''t much like each other. It''s exactly the same relationship that she had with her own mother and from what I''ve heard, her mother had much the same relationship with her mother too.

On a few of the recent threads, people have said how much they love their mothers, how close they are or what a great job they did as parents. I''d like to learn from some of your experiences, rather than repeat my own family pattern once more. Can you tell me a little about why you have love and respect for your mother please, and what things she did or said when you were a child that made you feel loved and special? I know that is probably hard to distil into a post, but if you could give me some thoughts, I would appreciate it.

I don''t want to be my mother all over again, to lose my little girl when she''s legally old enough to leave my home, I don''t want her to dislike me and I don''t want to undermine her confidence and happiness. Ok, so which parent does, I know, but I don''t have a model of how to do it and I''m finding that how not to do it model difficult to translate into something more positive.

Thank you if you''ve read this disorganised, confused post and thank you again if you reply!

Jen

 

[TravelingGal]

This is a tough one MrsM!

What I appreciate about my mom is that she SAID she loved me a lot. I loved hearing that as a kid.

I guess I could sum up my mother in a story, although it wasn''t when I was really young. When I was 23, I had my first job and I bombed at it. First real thing I failed at. I nearly got fired, but quit myself. Was unemployed for 6 months (felt like a long time at that age.) Had to move back home and it was a time where we had recently gave up having a store after the LA riots so my dad went to Korea to look for work and my mom was supporting us working for $5 an hour at the local mom and pop Korean market.

I was stressed at finding a job, but finally lucked out and was going through the process of interviewing for a United Airlines account exec. It was a 3 interview process and I passed the first 2 with flying colors. The third interview is a group interview with other candidates and some activities so they can see how you interact. Shortly after I got a letter saying I wasn''t selected for a position.

I was devastated. I remember crumpling to the floor with the letter in hand and crying in a fetal position. It was the lowest point in my family''s life and I couldn''t get a job to support us as we just had no money. My mom came home after work and I showed her the letter and started to cry again. She just cupped my face in her hands, looked me in the eyes and said so lovingly, "I''m so proud of you."

That''s my mom. Loves me when I''m high, loves me when I''m low. Always has. And seems to be really proud to be my mother, no matter what a failure I might be.

 

[Porridge]

My mum is incredible. She is just so calm, generous, fun...I am *thrilled* when people tell me I am like her.

What's so great about her as a mum...she is very even tempered, so she never really gets cross. But she commands respect, so disappointing her would just make me feel awful. She's very socially aware. She'll keep her cool for everything and anything, and be so conscious of what other people might be feeling, so there's never any fuss, never any "issues" with her, no drama at all. I always felt I could go to her with anything, and there'd be no judgement. There's a good side to everything - she never lets me feel badly, and always finds a reason to be proud of me.

She's exceptionally generous, with everything. She has seemingly limitless amount of energy. She doesn't even seem to realise she's being generous - giving large amounts of time and energy to whoever needs it is just what she does, it wouldn't occur to her to do anything else.

She's very intelligent. She is very successful in her career. She analyses things to death, she thinks of everything, and sees angles to situations that nobody else would see. So she's great to talk things over with.

She's loads of fun! The perennial good mood and boundless energy makes for great times. She loves active holidays, get togethers, small groups, big parties, excursions, movie nights...just generally a fun person to be around. She has loads of hobbies and enjoys doing her own thing. She is in great shape and she's beautiful. She looks about 10 years younger than she is.

Everyone loves her. I'm lucky she's my mummy. She's just absolutely fabulous, and I want to be her when I grow up

 

[princesss]

Hmmm...interesting question.

I know I stressed my mom out (whether by deciding I just had to take gymnastics and play soccer on the same day of the week so we didn''t get home until dark, or by just plain being an obnoxious teenager), but I never doubted for a second that my mom loved me. Not once. She was always interested in what was going on at school, knew my friends and their parents, and spent time with me - whether by taking my friends and me to the beach on the weekend, going to a movie, or just cuddling in bed with me when Dad was out of town.

My mom made me feel special - like there wasn''t another girl in the world she would have chosen for a daughter. That''s probably what matters the most to me - that she never skimped on showing me that she loved me and that I was special to her.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Thank you for sharing that, Porridge. I get a sense that the things which make your mom a fabulous mom are just the things that make her a fabulous person! You are lucky, she sounds amazing and inspirational. I don''t think I can aspire to that league

but some of the things I''m going to take to heart for myself from your post is an even temper, generosity and no judgments. Thank you.

The no judgments point is very important to me - I remember my mother (and grandmother) having very rigid views on anything even vaguely to do with sex (only after marriage, only with someone of the opposite gender, only one marriage per lifetime unless parted by death and even then better not, no children out of wedlock ever, no revealing garments, no being alone with a person of the opposite gender, no opposite gender housemates and so on...). I would never, ever have discussed a relationship or any aspect of sexuality with my mother, because there was so much judgement, a bad side to everything and lots of issues and dramas.

TGal, what can I say? Your mother said she loves you and then showed you that she loved you. It doesn''t get better than that. I sense from a lot of your posts that she had a hard life, a bit of a struggle and that you have enormous respect for her. I will remember to tell A that I love her every day (I do right now, easy while she isn''t being a teenager

). Thank you for sharing that story (and it brought a lump to my throat).

Princess, that''s exactly what I''m trying to achieve. A daughter who never doubts that I love her and who feels special because of it. Funny, my mother never knew what I did at school, yet placed a very high value on academic success. Plus, she was a teacher. Your post emphasised for me how much that matters to a child -one thing I will always do when the time comes for my own daughter to go to school is take a genuine interest in the details. Thank you!

 

[sctsbride09]

This is going to be a difficult one to fit everything..My mom was a single mother to myself and my brother. Though at times she held down 3 jobs to support us, she never told us she didnt have time for us or that she was too busy. I can look back on times in my childhood were she shouldve broken down, but she never did. She stayed strong for us, and always told us we were the most important thing in her life, and so it was worth it. She always made sure to tell us how important we were and how much she loved us. My mom always supported my dreams, from a very early age I wanted to be a makeup artist, and she did everything she could to encourage that dream. That was always so important to me, because she didnt try to make me into something Im not, same with my brother, she always supported us. If I had wanted to be a clown, she would have been just fine with it, as long as I am happy. She always listened, and still does. I know its probably sad to some people, but besides DH, she is my best friend. I dont know what I would do without her. If I ever have kids, I could only hope to be half as good a mother as she is. I know there are a million other reasons I love her, but the reasons above stuck out most to me and I didnt want to write a novel. Hope that helps.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

It does help, thank you. Again, the theme of saying I love you and having time for your child, as well as an interest in the details of their life seems to be important.

I like what you say about supporting you to be whoever and whatever you want to be - I must resist the temptation to push my daughter down paths that aren''t right for her.

Thanks.

Jen

 

[elrohwen]

I think my mom has always been an awesome mom. Sometimes she gets on my nerves, but that's what moms are for

She says I was an easy kid, but I also think she always knew what to do when raising me. I appreciate that she was always reasonable too. I had friends who would want to come over and hang out, and the parents would tell them "no" for no good reason. It's one thing if you have plans or just say "you need to spend more time at home" but these parents didn't really have a reason and it was so arbitrary. Half the time they would get angry with the kid just for asking! It always seemed so strange to me that a parent would get mad just because their kid wanted to go hangout with a friend (we were all super good kids who got straight A and didn't get into trouble).

My mom never did arbitrary things like this and told me what I had to do and why (obviously this doesn't work with little kids, but by the time a kid is 12 I think they deserve some sort of explanation of why they can't do something like visit a friend). Her rules always seemed to serve a purpose, and even if I didn't always agree with them I could always understand where she was coming from. It's hard to respect someone who is always yelling and coming up with arbitrary rules just to make your life difficult.

She never yelled or lost her temper - disappointment in me was enough, but I don't think I disappointed her often.

I'm also an only child, so my mom has always spent so much time just being with me and chatting with me. She's definitely one of my best friends.

 

[Black Jade]

My Mom is a flawed human being. When I was younger, I could only see her flaws. Then I became a Mom myself and my own flaws got more and more apparent and as my children grew older and more difficult, I started to appreciate how very well she did things and stopped being angry at her for not being perfect.

Even when I was mad at her for being what she was, I could not deny the love that was always there. My mom is one of those of moms who always and absolutely put her children and their needs in front of everything else and was always there for all of us. (there are four living). She is an amazing gifted woman, brilliantly intelligent (she has two master''s degrees and is an all but dissertation Ph.D.) who rose from nothing to be worth a great deal of money running real estate, who taught 40 years in the NYC school system in the worst districts and did a great deal for the most dysfunctional children, who was a substitute in another school district after ''retirement'', who keeps a beautiful garden, cooks like an angel, sings in the choir, teaches piano and many other things. Yet she always managed to give the impression to us that she was a SAHM who had nothing but time for us. She was always there when we got home from school with a hot meal, and not only that, she made breakfast every morning and packed home cooked lunches. I remember going to the the Tastee bread factory on a school trip when I was about 7. I was so shocked to see that you could buy bread in a package, because we never did. Mom baked it all from scratch.

I think the most important thing she ever told me was "You can have it all, you know, just not all at the same time."

This was when women''s liberation was just beginning and I would come home full of platitudes about how oppressive women''s lives were and how much needed to be changed so that we could be ''equal.''. My mom was really surprised to learn that women were not equal, because she (and all the women in her family) did anything that they wanted to and accomplished anything that they wanted to accomplish and always had. And she expected me to also. But never at the expense of my children and their needs. she always said, take your time to raise your kids--you have the whole rest of your life in front of you. And told me how freeing menopause was and how life was like a second chance after that. And when I see her active, full life at age 79 I think that she knew (and knows) a thing or too.

 

[ChinaCat]

I could write a lot, but in keeping it short to answer your question:

1. I always knew she loved me fiercely, no matter what. She showed me that in her actions, but also told me that all the time.
2. She let me fail but was there to comfort, support and pick me up when I needed it.

I think the biggest for me is that she let me be me, let me find out who and what I wanted to be, let me make big mistakes. I could make those mistakes because I knew no matter what I had somewhere to go and a home to go home to.

She also doesn''t make me feel stupid when I still call her to ask how to boil an egg, lets me call her to cry and complain and doesn''t try and tell me how to fix it, and doesn''t say "I told you so" when she''s right.

 

[TravelingGal]

MrsM, I have a lot of confidence that you are going to be a mother that Amelia has great fondness and love for!

Here are some other more tangible things that my mom did that made me think she was a great mom.

- She was not a hypocrite. I know no one is perfect, but my mom said what she meant and meant what she said. She led by example. My father WAS a hypocrite, so I knew the difference really well.

- When I was younger, it was her rules, her house. When I got older, she did take the time to listen. Most often, the consequences stayed, but she was fine to explain to me her reasons, as well as as listen to my reasoning as to why I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

- She had expectations of me. I liked that I knew what she expected and that I had goals to achieve. School, chores, etc.

- She had a sense of humor, even through the tough times. I must get mine from her.

- She NEVER played favorites between me and my brother. When one when picked on the other, and the other tattled, we both got it from her. I know I'm her favorite NOW (

) but as a kid, there was no way I could tell if she even had one.

- She was outwardly affectionate. Lots of hugs and kisses. Fairly rare for a Korean mother of her generation.

- There was never a moment in my life where I doubted that I came first. She gave me the best bites, the last of anything left, always ate the core of the mango because she said she preferred it, and the bones of the meat. I'll never forgot when I was 11 I was at my BFF's house and my BFF got in trouble because she drank her mom's pepsi. She raged, "Tracy, that was my pepsi!" At 11 years old, I was SHOCKED to hear this. My mother would have been upset at such a thing...the concept was difficult for me to grasp. It was one of the earliest times I remembered being so happy to have MY mother.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Elrowhen, you''ve put your finger on a lot of what upset me a lot as a kid and teenager - seemingly arbitary decision making, often with a bit of a snarl to it! I''ll try to avoid that, now that it''s been articulated. I''m going to print this thread and keep it with my baby journal, so I can look back on some of the comments here when I hit the difficult patches (also known as the teenage years). I think you make a good point about mothers getting on nerves, too. I can''t always be popular, but I can always try to be logical and loving.

Black Jade, I notice you place a lot of emphasis on food and nourishment. I find that really interesting - my mother has a very unhealthy relationship with food and my own inclination is to use it as a demonstration of love, I think. Cooking has always been my thing, and it''s the only home making skill I have. I would be really pleased if my girl looked back on a childhood filled with plentiful, healthy and home cooked food, and I also believe that eating together as a family is important. I know it isn''t always possible, but it''s something I try to aim for as much as possible. When DH talks about his childhood, it''s always in terms of what they ate.

"That was the year we did X and I remember it because my mother made strawberry jam...." for example.

ChinaCat, that is one very good point you make - it''s got to be hard to confide or trust in anyone who might say "I told you so." The temptation must be huge sometimes, and standing back to let anyone you love make a decision you don''t agree with must be hard. Kudos to your mom for being able to let you make your mistakes and helping you move on from them.

Jen

 

[jas]

Mrs M, I just want to thank you for starting this thread....

 

[Shoopy]

MrsM-I think you are a fabulous mom FWIW

.

My mom and I had a strained relationship when I was younger because she''s not a very affectionate person so I could never tell if she loved me or not. Obviously she did but during my teenage years there were times where I seriously believed she did not.

I also held on to the belief that we were complete opposites for so long. I was very attached to my father and my mom didn''t care too much for his family so I immediately thought it was my mom who had the problem. She''s also very traditional with everything and I couldn''t talk to her about anything: boys, sex, what was going on in my life, etc. When my father passed I was very angry that it was him and not her. Very angry and angry for a really long time.

When I was getting up to the date to leave for college I was so excited. Finally freedom because we argued so much. When the day came, my mom could only stay long enough to help me unpack, do some administrative stuff, and get groceries. Then she left. I wanted to walk her down but she parked far so she said not to worry about it. I remember thinking to myself, wow this lady can''t wait to be away from me either. She gave me a hug and got in the elevator and right before the door closed I looked at her face and noticed my mom was full of tears. The doors closed and I suddenly had this incredible urge to be with her.

That was the turning point in our relationship. I''ll never forget that moment. I walked into my empty dorm room (roommate never showed up) and looked at myself in the mirror and realized how much I loved my mom and how much she loved me.

Since then she has really been my best friend. When I cried because I hadn''t made any friends, had no family in the city where I was staying, and was lonely she told me it would be ok and it was. I would make friends and I did. When I thought there was no way I would ever get a good job, she told me I would and I did. When I cried in the phone with her because I was pregnant and felt ashamed since I am not married, she told me that life was great, babies are beautiful, you will be a good mom, and she was proud and happy for me. It was at that moment when I realized wow, I''m going to be a mom too and allowed myself to embrace it. When she called me three weeks postpartum to ask how I was doing and I burst into tears that I was not doing well at all, she showed up 5 hours later even though she had left just the day before and got me in to theraphy and took care of DD all night for 5 nights straight so that I could catch up on my sleep and get out of my fog. I am forever grateful for her. She has picked me up from the ground on so many occassions.

I also started having more meaningful conversations with her and I finally understood where my mom was coming from. It wasn''t that she was some awful person that couldn''t get along with my dad''s family, it was that they were awful to her. She just never wanted me to form judgment on them based on her relationship with them and I''m grateful for that. I also realized that while she is very traditional, she has always trusted my judgment which gave me a lot of confidence.

It sometimes makes me sad that I didn''t appreciate all that she did when I was going through the teen years. I know I put her through a lot of heartache. Anyway, even though I didn''t hear I love you all the time (still don''t) I could feel it.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 2:51:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal
MrsM, I have a lot of confidence that you are going to be a mother that Amelia has great fondness and love for!

Here are some other more tangible things that my mom did that made me think she was a great mom.

- She was not a hypocrite. I know no one is perfect, but my mom said what she meant and meant what she said. She led by example. My father WAS a hypocrite, so I knew the difference really well.

- When I was younger, it was her rules, her house. When I got older, she did take the time to listen. Most often, the consequences stayed, but she was fine to explain to me her reasons, as well as as listen to my reasoning as to why I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

- She had expectations of me. I liked that I knew what she expected and that I had goals to achieve. School, chores, etc.

- She had a sense of humor, even through the tough times. I must get mine from her.

- She NEVER played favorites between me and my brother. When one when picked on the other, and the other tattled, we both got it from her. I know I''m her favorite NOW (

) but as a kid, there was no way I could tell if she even had one.

- She was outwardly affectionate. Lots of hugs and kisses. Fairly rare for a Korean mother of her generation.

- There was never a moment in my life where I doubted that I came first. She gave me the best bites, the last of anything left, always ate the core of the mango because she said she preferred it, and the bones of the meat. I''ll never forgot when I was 11 I was at my BFF''s house and my BFF got in trouble because she drank her mom''s pepsi. She raged, ''Tracy, that was my pepsi!'' At 11 years old, I was SHOCKED to hear this. My mother would have been upset at such a thing...the concept was difficult for me to grasp. It was one of the earliest times I remembered being so happy to have MY mother.

Thanks, TGal. I don''t doubt that I can parent well, but then neither did my mother, ever.

Seriously, I''m slightly alarmed at it being at least the third generation of that side of the family to have this lack of closeness and affection with their mother. I just want to make sure I''m not missing something fundamental that would perpetuate the problem. I always feel envious of women who can write posts like the ones on this thread, and I''d love for A to have that.

I especially like the mingling of my house my rules with explanation of reasons. I like to think I will follow this ethos. Ask me again when she''s 15...

I do need to watch out for the hypocracy - I can be guilty of do as I say, not as I do. I''m bone idle and very untidy and I will only have myself to blame if I pass that on. I suppose I need to decide if I''m going to let lazy and untidy slide for all family members or start shaping up my own habits. Because it has to be one or the other, I suppose.

I feel for Tracy, btw. My father stabbed my hand with a fork when I was about 8 or 9 because I reached over to take one of his fries. Sometimes that was ok and amusing, I guess it wasn''t that day. Nice parenting.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 5/5/2010 3:23:34 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Thanks, TGal. I don''t doubt that I can parent well, but then neither did my mother, ever.

Seriously, I''m slightly alarmed at it being at least the third generation of that side of the family to have this lack of closeness and affection with their mother. I just want to make sure I''m not missing something fundamental that would perpetuate the problem. I always feel envious of women who can write posts like the ones on this thread, and I''d love for A to have that.

I especially like the mingling of my house my rules with explanation of reasons. I like to think I will follow this ethos. Ask me again when she''s 15...

I do need to watch out for the hypocracy - I can be guilty of do as I say, not as I do. I''m bone idle and very untidy and I will only have myself to blame if I pass that on. I suppose I need to decide if I''m going to let lazy and untidy slide for all family members or start shaping up my own habits. Because it has to be one or the other, I suppose.

I feel for Tracy, btw. My father stabbed my hand with a fork when I was about 8 or 9 because I reached over to take one of his fries. Sometimes that was ok and amusing, I guess it wasn''t that day. Nice parenting.

Ack MrsM...I have no words. I''m so sorry you have so many awful memories.

 

[FrekeChild]

Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

 

[JSM]

Great thread Mrs M.

Parenting is so so tough, I'm afraid to become a parent myself.

Growing up I was not close with either of my parents. I was an unexpected arrival and my dad resented me for the longest time (the feeling was mutual

). My mom is a nurse and worked a lot of nights and weekends so we could survive (money was very tight at the time). My family has never been one to say "I love you", or talk about love, sex, money, or anything beyond the superficial (Mom was very repressed by her own parents). I felt left on my own to learn about the world, and was always extremely independent.

However, my mom did her very very best to give us all the opportunities we could have. I did activities that she was never allowed to do, and would work extra hours just to pay for my skating lessons. She never missed a competition. She gave me boundaries, and discipline, things that I definitely needed. She was always encouraging, and trusted me to make good decisions, and suffer the consequences on my own if I didn't. But if I really needed help, she would be there.

I know she did the very best she could. She means the world to me. My mom really isn't my friend, she is my mom, but I wouldn't trade her for anything, and I RESPECT her. I took her and her efforts for granted when I was younger (and we'll not even go into the teenage years!), but I hope now she knows I appreciate all that she did, how hard she worked, and how much I admire her.

 

[jas]

Date: 5/5/2010 4:57:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

I''m w/ you, FC.

Mrs. M. the fork thing...I''m so sorry.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I have a wonderful mom and can only hope to be half as good to my daughter. She is giving, warm, compassionate, thoughtful, and loving. She was the kinda mom that baked cookies when we were sad and always bought us flowers on the first day of school. She even sent flowers while I was in college. My mom was great at sending care packages or cards when she knew we needed them. We always have fun and I still remember when I was 6 or 7 and she asked if I wanted to jump in the puddles. I was shocked (as only a little girl could be) so we took off our shoes and jumped in the rain! I always felt like my mom was there. I am a fear based person so knowing my mom was there to pick me up, be home when I got off the bus, take care of me when I was sick, come to my school events, etc really helped. I also really feel like she is not only my mom but now (as an adult) my friend. She is a great listener and one of the things I MOST appreciate is she doesn''t give serious life advice. She just listens to me vent and weigh the options and supports (unconditionally) whatever I decide.

MrsM, I know you will NOT be your mother b/c you are a different person than she is. You are loving and kind. A might not always like you (as I am sure T also won''t) but I am confident she will always love you and know YOU ARE HER MOM.

 

[Lilac]

I have a very interesting relationship with my mother. When I was younger we were so unbelievably close - she was raising me herself (my dad was involved, but they were divorced so mostly I was just with my mom) and we spent all our time together. Up until the age of 12 she was so wonderful and even though she definitely disciplined me and she was "in charge" I always knew she loved me and was proud of me and was someone I could talk to about anything and someone I could trust.

Then she got remarried and had a baby (my younger brother, who I love). She changed into a different person. I hit the teenage years and I'm sure I contributed to it as well, but my mom had no patience for anything anymore. It was her way or nothing. She didn't tell me she loved me as much anymore, there were no more hugs and kisses, we went from spending all our time together to spending no time just the two of us, and I always felt inadequate. She didn't TRY to make me feel this way, but the ways in which she changed made me feel that way. I see how she is when she is with my little brother now and she was never like that when I was a kid - she used to be patient, sweet, generous, and kind. Now it's almost like she has no patience at all and has a temper that can be set off by the slightest thing. I attribute a lot of it to my stepfather - he is an infuriating person who is impossible for many people to get along with and my mother is clearly unhappy with him. It's so hard for me to see her like that because while my mother and I have had our differences and arguments the last few years, I do love her very much and it's so hard for me to see her live with someone like that. She deserves to be happy, and he just isn't someone who can make her happy.

Ok, so clearly I went off topic. I'll try to get back and focus on the years when I was younger and I was very close to my mom... what made my mother so fabulous when I was a kid? She was patient, she was understanding, and she always told me she loved me. She listened when I needed to cry, to vent, or just to talk. She didn't try to offer "quick fixes" to problems - she just LISTENED. (This is one of the things I'm having trouble with now - sometimes I call my mom just to talk/vent but instead of her *listening* to me she tries to offer "simple" solutions to fix all my problems but doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying. It makes me so much less likely to want to talk to her and it's turning our relationship into a more superficial one rather than a very close one). When I was a kid, she supported me 100% no matter what and I knew that no matter what I did she would love me. She disciplined me but always made it clear why she was doing so. She took time to just spend time with ME - every week we went out for ice cream once a week and sat down to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. She was always there for me.

This is such a difficult post to write because it makes me miss the mom I had when I was kid and wonder what happened to her. Some days she shows signs of that person and I feel we're on our way to going back to the really close relationship we once had... but then other days I just don't get where she went.

ETA: I know my mom loves me. Now I feel bad for writing some of the things I did because it makes her sound bad. She really has been a wonderful mom and I do know she loves me and cares about me deeply, sometimes I just wish she expressed it differently (like she used to).

 

[lyra]

Well, I lost my mother 12 years ago, but I know what I miss the most about her. She supported me through everything that ever happened in my life. She rarely (if ever) criticized anything about me, my husband or kids, our marriage, etc. She was just my constant cheerleader. She was always there, mostly through phonecalls as we lived very far apart.

I think we can try to be the kind of mother we had or wished we had, but there will be adjustments with different children. With one of my daughters, I can talk about absolutely anything in our lives. There is no limit on what she will share with me either. I can really have meaningful conversations about every aspect of life with her. With the other daughter, I have to find something to relate to as she is much more guarded and is not as willing to talk about some details of her life. So for her I support highly the things that are most important to her, such as her art. She is grateful that we allow her to be an artist by profession as many of her friends were told they had to "pick something better". So in my own way I try to be the cheerleader for both like my mother was for me. I just have to do it in different ways for each child. I hope I made sense here.

 

[elrohwen]

MrsM, what you said about food struck a chord. Every weekend, on Sunday, my mom would cook two meals that we would eat throughout the week as leftovers. From a young age I was in the kitchen helping her. I didn't always like it, but most of the time I did and it really made me love cooking and being in the kitchen. I was also a bit picky (what kid isn't) but my mom lead by example and made me one of the least picky eaters ever (just like her

).

When my mom and I get together now, we *always* cook, whether it's my house or hers. I can cook with DH and I feel like he's always in my way and I'm stepping on his toes. When I cook with my mom, it's like we're synchronized and we somehow finish with a beautiful meal and totally clean kitchen at the same time (that definitely doesn't happen with DH).

I couldn't believe it when I got to college and found out kids couldn't cook anything. Maybe I wasn't a gourmet chef, but my mom certainly gave me a lot of life skills in the kitchen. It sounds like this is an area where you and your daughter have a lot of bonding to do as she grows up

 

[phoenixgirl]

As a child, I never knew what sacrifices my mother made for me. I was an "oops" baby (7 and 9 years younger than my siblings) who came along right when she could have gone back to work. When my friends and I went to the interest meeting for a Brownie troop in first grade and we didn't have a leader, my mom agreed to do it, and then did it for 6 years. I never knew how much of an annoyance it was for her until she, still rather politely, filled me in just recently. Since my brother and sister were in a different age range and left for college when I was still young, she took me to many interesting places . . . the recreated colonial town, the renaissance fair, etc. I never felt like she was tired of taking her later-years child around to these things. I had the luxury of completely taking my mother for granted and never being made to feel bad about it.

My mother is very stoic, and she hardly ever cries, but when I was sixteen and my first boyfriend broke my heart, she cried real tears for me.

When I was 20 and we saw a cousin who had a 16 year old daughter with whom she was best buds, my mom expressed concern that maybe she wasn't buddy-buddy enough with me, but I had to assure her that this wasn't a fault. It's just not her personality. My dad was the one who wanted to know all the gossip and tell me his feelings and all that.

When I was 15, my mom drove some friends and me to the movies, and she asked (poor woman, asking "permission" of a teenager!) if she could watch it with us. I said sure, and my mom proceeded to walk down to the front of the theater so she wouldn't rain on our parade. I guess she was remembering the terrible 13-14 years! I had to say, mom, hey, come sit with us! But it was little things like that, where she just didn't complain and didn't make me feel bad, that I remember now as an adult.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Always interesting to read what others share!

I truely love that my Mom does not gossip or never has. Gives people the benefit of the doubt. She always sees the best in people and projected that growing up--and that is probably where I get my optomism from (or is it naivatee??).

Also my Mother is an accomplished cook, decorator, sewer, knitter and does anything creative without batting an eye. And she never takes credit for her abilities--when her brioche is always perfect, well, it is just luck. She hasn''t a shred of arrogance--just like her Mom, her humility is such a virtue.

I know we all have these little anectdotes--and mine is about "braces". As a teenager, I was self conscious about my teeth--being slightly crooked. I recall telling my Mom how I felt--and she took me to the Ortho--could have gone either way for the Dentist, since my case was minor. But my Mom understood how it made me feel and at the time it presented a bit of a hardship, but she saw that I got braces. I recently told her this, when she was here at Easter--how much I apprecaited it, and it was a wonderful moment.

cheers--Sharon

 

[gardengloves]

My mom has dementia, a former great beauty, fashion model, struggling to remember her past- the daughter of my wonderful grandmother.

My grandmother used to always say, if you don't have anything nice to say about some one, don't say anything at all. Words to live by, she was a great lady, never gossiped or spoke ill of others.

She used to say, you attract more flies with honey than vinegar, watch your temper and heed your words. As I grow older I appreciate her wisdom more every day. She was well loved and a figure of comfort for everyone who entered her world, a great beacon of light, so many rallied to her and she kept all confidences and lived by these simple creeds. she was well loved and a source of joy to many.

Would that I could be half the true lady she was, it gives my mom happiness when I tell her stories of my grandmother, her mother.

 

[loriken214]

Date: 5/5/2010 2:51:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal
MrsM, I have a lot of confidence that you are going to be a mother that Amelia has great fondness and love for!

Here are some other more tangible things that my mom did that made me think she was a great mom.

- She was not a hypocrite. I know no one is perfect, but my mom said what she meant and meant what she said. She led by example. My father WAS a hypocrite, so I knew the difference really well.

- When I was younger, it was her rules, her house. When I got older, she did take the time to listen. Most often, the consequences stayed, but she was fine to explain to me her reasons, as well as as listen to my reasoning as to why I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

- She had expectations of me. I liked that I knew what she expected and that I had goals to achieve. School, chores, etc.

- She had a sense of humor, even through the tough times. I must get mine from her.

- She NEVER played favorites between me and my brother. When one when picked on the other, and the other tattled, we both got it from her. I know I''m her favorite NOW (

) but as a kid, there was no way I could tell if she even had one.

- She was outwardly affectionate. Lots of hugs and kisses. Fairly rare for a Korean mother of her generation.

- There was never a moment in my life where I doubted that I came first. She gave me the best bites, the last of anything left, always ate the core of the mango because she said she preferred it, and the bones of the meat. I''ll never forgot when I was 11 I was at my BFF''s house and my BFF got in trouble because she drank her mom''s pepsi. She raged, ''Tracy, that was my pepsi!'' At 11 years old, I was SHOCKED to hear this. My mother would have been upset at such a thing...the concept was difficult for me to grasp. It was one of the earliest times I remembered being so happy to have MY mother.

TGal,

I''m borrowing your comments because I''m too choked up to write my own right now. My mom was very much like your mom. She was fiercely protective of me and my brother and loved us with every fiber of her being. We knew where we stood with mom and she was there for us, no matter what.

We lost our mom on October 4, 2007 and I miss her terribly. My heart is broken.

PLEASE hug your children and tell them you love them...and mean it. Kids know the difference. Actions and words make a big impression that will be remembered. Communication is key....ask about your child''s day and be interested in what they have to share with you. Be excited to see them when they come home each day.

DH and I do not have children, but I can imagine how it might be if we did. My mom would be our example.

Lori

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

I got very tearful reading the posts on this thread. So many touching tributes to amazing women who have and deserve the loving respect of their daughters.
Thank you to everyone who shared memories and thoughts on what makes their mother fabulous, I''m inspired and relieved to think that I can change the pattern in my own family for the better.

I would like to reply to people here individually, but first this is just a general thank you - I''ve very glad I asked the question, because the replies are so helpful. I like to think that I''m a loving and patient mother, but sometimes when A is being a traditional toddler/monster I catch myself reacting to her as if she was an adult who was trying to annoy me, rather than the sweet child who is testing her boundaries or expressing normal toddler frustration. That''s made me wonder recently if I''m sowing the seeds of the same pattern again and I wanted some input. I got it here, and I''m grateful for it, thank you.

What I have recognised is that I''m a grown up now and at least 50% responsible for my own relationship with my mother. Maybe that''s something I should work on, rather than treating as a closed chapter, because she''s still around for me and I''m sure she has some regrets too. She''s often spoken of the regrets she has about her relationship with my grandmother, so maybe I need to be the one to reach out.

Jen

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 3:15:07 PM
Author: fiery
MrsM-I think you are a fabulous mom FWIW

.

My mom and I had a strained relationship when I was younger because she''s not a very affectionate person so I could never tell if she loved me or not. Obviously she did but during my teenage years there were times where I seriously believed she did not.

I also held on to the belief that we were complete opposites for so long. I was very attached to my father and my mom didn''t care too much for his family so I immediately thought it was my mom who had the problem. She''s also very traditional with everything and I couldn''t talk to her about anything: boys, sex, what was going on in my life, etc. When my father passed I was very angry that it was him and not her. Very angry and angry for a really long time.

When I was getting up to the date to leave for college I was so excited. Finally freedom because we argued so much. When the day came, my mom could only stay long enough to help me unpack, do some administrative stuff, and get groceries. Then she left. I wanted to walk her down but she parked far so she said not to worry about it. I remember thinking to myself, wow this lady can''t wait to be away from me either. She gave me a hug and got in the elevator and right before the door closed I looked at her face and noticed my mom was full of tears. The doors closed and I suddenly had this incredible urge to be with her.

That was the turning point in our relationship. I''ll never forget that moment. I walked into my empty dorm room (roommate never showed up) and looked at myself in the mirror and realized how much I loved my mom and how much she loved me.

Since then she has really been my best friend. When I cried because I hadn''t made any friends, had no family in the city where I was staying, and was lonely she told me it would be ok and it was. I would make friends and I did. When I thought there was no way I would ever get a good job, she told me I would and I did. When I cried in the phone with her because I was pregnant and felt ashamed since I am not married, she told me that life was great, babies are beautiful, you will be a good mom, and she was proud and happy for me. It was at that moment when I realized wow, I''m going to be a mom too and allowed myself to embrace it. When she called me three weeks postpartum to ask how I was doing and I burst into tears that I was not doing well at all, she showed up 5 hours later even though she had left just the day before and got me in to theraphy and took care of DD all night for 5 nights straight so that I could catch up on my sleep and get out of my fog. I am forever grateful for her. She has picked me up from the ground on so many occassions.

I also started having more meaningful conversations with her and I finally understood where my mom was coming from. It wasn''t that she was some awful person that couldn''t get along with my dad''s family, it was that they were awful to her. She just never wanted me to form judgment on them based on her relationship with them and I''m grateful for that. I also realized that while she is very traditional, she has always trusted my judgment which gave me a lot of confidence.

It sometimes makes me sad that I didn''t appreciate all that she did when I was going through the teen years. I know I put her through a lot of heartache. Anyway, even though I didn''t hear I love you all the time (still don''t) I could feel it.

Fiery, I''ve often thought your mother sounded fabulous. You''ve mentioned her many times and I''ve always thought that you speak of her with love and respect. When you talked about that turning point in your relationship, I started to think that''s what I need too. Whether it''s a moment of clarity, like you had, or just a decision on my part to make the change, it''s something I would like to achieve. She''s on your side, she''s the one you can rely on - I want to be that person for A, but I also want to reclaim that for me too. I''m going to try. Thank you for your post.

On a slightly different point, I''m sorry you had those feelings when you found out you were pregnant, I hadn''t realised. I hope it didn''t spoil your pregnancy and I''m glad your mom put it into perspective. You have one of the cutest girls I''ve ever seen, too.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 4:31:24 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 5/5/2010 3:23:34 PM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Thanks, TGal. I don''t doubt that I can parent well, but then neither did my mother, ever.

Seriously, I''m slightly alarmed at it being at least the third generation of that side of the family to have this lack of closeness and affection with their mother. I just want to make sure I''m not missing something fundamental that would perpetuate the problem. I always feel envious of women who can write posts like the ones on this thread, and I''d love for A to have that.

I especially like the mingling of my house my rules with explanation of reasons. I like to think I will follow this ethos. Ask me again when she''s 15...

I do need to watch out for the hypocracy - I can be guilty of do as I say, not as I do. I''m bone idle and very untidy and I will only have myself to blame if I pass that on. I suppose I need to decide if I''m going to let lazy and untidy slide for all family members or start shaping up my own habits. Because it has to be one or the other, I suppose.

I feel for Tracy, btw. My father stabbed my hand with a fork when I was about 8 or 9 because I reached over to take one of his fries. Sometimes that was ok and amusing, I guess it wasn''t that day. Nice parenting.

Ack MrsM...I have no words. I''m so sorry you have so many awful memories.

Thank you. I also have some happy memories, and I think I need to stop wallowing in the bad ones. Really, this thread has started to give me some perspective- no parent is perfect. As Black Jade pointed out, wonderful parents can still be flawed individuals (which of us isn''t?). I need to focus on the fact that despite their flaws, my parents loved me. I was an only child, my parents were in their late 30s when I was born and my mother suffered from post partum depression. It was recognised (unusually for those days) but not really treated and we never bonded. I''m starting to think they were overwhelmed. They were brought up by parents with Victorian values and attitudes to parenting, that was their model. Spare the rod, seen and not heard etc I''m not making excuses for violence, but I am trying to put it into context and trying to reconcile it with being loving parents. Trying...

I think they also had unreasonable expectations of what a child could do (socially, behaviourally and emotionally) at each age and stage, which led to a lot of frustration for them. Really, they aren''t monsters but what they have taught me is that a few very bad times will colour a whole family relationship and outweigh all of the careful, loving parenting before and after.

My motivation for starting this thread was to get some insight into positive mother-daughter relationships, but I''m also geting some insight into my own feelings about my childhood. To some extent it is rather painful, but very positive. If it doesn''t sound too dramatic, I think I might look into some therapy around this topic. (Not common in Scotland, but I''m sure it''s available.)