What makes your mother so fabulous?

[Indylady]

I''m really enjoying reading this thread. My mother is wonderful, and fabulous, and I''m really excited to have a chance to post about her. My parents are both very giving and kind, but I''ll focus this post just on my mom. My mom and I are close, and we still hug and cuddle just like when I was a little kid. My mom has a master''s degree in finance, but gave up working so that she could be a SAHM. She didn''t trust me with a lot of people, and growing up it drove me wild. She wouldn''t let me play at most houses, but would let anyone come and play at ours. And I was never allowed to spend the night out. As an adult, it makes total sense to me now that my mom wouldn''t let me stay out. Its not that she didn''t want me to have fun, its that there are irresponsible parents out there, and she didn''t want to pass judgments on each parent and family specifically, so she banned them all. I also wasn''t supposed to date. But when I did, even though I wasn''t supposed to yet, I still knew that I could tell her. And I did, and she''d listen and talk to me about it. She''s also very sophisticated; and I think she passed at least a little bit of that along to me.

We do have our fair share of noisy spats (we''re both Leo''s, if that means anything

). Neither of us really hold grudges; problems happen in the moment, and they pass as soon as that moments over. I wish that I''d had something more profound to offer, but I guess the all I''ve got to say is that my mom is wonderful, and I''m so proud to be her daughter.

 

[Lilac]

My first post about my mom was a little negative, but I spent all day yesterday and today thinking about it. I realized that while I do feel my mother has changed from the mom she was when I was a kid, I should take more time to appreciate the things she DOES do now. Maybe if I do that, I won't be quite as sad about the things she has stopped doing.

- My mom always welcomed my husband with open arms. We met when I was 16 and he was 17 - she could have been unfriendly or acted like he was "just a guy friend who would go away in a couple weeks" but my mom was friendly and welcoming from Day 1 when he came in to meet her when he picked me up for our first date. She was so sweet to him and always invited him over. She developed a relationship with him and they even planned surprises for me together! She obviously didn't know if it would work out between him and I (truthfully, most parents would assume it wouldn't, given how young we were!) but she knew how incredibly important he was to me, so she always made the effort to include him in things and treated him like a member of the family. To this day, she is always so wonderful to him and sometimes I wonder if she loves him more than me!

(just kidding....)

- My mom has become really tolerant of my father and even friendly with my stepmother. She used to dislike my father very much, which always hurt me, but the last few years she has really truly made the effort to do some things with my father and be very civil and friendly to my dad and stepmom (they now sometimes celebrate my birthday together, they got along really well at my wedding and dinner the week afterwards to celebrate, various graduation celebrations, etc.) She has really tried for my sake to do things with my father despite the fact that I know they both don't really like each other. She even compliments him sometimes now, which I never thought I would hear! I know she has put a lot of effort into doing those things because she knows how important and special they are to me.

- When my mom and I fight, she can really yell and scream. She can be impatient. She very rarely, if EVER, apologizes (which I wish she would do, but that's another story). But once the fight is over, it's OVER. We can have a yelling, screaming argument, and then 10 minutes later we're fine and talking about going shopping or to lunch. I hate our fights, and I wish they never happened, but at least when they do she doesn't seem to hold a grudge or give me the silent treatment for a long time. We move on from arguments fairly quickly and I like it like that because I know when we are fighting that it's ok, things will be better very soon and we'll go back and pick up where we left off.

- I always know I can call her with cooking questions, shopping for food questions, or any questions I have. This has been so valuable to me this first year of marriage when I was trying to figure out how to do things on my own! She even lets me bring her laundry to her every time so I don't have to go to my building's gross basement alone. I do the laundry myself in her house, but she lets me use her machines and she keeps me company while I put up the laundry and fold the clothing. She sometimes takes me out to lunch in between, too.

- She worries about me. Sometimes the phone calls can be a pain when she calls a half hour after I leave her house to make sure I got home ok, or if she knows I have a late class and she calls me to make sure I got to my car ok, but whenever this happens I may roll my eyes, but I also smile a little. My mom worries about me because she loves me. She isn't doing it to be annoying - she's doing it because she cares about me and loves me. Sometimes she has a funny way of showing it, and sometimes I wish she were more patient just like she was when I was a kid, and sometimes I wish she SAID she loved me as much as she used to, but I know my mom loves me.

- She cheers for me and tells me she's proud of me. Whether it's graduating college, getting into grad schools, or cooking a meal for 12 people and making all kinds of new foods, she tells me she is proud of me. She is so much more excited for my graduation in a couple weeks than I am, and she's making me go to an honors ceremony next week because she's proud. And she was almost more excited than I was when I told her I got into my top choice for grad school!

I think sometimes I get caught up in thinking about all the ways in which my mom has changed the last few years since I was a kid. It makes me sad to think about it because bottom line is she HAS changed, but I need to focus on the things she still does that do make her a wonderful mom. I love her so much and I know she loves me too. I think as I get older I appreciate the things she does more, and I'm sure one day when I have children of my own I'll further appreciate her.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I''m a bit late to this thread but wanted to chime in to say that even if you relationship with your mom isn''t the greatest as a kid (mine certainly wasn''t), there is still hope for an amazing relationship later on in life.

My mom and I had a pretty big break when I was about 13, but rather than taking that as a final straw, she took it as an opportunity for self-reflection and to really move outside her comfort zone in how she interacted with me. By the time I was 16 or 17, we were closer than we''d ever been, and ever since then I''ve had enormous respect for her - not only has she achieved spectacular career success against incredible odds in a field where she has made (and continues to make) a huge difference to many, many peoples'' lives (public health), but she continues, even now, to grow as a human being. So not only do we get along, but I also really admire her as a human being - we are proud of each other, which I think is pretty special.

That, plus the fact that she has become over the years my single greatest source of support, (along with my husband now of course), is what makes us so close. She is always the first in line to celebrate my achievements with me and to commiserate when things get tough. She lends incredible moral support no matter what situation I find myself in. She is always my #1 cheerleader but also honest with me when I need her to be.

I''m incredibly lucky now, as an adult, to have such a fantastic relationship with her, and I know its because she made a very difficult effort many years ago, which showed me that she truly loved me, and she continues to find ways to show me that.

 

[ksinger]

I''ve been keeping up with this thread. I''d like to add my own reflections, but I don''t think I have the intestinal fortitude to add much since the loss of my wonderful mother is still a bit too fresh. I miss her. Every day.

The only thing I can add is that your relationship with YOUR mom is not destiny for how you raise your own children. My mother had a problematic relationship with her own mother, and made the conscious effort to analyze and then correct what she saw as deficiencies - she kept what was good about how her mother raised her, and changed the rest. The trick is awareness and then effort to not fall back into unconscious patterns. So I guess there''s really no trick after all. It just requires work.

Wonderful thread and great posts everyone. I''ve enjoyed reading all of them.

 

[ladypirate]

My mom is such an activist--she always stands up for what she believes in and does whatever she can to help those who need it. She truly believes that one person can change the world and she lives her life like that. It is so inspiring so see everything that she accomplishes just because she cares enough to try.

I am really honored that I have her as my mom. I love her!

 

[drk]

Somehow I seem to have higher expectations of my mother than I do my father, and a slightly more challenging relationship because of that. I love her, but she can also really rub me the wrong way sometimes. She grew up with an alcoholic mother and abusive father (I didn''t know this till after university), so it''s really pretty amazing that she turned into as good a parent as she did.

Things I liked:
- she could be a great advocate for us
- she was very smart and did a great job of helping us reach our academic potential
- she supported our extra-curricular interests
- she gave up her career as a nurse to be at home for us when we were little
- she obviously takes great pride in our accomplishments - can send lovely cards on special occasions
- she was open to talking about pretty much anything. When I was thinking about having sex with my first real boyfriend, I talked it over with her since I was a goody-two-shoes and catholic, and wasn''t sure what to think. She said she couldn''t really tell me it was bad, since she and my Dad had lived together before marriage. And then proceeded to ask me if I''d done it yet during every phone conversation, and then kept telling me to make sure my boyfriend made it good for me. Kind of strange conversations, really!
- she can be very generous at times - gave us the money to fund our IVF cycle

Things I could have done without:
- more open communication and less passive-aggressiveness. Sometimes it was hard to tell what she wanted. After my parents divorced, she''d ask about my Dad all the while seeming annoyed by what she''d hear if I gave her any info. She''d not come to arrangements with Dad about dividing up visit time, but would complain if we didn''t pan to spend more time with her. She had me in tears the eve of my wedding because she refused to move her rental car to enable my Dad to park his car in the remaining tight space in the hotel lot. I don''t need to be made party to her annoyance with him.
- get rid of the mood swings. She can turn very grumpy at the flip of a switch, and you won''t know what set off the bad mood.
- Trat all kids equally. I always felt she favoured my brother. And my SIL over my DH. They get aniversary presents (married on New Year''s Eve) as she visits them close to their anniversary. We''re lucky to get a card. In earlier years, SIL would get a present, my DH (then my very long-term boyfriend) wouldn''t.
- less harsh words to a little child. I was very well-behaved for the most part and was very sensitive, and being told I could be a real brat absolutely crushed me. I''d cry in my room and write a sad little note and leave it on her pillow. Discipline or criticize the behaviour, not the child.
- don''t offer unwanted quick fixes or advice unless I ask for it. Sometimes I just want to vent or chat.
- be supportive of my decisions even if you feel otherwise, as long as my choice is reasonable
- don''t be demanding or high-maintenance. Somehow with my Dad, we can hang out happily and do our own thing, and still interact occasioinally and be happy. Mom needs more attention and seems to need more constant interaction to be happy, which is just not who I am.

- less dependence on us kids.
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