Home What makes your mother so fabulous?

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 4:57:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

It was always going to be an emotional topic, but I had to wait a while before I could reply to the posts here. I''m uplifted and hopeful for my future and my daughter''s future.

If you want to respond, I''d love to read what you say. If it''s too emotional for you to want to do that, I''ll understand.

Jen

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 4:59:39 PM
Author: jsm
Great thread Mrs M.

Parenting is so so tough, I''m afraid to become a parent myself.

Growing up I was not close with either of my parents. I was an unexpected arrival and my dad resented me for the longest time (the feeling was mutual

). My mom is a nurse and worked a lot of nights and weekends so we could survive (money was very tight at the time). My family has never been one to say ''I love you'', or talk about love, sex, money, or anything beyond the superficial (Mom was very repressed by her own parents). I felt left on my own to learn about the world, and was always extremely independent.

However, my mom did her very very best to give us all the opportunities we could have. I did activities that she was never allowed to do, and would work extra hours just to pay for my skating lessons. She never missed a competition. She gave me boundaries, and discipline, things that I definitely needed. She was always encouraging, and trusted me to make good decisions, and suffer the consequences on my own if I didn''t. But if I really needed help, she would be there.

I know she did the very best she could. She means the world to me. My mom really isn''t my friend, she is my mom, but I wouldn''t trade her for anything, and I RESPECT her. I took her and her efforts for granted when I was younger (and we''ll not even go into the teenage years!), but I hope now she knows I appreciate all that she did, how hard she worked, and how much I admire her.

jsm, I was scared to be a parent for the longest time. I thought the only way to break the pattern in our family was to remain childless and I was sure of that decision.
Until the day I wanted to have a baby.

I still need help to get it right, and DH to give me a reality check occasionally, but it can be done. I think for me, it''s about confidence - I don''t have a great deal of parenting confidence - not with the baby phase, that was fine, but with the older child years.

Knowing that your mom did the best she could and being her daughter rather than her friend are two things that strike me as very important here. Frim what you''ve said, she struggled a bit and it''s very good to know that there was a very positive relationship as the outcome of that. Thank you for sharing that, it really helps.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 5:09:01 PM
Author: jas

Date: 5/5/2010 4:57:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

I''m w/ you, FC.

Mrs. M. the fork thing...I''m so sorry.

Thanks for your sympathy jas. It''s one of these things - it happened, I need to put stuff like that in the past. I''m 35, time to mend fences (even if I didn''t break them...).

If you want to post your thoughts on the topic, I''d be very interested to read them. As I said to FC, if it''s difficult, I''d totally understand. Such an emotional topic for so many of us, good or bad (or a bit of both).

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 6:33:03 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I have a wonderful mom and can only hope to be half as good to my daughter. She is giving, warm, compassionate, thoughtful, and loving. She was the kinda mom that baked cookies when we were sad and always bought us flowers on the first day of school. She even sent flowers while I was in college. My mom was great at sending care packages or cards when she knew we needed them. We always have fun and I still remember when I was 6 or 7 and she asked if I wanted to jump in the puddles. I was shocked (as only a little girl could be) so we took off our shoes and jumped in the rain! I always felt like my mom was there. I am a fear based person so knowing my mom was there to pick me up, be home when I got off the bus, take care of me when I was sick, come to my school events, etc really helped. I also really feel like she is not only my mom but now (as an adult) my friend. She is a great listener and one of the things I MOST appreciate is she doesn''t give serious life advice. She just listens to me vent and weigh the options and supports (unconditionally) whatever I decide.

MrsM, I know you will NOT be your mother b/c you are a different person than she is. You are loving and kind. A might not always like you (as I am sure T also won''t) but I am confident she will always love you and know YOU ARE HER MOM.

Thanks, Tacori. I''m pretty sure she won''t always like me haha. She doesn''t like me right now, but I still maintain that 2 is too young to use a petrol lawnmower and I was within my rights to stop that in its tracks.

She''s always trying some boundary or other!

Your mom has always been your biggest supporter, I''ve always had a strong sense of that when you''ve posted about family. Your dad too. You were one of the people I was thinking of when I asked the question, actually. Your relationship with your parents has always seemed so strong and so filled with love and warmth. I love the puddle jumping story - that''s the kind of memory that every kid should have! I''ll try to remember to listen without advising and support unconditionally, that''s a really good point, and I''m willing to bet it''s easier said than done. Thank you.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 6:46:02 PM
Author: Lilac
I have a very interesting relationship with my mother. When I was younger we were so unbelievably close - she was raising me herself (my dad was involved, but they were divorced so mostly I was just with my mom) and we spent all our time together. Up until the age of 12 she was so wonderful and even though she definitely disciplined me and she was ''in charge'' I always knew she loved me and was proud of me and was someone I could talk to about anything and someone I could trust.

Then she got remarried and had a baby (my younger brother, who I love). She changed into a different person. I hit the teenage years and I''m sure I contributed to it as well, but my mom had no patience for anything anymore. It was her way or nothing. She didn''t tell me she loved me as much anymore, there were no more hugs and kisses, we went from spending all our time together to spending no time just the two of us, and I always felt inadequate. She didn''t TRY to make me feel this way, but the ways in which she changed made me feel that way. I see how she is when she is with my little brother now and she was never like that when I was a kid - she used to be patient, sweet, generous, and kind. Now it''s almost like she has no patience at all and has a temper that can be set off by the slightest thing. I attribute a lot of it to my stepfather - he is an infuriating person who is impossible for many people to get along with and my mother is clearly unhappy with him. It''s so hard for me to see her like that because while my mother and I have had our differences and arguments the last few years, I do love her very much and it''s so hard for me to see her live with someone like that. She deserves to be happy, and he just isn''t someone who can make her happy.

Ok, so clearly I went off topic. I''ll try to get back and focus on the years when I was younger and I was very close to my mom... what made my mother so fabulous when I was a kid? She was patient, she was understanding, and she always told me she loved me. She listened when I needed to cry, to vent, or just to talk. She didn''t try to offer ''quick fixes'' to problems - she just LISTENED. (This is one of the things I''m having trouble with now - sometimes I call my mom just to talk/vent but instead of her *listening* to me she tries to offer ''simple'' solutions to fix all my problems but doesn''t actually listen to what I''m saying. It makes me so much less likely to want to talk to her and it''s turning our relationship into a more superficial one rather than a very close one). When I was a kid, she supported me 100% no matter what and I knew that no matter what I did she would love me. She disciplined me but always made it clear why she was doing so. She took time to just spend time with ME - every week we went out for ice cream once a week and sat down to talk about anything I wanted to talk about. She was always there for me.

This is such a difficult post to write because it makes me miss the mom I had when I was kid and wonder what happened to her. Some days she shows signs of that person and I feel we''re on our way to going back to the really close relationship we once had... but then other days I just don''t get where she went.

ETA: I know my mom loves me. Now I feel bad for writing some of the things I did because it makes her sound bad. She really has been a wonderful mom and I do know she loves me and cares about me deeply, sometimes I just wish she expressed it differently (like she used to).

Lilac, I''m so sorry that you have watched your mom in a relationship with someone who doesn''t make her happy. That must be heartbreaking in ways I can''t even imagine. I believe you when you say that was difficult to write, it must have been very hard and thank you for doing it anyway. The things you say made your mom so great are things I''m hearing over and over - someone who listened, someone who supported without judging or offering off the peg solutions. I''m going to try to take that away from this thread and remember it as a parent. As I said, I plan to print this thread and re-read it when I''m struggling or doubting myself, because there is so much inspiration here. Being there for you just sums up so much.

It was incredibly sad to read that you have lost some of your relationship there. That must be so hard for you - losing something that was precious. I hope that you can get it back somehow. Hugs.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 7:59:21 PM
Author: lyra
Well, I lost my mother 12 years ago, but I know what I miss the most about her. She supported me through everything that ever happened in my life. She rarely (if ever) criticized anything about me, my husband or kids, our marriage, etc. She was just my constant cheerleader. She was always there, mostly through phonecalls as we lived very far apart.

I think we can try to be the kind of mother we had or wished we had, but there will be adjustments with different children. With one of my daughters, I can talk about absolutely anything in our lives. There is no limit on what she will share with me either. I can really have meaningful conversations about every aspect of life with her. With the other daughter, I have to find something to relate to as she is much more guarded and is not as willing to talk about some details of her life. So for her I support highly the things that are most important to her, such as her art. She is grateful that we allow her to be an artist by profession as many of her friends were told they had to ''pick something better''. So in my own way I try to be the cheerleader for both like my mother was for me. I just have to do it in different ways for each child. I hope I made sense here.

Sorry for your loss, Lyra. The loss of a cheerleader and supporter as well as a mother must have hit you hard.

It''s very interesting that you have such a different relationship with your daughtersand I must remember that I need to respect my girl''s personality going forward and that I can''t project my own ''perfect mom'' image onto our relationship. I''ll just try to be there as her cheerleader and supporter in whatever way she wants to accept that. Thank you for that insight.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:00:51 PM
Author: elrohwen
MrsM, what you said about food struck a chord. Every weekend, on Sunday, my mom would cook two meals that we would eat throughout the week as leftovers. From a young age I was in the kitchen helping her. I didn''t always like it, but most of the time I did and it really made me love cooking and being in the kitchen. I was also a bit picky (what kid isn''t) but my mom lead by example and made me one of the least picky eaters ever (just like her

).

When my mom and I get together now, we *always* cook, whether it''s my house or hers. I can cook with DH and I feel like he''s always in my way and I''m stepping on his toes. When I cook with my mom, it''s like we''re synchronized and we somehow finish with a beautiful meal and totally clean kitchen at the same time (that definitely doesn''t happen with DH).

I couldn''t believe it when I got to college and found out kids couldn''t cook anything. Maybe I wasn''t a gourmet chef, but my mom certainly gave me a lot of life skills in the kitchen. It sounds like this is an area where you and your daughter have a lot of bonding to do as she grows up

Cooking, sharing food and some element of looking after each other is really important to me. I''m shocked at how many of my friends can''t cook a meal from scratch too. I''m also annoyed that they still look slender and healthy haha.

A likes to help me cook, although that mostly involves adding random objects to the meal. You haven''t lived until you''ve tasted our mac n cheese with plastic figures and a garnish of torn newspaper...

The rare times I had a heart to heart with my father, it was while we were cooking together. He''s a fantastic cook and he taught me a lot. Can''t say we ended up with a clean kitchen though, but they are good memories!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:00:54 PM
Author: phoenixgirl
As a child, I never knew what sacrifices my mother made for me. I was an ''oops'' baby (7 and 9 years younger than my siblings) who came along right when she could have gone back to work. When my friends and I went to the interest meeting for a Brownie troop in first grade and we didn''t have a leader, my mom agreed to do it, and then did it for 6 years. I never knew how much of an annoyance it was for her until she, still rather politely, filled me in just recently. Since my brother and sister were in a different age range and left for college when I was still young, she took me to many interesting places . . . the recreated colonial town, the renaissance fair, etc. I never felt like she was tired of taking her later-years child around to these things. I had the luxury of completely taking my mother for granted and never being made to feel bad about it.

My mother is very stoic, and she hardly ever cries, but when I was sixteen and my first boyfriend broke my heart, she cried real tears for me.

When I was 20 and we saw a cousin who had a 16 year old daughter with whom she was best buds, my mom expressed concern that maybe she wasn''t buddy-buddy enough with me, but I had to assure her that this wasn''t a fault. It''s just not her personality. My dad was the one who wanted to know all the gossip and tell me his feelings and all that.

When I was 15, my mom drove some friends and me to the movies, and she asked (poor woman, asking ''permission'' of a teenager!) if she could watch it with us. I said sure, and my mom proceeded to walk down to the front of the theater so she wouldn''t rain on our parade. I guess she was remembering the terrible 13-14 years! I had to say, mom, hey, come sit with us! But it was little things like that, where she just didn''t complain and didn''t make me feel bad, that I remember now as an adult.

Your mother must have had the patience of a saint! Brownie leader? I feel fear just thinking about it lol!
Says a lot that you wanted your mom to sit with you at the movies. I really hope that in years to come, A will be happy to have me there too. I also hope she''ll take me for granted in the way that you describe - that is truly a luxury and I''m glad you had that. Thank you for sharing it.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:03:12 PM
Author: canuk-gal
HI:

Always interesting to read what others share!

I truely love that my Mom does not gossip or never has. Gives people the benefit of the doubt. She always sees the best in people and projected that growing up--and that is probably where I get my optomism from (or is it naivatee??).

Also my Mother is an accomplished cook, decorator, sewer, knitter and does anything creative without batting an eye. And she never takes credit for her abilities--when her brioche is always perfect, well, it is just luck. She hasn''t a shred of arrogance--just like her Mom, her humility is such a virtue.

I know we all have these little anectdotes--and mine is about ''braces''. As a teenager, I was self conscious about my teeth--being slightly crooked. I recall telling my Mom how I felt--and she took me to the Ortho--could have gone either way for the Dentist, since my case was minor. But my Mom understood how it made me feel and at the time it presented a bit of a hardship, but she saw that I got braces. I recently told her this, when she was here at Easter--how much I apprecaited it, and it was a wonderful moment.

cheers--Sharon

Sharon, I do aspire to be that mother! The one who can run up a costume for the kid''s fancy dress party or school show, the one who can decorate the room so it''s just exactly what she wanted, the creative one who turns out effortlessly lovely things. I don''t think I can pull it off but I''ll have a go! I live in fear of the day A comes home and says "I''m going to be an angel in the school show, can you make me wings by tomorrow..."

I have squint teeth, so I recognise the importance of the braces story. My mother is in thrall to any professional - our dentist was a butcher when I was a kid and she gave him a free reign. Eeeek. I will be on A''s side, I will be the one who makes sure she gets the braces, but more to the point, I hope I''ll be the one who does listen and hear her when she explains why it matters (braces or whatever else it may be for her).

Your mom sounds amazing - thank you for sharing.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/5/2010 9:42:01 PM
Author: gardengloves
My mom has dementia, a former great beauty, fashion model, struggling to remember her past- the daughter of my wonderful grandmother.

My grandmother used to always say, if you don''t have anything nice to say about some one, don''t say anything at all. Words to live by, she was a great lady, never gossiped or spoke ill of others.

She used to say, you attract more flies with honey than vinegar, watch your temper and heed your words. As I grow older I appreciate her wisdom more every day. She was well loved and a figure of comfort for everyone who entered her world, a great beacon of light, so many rallied to her and she kept all confidences and lived by these simple creeds. she was well loved and a source of joy to many.

Would that I could be half the true lady she was, it gives my mom happiness when I tell her stories of my grandmother, her mother.

Watch your temper and words is something I should print off and pin to the wall in every room. Thank you for that reminder, because I do let my temper take over sometimes and it isn''t ever going to be a good thing. Your mom had a wise mother.

I''m sorry to hear of your mom''s illness. That must be so hard for you. It speaks volumes for the mothers in your family that your mom is comforted by hearing stories about your grandmother. Thank you for posting this, and it made me a little teary.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 2:52:15 AM
Author: loriken214

Date: 5/5/2010 2:51:04 PM
Author: TravelingGal
MrsM, I have a lot of confidence that you are going to be a mother that Amelia has great fondness and love for!

Here are some other more tangible things that my mom did that made me think she was a great mom.

- She was not a hypocrite. I know no one is perfect, but my mom said what she meant and meant what she said. She led by example. My father WAS a hypocrite, so I knew the difference really well.

- When I was younger, it was her rules, her house. When I got older, she did take the time to listen. Most often, the consequences stayed, but she was fine to explain to me her reasons, as well as as listen to my reasoning as to why I wanted to do what I wanted to do.

- She had expectations of me. I liked that I knew what she expected and that I had goals to achieve. School, chores, etc.

- She had a sense of humor, even through the tough times. I must get mine from her.

- She NEVER played favorites between me and my brother. When one when picked on the other, and the other tattled, we both got it from her. I know I''m her favorite NOW (

) but as a kid, there was no way I could tell if she even had one.

- She was outwardly affectionate. Lots of hugs and kisses. Fairly rare for a Korean mother of her generation.

- There was never a moment in my life where I doubted that I came first. She gave me the best bites, the last of anything left, always ate the core of the mango because she said she preferred it, and the bones of the meat. I''ll never forgot when I was 11 I was at my BFF''s house and my BFF got in trouble because she drank her mom''s pepsi. She raged, ''Tracy, that was my pepsi!'' At 11 years old, I was SHOCKED to hear this. My mother would have been upset at such a thing...the concept was difficult for me to grasp. It was one of the earliest times I remembered being so happy to have MY mother.

TGal,

I''m borrowing your comments because I''m too choked up to write my own right now. My mom was very much like your mom. She was fiercely protective of me and my brother and loved us with every fiber of her being. We knew where we stood with mom and she was there for us, no matter what.

We lost our mom on October 4, 2007 and I miss her terribly. My heart is broken.

PLEASE hug your children and tell them you love them...and mean it. Kids know the difference. Actions and words make a big impression that will be remembered. Communication is key....ask about your child''s day and be interested in what they have to share with you. Be excited to see them when they come home each day.

DH and I do not have children, but I can imagine how it might be if we did. My mom would be our example.

Lori

Lori, I''m so sorry for your loss. I see from your post how much pain it has caused you and I am truly sory. I can only say how lucky you are to have had that example and to have been her daughter. My heart aches for you. I do hug my girl every day (multiple times) and I do tell her she is loved. I hope I will always do that throughout any difficult times, because I guess that''s when it matters most. Thank you for your post and for your advice, because it''s so true.

Hugs.x

 

[Lorelei]

What matters most to a child, just a few of my thoughts from when I was a child!!....

I think unconditional love.

Knowing that yes a parent might get angry or upset but know they will still love you regardless, that a parent has the ability to discipline with love, and for the child to never have to doubt that love even when a parent has to discipline. Although it can hard, try to keep a temper under control, it can be frightening.

Knowing that if a parent might not support your decision ( within reason of course) that they will stand by you come what may.

That a parent doesn't try to live their life through their offspring, thats a rotten burden to place on any child by making them purely responsible for your happiness or success. Avoid guilt trips and passive aggressive behaviour. Encourage your child to become independent, live their own life and become their own person.

Be a safe place for your child to come to with all their concerns big and small and know that they can always receive love and support, constructive criticism where appropriate of course but be your child's loving champion and biggest fan. Always take time to listen.

 

[Lynnie]

My mom is fabulous because...

She sacrificed A LOT for our education. We had to go to Catholic school, because Philly public schools are awful. I remember her yelling "Don''t answer the phone!!!" ''cause she had been late on a bill, and the collectors were calling. But she always had the tuition paid.

She has the best laugh EVER. So contageous!! One time, she and I were in the kitchen, and I said out loud, "I need a fork". So she goes to open the silverware drawer, and it gets stuck. So she yanks a couple times, and it finally jerks open, and a fork flies out, spinning high in the air. She caught it, and proceeded to laugh hysterically. I laughed right along with her. I''ve probably got a hundred stories like that.

She''s a nervous nellie, and knows it. If something goes awry, she''ll flip out for a minute... then laugh about it. She''s an animal lover. When we were young, we had a hamster. One day, Hammie wasn''t in his cage. Mom told us he must have escaped and gotten into the walls. Years later, we found out Hammie had died, and mom was just too afraid to break our hearts.

She''d give her last dime if it meant our happiness. We can talk about anything, really... but I''m more of a private person, so we don''t venture into sex/relationship talk much. She''s one of my favorite people. She''s saved EVERYTHING from our childhood, and remembers who/what/where/when each thing is from...

She sent me a bouquet of flowers for nurse''s day yesterday. The card reads "I am so proud to have brought up a daughter like you. Happy nurse''s day!". She''s the best...

 

[lilyfoot]

Mrs Mitchell, I too, want to thank you for starting this thread.

I feel the relationship between my mother and myself is much like the one you described (just doing it for the principal of the mother-daughter roles, not because of true enjoyment of her company, etc.), and it is something I''m absolutely terrified to copy when I have children.

 

[jas]

Date: 5/6/2010 5:30:46 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/5/2010 5:09:01 PM
Author: jas

Date: 5/5/2010 4:57:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

I''m w/ you, FC.

Mrs. M. the fork thing...I''m so sorry.

Thanks for your sympathy jas. It''s one of these things - it happened, I need to put stuff like that in the past. I''m 35, time to mend fences (even if I didn''t break them...).

If you want to post your thoughts on the topic, I''d be very interested to read them. As I said to FC, if it''s difficult, I''d totally understand. Such an emotional topic for so many of us, good or bad (or a bit of both).

Thanks, Mrs. M. I''m kinda chewing on whether to post it because it''s painful and kinda a downer and y''all don''t necessarily need me to vent here, but on the other hand, it''s good for folks like me (and you?) who want some stuff not to do.

I''ll try to keep it under a gazillion words and try not to sound like a b****.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 9:56:17 AM
Author: jas

Date: 5/6/2010 5:30:46 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/5/2010 5:09:01 PM
Author: jas

Date: 5/5/2010 4:57:13 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Mrs M. I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread, even though I sit here crying as I read through people''s responses.

I''ll try to man up and write my own response when I feel more composed.

I''m w/ you, FC.

Mrs. M. the fork thing...I''m so sorry.

Thanks for your sympathy jas. It''s one of these things - it happened, I need to put stuff like that in the past. I''m 35, time to mend fences (even if I didn''t break them...).

If you want to post your thoughts on the topic, I''d be very interested to read them. As I said to FC, if it''s difficult, I''d totally understand. Such an emotional topic for so many of us, good or bad (or a bit of both).

Thanks, Mrs. M. I''m kinda chewing on whether to post it because it''s painful and kinda a downer and y''all don''t necessarily need me to vent here, but on the other hand, it''s good for folks like me (and you?) who want some stuff not to do.

I''ll try to keep it under a gazillion words and try not to sound like a b****.

Post if you want to, vent if it helps. I have done a fair bit of venting (oh, and some rambling) on this thread, so the bar is set nice and low for ya!

Or leave it, if that feels better. I''m not trying to stir up painful memories for anyone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

MrsM, I am very lucky yo have such a wonderful family (siblings included). Don''t get me wrong we ALL have our flaws. My dad was a workaholic when I was growing up so he missed out on a lot of my childhood. But I know my parents always love me and did the best they could. Unconditional love is the best gift we can give our child. I know you and your DH already give little Miss A that. She is a very lucky girl.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 9:29:53 AM
Author: lilyfoot
Mrs Mitchell, I too, want to thank you for starting this thread.

I feel the relationship between my mother and myself is much like the one you described (just doing it for the principal of the mother-daughter roles, not because of true enjoyment of her company, etc.), and it is something I''m absolutely terrified to copy when I have children.

I''m sorry, lilyfoot. It''s just so painful sometimes, and hearing other people''s wonderful memories of their mothers and childhoods is rather bittersweet. I have found this thread really helpful for my own parenting, but it''s also starting to make me think I could work on fixing some of my own relationship issues with my mother. I don''t know if that is something that you would want to do, but if it is, I''d be right behind you. We could try, right?

I made a small start today - I initiated a conversation via text with my mother. She likes to text and it''s a start. We chatted about the UK elections. Small steps. Politics was never a topic she and I could talk about because our views are different (ie mine are wrong haha). Anyway, we did it and we didn''t fall out, so that''s a start.

As for copying the relationship with your children, that is one of my biggest fears and the main reason I started this thread. I expect I will make some of the same mistakes but at least I have some perspective here and a little more confidence that there are real changes I can make to stop the pattern from repeating. We can''t change who we are or re-write our personal histories, but we can seek awareness of our situations and behaviour and try our best to modify how we act accordingly. When you are ready to start a family, there''s a lot of wisdom on PS to tap into. The fact you''re aware of the issues and want things to be different can only help. I''m hoping that will be my saving grace too - I don''t want to repeat the pattern.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 8:43:38 AM
Author: Lynnie
My mom is fabulous because...

She sacrificed A LOT for our education. We had to go to Catholic school, because Philly public schools are awful. I remember her yelling ''Don''t answer the phone!!!'' ''cause she had been late on a bill, and the collectors were calling. But she always had the tuition paid.

She has the best laugh EVER. So contageous!! One time, she and I were in the kitchen, and I said out loud, ''I need a fork''. So she goes to open the silverware drawer, and it gets stuck. So she yanks a couple times, and it finally jerks open, and a fork flies out, spinning high in the air. She caught it, and proceeded to laugh hysterically. I laughed right along with her. I''ve probably got a hundred stories like that.

She''s a nervous nellie, and knows it. If something goes awry, she''ll flip out for a minute... then laugh about it. She''s an animal lover. When we were young, we had a hamster. One day, Hammie wasn''t in his cage. Mom told us he must have escaped and gotten into the walls. Years later, we found out Hammie had died, and mom was just too afraid to break our hearts.

She''d give her last dime if it meant our happiness. We can talk about anything, really... but I''m more of a private person, so we don''t venture into sex/relationship talk much. She''s one of my favorite people. She''s saved EVERYTHING from our childhood, and remembers who/what/where/when each thing is from...

She sent me a bouquet of flowers for nurse''s day yesterday. The card reads ''I am so proud to have brought up a daughter like you. Happy nurse''s day!''. She''s the best...

What a touching and thoughful gift from your mother. I would be so happy to receive a bouquet with a message like that.

Poor Hammie! Your mother sounds like a lot of fun, though. If you''re looking back on your childhood and remembering laughter, that''s got to be good!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Tacori, no one in our family suffers from workaholism, that''s for sure. Both my parents worked, but neither were all that interested in careers, it was a work to live situation. DH has more flexibility than I do, so I don''t have to worry about him missing out on A growing up. I''m grateful for that.

Your post made me think we should have the companion thread to this one- what makes your father fabulous?

 

[princesss]

Okay, I was thinking last night about this and I''d like to add to my earlier post (especially because I know there were very few tangible, do-able things in it).

- My mom really listened to me. She let me know it was okay to be hurt about things, and that it was okay to cry. When I sobbed over being dumped by a guy she didn''t like at all, she still listened and hugged me and was there with me when I needed her.

- When she found out something hurt me (and I don''t just mean upset, I mean really hurt), she stopped. We''re all human, and my mom has made mistakes and has said a few things that really hurt me. But the instant I was able to say "That hurt," instead of reacting and getting angry, she stopped and never said it again. Ever. That meant a lot to me - it showed me that she wasn''t intentionally hurting me, and that she cared about making me feel loved.

- She wasn''t afraid to be silly and have fun with me. She went to the water park with me, and rode rollercoasters, and posed with Mickey Mouse, and would sing along with the songs on the radio.

- She came to my soccer games and choir performances and cheered me on and told me I did wonderfully. She put my math tests on the fridge and made a big fuss over the art projects I did at school.

- She had rules. Did I like them? No. Would I have loved having parents that didn''t care what I was doing or where I was at night? As a teenager, probably. But she had rules and I had to follow them and she made sure I knew the rules were the rules because they were best for me, whether I liked them or not.

- We ate dinner as a family. I knew every day I had a chance to see my parents and talk to them and feel like a family.

- She made dinners that she knew I loved. It''s not the healthiest, but sometimes I just wanted mac and cheese or hot dogs, and sometimes that''s what we had. It wasn''t all the time, but she knew what all three of us loved to eat, and made sure those foods made it through the dinner rotation.

Growing up, she was my mom first and my friend second - now I''d say it''s about equal.

I hope this helps - I know some of it seems silly, but small, silly stuff makes a difference. FWIW, I have faith that you''ll be able to break the cycle and have a very strong relationship with A.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Princess, thank you so much for taking the time to post this. It might be small stuff, but if it made for a happy and secure childhood, it is never silly. I really appreciate you telling me these things, they are important. Thank you.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Mrs. M, I think you''re going to have a wonderful relationship with your daughter. Just the fact that you care enough to start this thread tells me that.

OK, I''ll try my best to tell you about my Mom, but I doubt that I''ll be able to do her justice.

I have been very, very blessed to have a wonderful, amazing, fantastic mother. She has been my best friend for the past 32 years . . . even (maybe especially?) when I thought she was my worst enemy! LOL!

My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was three years old. After the divorce, I saw my Dad very regularly, but I was with my Mom about 90% of the time. A few years after she and my Dad divorced, my Mom remarried. Her second husband was a horrible person. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to both my Mom and myself. I hated growing up in that house, and my Mom was the only reason it was even remotely bearable. She didn''t agree with the things he said and did, but she felt forced into the role of "peacekeeper" and tried to smooth things over as best she could. At the time, I saw this as her "taking his side." I now realize that she was actually trying to make the best of a very, very bad situation. She was trying to keep things from getting any worse, both for her sake and for mine.

I continued to live there until I was 20 years old. I would have moved out long before I did, but I was going to college and needed to save as much money as possible. When I finally did move out, I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. I had quite a few misgivings about moving in with him, but felt that anything would be better than continuing to live in that house. My Mom realized that I wasn''t really ready to take the huge step of moving in with the BF, but she knew exactly why I went ahead with it anyway. For her, that was the straw that broke the camel''s back. She knew that his behavior had basically pushed me out the door, and she just couldn''t stand living with him anymore. She left him about two weeks after I moved out. When she left him, she wrote him a long letter explaining all the reasons why she was ending their marriage. A good bit of what she wrote had to do with me, and how he had treated me over the 13 years that they were married. That was 12 years ago. She gave me a copy of that letter, and I still have it to this day. You have no idea how wonderful it felt to read what she wrote. I finally saw, in black and white, that she was on MY side and had been all along!

Well, the BF I moved in with soon became my fiance, and then my husband. That relationship was abusive basically from day one, and the abuse continued to worsen the longer we were together. To make a very long story short, I was with him for a total of six years. Three years after we got married, I moved out of the house. I hadn''t made any kind of plan to leave . . . I just didn''t go home one night. I went to my Mom''s. She has always been there for me, and this was no exception. I had been out with friends that night, and I just couldn''t bring myself to go home. So I showed up on her doorstep at about 3:00 a.m. By this time, she had remarried (to my Stepdad, who is a wonderful guy!), so I felt really bad about just showing up at their house like that. But, honestly, she had been hoping and praying for the day when I would finally leave XH, so I think she was thrilled to see me! LOL! I lived with her and my Stepdad for about six months, until DH and I were able to buy the house we live in now. When DH and I got married, she was my matron of honor . . . or "mother of honor" as she called it! LOL!

One of the things that sticks in my mind the most about her is this: My Mom is the kindest, sweetest lady you could ever ask for. She goes out of her way to be polite to everyone, all the time. She is very charismatic and hysterically funny, and most people love her from the second they meet her. But, the first time she met my DH, it was the aforementioned night when I showed up on her doorstep at 3:00 a.m. because I was leaving my XH. Well, upon meeting DH (who was dropping me off at her house), she grabbed him by the front of his shirt and said "I can see that you have very strong feelings for my daughter, but you need to know this about me: If you hurt her, I will hunt you down and kill you." Keep in mind, DH has about nine inches and 50 pounds on my Mom, but he said "Yes, ma''am, I understand." They''ve been buddies ever since!

Sorry this turned into such a novel! The thing is, this just barely scratches the surface. I could type hundreds of posts this long, and I still wouldn''t have told you all the things that make my Mom so fabulous.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/6/2010 10:52:55 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/6/2010 9:29:53 AM
Author: lilyfoot
Mrs Mitchell, I too, want to thank you for starting this thread.

I feel the relationship between my mother and myself is much like the one you described (just doing it for the principal of the mother-daughter roles, not because of true enjoyment of her company, etc.), and it is something I'm absolutely terrified to copy when I have children.

I'm sorry, lilyfoot. It's just so painful sometimes, and hearing other people's wonderful memories of their mothers and childhoods is rather bittersweet. I have found this thread really helpful for my own parenting, but it's also starting to make me think I could work on fixing some of my own relationship issues with my mother. I don't know if that is something that you would want to do, but if it is, I'd be right behind you. We could try, right?

I made a small start today - I initiated a conversation via text with my mother. She likes to text and it's a start. We chatted about the UK elections. Small steps. Politics was never a topic she and I could talk about because our views are different (ie mine are wrong haha). Anyway, we did it and we didn't fall out, so that's a start.

As for copying the relationship with your children, that is one of my biggest fears and the main reason I started this thread. I expect I will make some of the same mistakes but at least I have some perspective here and a little more confidence that there are real changes I can make to stop the pattern from repeating. We can't change who we are or re-write our personal histories, but we can seek awareness of our situations and behaviour and try our best to modify how we act accordingly. When you are ready to start a family, there's a lot of wisdom on PS to tap into. The fact you're aware of the issues and want things to be different can only help. I'm hoping that will be my saving grace too - I don't want to repeat the pattern.

I have, and do still try, to form a better relationship with my mom, but honestly, I think it's impossible to get past the "surface" stuff. My sister feels the same way actually, that it's easier to just stay cordial, make small talk when necessary, etc. I think my mom has the same type of relationship with her mother, just cordial small talk, etc.

I am so blessed to have what must literally be THE best mother-in-law EVER. She has true unconditional love for all her children, and she has treated me like one of her own practically from the start.

There's so much I could type on this subject, but I don't even know what to say, if that makes sense. I'm just so glad that I'm aware of the attributes I don't want to copy from my mother now, before we have children. I have modified my behavior very very greatly from how I used to be in the past (acted like my mother .. i.e. in relationships, etc), so I'm quite confident I can do the same when I become a parent! Especially with a great example like my MIL.

 

[jas]

Since finding out I was pregnant Jan. 08, I've spent a lot of time mulling about how to not repeat certain mistakes made...

Ultimately, I don't want my kids battling my demons with or for me. That has been my life.

I don't ever want to let my anger control me, or take out anger on my kids. She would get sarcastic and passive-aggressive. She'd go on for hours, raging, mocking us, but never dealing with us. She'd never re-engage, and certainly I don't remember ever getting an apology. At some point she'd just settle down and act like it never happened. My mom had a lot of tough times at work, and she has perfectionist tendencies that make her hard on herself. I know that. I also know that she was on diet pills for years...that I am sure contributed to a lot of her emotionality. (It also contributes to my terrible body image...I have an unholy relationship with food.) I have memories of her angry face screwed up in mine after she'd yelled at me and me crying. She yelled, "Don't ever forget I am and always will be YOUR BEST FRIEND." That messed me up for awhile.
I want to teach my kids that family is important. There is a terrible rift among my sibs -- we'd be so upset if someone upset Mom. I am ashamed to say we'd often use situations when Mom was upset with a brother or sister to get in on her good side. This started young. She never fostered good relationships among the kids.

I want to be consistent in my actions and deeds, while still being socially appropriate. In public, she was the perfect mom. She attended our functions, she hosted parties, she was there. I didn't resent it at the time...I was just proud of her. She was beautiful and charming. She was attentive and loving. She and my dad were super involved in many organizations and causes. They look like Mother and Father Teresa. Many times if they had to choose between their organizations or family time, organizations won out. People to this day rave to me about my mom.

I don't expect my kids to fight my battles for me or choose sides, particularly in family issues. She had a lot of problems with her inlaws and expected us to hate our grandmother and our aunt and cousins. Still does. She trashed my dad mildly to us all the time. Once or twice it was harsh. My sister hates my father to this day, but cannot articulate why.

I will not teach my children how to analyze every interaction for perceived injustices. I will teach them that friendships are not burdens. We were taught us never to take anything at face value, that every word, every moment, every action should be analyzed. It's exhausting.

I will teach my children to be honest and that white lies should be used sparingly, if at all. I was taught people couldn't handle it if you were honest with them about wanting to do things or say things or not hang out, or whatever. So instead of saying, "No, I can't do that" (or even "No I can't do that because of this reason.") I was taught to give ridiculous stories to cover my ass about things. Naturally, my mother assumed we lied all the time. Naturally, I learned how to lie. Now she lies to me a lot.

I will always be a separate and distinct person from my children. They came through me, not from me. There were and are serious enmeshment issues with my mother. Things got ok when I moved 1000 miles away (and my memories mellowed and the relationship was much healthier). She was much more of a champion and cheerleader. I felt she was proud of me. Four years ago, my parents moved out to where I am. She has involved herself in my life and lied about it. She had met my old, wonderful boss a few years back. She contacted him and worked for him at his new job for a long time. She started hanging out with him. He called me and said, "It's like you and your mom are interchangeable," which was about the worst thing someone can say to me. He meant it as a compliment.

She has contacted quite a few of my firends, mostly the ones who are a little older than I and a little younger than she. She's struck up friendships with them.

I will try to honor reasonable requests from my children. My mom has befriended my MIL because my MIL reminds my mom of her mom (my grandmother). I have spoken with my mom, trying to explain that I feel we need stronger boundaries, that I encourage her to find and foster her own relationships and that, really, if she could back off from my MIL a little so I could develop a relationship with her, I'd appreciate it. (I'm trying to navagate inlaw waters and constantly being compared to my mom is tricky on top of all that.) My mother told me she would. She didn't. She sees my MIL regularly and lies about it. I guess she doesn't think MIL tells me these things. The few times I've asked, my mother claims she doesn't know how to get out of invitations or that she does this to "protect me" -- my dad goes one further and says, "We're allowed to be friends with whoever we want." Which is true of course, but I think if my kids asked me to pull back on something (not drop it, pull back) I'd do it in a heartbeat.

We so achingly wanted and want her love. That's what I learned, that kids will do what they need to do to get love and approval. For me, for awhile, it was being like her and living in her shadow. I had to get past that, then get past the anger at that (still working on that sometimes).

Mother's Day is not a good day for me, and this year it's already turned into a giant clusterfrick. But that doesn't mean I am my mother. I think the very examination of it all helps.

I hope this isn't too annoying/weird/sad and that you all know how awesome your moms are. Mine is at least an awesome grandma (truly!) and I am so happy for that.

 

[puffy]

i was very lucky as a child, my mom was always there for us (my brother and me). she worked hard to give us everything that we wanted. yes we were both spoiled little brats. we knew she loved us, she didn''t have to say it all the time. it was in things that she did. when she packed my lunch, she would leave little notes in them or draw flowers or hearts on the bag. she always bought our favorite snacks. she took us everywhere we wanted to go. when i turned 10, i woke up and told her i wanted to go to disneyland, and 2 hours later we were packed and in the car for a road trip (i should mention my birthday usually falls on easter break so there was no school). we always joke around and i can talk to her about anything. she really is an amazing mom and person. and she helps with my kids now and they love her dearly and my 2 year looks forward to going over to see her.

i always loved my mom but probably didn''t appreciate her the way she deserved. when i became a mom, it hit me that she sacrificed so much for us and did everything she did for US. so yes it took me 26 years but i finally had a sincere appreciation for everything that she did for us.

i know that i probably wouldn''t be able to put up with half of the stuff she did. and i hope that i will be able to follow in her footsteps and be a mom that my kids will look up to.

mrsM, you are a great mom!!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 12:13:29 PM
Author: Irishgrrrl
Mrs. M, I think you''re going to have a wonderful relationship with your daughter. Just the fact that you care enough to start this thread tells me that.

OK, I''ll try my best to tell you about my Mom, but I doubt that I''ll be able to do her justice.

I have been very, very blessed to have a wonderful, amazing, fantastic mother. She has been my best friend for the past 32 years . . . even (maybe especially?) when I thought she was my worst enemy! LOL!

My Mom and Dad got divorced when I was three years old. After the divorce, I saw my Dad very regularly, but I was with my Mom about 90% of the time. A few years after she and my Dad divorced, my Mom remarried. Her second husband was a horrible person. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to both my Mom and myself. I hated growing up in that house, and my Mom was the only reason it was even remotely bearable. She didn''t agree with the things he said and did, but she felt forced into the role of ''peacekeeper'' and tried to smooth things over as best she could. At the time, I saw this as her ''taking his side.'' I now realize that she was actually trying to make the best of a very, very bad situation. She was trying to keep things from getting any worse, both for her sake and for mine.

I continued to live there until I was 20 years old. I would have moved out long before I did, but I was going to college and needed to save as much money as possible. When I finally did move out, I moved in with my boyfriend at the time. I had quite a few misgivings about moving in with him, but felt that anything would be better than continuing to live in that house. My Mom realized that I wasn''t really ready to take the huge step of moving in with the BF, but she knew exactly why I went ahead with it anyway. For her, that was the straw that broke the camel''s back. She knew that his behavior had basically pushed me out the door, and she just couldn''t stand living with him anymore. She left him about two weeks after I moved out. When she left him, she wrote him a long letter explaining all the reasons why she was ending their marriage. A good bit of what she wrote had to do with me, and how he had treated me over the 13 years that they were married. That was 12 years ago. She gave me a copy of that letter, and I still have it to this day. You have no idea how wonderful it felt to read what she wrote. I finally saw, in black and white, that she was on MY side and had been all along!

Well, the BF I moved in with soon became my fiance, and then my husband. That relationship was abusive basically from day one, and the abuse continued to worsen the longer we were together. To make a very long story short, I was with him for a total of six years. Three years after we got married, I moved out of the house. I hadn''t made any kind of plan to leave . . . I just didn''t go home one night. I went to my Mom''s. She has always been there for me, and this was no exception. I had been out with friends that night, and I just couldn''t bring myself to go home. So I showed up on her doorstep at about 3:00 a.m. By this time, she had remarried (to my Stepdad, who is a wonderful guy!), so I felt really bad about just showing up at their house like that. But, honestly, she had been hoping and praying for the day when I would finally leave XH, so I think she was thrilled to see me! LOL! I lived with her and my Stepdad for about six months, until DH and I were able to buy the house we live in now. When DH and I got married, she was my matron of honor . . . or ''mother of honor'' as she called it! LOL!

One of the things that sticks in my mind the most about her is this: My Mom is the kindest, sweetest lady you could ever ask for. She goes out of her way to be polite to everyone, all the time. She is very charismatic and hysterically funny, and most people love her from the second they meet her. But, the first time she met my DH, it was the aforementioned night when I showed up on her doorstep at 3:00 a.m. because I was leaving my XH. Well, upon meeting DH (who was dropping me off at her house), she grabbed him by the front of his shirt and said ''I can see that you have very strong feelings for my daughter, but you need to know this about me: If you hurt her, I will hunt you down and kill you.'' Keep in mind, DH has about nine inches and 50 pounds on my Mom, but he said ''Yes, ma''am, I understand.'' They''ve been buddies ever since!

Sorry this turned into such a novel! The thing is, this just barely scratches the surface. I could type hundreds of posts this long, and I still wouldn''t have told you all the things that make my Mom so fabulous.

Thank you for writing the novel, it was worth reading. The bond that you share with your mom is obviously very strong and I love how she stepped up for you when you were going through such a hard time. If I left my husband, my mother would send my back. I love that she was there for you and made a horrible situation easier not harder. You''re lucky, she really does sound fabulous.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 12:40:08 PM
Author: lilyfoot

Date: 5/6/2010 10:52:55 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell

Date: 5/6/2010 9:29:53 AM
Author: lilyfoot
Mrs Mitchell, I too, want to thank you for starting this thread.

I feel the relationship between my mother and myself is much like the one you described (just doing it for the principal of the mother-daughter roles, not because of true enjoyment of her company, etc.), and it is something I''m absolutely terrified to copy when I have children.

I''m sorry, lilyfoot. It''s just so painful sometimes, and hearing other people''s wonderful memories of their mothers and childhoods is rather bittersweet. I have found this thread really helpful for my own parenting, but it''s also starting to make me think I could work on fixing some of my own relationship issues with my mother. I don''t know if that is something that you would want to do, but if it is, I''d be right behind you. We could try, right?

I made a small start today - I initiated a conversation via text with my mother. She likes to text and it''s a start. We chatted about the UK elections. Small steps. Politics was never a topic she and I could talk about because our views are different (ie mine are wrong haha). Anyway, we did it and we didn''t fall out, so that''s a start.

As for copying the relationship with your children, that is one of my biggest fears and the main reason I started this thread. I expect I will make some of the same mistakes but at least I have some perspective here and a little more confidence that there are real changes I can make to stop the pattern from repeating. We can''t change who we are or re-write our personal histories, but we can seek awareness of our situations and behaviour and try our best to modify how we act accordingly. When you are ready to start a family, there''s a lot of wisdom on PS to tap into. The fact you''re aware of the issues and want things to be different can only help. I''m hoping that will be my saving grace too - I don''t want to repeat the pattern.

I have, and do still try, to form a better relationship with my mom, but honestly, I think it''s impossible to get past the ''surface'' stuff. My sister feels the same way actually, that it''s easier to just stay cordial, make small talk when necessary, etc. I think my mom has the same type of relationship with her mother, just cordial small talk, etc.

I am so blessed to have what must literally be THE best mother-in-law EVER. She has true unconditional love for all her children, and she has treated me like one of her own practically from the start.

There''s so much I could type on this subject, but I don''t even know what to say, if that makes sense. I''m just so glad that I''m aware of the attributes I don''t want to copy from my mother now, before we have children. I have modified my behavior very very greatly from how I used to be in the past (acted like my mother .. i.e. in relationships, etc), so I''m quite confident I can do the same when I become a parent! Especially with a great example like my MIL.

Yeah, I hear you. It sounds like a great idea to try to change the pattern, but if it was possible then I suppose we would have done it by now. Like you, I will continue to try but accept that this might just be it.

Good to hear that you have a parent role model in your MIL. I had an awesome MIL too, but sadly she passed away before A was born. Your MIL sounds fabulous.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 3:59:10 PM
Author: jas

Since finding out I was pregnant Jan. 08, I''ve spent a lot of time mulling about how to not repeat certain mistakes made...

Ultimately, I don''t want my kids battling my demons with or for me. That has been my life.

I don''t ever want to let my anger control me, or take out anger on my kids. She would get sarcastic and passive-aggressive. She''d go on for hours, raging, mocking us, but never dealing with us. She''d never re-engage, and certainly I don''t remember ever getting an apology. At some point she''d just settle down and act like it never happened. My mom had a lot of tough times at work, and she has perfectionist tendencies that make her hard on herself. I know that. I also know that she was on diet pills for years...that I am sure contributed to a lot of her emotionality. (It also contributes to my terrible body image...I have an unholy relationship with food.) I have memories of her angry face screwed up in mine after she''d yelled at me and me crying. She yelled, ''Don''t ever forget I am and always will be YOUR BEST FRIEND.'' That messed me up for awhile.

I want to teach my kids that family is important. There is a terrible rift among my sibs -- we''d be so upset if someone upset Mom. I am ashamed to say we''d often use situations when Mom was upset with a brother or sister to get in on her good side. This started young. She never fostered good relationships among the kids.

I want to be consistent in my actions and deeds, while still being socially appropriate. In public, she was the perfect mom. She attended our functions, she hosted parties, she was there. I didn''t resent it at the time...I was just proud of her. She was beautiful and charming. She was attentive and loving. She and my dad were super involved in many organizations and causes. They look like Mother and Father Teresa. Many times if they had to choose between their organizations or family time, organizations won out. People to this day rave to me about my mom.

I don''t expect my kids to fight my battles for me or choose sides, particularly in family issues. She had a lot of problems with her inlaws and expected us to hate our grandmother and our aunt and cousins. Still does. She trashed my dad mildly to us all the time. Once or twice it was harsh. My sister hates my father to this day, but cannot articulate why.

I will not teach my children how to analyze every interaction for perceived injustices. I will teach them that friendships are not burdens. We were taught us never to take anything at face value, that every word, every moment, every action should be analyzed. It''s exhausting.

I will teach my children to be honest and that white lies should be used sparingly, if at all. I was taught people couldn''t handle it if you were honest with them about wanting to do things or say things or not hang out, or whatever. So instead of saying, ''No, I can''t do that'' (or even ''No I can''t do that because of this reason.'') I was taught to give ridiculous stories to cover my ass about things. Naturally, my mother assumed we lied all the time. Naturally, I learned how to lie. Now she lies to me a lot.

I will always be a separate and distinct person from my children. They came through me, not from me. There were and are serious enmeshment issues with my mother. Things got ok when I moved 1000 miles away (and my memories mellowed and the relationship was much healthier). She was much more of a champion and cheerleader. I felt she was proud of me. Four years ago, my parents moved out to where I am. She has involved herself in my life and lied about it. She had met my old, wonderful boss a few years back. She contacted him and worked for him at his new job for a long time. She started hanging out with him. He called me and said, ''It''s like you and your mom are interchangeable,'' which was about the worst thing someone can say to me. He meant it as a compliment.

She has contacted quite a few of my firends, mostly the ones who are a little older than I and a little younger than she. She''s struck up friendships with them.

I will try to honor reasonable requests from my children. My mom has befriended my MIL because my MIL reminds my mom of her mom (my grandmother). I have spoken with my mom, trying to explain that I feel we need stronger boundaries, that I encourage her to find and foster her own relationships and that, really, if she could back off from my MIL a little so I could develop a relationship with her, I''d appreciate it. (I''m trying to navagate inlaw waters and constantly being compared to my mom is tricky on top of all that.) My mother told me she would. She didn''t. She sees my MIL regularly and lies about it. I guess she doesn''t think MIL tells me these things. The few times I''ve asked, my mother claims she doesn''t know how to get out of invitations or that she does this to ''protect me'' -- my dad goes one further and says, ''We''re allowed to be friends with whoever we want.'' Which is true of course, but I think if my kids asked me to pull back on something (not drop it, pull back) I''d do it in a heartbeat.

We so achingly wanted and want her love. That''s what I learned, that kids will do what they need to do to get love and approval. For me, for awhile, it was being like her and living in her shadow. I had to get past that, then get past the anger at that (still working on that sometimes).

Mother''s Day is not a good day for me, and this year it''s already turned into a giant clusterfrick. But that doesn''t mean I am my mother. I think the very examination of it all helps.

I hope this isn''t too annoying/weird/sad and that you all know how awesome your moms are. Mine is at least an awesome grandma (truly!) and I am so happy for that.

Oh jas. I knew from your earlier posts that this was going to be tough to write (and to read) and it certainly lived up to expectations. There''s something very familiar to me about the public v the private face of our parents, my mother was a very different one when other people were looking too. At least I don''t have dishonesty to deal with too, that must have been bewildering sometimes.

I feel for you, and I get a sense that you''re a survivor who won''t repeat the same mistakes. What else can we do? Get throught it and don''t do it again...

I''m interested that your mom is an awesome grandma. Mine does her best to be just that. She loves A to bits, but she is not relaxed with her at all and A is never comfortable with her fussing (don''t touch that, don''t eat that, don''t put your fingers in your mouth, let me wipe your face, let me roll your sleeves up...) and after about an hour at her house, A gets up, takes her coat off the peg, picks up my car keys and stands at the door. My father on the other hand has formed more of a bond with A and is infinately patient with her. I was surprised by that.

Hugs to you, and thank your for posting. I recognise that it wasn''t easy for you, but it was very helpful.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 5/6/2010 4:24:12 PM
Author: puffy
i was very lucky as a child, my mom was always there for us (my brother and me). she worked hard to give us everything that we wanted. yes we were both spoiled little brats. we knew she loved us, she didn''t have to say it all the time. it was in things that she did. when she packed my lunch, she would leave little notes in them or draw flowers or hearts on the bag. she always bought our favorite snacks. she took us everywhere we wanted to go. when i turned 10, i woke up and told her i wanted to go to disneyland, and 2 hours later we were packed and in the car for a road trip (i should mention my birthday usually falls on easter break so there was no school). we always joke around and i can talk to her about anything. she really is an amazing mom and person. and she helps with my kids now and they love her dearly and my 2 year looks forward to going over to see her.

i always loved my mom but probably didn''t appreciate her the way she deserved. when i became a mom, it hit me that she sacrificed so much for us and did everything she did for US. so yes it took me 26 years but i finally had a sincere appreciation for everything that she did for us.

i know that i probably wouldn''t be able to put up with half of the stuff she did. and i hope that i will be able to follow in her footsteps and be a mom that my kids will look up to.

mrsM, you are a great mom!!

Thank you Puffy. I hope I am, and I have some amazing support and suggestions on this thread to keep me on track.

I love the idea of putting little notes in packed lunches, that''s a nice way for kids to connect with mom during the day. I''m going to borrow that idea when A is older.

I wonder how many people with amazing mothers truly appreciate them until they are older, maybe with kids of their own. For me, having my own child made me less understanding of my relationship with my mother and quite angry too. I felt like how could you have treated your actual child that way, rather than ah, now I get it.

I''m pretty sure that your kids will be able to look back on a wonderful childhood, you are a fantastic mom. Oh, and I was showing this thread to DH last night and of all the amazing words of wisdom, good ideas and kind words here, he siezed on your post and yelled "yay, we should take Amelia to Disneyland."