What is this man trying to do to me?!?

[wakingdreams53]

Some of you know my saga, some of you don't, and I'm sure some don't care.
Nonetheless, we're all in the LIW boat.

So I underwent an enlightenment. A wonderful realization that nothings going to happen any time soon so there's absolutely no reason to develop a nervous twitch when I hear that my friends are getting engaged.
I'm having a promise ring made for myself in light of this enlightenment. Ultimately having my cake and eating it too, just not being engaged.
Fine, happy, wonderful, sublime, CONTENT!

Now he knows about the promise ring, he doesn't understand it, but he supports me. Today my diamond was shipped.

This was the conversation that ensued:
Him: So... are people going to look at the ring and think it's an engagement ring?
Me: Well, it's a small included stone and I'm not going to be wearing it with announcement.
Him: Oh... alright.
Me: I'm nonetheless wearing it on my left ring finger.
Him: But I wanted to give you a ring...
Me: *trying to stay calm* But I thought after this entire year of ring-drama, we tacitly agreed that nothing is happening any time soon. And this way, I can seem "taken" in France.
Him: But if I get you a ring, where will it go?
Me:

WHAT?!?!? I know he's not getting me a ring... but why is he dragging me back into the mania!!!
Really, men want women to be crazy... that way they have the upper hand.
(^ terrible statement, don't attack me.)

 

[kagordo4]

Him: But if I get you a ring, where will it go?

So respond with "Well when that day finally comes, I'll take this ring off and put the new one on."

Sometimes men just don't "get it." You know? It's like they just can't process what is going on. Honestly that's how I felt in Organic Chemistry... and anything to do with cars so I guess it's a fair trade.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Tell him he can think of it as a fingerwarmer

Honestly though, until he puts something there its none of his business what goes on your fingers.

I think its really very sweet that you want to look "taken" in Fance, it is a wonderful gesture to your boyfriend, he is very lucky.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Oy, yes... but come on! Talk about unexpected!
And of course! I'm going to France for 3.5 months, but that doesn't mean that for that duration of time I want to be "single." He's still the man of my dreams and the one I want to spend my life with. ♥

Perhaps he'll propose within the next 4 months (before I go to France), I'll certainly be surprised. Though I really hope he won't!

I'm a combination of and

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Yes, its infuritating lol. I had a similar thing happen but it was more along the lines of "Sweetheart, I am just not ready right now and it honestly could be up to a year away, and financially at least the begining of next year is better for ____ reason" to two weeks later (I had previously told him the be all end all cut and setting for "one day") he says "I emailed ____ about the stone, I think its going to be easier if I just get the whole ring now and hold onto it, I mean it is obviously going to be used one day" I gave him the same look ( & ) and he looked a bit shocked at himself for speaking without thinking and we have not discussed it since. But I am pretty sure its happened. I decided to take everything he says with a grain of salt and roll with the punches. Remember they want to throw us off too so that makes it even more difficult to reliably read into what they say.

Also: YAY FRANCE! Your going to have a wonderful time!

Yes of course obviously you dont want to be single while you're overthere but wearing a ring to show you are taken is huge, esp when he didnt buy it for you! He is a lucky guy!

I myself would probably have just told people I am taken if they tried anything. (Also in regards to a ring for that hand, honestly I would tell my BF if he likes it then he should put a ring on it lol).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1nixzYHDus

 

[Sizzle]

Ok I'm confused. He's not ready for whatever reason so you went out a bought yourself a diamond. Not the best quality and plan on wearing that on your LEFT hand?? I don't think he's " pulling you in" to the crazy. You have the GPS set! Why waste your money like that for an "included" stone just to appear something your not to a bunch of strangers? You're either engaged or your not it seems a bit juvenile to pretend

 

[zipzapgirl]

And this way, I can seem "taken" in France.
quote]

No offense, but most Europeans do not wear diamond engagement rings. They usually wear plain gold bands or eternity bands as wedding bands. Often they wear their wedding rings on their right ring fingers as well. So what they will automatically interpret from your ring status is not the meaning that you are necessarily attributing to it. Most Europeans get married around age 30 and many cohabitate before that, so their focus on engagement is much less than the American culture.

I'm really confused why you would put such value on this anyhow I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish with a ring that looks like an engagement ring (why not go with a colored stone??) and why you seem so intent on this. I perfectly understand the concept of purchasing jewelry for yourself--gathering your own flowers instead of waiting for someone to bring them to you--but your actions and mode of accomplishing this seem either misguided or like a power play on your BF. I'm not trying to attack here, just be an outside voice of reason.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Sizzle, Zipzapgirl, I see where you're coming from.
And it's really not meant to look like an engagement ring -- just an added affect for the fact that I'll be away from him for a couple months in France. That's not it's purpose. It's a ring, it's nonetheless a diamond, and it has it's own symbolic meaning to me.
Quite honestly, the ring isn't supposed to signify anything to do with him. That might sound rude, but it's more of an independent step than a juvenile action.

I wear rings every day. There's one on my right hand that I never take off and my left hand changes daily. But I already wear a band on my left hand ring finger, so I'm really not doing much else except adding a ring to my collection and wearing it with more purpose than the others. Ultimately, with the European "bands-only" type mentality, I already appear to be taken.

C'est tout!

 

[Skychick]

I am happy that you found your calm place about being a LIW. If it took a ring you bought for yourself then so be it. Who cares what other people think.

 

[Blackpaw]

Some of you know my saga, some of you don't, and I'm sure some don't care.
Nonetheless, we're all in the LIW boat.

So I underwent an enlightenment. A wonderful realization that nothings going to happen any time soon so there's absolutely no reason to develop a nervous twitch when I hear that my friends are getting engaged.
I'm having a promise ring made for myself in light of this enlightenment. Ultimately having my cake and eating it too, just not being engaged.
Fine, happy, wonderful, sublime, CONTENT!

Now he knows about the promise ring, he doesn't understand it, but he supports me. Today my diamond was shipped.

This was the conversation that ensued:
Him: So... are people going to look at the ring and think it's an engagement ring?
Me: Well, it's a small included stone and I'm not going to be wearing it with announcement.
Him: Oh... alright.
Me: I'm nonetheless wearing it on my left ring finger.
Him: But I wanted to give you a ring...
Me: *trying to stay calm* But I thought after this entire year of ring-drama, we tacitly agreed that nothing is happening any time soon. And this way, I can seem "taken" in France.
Him: But if I get you a ring, where will it go?
Me:

WHAT?!?!? I know he's not getting me a ring... but why is he dragging me back into the mania!!!
Really, men want women to be crazy... that way they have the upper hand.
(^ terrible statement, don't attack me.)

Not a terrible statement at all. Men do want women to be crazy, engagement is a tradition that perpetuates certain archetypal gender roles and unfortunately women dont get the upper hand. We want to be proposed to, we want to be 'chosen' and men have that over us

sigh, i still want to be proposed to though

 

[Glitz]

I'm happy for you and your new ring! If it means something special to you than that's all that matters, good for you. Just let your SO know that a ring from him would still be very much appreciated and tell him that you could make your current ring a RHR. Assure him that a girl can never have to many diamonds. In the mean time don't get to worked up over his ring comments, and if something actually does come of them, it will be a great surprise for you!

 

[Grlsbestfrnd]

I'm happy for you and your new ring! If it means something special to you than that's all that matters, good for you. Just let your SO know that a ring from him would still be very much appreciated and tell him that you could make your current ring a RHR. Assure him that a girl can never have to many diamonds. In the mean time don't get to worked up over his ring comments, and if something actually does come of them, it will be a great surprise for you!

HEAR HEAR!! Well said, I completely agree

 

[Pushin40]

Hi WD53

Is it possible he is like WTF since you are calling it a promise ring? Is it sort of indrect pressure on him?
Its not a promise ring - he's not even giving you it.

Maybe he said what he said becasue now yoou could have possibly made him feel bad, or are backing him into a corner somewhat.

No offense - I just think what you are doing is a bit odd. Of coarse you can wear whatever rings you want, but putting a diamond on your left ring finger when you are not egnaged, well - it's not soemthing I would do.

 

[sphenequeen]

Hi WD53

Is it possible he is like WTF since you are calling it a promise ring? Is it sort of indrect pressure on him?
Its not a promise ring - he's not even giving you it.

Maybe he said what he said becasue now yoou could have possibly made him feel bad, or are backing him into a corner somewhat.

No offense - I just think what you are doing is a bit odd. Of coarse you can wear whatever rings you want, but putting a diamond on your left ring finger when you are not egnaged, well - it's not soemthing I would do.

WD53,
You cannot lead a horse to water - he has to make a commitment on his own. He knows very clearly where you stand. Perhaps you may not realize it, but it does seem rather manipulative and passive aggressive that you bought your own "promise ring."

More power to you if you want to assert yourself and buy yourself jewelry. This sends the wrong message.

 

[JulieN]

I kind of get it, but I mostly don't.

It's not a promise ring, because he didn't have any say in it. Women who buy themselves a ring, put it on their own left ring finger, and then call it a promise ring? Count me confused.

I get that you want to do something to satisfy yourself, temper the crazy, and all that. Anything you do to make you less crazy should not be visible to the BF.... 'cause then he'll think you're crazy. Rightfully so.

And why, for the love of romance and passion, would you go to France and try as hard as possible to seem taken? After you and your bf have spent a year arguing that nothing is going to happen any time soon? Girrrl, maybe if you didn't put a ring on yourself before embarking on a 3 month long overseas trip, he would hurry himself up a little bit!

 

[Jessie702]

I get where you coming from, but i dont think i agree, it depends on how you look at the situation. On one end, you are being an indepent woman who buys herself things, which is great. Im all for it, but than on the other end, in a way you might be pressuring your SO, and not even knowing it. He might be saying WTH in his head, she cant wait for me to find something i like to buy for her. Which in one way can make you seem inpatient. Maybe while you were him, wear it on the right hand, and if you want ot show you are taken while away from him wear it on the left hand. This is what im doing with my SO, since he bought me a ring, no, not that ring, this week. It matches his fathers ring that he wears out on the weekend, and his engagement ring on his right hand since its too big. So when he wears his fathers ring on the left hand, ill wear mine and than when he doesnt wear any, ill be wearing mine on the right hand. Just a thought

 

[sphenequeen]

And why, for the love of romance and passion, would you go to France and try as hard as possible to seem taken? After you and your bf have spent a year arguing that nothing is going to happen any time soon? Girrrl, maybe if you didn't put a ring on yourself before embarking on a 3 month long overseas trip, he would hurry himself up a little bit!

 

[reader]

+1

 

[amc80]

If I were your boyfriend, this is what would be going on in my head:

"Sweet, she did all the work for me. I can now maintain the status quo. She is going to portray being engaged without it costing me anything or requiring any additional commitment on my part."

I understand what you want to do, I really do. But you are essentially giving him ALL the power in your relationship. You are saying that he can do nothing at all and still receive all the benefits as if he had actually stepped up. Don't sell yourself short.

Go to Paris. Have a blast. Be committed to your relationship if that's what you want. But don't expect him to rush to propose, since he won't really be gaining anything. And if you meet someone else? Just sing him these words: "If you liked it then YOU should have put a ring on it."

 

[kagordo4]

If I were your boyfriend, this is what would be going on in my head:

"Sweet, she did all the work for me. I can now maintain the status quo. She is going to portray being engaged without it costing me anything or requiring any additional commitment on my part."

I understand what you want to do, I really do. But you are essentially giving him ALL the power in your relationship. You are saying that he can do nothing at all and still receive all the benefits as if he had actually stepped up. Don't sell yourself short.

Go to Paris. Have a blast. Be committed to your relationship if that's what you want. But don't expect him to rush to propose, since he won't really be gaining anything. And if you meet someone else? Just sing him these words: "If you liked it then YOU should have put a ring on it."

Ditto, amc.

 

[Jessie702]

If I were your boyfriend, this is what would be going on in my head:

"Sweet, she did all the work for me. I can now maintain the status quo. She is going to portray being engaged without it costing me anything or requiring any additional commitment on my part."

I understand what you want to do, I really do. But you are essentially giving him ALL the power in your relationship. You are saying that he can do nothing at all and still receive all the benefits as if he had actually stepped up. Don't sell yourself short.

Go to Paris. Have a blast. Be committed to your relationship if that's what you want. But don't expect him to rush to propose, since he won't really be gaining anything. And if you meet someone else? Just sing him these words: "If you liked it then YOU should have put a ring on it."

 

[wakingdreams53]

I understand where you all are coming from, but what you all seem to have skipped over was the fact that I already wear a ring on that finger on a daily basis. And a promise ring does not have to signify anyone. It's a promise ring FOR ME. As in, I made a promise to myself, and I hold myself to it.
See? https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/promise-ring-setting.148877/#post-2700979

It's not meant to pressure him, neither directly or indirectly. Yes, it seems like I've done all the work for him, but he knows that it's not an engagement ring. And I'm not going "out of my way" to look taken in France. It's more of a if-the-assumption-is-there-I'll-take-it.
This ring is not a faux engagement ring. I have a passion for rings. I wear rings on that finger all the time, but now that it's just more symbolic! It's the ring finger.

The whole France sentiment is more for him than me. I want him to feel secure, but I'm not going to pressure him into buying me an engagement ring. If we're getting engaged, I'd rather not be engaged for a day then leave for 3.5 months, you know?

Jessie, that's a nice idea, but I wear a ring 24/7 on the middle finger of my ring hand and it wouldn't look "right" if I put another ring right next to it.

Sphenequeen and JulieN, a father gives his daughter a promise ring. Does that mean she's now promised to be engaged? No. Does a promise ring always mean engagement? No. Is it the popular type of promise? Yes. Is it the only possible type of promise? Of course not.

Hmm, did I cover it all? Perhaps. Nonetheless, the point of the post is to point out the "WTF" in his questioning. He's a when-the-time-is-right type of guy. We logically can't marry for another 4 years, so ultimately, I don't see any rush.

 

[amc80]

Maybe the confusion is coming from calling it a promise ring. I'm not sure what the promise is. I think the general connotation of a promise ring is that it's sort of a pre-engagement ring given by your future fiance. Don't get me wrong, it's your ring and your hand and you can do whatever you want. But that doesn't stop other people (including your boyfriend) from perceiving it another way.

 

[JulieN]

Nonetheless, the point of the post is to point out the "WTF" in his questioning:

Half of us are also trying to say WTF. Your man isn't trying to do anything to you, least of all make you crazy.

Regardless, enjoy your ring, and wear it in good spirits.

 

[Anonymous]

I don't think I've actually ever posted a negative response, but this whole thing just makes me feel uncomfortable because it seems that you're trying to make yourself out as something you're not...Not just with the the promise ring that you outright say "if people assume you'll take it" but now also trying to make it seem like it has nothing to do with anyone other than you.

On another note, men are practical by nature. Since you're creating your own "promise ring" that looks exactly like a petite engagement ring, I doubt your BF will be in a rush to give you one to replace it.

ETA: +1 for the bf not being in the wrong. I actually feel pretty badly for the guy.

 

[wakingdreams53]

Tammy, I will only let the assumptions be in France. Not here. That isn't the purpose of it.
If I could wear France on my finger to remind me that I'm on the right path, I would.

And it does have nothing to do with anyone but me. It's not meant in a superficial or selfish matter, but some things are really just for the individual. The whole it'll appear to be something that it's not is a France-only type "policy."

Lastly, I'm not looking for him to replace it. If it looks like a mini-engagement ring, so be it. I love six-prongs and I think that Argentium silver is awesome. It has completely different symbolism. When the day comes that he presents me with a ring, it'll have the symbolism that it should, until then, I get my cake, diamond, ring, and darling boyfriend, and eat it too.

I don't mean to make anyone uncomfortable, but I don't see how I'm even doing so. It's a situation that has been read at a skewed perspective and there's not much I could do about that.

Point I was making with the original post was that he started talking about an engagement ring when engagement was completely taken off the table, which obviously took me by surprise.

 

[PrincessNatalie]

I see why you’re doing it. In your defence, I buy rings to wear because I actually really, really like pretty sparkly rings and alot of them are high quality CZ and so I guess could be interpreted to look like e-rings (but I wear them on my right hand).

I understand for sure, if you want something sparkly why wait for any man? Myself I honestly don’t like coloured stones anywhere near as much as white/light yellow so I don’t go for coloured stones really… except maybe pink

I understand the mentality that you don’t need/want him to get it for you. I even saw that you said in earlier post that you hope he doesn’t propose before you go over to France.

But that said most people take a “promise ring” to be a token from a BF to a GF, and really I honestly have never heard of it being anything else. And I think that and the fact that you are wearing it on your left hand is confusing people. We do get that you are just doing it because you have made some kind of promise to yourself, just seems a bit odd. None of our business though really.

Keep in mind in the end it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks except you.

 

[Pushin40]

I see why you’re doing it. In your defence, I buy rings to wear because I actually really, really like pretty sparkly rings and alot of them are high quality CZ and so I guess could be interpreted to look like e-rings (but I wear them on my right hand).

I understand for sure, if you want something sparkly why wait for any man? Myself I honestly don’t like coloured stones anywhere near as much as white/light yellow so I don’t go for coloured stones really… except maybe pink

I understand the mentality that you don’t need/want him to get it for you. I even saw that you said in earlier post that you hope he doesn’t propose before you go over to France.

But that said most people take a “promise ring” to be a token from a BF to a GF, and really I honestly have never heard of it being anything else. And I think that and the fact that you are wearing it on your left hand is confusing people. We do get that you are just doing it because you have made some kind of promise to yourself, just seems a bit odd. None of our business though really.

Keep in mind in the end it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks except you.

WD, I agree with everything Princessnatalie is saying in her post.

I think the "promise ring" term is what's throwing me and most others on this thread. I have never heard of a father givng a daughter a promsie ring....or buying your own promise ring....maybe this is a location thing?

I have ALWAYS worn some sort of nice ring on my left ring finger. For the last 4 years, pre-engagement, I wore a very substancial 5.44 carat cushion cut tanzenite with 2.5 carats of diamonds in the setting. HUGE glamour ring (my pride and joy, and the nicest thing I have EVER owned before my ER. OH! I should post in SMTR!!!). B gave it to me - it was never considered a promise rign by either of us. Just a ring, just a gift. People soemtimes asked me if it was an engagement ring just because it was so over the top. But it wasn't a diamond.....

I don't think your BF was messing with you at all. No WTF picked up on his comment - I mean he didn't say he didn't want to EVER get engaged right? I still do think it's sending him a message though weather you intended that or not.

And I agree ~ all the power to ya if you buy your own jewelery! That's completely cool in my book!

Weather in Paris or in the US, I just personaly wouldn't wear a diamond on my left hand if I wasn't engaged. No need to worry about if I look "taken" or not. And like PN said - it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks but you. (So I guess there is really no need for my post right?)

 

[Anonymous]

My apologies. I guess I was reacting partly because of what you said on the update thread about how you had accidentally forgotten to take off the try before you buy ring. From what you wrote, your cousin assumed that you were engaged, and you gave him all the details, minus the fact that you weren't actually engaged yet. Maybe I misinterpreted your message?

I don't know, but I realize that there's really no reason for me to post more. You're happy, your BF is happy, it doesn't matter what I would do, because I'm not you.

Good luck, and be safe in France.

 

[Amys Bling]

Ok, my .02


1. a promise ring does "typically" mean a promise of engagement- as most people understand it. So while you don't feel this is the meaning behind yours and promise rings don't necessarily means this.... to 99% of the population, the "promise ring" has a connotation of a promise to get engaged- promise of faith and seriousness of a relationship...etc. So when you call it a promise ring, you kind of have to expect the assumption people will have of it.

2. He is just as confused about the fact of you buying yourself a diamond ring, wearing it on your "engaged" finger, and referring to it as a promise ring....as everyone else will be.

3. You want him to feel "secure" while you are over in France..... so the assumption people there will have of you being engaged is a good thing. Well- I think he should feel secure in your relationship and your faithfulness whether youhave that ring on or not. I spend 3 months in europe and the FI (then boyfriend) wrote emails daily, talked on the phone less than once a week, and not once did either of us feel threatened or unsecure. I think that if he or you truly feel this way about your being in France for over three months, then you need to communicate your feelings to each other...in a solid, stable, commited relationship with trust you shouldn't feel this way.
While you are in France, you can always just tell people you are in a serious relationship....

4. Don't take his hints seriously until he is down on one knee! Actions speak louder than words!

5. You can buy yourself whatever jewelry you want and wear it however you want (I started collecting small diamonds to save for a future project), BUT just know that wearing a ring on that finger, especially a diamond ring comes with an assumption, and I feel- my opinion- wearing or doing something just to lead people to believe something that isn't true is actually your subconscious trying to hint to the BF what you want passively- or pass yourself and your relationship off as something that it is not at this point in time.

I buy small diamonds and such for myself and work on putting together ring or necklace projects, but I dont and never have tried to "lead others" to believe something that isn't true. honesty is the best policy- when meeting poeople and such and your discussions turn to relationships/etc. tell them you are in a serious relationship. end of story