What is the most challenging issue you are dealing with right now?

[Begonia]

You're welcome. I know it can be overwhelming to know where to turn. I'm glad your husband has started medication. Most people with anxiety do best on a combination of medication and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, so it's worth asking his GP for a referral to your local hospital outpatient psychology department (if they have an outpatient anxiety disorders program, even better). And know that modeling openness about these issues to your kids helps reduce stigma about mental health and will allow them to be aware enough to seek help, if it is ever needed in the future.

2017 has been difficult for me as well, both personally and professionally. I lost an aunt, my mother has been sick and is stubbornly refusing to pursue the treatment that she needs and I am worried about what the likely outcome of this will be, I was hospitalized twice and ended up having surgery that I'm not all that sure I've recovered well from, and just when that was all starting to resolve, I unexpectedly lost my furbaby of 11 years (which honestly has been the most devastating thing of all this year). While my husband tries to be supportive, he doesn't really understand, so my grief is met with confusion and honestly a bit of judgy-ness and I don't feel allowed to grieve when he is around (I can, but then I'll get an exasperated "why are you crying now?"). Woven through this have been a number of professional challenges that I won't go into here, but which have been both drawn out and quite traumatic (people can really suck sometimes) on top of my husband's business dropping off a cliff due to international economic factors outside of anyone's control. It has meant that I have had to find a way to keep going to work despite being sick, heartbroken, not fully recovered from surgery (as I could only take a maximum of 3 weeks off), and facing chronic stress at a job that I am not certain that I still want to do but won't likely be able to afford to change in the foreseeable future.

So my plan is to: put one foot in front of the other, find private time to grieve, seek solace from friends, try to make time to take care of myself, find room in my heart for new furbabies as I think that might help me move forward, find joy in life where I can, and hope next year is better.

Oh my gosh cmd, this has been one hell of a year for you! I'm not sure I even know what to say.

If you were here I think I would just listen and make you some tea. And snacks. And then we'd go for a walk and talk about fur babies. Just talk about them you understand, no pressure.

Sounds like hubbie is a bit overwhelmed and not able to give you the support you need. I'm glad to hear you have a self care plan in place.
Do you have access to EAP or the like?

 

[Begonia]

Begonia, It sounds as though you are doing and have done things to get help your husband get well. Often times with men, just getting them to see a doctor and get them to see they need help is a long road. Hopefully the you will see an improvement in a few weeks as the medicine starts to work. You are teaching your sons everything the need to know about being great family members by watching you. Your husband and children are lucky to have you. It is obvious you do a fantastic job of taking care of others, please remember to take care of yourself too. It's easy to lose sight of yourself when dealing with all you are going thru. Hugs

Thank you Calliecake.

We are very hopeful at this point - it gives us something to hang on to.

It's true, helping someone thru mental illness when one struggles themselves brings me dangerously close to the edge myself. I'm having a lot of baths and doing my beading a lot (a hobby I turn to when I'm stressed). How may pairs of earring one woman needs I'm not too sure LOL.

Thanks for being here.

 

[Calliecake]

Begonia, You earring comment had me laughing out loud. Last year was a rough one for my brothers family. He was in the hospital for almost 6 months and I was with him most days for many hours as his wife needed to work and I was the one who met with his specialists and tried to keep his spirits up. I spent many many hours in the hospital everyday. At night I would shop on line. My husband opened the door to a spare bedroom one day and said what the heck is in all these boxes? I told the him contents of all those boxes was cheaper than he would of spent on weekly therapy bills for the year. He looked at me and just said "Okay" and shut the door. LOL. You gotta love retail therapy!

 

[Phanie]

This year has been quite challenging>
Thank you for this thread.
After reading your stories, I think I should share my stuff too as it might help deal with it.
I am sorry all of you are dealing with so much stuff and thank you for sharing.
I will try to make this as short a story as possible but it is looooong.
Election day My two girls were inconsolable< my youngest feared we would be deported and some of her friends too.
My father died on Christmas day. Lots of legal and financial stuff ensued. Dealing with this from here was tough (I am French and all my family is back in France).
January I started having feminine health problems that took months to somewhat get better and I am still dealing with them and fighting insurance ( think thousands of dollars not covered) and still waiting for BRCA testing to be cleared ( two ovarian cancers in y cousins one died from it 2 years ago).Due to the treatments (that mostly did not help much) I gained 35 pounds... in 6 months.
Kiddo#3 finally seen as ASD.
In June , my mom had a common surgery turn to hell and was i ICU for days, I was stuck in the US.
The pipe to our main sewer or the main sewer itself has roots growing into it. We usually have to rotoroot every other year, but this year we had to redo it less than a year apart. Grrrrrr.
August come around I need to go to France to deal with a lawsuit from my aunt over funeral costs. My manager refuses to approve my vacation time combined with my bereavement. In the end, I don't give a crap and have colleagues cover for me and my manager is forced (per contract) to give me my days(should have asked for FMLA form the start) but I only hear of it once I am already gone home.
4 weeks in France sounds amazing but wait...
7 days before we are supposed to leave(saturday evening) , we realize that 2 of the kids passports are expired (don't ask I was sure we were fine because DD#3 passeport was current) Emergency passeports is not something we were aware of so we are just horrified and worried after 3 hours of looking online we find out that Seattle is one of the 26 offices that can do it! We get a monday am appointment and get the passports in 24 hours (love the US for this).
France ... Between my mom deciding that she was not moving her vacation to see her SO's family to see me and the kids that she had not see for 2 years (kids) and me 6, was heartbreaking, my sis decided that she could not pick us up at the airport anymore (24 hours notice) , we are scrambling to find a way to schlep 5 people and 10 bags ! We end up renting a car.
For some freaky reason, my passport is in my maiden name (France is like that) and hubs forgot and my ticket is under my married name. 5 people, one hour on the phone at the registration to change my name and at the gate and in the PLANE, I am finally cleared to go.Pfffff...
First week in France is OK but my sis is pregnant and she is literally a monster when she is. She cannot lift a finger so all our plans to visit and whatnot are canceled. We still go do stuff without her.
We go to my inlaws for 17 days . Bear with me, they are "special" and we are staying at their tiny house on the Riviera (800sqft for 7 people..). I am hoping for a little bit of calm.
From the start I can tell, something is off more than usual. My husband has a tense relation with them.
They keep being passive aggressive (like usual) but this time openly demeaning our parenting and my weight gain (mind you, not a word of apology when I finally tell them why and that I am still waiting for biopsies results). My hubs is getting each day more tense and irritable.
I am dealing in the mean time with the legal system and my aunt sueing me for $15000 for funeral costs and whatnots!!! needing to drop everything at the tip of a hat to go back to Paris then Nancy if my aunt finally agrees to mediation. She did not it goe to trial , so I am hoping to get a date before I need to leave for the US.
My hubs is getting tenser by the minute and I can see he is taking upon himself to keep the peace around. On the eve of the 8th day, after a argument over the kid and our parenting , the mother of all fights erupted between my hubs and his father. Where I learned the extent of the abuse my husband endured ( I knew most it, I thought but not the depths of it, the variety of it, when it started and the complete denial his parents are about what they did). One hour and a half into it where all my husband is asking is for an apology from them for what they did and taking responsibility, they are completely obtuse. Meanwhile I am packing because I cannot see us staying as it progresses.
The kids witness part of this. We leave and wait for a taxi on the sidewalk. All I could think, is that my MIL will do something and try to get us to come back inside. Not one attempt. I will not detail the things they said but I am completely appalled and explains why I alwasy felt a bit paranoid when they were around and that those little remarks I kept dismissing as just humor were not.
So we leave , taxi cost us $180 and then another $500 for hotel and then the train back to Paris. (another $1000)
Luckily , my mother is back from vacation and can welcome us. Of course, this is not with some tension either, plus hubs dealing with the repercussions of 43 years of abuse and finally confronting it for the last time.
Our credit cards seemed to have been hacked (yes when it rains it pours), but we have great CC coverage, replacement and blocking and denying payment on fraudulent stuff was easy.
(I still go to Place Vendome and visit VCA, Cartier, Chaumet, )
We were supposed to stay a bit over 3 weeks but it ended up being 4 because the only date for the trial was 8/31 or 9/1!
I pass a kidney stone!
My meds for my uterus seem to really not work either.
The stay at my mom is OK, more visits of Paris and surroundings but my hubs needs to regroup with just the five of us and of course , my mother has a hard time understanding that he does ot want to stay every day with her and her spouse. I see both sides, but I am caught in the middle. Pffffff!
Trail happens : I win, no need to pay my crazy aunt, I knew it based on some prior legal stuff about my father and I.
Time to leave.
Finally heading home, back to the US; because yes during this whole time, France is now where I was born and raised but not home anymore.
We leave with 160lbs of French food out of the 275lbs we are allowed in luggages.
Flight is fine (my name was changed on the return ticket!)
My hubs and I have both our green cards.
For some completely blindsiding reason, my husband is arrested. No reason is given to me, this in front of our kids. He is detained for 3+ hours by Immigration... (thanks Trump). His green card is revoked. We have 30 days until a decision will be made if he will get it back or not.
Legal crap ensues (I am passing on the going through customs by myself with 3 kids [2 special needs] with 160lbs of food and yes some of it is stinky cheeses!).
Looking for a lawyer right away, at least I am not detained.
30 days of uncertainty and then more.
My hubs has been back and forth since having his GC with no problem, he renewed it 4 years ago no problem. We have all the paperwork and what ever you can think of.
For some bizarre reason, immigration is missing one data (we ended up learning that on the day of the hearing), they kept delaying the hearing for reinstatement revocation of the GC.
We of course told the kids that everything was fine and solved the day we came back , but as time went by I was not so sure of what was going to happen.
Hearing happens the officer, of course , instead of telling us 'it is fine, just a paper thing" goes on a tangent for 20 minutes threatening hubs and the GC. Anyway, hubs gets his GC back but for some bizarre reason, he is now flagged and will have to go through Immigration via the back office now.
(of course all this means more $$$ spent unexpectedly).

I get back and some of my health stuff is not quite right. I, fro some reason, start to decompensate and goes into depression/panic attack state (without me realizing it too), which is a relatively common occurence with me, plus the declining light puts me into SAD too.
One of our cars finally dies on us, emergency car buying (not expected either).
One of our kitties gets sick on my hubs birthday (she peed blood), emergency vet visit and meds and whatnot.
November starts and I realized that my box of hormones must have been bad because when I start the new box I have markedly improvement in my health ( those meds are heat sensitive and I am guessing they must have been stored improperly and then expired). Also insurance is denying coverage for all the biopsies, treatments and ablation I had to have...

This week, our sewer problem comes back (4 months, FOUR months!!!), since Sunday eve we are struggling with back up/very slow emptying; of course no plumber/rotorooter can come. Hubs has to work like crazy this week, and I have crazy work/school volunteering schedule too. We still try to see if it would be advisable to dig and replace the portion that is overgrown with roots. The city hall has NO records of our house main sewer pipe plans or the house even... Today hubs decided to take off early goes to home depot rents a rotorooter and goes to town in our main. Unblocks the clog but the damn snake brakes off and we are left with 40ft of 1/2' cable in our pipe!!!!!!!
I guess we are digging soon. We call 811 and they are coming Wednesday to track all the pipes/electricel/cable/water main/ etc in the rgound before we can dig.
Hopefully they can locate everything we need so we can dig and repair once and for all.
I don't want to know how much this is going to cost us!!!!!!



If you have made it this far, thank you for letting me vent. Hoping my health is going to improve soon. Still waiting to be approved to get the BRCA test and to see my latest biopsies results. Crossing fingers>

 

[Phanie]

I think that today's latest shit happening and hitting the fan is just the one too many things that tipped my cup over!
At least, my kiddos are doing great considering.

 

[MarionC]

Phanie, the fact that you are still able to write a coherent sentence at this point is a testament to your strength!

 

[yennyfire]

Phanie, the fact that you are still able to write a coherent sentence at this point is a testament to your strength!

Amen! I'm so very sorry for all that you've been through. I have a feeling that the only reason you haven't had a breakdown is because you're a Mama and have to hold it together for your kids! I truly hope that things improve from here on out!

 

[Missy]

I'm sorry to hear of the bad times people are having. 2016 was one of the worst years of my life. In comparison 2017 has been multiple times better! Not like everything is normal, but it is moving in a positive direction. I published a book, and I am dating someone who is kind and capable (who happens to not drink!)

I am sorry you had such a challenging and bad year in 2016 and a big hearty Congratulations to you partygypsy for turning it all around! WOW to publishing a book and so happy you are dating someone more worthy of your fabulousness! Best wishes for continued upwards change.

You're welcome. I know it can be overwhelming to know where to turn. I'm glad your husband has started medication. Most people with anxiety do best on a combination of medication and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, so it's worth asking his GP for a referral to your local hospital outpatient psychology department (if they have an outpatient anxiety disorders program, even better). And know that modeling openness about these issues to your kids helps reduce stigma about mental health and will allow them to be aware enough to seek help, if it is ever needed in the future.

2017 has been difficult for me as well, both personally and professionally. I lost an aunt, my mother has been sick and is stubbornly refusing to pursue the treatment that she needs and I am worried about what the likely outcome of this will be, I was hospitalized twice and ended up having surgery that I'm not all that sure I've recovered well from, and just when that was all starting to resolve, I unexpectedly lost my furbaby of 11 years (which honestly has been the most devastating thing of all this year). While my husband tries to be supportive, he doesn't really understand, so my grief is met with confusion and honestly a bit of judgy-ness and I don't feel allowed to grieve when he is around (I can, but then I'll get an exasperated "why are you crying now?"). Woven through this have been a number of professional challenges that I won't go into here, but which have been both drawn out and quite traumatic (people can really suck sometimes) on top of my husband's business dropping off a cliff due to international economic factors outside of anyone's control. It has meant that I have had to find a way to keep going to work despite being sick, heartbroken, not fully recovered from surgery (as I could only take a maximum of 3 weeks off), and facing chronic stress at a job that I am not certain that I still want to do but won't likely be able to afford to change in the foreseeable future.

So my plan is to: put one foot in front of the other, find private time to grieve, seek solace from friends, try to make time to take care of myself, find room in my heart for new furbabies as I think that might help me move forward, find joy in life where I can, and hope next year is better.

cmd2014 I am terribly sorry for the loss of your darling fur baby and your aunt. I hope your mom recovers and I hope you fully recover from your surgery. I don't know what to say re the chronic stress at work because of course if you could leave you would but I hope the work situation improves as it definitely takes a toll on your overall health. Sending you lots of hugs and good wishes and keeping you in my thoughts. (((HUGS))).

 

[Jambalaya]

There is breast cancer is my family. Both my mother and her own mother (my grandma) died of it. But neither were under 50 when they got it, so all doctors have always advised me that I am not at any heightened risk. They said that the two cancers were likely both sporadic ones.

I wasn't entirely convinced, so I decided to do my family history just to make sure. I've been meaning to do this for quite a long time, and I just thought it would be a good thing to check off my list, nothing more than that.

After building the tree online using the ancestry website, I ordered the death certificates of the women further back than my grandma.

Boy, did I get a shock. Every woman in my direct line died of breast cancer going back to 1800, which is as far as I can get. Also, there are cancers in the side-lines that strongly suggest the known breast cancer genes when they are found together with a breast-cancer line. Ovarian, pancreatic, etc.

I went to see the doctor and he agreed I should get tested. Appt is booked but many months away.

I'm able to cope with all this, but when I told a family member (related by marriage, so not at risk) I got a huge shock.

I told her I had found this five-generation direct-line history, which means that every single woman before me has died of it, including my mother. These facts were 100% clear to her. And do you know what she said?

She told me that I needed to "drop this idea of cancer" - her words - and that I was obsessed with my mother's death and I needed to move on. I rarely see her since she lives a long way away and is older, so I'm not sure where she got that idea.

My soul slid to the floor with the sheer cruelty of it. It was not shock speaking - this exchange was on email, so she had time to compose herself and respond.

I had just told her there's a huge direct line and she tells me to drop it? As in, forget about it and let nature take its course?

Well, did I let her have it. She is banned from my life forevermore. I wrote to her, "Five generations is not an idea, dear. It's a fact." Among other choice words.

So, that's what I'm going through. Well, Missy, you did ask!

 

[Missy]

This year has been quite challenging>
Thank you for this thread.
After reading your stories, I think I should share my stuff too as it might help deal with it.
I am sorry all of you are dealing with so much stuff and thank you for sharing.
I will try to make this as short a story as possible but it is looooong.
Election day My two girls were inconsolable< my youngest feared we would be deported and some of her friends too.
My father died on Christmas day. Lots of legal and financial stuff ensued. Dealing with this from here was tough (I am French and all my family is back in France).
January I started having feminine health problems that took months to somewhat get better and I am still dealing with them and fighting insurance ( think thousands of dollars not covered) and still waiting for BRCA testing to be cleared ( two ovarian cancers in y cousins one died from it 2 years ago).Due to the treatments (that mostly did not help much) I gained 35 pounds... in 6 months.
Kiddo#3 finally seen as ASD.
In June , my mom had a common surgery turn to hell and was i ICU for days, I was stuck in the US.
The pipe to our main sewer or the main sewer itself has roots growing into it. We usually have to rotoroot every other year, but this year we had to redo it less than a year apart. Grrrrrr.
August come around I need to go to France to deal with a lawsuit from my aunt over funeral costs. My manager refuses to approve my vacation time combined with my bereavement. In the end, I don't give a crap and have colleagues cover for me and my manager is forced (per contract) to give me my days(should have asked for FMLA form the start) but I only hear of it once I am already gone home.
4 weeks in France sounds amazing but wait...
7 days before we are supposed to leave(saturday evening) , we realize that 2 of the kids passports are expired (don't ask I was sure we were fine because DD#3 passeport was current) Emergency passeports is not something we were aware of so we are just horrified and worried after 3 hours of looking online we find out that Seattle is one of the 26 offices that can do it! We get a monday am appointment and get the passports in 24 hours (love the US for this).
France ... Between my mom deciding that she was not moving her vacation to see her SO's family to see me and the kids that she had not see for 2 years (kids) and me 6, was heartbreaking, my sis decided that she could not pick us up at the airport anymore (24 hours notice) , we are scrambling to find a way to schlep 5 people and 10 bags ! We end up renting a car.
For some freaky reason, my passport is in my maiden name (France is like that) and hubs forgot and my ticket is under my married name. 5 people, one hour on the phone at the registration to change my name and at the gate and in the PLANE, I am finally cleared to go.Pfffff...
First week in France is OK but my sis is pregnant and she is literally a monster when she is. She cannot lift a finger so all our plans to visit and whatnot are canceled. We still go do stuff without her.
We go to my inlaws for 17 days . Bear with me, they are "special" and we are staying at their tiny house on the Riviera (800sqft for 7 people..). I am hoping for a little bit of calm.
From the start I can tell, something is off more than usual. My husband has a tense relation with them.
They keep being passive aggressive (like usual) but this time openly demeaning our parenting and my weight gain (mind you, not a word of apology when I finally tell them why and that I am still waiting for biopsies results). My hubs is getting each day more tense and irritable.
I am dealing in the mean time with the legal system and my aunt sueing me for $15000 for funeral costs and whatnots!!! needing to drop everything at the tip of a hat to go back to Paris then Nancy if my aunt finally agrees to mediation. She did not it goe to trial , so I am hoping to get a date before I need to leave for the US.
My hubs is getting tenser by the minute and I can see he is taking upon himself to keep the peace around. On the eve of the 8th day, after a argument over the kid and our parenting , the mother of all fights erupted between my hubs and his father. Where I learned the extent of the abuse my husband endured ( I knew most it, I thought but not the depths of it, the variety of it, when it started and the complete denial his parents are about what they did). One hour and a half into it where all my husband is asking is for an apology from them for what they did and taking responsibility, they are completely obtuse. Meanwhile I am packing because I cannot see us staying as it progresses.
The kids witness part of this. We leave and wait for a taxi on the sidewalk. All I could think, is that my MIL will do something and try to get us to come back inside. Not one attempt. I will not detail the things they said but I am completely appalled and explains why I alwasy felt a bit paranoid when they were around and that those little remarks I kept dismissing as just humor were not.
So we leave , taxi cost us $180 and then another $500 for hotel and then the train back to Paris. (another $1000)
Luckily , my mother is back from vacation and can welcome us. Of course, this is not with some tension either, plus hubs dealing with the repercussions of 43 years of abuse and finally confronting it for the last time.
Our credit cards seemed to have been hacked (yes when it rains it pours), but we have great CC coverage, replacement and blocking and denying payment on fraudulent stuff was easy.
(I still go to Place Vendome and visit VCA, Cartier, Chaumet, )
We were supposed to stay a bit over 3 weeks but it ended up being 4 because the only date for the trial was 8/31 or 9/1!
I pass a kidney stone!
My meds for my uterus seem to really not work either.
The stay at my mom is OK, more visits of Paris and surroundings but my hubs needs to regroup with just the five of us and of course , my mother has a hard time understanding that he does ot want to stay every day with her and her spouse. I see both sides, but I am caught in the middle. Pffffff!
Trail happens : I win, no need to pay my crazy aunt, I knew it based on some prior legal stuff about my father and I.
Time to leave.
Finally heading home, back to the US; because yes during this whole time, France is now where I was born and raised but not home anymore.
We leave with 160lbs of French food out of the 275lbs we are allowed in luggages.
Flight is fine (my name was changed on the return ticket!)
My hubs and I have both our green cards.
For some completely blindsiding reason, my husband is arrested. No reason is given to me, this in front of our kids. He is detained for 3+ hours by Immigration... (thanks Trump). His green card is revoked. We have 30 days until a decision will be made if he will get it back or not.
Legal crap ensues (I am passing on the going through customs by myself with 3 kids [2 special needs] with 160lbs of food and yes some of it is stinky cheeses!).
Looking for a lawyer right away, at least I am not detained.
30 days of uncertainty and then more.
My hubs has been back and forth since having his GC with no problem, he renewed it 4 years ago no problem. We have all the paperwork and what ever you can think of.
For some bizarre reason, immigration is missing one data (we ended up learning that on the day of the hearing), they kept delaying the hearing for reinstatement revocation of the GC.
We of course told the kids that everything was fine and solved the day we came back , but as time went by I was not so sure of what was going to happen.
Hearing happens the officer, of course , instead of telling us 'it is fine, just a paper thing" goes on a tangent for 20 minutes threatening hubs and the GC. Anyway, hubs gets his GC back but for some bizarre reason, he is now flagged and will have to go through Immigration via the back office now.
(of course all this means more $$$ spent unexpectedly).

I get back and some of my health stuff is not quite right. I, fro some reason, start to decompensate and goes into depression/panic attack state (without me realizing it too), which is a relatively common occurence with me, plus the declining light puts me into SAD too.
One of our cars finally dies on us, emergency car buying (not expected either).
One of our kitties gets sick on my hubs birthday (she peed blood), emergency vet visit and meds and whatnot.
November starts and I realized that my box of hormones must have been bad because when I start the new box I have markedly improvement in my health ( those meds are heat sensitive and I am guessing they must have been stored improperly and then expired). Also insurance is denying coverage for all the biopsies, treatments and ablation I had to have...

This week, our sewer problem comes back (4 months, FOUR months!!!), since Sunday eve we are struggling with back up/very slow emptying; of course no plumber/rotorooter can come. Hubs has to work like crazy this week, and I have crazy work/school volunteering schedule too. We still try to see if it would be advisable to dig and replace the portion that is overgrown with roots. The city hall has NO records of our house main sewer pipe plans or the house even... Today hubs decided to take off early goes to home depot rents a rotorooter and goes to town in our main. Unblocks the clog but the damn snake brakes off and we are left with 40ft of 1/2' cable in our pipe!!!!!!!
I guess we are digging soon. We call 811 and they are coming Wednesday to track all the pipes/electricel/cable/water main/ etc in the rgound before we can dig.
Hopefully they can locate everything we need so we can dig and repair once and for all.
I don't want to know how much this is going to cost us!!!!!!



If you have made it this far, thank you for letting me vent. Hoping my health is going to improve soon. Still waiting to be approved to get the BRCA test and to see my latest biopsies results. Crossing fingers>

OMG Phanie! You are amazing that you got through all this and were still able to articulate it all as well as you did! And I am so sorry for everything you went and are going through. I have to add you had me riveted as I was reading it just now and I was making all the appropriate noises and gasps while doing so. My dh who is right beside me got an earful lol.

Sending you big hugs and lots of healing dust! I hope your health improves soon and that all the tests/treatments are covered and that you get good news about everything you are dealing with...and soon! My fingers and toes are crossed for you!
So glad your kiddos are doing well!

 

[Missy]

There is breast cancer is my family. Both my mother and her own mother (my grandma) died of it. But neither were under 50 when they got it, so all doctors have always advised me that I am not at any heightened risk. They said that the two cancers were likely both sporadic ones.

I wasn't entirely convinced, so I decided to do my family history just to make sure. I've been meaning to do this for quite a long time, and I just thought it would be a good thing to check off my list, nothing more than that.

After building the tree online using the ancestry website, I ordered the death certificates of the women further back than my grandma.

Boy, did I get a shock. Every woman in my direct line died of breast cancer going back to 1800, which is as far as I can get. Also, there are cancers in the side-lines that strongly suggest the known breast cancer genes when they are found together with a breast-cancer line. Ovarian, pancreatic, etc.

I went to see the doctor and he agreed I should get tested. Appt is booked but many months away.

I'm able to cope with all this, but when I told a family member (related by marriage, so not at risk) I got a huge shock.

I told her I had found this five-generation direct-line history, which means that every single woman before me has died of it, including my mother. These facts were 100% clear to her. And do you know what she said?

She told me that I needed to "drop this idea of cancer" - her words - and that I was obsessed with my mother's death and I needed to move on. I rarely see her since she lives a long way away and is older, so I'm not sure where she got that idea.

My soul slid to the floor with the sheer cruelty of it. It was not shock speaking - this exchange was on email, so she had time to compose herself and respond.

I had just told her there's a huge direct line and she tells me to drop it? As in, forget about it and let nature take its course?

Well, did I let her have it. She is banned from my life forevermore. I wrote to her, "Five generations is not an idea, dear. It's a fact." Among other choice words.

So, that's what I'm going through. Well, Missy, you did ask!

Jambalaya I am sorry about the strong family history of breast cancer and I hope all your tests come back negative. Please just ignore your family member who behaved insensitively. Since you cannot control how others behave or what they think and because she doesn't seem like a very kind or caring person towards you I would not engage with her anymore. It isn't worth the bad energy she brings. If this is how she always behaves that is...if it wasn't a one off because of something she is going through. So if this is her usual MO I say bah bye. Good riddance to bad energy. And sending you lots of good thoughts for good news on your tests. (((Hugs))).

 

[Phanie]

Jambalaya I am so sorry you have this amazingly strong genetic proof of breast cancer in your family. YOur family member is either crazy in denial or plain stupidly cruel. I am glad you banned her from your life, Drop it and get over it????? Really??? I just can't imagine, I would throat punch her for you.
I am waiting for my BRCA testing too. Two cousins had ovarian cancers (one on each side of my family) before the age of 40 and one died from it. My mo had a lumpectomy at 39. SO I begged to have this done because hello!
I hope you get the test sooner and are able to get whatever treatment is needed (if any, crossing fingers here).
Hugs, lots of hugs.

 

[Phanie]

Missy, Thank you. I love that you read my novel with baited breath! Would you believe me if I told you I only put the important more wow things? I forgot my hubs company was bought, he did not get the package they were all hoping and the company that bought them is kinds evil.
I did not include much of the kids stuff either...

Amazing, I don't think so, just a woman with a family and so, I don't have the luxury of blowing a gasket or go down the path of a nervous breakdown (thought I have brushed with it many times...). Some days (when I am off work and not volunteering at the schools) are just spent barely breathing and doing the bare minimum.
I "love" how my IG or FB life looks like it is all rosy and peachy and fun, but pffff, so fricking far from it. If only people knew. My oldest has asperger's , I suspect my youngest too combined with ADHD and dyslexia and SPD. My middle has ODD. And oh, I am pretty sure my hubs has Asperger's too.
What keeps me from drowning very often are my PS friends and seeing all the amazing great shinies .
I try not to get envious or jealous, I am just trying to be happy for all of you when you show new pieces.
I will most likely never get to own another big diamond because every time I start my little bling fund some crap stuff happen and pffff money is gone. Luckily this year, I already had pieces on lay away so I HAD to pay for them!
I still have one to come and then it will be a long time of nothing.

 

[Jambalaya]

Hugs to everyone here xxx HotPozzum, your situation sounds very challenging and I am so sorry about your third miscarriage. You must feel very alone in your grief since your husband felt "relieved". You'd have thought he could have kept that to himself.

GK, I am so, so sorry about your husband's cancer. It sounds horrendous and you're in my thoughts.

Phanie, I'm going to start a separate thread about BRCA so as not to threadjack here.

 

[Jambalaya]

Missy and Phanie, thank you so much for your replies. Your kind words mean the world.

 

[orbaya]

My husband walked out after 17 years of marriage.

Our 7 year old son seems to be handling it pretty well.

 

[LLJsmom]

@Phanie @Jambalaya @HotPozzum @cmd2014 @yennyfire and so many others who have posted here. You are brave and strong beyond words. You get up every morning and do your best in the impossible situation you are facing. You’re not perfect but I’ve been embracing the saying “Perfect is the enemy of good.” And for a type A perfectionist, that is huge progress. Be kind and gentle to yourself. My thoughts are with each of you ladies. I read this thread every day and think about you.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, LLJSmom.

Obaya, I am so sorry. My husband walked out on me, too, years ago. I found that people who have not been suddenly abandoned don't really understand how terrible it is. Big, big hugs to you xxx

 

[yennyfire]

@HotPozzum I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriages and the state of your marriage. Miscarriages take a huge toll (I had one before each living child), both individually and as a couple. As for the finding you "boring", I know that our intimate life had boiled down to ovulation kits and timing...there was nothing sexy or romantic about it. I wonder if that's part of your husband's reaction? If you haven't tried counseling, it might be worth it? Sending gentle hugs...

@Jambalaya As has already been said, your family member is either in denial or just plain crazy to ignore evidence like that. I'm glad that you're getting tested and hope that you "escape" from that piece of your family history!

@orbaya Oh, that's terrible! I'm glad that your son seems to be coping well and hope that you are finding the support you need to get through this awful "chapter" of your life. I'm just so sorry!

@LLJsmom I really like that..."Perfection is the enemy of good". I'm going to have to remember that, as I am definitely a type A perfectionist!

 

[LLJsmom]

My husband walked out after 17 years of marriage.

Our 7 year old son seems to be handling it pretty well.

@orbaya. i am so Sorry. I don’t know what to say. My thoughts are with you and your son.

 

[Missy]

My husband walked out after 17 years of marriage.

Our 7 year old son seems to be handling it pretty well.

Orbaya I am so sorry. Keeping you and your son in my thoughts and sending positive energy your way and (((HUGS))).

LLJsmom that is and has been my mantra for a long time now. Wise words for sure.
Perfection is truly the enemy of good and the also the enemy of happy.

 

[december-fire]

Wow! Mental hugs all round everyone.

It's been a crap year for me too. We left the security of the military and moved country to take up a new opportunity in the private sector. Despite living in comfort, I'm very homesick but my husband has openly stated he will never move home again ever. In between all this I had my 3rd miscarriage and we gave up on having kids. Hubby is relieved and confesses he never wanted kids anyway... To top it all off my marriage is falling apart - we still love and care for each other but he is no longer attracted to me. I'm fairly slim and take care of myself (wear makeup/perfume/nice clothes daily) but after 12 years together apparently I'm just "boring". My stress levels have gone through the roof and my stomach is constantly ill. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. My best friend is literally my lighthouse at this point as no one else knows. So yes I DO drown my sorrows in sparklies online...

I am so ticked off at your husband!

You writing that you're 'fairly slim and take care of yourself (wear makeup/perfume/nice clothes daily)' made me want to yell at you to stop it! You're a human being, for God's sake! You're not a possession that just consists of surface-level attractiveness! You have depth, personality, values, morals, compassionate, interests, feelings, and a heart. Shall I go on?

Your husband:
"has openly stated he will never move home again ever"
"is relieved and confesses he never wanted kids anyway ..."
and says that you're "boring".

I'm trying to imagine a thoughtful and compassionate man saying those things to someone he claims to love and care about.

I'm so sorry you've gone through the heartbreak of miscarriages.

Obviously, I don't know your husband. But if a person makes you feel bad about yourself, puts you down, isn't open to discussing differing wants (where to live, etc.), then I'm not feeling the 'love'.

Do not feel as though you 'weren't enough' for your husband.
I'm getting the sense, albeit just from your short post, that you deserve much better.

Despite my harsh tone, I'm sending you gentle hugs, comforting thoughts and hope that you'll realize your wonderful qualities and think about whether or not this man is worthy of being in your life.

 

[TooPatient]

Wow! Mental hugs all round everyone.

It's been a crap year for me too. We left the security of the military and moved country to take up a new opportunity in the private sector. Despite living in comfort, I'm very homesick but my husband has openly stated he will never move home again ever. In between all this I had my 3rd miscarriage and we gave up on having kids. Hubby is relieved and confesses he never wanted kids anyway... To top it all off my marriage is falling apart - we still love and care for each other but he is no longer attracted to me. I'm fairly slim and take care of myself (wear makeup/perfume/nice clothes daily) but after 12 years together apparently I'm just "boring". My stress levels have gone through the roof and my stomach is constantly ill. I'm heartbroken and don't know what to do. My best friend is literally my lighthouse at this point as no one else knows. So yes I DO drown my sorrows in sparklies online...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope he is just stressed and saying all the wrong things because he doesn't know what to say. (Not that ANYTHING justifies what he has been saying...)

You are one of the posters I have always loved reading comments. You are strong and level headed. I'm thinking of you and hoping you are able to apply the same level of strength and care to taking care of yourself as you always share with us here.

Sending you hugs.

 

[lyra]

I'm sorry for those going through marital issues. I don't know what to say. It hurts to read about others who are living through being treated like crap by their longtime partners. It makes me very angry for you, and I honestly feel that each of you deserves better.

 

[LLJsmom]

Thanks ladies, I truly appreciate your kind thoughts. I promise you he IS a wonderful caring man but obviously I’ve only shared the few current issues I’m dealing with. I’m very fragile and emotional right now but he is also very upset at the state of our marriage and feels responsible. Yes, the kids thing was hard, I suspect the 3 years of trying and failing is what killed the romance. I asked him to be honest and he was, now we can try to move forward as a couple. I think perhaps a few months apart next year will help us to decide. He has also agreed to marriage counselling. It’s tough because we do still love each other very much, everything else is fine just not the sexual element. Fingers crossed for a happy resolution!

For your sake, I am glad that he is willing to work at the marriage. I can see why years trying to get pregnant can kill romance. However, a commitment is still a commitment. That is why people go through the effort of getting married. Marriage is not "only until you get bored." Clearly you know that and me preaching to the choir is a waste of your time. I hope that he is worth it. You sound like a kind, giving and forgiving person. You deserve the best and I hope your husband is the one who can give it to you. Maybe you should just give him the finger until he gets his act together and appreciates you properly. I'm sorry. It just makes me mad when I read that you are still trying (I'm fairly slim and take care of myself (wear makeup/perfume/nice clothes daily)) and he doesn't appreciate the care and consideration that takes.

 

[GreenPapaya]

Wow, I'm so very sorry to hear about everyone's troubles. Sending many hugs, strength and positive vibes. Your stories are so heartbreaking.
I'm just dealing with anxiety, insomnia and panic attacks. I had a daughter in 2005 who lived for an hour and a son in 2010 who lived for 9 days. It's so long ago and most of the time I'm fine, but I get so sad from time to time. I try not to think about it.
I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in 2011 and I'm still dealing with the pain of the mastectomy and reconstruction. Not to mention fatigue and brain fog sad I'm on tamoxifen now and I'm nauseous 80% of the time. It's like I'm getting the morning sickness I didn't get when I was pregnant. I need to get tested for BRCA so i can decide whether to get rid of my ovaries but I've been putting it off since i don't want to go see another doctor.
My dad has dementia and it's so hard. He can't be left alone and is dependant on my mom for everything.
A few months ago my sister's bf beat her so bad her brain swelled and almost a third of it had to be cut away. She just woke up last week and my heart hurts so much I can't go see her. I'm so scared.
My niece, daughter of above sister, left my mom's house when she turned 18 and we haven't heard from her since. She was 3 months from graduating high school. This was 2 years ago. Every where I go, every person I see living on the street, I look to see if it's her. I think of her everyday and pray that she's okay.

 

[Phoenix]

My heart aches for each and everyone of you!!

I have my fair share of marital and health issues and my dad seems to be falling apart, but my problems seem insignificant compared to what each one of you are going through.

Sending you all lots of {{HUGS}}. My thoughts are with you all.

 

[Phanie]

My husband walked out after 17 years of marriage.

Our 7 year old son seems to be handling it pretty well.

Sending you big hugs. I can't imagine being blinsided like this.

 

[TooPatient]

Wow, I'm so very sorry to hear about everyone's troubles. Sending many hugs, strength and positive vibes. Your stories are so heartbreaking.
I'm just dealing with anxiety, insomnia and panic attacks. I had a daughter in 2005 who lived for an hour and a son in 2010 who lived for 9 days. It's so long ago and most of the time I'm fine, but I get so sad from time to time. I try not to think about it.
I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in 2011 and I'm still dealing with the pain of the mastectomy and reconstruction. Not to mention fatigue and brain fog sad I'm on tamoxifen now and I'm nauseous 80% of the time. It's like I'm getting the morning sickness I didn't get when I was pregnant. I need to get tested for BRCA so i can decide whether to get rid of my ovaries but I've been putting it off since i don't want to go see another doctor.
My dad has dementia and it's so hard. He can't be left alone and is dependant on my mom for everything.
A few months ago my sister's bf beat her so bad her brain swelled and almost a third of it had to be cut away. She just woke up last week and my heart hurts so much I can't go see her. I'm so scared.
My niece, daughter of above sister, left my mom's house when she turned 18 and we haven't heard from her since. She was 3 months from graduating high school. This was 2 years ago. Every where I go, every person I see living on the street, I look to see if it's her. I think of her everyday and pray that she's okay.

I'm sorry you have so much pain going on in life.

Don't feel bad about still being sad about losing your babies. You will always be their mom. I have friends who also lost infants and it is normal for the pain to last. I wish I had something to say to make it easier. Just know that you aren't alone and what you are feeling is normal.

I hope you have someone in your every day life to help you through all of this.

 

[Phanie]

Thanks ladies, I truly appreciate your kind thoughts. I promise you he IS a wonderful caring man but obviously I’ve only shared the few current issues I’m dealing with. I’m very fragile and emotional right now but he is also very upset at the state of our marriage and feels responsible. Yes, the kids thing was hard, I suspect the 3 years of trying and failing is what killed the romance. I asked him to be honest and he was, now we can try to move forward as a couple. I think perhaps a few months apart next year will help us to decide. He has also agreed to marriage counselling. It’s tough because we do still love each other very much, everything else is fine just not the sexual element. Fingers crossed for a happy resolution!

I am glad to see this answer after your first post.
You are not just our appearance.
being home sick is hard.
Miscarriages are very difficult,e specially if you have been actively trying to be (and stay) pregnant. I had 4. very complicated so I can relate.
I think you are at a key turning point in your marriage.
So many things are changing or being put aside forever.
I got mad at him for what he says and do, then I stated to think that it is honorable to be honest even if this is not what the other person wants to hear (also I appreciate that he tried to have kids somewhat just or you as in the end he does not really want any, though it might be because trying to have one was quite difficult and changes things around).
I hope you can find a way to keep loving each other and stay together as marriage is a commitment very serious (fyi I am not religious but I believe in the vows people take). The fact that he is willing to go to counselling is a very good thing. I really hope you can find your way back to each other.