What if you SO doesn't "get" jewelry?

[Dreamer_D]

Issues like this are so interesting to me as a relationship psychologist. These types of negotiations really highlight so many dynamics we all deal with daily in marriage or long-term partnership. Negotiating shared finances, supporting your partner's passions and interests, being non-judgemental. Although the issue itself may seem simple, or even silly -- jewellery is inherently silly to me sometimes -- the negotiations and interactions that can occur around jewellery within relationships is really fascinating to me.

One other aspect of this issue that has not been raised is autonomy and control. I think sometimes spouses want to control things about one another that really are not theirs to control. Setting aside financial concerns or other "legitimate" reasons why one spouse may not want the other to indulge in a hobby, sometimes spouses will wield their approval or disapproval of one another's interests and hobbies purely as a means of control. As a means of making oneself feel more secure in the relationship by making oneself feel superior ("I am not foolish like SHE is spending money on jewels!"). Or, one spouse may try to control another because it gives them an illusion of safety and control in the relationship when they feel that their partner is following their wishes. Of course, these are bad behaviors in relationships. Among other things, undermining one's partner's autonomy -- their freedom to make choices, their ability to guide their own life -- severely undermines one's relationship. Not to mention the fact that judgement and contempt are absolute poison to love.

Anyways, it's never just about the jewellery in a relationship!

To answer your original question, my husband does not get it at all, but has grown to accept my hobby and supports it just as I support his.

 

[rosetta]

He doesn't do diamonds.

I don't do motorbikes, golf or running around in circles.

To each his own

 

[missy]

In the beginning he didn't "get" it but he was always supportive of my passions regardless of whether he shared them. So I was fortunate in that he always supported my quest for a redo/upgrade and never resented that I wanted to change my ER. And I did quite a few times. In fact during our engagement I changed it for the first time. Some people (many people haha) thought I was crazy but my dh (fiance at the time) was fully supportive (after a brief bewilderment as we were just engaged and he had no clue I would care so much and frankly neither did I) of me getting exactly what I wanted. However, at the time, I didn't know what I wanted and it took me a number of changes through many years to get exactly what I wanted and that was only because I was on a journey learning what ER would make my heart sing.

Most importantly we worked out the fact that if something matters to me then it matters to him and vice versa. We both feel that is an important concept in any healthy relationship (for us at least).

My dh has many passions and while I don't share them all I fully support his interests. Luckily we also share a number of passions which makes our spare time together very enjoyable but we also love our separate hobbies and all in all I think it makes for a rich diverse and nurturing relationship where we are each our own separate person and yet a team working together toward a collective goal if that makes any sense.

 

[gem_anemone]

I don't think that your SO necessarily has to "get" jewelry in order for you two to look at your financial situation and discuss the amount of money that can be spent on frivolous activities by each of you. I think that the amount doled out to each person and what it is spent on is up to each couple to decide amongst themselves, is different for every couple, and needs to be reasonable from both sides. I think there has to be a lot of open discussion on finances and expectation. I think the expectation of the lady should reasonably match the financial situation of the future household and that the man should also have some pride in his gift to the lady. It takes a lot of communication and compromise, but this is just the first in a series of many of these types of discussions the two of you will have over the years.

I am in a situation where my DH and I are not extremely well off, but we are not poor. We have frivolous spending money that we are able to spend as we please, but he and I both tend to buy things for the two of us to do with our disposable income (trips, shows, sporting events, etc.) Although it would be really cool to have a 2 ct ideal cut diamond ering, if I saved every bit of my money to purchase myself a new ering I don't think my DH would be pleased. I have read that some ladies on PS do that and their husbands are OK with it, but it wouldn't fly in my relationship. It's going to be up to you and your SO to decide what will and won't be acceptable spending habits in your relationship.

 

[princesss]

BF doesn't get it in the least. When I try to explain things, he focuses really, really hard and then comes out with takeaways like this:

So, you like cherry gold and talons and it has to have facets. Right?

Close enough, sweetie.


That said, he knows I like it and it makes me happy, and that I'm not going to love cheap maul jewelry, so he is pretty set on only getting me nice things once he can afford it and just skipping jewelry buying until then (okay by me, I'm a quality>quantity girl). When the purchases get bigger, I'm sure he'll become a little more hesitant to spend the money, but then the only thing that I wouldn't be comfortable buying for myself is an e-ring. After that...well, you put aside fun money for a reason, and every now and then "fun" = "sparkly". Not often (I'd rather travel), but as long as we can afford it, he doesn't have to "get" it because I'll be so busy admiring all the sparkles that I'll have tuned him out.

 

[Circe]

BF doesn't get it in the least. When I try to explain things, he focuses really, really hard and then comes out with takeaways like this:

So, you like cherry gold and talons and it has to have facets. Right?

Close enough, sweetie.

I actually laughed out loud, like the little internet man:

 

[JewelFreak]

BF doesn't get it in the least. When I try to explain things, he focuses really, really hard and then comes out with takeaways like this:

So, you like cherry gold and talons and it has to have facets. Right?

Close enough, sweetie.

I actually laughed out loud, like the little internet man:

+1

 

[princesss]

BF doesn't get it in the least. When I try to explain things, he focuses really, really hard and then comes out with takeaways like this:

So, you like cherry gold and talons and it has to have facets. Right?

Close enough, sweetie.

I actually laughed out loud, like the little internet man:

+1

You mean you don't get "OEC in simple rose gold solitaire with u-shaped prongs" from that?

After that conversation I just started sending him pictures.

 

[Laila619]

BF doesn't get it in the least. When I try to explain things, he focuses really, really hard and then comes out with takeaways like this:

So, you like cherry gold and talons and it has to have facets. Right?

Close enough, sweetie.

I actually laughed out loud, like the little internet man:

Ahhahahaha! Cherry gold and talons, lol.

 

[yoyosaidfeia]

I will share my story, and thanks for reading this...

My MR. only knew about carat weight, and he does not care anything fashion/accessories related and wants me to make all the decisions. He always says "that's looks good" ... "ok, let's buy it" ... "you know fashion more than I do, whatever you decide"...

When we first got married, we did not have a ring. He wanted to get a brand name for me, but had to wait to save up more. He told me he does not know how to pick out a ring, and we visited Tiffany or Harry Winston. To be honest, I didn't mind that "brand name" mentality. What girl doesn't want to be spoiled? I have done my own research before, and the ring I wanted would have been around $100k from those two places. I would not feel comfortable wearing a 100K ring when I am still in my 20's. And I rather use it on other things. Since he did not want to pick out the ring, and did not care about the style, I told him I'd rather buy a loose diamond and have it set instead. Not surprised, he said "ok, let's buy it". That's how we purchased my ring, almost two years after we got married. Saved a lot of money going this route.

 

[jaysonsmom]

My husband doesn't "get" jewelry, nor does he want to "get" it. However, he does "get" the fact that I love diamonds, they make me happy, and happy wife = happy life....So, with my e-ring and subsequent purchases, he just gives me a $ amount, and says knock yourself out! He takes great pride when people compliment my jewelry, or tells him that he did a great job....haha. Most of the time, all he does is wire the payment, or accompany me to pick up the finished product.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Then you must train him...

 

[JewelFreak]

Then you must train him...

Haha! No more than he's gonna train me about grille shape changes in Jaguars from 1962 to 63. Live & let live in this marriage!

 

[LaraOnline]

I've been married ten years to a darling fellow who doesn't understand jewellery, doesn't get why it's so expensive and tbh thinks it's pretty stupid all round. This is a guy who gave me $600 to rush out and buy my own engagement ring back when we got engaged!
So romantic! And ironically, it was coping with that experience that got me to PS.

So now I just get on with it, and leave him to his own devices! Yes I've upgraded from my original!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

Then you must train him...

I'm trying DF, I really am. But like Princess said, the finer points are lost. I can tell he really tries to pay attention, but it just doesn't compute for him. I equate it to when he tries to explain different rifles and calibers and what this bullet is based off of vs that one. I'll be honest, my eyes glaze over and my brain hurts. In rifles, it doesn't matter that I don't understand the nuances. I know it makes him happy. I think he's getting to the point where he sees jewelry as my equivalent of his rifles, but he's maybe not quite there yet.

 

[star sparkle]

My DH doesn't "get" it, but he fully supports my diamond hobby (and has done so ever since day 1 of our relationship). He's similar to many of the DH's here who can't tell the difference between different pieces, but he's at least learned from me that not all jewelry/stones are created equal. He has his hobbies, I have mine, and it works for us.

Also, while he is very sentimental about my original ering, and was fully supportive of my upgrade. He doesn't want me to ever get rid of my original (which is a-okay with me because I never want to get rid of it either!), but he is perfectly happy adding to the collection. We saved for my upgrade stone together and then I started freaking out when I came time to actually make the purchase, I started chickening out because of how much money it was. He was so soothing and told me it was fine because he knew how much I wanted it and how happy it would make me, and that he was 100% behind me getting it. It even got to the point where I was too scared/anxious/nervous to call the bank to arrange the wire to pay for it, so he took the vendor's bank info from me and casually picked up the phone and arranged to wire the funds himself.

When the stone arrived, he looked at it and casually said "that's nice." That's NICE?! Hahaha, yeah, he doesn't get it.

 

[LLJsmom]

I'll add my vote to the 'buy it yourself' list. Also, the comparison between jewellery and his expensive but pointless-to-you hobby is an excellent one.

"Honey, do you really need another piece of jewellery?"
"Darling, do you really need your BMW? I could just buy you a bus pass."
"I see honey, go ahead and enjoy."

Perfect response!!!!

 

[arkieb1]

Mine gets that glazed over look in the eyes and usually half way through me raving about a stone I saw or a setting I love or a day of looking in vintage jewellery shops (on my own) he usually either excuses himself and leaves the room to pretend to do something else or does go and do something else. I think the only thing he REALLY notices is the amount of money leaving the bank account to pay for sparkly objects.....