What if you SO doesn't "get" jewelry?

[nowicanseethemoon]

My guy and i have been talking about getting engaged which caused me to come to PS and do a bunch of research on diamonds, settings, and everything jewelry related. My guy doesn't really give two hoots about jewelry. He wants me to have something I love, but he doesn't have strong opinions (and in fact doesn't really like bling - i know, the horror). I also don't know if 5 or 10 years from now he'll be willing to invest in an upgrade. He just doesn't "get" it. I can't imagine he's the only guy who is this way, but I'm curious about it. If your SO didn't get it when you got engaged, did he come around at some point? Does he still not care and you just do what you want with your stone? Does he have an opinion and weigh in on your jewelry decisions?

 

[katharath]

My DH just doesn't care about my jewelry/gem addiction in the least. I love to collect and I'm always buying new things (mostly loose gems now as my collection focus changes), and I basically just do my own thing.

BUT, with that said: I'm never going to be able to upgrade my original ering. (I've been married 13.5 yrs, have known DH for about 18-19 yrs, we have one of those rather long stories about how we got together. Now, to be perfectly honest I don't really like diamonds much, I only have a few pieces with diamonds and all are quite small. For ex my ering is tcw about .5 ct with the center stone approx .30; my anniversary band is a five stone totaling .5 cts. What I LOVE and collect are CS; spinel, garnet, sapphire are my favorites, but I love many kinds of CS.

Anyway...I do my own thing with buying gems/jewelry, my DH very rarely tries to buy me any bc he just has no clue - even after our years together and all of the info I've (over) shared about what I like, he still doesn't get it. So a couple of years ago when I brought up upgrading my ering, I thought that he wouldn't mind one bit... boy was I wrong! He was completely shocked that I would ask, basically gasped in horror and said,"But we picked that out TOGETHER!!"

I was actually very surprised myself as he isn't sentimental at all about hardly anything, he's a very stoic sort of unemotional type. So when I immediately realized how serious he was, I told him that I was sorry for suggesting it and that I'd never bring it up again.

It's not that big of a deal really, if I wanted a different ring I'd just get one - I just can't touch THE ring. It's sad though bc it just sits in a box, I haven't worn it in years (at least 9?). But it wasn't expensive, only about $700-800, it was a mall store ring and the best DH could afford at the time as we were quite young then (he was 22, I was 19). I quit wearing it I guess actually about five years in, when I was pregnant with our oldest boy (we have two, ages 8 and 5). I wore my anniversary band for years after that as it was more to my taste; but then I made the switch to CS and now I wear a merelani Mint garnet for my "ering". DH doesn't even notice, lol. He's my best friend but so clueless about jewelry!!

***I hope this post is ok and answers at least some of the types of things you're looking for...this is only my second post over here (most of my posting is in CS), but I love Hangout! I read and lurk a lot and have decided that I'd like to delurk over here and get to know some of you nice people better . I thought this might be a good topic to sort of introduce myself over here and also give my opinion on your questions.

 

[rubyshoes]

DH has zero interest in jewelry. It's kinda mind-boggling to me, because I think a person could at least appreciate it for its sheer aesthetic value, ya know? I am not expecting him to ever ooh and ahh over my fancy pink diamond for example...but how someone cannot appreciate that delicate pink in a DIAMOND is beyond me. I used to feel a little bit hurt earlier, now I realize it's just his personality. He also doesn't "get" beautiful clothes/cars/architecture/watches etc... I gush over pretty cars, think T-Bird, Miata, Mini... he digs Subarus

He's never bought me jewelry, ever... I basically pick out what I like, we discuss its price etc and he either says to go for it or he says don't. But that's why I love PS. Where else will I get gushing responses if not on SMTB? I don't think he would ever say so out loud but I think he thinks jewelry is a big fat waste of time and money If he actually said that tho, I would take it personally.

 

[liaerfbv]

DH does not get jewelry and thinks it's a waste of money. We've been together for 11 years and I don't see that changing anytime soon. He supports it because he has his own expensive hobbies, but I don't ever expect him to buy me anything. I pick out what I want for an anniversary, birthday, etc. and he takes me out to dinner and gives it to me. Everybody wins!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

My husband has never cared about jewelry and after being married for 15 years, his lack of liking it isn't what is the problem but the lack of supporting that *I* do like it that has actually started to make me less sentimental about my eng ring and in fact, I'd not hesitate to take the diamond out and put it in another setting. I don't get how someone can be so anti-diamond, yet act like the wedding set means something (when he otherwise says diamonds are over-priced rocks). At this point, if I want something, I will buy it myself. There were mile-stone pieces a few years back, but I'm over that now. There's a few things I would like to get, so I'm saving and will buy on my own. I think when a guy is totally NOT into jewelry, it's better to avoid trying to turn any jewelry item into a gift from them (where they hand you $ and say pick it out yourself). That way if you want to reset it or sell, you can do so w/out any guilt or whatever.

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

You ladies made me laugh... and feel better about things. My guy is a complete sweetheart, but clueless about jewelry. He is trying on the whole engagement ring deal, but I think I kind of stress him out. I've told him that if he doesn't want me to tell him what I like, I won't, and he says he wants to know, but when I do his eyes glaze over and I swear I see little dollar signs in his eyes.

 

[Smith1942]

Hi Katharath!

And also hi to nowicanseethemoon!

Glad you asked this question. Your answer, Kath, about doing your own thing, is exactly what I do.

My family is not into bling, and neither is my SO. I've never been given anything except my 0.70 engagement ring which my husband would never upgrade, and he also doesn't believe in push presents, even though both he and I come from families with very respectable amounts of money - although that's more recent, in my case. I did inherit a sapphire ring worth about a thousand dollars, and a 9k watch from my grandmother, but that's it.

My family and my husband never buys gifts and my parents stopped supporting me when I left home at 18. I never had an allowance and although my rent was paid by my parents at university, which was only 250 pounds a month at that time, they didn't give me any money to live on. Also, the rent was paid in termtime only so I had to go straight home for every break.

What I'm trying to say is, now that I'm in my late thirties I have some lovely designer clothes, beautiful Folio Society books and - yes - LOTS of nice bling, but I have bought the entire lot myself. Therefore I feel OK about making those decisions. I do my own thing because if I waited for others to take note of what I'd like, I'd hardly have anything. There's a funny Christian conservative mentality where I'm from that says younger women shouldn't have nice things but should be busy sacrificing themselves tied to the kitchen stove, making do and mending, like they did when young during the war and had nothing nice. I don't know. They just don't get it, whether it's the beautiful cut of a Temperley jacket or the acid-fee vellum pages of a Folio book with specially-commissioned drawings from famous artists, or an amazing piece of bling that is both stunning, high quality and an amazing price.

They do, however, spend six-figure sums on cruises. Yes, you read that right. Six figures. Oh yes - and my mother's outfit for my wedding....cost more than my wedding dress. And although we don't approve of bling in our family, there was plenty of money for a Christian conservative big white wedding for my sister, the sort that follows me around in my nightmares. (My husband and I didn't want a big wedding but happy that my sis could have what she wanted, since she was very young when married and couldn't have paid for it herself.) I think it's a little odd how it's OK in my parents' eyes to spend all that money on one day but not to have a two carat super-ideal D VS1 diamond for the same money, which would last for hundreds and hundreds of years.

So, to answer your question about what to do when your SO - or others close - don't get jewellery, I do this: Get it myself! I'm responsible though, only spend what I can have and what I can afford, sums which don't interfere with our expenses, savings, or future, and I hunt down some really good bargains, like my preowned pristine Tiffany Etoile ring that was $650 instead of $2.5k. And my Cartier Entrelaces ring that was $450 instead of $1300.

Sorry about the long reply - I know you only asked about SOs. But for me, most people in my entire family, my husband and all my in-laws seem to be pretty much oblivious to the pleasures of owning lovely things, so it's all related - in my mind. Except my sister - she's a bit of a girl after my own heart, with her Tiffany and her Mulberry handbag collection!

Whenever my MIL sees me, she rakes me with her eyes and it takes her seconds to comment on any piece of jewellery, or whether I'm wearing my rings or not. My husband doesn't wear his ring as it needs sizing and he's not finished dieting. He stayed with her for two weeks and she never noticed. Me, she noticed immediately when we met up for dinner and I'd left my rings at home by mistake. I would never, ever be silly enough to let her know the true extent of my bling.

She has, however, in the past bought herself a mink coat which cost four thousand dollars about 25 years ago, dresses from Emilio Pucci and sports a massive diamond ring bought for her by her husband who left her in the Seventies. It's OK for her to have bling, but not me.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to pursue your bling dreams - within financial reason - because no one else will do it for you.

 

[kenny]

Sorry you got one of 'those' guys.
Mine is the opposite and he got me into diamonds.

I don't think it matters that he doesn't 'get' diamonds. (People vary, blah blah blah)

What does matter is that you do, and IMO it's important he understands there will be $$$ spent in the future on this passion of yours.
Now, whether the money is seen as coming from him, or you, or the collective relationship is kind of another topic but may influence his 'approval' on future jewelry purchases.
I think it's real important that you two to get on the same page NOW concerning this.
Diamonds are very expensive and seen as useless to some.
Money is a big deal in relationships, and differing expectations can blow up one day.

Perhaps he has an expensive passion you could compare it to, to help him relate.
If he can't respect your position it may be a red flag.

 

[Sky56]

My husband doesn't 'get' it either and has no interest in it, but it works because I am also supportive of his hobbies which I have no interest in, we respect each other so it works. His hobby I have no interest in creates happiness for me because we travel to a place for him to do his sporting stuff and I love the travel to it and the place. I sleep in while he gets up early to do his hobby and often I go shopping for second-hand treasures. He likes that I buy my own jewelry gifts for myself. Long ago, I had an ex-boyfriend who was very interested in jewelry and I kind of miss that aspect, it was fun to live with someone who was excited about gemstones though it didn't work out.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Yep, I'm of the similar situation as Smith re: my husband's side of the family, except there is one other with a very beautiful ring but she is part of the family, not married in, so it's ok. Either way, regardless of how much income anyone makes, there's tons of judgment on how it's spent. It's all unbalanced, though, so I'm of the opinion, they all just like to judge. If a person spends the money in a way they don't like, they talk crap, but you know, if anyone tries to buy stuff on sale or use coupons, the person is called cheap. It's just one of those dynamics you can't win in.

And, yes, buying items yourself is the best way. My husband and I like different things and he's often purchased electronics for me as gifts (ranging from $300-$1500) even after I had expressed I specifically wanted something else. He won't change, so I have!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

Sorry you got one of 'those' guys.
Mine is the opposite and he got me into diamonds.

I don't think it matters that he doesn't 'get' diamonds. (People vary, blah blah blah)

What does matter is that you do, and IMO it's important he understands there will be $$$ spent in the future on this passion of yours.
Now, whether the money is seen as coming from him, or you, or the collective relationship is kind of another topic but may influence his 'approval' on future jewelry purchases.
I think it's real important that you two to get on the same page NOW concerning this.
Diamonds are very expensive and seen as useless to some.
Money is a big deal in relationships, and differing expectations can blow up one day.

Perhaps he has an expensive passion you could compare it to, to help him relate.
If he can't respect your position it may be a red flag.

We do have different approaches to money, and we've been spending a lot of time talking about how we envision that working in our relationship and where and how we'll compromise (because I think compromise is a must in relationships). I recently compared my love of jewelry to his love of guns (hunting - rifles and shotguns) and I think for the first time he "got" it. So, while he may never share my love of the bling, maybe he can at least understand where I'm coming from. We're a work in progress, which is all we can do.

 

[baby monster]

DH thinks jewelry is a waste of money and attracts unwanted attention. This hasn't changed in 15 years so I don't expect him to come around in foreseeable future. But I have received jewelry gifts from him for major relationship milestones. I'm pretty sure he would've preferred to give me non-jewelry things but he knows my preferences .

 

[Sky56]

Yes, that is a good approach, and most likely you'll find that if you are supportive of his hobby, he will be of yours. I've helped my husband look for, advertise and buy and sell equipment for his hobby (he is clueless on how to attach pictures to a craigslist ad, for example). He is obsessed with his hobby and I have never said a negative word about it. I like how it makes him happy...and I've noticed he respects my "odd obsessions" too.

 

[Smith1942]

Yep, I'm of the similar situation as Smith re: my husband's side of the family, except there is one other with a very beautiful ring but she is part of the family, not married in, so it's ok. Either way, regardless of how much income anyone makes, there's tons of judgment on how it's spent. It's all unbalanced, though, so I'm of the opinion, they all just like to judge. If a person spends the money in a way they don't like, they talk crap, but you know, if anyone tries to buy stuff on sale or use coupons, the person is called cheap. It's just one of those dynamics you can't win in.

And, yes, buying items yourself is the best way. My husband and I like different things and he's often purchased electronics for me as gifts (ranging from $300-$1500) even after I had expressed I specifically wanted something else. He won't change, so I have!

Oh, yeah - my husband mainly buys me electronic items. Although, that's how I discovered the Kindle, which I love.

I agree about buying items yourself. Although sometimes it seems a pity that my items don't have more sentimental and romantic value, what it does mean is that everything I've bought is EXACTLY what I want. That's added up to a large collection of things that I truly adore - not always the case with gifts! And my husband's taste isn't the best, so.....

 

[katharath]

Yep, I'm of the similar situation as Smith re: my husband's side of the family, except there is one other with a very beautiful ring but she is part of the family, not married in, so it's ok. Either way, regardless of how much income anyone makes, there's tons of judgment on how it's spent. It's all unbalanced, though, so I'm of the opinion, they all just like to judge. If a person spends the money in a way they don't like, they talk crap, but you know, if anyone tries to buy stuff on sale or use coupons, the person is called cheap. It's just one of those dynamics you can't win in.

And, yes, buying items yourself is the best way. My husband and I like different things and he's often purchased electronics for me as gifts (ranging from $300-$1500) even after I had expressed I specifically wanted something else. He won't change, so I have!

Oh, yeah - my husband mainly buys me electronic items. Although, that's how I discovered the Kindle, which I love.

I agree about buying items yourself. Although sometimes it seems a pity that my items don't have more sentimental and romantic value, what it does mean is that everything I've bought is EXACTLY what I want. That's added up to a large collection of things that I truly adore - not always the case with gifts! And my husband's taste isn't the best, so.....

Thanks for the welcome, Smith

I know exactly what you mean about husbands and electronics, lol. My DH has helped me to stay somewhat current - I'd never have tried an iPhone if not for him, he "insisted" - I was stuck in the dark ages of phones. I also LOVE my kindle, I'm an obsessive reader, and I wouldn't have even tried one if not for him. I thought I would hate it! (I used to collect first editions and was a bit of a purist).

I guess it's good to have a DH whose interests differ from mine, and he does listen (albeit with glazed eyes) when I'm showing him my latest gem.

 

[Circe]

First off, this is a great topic! Second, welcome NICStM! And, third, thanks for raising a topic so great it also brings others out of lurking - hi, Katharath!

My husband totally doesn't "get" jewelry. I think at one point, I posted a side-by-side shot of my messed-up-during-refurb setting and my new-and-improved setting: I needed his help to get the shots side-by-side in a single frame in Photoshop. "Wait ..." he said, "... those aren't the same ring?"

Bad enough that he couldn't tell those two apart, but on an given day, he can't tell whether I'm wearing my original engagement ring or my anniversary ring! Some of the bigger differences:

- one is 1.5 carats and the other is 2.5 carats,
- one is a modern RB and one is a transitional
- one has fishtail prongs and one has a box head
- one has baguette sidestones and one has bezeled marquise sidestones

... and so on and so forth. He literally cannot tell them apart. If we're having an argument about aesthetics, sometimes I ask him to guess. I win, every time.

But he DID happily spring for them both, because he knows that jewels make me ridiculously happy, and while he might not get the "how" or "why," he's a goal oriented person, so ... bling. (It's on much the same principle that I buy him tickets to things like "Book of Mormon" and then sit through them while mentally reorganizing my workbench.) The hardest part was probably accepting, on my end, that he really didn't have an opinion, and that I'd be choosing by myself. Given the results, though, I'm happy! I think so long as your respective expectations are on the same page, not just regarding the outcome, but also the process, you'll be fine.

P.S. - Despite our choosing my original e-ring together, with me doing all the footwork, when I thought about maybe doing a reset, it turned out he WAS hugely sentimental about it. Go figure! He might not be able to pick it out of a line-up, but it still means something in terms of emotional symbolism. In a way, I sort of love that ....

P.P.S. - Pics of the two he can't tell apart below. Seriously, just does not get it.

 

[JewelFreak]

My DH also has NO interest in gems or jewelry. He has never bought me jewelry, thank heaven. It wouldn't be anything I'd get caught dead wearing, lol.

He does understand, but it took some discussion & comparison of his mad passion for vintage cars to mine for gems & jewelry. Eventually he got there -- and I can tell, when I go nuts for a new stone, that he's pleased I'm happy, though he hasn't the foggiest why I walk around gazing cross-eyed at a little green rock. But I don't get why he's thrilled to death that a week's research turned up the shape of a tail light on some racing Maserati in 1959.

It's healthy for couples to have differing interests. Just as he wouldn't try to make me love soccer, I don't see why he should love gems. I'd much rather buy my own & be delighted with it. He'd rather I buy my own & not involve him in something he doesn't care about. That does not make me feel cheated at all.

It's a matter of mutual respect, I guess.

--- Laurie

PS -- Circe, you are so cute!! I think I love your jewelry-tone-deaf DH too!

 

[nowicanseethemoon]

P.S. - Despite our choosing my original e-ring together, with me doing all the footwork, when I thought about maybe doing a reset, it turned out he WAS hugely sentimental about it. Go figure! He might not be able to pick it out of a line-up, but it still means something in terms of emotional symbolism. In a way, I sort of love that ....

P.P.S. - Pics of the two he can't tell apart below. Seriously, just does not get it.

Well, they're both round... So maybe that's enough for him.

I know my guy will be sentimental about my e-ring (when we get there), but won't be able to describe it or pick it out of a lineup. I have a pair of round Songea sapphires for earrings and a 4 ct. cornflower blue oval sapphire and he thought they looked like the same color. Seriously, two are green, one is blue. Clueless. Although in his defense, don't ask me about the differences in his rifles... they all just look the same to me.

 

[Enerchi]

This is toooo funny!! I think we are all married to the same man - or a variation of the same man!! My DH is the same - even tho he's been dragged thru SEVERAL jewelry shops/offices in NYC, Chicago, LV and San Diego --- to him, they are all the same... say wa-HUT?!?! They are NOT all the same - there are nuances that only the initiated appreciate (that would be US!) while the uninitiated (that would be THEM!) remain boggled that all diamonds are not the same.

I stop and show him myriads of different designs, cuts, colours... "dont you already have that one?" he says in all seriousness... No but if I *did* own that, then my collection would be complete, see, so that's why I need to get *THIS VERY THING RIGHT NOW*... kwim??? Then DH just looks at me blankly, humphs and says, whatever, if you want it just buy it.

And this my friends, is what keeps me married to this jewelry-clueless man!! I can have anything I want... if I can afford it that is, which is the sucky part of my dreams/wants/desires.

But that's how I handle it - he does NOT get it just like I don't get his fascination w cooking/bbqing/recipes/restaurants/new kitchen appliances and pots and other silly useless things that he goes all nuts over (really?? a pot? this will fulfill all your fantasies to own this pot?? um... ya... sure... go for it) so because we live in different fantasy lands, I buy my stuff and he buys his stuff (and never the twain shall meet! oh, different story, never mind...!) Bummer that his are FAR more affordable than mine!

on the upside tho, he has certainly enjoyed and been fascinated by our visits to IDJ, LJN, DBL, DZ, H Moradi, Cartier, Harry Winstons, Van Cleef & Arpels and appreciates the beauty in the treasures we have seen -and he's super patient to photograph them for me... but that's where it ends. He wears a plain gold band and there's no way in this life time, that will ever be refurbished w the milgraining it once had in 1985, or will he ever add a diamond do it. Nope, not gonna happen.

So I suck it up and bling for the both of us! Just the kind of 'giving' I do on a regular basis... yup, that's me - I'm darn near "saint-like", I'm just gonna say!

 

[SB621]

My DH has become better with it as I have gotten more interested in it. When I told him I wanted to upgrade from my 2ct MRB to something over 4cts antique cushion he didn't even blink an eye. I think he is just happy to see my happy and involved in something that is wholly me. Though I'm sure he wishes I had a cheaper hobby

 

[JaneSmith]

I'll add my vote to the 'buy it yourself' list. Also, the comparison between jewellery and his expensive but pointless-to-you hobby is an excellent one.

"Honey, do you really need another piece of jewellery?"
"Darling, do you really need your BMW? I could just buy you a bus pass."
"I see honey, go ahead and enjoy."

 

[junebug17]

Lol Enerchi!!

Add my dh to the list of men who just don't quite get it! The night before my OEC from JbEG was due to arrive I said to my husband "I'm so excited about this that I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight!" and I remember he looked at me with this very puzzled expression on his face and with a slight smile said "Really????" Obviously he just couldn't relate! And when I brought up getting a new setting, he again looked at me like I was just a little bit crazy! He doesn't understand my love of diamonds, but he's been a good sport in going along with it. He's never indicated that he thinks diamond jewelry is a waste, because he sees how happy it makes me, but I'm sure that he must inwardly shake his head at the expense. But we're an older couple, and can now afford some extras, so I think it makes him happy for me to have a few nice things at this point in our lives.

 

[partgypsy]

I think there are a lot of women who frequent pricescope exactly for this reason, they have a spouse that does not get it.

But, at this point in our lives, at least he is respectful of it, and I keep it within reason (I took a break for a few years).
I do feel that couples do need to be on the same page financially, budget-wise, but beyond that there is no reason a spouse should be disrespectful of the other partner's choices. Recently my husband asked how much he could spend on new itunes a month (he is frugal spending on himself), and I said I don't know, 20-40 dollars? And I'm getting to listen to and enjoy a lot of new good music.

I do miss that I don't have someone to shop with. My SIL and MIL don't seem to have much judgment about it, in fact I think they were a little disappointed when I stopped they enjoyed it vicariously, and always show me if they have a new jewelry piece (I'm the unofficial expert).

 

[Dancing Fire]

My wife wears what ever I buy for her. She have no idea about the specs.

 

[chrono]

DF,
You buy nice stuff so it's all good.

My DH bought me a synthetic sapphire pendant because it looked really pretty. Well, sure it does, because it's made in the lab, not that he was even aware of that. DH doesn't under gems and gemstones but he buys beautiful jewellery and picks the most gorgeous gold pieces for me. I buy my own gemstones because I am fussier and he doesn't mind at all. He has his own interests and I have mine.

 

[Gypsy]

We're in the "you have your hobbies and I have mine" camp.

My Dh doesn't have to apprecaite jewelry. Just has to respect that I do.

As for 'supporting' an upgrade. Like anything else, you need to save up for an upgrade. So... do it. No need for him to support it, or pay for it. Just start putting funds aside now and upgrade out of those funds when you can afford it.

 

[gemdandy]

This has actually become a very sensitive subject for me and SO. When I want to purchase jewelry, I feel judged by SO who not only doesn't "get" my fascination, but feels that spending money on jewelry is foolish. I have actually said, "Do you feel that I deserve nothing in the world?" I don't know, it just felt so personal in that moment.

 

[m-2-b]

DH's usual half joking response is "ooohh, it's costing me $$$ every time you look on that forum (ie, PS)!"

 

[Laila619]

We're in the "you have your hobbies and I have mine" camp.

My Dh doesn't have to apprecaite jewelry. Just has to respect that I do.

As for 'supporting' an upgrade. Like anything else, you need to save up for an upgrade. So... do it. No need for him to support it, or pay for it. Just start putting funds aside now and upgrade out of those funds when you can afford it.

Yes, ditto. My DH is big into fantasy football and baseball. I think it's silly, but whatever, his hobby.

 

[Gypsy]

This has actually become a very sensitive subject for me and SO. When I want to purchase jewelry, I feel judged by SO who not only doesn't "get" my fascination, but feels that spending money on jewelry is foolish. I have actually said, "Do you feel that I deserve nothing in the world?" I don't know, it just felt so personal in that moment.

If you will forgive me for saying so... it doesn't sound like the problem is jewelery. It sounds like the problem is something in your relationship, and the jewelry is the symptom.

Which stinks! ((HUGS))