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What does your SO think about your appearance?

Discussion in 'Hangout' started by jaysonsmom, May 27, 2014.

  1. ckrickett
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ckrickett » May 29, 2014
    When we first started dating I was FIT thin (flat stomach, great legs) then I got on contraceptives to help stop some bad cycles, and it literally destroyed me. I gained 80 in like 3 1/2 months, and put on even more due to my metabolism being fried. UGH! Been actively trying to get it off for 2 years now, it's gone up although I eat healthy and exercise!

    I know that my SO isn't "happy" about it. We swim, we run, we eat clean, but I'm not who I was. I guess even though he isn't happy it was AFTER I gained all the weight that is when he proposed, and we are together and strong , and in love. He may not make me feel like a pretty princess, but he is supportive in me getting healthy, and he isn't degrading. And I admire him for that. That is what i NEED.
     
  2. purplesparklies
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    by purplesparklies » May 29, 2014

    Might you have an un/under treated thyroid issue? I am hypothyroid and was treated with conventional meds for years with zero positive results. I have experienced amazing, life changing results when I found a doctor who was willing to consider non-mainstream treatments. I would never have been able to lose weight if I hadn't started receiving proper treatment.
     
  3. ckrickett
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ckrickett » May 30, 2014
    I've seena a few doctors about this, and thats what they thought, but the few tests they did were inconclusive. Is there anything specific I should ask for? Any test or treatment I should look into.
     
  4. Nyc2chigal
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Nyc2chigal » May 30, 2014

    Oh? and what about his appearance?
     
    


    


  5. Nyc2chigal
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Nyc2chigal » May 30, 2014
    My husband has known me from stick thin to gigantic. And I mean a huge difference in weight, like almost 100 lbs (yeah...seriously).
    His affections never really changed, but he does worry about me because he knows I am miserable being overweight (tired, achy, insecure about how I look, etc).

    He keeps himself in shape, and if he were to slip and gain 5 lbs, he modifies his diet and loses them.
    He's a lot more disciplined than I am, obviously.
     
  6. aljdewey
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    by aljdewey » May 30, 2014
    ckrickett, is your gain mostly through the mid-section (i.e. apple shaped)? If so, you may want to see if you can be tested for PCOS.
     
  7. purplesparklies
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    by purplesparklies » May 30, 2014
    Thyroid issues can be incredibly complicated. I tried countless doctors over too many lost years before I found one who was truly knowledgable and able to help me. Changed my life. I am hypothyroid. I have PCOS. I used to have sleep apnea due to excessive weight. No more apnea. :) :) :)

    I would start educating yourself so you know how to advocate for yourself. Start here: http://thyroid.about.com..
    This site has a search for recommended doctors. Doctors who are willing to consider possibilities outside of the current mainstream treatments. Another place to search for a doctor would be wilsonssyndrome.com. I have that. Even if you do not, the doctors listed there are likely to be able/willing to help you with treatments outside of big pharma options. There is a ton of info out there and it is overwhelming. My advice is to never stop advocating for yourself. You can and should feel better. I dieted and exercised to no avail for years. Getting my thyroid regulated was the key to unlocking my bodies ability to function correctly and allow the weight to go. Didn't make it easy. Was not a miracle pill. Did allow my hard work to reap results.

    The doctor who truly saved my life has since passed away, unfortunately. I now see a doctor who is a 2+ hour drive for me. :-/ Yes, seriously. Thankfully, she only requires an in-person visit once per year and I can do interim appointments via the phone. There is a major endocrinologist shortage. They are over scheduled and few specialize in thyroid. Those who do are nearly impossible to get into. General practitioners do not have the in-depth thyroid knowledge to adequately treat all of the many thyroid needs.

    I take a high quality b-complex vitamin. I recommend an iodine supplement. Lots of research out there about iodine and thyroid. I take Iodoral. My body does not process the typical thyroid meds so years of taking the meds gave me zero benefit. In a nutshell, most people's bodies will take the meds (Synthroid, etc.) to give the body T4 for the body to turn into T3, which it can use. My body doesn't change it. Therefore, I just had ever increasing T4. Now I take a compounded T3 which my body desperately needed all along. Amazing difference. I can't even express to you the impact.

    Sorry to have rambled on but I hope you can take something from all of this and find answers for you.
     
  8. minidancer
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    by minidancer » May 30, 2014
    Jaysonsmom, I hope your DH stops making hurtful comments about your appearance... I know what it's like to have women in your friends/ family circle who are all teensy tiny! That pressure is enough. I also know what it's like to be part of a culture where people are just less sensitive about pointing out your weight.

    Still, there is no excuse for your DH's comments, whether he is self-conscious about the income situation, macho, whatever. I'm hoping that once your DH realizes how hurtful those comments are, you never have to hear them again. You are beautiful :)

    My DF knows I am pretty conscious about my weight, so he never makes negative comments about it. He tells me regularly that I am beautiful, especially when I'm being lazy and not dressed up/wearing make up. I have lost some weight since we've been together, but I do feel that he would love me at any size.
     
  9. MishB
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    by MishB » Jun 1, 2014
    My weight has fluctuated during our relationship, right now I'm probably 15 kgs (30-35 lbs?) heavier than I was when we first met. Mostly due to his excellent cooking.... :/

    However, my husband fully supports me during each diet, eats with me whatever I need to eat, exercises with me at my pace even though it must drive him mad.

    But he has never once, in 13 years ever made any mention of my weight, not one negative comment, not one.

    His answer to 'how do I look' is always 'beautiful' and he often gives unsolicited compliments such as turning to me in the car and saying 'you look so pretty today'.

    We've just come back from a month long holiday in Europe during which we ate and drank everything in site. I've probably gained close to 10 lbs, he's put on maybe 4. But he's horrified because he's a very keen cyclist and usually whippet thin. So he wants to get the weight off quickly. I've horrified myself by making comments such as (when he ate a third piece of chocolate slice) 'What about that spare tyre you are trying to get rid off??' and pinching his 'muffin top'. If he'd said anything like that ever to me I would have been in tears. Me bad. :(
     
  10. JaneSmith
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    by JaneSmith » Jun 1, 2014
    I've been back and forth about replying here, but I'm in a 'f*ck it' kind of mood, so here goes.

    OP, your husband is acting like an arse. Tell him to cut it out.

    My husband has told I'm beautiful exactly three times in over a decade. Each time it was because I was digging for a compliment, and each time it was said like a twelve year old embarrassed boy. "You're boo-ti-ful". Each time I felt stupid for asking, as it was obvious he was forcing it. Needless to say, it has been years and years since I made that mistake.
    No one I ever dated has called me beautiful. I don't recall my parents ever calling me beautiful.

    My husband is not supportive. He is rarely thankful for anything I do, like working long hours, caring for my daughter, housekeeping, cooking. I will serve a delicious meal, something I know he loves, and he will just eat and maybe mumble thanks at the end. The same meal served by someone else will elicit moans of enjoyment and comments on how delicious it is.
    I made the mistake of telling him how I had a goal of running a half marathon and he laughed in my face and said I don't even run. I had started a running program a few weeks prior, but he didn't know and hadn't noticed.
    I tidied up our bookshelves that were seriously disordered, with stacks of books on the floor, and his response was not to thank me for my full day of solid work, it was to say 'how come my (4) textbooks are on the floor?" They were the only thing left on the floor, and I had stacked them so they were on display. I had also done a top to bottom on the whole house. Not a word from him.
    There are much more hurtful things he has done, but these are good examples of the general day-to-day crap.

    He is not a complete all-around arse. We enjoy a few of the same things, and can share a laugh here and there.
    I think I have become a stronger person over the years, I rely on myself and expect very little from him. No more disappointment if I don't expect support. I do things for myself, I care for my own opinion, I don't share things I know will elicit scorn.
    The one and only time he was supportive was when I told him I had lost 10kg. He hadn't noticed, but said "I'm proud of you".

    His reactions are part obliviousness, part inability to express himself to me, part lack of respect for me. He has no problem praising others.

    I am fairly certain that he was still available at his age for a reason. He is ten years older than I. He showed a lot more interest in me when we were dating ... duh. :lol:
    I am also fairly certain that he is married to the idea of marriage and kids rather than the reality of deeply knowing and loving another person, and sharing a life together. He is certainly a less than stellar father, but that is a post for another time.

    I am basically with him because I still love him (stupid heart!), and I think that if he can just have a little insight into his own thoughts and feelings and loosen the f*ck up, he'll blossom not just as a husband, but as a human being. I also want my daughter to have both parents together.

    Well, now it's on the Internet. Huzzah.
     
    


    


  11. LLJsmom
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    by LLJsmom » Jun 1, 2014
    Jane you are very brave, strong and resilient to have gone through what you did, still do, and to share about. I wish you the best and hope that all your hopes for your husband and relationship come to fruition some day.
     
  12. missy
    Super_Ideal_Rock

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    by missy » Jun 2, 2014
    Jane, I agree. That is one heck of a brave and soul baring post. I hope it was cathartic for you to post this. I wish for you whatever you wish for yourself at this stage and I hope he can live up to the potential you see for him. Sending you big (((hugs))). Your family is lucky to have you.
     
  13. moneymeister
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    by moneymeister » Jun 2, 2014
    I would certainly talk to him about it. Give him the benefit of the doubt and hopefully he will realize he is hurting you. If he continues, I would recommend counseling (it helped me, at least). We can't change men to be nicer unless it is in the heart of the man to be nice. So I suppose you would need to figure out the next step that makes sense to you. I sincerely hope you can work through this. A 10 lb weight gain is absolutely negligible and certainly does not entitle a spouse to be so insulting. It would not at 100 lbs, to be honest. It would be one thing if he spoke with you about his feelings or worries in a loving and honest manner, but little put downs are a very precarious threat to a relationship and emotional health.

    I'm getting engaged soon. My boyfriend is patient and willing to give me extra reassurance when I need it. As I am 49, I see wrinkles that scare me sometimes :) He tells me I can get as wrinkled as an old prune, he loves me for me. Which is good, because we usually do not get smoother with age.

    My ex was abusive. I remember the day he looked at me and sneared "you're disgusting". It was the last straw after 9 years of issues and the little bit of light and hope I carried died. He was a very cold and unloving man in general. Here is the other part of the story. Before I left, he told me no one would every want ot love me. I was too disgusting, fat, ugly, stupid to be loved. On the day I left, I was dry eyed, having mourned and begged for his love for years. He sat in his chair crying. Two years later he had still not began dating. I was having a certified ball (for an old, unlovable, ugly, undatable woman).
     
  14. ckrickett
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ckrickett » Jun 2, 2014
    a lot has been midsection, but also my legs.
     
  15. ckrickett
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ckrickett » Jun 2, 2014
    This!
     
    


    


  16. ckrickett
    Ideal_Rock

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    by ckrickett » Jun 2, 2014
    Thank you! will definitely check this out.

    I am not looking for a miracle. I eat healthy and exercise but my body is not healthy for it.
     
  17. Stephny691
    Shiny_Rock

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    by Stephny691 » Jun 3, 2014
    Me an my FI have been together going on 9 years. I've lost weight, actually gotten interested in make up, hair, nails and how I dress. You could see my FIs ribs when we starting dating because he was seriously underweight.
    Now (thanks to my cooking :lol: ) he's put on a good amount of weight and thanks to the beer he's even got a pudgy tummy and I love him for it. I make comments on his beer belly but not of the 'are you gonna lose that?' variety, more of the 'it's adorable and I love it' variety. He moans that he hate how he looks and I tell him I think he's gorgeous- because I do. I'm a vain cow, if I didn't find him physically attractive- sorry but I'd be gone. He makes comments on my big butt but again not the 'urgh gross' kind but the 'yeah, :appl: ' kind lol.

    We've both changed in how we look but we would never criticise each other for it, I can't STAND when partners are mean or cruel to each other because the other one doesn't look how THEY think they should look.

    My FMIL husband is a bit like this, he doesn't actually mean it nastily, but he's constantly asking her 'when are you going to the gym, are you going for a run' or poking her tummy and making comments. And I think it's his way of trying to encourage her to be healthy, but at the same time, she's a very active woman (MUCH more so than me, I'm a lazy sod), she eats very healthily, I've known her for going on 9 years and she's basically been dieting the whole time to try and shift the weight off her stomach. And it galls me that she makes herself miserable by trying to get rid of something that she's not going to get rid off without lipo (genuinely, this is the way her body is built, she lost a stone and still had the tummy).

    Ok what I'm trying to say, is that, my FI tells me I'm beautiful, just the way I am with no adjustments needed. Her husband does compliment her, but with the caveat that there's room for improvement and I think this really affects how she sees herself. She's beautiful the way she is, she's fit and healthy (she's run THREE marathons for crying out loud!)

    I think when you've been in a relationship for awhile you sometimes forget just how much the things you say can hurt the other person.
    Ok I'm just gonna shut up now.
     
  18. JaneSmith
    Brilliant_Rock

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    by JaneSmith » Jun 8, 2014
    Thank you LLJsmom, Missy, and ckrickett. Your wonderful sentiments are much appreciated. :))
     
  19. NTave
    Shiny_Rock

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    by NTave » Jun 9, 2014
    My SO is relatively new..a few years now, so he still thinks I'm lovely..he makes sure to tell me he thinks I'm beautiful several times a week, he notices when I make myself up. I still don't always feel great about my body, especially since I stopped running 6 months ago, but he is attracted to me. That feels pretty good.
     
  20. Kelinas
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    by Kelinas » Jun 9, 2014
    I was 99 pounds when I got married almost 5 years ago.
    DH told me everyday that I was gorgeous, I was beautiful.
    Maintained it until I started getting Depo shots. Then boom, went up to 150. On my body frame, that's really ugly. As if I didn't know, and if I wasn't depressed over it myself, the a**hole would make comments like "oh so you're going to really become a lazy, fat milso huh? "

    I got the divorce paperwork the next day.

    I don't mess around with that. It was hard enough with my family and friends trying to support me through it, but to have someone who's supposed to love you, say that sort of sh*t? No.


    He never made a comment like that again.

    I lost the weight after my depo finally wore off, took about 8 months
    It took better eating, tooooooooons of water, and daily walks/ runs and boatload of stress but I got most of it off.
    Now I'm sitting at 130, and okay with it.

    And I know the comment about fat milsos will offend some people. I don't mean any offense. I was just saying what DH said. And FWIW, that was a really bad time in the marriage. He would have said anything and everything to piss me off back then.
     
  21. LLJsmom
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    by LLJsmom » Jun 9, 2014
    Kelinas, you rock girl!! [​IMG]
     
  22. gem_anemone
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    by gem_anemone » Jun 12, 2014
    I just had a baby and my DH has never made me feel gross or ugly. While I have lost most of the baby weight already (10lb to go...) I still don't look exactly as I did before pregnancy. That said I think it would be out of character for my DH to make me feel bad about myself on purpose.

    DH and I lead an active, social lifestyle and we eat relatively healthy. I've never put on a lot of weight or started not caring about my appearance. If I did it either of those things it would be out of character for me. If DH was turned off by me due to my lack of maintaining my appearance I feel that DH would have grounds to mention something to me as long as he was nice about it. I feel that it is sort of our duty as married people to keep ourselves attractive for our mates. At times DH and I have discussed each other's weight, hairstyles, clothing etc. that we like or don't like. We are both sensitive to each other's feelings and also each other's needs, so I feel that even if DH was sick of me for some reason we could communicate through it without getting nasty. Then again he has never been grossed out by me that I know of, so maybe that is why he is always nice. :lol:
     

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