What does your SO think about your appearance?

[jaysonsmom]

I guess this is a sequel to the threads about being saitisfied about one's own appearance....

I'll start. You know that saying that no matter how good-looking someone is, there's always someone who is tired of him/her?
That pretty much sums up how dh feels about me IMO. He doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy, or pretty. My never tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes fun of my double chin (during times of the month), or my love handles, and last week he slapped my hand away from his plate and told me to stop eating because I was getting "chubby". I'm still fuming from this comment! I've gained 10 lbs since our wedding day 14 years ago and 2 kids later!

 

[packrat]

Well...hmm...if my husband did or said any of that he'd get a barrage of four letter words and maybe a foot up his ass. *I* have gained about FORTY pounds since we got married 13.5 years and two kids ago. I weigh now what I did when I went into labor w/London. You don't encourage someone to want to lose weight or get in shape by telling them they're getting chubby or making fun of them and it makes me mad to hear that.

JD can plainly see that I've gained weight. I don't even look like the same person, and I fully admit it. I have no sex drive. JD deals w/it. He's still the same w/me as he always has been, however, grabbing at me, always hugs and kisses, always says I love you.

 

[Laila619]

I guess this is a sequel to the threads about being saitisfied about one's own appearance....

I'll start. You know that saying that no matter how good-looking someone is, there's always someone who is tired of him/her?
That pretty much sums up how dh feels about me IMO. He doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy, or pretty. My never tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes fun of my double chin (during times of the month), or my love handles, and last week he slapped my hand away from his plate and told me to stop eating because I was getting "chubby". I'm still fuming from this comment! I've gained 10 lbs since our wedding day 14 years ago and 2 kids later!

That's horrible!

 

[Laila619]

My hub always makes me feel like I'm some gorgeous model, even though I have gained a lot of weight since our wedding day (multiple pregnancies in a short period of time). Bless his heart!

 

[Maisie]

I'm definitely more chubby than I was when we got married. My husband tells me I'm beautiful every day. Not that I believe him but it's nice to hear it. I think he wears his love goggles when he looks at me

 

[missy]

Jaysonsmom, I am so sorry your husband behaves like this.

Is it his way of teasing you? Is that how he always acted (in the past) kidding around but not really meaning it? I mean, we are not in your relationship so maybe we are interpreting this differently than he means it?

I would be devastated and then really pissed off if my dh ever acted like that.
My dh always says how beautiful I am even when I am not looking my best. He loves me and when he sees me he sees the real me not the outer appearance me.

In any case I would not let him get away with this because it makes you feel badly and that is enough reason to stop this ASAP. Comments like that could cause eating disorders in susceptible people. And I hope your kids are not within earshot of these (IMO disrespectful) comments. I am sure your dh is not a perfect specimen himself and even if he was he has no right to make comments like those. (((Hugs))) and I am glad you are a self confident individual and do not take these comments to heart but definitely time to set him straight.

 

[junebug17]

Jaysonsmom, I hope you can somehow get your husband to stop doing and saying those things - they are hurtful and mean. He shouldn't be saying things like that to the woman he loves. Btw, I have seen a picture you recently posted of yourself, and I can safely say your husband is officially cray-cray. You're gorgeous, and I mean it.

I feel sorry for my husband sometimes because I have lost a lot of my looks (we've been together since I was 16, I'm almost 54) but, bless his heart, he still tells me I'm pretty, that I look nice, hugs me a lot, and still seems to be physically attracted to me.

 

[missy]

Jaysonsmom, I hope you can somehow get your husband to stop doing and saying those things - they are hurtful and mean. He shouldn't be saying things like that to the woman he loves. Btw, I have seen a picture you recently posted of yourself, and I can safely say your husband is officially cray-cray. You're gorgeous, and I mean it.

I feel sorry for my husband sometimes because I have lost a lot of my looks (we've been together since I was 16, I'm almost 54) but, bless his heart, he still tells me I'm pretty, that I look nice, hugs me a lot, and still seems to be physically attracted to me.

Oh Junebug! You are beautiful (inside and out!) and your dh is a lucky man to have you in his life from such a young age.

 

[jaysonsmom]

I'm so glad that so far all of you have SO's that think you're beautiful and show it! I don't know if it is an Asian (macho) thing, but my husband and other male family members are always sitting around talking about how they would never accept a wife who "let themselves go" and went as far as saying that things like weight gain should be added in a pre-nup as a deal breaker. Needless to say, my brother's wife and all my cousin's wives are the stick-thin type...they married stick-thin women who have fast metabolisms! I, unfortunately did not get the stick-thin gene, and due to comments about my body, I feel very insecure around my hubby, and have zero sex drive too. He says these things, and then wonders why I never want to have him touch me.

 

[ForteKitty]

Didn't you say he used to be very muscular and built, but have let himself go and is now very skinny and weak looking? How would he like to be reminded of that?

 

[LLJsmom]

Jaysonsmom, you look wonderful. I saw your pic in the other thread. Don't take this the wrong way but what is wrong with your husband?!? How can be say such things about you, the mother of his children? You are beautiful. I hope you know that. I hope he's just kidding, but even if kidding I would be more than offended. Is this an issue or do you just deal with it? Either way, know that you beautiful.

If my husband said that to me, he would have a NEW one. I'm with packrat. I hope he mends his ways. Not to cause dissension between you two, but you deserve to be treated with more respect and consideration. My 2c.

My DH is going through puberty again and is after me all the time and complementing me and makes me feel loved and desired. He's Asian too and it has only gotten more intense over the 17 years of marriage and 2 kids. I guess I'm lucky.

 

[woofmama]

Jaysonsmom in the pics you've posted on here you're very pretty & in great shape! Shame on him for trying to degrade you

My ex-husband was extremely degrading to me. I was the main breadwinner, worked hard, had a fabulous career & took good care of myself. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, I was on bed rest from 5 months into the pregnancy. Went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, which left no time for working out. After 2 years of being called a fat-ass by him I joined the gym.
Lost 50 lbs and filed for divorce. Adios a-hole I never looked back. We divorced 20 yrs ago. I am happily remarried. He is still alone. Karma is a b**ch.

I stayed in great shape until a couple of years ago when a health issue stopped my workouts. My DH knows damn well not to flap his jaws.

If this is something new, I would seriously call him on it. Have you tried to tell him to stop? Do you criticize him?
I would tell him he is undermining your feelings for him and that is a very bad road to go down.

 

[LLJsmom]

Jaysonsmom in the pics you've posted on here you're very pretty & in great shape! Shame on him for trying to degrade you

My ex-husband was extremely degrading to me. I was the main breadwinner, worked hard, had a fabulous career & took good care of myself. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, I was on bed rest from 5 months into the pregnancy. Went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, which left no time for working out. After 2 years of being called a fat-ass by him I joined the gym.
Lost 50 lbs and filed for divorce. Adios a-hole I never looked back. We divorced 20 yrs ago. I am happily remarried. He is still alone. Karma is a b**ch.

I stayed in great shape until a couple of years ago when a health issue stopped my workouts. My DH knows damn well not to flap his jaws.

If this is something new, I would seriously call him on it. Have you tried to tell him to stop? Do you criticize him?
I would tell him he is undermining your feelings for him and that is a very bad road to go down.

Bravo woofmama!!!

 

[LLJsmom]

Just had to say jaysonsmom, don't believe him!! Don't let those comments get you down on yourself. My heart breaks for you, to have to hear stuff like that from my husband, the one who should always support you and be on YOUR side. Just come back to PS if you have had a hard day and we will tell you the truth. You wonderful and forgiving and kind to continue to put up with it. He has no idea how lucky he is.

 

[momhappy]

I guess this is a sequel to the threads about being saitisfied about one's own appearance....

I'll start. You know that saying that no matter how good-looking someone is, there's always someone who is tired of him/her?
That pretty much sums up how dh feels about me IMO. He doesn't make me feel attractive or sexy, or pretty. My never tells me I'm beautiful, and he makes fun of my double chin (during times of the month), or my love handles, and last week he slapped my hand away from his plate and told me to stop eating because I was getting "chubby". I'm still fuming from this comment! I've gained 10 lbs since our wedding day 14 years ago and 2 kids later!

I'm sorry that your husband has said mean things to you. It sounds to me like he's being incredibly insensitive. Have you told him how you feel about his words? If my DH said those things to me, we'd be having a serious conversation about it and if changes weren't made, I might even consider reevaluating the relationship. Spouses shouldn't be hurtful and mean to one another and if they are, there's likely some underlying reason.

 

[qtiekiki]

My DH's and my ideals for my body are different. He joked around that he will tell me if I am getting too chubby. But he does tell me I am beautiful.

 

[junebug17]

Missy, thank you so much for that! I feel the same about you, beautiful inside and out. And I've had my moments - poor dh had to deal with my teen and early 20's years, talk about growing pains lol! but we made it through

Jaysonsmom, it does sound like some kind of macho attitude among family members that has influenced your husband's way of thinking - I don't like to comment on other people's relationships on the basis of a few facts, but I hope you can talk to your husband and help him realize that his comments bother you, and to stop - it seems like something fairly easy for him to do - hugs and best wishes!

 

[jaysonsmom]

Jaysonsmom in the pics you've posted on here you're very pretty & in great shape! Shame on him for trying to degrade you

My ex-husband was extremely degrading to me. I was the main breadwinner, worked hard, had a fabulous career & took good care of myself. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, I was on bed rest from 5 months into the pregnancy. Went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, which left no time for working out. After 2 years of being called a fat-ass by him I joined the gym.
Lost 50 lbs and filed for divorce. Adios a-hole I never looked back. We divorced 20 yrs ago. I am happily remarried. He is still alone. Karma is a b**ch.

I stayed in great shape until a couple of years ago when a health issue stopped my workouts. My DH knows damn well not to flap his jaws.

If this is something new, I would seriously call him on it. Have you tried to tell him to stop? Do you criticize him?
I would tell him he is undermining your feelings for him and that is a very bad road to go down.

This resonated with me. In the last 3 years, I have been the main breadwinner, and I take good care of myself (aging better than he has) so I wonder if this has anything to do with his mean comments? Because HE has to put me down in other ways so that he feels more of a man? Don't worry, I'm not letting his comments get to me...I get affirmation from others, and I really don't get down on myself! I DO love to hear that there are plenty of loving SO's out there that stick true to their vows to love their spouse through THICK and THIN!

 

[Mayk]

I was married to a jerk no matter how I looked he would tell me I needed to pump weights and my butt was flat... I was a runner and cyclist... And the major breadwinner with no time to hit the gym run and cycle.

I filed for divorce, joined the YMCA and became a Les Mills Body Pump Addict! My butt is not flat now... But he wouldn't know. He married Broom Hilda and I maried Prince Charming....


Hold your head up jaysonsmom... Sounds like his issues are his own!

 

[monarch64]

Jaysonsmom, my heart goes out to you. No one should have to hear comments about their appearance that are not complimentary even if they are meant to be teasing. It's just not supportive, and isn't that what marriage is about? My ex-husband said really awful things to me about my appearance. None of them were true but at the time those words hurt me so much, mainly because they just weren't kind things you would say to someone you supposedly love. My wonderful husband now tells me every chance he gets that he thinks I'm beautiful, and h says it with such sincerity. I honestly cannot imagine either of us EVER saying anything mean to the other, teasing or not. I never can figure out why people intentionally say hurtful things to the ones they love. It seems so backwards. Anyway, hugs, and I hope you and your husband can work out this issue. Not only is it detrimental to you and your marriage, but if he's saying things like that in front of your children that is a whole other can of worms. Yikes.

 

[luv2sparkle]

jaysonsmom, I am so hurt for you. No man has the right to say those things to his woman. Woman take a lot of hits just from the media, and living in this world. Men age too. They get flabby and wrinkly and get some pretty good jowls going on too. I am sorry he says these things to you and I am glad you don't take them to heart. I could think of all kinds of things you could do to him like itching powder in his socks, but they wouldn't be nice or helpful so I will just leave them out. I'm thinking about them though....

My DH always says nice things to me. He compliments me all the time, and I have to say I don't believe a word of it. I have gained and lost weight over the years more times than I can count and I am starting to look in the mirror and not be too happy with what I see. Truthfully, I don't know why he loves me so much. I think he could find better and do better, but for some reason he loves me.

 

[DNB]

Oh my. I'm so sorry he treats you that way. My DH and I have been married 33 years and he tells me everyday how much he loves me and how beautiful (and hot) I am. We both agree we do not look like we did 36 years ago when we first met, but never, ever would we call each other chubby. If my DH slapped my hand away, it wouldn't be pretty. Marriage is supposed to be supportive.

 

[monarch64]

jaysonsmom, I am so hurt for you. No man has the right to say those things to his woman. Woman take a lot of hits just from the media, and living in this world. Men age too. They get flabby and wrinkly and get some pretty good jowls going on too. I am sorry he says these things to you and I am glad you don't take them to heart. I could think of all kinds of things you could do to him like itching powder in his socks, but they wouldn't be nice or helpful so I will just leave them out. I'm thinking about them though....

My DH always says nice things to me. He compliments me all the time, and I have to say I don't believe a word of it. I have gained and lost weight over the years more times than I can count and I am starting to look in the mirror and not be too happy with what I see. Truthfully, I don't know why he loves me so much. I think he could find better and do better, but for some reason he loves me.

Ohhh, that second paragraph makes me sad! Sometimes my husband used to say he was a troll and couldn't believe I was dating him. But I truly think he's beautiful! It is so subjective, beauty, and it's true it is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes I feel like he's so much more intelligent than me, but when I voice that concern we talk about how we have knowledge in different areas and he always makes me feel like I am smarter than him! Listen to your husband, if he thinks you're lovely and loves you it's because he does. I mean, you're married, it's not like he has to keep trying to win you over...he's just trying to KEEP you now! Good for him.

 

[woofmama]

Jaysonsmom in the pics you've posted on here you're very pretty & in great shape! Shame on him for trying to degrade you

My ex-husband was extremely degrading to me. I was the main breadwinner, worked hard, had a fabulous career & took good care of myself. I gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant, I was on bed rest from 5 months into the pregnancy. Went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, which left no time for working out. After 2 years of being called a fat-ass by him I joined the gym.
Lost 50 lbs and filed for divorce. Adios a-hole I never looked back. We divorced 20 yrs ago. I am happily remarried. He is still alone. Karma is a b**ch.

I stayed in great shape until a couple of years ago when a health issue stopped my workouts. My DH knows damn well not to flap his jaws.

If this is something new, I would seriously call him on it. Have you tried to tell him to stop? Do you criticize him?
I would tell him he is undermining your feelings for him and that is a very bad road to go down.

This resonated with me. In the last 3 years, I have been the main breadwinner, and I take good care of myself (aging better than he has) so I wonder if this has anything to do with his mean comments? Because HE has to put me down in other ways so that he feels more of a man? Don't worry, I'm not letting his comments get to me...I get affirmation from others, and I really don't get down on myself! I DO love to hear that there are plenty of loving SO's out there that stick true to their vows to love their spouse through THICK and THIN!

I think my ex wanted to destroy my confidence in myself. Perhaps it was subconsciously, maybe not. But I think that was his goal.
He degraded me about other things, not just my weight. I think he thought it gave him leverage, if I became insecure about myself, I wouldn't ever leave him. He thought wrong. I do think it's possible that your husband is belittling you because he knows you're a capable, beautiful woman who could do just fine without him. I don't want you to think I'm cheerleading for ending your marriage.
Maybe you both just need to come clean, have a heart to heart talk and reaffirm that, no matter what you are there for each other.
My current DH & I aren't all mushy lovey-dovey, but we spend a lot of quality time together, have great communication and respect each other. It's a level playing field, so to speak.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Men (and women too) will sometimes criticize their partner's looks as a method of keeping the partner committed to the relationship by criticizing your partners appearance , if they believe you, then they may begin to think no one else will want them. And believing no one else will want you keeps you committed to your current relationship no matter how poor it is. Such tactics are particularly common for men who fear they themselves are lower in mate value than their wife! It is akin to other forms of derogation and abuse that lower one's mate's self-worth to keep him/ tied to the current relationship for fear of a lack of alternatives. It can work! But at a cost, obviously. He likely has no idea why he is being so mean and critical. These are not tactics people use consciously in that sense. But I can almost guarantee his comments are driven by his own insecurities, not by actual flaws in your appearance at all. I don't know the solution to a man using such mate-retention tactics, but maybe this insight will help a little on some level.

Here is a psychology article about these processes from a reputable researcher and published in a reputable journal. ETA: the summary of the article is a little confusing bu the article itself is really easy to read.


http://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/30462422/psy344_article1-libre.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ56TQJRTWSMTNPEA&Expires=1401245067&Signature=XpPf%2FWYDcfu0UuwUZe2HBk65%2BQk%3D

 

[woofmama]

jaysonsmom, I am so hurt for you. No man has the right to say those things to his woman. Woman take a lot of hits just from the media, and living in this world. Men age too. They get flabby and wrinkly and get some pretty good jowls going on too. I am sorry he says these things to you and I am glad you don't take them to heart. I could think of all kinds of things you could do to him like itching powder in his socks, but they wouldn't be nice or helpful so I will just leave them out. I'm thinking about them though....

My DH always says nice things to me. He compliments me all the time, and I have to say I don't believe a word of it. I have gained and lost weight over the years more times than I can count and I am starting to look in the mirror and not be too happy with what I see. Truthfully, I don't know why he loves me so much. I think he could find better and do better, but for some reason he loves me.

Ohhh, that second paragraph makes me sad! Sometimes my husband used to say he was a troll and couldn't believe I was dating him. But I truly think he's beautiful! It is so subjective, beauty, and it's true it is in the eye of the beholder. Sometimes I feel like he's so much more intelligent than me, but when I voice that concern we talk about how we have knowledge in different areas and he always makes me feel like I am smarter than him! Listen to your husband, if he thinks you're lovely and loves you it's because he does. I mean, you're married, it's not like he has to keep trying to win you over...he's just trying to KEEP you now! Good for him.

I'm with Monarch on this Luv2! Don't feel that way, please!!! Accept the compliments, you are worthy I'm sure! He loves you because you are you!

 

[woofmama]

Men (and women too) will sometimes criticize their partner's looks as a method of keeping the partner committed to the relationship by criticizing your partners appearance , if they believe you, then they may begin to think no one else will want them. And believing no one else will want you keeps you committed to your current relationship no matter how poor it is. Such tactics are particularly common for men who fear they themselves are lower in mate value than their wife! It is akin to other forms of derogation and abuse that lower one's mate's self-worth to keep him/ tied to the current relationship for fear of a lack of alternatives. It can work! But at a cost, obviously. He likely has no idea why he is being so mean and critical. These are not tactics people use consciously in that sense. But I can almost guarantee his comments are driven by his own insecurities, not by actual flaws in your appearance at all. I don't know the solution to a man using such mate-retention tactics, but maybe this insight will help a little on some level.

Here is a psychology article about these processes from a reputable researcher and published in a reputable journal. ETA: the summary of the article is a little confusing bu the article itself is really easy to read.


http://s3.amazonaws.com/academia.edu.documents/30462422/psy344_article1-libre.pdf?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ56TQJRTWSMTNPEA&Expires=1401245067&Signature=XpPf%2FWYDcfu0UuwUZe2HBk65%2BQk%3D

Exactly my thoughts and take on this, having lived through this scenario myself.

 

[Dreamer_D]

It is also interesting to note that there is another way of keeping a very attractive and desirable mate committed -- shower them with love and affection and work very hard to keep them happy! Lots of men use that approach. But it takes skill to be such a good relationship partner, and many men are not raised to learn those relationship skills if men don't think they have the skills to keep a good mate by treating her well and showering her with many rewards (and I don't mean money, any nice thing like attention and love counts too) then he will often resort to negative tactics like derogation, isolation, and other means of debasement.

 

[redwood66]

I am so sorry jaysonsmom these are terrible things to say to you. I agree with DreamerD that it appears him and a few of these other men who are not the breadwinners are projecting their inadequacies onto you. I was the larger salaried person in my marriage once DH was laid off when I was 7 months pregnant with our twins and continued to be for years. We decided that it would be best he stay home once they were born rather than daycare. It was a wonderful time for him for 1.5 years and I appreciate him all the more for it. We have been married 23 years now and the boys are young men of 22. He always tell me he loves me several times per day and always when we hang up the phone or leave the house. I could not imagine my life without him so it makes me very sad that spouses would treat their SO so badly.

ETA - he tells me I am beautiful even though I have gained 30 lbs and have self esteem issues.

 

[Dancing Fire]

She said...don't look in the mirror b/c you might have a heart attack!...