What do you think the reasons are that the 1st year is hardest?

[katomm]

Hi there. Not married yet (was once before a long time ago but it didn''t make it one year) but I was wondering what you all think are the reasons for someone to say the first year is the hardest. A couple of friends of mine have mentioned this and I don''t get it. Does this more apply to couples that did not live together before marriage?

I guess I''m just not understanding how marriage changes the relationship to make it so challenging for the first year. For me, I feel like once we''re married everything just goes on as it has.

 

[Pandora II]

I think it must apply to couples who didn't live together in the main.

DH and I lived together for 4 years before we got married.

We did have a lot of changes following our marriage in July - moved house in October, new baby in May and I have been fighting a big legal battle since last November, so we've been under a lot of external stress both good and bad.

Even so, we haven't felt any extra stress as a couple - if anything it made our relationship even stronger.

 

[radiantquest]

I agree that it more applies to couples that did not live together first. I am coming up on my first year and I don''t think it was hard at all. Part of me feels like we just got married last month and part of me feels like we have been married 20 years. I think that the reason people say that it is hard when you don''t live with them before is the merging of furniture and styles. Also the financial aspect of combining incomes. Plus that is when you find out if your spouse is a slob. I knew that my husband was a slob before I married him so it was no surprise to me. lol

 

[JSM]

I think it depends on how many ''life changes'' occur within that first year, whether you live together first or not. Of course, moving and living with a new person is definitely a big life change! The first year will definitely be the hardest for us, even though we did live together. We''ve only been married 5 months, and in that time we''ve experienced a LOT (death in family, job loss (both of us), relocating hundreds of miles away, drained savings, etc).

But I figure if you can survive the hard times, the good times will be that much better.

 

[October2008bride]

Our first year has been same old same old...with some added bonuses and stuff.

However, our first year of living together? OY.

That was not pleasant!

 

[Lilac]

DH and I didn''t live together before marriage (and we waited until marriage for other things as well) so we had a LOT of changes after we got married to get used to and incorporate into our lives. Honestly, if anything the first year of marriage so far has been the easiest of our relationship! Things just got better when we got married. We never fought much before, but we did have the occasional argument or disagreement, but since the wedding and since moving in together we have fought much less often and feel much more relaxed and happy now that we finally live together. If anything, marriage made everything so much easier!

I do have many friends who say the first year is the hardest though. Mostly they refer to the aspects of living together that they didn''t have before - such as figuring out who cooks, cleans, does household chores, etc. Figuring out when to visit each others'' families and how often to go out with friends. Things like that are usually what my friends talk about when they say the first year was the hardest for them. Luckily, DH and I didn''t have too many issues with any of those things and we''ve been in agreement on them (or at least very willing to compromise!), so it''s been pretty easy for us so far this year.

 

[kittybean]

Hmm . . . I think, as other posters have mentioned, that it must have something to do with merging households, finances, and values. It may also have to do with pregnancy and the arrival of a new baby, if that occurs within the year.

On a personal level, I haven''t found marriage to be difficult at all as compared to dating or engagement (knock on wood!). It feels like a lot of things have been made easier, actually! I like having our finances merged--we kept everything absolutely separate before our marriage. It is much easier to just pay the bills than try to figure out how much each of us owes, etc. The stigma of living together is gone, which is a huge weight off my chest, as I had been dealing with a lot of family negativity stemming from that decision. I''m hoping things keep going the way they are, but I have no idea how the rest of the year is going to go (we''ve only been married two months).

 

[dcgator]

I think that is an interesting question. I tend to agree with the other posters that if you already live together, there is not that much of a transition into married life. Personally, I don''t really see that much of a difference, since we lived together before tying the knot. That being said, we don''t really argue/disagree too much anyway, so I didn''t anticipate that increasing after we got married.

However, the hard part for me has been that my husband has been stationed overseas. This is definitely the hardest thing we have had to deal with, married, engaged or dating.

 

[Haven]

I''m with Lilac and Kittybean--our first year of marriage was so much fun, and not hard at all. We dated for four years before we married, and didn''t move in together until a month before the wedding.

I''ve enjoyed being married and living together even more than I enjoyed dating and being engaged. I will share that my DH is the most calm and rational person I have ever met, while I''m a bit of a spitfire when angry, and I''m sure that his demeanor has helped make the transition so smooth for us.

We''ve dealt with some big changes this first year of marriage--my grandmother died after a very long and painful illness, DH''s cousin was killed in a horrible plane crash, I quit my job, DH''s brother and SIL are going through a nasty divorce so we''ve had their kids quite a lot, DH''s father is very ill and we''ve poured a lot of time into being with him, and oh yeah, my dad left my mom two months after our wedding.

But each and every one of these things has just been an opportunity for me to remember how amazing my husband is, and how much we are on each other''s team. And really, all of these things are horrible and have been very hard to face, but this is life, and difficult things will continue to happen for as long as we are lucky to be living.

Oh gosh, thinking about how supportive my DH has been has me nearly in tears. Gah!

Our first year was wonderful. I look forward to the next.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

I think any time you first move in with someone there will always be an adjustment period... I have been living with my husband for 2.5 years now and nothing changed after we got married... But the first few months of living together was definitely difficult at times! It took me a while to get used to picking up his dirty undies on the bathroom floor...

 

[Londongirl1]

Date: 8/27/2009 1:21:07 PM
Author: jsm
I think it depends on how many ''life changes'' occur within that first year, whether you live together first or not. Of course, moving and living with a new person is definitely a big life change! The first year will definitely be the hardest for us, even though we did live together. We''ve only been married 5 months, and in that time we''ve experienced a LOT (death in family, job loss (both of us), relocating hundreds of miles away, drained savings, etc).

But I figure if you can survive the hard times, the good times will be that much better.

Ditto. If a couple don''t live together before marriage then there will obviously be adjustments that need to be made once they''re married, which can take some getting used to. Also, couples who live together before marriage may have unrealistic expectations (especially the bride) that marriage is somehow going to solve all their relationship problems but they then realise that a ring and a piece of paper won''t magically change things.

 

[Lilac]

Date: 8/27/2009 3:35:16 PM
Author: Haven
I''m with Lilac and Kittybean--our first year of marriage was so much fun, and not hard at all. We dated for four years before we married, and didn''t move in together until a month before the wedding.

I''ve enjoyed being married and living together even more than I enjoyed dating and being engaged. I will share that my DH is the most calm and rational person I have ever met, while I''m a bit of a spitfire when angry, and I''m sure that his demeanor has helped make the transition so smooth for us.

We''ve dealt with some big changes this first year of marriage--my grandmother died after a very long and painful illness, DH''s cousin was killed in a horrible plane crash, I quit my job, DH''s brother and SIL are going through a nasty divorce so we''ve had their kids quite a lot, DH''s father is very ill and we''ve poured a lot of time into being with him, and oh yeah, my dad left my mom two months after our wedding.

But each and every one of these things has just been an opportunity for me to remember how amazing my husband is, and how much we are on each other''s team. And really, all of these things are horrible and have been very hard to face, but this is life, and difficult things will continue to happen for as long as we are lucky to be living.

Oh gosh, thinking about how supportive my DH has been has me nearly in tears. Gah!

Our first year was wonderful. I look forward to the next.

Totally agree with everything Haven said here. Haven - it sounds like our husbands are very much alike! My husband is always calm and rational - he never gets angry, never really gets too upset about anything, and always stays calm. In the 5+ years we have been together, he has never once raised his voice to me. I get angry sometimes, and I will admit, sometimes I do yell. Not often, but it does happen, and even when I yell he never ever raises his voice. That''s one of the big reasons why our transition has been so easy for us.

Just last night I couldn''t sleep in the middle of the night and I was thinking about one of the "big" things coming up now for us - I''m applying to graduate school and I started to panic about not being qualified enough with volunteer experience, not getting into school, and having nowhere to go next year. I was panicking so much I started crying (now I know it''s not necessarily something to cry over, but it was the middle of the night and I was very overtired and emotional) - DH woke up, saw me crying, and as tired as he was, he got up and talked to me, calmed me down, and explained the steps we would take the next few days and weeks to make sure I had the best application possible. Somehow he made me feel so much better just by staying calm and being so supportive. And today, just as he promised, he already started helping me work towards getting more volunteer experience and learning more about the programs I am applying to.

Whenever I get a little annoyed that he left his shorts on the bed instead of putting them in the laundry, or he forgot to put something in the sink when he was done with it, I remember how calm and understanding he is every single day and how much he is always there for me. When I remember those things, it''s hard to get annoyed and definitely has made our first half a year married much easier and so much fun!

 

[Elmorton]

Our first year was definitely harder than our second, but it was mostly due to big life changes - change of jobs, moving far away, and figuring out how to budget since my employment changed drastically.

I think the timing for us was what a lot of people would consider traditional - I had just finished grad school (I went straight through, full-time student, so while I''d been on my own/supporting myself, it was as a student), so I was going through a lot of emotional changes in addition to the physical change of sharing my space with someone and moving a few hours away from family. And, we only lived together about a month before the wedding.

So, I think if the timing of the wedding is sortof like mine, like a major turning-point/life transition in addition to the marriage, it''s going to be difficult. Though I clearly have no personal experience on the opposite end of the spectrum, it seems to me that my friends who were not in the middle of a move, career change, etc at the time of the wedding have seemed to ease into married life without as many bumps.

 

[Haven]

Lilac--We sound like two peas in a pod! Your DH sounds very sweet, and you''re right--it''s hard to sweat the small things when he''s so supportive with all the big things.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2009 1:33:28 PM
Author: Lilac
DH and I didn't live together before marriage (and we waited until marriage for other things as well) so we had a LOT of changes after we got married to get used to and incorporate into our lives. Honestly, if anything the first year of marriage so far has been the easiest of our relationship! Things just got better when we got married. We never fought much before, but we did have the occasional argument or disagreement, but since the wedding and since moving in together we have fought much less often and feel much more relaxed and happy now that we finally live together. If anything, marriage made everything so much easier!

ditto! i feel like marriage has taken the guesswork out of a lot of the relationship...well, i know it has

. We've had a LOT of life changes in the past 8 months that we've been married - we moved in together, I graduated, we've moved across the state, he got a new job, I started my career, we're in the middle of buying a house, so 'life' itself has probably never been more uncertain or chaotic, but our relationship has never been more stable or level, strangely enough. we had a hard first, like, two weeks, but since then it's been extremely smooth sailing!

 

[kittybean]

Date: 8/27/2009 7:56:26 PM
Author: Haven
Lilac--We sound like two peas in a pod! Your DH sounds very sweet, and you''re right--it''s hard to sweat the small things when he''s so supportive with all the big things.

Got room for a third pea? I definitely feel this way about my DH. He has been there for me through so much hard stuff, and I am so far from perfect, and he is still so sweet to me all the same. I try my best to let silly little things go, knowing that the big stuff--where he really shines--is so much more important.

 

[mtjoya]

I don''t know why they say that. But, I am trying my best to learn how to cook. Not, just any little meal. I need to learn all these authentic mexican dishes that my mom & MIL cook. I can bake goodies but cook.....

I am trying my best here!

 

[Laila619]

Well, lots of things come up that you didn''t have to deal with or compromise over when you were just dating. There''s bills and household chores and errands and money issues, in-law stress, where to spend holidays, etc.

These things are just not a part of dating.

However, marriage is so much more fun!

 

[bee*]

I think it must be to do with couples moving in together for the first time as well. D and I lived together for a year before we got married so not much has changed in our day to day life, however it is so nice being married. We hardly ever row either but we''ve rowed a lot less now that we''re married. Two months in and everything is fab.

 

[julabean]

We lived together before we got married but the first year was still the hardest year we''d had to date. This was mostly attributable to real estate! We put our condo on the market soon after we got married, it took awhile to sell, and then our new house almost fell through due to some financial problems on the seller''s part. From hating where we were living to working through a difficult closing to almost losing our new house, it was incredibly, incredibly stressful. Not counting me returning to school and working full time, the year was hard simply because it was so different than past years we''d spent together. We spent our first anniversary living in our real estate agent''s mother-in-law duplex apartment! There was no calm sea before the storm, just constant stress.

It was worth it because we got through it and this summer has been incredibly relaxing and rejuvenating for us after the last year, but I can say that our first year of marriage was hard. Worth the hardship, but difficult. I''m looking forward to a relaxing second!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

The first year was a big adjustment for me and I had been living with D for seven years.

I think that was the problem: I was so used to living together that it was harder to make the transition to marriage. For the first year I still paid for half of everything...in fact several months ago when we were buying a vehicle, D was writing a check for it and I wrote him a check for half. Then he turned to me and said "what are you doing" and I said "paying you for my half". I''m finally letting go of that.

When you live together, you''re still in the mindset that you''re a completely independent person who is choosing to live with another completely independent person. Then in marriage things shift around and you feel like you''re complete partners. The transition wasn''t easy for me, but it''s been a really good experience and now that I feel like we are a true team it''s been 1,000 times easier.

 

[vespergirl]

I think it has to do with the permanence of the life changes that occur when you are legally married. Now you are there both by choice AND obligation - for some people the supposed "loss of freedom" becomes a real concept after the wedding, even if life goes on as it did before.

For us, our first year of marriage was the toughest, but it had more to do with all of the life changes that we went through the first year - the wedding, my husband started an MBA program, we bought a house, and had our first child. That''s a lot of changes in a couple of months! However, we were both excited about all of those changes, so we really didn''t fight over any of those things. I think it has more to do with your attitude, maybe - if you expect that it will be different and require work to adjust, all should be well. If you are going to blame the other person when things don''t go well, then you''re headed for trouble.