What do you think about the lady paying for half?

[TravelingGal]

OK, I realize that what I am about to ask may get some strong opinions, but here goes...

I am a pretty modern lady. He''''s a modern man, but seems pretty traditional when it comes to the idea of getting engaged. That''''s just fine and dandy but it brings up a few issues...

I out-earn him...nearly double what he makes. I could honestly go without the whole engagement ring/proposal thing, but he wants to. However, if he were to get me a ring, he may spend (let''''s say) 2500-3000 bucks. This may sound shallow, but if I were to get a ring I like, it would probably cost about double that. I would rather have no ring, than one I didn''''t like...after all, I''''ve lurked on and off around here for awhile and have seen lots of pretty rings! I think this is a crowd that can generally understand that sentiment...

I don''''t think he should spend more than what he is intending...I think a guy spending $6000 on a ring is ridiculous if he doesn''''t make a ton. However, I am not opposed to paying for half of it (and keeping it quiet). Maybe I could pay for the setting, and he pay for the stone?I know a lot of guys will think I need to tread carefully, for fear of hurting his ego. But in this day and age, why does it sound so weird that I want to chip in the for the ring? We''''ll probably both be paying for the wedding and honeymoon...why not equal parts for the whole enchilada?

What do you think?

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think since it was your idea, and you are okay with it, it is fine for you to offer to pay half. Just be understanding if he doesn''t agree with you. Sometimes it is a pride thing.

 

[togal]

If you and your fiance are comfortable with the arrangement, what else matters? As long as no one''s feelings are hurt...it''s between you and him.

 

[TravelingGal]

That''s the thing...I don''t know if he will be. I kind of alluded to it awhile back and I got a funny look from him. I''m not sure if it was because he thought I was nuts, or if it was because he thought it was an idea worth considering. It looked more like the former. I''m just wondering if I should broach the subject again because we have been talking more about marriage.

But the male ego can be so fragile......

 

[freddy2005]

from a guy's perspective:

if i am a lady, i would be happy with whatever the gentleman is giving me...keep in mind, the ring is a just a promise symbol of love between a man/woman...so why set a price tag on it?

u did mentioned about income so i would be more understanding if he can't afford to go beyond his budget..there's other things to consider after the engagement.

that's my opinion, but to each his/her own.

 

[MissAva]

For The Men I asked the same question... the first response said it all for me. The poll said it didnt matter but alot of the people who responded were women. I think you need to talk to him, but realize you may hurt his feelings/pride.

 

[AmberWaves]

That''s what we''re doing. Because of an accident, he had to pay out our whole ring fund, and he had promised to propose by April of this year. I wanted to keep the deal, so I told him I''d pay for half, and in the time since the accident, he''s saved half, and I have my half. We''re getting it done mid-March. He was a little miffed, but once he saw how excited I got, he realized it''s the best option, and now we''re planning like mad. Maybe my guy was different, but who knows unless you ask? Good luck! Just try to explain why, in a gentle way. I told my BF I also wanted a small say in what we got, which made it easier for him, too.

 

[ChooChoo]

I think the idea of him buying you a stone and you paying for the setting is great. He doesn''t have to know how much you will spend on the setting before he proposes, so he can still feel like he''s making the bigger contribution. Just tell him that you like a certain shape and that you would prefer to pick out your own setting so you would prefer he propose with a temporary setting.

 

[TravelingGal]

Matatora, thanks for the link...that is helpful. I agree with the first post on that thread to a degree. My thing is I don''t care for an engagement ring at all...I''m fine just going straight to the wedding bands. So I guess it doesn''t make all that much sense that I don''t want a little/bad quality diamond if I don''t care about the ring at all eh? I know it''s supposed to be a symbol of his love to me and I shouldn''t care what it looks like, but I don''t wear jewelry to begin with. I really don''t think I will want to wear something I don''t love. Then it''s a waste of $2500 of his hard earned money.

Eek. I wish this weren''t a delicate issue. I mentioned that we should just both plan the wedding (going to be very small and cost effective) and get married, since we both want it. But he said it seemed too much like a business negotiation without the engagement part. Of all things to be traditional about...sheesh! Especially when he has a girl that isn''t!

 

[qtiekiki]

I would definitely mention it to your bf again. If you are talking about marriage, you should be able to talk about everything. I think communication between the two of you is key; our opinions don't really matter here because it's how the two of you feel that is important. Also we, on PS, are a special bunch of diamond advocates, so our opinions might not be the norm. I personally hope that you can get something you love, so if he is ok with you paying for half, then great. If not, I would just leave it alone because it's most likely have to do with his pride/ego and "traditions".

 

[MissAva]

Date: 3/1/2006 2:23:38 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Matatora, thanks for the link...that is helpful. I agree with the first post on that thread to a degree. My thing is I don't care for an engagement ring at all...I'm fine just going straight to the wedding bands. So I guess it doesn't make all that much sense that I don't want a little/bad quality diamond if I don't care about the ring at all eh? I know it's supposed to be a symbol of his love to me and I shouldn't care what it looks like, but I don't wear jewelry to begin with. I really don't think I will want to wear something I don't love. Then it's a waste of $2500 of his hard earned money.

Eek. I wish this weren't a delicate issue. I mentioned that we should just both plan the wedding (going to be very small and cost effective) and get married, since we both want it. But he said it seemed too much like a business negotiation without the engagement part. Of all things to be traditional about...sheesh! Especially when he has a girl that isn't!

His budget would not mean you got a small bad quality diamond.

Have you seen the Under 1 Carat thread?

.733 G SI2 1999$
.736 I VS2 2622
.903 K VS2 2718$ This might be a great option for you Jelly just got a K colored stone in her ering and she LOVES it!
.80 E SI2 $2952

 

[Sunni79]

I see no problem with it whatsoever. I would rather help pay to get a ring I loved, than to receive one I hated because it wasn''t what I wanted. How does you bf feel about it? It''s no one business if you paid half anyway.

GL

 

[Slykat12]

The way you explain it it sounds like a fine idea. It was your idea and this way you can choose what you want.
What I am against is the guy buying the ring w/o any of his gals imput. Most dudes I know have little taste and would buy the first rock they saw.

 

[Caribou]

When you say, you don't care about the e-ring, do you mean because you'd rather go without then get something that you may not be very happy with. Or do you mean, you don't care because it's not something you really take much stock in as far as the symbolism of it all. Which is totally fine, I think for some people an e-ring is just a ring and for others it's a symbol of his love. Either way, if you don't want an e-ring than he should respect that.

What about a eternity band has the engagement ring/wedding band? You can get pretty nice ones for his budget.

I'd talk to him about it, touchy subject yes, but you should be just as happy with the e-ring he gives you as he is with giving it to you. Maybe the eternity band is the way to go and then on one of you anniversaries you can get a e-ring that you both like.

 

[SoonIHope]

While I didn''t technically "pay for" any of my ring, my fiance and I have/had a lot of joint costs which I just took the brunt of as he was saving up. I paid for more dinners out & utilities bills, and paid his turn for the rent one month (we alternate), and am going to pay for more of the wedding than he will. So in the end, none of my money directly went into the ring fund, but since he agreed to let me help out a bit more in other respects, he was able to save a lot more during those months leading up to buying the ring than he usually would have. This worked perfectly for us because he was able to/more comfortable spending more money on the ring than he would have been otherwise, but there wasn''t any emasculating pride issue about HIM being the one to buy me the ring. (Side note, we did discuss my paying for the setting and him paying for the stone, but he decided against it in the end, just because it was "weird"...but he considered it and I think it''s worth bringing up as a suggestion.) Another thing that played into our dynamic is that for a few months right out of college I was temping and he ended up paying my part of the rent and all our mutual expenses for a little bit, so in his mind I was just "paying him back" for that time, and not GIVING him any money. If he felt I was just giving it to him, he might have felt differently.

The point of my long babbling post is that there are ways you can get around the ego issue and "help out" without "helping out".

So if he isn''t comfortable with the way you phrase it the first time around, just come up with a slightly different alternative...I''m sure you can work something out!!

 

[Scintillating]

I''m a modern gal too, I paid for my setting. It was a joint effort - and I''m very proud of that.
If it''s what you want to do go for it. (As long as he''s okay too.)

Scintillating...

 

[kittycatsmac]

I don''t see anything wrong with it. It''s 2006 there are more crazier things going on then that. I would just talk to him about it and tell him that you would like to get a ering that you could ware for the rest of your life and no upgrades. ( just saying ) lol... Just let him know that alot of people are doing it and tell him what a great man it makes him to let you have what you want. lol

 

[TravelingGal]

Thanks again for your input.

Yes, I do think the smaller great quality diamonds are fine (the .9 for instance is nice), but setting is what interest me. I just don''t want to think about the ring once I have it on my finger, if he''s going to insist on putting t there. I don''t want to upgrade the stone or setting, because ultimately no matter what he gets me, that will carry the most sentimentality. (I just may not be sentimental enough to want to wear it all the time if I don''t like it and once we get wedding bands).

Caribou, to answer your question...the ring just seems like an obstacle to get to the thing that really matters. To give you a bit of history, without going into too much detail, this wedding is going to be a logistical pain. He is Australian and moved around the world to be with me. That is enough evidence of his love for me...another reason why I don''t need a ring. But now we have to get two families from two hemispheres together for this. To top it off, my father is in poor health and if we''re going to do the deed, I''d like him around for it. That puts us on a timeline for sometime this year.

I feel like the engagement/ring is such an obstacle. We talk about marriage, but don''t go forward with the logistics because we''re not engaged. The funny thing is, I could stay happy living together for awhile, but no one else would be happy!

 

[Caribou]

You sound like my aunt.

When she got engaged she said the same thing about the e-ring 'it's an obstcale' she did end up finding a sapphire (sp) e-ring that she liked...which she ended up loosing. But many upgrades and 25 years of marriage later she has a nice 3ct diamond on her finger, yeah how's that obstacle now?

I think your other concerns (the one end of the country travlers, you fathers ppoor health) are very legitimate reason for being more concerned about getting married without the a e-ring. Well talk to him, hopefully you both can come up with some sort of compromise.

 

[pearcrazy]

If your fiancee would agree to it I would let him use his money to buy you a diamond wedding band and then get your engagement ring after you are married. Then he may feel differently about using "your" money to finance part of the cost if it''s coming out of a joint account.

 

[TravelingGal]

Pearcrazy, that''s an idea, but I guess if I had a nice diamond wedding band, I really don''t care for the ering. I don''t know why he does, which is the source of the problem.

Caribou, I got a chuckle out of that. Seems like she had the right attitude though...25 years of marriage...how wonderful!

 

[dani13]

Travelingal-

I personally see no problem wih this. My FI is teaching and in graduate school, working towards his doctorate.... He eventually wants to open up his own practice, but until then, he is somewhat strapped for cash...good thing he hooked up with me, his SUGARMAMA!! lol Anyway, when we were searching for an e-ring I DID offer to pay for half of it (and not to go into details, but the ring I wanted was over 10K). Like you, I had ideas of what I wanted, and if I couldnt have it, I really didnt want anything at all. I dont want that to sound bad, but just telling the truth.

I personally dont feel that your marriage is not going to work out if you cant accept what your man could give you- just dont agree with that at all. My FI''s income is nothing compared to what it will probably be in the future, since he is still in school. I love him more for going out of his "comfort zone" to get me what I wanted....he truly sacrificed to make me happy- and to me that is amazing.

Anyway, he would not let me pay for anything- he did it all by himself...and like someone else said, even if you dont pay for the ring directly, you pay for it indirectly...for instance, when we bought out condo, I paid more for the closing costs, since he had to make a big payment for the ring...

He just is so proud of the ring (and he should be) He reminds me occasionally that I wear his blood, sweat, and tears on my hand everyday....kiddingly, but I love him so much for it...it is a perfect example of how giving he is and how much he will go out of his way to put a smile on my face!!!

 

[TravelingGal]

Yeah, I am with you there....my bf jokes that he is going to quit working since I am his suggamama. Nuh uh...I don''t think so!

Even when the ring is not really a big deal, everyone makes it a big deal. You tell someone you''re engaged, and the first thing that happens is that their eyes shoot over to your left hand. Nothing wrong with that...it''s normal. Since I hate being in the spotlight, I find it even more daunting to think about how I''d be trying to pretend I like something in that spotlight. I am a terrible liar!

I still vote for skipping the entire engagement spectacle...then no one knows anything until BAM! You''re married. And then no one has to gush in the process.

 

[dani13]

You are so right- I am a nurse, so I dont wear my e-ring to work- do want to risk it getting all banged up- it would break my heart. Anyway, when I first told people I got engaged, they would smile, say congratulations, and grab my left hand!! I couldnt believe the b**** people have!! I said to FI, "what if I didnt have a ring- wouldnt they feel so stupid??" It was ridicuous! People are unbelievable

 

[MissGotRocks]

I think that whatever the two of you decide is fine. No one else has to know the financial arrangements of your ring.

That being said, I think that if you are considering spending the rest of your life with someone, you should be able to broach just about any subject with him. Life throws out the good, the bad and the ugly. You''ll have to deal with all of it at some point in your lives together. While I appreciate you not wanting to step on his toes or hurt his feelings, I just think you should talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel and certainly listen to his input. You will either come up with a mutally agreeable decision or you will have to back down and let him take this bull by the horns. Many of us have upgraded from our original stones and you may find yourself with a less desireable ring right now but can certainly upgrade in the future if it is important to you. The important thing is that you make a decision together. It will be good practice for many future decision making processes!

 

[flopkins]

I totally agree w/qtiekiki and MissGotRocks - if you're going to marry the guy, you ought to be able to talk to him about this. YEs, its a very senstive topic, but I think if you approach it the right way it won't be too terrible... if he seems so intent on getting the ring I would just suggest ring shopping w/him and seeing what he is thinking in terms of style and then you might be able to squeeze in there, well, I don't want a ring at all, but if you insist I absolutely have my heart set on X, and I'm willing to put up $$ for it. ya know?

ETA: I am not against the idea of the lady paying half, but I knew my FI could pay for a nice ring, and would have been disappointed if he hadn't got me a decent one... but if I were in your situation I would definitely want to put up part of the cash if I knew I could! A (now married) couple I know, the girl bought the ring she wanted and he proposed to her with it!

 

[msdarlinjoy]

Hi TravelingGal,

I don''t see anything wrong with your idea. I think the idea of you buying the setting of your dreams and he buy the diamond or diamonds for your band sounds like a win/win situation.

My only concern is that it kinda sounds like he is really into wanting to do the engagement ring thing. How about him buying you a non-traditional ring/band which he can propose with, and you could wear it as a RHR once your married and you are wearing the wedding band of your dreams, which you could help pay for.

The other thing I was thinking about is ... being non traditional. I know a very modern woman who didn''t want an ering, stated so to her BF, she said that she would refuse one, however ... she would accept a beautiful diamond pendant that she could wear as it would be floating above her heart, or she would accecpt a pair of diamond earrings, this way everytime he looks at her ... the sparkle that he see''s in the diamonds will remind him of the sparkle that she has in her heart for him. It worked for her ... he was a little on the romantic side and thought about what she had said, and when he went to propose ... he did so with a .50 ct Ideal cut RB pendant, and Ideal cut diamond studs tctw .78 Rounds. She was happy because she didn''t have to wear this "prongy" engagement ring, and she allowed him to be himself the romantic by propsing with diamonds and they both were very happy. They both went together to pick out their wedding bands, and paid for them together out of their wedding fund, which she contributed more too, because she was able too.

I''d say think about what kind of "man" he is ... and then maybe consider some options that would still let him be himself, and let you be yourself too.

Best wishes to both of you!

 

[TravelingGal]

Mrs. Darlin Joy, I like your idea of the RHR! Your friend also seems to have come up with a great solution for her. I actually love watches, and had my eye on a Franck Muller, but I cannot justify 4000 bucks on a watch. Not to mention I actually wear my watches everywhere, so I am brutal on them. I doubt it would last 10 years, much less a lifetime...hehehehe...

And we talked about the engagement last night. I asked him if he had to have a formal engagement...he seemed to want it. I brought up the idea of me paying for half the ring, and he didn''t shoot me down, which was good. But I just kept telling him I didn''t need the ring at all. I don''t think he was listening.

He did ask me, "Where are you taking me for our honeymoon?"

Maybe we can just spend the money on an awesome trip, which by my moniker, it should be apparent I love to do!

Anyway, it was a good lighthearted talk, and I think we will work something out that will make both of us happy.

Thanks all for your $.02!

 

[ladykemma]

have you considered him getting the ring for your left hand, then after a time go out and get a mind blowing right hand ring.

(that''s what I did)

 

[butterfly 17]

I don''t think there''s anything wrong with it as long as both of you are in agreement with it.
At least you will get exactly what you want, better than getting a ring you will hate wearing and can''t wait to upgrade at the next big anniversary!