What do I do? : (

[FrekeChild]

Date: 3/13/2009 10:10:30 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Freke, I never insinuated that you didn''t understant these feelings...I simply pointed out that I have been where this woman is and how I felt faced with this horrible reality.


And, if you take a moment and re-read the OP, you''ll see she asked for suggestions...my suggestion was to send flowers, which you called impersonable (

btw). I never claimed sending flowers was the perfect sentiment, or the only sentiment, but beautiful arrangements lifted my spirits...it''s what worked for me and I offered the suggestion because it did. Nothing more, nothing less.


It''s like I said...there is no one catch all for expressing sympathy and offering comfort. If there were, then we''d all have a much easier time navigating through these awful moments in life. Some people want flowers, others food or gift certificates or simply a card. There is no such thing as a wrong way of expressing condolence.

No, you assumed and insinuated that I have never had a miscarriage.

And for the record, you made ordering flowers sound like a "just order flowers and get it over with" instead of putting a little thought and effort into it like my friend did.

And thanks for your apology for saying I "looked forward to shopping" when my mom died. I really appreciate that.


Sunnyd, I would like to apologize for all of this mess. I am truly sorry for your FSIL and family''s loss.

 

[bebe]

Kinda late getting into this...

But I went through 3 miscarriages.

Friends and family all reacted differently. But the people who asked way too many questions, who doted on me, I tuned out. They irritated me.
I just wanted to be left alone, I was ok, but didn''t need to be reminded of what had happened. And I hated being told by older women, oh honey this happens.
It was almost like they expected me to be wearing black and in mourning for a year. Yes, it was sad. I did mourn the loss of those babies (all around 10-13 weeks) but
life goes on.

I eventually found out the medical reason, chromosome translocation.
And I did go on to have 2 beautiful kiddos.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Date: 3/13/2009 11:43:16 AM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/13/2009 10:10:30 AM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Freke, I never insinuated that you didn''t understant these feelings...I simply pointed out that I have been where this woman is and how I felt faced with this horrible reality.


And, if you take a moment and re-read the OP, you''ll see she asked for suggestions...my suggestion was to send flowers, which you called impersonable (

btw). I never claimed sending flowers was the perfect sentiment, or the only sentiment, but beautiful arrangements lifted my spirits...it''s what worked for me and I offered the suggestion because it did. Nothing more, nothing less.


It''s like I said...there is no one catch all for expressing sympathy and offering comfort. If there were, then we''d all have a much easier time navigating through these awful moments in life. Some people want flowers, others food or gift certificates or simply a card. There is no such thing as a wrong way of expressing condolence.

No, you assumed and insinuated that I have never had a miscarriage.

And for the record, you made ordering flowers sound like a ''just order flowers and get it over with'' instead of putting a little thought and effort into it like my friend did.

And thanks for your apology for saying I ''looked forward to shopping'' when my mom died. I really appreciate that.


Sunnyd, I would like to apologize for all of this mess. I am truly sorry for your FSIL and family''s loss.

Sunnyd, I am really sorry to take focus off the real issue here. If you found my suggestion to send flowers to be impersonal, then I apologize...but please know, I really tried to remember what lifted my spirits during that time...and I remember one unbelievable arrangement of gardenias, I set them beside my bed and they meant the world to me every time I looked at them.

And Freke, sorry but you''re wrong... but I never said anything to the effect of "you don''t understand what it''s like to have a miscarriage, so you don''t get it"...I simply refered to my own experience. The fact is, I don''t know you and cannot speak for you, if you have had a miscarriage--that''s your business, and unless you''re coming out with that, then I wouldn''t have any reason to think one way or another on the issue as it pertains to you.

And I never made sending flowers sound like "just send them and be done." I actually didn''t say anything all that different than anyone else who weighed in and suggested sending flowers. Sending a lovely note and beautiful arrangement in my own personal experience is a lovely sentiment...and for me there is nothing impersonable about it. If you''re not a flower person, then clearly this isn''t for you...but I have a different point of view, oh well.

And as far as my comment about how the gift certificate and how you "looking forward to shopping" was only made because you yourself talked about how it "took your mind off your grief and gave you something to do"....maybe I used the wrong wording but I simply went off what you said.

 

[snowflakeluvr]

sunnyd,
i am sorry for your family''s loss. you are a thoughtful and loving FSIL! even my best friend did NOT acknowledge my first(second,or third) mc''es...what NOT to do: do not say, "Oh it wasn''t meant to be" "Oh you''ll have another baby someday soon" "Oh there must have been something wrong" etc etc. people are clueless and often not very sensitive to this sort of loss. it''s very real and very palpable along with the fact that now her body has to recover from a pregnancy, with hormone changes, etc. when we find out we are pg-we want THAT baby, that is now a part of us. we want that birth date to anticipate, we plan and visualize a future with THAT child. it sounds like you really care for her so any gesture you make will ultimately comfort her in some small way. my first m/c was really hard on me, it was during a time of infertility, but we already had children so it was a different circumstance of loss. i do however remember who was there for me, and it was not too many of my closest friends/family members. even dh was kind of blase about the whole thing...i have since had two more children but i will never forget the suffering i felt with my losses. bless your heart-i wish i had a SIL like you

 

[Kelli]

So sorry to hear your news.

I agree, it doesn''t seem like there is really anything you can say. Just be there in case she does want to talk, and also understand if she doesn''t.

 

[Erin]

When this happened to me my best friend sent me a small plant, which I eventually killed because I''m horrible about taking care of them. However, the planter pot is this really cool cement rough texture pot with the words TRANQUILITY engraved into the texture. I keep it on my shelf and it serves as a reminder that although it was a sad time I can look at that pot and remember that it''s all okay and I''m at peace with it now.

 

[Sparkalicious]

Sunny - I''m really sorry to hear. I, too, am terrible when it comes to dealing with things like this. If you treat your FSIL the way that you think that you might like to be treated given a similar situation, you should be safe. Everyone has given great advice and has had wonderful ideas. I tend to agree that having some sort of meal prepared for them will be most welcome as it is always the last thing you want to do when you''ve gone through something traumatic or heart-wrenching.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

 

[sunnyd]

Thanks all for the well wishes and condolences. We got back from our trip last night, but we did have dinner with FSIL, her DH, another FSIL and FIs parents Thursday when they found out. It was hard, but I know they''ll get through. I''m taking cues from the family as to what to do. FMIL also had a MC before their 3rd child, so she knows it''s common enough that she couldn''t have done anything better to prevent it. They''re really optimistic about trying again as soon as they can; it only took them 2 months of trying this time around so hopefully she''ll be big and pregnant at our wedding.