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What do I do? : (

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sunnyd

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Just got some really bad news...FSIL miscarried. She was 12 or 13 weeks along and they couldn''t find a heartbeat at her appointment today. It''s so sad, this was their first baby, the first baby in the family, and we were all so excited. The baby was to be 6 weeks old at our wedding and a lot of their OOT family was coming in. What do I/we do? I''m horrible at this stuff...It''s just so shocking. What do you say to someone who lost their child?

 

dragonfly411

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Joined
Jun 25, 2007
Messages
7,378
Sunny - I don''t think there is anything you can say. Just be there for her, and be strong for them. I''m so sorry to hear that ((hugs)) I''ll keep you all in my prayers.
 

innerkitten

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I would just say that you are very sorry for their loss and offer to be there is they want to talk about it.
 

fieryred33143

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May 18, 2008
Messages
6,689
Sorry about your FSIL


Honestly, the way people handle things like this varies from person to person. Some appreciate the comfort of family and friends and need to be around a lot of other people to cope. Others prefer to just be alone without having to rehash the memory through talking about it with others. If that makes sense...

I think I would tell her that you are really sorry and that you''ll be there for her for anything she needs.
 

tlh

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Date: 3/12/2009 5:19:21 PM
Author: innerkitten
I would just say that you are very sorry for their loss and offer to be there is they want to talk about it.
Ditto.

Many women don''t want to talk about this... but be there for her if she does.
 

Tacori E-ring

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This just happened to one of our friends too. The best thing is NOT to ignore it. Be there for her. Also it would be nice to take her some dinner (frozen type so she can reheat it) after her D&C since that will be the LAST thing she will want to deal with.
 

Kaleigh

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Nov 18, 2004
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29,570
I am so sorry. Just be there for her if she wants to talk. But talk to her and tell her that you are so sorry. Ask her if there is anything you can do. She will say no, but will appreciate the fact that you cared to ask.
 

Dreamgirl

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Mar 25, 2008
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5,070
Awwwwww I''m so sorry to hear about this loss. That''s too bad. There isn''t really much you can say other than you are there for them during this time...
 

FrekeChild

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Date: 3/12/2009 6:12:14 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
This just happened to one of our friends too. The best thing is NOT to ignore it. Be there for her. Also it would be nice to take her some dinner (frozen type so she can reheat it) after her D&C since that will be the LAST thing she will want to deal with.
Ditto. When you experience a loss like that, there really isn''t anything you can say, but at the same time, you can''t say nothing. So acknowledge it, tell her you''re there for her if she needs anything, and bring food. Because as Tacori pointed out, food is the last thing you want to think about when you''re having to go through something traumatic like that.
 

sunnyd

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Date: 3/12/2009 6:27:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/12/2009 6:12:14 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
This just happened to one of our friends too. The best thing is NOT to ignore it. Be there for her. Also it would be nice to take her some dinner (frozen type so she can reheat it) after her D&C since that will be the LAST thing she will want to deal with.
Ditto. When you experience a loss like that, there really isn''t anything you can say, but at the same time, you can''t say nothing. So acknowledge it, tell her you''re there for her if she needs anything, and bring food. Because as Tacori pointed out, food is the last thing you want to think about when you''re having to go through something traumatic like that.
She goes in for that tomorrow, and we''ll be on vacation (not good timing, I know FI would like to be with his sister). He talked to her, and she''s in good spirits...as good as she could be. She knows this happens to so many women so I think that is helping her deal? Her and hubby are going to take a few days off of work. Thanks for the help ladies.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
First of all, I am so so sorry your FSIL & FBIL and their loss.

At this point, there really isn''t much you can do, sadly. The grief they feel in this moment is horrible. I would offer your support, and send a lovely arrangment of flowers.
 

FrekeChild

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Date: 3/12/2009 6:47:03 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, I am so so sorry your FSIL & FBIL and their loss.

At this point, there really isn't much you can do, sadly. The grief they feel in this moment is horrible. I would offer your support, and send a lovely arrangment of flowers.
Honestly, that's really impersonal. I can't tell you how many arrangements of flowers I received when my mom died, and they really didn't do anything for me except cause more stress about watering them and then throwing them out.

On the other hand I had a really great friend who thought about sending me flowers and instead sent me a gift cert for Zappos because she KNEW that would bring a smile to my face. And she was right. When I got it I burst into tears because it was so thoughtful and showed how well she knew me. And that she had put some real thought into it.

If she loves flowers, great, but for me, in my time of grief, they were just a hassle. The less I had to think about, the better. My thoughts were entirely consumed by other more important things.
 

neatfreak

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Joined
Feb 17, 2007
Messages
14,167
If you are going to be OOT I would call their fave restaurant and arrange for food to be delivered to them, fully prepaid with tip of course. They will appreciate it.

My condolences to your family. So sad...
 

kittybean

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4,125
Date: 3/12/2009 7:57:56 PM
Author: neatfreak
If you are going to be OOT I would call their fave restaurant and arrange for food to be delivered to them, fully prepaid with tip of course. They will appreciate it.
This is a fantastic idea, and I''m sure it will be very much appreciated.

I think the only other thing you can do is make sure to acknowledge the grief and be there for your FSIL. I''m so sorry for your family''s loss.
 

musey

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Joined
Sep 30, 2006
Messages
11,242
There really isn't much you can say/do, except to extend your condolences and let her/them know that you are there for any emotional support they need.


My MOH/cousin found out she was pregnant about 2.5 months before my wedding. I was so incredibly happy for her, and we talked about what fun it would be for her to be pregnant in my wedding. She would have been about 18 weeks along at that point. She miscarried a little less than a month before the wedding, at 15 weeks.

I didn't know what to say or do, especially since we live on opposite ends of the country so seeing her was not an option... so I just sent an email saying that I was sorry, that I didn't know if she'd want to talk on the phone, but that I was waiting for her call in case she did. I sent some chocolate covered strawberries (her favorite!) to her house along with some little toys to keep her two little girls busy so that she could relax a bit more than she would be able to otherwise.

She had a really rough week (and felt guilty having to bow out of my bachelorette party that weekend, which I told her not to even think about), but was fine after that. It was her third miscarriage, which perhaps helped (having gone through it before). She seemed her old self by the wedding, but I made a point of keeping any pressure off her MOH stuff just in case.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184
Date: 3/12/2009 7:44:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/12/2009 6:47:03 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, I am so so sorry your FSIL & FBIL and their loss.

At this point, there really isn''t much you can do, sadly. The grief they feel in this moment is horrible. I would offer your support, and send a lovely arrangment of flowers.
Honestly, that''s really impersonal. I can''t tell you how many arrangements of flowers I received when my mom died, and they really didn''t do anything for me except cause more stress about watering them and then throwing them out.

On the other hand I had a really great friend who thought about sending me flowers and instead sent me a gift cert for Zappos because she KNEW that would bring a smile to my face. And she was right. When I got it I burst into tears because it was so thoughtful and showed how well she knew me. And that she had put some real thought into it.

If she loves flowers, great, but for me, in my time of grief, they were just a hassle. The less I had to think about, the better. My thoughts were entirely consumed by other more important things.
Freke, I would like to take a moment and point out that I have been where this woman is...and the last thing I wanted to do was shop, unlike you who looked forward to it. Flowers, in my time of grief, comforted me. Everyone has different ideals of what a proper "condolence" should be...at the end of the day, it doesn''t matter what you do, or send, or say...rather, just that you''re there.

There is no right or wrong...show love, period.

 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,509
Everyone has given excellent advice. I''m sure she would appreciate acknowledgement of their loss. This is very important to them. Some feel better to talk about it but others prefer not to say anything about it but whichever camp they fall into, they will still need your support. Maybe spend a day out with them, if they are close by. If not, a card and flowers would be a nice thought too.
 

steph72276

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 16, 2005
Messages
4,212
I just went through this in December and what really meant the most was the phone calls and emails I got from my friends just telling me they were thinking of me and praying for me. Also, my best friend sent me some beautiful flowers and I did appreciate them very much and they put a smile on my face.
 

chrono

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Premium
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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,509
Steph,
I''m so sorry. It seems miscarriages are more common than we think but nobody talks about them. I too lost one at 12 weeks into the pregnancy and it was really hard on me emotionally, especially during the anniversary date.
 

Diamond*Dana

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Premium
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Jul 21, 2006
Messages
7,221
I have been through this...the best thing to do is to offer your sympathy for their loss and be there for support.
 

steph72276

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Joined
Mar 16, 2005
Messages
4,212
Date: 3/12/2009 8:41:55 PM
Author: Chrono
Steph,

I''m so sorry. It seems miscarriages are more common than we think but nobody talks about them. I too lost one at 12 weeks into the pregnancy and it was really hard on me emotionally, especially during the anniversary date.
Chrono, I am so sorry for your loss too. It is such a tough thing to go through.

My thoughts are with all those who have gone through such a loss as well.
 

chrono

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
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Apr 22, 2004
Messages
37,509
Date: 3/12/2009 8:59:55 PM
Author: steph72276

Date: 3/12/2009 8:41:55 PM
Author: Chrono
Steph,

I''m so sorry. It seems miscarriages are more common than we think but nobody talks about them. I too lost one at 12 weeks into the pregnancy and it was really hard on me emotionally, especially during the anniversary date.
Chrono, I am so sorry for your loss too. It is such a tough thing to go through.

My thoughts are with all those who have gone through such a loss as well.
Thank you Steph.
 

jcarlylew

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Joined
Jun 27, 2008
Messages
3,899
Date: 3/12/2009 5:19:29 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Sorry about your FSIL


Honestly, the way people handle things like this varies from person to person. Some appreciate the comfort of family and friends and need to be around a lot of other people to cope. Others prefer to just be alone without having to rehash the memory through talking about it with others. If that makes sense...

I think I would tell her that you are really sorry and that you''ll be there for her for anything she needs.
exactly.

everyone is different, and everyone reacts to other people differently.

i am sorry for her loss
 

FrekeChild

Super_Ideal_Rock
Joined
Dec 14, 2007
Messages
19,456
Date: 3/12/2009 8:11:04 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
Date: 3/12/2009 7:44:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Date: 3/12/2009 6:47:03 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, I am so so sorry your FSIL & FBIL and their loss.
At this point, there really isn''t much you can do, sadly. The grief they feel in this moment is horrible. I would offer your support, and send a lovely arrangment of flowers.
Honestly, that''s really impersonal. I can''t tell you how many arrangements of flowers I received when my mom died, and they really didn''t do anything for me except cause more stress about watering them and then throwing them out.

On the other hand I had a really great friend who thought about sending me flowers and instead sent me a gift cert for Zappos because she KNEW that would bring a smile to my face. And she was right. When I got it I burst into tears because it was so thoughtful and showed how well she knew me. And that she had put some real thought into it.

If she loves flowers, great, but for me, in my time of grief, they were just a hassle. The less I had to think about, the better. My thoughts were entirely consumed by other more important things.
Freke, I would like to take a moment and point out that I have been where this woman is...and the last thing I wanted to do was shop, unlike you who looked forward to it. Flowers, in my time of grief, comforted me. Everyone has different ideals of what a proper ''condolence'' should be...at the end of the day, it doesn''t matter what you do, or send, or say...rather, just that you''re there.

There is no right or wrong...show love, period.
And who says I haven''t? Don''t imply things you don''t know.

I most certainly DID NOT "look forward" to "shopping" while I was grieving (which is really quite insulting for you to imply), but it gave me something to do to take my mind off of what else was going on in my life. I have to tell you, that I hardly remember the weeks around my mother''s death because my sorrow was so all encompassing, but my friend''s THOUGHTFULNESS stands out as a brief bright moment during that time.

As for love, YES I agree. What did I need when I was going through that? Someone to make sure I showered, ate and was presentable when I needed to be. Between FI and two of my very close friends, this was accomplished. But just looking up a flower company because "that''s what you do" (not that you said this, but it seems to be the universal sign of sympathy in general) is not what I wanted or needed. Instead I cried every time a new flower arrangement was brought to my house, or another sympathy card was delivered. Yes it was nice that people thought of me, but at the end of a few days, those flowers died.

I''m just saying put some thought into it. Food being there and being ready made makes that part of life that much easier. Which is why its the other most popular sympathy "gift".
 

Deelight

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Joined
Oct 4, 2007
Messages
5,543
Date: 3/12/2009 6:27:07 PM
Author: FrekeChild
Date: 3/12/2009 6:12:14 PM

Author: Tacori E-ring

This just happened to one of our friends too. The best thing is NOT to ignore it. Be there for her. Also it would be nice to take her some dinner (frozen type so she can reheat it) after her D&C since that will be the LAST thing she will want to deal with.
Ditto. When you experience a loss like that, there really isn''t anything you can say, but at the same time, you can''t say nothing. So acknowledge it, tell her you''re there for her if she needs anything, and bring food. Because as Tacori pointed out, food is the last thing you want to think about when you''re having to go through something traumatic like that.
Ditto, I am so sorry for you all especially your FSIL
, just try and take your cues from her and be there for her.
 

Hera

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Jul 12, 2007
Messages
2,401
I''m sorry for your SIL also. Such a terrible thing that I couldn''t imagine having to bear. I would send flowers and/or food. I think most people are touched that people are thinking of them in their time of grief.
 

diamondseeker2006

Super_Ideal_Rock
Premium
Joined
Jan 11, 2006
Messages
55,983
Are they local? My answer would depend on whether you see them or not. I think taking food and some flowers is nice if they are local. And if they are not local, I''d send a card saying how sorry you are and that you are thinking (or praying) for them and possibly send flowers.

I also lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and other than my mother, I had almost zero acknowledgement that it happened from anyone else. I still wonder what my in-laws were thinking not to at least have sent me a card to say they were so sorry and loved me. No, I would not have felt like talking with numerous people. But a few cards would have really been nice.
 

Italiahaircolor

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Joined
Dec 16, 2007
Messages
5,184

Date: 3/12/2009 9:42:08 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/12/2009 8:11:04 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor

Date: 3/12/2009 7:44:45 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 3/12/2009 6:47:03 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
First of all, I am so so sorry your FSIL & FBIL and their loss.
At this point, there really isn''t much you can do, sadly. The grief they feel in this moment is horrible. I would offer your support, and send a lovely arrangment of flowers.
Honestly, that''s really impersonal. I can''t tell you how many arrangements of flowers I received when my mom died, and they really didn''t do anything for me except cause more stress about watering them and then throwing them out.

On the other hand I had a really great friend who thought about sending me flowers and instead sent me a gift cert for Zappos because she KNEW that would bring a smile to my face. And she was right. When I got it I burst into tears because it was so thoughtful and showed how well she knew me. And that she had put some real thought into it.

If she loves flowers, great, but for me, in my time of grief, they were just a hassle. The less I had to think about, the better. My thoughts were entirely consumed by other more important things.
Freke, I would like to take a moment and point out that I have been where this woman is...and the last thing I wanted to do was shop, unlike you who looked forward to it. Flowers, in my time of grief, comforted me. Everyone has different ideals of what a proper ''condolence'' should be...at the end of the day, it doesn''t matter what you do, or send, or say...rather, just that you''re there.

There is no right or wrong...show love, period.
And who says I haven''t? Don''t imply things you don''t know.

I most certainly DID NOT ''look forward'' to ''shopping'' while I was grieving (which is really quite insulting for you to imply), but it gave me something to do to take my mind off of what else was going on in my life. I have to tell you, that I hardly remember the weeks around my mother''s death because my sorrow was so all encompassing, but my friend''s THOUGHTFULNESS stands out as a brief bright moment during that time.

As for love, YES I agree. What did I need when I was going through that? Someone to make sure I showered, ate and was presentable when I needed to be. Between FI and two of my very close friends, this was accomplished. But just looking up a flower company because ''that''s what you do'' (not that you said this, but it seems to be the universal sign of sympathy in general) is not what I wanted or needed. Instead I cried every time a new flower arrangement was brought to my house, or another sympathy card was delivered. Yes it was nice that people thought of me, but at the end of a few days, those flowers died.

I''m just saying put some thought into it. Food being there and being ready made makes that part of life that much easier. Which is why its the other most popular sympathy ''gift''.
Freke, I never insinuated that you didn''t understant these feelings...I simply pointed out that I have been where this woman is and how I felt faced with this horrible reality.

And
, if you take a moment and re-read the OP, you''ll see she asked for suggestions...my suggestion was to send flowers, which you called impersonable (
btw). I never claimed sending flowers was the perfect sentiment, or the only sentiment, but beautiful arrangements lifted my spirits...it''s what worked for me and I offered the suggestion because it did. Nothing more, nothing less.


It''s like I said...there is no one catch all for expressing sympathy and offering comfort. If there were, then we''d all have a much easier time navigating through these awful moments in life. Some people want flowers, others food or gift certificates or simply a card. There is no such thing as a wrong way of expressing condolence.
 

steph72276

Ideal_Rock
Joined
Mar 16, 2005
Messages
4,212
Date: 3/12/2009 10:26:12 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
Are they local? My answer would depend on whether you see them or not. I think taking food and some flowers is nice if they are local. And if they are not local, I''d send a card saying how sorry you are and that you are thinking (or praying) for them and possibly send flowers.


I also lost my first baby at 12 weeks, and other than my mother, I had almost zero acknowledgement that it happened from anyone else. I still wonder what my in-laws were thinking not to at least have sent me a card to say they were so sorry and loved me. No, I would not have felt like talking with numerous people. But a few cards would have really been nice.
DS, the same thing happened to me when we lost our baby. My in-laws who I am pretty close do didn''t call me or acknowledge my loss. They called my hubby and they were checking on me through him, but did not send me a card or even call me to tell me they were sorry. I am still pretty hurt over that. I think some people just don''t know what to do or say, but if you are a very close relative, not acknowledging the loss can really hurt the person
 
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