What do I do now?

[Jaders731]

Ok.. so you ladies always offer such great advice.. and I am in need of some!

If many of you remember my situation with my biological father... (posts can be seen here: https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/father-issues.55084/ )

Well... quick recap from the last couple months... I talked to my father and informed him that my stepdad would be walking me down the aisle and that my stepdad and mom were listed as hosts on the invitation (I refused the money that he had offered)...I did however tell him that we would be recognizing and honoring him during the wedding and during the reception (namely with a father daughter dance, that I asked him to choose the song to) Since that email over 5 weeks ago.. I havent heard a single word from him.

Invitations went out 5 weeks ago.. and our RSVP date was Monday...

So here is the major update: NOT A SINGLE WORD from my father.. no RSVP card... not a phone call.

I have NO idea if my father is coming to our wedding.. I have no idea if my grandparents, my uncle and his family or my father''s step kids are coming... NO IDEA...

I know that my Aunt (his sister) sent in her RSVP card... and thats it...

So.. now what do I do? My FI said I should email him and say "Are you really not coming to my wedding?" and leave it at that... but in the same breath he also said I should write everything I am feeling out for him to read.. EVERYTHING... which I see as a great exercise for releasing a lot of things I feel right now.. but honestly.. I dont have the time or energy 4 weeks out from the wedding to do that.
I just talked to my mom.. and we thought maybe I could email him and say "Is Aunt S. the only one from this family attending my wedding" This kind of nudges him to answer about the other 12 people on that side of the family that are invited, as well as himself.
My mom offered to call.. but I dont want her to.. as I know it will only reinforce their (my father and his family) belief that it was my mom that influenced me not to "include" my father in this wedding... Which I can proudly say... is the absolute furthest thing from the truth EVER.. .my mom had no say or input in the decision that was made by me in my father not walking me down the aisle.

So what do I do? Help... I have to have a count to my caterer in less than a week! STRESS!!! Help!
Thanks in advance ladies. You have all been life savers over the last several months!

 

[decodelighted]

Don''t overreact YET. My own parents, who BTW paid for about 70% of my wedding NEVER RSVP''D at all ... they also thought they could invite people VERBALLY through a PHONE CHAIN a week before the wedding.

Some people (rude people

) are not great about RSVP-ing. So I wouldn''t jump to the conclusion he''s not coming JUST yet.

What about a phone call? Not one loaded with guilt or expectation or supressed anger ... just a "Hi ... trying to get a final count for the wedding ... wanted to know if you can make it?"

Anyway - that''s my idea. GOOD LUCK!

 

[oshinbreez]

I never RSVP''d to either of my kids weddings. They knew I''d be there. Either call or email your father and ask if he and your grandparents are coming and how many. Don''t get stressed. He might just figure that since you''d talked previously that he didn''t need to RSVP.

 

[cara]

Just make nice until he tells you otherwise. Give him the standard email - didn''t get your response, are you going to be able to make it?

No point dealing with passive-aggressive biological father until he makes clear that was his intent.

Frankly if you have made some kind of peace with his role in your life I wouldn''t rehash all those feelings just know - unless bio dad forces you too, and if he does just recognize that it is an emotional time in your life and your try to make your response ..hmm.. of appropriate intensity.

 

[cpster]

If possible do a phone call at some point. Who knows, he might not have email access anymore or your email may be landing in his spam box. I hope this works out for you. I think it''s thoughtful that you have decided to do the father & daughter dance with him. That''s a big honor and I hope he realizes it soon.

 

[Gypsy]

I agree with Deco... either a phone call or an email that says... without any accusations:

"Hi ____, we are just trying to finalize our headcount and wanted to know if you can make it. Hope to speak to you soon! Love, _____ "

People don''t always RSVP....

 

[So_happy]

I just want to say that we sent STDs to all of our guests, including our bridal party (of course) and of the 10 of them, 5 called/emailed with expressions of surprise that they got one. They were like "Uh........am I still in your bridal party?" I guess they assumed that we''d assume they''d come so receiving somethign so "guest-like" made them stop for a minute and wonder lol. We made sure to "warn" them that a proper invite would be coming too in a couple months!!

I actually don''t expect them to rsvp at this point come to think of it

Perhaps you bio dad is like my 5 BP members?

 

[Jaders731]

Thanks Ladies for your input...

I ended up emailing him yesterday (I am such a chicken with the phone calls to him.. it literally makes me physically ill having to call him for fear of confrontation)...

I basically said... The RSVP date was Monday.. and I just wanted to know if Aunt S. was the only member of the family attending...

He promptly emailed (totally shocked on this) back and said yes.. and apologized for not responding or contacting me sooner.. as he has been sooo busy with his "new" house.. blah blah blah (I mean.. kudos to him for writing me back so promptly... but argghh.. that stupid house!! it is seriously always something with him)

Anywho... so he''s coming.. and my grandparents are coming (serious shock!!!) and all is well right now.

He still has not answered me about the father daughter dance...

So that is the update! Thanks again for all your help!

 

[KimberlyH]

Jaders,

First of, great news that his and the rest of your family on that side are coming!

I''m sorry he ddin''t respond re: the father/daughter dance, but I would give it a week and then call him and ask. I know when things are uncomfortable email is the easiest form of communication, but sometimes human contact, hearing someone''s voice, can soften a person in ways that email can''t.

You have handled this situation with such grace, be proud of yourself. Good luck and keep us posted.

~K

 

[akw94]

Jaders, I''m glad it worked out! Since he responded so quickly via email, I''d probably (if it were me who also would rather not make a difficult phone call) email him again asking if he picked a song. Or now that you know he''s coming, maybe that phone call would be a little easier.

 

[decodelighted]

Good news!!!

The song thing is probably that he doesn''t know too many songs that are appropriate ... you know, brides doing a bunch of research stumble onto ideas but regular folks are just clueless about that stuff!!! SERIOUSLY.

Why don''t you offer up three or so suggestions & ask him if any of those appeal to him ... then he''s free to offer an opinion or start doing his own research if he DOESN''t like any of your choices.