Father issues...

[Jaders731]

It seems like the last week or so.. I''ve had so many "issues"... sorry I havent had much happiness to report lately.. hopefully that will change soon...

My father (my parents are divorced, my mom and stepdad are paying for half the wedding) called me tonight asking me where I wanted him to send a check to help with the wedding...

A little background.. In August, I had asked him if he wanted or would be able to contribute.. and after me chasing him down to get an answer (this is the pattern with him.. I have always had to chase after him to be my father.. he has NEVER ever willingly done anything remotely father-like in my life) He told me that he could only afford X amount... Well, not that I am ungrateful.. but it wasnt even 1/20th of our budget... He explained that it was all he could afford and "scrape" together... This was one month after he came to visit me in Turks and Caicos (mind you.. he has never ONCE offered to visit me before... only now because I live in the caribbean)...

So.. I have over the last couple months come to the conclusion that I cannot physically and mentally handle having to chase after him anymore... I dont have time for it.. and my heart cant take the pain anymore... He called tonight to see where to send the check.. and I told him... I dont think we''ll be needing it... that we are trying to manage the costs.. but I asked that he hold on to it.. just in case unforseen costs come up... which he agreed to.... To be honest.. I had made the decision to have my Step Dad walk me down the aisle.. and I didnt want to take money from my father because I didnt want that sense of obligation in including him in specific things... mainly.. in my opinion.. he doesnt deserve to walk me down the aisle... My stepdad was more of a father to me.. than my biological father ever dreamed of... if he EVER dreamed of it in the first place.

Now.. heres the kicker... he told me that he bought ANOTHER house just before Thanksgiving...

Hmmmm... excuse me??? You could only scrape together X amount of money for your ONLY daughters wedding... yet you have many many times that to buy a house that you DONT need... they are gonna use it as a rental house.. they love their house.. wont have plans to move into this other one...

I''m sorry.. am I wrong to think that this is MESSED up??? am I being selfish? I honestly cannot wrap my brain around this...

Grrrrrr...

 

[firebirdgold]

Oh yeah, messed up!
Tell him to keep his money!

I''m glad you have a real father to walk you down the aisle!

 

[RoseAngel04]

Wow...your situation really saddens me, and you are right that is messed up that he can afford a new "fling" house but can barely "scrape up" any money to help his own flesh and blood....that''s a disgrace. I''m happy that you DO have a step-father who can walk you down the aisle. Perhaps that will be a wake-up call to your biological dad.

 

[Kaleigh]

He''s not a father, in the true sense. I''m so glad you have a wonderful Stepfather who can walk you down the aisle. I think everything you have done so far is wise and mature. You have a good head on your shoulders. Is it painful?? Yes, but you''re done with tracking him down, etc...

 

[Jaders731]

Thanks for the votes of confidence ladies.. I am just in such a low place with all of this... Your opinions have really helped..

And helped solidify what I already knew! My stepdad is my true father, and no one else deserves the right to walk me down the aisle.. more than him!

 

[galeteia]

My mother will walk me down the aisle when that day comes. I stopped talking to my father over 13 years ago, and this kind of bulltwinkes is exactly what I am avoiding by having done so.

Being a parent is definitely a matter of behaviour, not genetic contribution.

 

[mia15]

No, you''re not being selfish. You''re clearly trying to understand the situation and giving him much more credit than he probably deserves. Sigh. What can you say about parents behaving like this? I empathize, and I''m glad that you have a lovely stepfather who is a great parent.

I hope you''ll feel better soon!

 

[monarch64]

Just another vote for the "you are not being selfish" marker on the ballot.

Jaders, go with your instinct in this case and at some point maybe do some counseling on your own or with FI to gain perspective. I think it''s more and more common that women deal with this issue, you are not alone. There''s no reason to add more stress to a wedding and in your case, you don''t need your biological dad bringing up all kinds of issues. HOnestly, try to focus on the happiness of the wedding planning and don''t worry about how selfish he''s being with his homes and lifestyle that hasn''t been focused on you primarily. I know it hurts, but right now it''s probably better that you leave him out of it...you can deal with this later. Do what you need to do, girl...after the wedding you can try to fix the issue if you want to, but now isn''t the ideal time to try to patch everything up. Ya know?

 

[anchor31]

Wow, your father reminds me very strongly of my FFIL... And I know he''ll pull us the same stunt.

Tell him to keep his money. If he prefers to spend it on a house he doesn''t need rather than your very important day, the message is very clear and he shouldn''t expect you to worry about his sensibilities. You wouldn''t want to have him hanging this money over your head either.

Vent away, and stay strong. I too have been having a lot more trouble than it''s worth so far, so you have my sympathies!

 

[indecisive]

I totally understand why you are upset but honestly, some people would see spending lots of money on one day as being frivolous where putting money into an investment (rental houses can be great investments) as practical. I was really surprised when my parents offered to pay for the wedding because I really didn''t expect them to. Then again I am still struggling with the build a house earlier or have a wedding debate so you see where I am coming from. It is hard to do but try not to equate love with how much money someone is willing to spend on your wedding. It sounds like there are other reasons you have these feelings towards your father and I am sorry because that sucks. To me though, "being a father" is not synonymous with paying for a wedding.

 

[Jaders731]

Thanks again Ladies for your input...

After a somewhat restless night of sleep... I have decided that I am not going to lose anymore nights of sleep over this man. I have come to the realization that I will never hold a place in his heart like the place I hold in my mom''s and stepdads heart. In some ways that is a very hard pill to swallow... and in other ways its comforting to know that I had the love and support I always wanted and needed right there in my home growing up.
Its not like I was seeking something more.. because believe me.. I got everything I needed and then some from my parents.. but I could never comprehend how someone who has a daughter.. their own flesh and blood can just let them go without a second thought.
I think after the holidays, I am going to write him a letter and explain to him what I am feeling (who knows if I will actually send it.. sometimes its just nice to get something on paper) I need to explain to him that my step dad will be walking me down the aisle. Its a privelege he has earned one million times over.

I wish I was strong enough to cut him out completely, but I dont think I could ever do that... but I think that it would be smart on my part to explain to him what I am feeling.. and then the ball will be in his court. frankly..I dont care if he comes to the wedding.. although I know he will..but.. I am no longer going to set myself up for rejection and heart ache anymore.. if he starts to act like a father after 26 years (!!!) then I am no worse off.. and if he continues this pattern he has had for 26 years (!!!) I am not going to let it hurt me. He is the one that is losing out!

Ok.. so.. here''s to a new week.. and new excitements with this wedding! No more bad news!! at least I can only hope!

Thanks again.. you guys are the best!

 

[Jaders731]

Indecisive...

Thank you for your opinion.. and I do agree that you cannot equate money with love... HOWEVER... every situation is different...

The only reason I asked him to contribute was because of a little conversation I had with him 6 years ago at his wedding... He was marrying a woman with three kids, one of them a daughter.. so I jokingly said.. "hey dad, haha.. now you are going to have two weddings to pay for..." What was his reply? "She has her own dad to pay for it..."

Now.. for 6 years I''ve had it in my head that my biological father was going to help out... and while I have mentioned before that the amount was not the major issue.. it is more the fact that I had to chase him for it... and I havent even gotten into the nasty emails I got from his wife, rudely questioning my Fi and me about why our budget is so large... (which by American standards is really only average.. and by our venue standards is way BELOW the average)

Fast forward to last night.. and I find out that he bought a house AFTER he explained to me that he could barely scrape up what he had offered me... it just SCREAMS to me (and everyone else for that matter) that him buying a house was more important. I mean.. would it have been so hard to push back the purchasing of a "rental property" for 8 months or so... so that he could have afforded to "contribute" more to his ONLY daughters wedding...

I dont really like to focus on the money aspect of this whole issue.. but lets compare apples to apples...
My stepdad is in Iraq.. and has been for almost 3 years.. He is fully prepared to come home.. but when he heard that I was getting married..my stepdad and mother decided that another 6 months in Iraq.. would help alleviate the financial strain that a wedding would bring.. (before anyone yells at me... I didnt know about this decision until it was made.. and I didnt ask them for money before this decision was made)..
So to put this in perspective... While my stepdad is risking his life everyday by being in Iraq to ensure that "his little girl" has a dream wedding... my father offers BEANS and buys a house...
Ughhh.. I''m getting angry just thinking about it again...

And while I do feel like spending a lot of money on a wedding can be frivolous... it is a life altering experience, and I feel grateful that my parents are willing to go through so much on my behalf. It is painfully clear that is just isnt that important to my father!

 

[jaz464]

I have to disagree with most of the other posters on this. Of course, I am not condoning your dad's lack of fathering through the years. That is just terrible. But I see nothing wrong with him spending his money how he sees fit. Real estate is a great investment. It's not like he bought a second home for himself to live in. He bought one to contribute to his income. I think a parent giving any amount of money is extremely nice and unneccesary. My husband and I chose to pay for our weddings ourselves. A parent should treat a daughter better than he has treated you, but I don't think this is an instance where his behavior is inappropriate. Why should he put off a purchase he has probably saved for for a long time to contribute to YOUR wedding?

 

[Jaders731]

jazmine:

Its always good to have a differing opinion.. in fact I welcome it... its so hard when one has these issues with a parent...

Can I ask you a question?? Do you think that it is wrong that my father made it seem to me that they were strapped for money, as they could only "scrape" up the amount that they offered? and then two months later buys a house?

I would have more respect for him had he said.. "you know daughter, I really think that the amount of money you plan to spend on your wedding is frivolous, and because of that, we are only offering this amount." I mean.. had I truly known that he felt like my Fi and I and my mom and stepdad were spending too much money.. that is his opinion.. and I would respect it.. I''m sure on some level I would be upset.. but I''d get past it.

Unfortunately now. I feel like I have been lied to and deceived once again. And that is never a good feeling for a child to feel towards their parent... (although I think we can all agree.. he isnt really a parent)

You are right.. it is not my position to question what he spends his money on... HOWEVER.. considering the conversation I had with him six years ago.. AND his saying that they could only scrape together/afford x amount... I think I have a right to be upset.. and feel deceived.. yet again.

 

[jaz464]

Well, of course I don't know the whole story here. But my husband and I don't have a lot of spare money either because we are saving for a home as well. So, if someone asked me for a loan or something similar, I would have to scrape money together as well because all the rest of the $$ is in the home fund. I don't consider the home fund to be money I could use or give away. I guess someone might be put out if I couldn't lend or give money and then we turn around a buy a $500,000 home in a few months but that is where all the extra $$ is going right now. I don't have any extra money to play with.

 

[Jaders731]

I do understand your point, yes.. but my father already has a home...

I just dont see how your example applies to him and this situation... like i said... my family and I view this wedding as a life altering event.. and want to do what they can to make it a dream.

I just get the feeling he doesnt get it... or feels its that important...

While I understand that he may have wanted to boost his income by buying a rental property.. he has just once again proven that his wants/financial situation is more important than his daughter...

 

[jaz464]

Date: 12/18/2006 3:24:22 PM
Author: Jaders731
my family and I view this wedding as a life altering event.. and want to do what they can to make it a dream.

I am of the opinion that the marriage is the life altering event, not the wedding.

I am sorry that your father has not been one to you, and I wish you all the best in dealing with a situation that is very frustrating for you. I think that choosing your stepfather to walk you down the aisle is a perfectly fine idea if he has been there for you much more than you biological father has. Good luck.

 

[Jaders731]

You are absolutely right that the marriage is the life altering event.. but we also view the celebration as the beginning of that. We''ve waited a long time to be able to celebrate our love for each other... and now we can... We come from huge families.. and this one day where we all get to be together in one room.. is amazing..

thanks for your well wishes!

 

[KimberlyH]

Jaders,

I am sorry you are disappointed and that he has hurt you. If I were you I think I would have stopped expecting anything from him (no matter what he said 6 years ago), including money for a wedding, a very long time ago; especially considering you don''t view him as your true father and you had to "chase him down" to find out if he was willing to contribute. And while you, your FI, and all of your other parents may see this as a life altering event, and as a result believe X amount of money should be spent to make it special he most likely does not as it sounds as though he''s been at least partially removed from your life for a very long time.

I hope you can let go of this and move forward with planning your wedding, and married life, with feelings of excitement and happiness as opposed to harboring anger at someone who isn''t worth the energy.

 

[Jaders731]

I''m trying.. I really am...

 

[KimberlyH]

I''m sure you are. It''s really easy for people who are unattached to a situation to diagnose it objectively; when emotions get involved it becomes a heck of a lot more complicated. Again, I wish you the best of luck and I truly hope you can let it go, for your sake.