What are your after-death wishes?

[Sunstorm]

I did not attend several family funerals. My aunt passed away a month ago and it would have been hard to go. Besides, we have not talked in decades. Her passing and she herself of course meant something to me and what happened shook me up and I did feel she was going to die just hours before when there was no sign of that happening for the weeks preceding it but sorry I do not believe in funerals. I go because I sometimes have to. I prefer not to attend. There are traditions. Sure. Many different kinds. Everyone does them different.

I have my own way to grieve. I guess I am not a conventional person and I grieve deeply, alone, in my own way. I am against celebration, cannot really grieve by going there and crying my eyes out and grief can be very silent. In my opinion those that feel it the deepest often go through it deep down in themselves.

I hate death, I am really scared of it. I hate the idea of those I love dying. I have a terrible time with losses. I simply have a traumatic hard time or find it impossible to let go. To lose someone´s SO I simply cannot comprehend the magnitude of how it feels. I think I would like to go with. Just like many animals that choose to die after their companion dies. No cremation for me either. Well, this much I am traditional. Getting buried together would be nice but not dying ever would be best. I do believe our souls go on until our next lives but I cannot imagine death and stopping thinking, being me, what happens to that after.

Kenny, I have not seen an update since your SO needing a transplant and getting dialysis. This thread shocked me. What is going on? The treatments are not working? Does he have a chance? I would like to think that we can all send healing dust as I simply do not want to give up on him if there is a chance.

 

[tyty333]

I am also an organ donor. If I die of old age then I wish to be cremated. However if I depart any other way, I would want my DH to do
whatever was best for my kids. If there is any kind of social event I would prefer it be a celebration of life vs a funeral.

You can bury my ashes somewhere if people want a place to go or someone can keep me in their house
(or you can dump me somewhere preferable beautiful). I really dont care too much at that point.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this Kenny but I think its important to figure out what you and your SO want. Your SO may want to put
in on paper so his family doesnt change anything if he does not want any changes made.

 

[Dancing Fire]

But did you have strippers?

No strippers... cut and paste my old post from 2010 below

When my dad passed away 3 yrs ago my brother,sister and I had to chip in $2000 ea for his $28k funeral (chinese traditional style) even after we received about $4700 in cash donation from our friends.He had about $17K in life insurance.

funeral home = $12K
casket = $4300
casket liner = $1200
cemetery service on weekend = $2000
dinner after the service =$2700
grave marker = $1600
flowers = $1500
plot = $750 which was purchased in 1985 when my mother passed away or else it would of cost an extra $4300.
plus a few more thousand dollars for them Chinese traditional stuffs.

 

[TooPatient]

From the practical side: make sure you have wills and powers of attorney done. This makes things easier to deal with later. If you have any joint accounts, have them set up so they have rights of survivorship. Individual accounts can also have beneficiaries listed but most people don't know that is an option. That can make it easier to handle accounts.

Personally, I choose not to have a living will as I prefer to have a medical power of attorney and a general power of attorney instead. DH knows what I want and I know what he wants. We both feel that this gives more flexibility to get our wishes followed rather than possibly having doctors choose what we might not have wanted. Both of us know that this means we may have to make difficult decisions, but are ready to do that if we need to. I worked with our attorney to make sure everything lines up as needed.

We both want to be buried and know who to call when the time comes. A very small service. Nothing elaborate.


ETA: My grandmother planned out everything since she knew it was coming. She gave special things to people she wanted to have them. She wrote her obituary. She even planned her funeral down to every last detail. It was everything she would have wanted! The hula dancers performed beautifully and everyone celebrated her life.

 

[stracci2000]

From the practical side: make sure you have wills and powers of attorney done. This makes things easier to deal with later. If you have any joint accounts, have them set up so they have rights of survivorship. Individual accounts can also have beneficiaries listed but most people don't know that is an option. That can make it easier to handle accounts.

Personally, I choose not to have a living will as I prefer to have a medical power of attorney and a general power of attorney instead. DH knows what I want and I know what he wants. We both feel that this gives more flexibility to get our wishes followed rather than possibly having doctors choose what we might not have wanted. Both of us know that this means we may have to make difficult decisions, but are ready to do that if we need to. I worked with our attorney to make sure everything lines up as needed.

We both want to be buried and know who to call when the time comes. A very small service. Nothing elaborate.


ETA: My grandmother planned out everything since she knew it was coming. She gave special things to people she wanted to have them. She wrote her obituary. She even planned her funeral down to every last detail. It was everything she would have wanted! The hula dancers performed beautifully and everyone celebrated her life.

Hula dancers! Wow, awesome! So I take it she was Hawaiian?

 

[TooPatient]

Hula dancers! Wow, awesome! So I take it she was Hawaiian?

Hawaiian at heart! She LOVED Hawaii with all her heart. Visited yearly until too sick to go. Surrounded herself in music, jewelry, and scents that reminded her of the place. She always wanted to learn to hula so started lessons after she was sick. Kept it up until she was too sick to dance. Her instructor brought her group at my grandma's request and performed several of her favorites.

 

[rainwood]

Like many of you, I avoided funerals or memorial services because I thought I'd fall apart. As I got older and there were more of these events, I realized I needed to show my respect to people who'd been important to me, that it was something I needed to do for them, but also for me. Loss becomes a part of your life and you have to learn to deal with it.

By the time my husband died, I'd been to a number of these and knew what I did and didn't want for him. One of the things I'm very glad I did was have a celebration of life that would focus on what a wonderful person he had been. The other was we had to adjust to people's schedule so we had the celebration a month and a half after he died. I'm SO glad we did that. It gave me time to plan and time to cope. If there aren't religious or cultural reasons to act quickly, I'd highly recommend taking some time.

I also felt strongly about speaking at his celebration. We were together for 40 years, I knew him better than anyone, and to me, it would be strange not to speak. So I did, and I'm really glad I did. I don't think I could have done that if it had been in the first week. I went first, which was key, and I wrote down and read what I wanted to say so I didn't put more pressure on myself. I didn't want it to be sad, and I put in lots of funny things and stuff that people wouldn't know. I'm so proud I did it, and set the tone of it being a true celebration of a wonderful person. I'm the only surviving spouse I know who did speak, and I know it's not for everyone, but it meant a lot to me and I'm glad I did it.

I spread most of his ashes - in two meaningful but very different places - but have a small amount that I kept and put in very cool modern urns. I was surprised I wanted to keep some of his remains, but I did and it gives me comfort. When the time comes, you may be surprised at what you'd like to have happen.

 

[Dancing Fire]

My parent's (chinese) generation don't believe in cremations, but nowadays the younger chinese generation are ok with cremations.

About 10 yrs ago wife and I purchased our plots for $6k ea. Today it cost $9,500 for ea. plot. When my mom passed away in 1985 it was $750 per plot.

 

[stracci2000]

Hawaiian at heart! She LOVED Hawaii with all her heart. Visited yearly until too sick to go. Surrounded herself in music, jewelry, and scents that reminded her of the place. She always wanted to learn to hula so started lessons after she was sick. Kept it up until she was too sick to dance. Her instructor brought her group at my grandma's request and performed several of her favorites.

That's so sweet.
I, too love Hawaii, and that's where DH and I want our ashes to be scattered. A special place on Maui that is near and dear to us.

 

[tkyasx78]

I dont care to be honest. Make it cheap and simple. Cremation is fine.Id be upset if they blow 12k + on my funeral.

 

[tyty333]

I dont care to be honest. Make it cheap and simple. Cremation is fine.Id be upset if they blow 12k + on my funeral.

Me too...unless they want to spend the $12k on a party and enjoy themselves!

 

[doberman]

I'm an organ donor. I want what's left over to be cremated and sprinkled somewhere nice, preferably at a ski resort out west. I hate the idea of a funeral and I don't want one.

 

[monarch64]

Here’s a funny article on what happens to one’s implants (metal or silicon) when cremated:

https://jezebel.com/ask-a-mortician-what-happens-to-breast-implants-when-y-1630122519

That lady cracks me up. “Hipster. HIPSTER, get it?”

 

[canuk-gal]

Here’s a funny article on what happens to one’s implants (metal or silicon) when cremated:

https://jezebel.com/ask-a-mortician-what-happens-to-breast-implants-when-y-1630122519

That lady cracks me up. “Hipster. HIPSTER, get it?”

OHMIGOD I died laughing!

cheers--Sharon

 

[kenny]

I remember they were popular in the 60s, but I'm surprised people these days still have organs.

When I die all I can donate is a nice piano.

 

[cmd2014]

Funerals/services are really for the living, not the person who has passed. While they are never pleasant, and my thoughts have always been "why are we doing this?" I have to admit, that when DH's family elected not to have a service for his grandmother (who I knew and loved) and cremated her and didn't buy a plot for her and scattered her ashes somewhere, I felt lost. My husband felt lost. We never felt like we got a chance to say goodbye, and there was nowhere to go to pay our respects. We've since spent years having conversations every once in a while about maybe buying a park bench in her name, or a tree, or something just to have a place where we feel connected somehow. But his family is really against it and he doesn't want to upset his mom (who made the decisions around the non-funeral arrangements), so we let it go.

Since then there have been many more losses on his side of the family where there has been no service, no family gathering, cremation only, presumably someone has the urn or the ashes have been scattered, but there is nowhere to go to pay respects, and it has been similarly awful. It's made me appreciate even the hastily pulled together services that I have gone to on my side where the minister clearly didn't know the person and the choir was off key...because there's something to be said for people coming together and sharing their grief and saying goodbye.

So if you had asked me a few years ago, I would have said, I don't care. Cremate me, scatter me somewhere, don't bother with the ceremony. But now I'd say, take care of the people I love by giving them a chance to be together, to say goodbye, to find support in shared grief (well, I hope someone feels sad when I am gone anyway), and find a nice place to put me where people can come visit if that happens to bring them some comfort going forward.

Kenny, I'm so sorry you're having to think about this with your SO. I know you're not sentimental, but this is different. Most people work through grief not just through rituals and ceremonies, but also through the stories that are told during the rituals and ceremonies about the person who is gone. To remind us that they meant something. That their life has meant something. That they will continue to live through us in our memories of them, and that you are not be alone in carrying them in your heart.

 

[KaeKae]

Sometimes I think funerals are unplanned family reunions. Seriously, we actually planned one with my mom's family after my father's funeral.

Speaking of, my father passed unexpectedly at the age of 60, he did have a will, but no directions regarding a funeral. I guess my brother and l were "lucky" that we went to the same funeral parlor that handled my mother's arrangements. They had all the info from hers, and we did everything, down to the coffin and the songs played at the Mass exactly the same.

This is something DH and I need to address. Right before we moved, our church was working on planning to build a columbariun, which is a place to put the ashes of lived ones. I was on council then , and after a presentation about it, we were awkwardly joking about them being aparments for the dead. But, they sort of are! you buy a compartment that ca n hold the remains fir two people. It's cheaper than a plot in a cemetery, and still gives the place to visit, if desired. You'd also, presumably, be burried among friends from your congregation or community .

That could be a possibility, and in that case, I'd be in SoCal, and never have to be in the cold again, right???

 

[lyra]

This thread has me thinking, in a practical way, that maybe I should put more thought into all of this for the sake of my kids.

 

[GliderPoss]

Yup, DH and I both are going with organ donation and cremation ... slight preference for the ashes being scattered in some of our favorite nature spots but don't really care ... neither of us desire a memorial service but are leaving it up to the surviving spouse to do what he/she feels the need to do, when the time comes.

This is my preference too - organ donation, followed by cremation then buried under a beautiful tree somewhere special to me, like on the farm I grew up on. I literally want to Rest In Peace ALONE (or with DH) but not in a cemetery...

 

[lyra]

@monarch64 Just wanted to thank you for introducing me to the Ask a Mortician series. I am watching pretty much every video she makes. It led me to discussing plans with DH and my oldest daughter, and I'm going to link her to the videos as well. I'm glad there is a death-positive way of looking at things. Also, the series gave me answers to questions I'd never thought of, and I find it all very interesting. I'm still going with cremation (no clothes, cardboard box), and would like my ashes planted with a tree. It's something my daughter had looked into and I thought it would be good. I did tell her any celebration would be up to her, that there would be money for that although we don't want funerals of any kind.

 

[azstonie]

Green burial in a green cemetery. No embalming. Linen shroud (good enough for Mozart) and a cardboard box. Toss in my two Buffet clarinets and my sheet music.

No services.

Until threads on Pricescope I did not know that others would criticize and ridicule people who attend services and offer in-person condolences, write condolence letters, send flowers or food, and stay in touch later on.

 

[AprilBaby]

Cremation, no embalming or wake. Memorial service at my church a week later for the kids sake. We have a family fight over my dads cremains from 2000 so right now he is on my fireplace in a gorgeous urn. I guess I will take him with me.

 

[lyra]

Until threads on Pricescope I did not know that others would criticize and ridicule people who attend services and offer in-person condolences, write condolence letters, send flowers or food, and stay in touch later on.

Azstonie, I feel bad that you feel criticized or ridiculed in this way. I think all of those things are fine. Those are the things my parents and grandparents did. It was our way of life. Being a person with only my husband and 2 daughters as family now, and no community of support, no one around us would do this for us. I think it's different for everyone, and being kind and respectful is never out of style. It is polite to do all of those things. It's rude and unkind to criticize someone who does those things.

 

[737liz]

After my grandmother died when I was 10 we scattered her ashes in a river. It was unceremonious. I then decided I wanted to be cremated but to have tons of glitter mixed in. I haven't changed my mind.

 

[TooPatient]

Azstonie, I feel bad that you feel criticized or ridiculed in this way. I think all of those things are fine. Those are the things my parents and grandparents did. It was our way of life. Being a person with only my husband and 2 daughters as family now, and no community of support, no one around us would do this for us. I think it's different for everyone, and being kind and respectful is never out of style. It is polite to do all of those things. It's rude and unkind to criticize someone who does those things.

What Lyra said!

Each person and family and situation is different. We all feel, believe, think differently. We all grieve, mourn, remember differently. That is how it should be!

Fwiw, I have been to huge funerals (2,000+ attendees) and tiny funerals (10 or so) and everything in between. People cry openly, sit silently, smile, or even choose not to attend. I've known people who had no service. Some have been sad events and others happy celebrations. ALL of it is appropriate because it is what was right for each person/family.

 

[HollyS]

I remember how shocked my boss was that he could not send flowers when my grandfather passed because we were not having a service, per Gramps' wishes. We had a family wake, I guess you could call it. He was cremated and Dad later spread his ashes in KY with Mom's ashes. (Father and daughter together again.)

Dave and I are members of an Episcopal church, so we will have the usual service per The Book of Common Prayer. We'll choose our music and readings . . . maybe . . . but we really don't care. We will be elsewhere.

We're both organ donors, and I think we've both decided on cremation. Cremation is less costly, but also more environmentally friendly. We'll ask someone to sprinkle us on something, in something, over something.

We gave my sister a heartfelt goodbye without formal ministers, just us giving eulogies, at a funeral home last March. Her husband does woodworking, so he made a beautiful box for her ashes. Some of her ashes have been sprinkled into the Gulf of Mexico down near Naples, FL and the rest are at home with her family. That's exactly what she would have wanted.

 

[lambskin]

Funerals and weddings...expensive and emotional events that bring out family dysfunction. I'm an organ donor. I want the cheapest way to dispose of my body. Burn it and scatter it. I do not want a funeral plot that no one visits but feels guilty that they don't. I don't want my survivors paying for a repast meal for persons that they do not know, they do not like or I did not like. Send me flowers while I am alive...not to adorn my casket. Visit me now while I am alive, not when it is too late. Save the funeral expenses for survivors' future and remember me that way. Everyone knows I am cheap and I could not imagine spending big bucks on a funeral. Kenny, I am so, so very sorry.

 

[mom2dolls]

DH and I have this conversation periodically over the years. We are both organ donors, then he wishes to be cremated. I am not sure. My mom died ten years ago and her wish was to be cremated. I have a very hard time thinking my girls will have to sit with someone one day making the decision whether to put me in a cardboard box or a nice coffin before burning me. Oh and do they want to burn me alone or with other people. It was terrible . So yeah, I want the least painful road for my girls assuming they will be arranging everything.

 

[Elizabeth35]

Regarding organ donors---my Mom was an organ donor and I was the healthcare POA as well as Executor of her will when she passed away.
If possible--make sure you fully understand specifically how the donation process works in your area. This way you can be sure that whoever is handling your affairs is prepared.
While I appreciated my Mom wanted to be an organ donor, it was a little tough for me to have to meet with the person from the local organ donation organization an hour after she had passed. I remember being in a hospital hallway and needing to answer pages and pages of questions regarding where she had travelled and when, what inoculations she received, medical history, etc. Not only was I in no emotional state for this---I did not have the information that they needed regarding countries visited and dates.
Perhaps it varies but it would have been better if my Mom had provided all that information with annual medical updates.

Another issue (for me) was that I did receive follow up letters after they had harvested tissue and as I remember they were pretty specific saying what they were able to harvest. So ask the organ donation organization what notifications they send out AFTER the donation and think about if it would be upsetting to your family/loved ones.
I was pretty grief-stricken and the letters upset me, even though I understood it was Mom's wishes. If I had known I would have requested opting out of the letters. Maybe most people would be fine with the letters but it would be good to know ahead of time how they handle this and who they notify.

Like all after-death arrangements---way better to have it all spelled out and in the correct hands, and that person needs to have the legal authority to handle everything. It is NOT a time to have folks with different opinions trying to guess what you wanted.

 

[cmd2014]

Mom2dolls, if it helps, my parents have pre-arranged their funerals. They sat down together and decided what they wanted, made all of the arrangements, and pre-paid for it, specifically so that no-one would have to make those types of decisions during a time of grief. They also wanted to avoid the family fights that we have all seen over the when/how/whether and who pays of various family funerals over the years. Maybe you can do that for your children too, whether it turns out to be cremation that you want or not.

Azstonie, I don't think any of those things are worthy of criticism or mocking. I would be really touched if anyone did any of those things for me. The norm where I live is to send a card with a personal message. If it is a good friend, then we'd typically go to the funeral to support the person that you know and care about (provided that the funeral is in town), and to be available for whatever might be needed after. FWIW, I have sent food. When my work colleague passed, I knew her daughter would be coming to town and that her husband was devastated, and I assumed that there might be people dropping in to pay respects, so I had our local specialty food store send a gift basket filled with cheese and crackers and cookies and other non-perishable snacks to be able to easily put out for guests. But she and I had been close and I had been at the house a number of times. If it is not a good friend, then probably just a card would be considered most appropriate.