What are your after-death wishes?

[kenny]

SO, may not last much longer so we've been talking about that taboo subject.
I asked about his wishes and he asked about mine.

I told him, I don't care.
I'll be dead, so do whatev y'alls like.
I told him since I'm a vet so I think part of my pay is a "free" pine box and a place to dump it if they want a place to go to to cry or take a piss.
If the VA provides cremation that's fine too.
What ev.

I don't see the point of funeral services, memorial services.
The only person that matters can't attend.
They're gone.
Just move on, I say.
But, ya know, people vary very much.

What are your wishes?

 

[PintoBean]

Man, this thread sucks. My concern is if people will honor my wishes, especially since I felt bulldozed with my husband's passing...

Your SO is lucky that you know what he wants and I know you'll make it right, and vice versa.

 

[monarch64]

Mushroom suit! If people want to throw some sort of sigh of relief party, good for them. Like you @kenny I’ll be gone and won’t know and won’t care.

Mushroom suits exist but are expensive. What I’d like is for my body to decompose naturally and feed the plants. We spend all of our time here on this planet trying to gain their energy only to die and feed them...at least that’s how nature intends. We humans have some weird rituals that only pollute the earth instead of feed it. It’s freakin gross.

 

[rainwood]

Kenny

I believe it's important to follow the person's wishes, but the memorial service or funeral or wake or celebration of life is mostly for the people left behind so it can be a delicate balancing act. My husband wanted to be cremated so that's what I did, but the celebration of life was something I put together without knowing what, if anything, he would have wanted so I planned a celebration that seemed meaningful to me and his family and friends. A little more than 3 years later, I would do everything exactly the same way.

I want to be cremated and have made arrangements accordingly, but my family is free to do whatever they want beyond that.

 

[Matata]

We have natural burials available here so I'll be planted in a hole and feed a tree seedling in a nearby forest. I opted out of cremation because of environmental impact and think cemetaries are a waste of space. I don't care what friends and relatives do. Whatever ritual is necessary for them is their business. Dh is unclear about his wishes at this time but I'll do whatever he wants.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Kenny
before you go be sure to send me your Octavia...
11 yrs ago we spent over $25K on my dad's funeral. A chinese traditional funeral cost more than some weddings.

 

[monarch64]

Kenny
before you go be sure to send me your Octavia...
11 yrs ago we spent over $25K on my dad's funeral. A chinese traditional funeral cost more than some weddings.

But did you have strippers?

 

[kenny]

 

[Bron357]

My Dad wants some of his ashes sent into space and my mum wants a diamond made from her ashes. Sure.
Me, I don’t mind, I won’t be here so whatever my surviving family and friends feel like doing, is fine by me. Nothing fancy for me, no flowers or anything, waste of money. I just hope to be remembered fondly.

 

[PintoBean]

Just to be a dick, I'd want someone to sprinkle a bit of me into a litter box...

 

[Austina]

I don’t think it’s morbid to think about it. We’ve left instructions in our wills for our funerals, DH no service, straight in the oven, make him in to a diamond so he’ll always be with me, me, small service, in the oven, then throw me to the wind

We’ve even left living wills to say that if we’re in a PVS, switch off the machines. This takes the burden off DS having to make the decision.

Everyone should make a will, (even more important if you have children) to make sure their wishes are clearly stated, saves lots of anguish or disagreements for those left behind.

 

[december-fire]

As @rainwood noted, its not just about the person who passed. Follow the person's wishes, and consider what is respectful to that person and will help those struggling with the loss.

The loss of a loved one is difficult, and the gathering afterwards is part of the process for trying to come to terms with it, and provides others with an opportunity to show support for those grieving.

I think we all want to feel as though we matter and have had some kind of positive impact on others. The celebration of the person's life recognizes their value, and allows people to share ways that the deceased positively impacted their life; not simply through a structured program, but also through one-on-one conversations with the loved ones.

 

[MaisOuiMadame]

Everyone should make a will, (even more important if you have children) to make sure their wishes are clearly stated, saves lots of anguish or disagreements for those left behind.

THIS!

I wish no disagreement and best possible organization for the ones left behind.
Dh can do what he choses to do, I'm sure he'll do the best for the kids.
Since we have small children, we've made detailed arrangements for them in case we both go. I've talked about the subject with my family, closest friends and the kids' godmothers / -fathers in addition to this.
I know my MIL tends to think she has a better /easier (for her) solution to things, so my main concern is to not place the kids separately and to use (up) all funds to provide for them through college. As opposed to "saving" the money to give them later at the expense of their well being during their childhood.

As for the funeral : whatever the kids need to find closure.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I had a dream recently that I was looking at my own gravestone in a cemetery and I was upset that DH couldn't come up with anything witty to put on my stone. So that's what I want.

 

[missy]

My dh and I have living wills and powers of attorney. We have had this in place since the early 2000s. Neither one of us wants to live hooked up to machines. The only issue is we haven't decided what we are doing with our bodies after death.

I want us to be frozen and then brought back to life when medical science makes that possible. Of course that might prove to be too expensive and do I really trust it will be done properly and we will be stored properly etc. Plus I haven't researched this so I don't know how crazy its probably is and my guess is this is not a real option for us.

My dh would like to be cremated but it goes against my beliefs and even though I know many of you will say it should be up to the person who is dead my dh agrees it is OK for him not to be cremated because of how strongly I feel. So we still don't know what we will do.

I know after we are dead it really doesn't matter but it is interesting to think about the options.

I don't want to be buried in the ground. I don't want to be cremated. How about we just live forever?

 

[anne_h]

If circumstances allow, I'd like to be an organ donor. I don't care what happens with my body after that, whatever my family wants to do is fine. I will leave enough money to cover all my final expenses.

 

[Dee*Jay]

I'm with Anne, organ donation (although my liver might not be recyclable at this point! ). The rest of me can be used for education purposes. If someone else can learn from Dee, well so be it. And beyond that... meh... threw me to the fishes. Although I would like a party -- a big big happy party! -- and instructions have been left accordingly.

 

[chrono]

Organ donation and the cheapest option. A dead body is just a bunch of dead organic material that has no value.

 

[Tekate]

@missy you can be paced in an above ground spot, a lot of cemetaries have masoleums not just for urns but bodies.

Me, burn baby burn! then I told my sons I want to go to the beach. So they always threaten to bury me..

I do know after reading a series on Reuters that I would never donate my body to a medical school and I formerly thought I might.

My dh and I have living wills and powers of attorney. We have had this in place since the early 2000s. Neither one of us wants to live hooked up to machines. The only issue is we haven't decided what we are doing with our bodies after death.

I want us to be frozen and then brought back to life when medical science makes that possible. Of course that might prove to be too expensive and do I really trust it will be done properly and we will be stored properly etc. Plus I haven't researched this so I don't know how crazy its probably is and my guess is this is not a real option for us.

My dh would like to be cremated but it goes against my beliefs and even though I know many of you will say it should be up to the person who is dead my dh agrees it is OK for him not to be cremated because of how strongly I feel. So we still don't know what we will do.

I know after we are dead it really doesn't matter but it is interesting to think about the options.

I don't want to be buried in the ground. I don't want to be cremated. How about we just live forever?

 

[mtsapphirelovingannie]

It is a real kindness to surviving friends and family to leave clear directions. My grandmother even wrote her obituary and that was of great help to us when we were grieving.

Survivors should do what is helpful to them in grief as far as services. However, I hate the idea of my corpse being put on display. It saddens me that so many of my last memories of people are this image. I have written that I do not want that but want to be directly cremated. I would like my ashes buried near my grandparents' grave. I would also like a simple tombstone.

 

[LJsapphire]

I want to donate as many bits of me are useful to others when I go. And then I want the cheapest, most environmentally friendly burial as possible. I don't think I want to be cremated. I don't want my family to have to pay for a big service.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

DH and I have talked about this before we were even married, over 10 years ago. We were in our early 20's and already had those conversations. We both want to be cremated. We do not want any religious ceremonies, since we are both atheists. We do want a "wake" for family and friends, hopefully a time where people will share good and funny stories about us, and hopefully how we managed to make the world a slightly better place. After we are both eventually dead and cremated we want our ashes mixed together and dumped in the pond where we were married. Let the cycle continue.

 

[marymm]

Yup, DH and I both are going with organ donation and cremation ... slight preference for the ashes being scattered in some of our favorite nature spots but don't really care ... neither of us desire a memorial service but are leaving it up to the surviving spouse to do what he/she feels the need to do, when the time comes.

 

[lyra]

It doesn't matter to me. I hope there will be no ceremony. Sometimes survivors need to do something, so I wouldn't rule that out, but I can't imagine any kind of memorial. I will be cremated. I don't care what happens after that. They can keep me in a closet or in the garage until DH joins me or whatever, and spread our ashes somewhere. I don't care where. Should I be more specific? Would that make things easier for my kids? I haven't really thought about it to be honest.

 

[luv2sparkle]

I don’t care. I hope they cremate me, but my survivors can do whatever they want. My mom’s ashes are in a box under my stairs. I have never been able to spread them. I felt like it would tie me to a place. I don’t care about any kind of service either.

 

[monarch64]

Organ donation and the cheapest option. A dead body is just a bunch of dead organic material that has no value.

Respectfully disagree that dead bodies have no value—organic matter is great worm food and fertilizer for soil and plants!

 

[stracci2000]

Dh and I have agreed that cremation is what we want.
And there's a special place we want our ashes to be scattered.
No service, no memorial, no gathering of family/friends.

 

[kenny]

I'm an extreme introvert.
The last thing I wanted to do when grieving the loss of my best friend last year was to go socialize over it at the funeral/memorial/boat trip to scatter the ashes.
Besides, the only person I wanted to see wasn't there.
When the brain stops so does the rest of the person ... the mind/soul/spirit/energy/& whatev else people have invented (and pretend it's not invented) to feel warm and fuzzy.

I needed to grieve alone, and did.

There is a lot of social pressure to go to support others.
I offered my condolences and told everyone why I didn't attend.
Others accepting me not going supported me.

I'm not completely thoughtless though.
I gave an original painting of my friend to her mom and bought a cassette deck to transfer tapes of my friend and I, as teenagers, singing and playing guitar in their home.

Some were shocked I didn't go.
People should be allowed to vary in this way too.

 

[Queenie60]

I'm an extreme introvert.
The last thing I wanted to do when grieving the loss of my best friend last year was to go socialize over it at the funeral/memorial/boat trip to scatter the ashes.
Besides, the only person I wanted to see wasn't there.
When the brain stops so does the rest of the person ... the mind/soul/spirit/energy/& whatev else people have invented (and pretend it's not invented) to feel warm and fuzzy.

I needed to grieve alone, and did.

There is a lot of social pressure to go to support others.
I offered my condolences and told everyone why I didn't attend.
Others accepting me not going supported me.

I'm not completely thoughtless though.
I gave an original painting of my friend to her mom and bought a cassette deck to transfer tapes of my friend and I, as teenagers, singing and playing guitar in their home.

Some were shocked I didn't go.
People should be allowed to vary in this way too.

I completely agree - everyone has a different way of grieving. I tend to not show too much emotion and process it internally. We're all different and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. I'm sorry Kenny, that you're experiencing the grief of your SO's declining health. Sending good thoughts and well wishes your way. Take care Kenny.

 

[lyra]

I was the absolute wreck at the funerals I HAD to attend. I mean, the most emotional wreck out of anyone. I would prefer to grieve alone. But a weird thing happened when my mom died. I desperately wanted some kind of service, a memorial, anything. No one left in my family agreed. It was really hard to recover from that loss. So though I may be the wreck of the funeral, I think in some way it did give closure. I did not go to my FIL's funeral 2 years ago. I couldn't bear to go and be the major wreck for that. I don't think it helps other people seeing me fall completely apart. Grieving is just a difficult process, and ideally there would be no pressure on anyone to do anything. That's why I leave it open ended. Have a memorial or party or nothing. It's about the living at that point, and they can decide.