What ADVICE Would You Give to Newlyweds?

[iLander]

Kenny's 10 year Manniversary ( ) brought this topic to mind: if you were to give advice to newlyweds, what would it be? What's worked for you and your SO, and helped to make your lives together happier?

Please start with the length of the relationship (yes, noobs can play too ) and follow with what's worked for you.

No judging, please. This is a happy thread.

27 YEARS--

1. Whoever complains about it, has to fix it; if the towels on the floor bother me, I have to pick them up. If they don't, there they stay, until they bother DH. No blame, no expectations. If the messy kitchen bothers DH, he has to clean it up. If the dripping faucet bothers me, I call a plumber. There are often times when one of us will be cleaning away, and the other just sits and watches TV (I am often the sitter). But somehow, this bothers neither of us. No expectations about the small stuff.

2. Talk about every little thing. We analyze stuff to death, but that is how we both are. I can't repress or contain myself, and DH likes to talk things out. This works well for us.

3. Find out what makes your SO feel loved: This occurred to me a couple of years ago, so I asked "What would make you feel more loved?" Turns out, it's stupid little stuff like picking up his favorite candy bar at the store or asking before I change the channel on the TV. I like him to help me with my jewelry clasps and I don't like when he makes dinner and then prepares my plate. I feel loved that I can make my own plate, even though it ruins the presentation he's going for. Stupid stuff. This simple question increased our happiness about 10%.

 

[ForteKitty]

Laugh- everything gets better when you are able to laugh about it.

 

[Imdanny]

We've known each other for over 20 and lived together for the last 16.

Be kind and gentle to each other. It sounds like a cliche but I'm being very serious. Fighting will just hurt the other person and tear both of you down.

We're nicer to each other than we used to be, but it took time. I wish it could have always been the way it is now.

If you don't understand the other person, ask, talk to them, don't make assumptions. You could end up making enough assumptions that you're not focused on the other person, and that's a bad thing, and maybe it's necessary if you have to go through it, but if you could avoid it, you'd both be happier.

In a long term relationship, whether you're starting one or contemplating one, you have to be committed to that person. You will need that commitment to face life's challenges.

It can be (for me it is) the best part life. It can also be very challenging. I don't think it's easy. Just remember the two of you are there to support each other and to be there for each other in life. It's not about one person being blissfully or selfishly happy at any given moment. My advice, truly, is if you're not going to accept the "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" part, then you're not prepared for it, for what it really is, between the falling in love part and every other good thing about it, because it's all of it, good and bad, just like life.

 

[Aoife]

After 36 years:

Never say:

"You always......"
or
"You never...."

Anything you say after those words will induce instant defensiveness, and guarantee that even if there is a weensy bit of truth to the accusation, your partner IS NO LONGER LISTENING.

 

[Skippy123]

Married almost 11 years this April.

Pick your battles because no one ends up winning in the end!

Make your spouse your best friend.

Try to do the little things for each other.

Hug and kiss everyday.

 

[Dancing Fire]

have your kids early and get out of debt as soon as possible.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Married 4 years this July...

1. It doesn't matter what you say, but rather how you say it..."honey, would please take the trash out" sounds so much better than "Husband, trash, now!"

2. Don't lose sight of who you are and what your independent interests are. Marriage can blur the lines between where you start and he ends...so make time to focus on things that are uniquely you.

3. Fight the good fight. If you're going to argue--and you will--make it about something that matters. The world will go on if you let the small things slide.

4. Always hold hands. I know it sounds stupid...but 4 years later it still makes me feel special and very much loved when my husband grabs my hand while we're walking together.

5. Present a united front. Doesn't matter if we're talking children, IL's or anything else. Make sure that you're speaking and acting as a team, on the same page.

 

[yennyfire]

Great advice everyone! I'd agree with each and every one of them!

Married 9 years (in 10 days!)...

DO NOT get married/make a committment expecting your SO to change significantly. It won't happen and will only make both of you miserable. If you can't live with whatever it is now, you won't be able to live with it later.

The exception to the above is called "compromise" ...case in point: I am a fairly organized, neat person. DH is a slob. Before we got engaged, I told him that was a deal breaker for me...it would make me crazy to live in a pit. The compromise is that his office is his space and I don't comment on the fact that you can't see the floor...he makes a huge effort to keep the common areas of our home neat, both to keep me happy and to set a good example for the kids


Good old fashioned kindness and respect. Without it, the rest of it (lots of laughter, great sex, etc.) doesn't matter much.

 

[Haven]

Married 2.5 years, together 6.5 years.

My advice:

- Make all of your decisions based on what is best for you, as a couple.

- If your partner is upset about something, listen to him, and don't make it about yourself. The loving partner reacts to an upset partner by thinking "Wow, I don't want him to be upset, what can I do to help that?" and not "I can't believe he doesn't like xyz about the way I do things, that is so unfair/rude/ridiculous!" (It took me a while to master this one.)

- Take care of each other. That's your job, now.

- Someone is always going to be better at washing the dishes. Let that person be in charge of it. Otherwise, that damn dishwasher is going to become a source of marital upset.

- If something is more important to him, do it his way. If something is more important to you, do it your way. It's not worth the battle if it really matters more to one of you.

- Marriage isn't about everything being 50/50. Some seasons, you will do more and handle more and contribute more. That's okay. He'll end up doing more, handling more, and contributing more at some point in the future. Time has a way of throwing things off balance, but it all evens out in the end. Or it doesn't. But that's not the point.

- Enjoy your time together. What a blessing to have found someone you want to marry. I'm going to steal the last line of my ketubah, because it means a lot to us, and I think it's apt, here:
Live each day as the first, the last, and the only day you will have with each other.

 

[athenaworth]

6.5 years

I love these! We're a little rocky now, but the one thing that's worked best for me is to always remember to put yourself into the other's shoes, at least for a minute, before you blow your top.

 

[marymm]

together 20 years, married 14

Express love and affection daily in word and act; don't take each other for granted; be kind; encourage separate and shared interests; know there will be peaks and valleys and all terrain in between; when you disagree or argue, do not resort to insults.

 

[soocool]

Married over 21 years:

Accept each other as is, even with all the flaws. That is what makes us unique and by accepting each other with all our flaws in tact we know that it is true love, because real love triumphs over everything else.

As an example, DH always leaves his socks on the floor. I pick them up and put them in the hamper. For a second I wonder why he always does this, but then I wonder how I would feel if he was not around to leave them there.

 

[onedrop]

Married 4 years this coming April.

- Be patient with each other.
- Learn to truly listen to your partner
- Be able to spend quiet time with each other comfortably
- Do your best to solve problems between the two of you
- Do not involve your family/friends in your marriage issues. If you must talk to someone other than your spouse/S.O. about relationship issues, find a trusted friend or family member that can keep perspective about the situation
- Make your partner feel safe to express his/her feelings

This is a great thread!

Edited for grammar.

 

[jewelerman]

my advice would be ...don't get married...okay just kidding....carry on with the real advice.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Married 27 years:

Make sure you LIKE the person you are marrying and have absolutely NO EXPECTATION of changing him/her, because you won't.

Don't sweat the small stuff. And realize that 90% of what you think is vitally important is small stuff....I wish I could go back in time and take back a LOT of things I over reacted to..Seriously, nobody died because the soap in the bathroom was the wrong color.

Appreciate the little things he/she does. My husband leaves for work before I get up, yet he STILL brings in the newspaper, takes it out of the bag and puts it on the kitchen table for me. He got into doing it for me when my arthritis was so bad I couldn't even open a door...I've told him I can do it myself but he told me he likes doing it for me...so I remind myself to thank him for it. And I try to remember to do little things for him...he likes it when I bake for him, so I do like to surprise him with different things...

Don't count on him/her to make you happy. That's not what marriage is. You won't have a successful partnership unless you are happy within yourself.

Do not, no matter how angry you are, dump on your partner to your children. Ever. They will remember long after you've forgotten what the fight was about.

 

[CUSO]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

 

[somethingshiny]

married 11 years, together 14.

Work out how to argue. You're going to argue and it's just silly to say you won't. Discuss your rules of disagreements. Ours are no name calling, no bringing in each others families, no past incidences, not in front of the kids, and always seated at the kitchen table.

Find some way to make your partner smile every day.

Talk about everything. No subjects are off limits.

Always answer truthfully. Sometimes the truth will hurt, but not as bad as deception.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

We've known each other for over 20 and lived together for the last 16.

Be kind and gentle to each other. It sounds like a cliche but I'm being very serious. Fighting will just hurt the other person and tear both of you down.

We're nicer to each other than we used to be, but it took time. I wish it could have always been the way it is now.

If you don't understand the other person, ask, talk to them, don't make assumptions. You could end up making enough assumptions that you're not focused on the other person, and that's a bad thing, and maybe it's necessary if you have to go through it, but if you could avoid it, you'd both be happier.

In a long term relationship, whether you're starting one or contemplating one, you have to be committed to that person. You will need that commitment to face life's challenges.

It can be (for me it is) the best part life. It can also be very challenging. I don't think it's easy. Just remember the two of you are there to support each other and to be there for each other in life. It's not about one person being blissfully or selfishly happy at any given moment. My advice, truly, is if you're not going to accept the "for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health" part, then you're not prepared for it, for what it really is, between the falling in love part and every other good thing about it, because it's all of it, good and bad, just like life.

This - the red text especially. I've been married 5.5 years and together 8 years. With marriage there's the good, the bad and the ugly - sometimes all at once and you must be there to support each other through the trying times.

Another thing that I think is so important in marriage is trust. If you don't trust your partner then I do not think you have any business getting married.

 

[iLander]

We're nicer to each other than we used to be, but it took time. I wish it could have always been the way it is now.

It's always this way. You get closer as you get go along. The first few years of bumping into each other's rough edges has a tendency to smooth them away. It will get even better.

 

[iLander]

6.5 years

I love these! We're a little rocky now, but the one thing that's worked best for me is to always remember to put yourself into the other's shoes, at least for a minute, before you blow your top.

It's probably just seven year itch. I know it's a terrible cliche, but it seems to be so true, I've seen it a lot, even in my own marriage. Our seventh year was the rockiest. I have no idea why it is this way. When you get through it, you'll feel a lot better. I didn't really feel back in the groove until our ninth year, actually.

Anybody else have any experience with seven year itch?

 

[iLander]

My husband leaves for work before I get up, yet he STILL brings in the newspaper, takes it out of the bag and puts it on the kitchen table for me. He got into doing it for me when my arthritis was so bad I couldn't even open a door...I've told him I can do it myself but he told me he likes doing it for me...

This really touches me . . .

 

[iLander]

Marriage isn't about everything being 50/50. Some seasons, you will do more and handle more and contribute more. That's okay. He'll end up doing more, handling more, and contributing more at some point in the future. Time has a way of throwing things off balance, but it all evens out in the end. Or it doesn't. But that's not the point.

This. So true!

 

[NOYFB]

Just for fun, I asked hubby this question and this was his response:

"Don't take yourself too seriously and don't sweat the small stuff (it's ALL small stuff). The really little things about your partner that make you mad, in the long run, don't really matter."

I have to agree with him. But this goes along with picking your battles. And not trying to change each other. There's a reason you fell in love with each other. If you try to start changing who it is you fell in love with, you will fall out of love.

Be each other's best friend.
Respect each other's need for privacy.

And my old time favorite...never ever go to bed mad. Even if that means you stay up until 4:00am fighting. The end result is well worth losing sleep over.

Together for 14 years, married for 10 (on 2/10/11)

 

[meresal]

My parents told me this before I got married in July of 2009, and I am still trying to master it...

Don't keep count.

ETA:
Together 4.5 years, Married 1.5

 

[marcy]

We will celebrate 20 years in June.

Don't stress or fight over little things
Don't accuse or be confrontational
Remember to laugh and have some fun
Remember you both have irritating habits
Don't play games with each other - be honest
Don't hint or assume your SO knows what you want, mean or need - ask
Show interest in their hobbies and work
Greet then at the door with a smile not with anger, frustration or unloading your problems on them
Make major decisions together

 

[kenny]

Save heavily and live well below your means from day 1.

 

[somethingshiny]

We had a bit of the Seven Year Itch too. It wasn't seven years of marriage, but seven years together. For us, those little things that were no big deal began to grate on the nerves. The crazy guy I fell in love with wasn't being the type of husband I wanted. He was still exactly the same, but I thought he'd grow up a bit more. After I realized that he hadn't changed, I had, it got better. He also had to put forth more energy into doing right things more than fun things. I had to let go a LOT. After our first child, there was a HUGE adjustment period too. That was actually our seventh year of marriage. He had a hard time with not being the center of attention any more and I had a hard time with completely ignoring him because I was in mommy-mode.

 

[Imdanny]

My SO's advice (to himself) would be whatever I say, he should say, "Yes, dear." and so he does, leaving me to intuit whether 1. he agrees with me, 2. he doesn't agree with me but can live my decision, 3., he doesn't agree with me and will resent the decision if I make it.

Luckily, I have this game down pat now and I always figure out whether it's 1, 2, or 3.

I'm not sure his advice would be more complicated than that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I believe reading Dr. Laura's book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" should be mandatory for all newlyweds.

You MUST be joking!

 

[Autumnovember]

October 8, 2011 is the date of the wedding and I must say, this thread has been wonderful. Thank you, all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!