Weight

[Jambalaya]

[QUOTE="sonnyjane, I guess I'm just getting frustrated by your comments because for a thread complaining about too much value on a person's weight, you're putting WAY too much value on a person's weight![/QUOTE]

It's called trying to accommodate another point of view, and not assuming that your own world view is the right one. It's called being flexible and open in your approach and your thinking. "I" think that a marriage partner should love me AND sexually desire me if I'm 90 lb or 300lb, even if I look drastically different from when I got married, but many people disagree with that viewpoint. Why are they wrong? Why am I right?

 

[Jambalaya]

Your size and his have NOTHING to do with each other when it comes to attraction.
Everyone just likes whatever they like.
Some like different, some like the same.

Please let people vary.

Damn the quite function. Still can't use it properly.

Kenny, you posted a gallery of photos of men you find attractive. Unless you know each one up close and personal, I was assuming we'd strayed into talking about physical attraction. If you know all of them and love them for their political viewpoints and charitable donations, then excuse me - I misunderstood.

And for many people, initial attraction - at least, the first few minutes- IS about what "one" usually finds attractive. And you just said that his size has nothing to do with my attraction. You don't know that! Maybe I DO only find the rangy attractive, at least at first!

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

I have NO idea how to use the new PS quote system, let alone the partial quote.

So asscherhalo said:

"Oh FFS, there's so much going on here and it's driving me crazy."

This is a REALLY complex topic, much more so than I realized when I started researching. If it drives you crazy, shield your eyes from it!

I love that this is the one thing that you took from my post. What was driving me crazy was how you couldn't understand that there are husband's out there who are attracted to their obese wives. I think now you know that there are. I don't mind the discussion but it does make me angry when people think that no one is attracted to obese people, or that we don't have active (and I do mean active, obese does not mean sedentary) sex lives.

I get this kind of crap all of the time. I have many single colleagues who have openly admitted to me that they don't understand how I'm happily married with a child while they, thin and fit as can be, are single or divorced.

I am in the process of getting approved for bariatric surgery. My husband and I have discussed in depth what will likely happen to my body as I lose weight. He has expressed concern over me completely losing my booty and what I'll look like. But guess what? We actually spoke about it together, and have still agreed to move forward as it's best for my long term health. So even if there are changes in a partner, as long as communication is open and people actually deal with the challenges of life as they come, I don't see a reason for divorce. I think the 50% number you threw out is accurate though, I'm sure that many people are just not meant for a lifetime marraige. Much like my friends who are still single, they're probably pretty shallow.

 

[Jambalaya]

I didn't just throw out those numbers; it was discussed in the Economist, a serious source. I found it in the course of doing research, and then read it thoroughly. It wasn't a throw-away number that I tossed out.

And it's not true that I think what you said above in your first couple of lines. i try hard to understand the opposite viewpoint, that's all. I think that partners should love me for my inner beauty, but why am I right? Many people wold say that it's extremely important to be physically attracted to their partner, allowing for natural changes.

Did anybody read the distilled gist of my research? That it's NOT just about appearance, but a sense of betrayal and a lack of respect. I'll post it again:

"If my partner cared about my needs at all, he/she would make more of an effort. I've articulated time and time again that I can't live like this. I'm too young to say goodbye to an exciting sex life. I can't get my legs around him in bed [that one is a true quote]. His/her lack of self-respect is a turn-off. What upsets me is that my feelings don't matter. My needs are cast aside. She/he looks like a totally different person from the one I married, yet I am supposed to be attracted to him/her the same."

While I still think that people should be loved for their inner beauty, what i found is that it's not just about what's there in front of you, for some people, but about a missing sense of partnership and respect for the others' needs. It sounds as if your marriage doesn't suffer with regards to this issue, Asscherhalo, but clearly not everyone's is the same, otherwise I wouldn't know SIX marriages with current or past weight issues, and that study discussed in the Economist wouldn't have the 50% figure. No doubt some or many of these people are shallow so-and-sos, but some are also experiencing a sense of betrayal that seems quite genuine, in at least some of the stuff I read.

I WANT to be loved for my inner beauty, but perhaps that's not reality, at least not for a lot of people.

FWIW, I am clinically obese and not so far from the morbidly obese category.

 

[Calliecake]

Asscherhalo Lover mentioned another very important fact in this discussion. Some people bail at the first big sign of trouble and don't communicate with their partner when problems arise. These people aren't going to stick around for 20 or more years of marriage regardless of weight. Lets be brutally honest, if you have been married more than 20 years there is no way you look exactly like you did when you were young, weight gain or not. Appearances change as we age. There is a reason the plastic surgery industry is doing so well. After age 50 it's all smoke and mirrors regarding appearance.

I still think that if a marriage is built on mutual love and respect your chances of surviving anything are going to be much greater. Marriage is work and all marriages ebb and flow.

Kenny I LOL at the pictures of men your described as your type. One of my single girlfriends has always had your taste in men.

 

[Jambalaya]

Much like my friends who are still single, they're probably pretty shallow.

But why do you have friends that are shallow? And just because they're single, doesn't make them shallow!

 

[Jambalaya]

Some people bail at the first big sign of trouble and don't communicate with their partner when problems arise.

Hmm, the one husband who apparently doesn't have another lover and insists it's all about the weight has been communicating with his wife about it for eight years. But you cannot force someone into being your ideal of physical attractiveness. You'd hope that someone would love you anyway, though.

 

[kenny]

Kenny, you posted a gallery of photos of men you find attractive.
Unless you know each one up close and personal, I was assuming we'd strayed into talking about physical attraction.

Yes of course, physical, being only pics.

I've already fleshed out (pardon the pun) physical vs. non-physical attraction on this thread.

I posted those pics (as worth a thousand words) for why Leo DiCaprio (whom you described having a universal appeal ... a term I find to be nonsense) doesn't and could never turn my head.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

But why do you have friends that are shallow? And just because they're single, doesn't make them shallow!

I interchanged colleague with friend, this one in particular, the one who said she couldn't believe that I'm married and she's single, is extremely shallow. We are work "friends", I do not go out of my way to see her beyond work. I am not actually friends with people who have her viewpoint.

It's very interesting to hear that there ARE husbands who don't mind when their wives are in the clinically obese category. I was beginning to wonder if they all felt the same but just didn't say it. So maybe these other husbands are just asshats.

This is what I was referring to when I mentioned you being surprised there are men attracted to obese women. I'm not sure how else you meant this to be taken?

And for my use of the word "throw", I said I agreed with that, I wasn't attacking your number, I should have used the word "quote" some it was based on your research. Sorry.

 

[Jambalaya]

Assch, I said in that quote that I was "beginning to wonder." As in beginning to wonder if everyone felt that shallow way, because it was news to me if so. It was "interesting" to hear this because I had never asked the question. I just assumed it was true, assumed that anyone out of junior high knows that people's value is not about their looks. Then I got a six-marriage shock. And also, remember, my experience is that I don't get many dates, and I'm very heavy. I thought it was just because I don't meet that many men, but I was being forced by my recent experiences to reconsider. One by one, all these friends confessed to their difficulties. Three broke up, and then from the three others it was like, "Well, actually....Chris left me for two days over my weight, too, and then was mean to me for six months" etc etc etc. (That couple went on to have a family after the husband decided he wanted to be with her after all, but the cat was out of the bag about his thoughts on her weight. They're still together.)

So, having asked the question here, it was interesting to have my own beliefs confirmed, hence my caps "It's very interesting to hear that there ARE men who are" etc etc. Meaning, "ARE, like I thought!" and then said "I was beginning to wonder IF everyone felt that way."

Unfortunately, there's a conflict between my research and what people here say.

Your colleague: She said what??!! She said she can't believe you're married and she's not?? Meaning because of weight? Oh, man! I would've wanted to kill her! Yes, that's incredibly shallow.

I was walking at the mall the other week, and this young guy hanging out of a car with other young guys yells at me "That's a fat ass!" Good thing I don't set much store by my appearance, otherwise I'd have been really upset. I was a little surprised, but not upset.

 

[Jambalaya]

Getting back to my friends, I can't just say "Well, he's a shallow a-hole, you're better off without him." They love their husbands and two have kids. I remember when I was considering divorce how hurtful it was when people suggested I should just toss my marriage in the garbage, just like that. Minimizing the complexities of their situations won't help. It's not like dating when you can just say "Better off without him!" There are torn futures and broken dreams strewn around.

I guess I'll just make comforting noises and let them figure out what's right for them. It's hard to see your friends hurt, though. I DO feel that the husbands are shallow so-and-sos, but me calling the man they chose to devote many years of her life to, and father kids with, a you-know-what is not helpful. It's done now.

 

[Asscherhalo_lover]

Re: the fat ass comment, some mean it in a bad way, others in a good way, lol.

There will always be men and women who will instantly dislike us or judge us for being fat. It's not like we can hide it, it's the first thing you can judge about a person. It's the first insult that people ever hurl my way. I've been called "fat" as an insult more times than I can count. It never stops hurting, but it certainly is an ******* filter.

No matter what, we can't completely know what is going on in your friends marraiges. If you're more worried about your own options, at least you can know that any man who is attracted to you as you are won't leave you for being fat. If you think they might leave you if you ever lose weight, make sure you talk about that long before things get serious. I can say that as a life long day woman, I know there are plenty of men who looked my way and immediately judged me as unattractive because of my weight, and I've had the opposite happen as well. It is what it is. Get out there, heck, try tinder. Find the men do like some fluff, you'll probably be able to find a skinny guy who you're attracted to as well. Happy hunting!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

You know I think that there is someone for everyone, not one soulmate but there are multiple possible partners for every person. Some of those partners will care about weight and for others it won't be an issue.

My husband is 260lbs at 6'3, he is a big guy, he has dated girls that were much bigger than me as well as smaller. We have talked preferences before and his ideal is tall, thin, dark hair, green eyes and an accent. Well I am 5'3, 180lbs (and working on it) light brown hair, brown eyes and no accent to be found. Despite this I would get the farm he wouldn't leave me for my weight. If anything it would be our difference in sex drive (I am low compared to him) and the hurt feelings and misunderstandings that can result.

Jambalaya, I really think that there is someone out there for you if you want a relationship. I got the feeling that this situation with your multiple friends has rattled you a bit because it makes you feel your chances of true love are diminished because of your weight.

I could be totally off base, this is just by impression. Don't let these husbands of your friends rattle you. There is love to be found if you lead with love.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thank you Assch and Stephanie xxx

 

[cmd2014]

First, I'm not sure The Economist really counts as a sound psychological or sociological peer reviewed journal, with appropriate sampling techniques and statistical analysis so as to be robust, replicable, and generalizable (the standards of social science research).

But more importantly, we're talking about individual differences and value systems. 50% of people may be and/or prioritize a whole lot of things. Just because something is common, doesn't mean it's the only way of being, or even the right way of being. If you're a vegan (or member of a specific ethnic, religious, educational, professional, gender identity, sexual orientation, or other type of select group) and are committed to marrying someone who shares your particular group status, you might be looking at a small percentage of the population as being in your available dating pool. This doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you or that you're undateable. It just means that you're going to need to be more selective. The bottom line is that YOU need to find someone who values the same things you do, and who values YOU just the way that you are. Lots of people (men and women) value and prioritize all sorts of things that probably don't bode well for a long term relationship (money, looks, status, sex appeal, image, a nice car) and overlook all sorts of other things (addictions, gambling, selfishness, narcissism, mental health issues, cheating, financial irresponsiblilty, lack of ambition, lack of capacity for commitment, lack of empathy, conflict with family, lack of shared goals, dreams, values...you name it) that they should probably pay attention to if they are really looking for a lasting relationship. You also need to keep in mind that people 1) negotiate relationships, 2) choose partners based on their own value systems, and 3) teach people how to treat them through how they respond to the behavior of others.

So despite appearing "so much in love" in the beginning, you have no idea what each of your friends prioritized when they picked their partners or what they overlooked. What was felt to be important vs what was not. What was defined as "sexy" (which is so individually and culturally based that there truly is no 'universal standard') and what was not. Maybe looks were highly prioritized and valued in their specific relationships (at least by their husbands) and now it shows. They negotiated these relationships including accepting a partner who placed a high value on weight/looks and a low value on commitment, love, shared parenting, and inner beauty. This is not universal. We all get to choose who we pick as a partner and what they value.

But I do wish you'd stop implying that all men married to overweight women are unhappy, dissatisfied with their partners perceived attractiveness, or lacking in their sex life. There are men who actually prefer plus sized women. There are also certain cultures that prefer plus sized women. There are people who care less about looks and care more about other things, and find that their partner is attractive because of these other things. Think the Hef gets playboy bunnies because he's hot? I think not. Or the smart is sexy crowd? Doubt it. Think a smart, highly educated, professionally employed, uber liberal women would date the stereotypical Trump supporter, no matter how 'hot' he might be physically? I'm not seeing it somehow. People find the locks to their keys. Look for yours, and don't assume you have to be anything other than what you are.

 

[kenny]

If you're a vegan (or member of a specific ethnic, religious, educational, professional, gender identity, sexual orientation, or other type of select group) and are committed to marrying someone who shares your particular group status, you might be looking at a small percentage of the population as being in your available dating pool.

FWIW, I've never been commited to settling down with some like me. (Glob forbid! )
My SO is opposite of me in many many ways.
We actually have few things in common.
Obviously, one is being gay.

I deeply get that people vary, so when shopping for an SO, I didn't need a carbon copy of Kenny.
Are you really saying that married people have to be the same in all those ways?

When we met I was skinny and he was heavy.
Now it's reversed.
I tell people we got a liposuck-transplant and we have compatibly fat types.

 

[jordyonbass]

When we met I was skinny and he was heavy.
Now it's reversed.
I tell people we got a liposuck-transplant and we have compatibly fat types.

LOL this reminds me of my best mate and I. For years he was 135lb and I was 220lb, we've almost swapped. He is over 210lb and I am below 175lb now.

Our running joke: I lost the weight and he ended up finding it

 

[House Cat]

.

Maybe I'm a shallow A-hole because when single a skinny guy wouldn't catch my eye.
No matter how good his character is, if the spark ain't there then the spark ain't there so it can't advance beyond friendship.
IMO when it comes to romance all parts of the person matter, including how you feel about the appearance of him/her.
Insisting that appearance doesn't matter is pious and unrealistic.

That said, taking a marriage vow changes everything.
Once vowed, you're stuck together till death, no matter what.
If that's a problem don't take such a vow, or change the wording of the vows.

I'm not sure if I am reading you correctly...

It is pious and unrealistic if people do not think as you do?

People vary.

I would like to point out that there are many, MANY "unattractive" people walking this earth that are happily married.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

One more thing I forgot to mention that I think is important, love is more than a feeling it is also a choice. A lot of people expect to feel love for their spouse or partner and when that wanes they bail because the feeling is gone and they don't know what to do. Love however is also a choice, there have been times I haven't felt love for my husband but CHOSE to keep loving him. Sure people "fall in love" but there is also a choice that goes along with that. For example you could develop feelings for someone and not act on them for whatever reason, making a conscious choice that overrules the feelings you are experiencing.

Maybe this also explains why some women stick by their husbands who cheat, they choose to keep loving them, of course there may be other reasons but at the end of the day they are making a choice.

 

[cmd2014]

FWIW, I've never been commited to settling down with some like me. (Glob forbid! )
My SO is opposite of me in many many ways.
We actually have few things in common.
Obviously, one is being gay.

I deeply get that people vary, so when shopping for an SO, I didn't need a carbon copy of Kenny.
Are you really saying that married people have to be the same in all those ways?

When we met I was skinny and he was heavy.
Now it's reversed.
I tell people we got a liposuck-transplant and we have compatibly fat types.

Kenny,

Clearly your dating pool excludes heterosexual men (roughly 90% of the male population, iirc). You also excluded people who didn't suit you within that group (for all sorts of valid reasons). A bunch are also probably spoken for, out of an appropriate age range, and don't live near you. So your available dating pool might be more like 0.5% (or less) of the population depending on where you live, your age group, and how common or rare the traits are that you in particular are looking for.

So I'm not saying that people are looking for carbon copies of themselves. I'm just saying that simply because a high percentage of the population might be a certain way, doesn't mean that's what any individual is looking for or needs to pick for themselves. So if 50% of hetero men are grossed out by overweight women (and are openly judgy about it as Jambalaya suggests based on The Economist article), and you happen not to share that value system (or are either overweight or at risk of being so), you just need to look for a partner in the sample that's left. Yes, it might be a smaller percentage of the general population, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Big picture what I'm still saying is that partner choice matters. Jambalaya's friends husbands might have been members of the group that believe what she quoted. I find the beliefs described appalling...but they have the right to them. I just wouldn't choose to be with someone like that, nor would someone like that choose to be with me. If that rules out 50% of the hetero male dating population, so be it. Kiss a lot of frogs, find the particular lock to your key. Try not to choose poorly.

 

[Kbell]

I feel like a terrier hacking away at a bone, trying to get at the truth and the heart of a matter. I'm not going to let my own romantic views get in the way of staring the truth in the face.

Here's my question:

Does physical beauty matter in love and sex?

If we all gained weight until we were morbidly obese and we stayed that way permanently, can we be sure our partners would love and desire us just the same?

if not, why not? After all, we are the same person inside. They would be sleeping with, talking to, and dining with, EXACTLY THE SAME PERSON.

So why would 50% of 70,000 people say they would dump their partner for gaining weight?

I keep at this because I really don't understand it myself. I can understand the intellectual reasoning, but my heart and soul doesn't want to accept it.

I'm kind of having a crisis - especially since I'm rally overweight myself! Is there no hope for me??

I think part of the problem is you are ONLY focusing on the weight factor. In my opinion, with significant weight change (gain or loss) comes significant lifestyle change.

If I were to gain 100 pounds there is no way I would be the same person I am now. I would likely be much less confident, depressed, inactive, and basically much more unhappy in general and probably not a fun/happy/positive person to be around. Again this is ME not all women...and I don't have the perfect figure by any means but I'm perfectly OK/happy with where I'm at. Activity is how I release stress/anxiety/anger... and I feel awesome during & after! If I lost that outlet where would those negative feelings manifest? Would I take it out on my partner & others? Would I refuse to do things with them that I used to? Would I want to hide because I felt shitty about myself?

And opposite - if I woman went from 250 to 150 - how was it accomplished? Diet & exercise? Maybe their partner liked their lazy lifestyle, doesn't want to be more active, doesn't want to eat healthy, doesn't want to do anything different than how they were... and now is angry that they aren't doing the usual sit on the couch & watch movies & order take out... they're resentful even though the other is bettering themselves healthwise. You can not tell me these things do not influence a relationship. I'm sorry, but it is almost never just about a # on the scale. So I debate how they are "exactly the same person".

 

[LLJsmom]

I think part of the problem is you are ONLY focusing on the weight factor. In my opinion, with significant weight change (gain or loss) comes significant lifestyle change.

If I were to gain 100 pounds there is no way I would be the same person I am now. I would likely be much less confident, depressed, inactive, and basically much more unhappy in general and probably not a fun/happy/positive person to be around. Again this is ME not all women...and I don't have the perfect figure by any means but I'm perfectly OK/happy with where I'm at. Activity is how I release stress/anxiety/anger... and I feel awesome during & after! If I lost that outlet where would those negative feelings manifest? Would I take it out on my partner & others? Would I refuse to do things with them that I used to? Would I want to hide because I felt shitty about myself?

And opposite - if I woman went from 250 to 150 - how was it accomplished? Diet & exercise? Maybe their partner liked their lazy lifestyle, doesn't want to be more active, doesn't want to eat healthy, doesn't want to do anything different than how they were... and now is angry that they aren't doing the usual sit on the couch & watch movies & order take out... they're resentful even though the other is bettering themselves healthwise. You can not tell me these things do not influence a relationship. I'm sorry, but it is almost never just about a # on the scale. So I debate how they are "exactly the same person".

Jambalaya I think physical beauty does matter in love and sex, although each person's definition of physical beauty may differ. Isn't physical beauty one of the main points of attraction, not the only but a part of most (not all) relationships?

If I gained 80-100 pounds would my partner find me less physically attractive? Probably and I can understand and accept that. It wouldn't be a judgment upon me. That could happen for various reasons, health, trauma, lifestyle choices. Would he still love me and support me if I wanted to make changes? Yes. But gaining 100 pounds would change me emotionally and mentally as much as physically. I would be sad, depressed, angry, sedentary, bitter and would probably take these feelings out on my loved ones. I know this about myself. So that would be even harder for my partner to deal with. I would eat unhealthy foods and cause those around me to partake as well. I can see it happening. So I think it is a lot more than just a number in the scale, like @Kbell said.

 

[cmd2014]

I think part of the problem is you are ONLY focusing on the weight factor. In my opinion, with significant weight change (gain or loss) comes significant lifestyle change.

Not necessarily. There are certain medical conditions and medications that alter metabolism such that the person can be doing exactly the same things in terms of diet, exercise, and lifestyle, and still either gain or lose significant amounts of weight. These are much more common than most people are aware. I'm not saying these were at play in Jambalaya's friend's lives, but I do think that we need to be careful not to generalize that all weight changes/issues are due to lifestyle factors, and that not everyone who gains (or loses) weight turns into some angry, depressed, lazy, bitter, non-confident person (or conversely some newly active, confident, happy, and outgoing person upon losing weight). These are harmful and stigmatizing myths that are hurtful to people who are living with certain conditions that cause these metabolic changes as well as to people who are genetically predisposed to being overweight. http://obesitynetwork.ca/understanding-obesity and http://obesitynetwork.ca/weight-bias

I also don't think that anyone can truly know how they might react to something unless they have personally experienced it. My experience with clients who have struggled with some of these disorders is that they come to realize that their self worth and self-esteem doesn't have to be tied to their physical appearance and that this is not what the people who love them value in them anyway. So, no, the majority do not become sad, angry, depressed, lazy, or bitter people (regardless of whether they have gained or lost a significant amount of weight). They might feel that way temporarily, but that tends to pass. I also haven't seen a lot of my clients getting divorced over it. That said, perhaps there is some buffering effect when changes in weight are due to a diagnosed medical condition rather than just being a "lazy fat ass" so to speak.

But I agree, focusing only on the weight issue ignores the fact that relationships are complex and always evolving/changing, and that there was likely a lot more going on than just the weight in terms of why these relationships ended.

 

[Kbell]

Not necessarily. There are certain medical conditions and medications that alter metabolism such that the person can be doing exactly the same things in terms of diet, exercise, and lifestyle, and still either gain or lose significant amounts of weight. These are much more common than most people are aware. I'm not saying these were at play in Jambalaya's friend's lives, but I do think that we need to be careful not to generalize that all weight changes/issues are due to lifestyle factors, and that not everyone who gains (or loses) weight turns into some angry, depressed, lazy, bitter, non-confident person (or conversely some newly active, confident, happy, and outgoing person upon losing weight). These are harmful and stigmatizing myths that are hurtful to people who are living with certain conditions that cause these metabolic changes as well as to people who are genetically predisposed to being overweight. http://obesitynetwork.ca/understanding-obesity and http://obesitynetwork.ca/weight-bias

I also don't think that anyone can truly know how they might react to something unless they have personally experienced it. My experience with clients who have struggled with some of these disorders is that they come to realize that their self worth and self-esteem doesn't have to be tied to their physical appearance and that this is not what the people who love them value in them anyway. So, no, the majority do not become sad, angry, depressed, lazy, or bitter people (regardless of whether they have gained or lost a significant amount of weight). They might feel that way temporarily, but that tends to pass. I also haven't seen a lot of my clients getting divorced over it. That said, perhaps there is some buffering effect when changes in weight are due to a diagnosed medical condition rather than just being a "lazy fat ass" so to speak.

But I agree, focusing only on the weight issue ignores the fact that relationships are complex and always evolving/changing, and that there was likely a lot more going on than just the weight in terms of why these relationships ended.

Absolutely I agree there are medical and other issues that could cause weight gain or loss... and some VERY active people can be overweight for numerous reasons. I was just trying to point out that usually weight change alone in either direction is not the direct cause for divorce.

I gained a little bit after undergoing breast surgery, chemo & radiation because I could not run & be active like I enjoy... and I was constantly exhausted. It was frustrating. I have since lost almost all I gained but that gain absolutely affected me. I was not angry or bitter because I knew why I had gained. I could explain it and put my finger on exactly what happened - but I wasn't happy about it. I was touchy at times too because I had temporarily lost my outlet... though I think under the circumstances I was very upbeat/positive and didn't have the energy most days anyway. My fiancé knew everything that was going on with me & was an absolute rock. Now that it's behind me I am back to myself finally. I feel for those who have more permanent medical issues arise and don't have a supportive spouse.

One of my best friends is very overweight & always has been. She is one of the most on the go people I know. I'm not sure what keeps her weight so high, I've never asked because I love her to pcs the way she is. She's been my gym partner, always up for a walk, always running around with her kids & is a positive force. Lazy is not a word I would ever associate with her - she is far from it! I didn't mean to generalize, but I do believe 100 pound difference in either direction is going to affect a person more than just seeing a different # on the scale.

 

[Calliecake]

Kbell, It sounds as if you went thru a really hard time. I'm glad to hear you are back to feeling better and have a loving and supportive fiancé.

 

[Kbell]

Kbell, It sounds as if you went thru a really hard time. I'm glad to hear you are back to feeling better and have a loving and supportive fiancé.

Thank you so much! I consider myself very very lucky in more ways than one.

 

[Jambalaya]

I guess people are different in how they react to weight gain. Perhaps some do react negatively, while others don't mind so much. For me, I'm sure it hasn't affected how I feel inside, but I am concerned about future health problems (so I'm trying to address my weight) and I wish I could wear better clothes. But i don't feel that it's had a bad affect on my mood or energy levels. I'm very clear in my mind that character and personality are more important so it hasn't induced any negative thoughts about myself. I do appreciate that I'd probably get more second glances if I were slimmer.

Kbell, I'm glad your health is good now. That must have been a hard experience for you. Hugs xxx

LLJsmom, thank so much fro your input. What you say might be accurate for my friends; I'm not sure. They seemed OK with the weight, but of course I'm not there behind closed doors so I don't really know. Thank you also for your suggestions upthread and the article that you linked to - it was an interesting read.

I'm very appreciative of everyone's comments and insights.

 

[chemgirl]

Honestly i think people are attracted to what they are attracted to and you can't really dictate that. If there is a drastic change in appearance it might matter to some, particularly if sexuality is high on their list of priorities.

I understand that looks fade and hopefully a relationship is built on more than sex. It's something deeper and that's amazing.

I think I just get defensive whenever someone starts talking about what people should be attracted to. It's so individual. Obesity wouldn't be an automatic reason for me to end my marriage, but I know I'm not attracted to people who fall into that category. Nobody can dictate how my body would respond.

 

[AGBF]

It's 3:00 AM and I was having trouble sleeping, so I decided to catch up on some threads. I read that kenny had posted photos of men here and I couldn't resist looking. My friends have always asked me if I liked "the fat one" when I said I found a certain character attractive in a movie or television show. Only one of the men pictured by kenny looks like the type who might catch my eye if he were in a movie (the fellow in the upper left corner). I usually notice someone who looks as if he just got out of the forest with an axe after felling some trees. The beard is good, too. The guy I have been most attracted to was/is 6' 6" and 220 to 250 pounds.

AGBF

 

[smitcompton]

Hi,

I admit I only read some posts, but I got quite excited to be able to tell something I have wanted to write about, but didn't want to fight with people who always find something to criticize.

I watched a series on TV that was called something like "The First Lady Detective Agency". It takes place in Africa and the characters are black. The main character is a rather heavy set woman who never lacks attention from some men. Her character is a delight, and while I found the attentions of these men to feel unusual to me, as the series progressed this became less of an issue for me.

Finally, in one episode it became quite clear to me. I thought she was beautiful. I understood the men. I realized it was cultural. Those men found her very attractive and in the end so did I. I really felt I learned something. She became beautiful to me, really truly. Its something we learn.

Annette