Weight

[Jambalaya]

OK, here goes: Calliecake, thank you for that explanation.

I've lost my long post now, due to computer patch!

Long story short: I have three friends whose husbands have LEFT THEM over their weight. None are morbidly obese; all are under 200 pounds - mostly, well under. Two are in the five feet three/five feet four range, and one is five six. Weights are about 160 and 180, but the latter was about 160 for most of her marriage, and the third one, the tallest, I'm not sure as I haven't seen her since she had her kids - she lives across the country.

I have another friend who had real issues with this in the past. Her husband was mean to her about her weight for eight months before deciding he wanted to be with her as she was, after all. She's five five and weighed about 170 at her heaviest.

I have another two friends who are slim but whose husbands watch their weight like a hawk. One of them can't have a second slice of pizza without getting a comment.

Two of the friends who have been left have two children each. Their worlds are all shattered.

I have no idea how to comfort my friends. Internet research is useless on this topic- full of trolls.

Do people really divorce for a weight gain of 40-60 lbs over quite a few years of marriage? People talk about it on the internet and who say that yes, it is ground for divorce, seem to hurriedly justify themselves by saying "Oh, if someone is 300-400 lbs" etc. The friends I know who have marriage problems because of weight are not as heavy as that.

Just because someone gets chubby, they're the same person, you know? But a frighteningly high number of people seem to think the weight is a reason to divorce, even if the person is not morbidly obese. It's sad, and I don't know how to comfort my friends.

I also have another friend who is five feet and weighs almost 170, and her husband is kind to her about it and would never leave her, although he HAS asked her to lose weight.

My poor friends. They're such wonderful women, too. I feel they are being undervalued by their husbands, but it seems a lot of people think weight gain IS grounds for divorce.

 

[monarch64]

When I was engaged to my first husband, I remember having dinner with my parents and my father said "don't let yourself go like some women do." (My mother was very thin when they met, and even after her first child. She gained weight after they moved from Fort Lauderdale to Indiana because she started driving everywhere instead of walking. My father never left her, but he wasn't faithful, either.) My first husband during arguments would bring up my weight. Sometimes not even during arguments. I have never been overweight or obese. And in fact, have been treated for an eating disorder when I was much younger.

I know one person who left their wife due in part to her weight gain. It was one reason among many and it wasn't the sole reason. I have to wonder if there aren't a lot of other factors leading up to the demise of a marriage, the least of which might be weight gain. I've also known women who have left their husbands because of weight gain. I worked with a lady in Kentucky once who was model-gorgeous and once confided in me she coudln't even get her legs around her husband in bed.

Right or wrong, looks are important to people for a lot of reasons. One major reason is biology. Both sexes look for partners who seem fertile and healthy. Attraction has a lot to do with that. When that goes, some stick it out, and some don't.

What I think is grounds for divorce differs from a lot of people, I know. I've been married twice now, left both of them. I wasn't happy; they didn't want to bother working on things. If I'm not worth the trouble then why would I want to be with someone who thinks that way? I certainly wasn't about to live a life of quiet desperation. I'd rather have just friends or be single than live in fear or without romance and true love. I settled twice. Never again. Maybe that's what others are thinking as far as the physical. I really think the physical issue is a symptom of other issues in a marriage, fwiw.

 

[kenny]

At 6'3" I wish my hubby still weighed a solid and husky 250 lbs, like he did when we met 15 years ago.
He's now a gaunt 170 (mostly from his bulimia), and no longer physically attractive to me.
Now to me he feels like a skeleton with skin.

We are attracted to whatever we are attracted to, same gender, other gender, tall, short, dark, light, extrovert, introvert etc. etc. etc.

I wouldn't dump him for that though ... and I do NOT feel that makes me in any way morally superior to someone who would.
If another person dumps her/his partner because (s)he finds them no longer physically attractive, or in any other way unattractive for WHATEVER reason, that's 100% their business, and their right.
Values, morals, relationship-criteria is very very personal ... and people vary.

You only get to have dominion over YOUR relationships.
There is no such thing as okay and not-okay reasons to end a relationship.
Besides, if it's not your relationship it's nanyabeezwax.

Relationships are optional.
Anyone can end any relationship for any reason whatsoever.
Besides, if someone breaks up for [what you consider to be] a shitty reason they become [in your value system] a shitty person so ... Good Riddance!
BTW, people often never reveal the REAL reason they want out.
The presentation problem should be taken with a grain of salt.

What's the latest? Don't half of relationships end in divorce now?
So much for marriage vows.

 

[lyra]

I think those women are better off without their spouses if such superficial things matter that much and wedding vows mean so little. In sickness and in health, but only at a specified weight for the spouse? I wouldn't want to be with someone like that because I am not like that. YMMV. People vary. No, it's not my business.

 

[Jambalaya]

Further info: The three husbands said it was only about weight, although in reality one was also upset that she put the kids first all the time.

This topic intrigues me, that people end their marriage over a weight issue. I had no idea that it happens, and then suddenly - boom! Seems to be everywhere. I've been with overweight guys - in fact, my ex gained a lot of weight at one point - and although he looked better slim, it was only a minor niggle for me and I didn't mention it. He lost it on his own. So sad that a man can walk out on his wife and kids for this.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I didn't say this in my response to your original thread but you had asked how can you be supportive of your friends going through this.

It occurred to me that maybe at least some who have put on weight are depressed. Even if they aren't probably the best way to offer support is to check in and if they are willing, go out and have some fun. Girl time. Then if they are down in the dumps that little bit will help them out of the rut. Even just a phone call is great. I know if my husband was harping or left me for my weight I would be feeling low and unmotivated.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think ending a marriage over some weight gain is horrible! Your poor friends. I am probably too tolerant in relationships but I wonder if there were other things going on. If these men were willing to throw their marriage away because the woman gained 20 pounds (or whatever the number) she is better off without him!

I think supporting them is being there for them. I know in my experience I appreciated the friends that focused on ME instead of bashing him.

 

[kenny]

Most people like partners of the so-called 'ideal' weight.
I like em heavier.

If I was shopping ... lucky me.
Most out there are what I prefer.

Must suck to want what is becoming increasingly rare.

 

[kenny]

... although he looked better slim

Here, let me FTFY [fix that for you] ... "He looked better slim TO YOU!"

Why does nearly everyone not take responsibility for their perspective as being nothing more universal than TTTTHHHEEEIIIRRR perspective?

 

[Calliecake]

Years ago one of my guy friends made nasty comments about his wife quite often because she had gained 20 pounds. She was a wonderful person. He went on about it in front of me and another friend of ours. He said he didn't like her appearance and wasn't attracted to her because of it. He kept saying she should have stayed the weight she was when they married. Our friend looked at him and said well when you married you had a full head of hair. You are now almost completely bald. Has it occurred to you that maybe she liked your appearance better when you had a full head of hair? His wife left him about 6 months later.

You friends are probably better off without these men. I would be terribly hurt if my husband was always making comments about my weight in a negative way. Everyone knows when they don't look their best. Having a spouse who is constantly pointing that out would make you feel much worse.

 

[Matata]

You friends are probably better off without these men.

 

[cmd2014]

I think it probably depends on why people got together in the first place. If it's purely on physical attraction, then I guess the loss of it (as shallow as that might seem) would be reason to leave. For those who have a more intellectual/emotional connection, this would seem like a bizarre reason to end a relationship.

What I would say though is that we never really see what happens behind closed doors in other people's relationships. Maybe that is the real reason, maybe it's what was said to your friends to blame them for other issues (infidelity, mid life crisis, unhappiness about something else), maybe it's what they heard but wasn't really said, or maybe it's just what they are comfortable disclosing to you as "the" reason (among other issues that might have been going on). The reason doesn't matter, support is: "I'm sorry you're hurting, I'm here for you." Or: "I'm here to listen if you need to talk, cheer you on if you need encouragement, tell you that you're loved if you're feeling rejected and abandoned, offer any practical support I can, and willing to do girls nights out if you need a distraction."

 

[Jambalaya]

Yes, Kenny, better to me. Correct. It's difficult to endlessly qualify yourself when you write.

Calliecake - one of the husbands IS bald! He told my friend the weight is within her control but his baldness isn't. Not judging - just reporting the facts.

It's easy to say "better off without them" but these are long relationships and their lives are completely entangled, kids, a whole life together, etc - and they love their husbands.

Stephanie - excellent advice about the girl time. We're a bit spread out, though, so it's mostly been support by phone.

Tacori - the weight gain for all of us friends since young is quite a lot more than 20 pounds but even saying this begs the question, how much weight is "unacceptable"? 20 is OK but not 25? The whole thing seems silly...but I feel bad having just written that, because it's these men's feelings that they are not as attracted to their wives heavier as opposed to thinner, and no one likes having their feelings dismissed.

I'm just stunned at how common this seems to be. On the one hand, it seems really shallow, but on the other hand, should we expect our partners to be as attracted to us if we look very different from when we met? (I'm saying "different" bc in googling all this I also came across a couple of cases where someone was heavy when married and the partner was less attracted to them after they lost a lot of weight.)

One friend said to her husband, well, what if I had a disease or get old or have a disfiguring car accident, etc etc, and he said that was completely different because those were things outside her control. Logical on the one hand; smacks of judgement on the other. I love the way that some people think weight is so easy to control. If it were that simple, no one would be overweight!

The whole thing is a headscratcher. I gather from reading a few threads on this elsewhere that some people feel since you're only "allowed" to have sex with your life partner, you should remain attractive to them. But you make a commitment to your partner because of who they are, all the wonderful things that make them them.

 

[Jambalaya]

Thanks, cmd. Yes, that's pretty much what I say. It's an interesting issue, though, and I just thought I'd plumb the depths of experience here. I thought others might have been through it. As for other issues, I don't know. One husband absolutely insists it's only about her weight. But he left, and her abundant good qualities don't seem to matter.

I wonder if anyone has lost the weight and then magically, suddenly, had a great marriage again. Haven't found any such stories. I'd think it would be hard to forget about the criticism and judgement.

 

[Jambalaya]

Monarch, thanks for you long and thoughtful reply. xxxx

 

[Tacori E-ring]

Tacori - the weight gain for all of us friends since young is quite a lot more than 20 pounds but even saying this begs the question, how much weight is "unacceptable"? 20 is OK but not 25? The whole thing seems silly...but I feel bad having just written that, because it's these men's feelings that they are not as attracted to their wives heavier as opposed to thinner, and no one likes having their feelings dismissed.

I don't know what is consider "acceptable." I would hope my husband was attracted to me for MANY reasons, not just my physical appearance. I would hope a spouse would encourage a healthier lifestyle rather than leaving me because I gained weight (especially after having children). I would hope my marriage was stronger than the number on the scale. So while it may seem like the men's feelings are being dismissed, how are your friends feeling? I have dealt with quite a lot in my relationships but weight gain, for me, was not a deal breaker. My ex's weight fluctuated probably 50 pounds in both directions. That is just not the kind of person I am.

 

[Jambalaya]

I just meant I felt it was dismissive of me right here to call the husbands' feelings "silly."

I agree re. fluctuations not being a deal-breaker. It's not the kind of person I am, either.

not to be genderist, but it appears to me that you hear more about men leaving for this issue than women, unless men who've been rejected for their weight are less likely to talk/write about it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think what they did was more cruel than silly. But that's just me! I wonder if women are less likely to ADMIT to leaving their spouse for shallow reasons. Who knows. Don't they say men love with their eyes and women love with their ears?

 

[Jambalaya]

Oh, definitely, I think it's cruel! I mean it was silly for me to dismiss their feelings, since people's feelings are their feelings. But what they have done to their partners is really cruel, in my view.

Not sure about the eyes and ears thing! But I'm sure some women can be just as shallow as some men. There's a stereotype that women want their man to have money, but I once knew a man who sure did like the ladies who had money!

 

[PintoBean]

I think that sometimes someone just wants out of a relationship and maybe they can't understand what it is that makes them Unhappy in that relationship so they criticize their partner as a means of pushing themselves or their partner to end the relationship.

 

[kenny]

Yes, Kenny, better to me. Correct. It's difficult to endlessly qualify yourself when you write.

Point taken.

 

[kenny]

I think that sometimes someone just wants out of a relationship and maybe they can't understand what it is that makes them Unhappy in that relationship so they criticize their partner as a means of pushing themselves or their partner to end the relationship.

I think this is very common.

When relationships end you find out who you really married.

 

[Jambalaya]

Above, to PintoBean and Kenny...Yeah, I know. It would be kind of an interesting experiment if the wives "fixed" their weight (they don't need fixing, hence the quotes) and to then see what kind of marriage they would have. Except, the "experiment" wouldn't work because I'm sure their treatment of their wives has created a ton more problems.

 

[Calliecake]

My guess is there is a whole lot more going on in these marriages besides someone gaining weight. As someone posted above no one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

 

[canuk-gal]

My guess is there is a whole lot more going on in these marriages besides someone gaining weight. As someone posted above no one really knows what goes on in someone else's marriage.

Bingo. Marriage is contract. Stuff happens and people check out. Claim infidelity, cruelty, irreconcilable differences......etc etc. that covers a lot.

 

[jordyonbass]

I honestly don't understand this at all, both Mrs Jordy and I have had weight fluctuations over the last 10 years and I know it hasn't changed my physical attraction to her at all. To be honest I don't notice the changes because I am with her every day, so she is still the same beautiful woman that I met 10 years ago! The only time we ever speak about her weight is when she brings it up and I always encourage what she wants to do with her body.

As others have mentioned there has to be more to it than just the weight thing.

 

[kenny]

Yeah, it's possible that if these woman lost the weight their hubbies want, the men would just come up with some other 'reason' (actually another excuse, since they're too chicken to tell the truth) to divorce.

Again I say, good riddance to these men.

 

[Calliecake]

Yeah, it's possible that if these woman lost the weight their hubbies want, the men would just come up with some other 'reason' (actually another excuse, since they're too chicken to tell the truth) to divorce.

Again I say, good riddance to these men.

Yeah Kenny, My guess is these men checked out of the marriage quite a while ago and are using the weight as an excuse to leave.

Jamabayla, Can you share approximately how old these men are? I'm just being curious.

 

[MollyMalone]

I realize this is an teensy sample, Jambalaya, but what struck me is that it's the husband who's terminating the 3 marriages. For 70+ years, studies have found that it's the wives in heterosexual marriages who are the initiator in the majority of divorces (66-70%, although you'll sometimes read that the percentage is even higher); IIRC that roughly 2:1 ratio holds true, no matter the ages of the spouses or the length of the marriage.

P.S. I'd love to Like cmd's post (#12) more than once.

 

[kenny]

They probably just want a different new DNA unit to use to pass on their DNA ... IOW out with the old and in with a new sex partner.

How many men are going to admit THAT to their wife? ... or even be honest with themselves that this is what they want?

These days many people aren't very fond of taking responsibility for their actions.