Was expecting a thank-you out of line?

[december-fire]

It's interesting to see all the different takes on this situation.

I don't know most of the backstory, but based on what you wrote, it sounds like your friend is stressed-out, overwhelmed and unhappy. I don't know the reasons why or whether this is new or long-term or because of having small kids or moving away or problems with her husband or money concerns or stress at work or any number of other things. But from what she texted, she feels like she isn't doing anything right and that can be common with mothers who are trying to juggle so many things and feel like they're doing a terrible job on all of them. Telling her you were mad because she didn't thank you just made her feel guilty about one more thing she wasn't doing well. I'm not surprised she got angry. Everybody's human.

If you care about this person and want to remain her friend, you should tell her you know she's going through a lot and you didn't intend to make her feel bad. YOU should apologize for adding to her stress. If this doesn't sound like the right thing to do because of whatever has happened in the past or what you want from this friendship, take this opportunity to let her go. Only you have enough information to know which is the best thing to do.

This is what I was trying to express.

I got the impression, perhaps wrongly, that things changed a couple of years ago.

I felt sorry for her hearing her response that she can't make anyone happy.
She sounds stressed, overwhelmed and could use some compassion and understanding, rather than a 'friend' wanting an apology for a lack of a Thank You.

You said you asked what's going on, but she might not want (or be ready) to discuss the reason for her stress if its her marriage, children, whatever.

If she seemed different in the past and this might be stress, I'd be apologizing to her for upsetting her.

As rainwood said, only you have enough information to know what's best.

And texting can lead to misunderstandings due to lack of vocal or facial expressions.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

It's interesting to see all the different takes on this situation.

I don't know most of the backstory, but based on what you wrote, it sounds like your friend is stressed-out, overwhelmed and unhappy. I don't know the reasons why or whether this is new or long-term or because of having small kids or moving away or problems with her husband or money concerns or stress at work or any number of other things. But from what she texted, she feels like she isn't doing anything right and that can be common with mothers who are trying to juggle so many things and feel like they're doing a terrible job on all of them. Telling her you were mad because she didn't thank you just made her feel guilty about one more thing she wasn't doing well. I'm not surprised she got angry. Everybody's human.

If you care about this person and want to remain her friend, you should tell her you know she's going through a lot and you didn't intend to make her feel bad. YOU should apologize for adding to her stress. If this doesn't sound like the right thing to do because of whatever has happened in the past or what you want from this friendship, take this opportunity to let her go. Only you have enough information to know which is the best thing to do.

This is what I was trying to express.

I got the impression, perhaps wrongly, that things changed a couple of years ago.

I felt sorry for her hearing her response that she can't make anyone happy.
She sounds stressed, overwhelmed and could use some compassion and understanding, rather than a 'friend' wanting an apology for a lack of a Thank You.

You said you asked what's going on, but she might not want (or be ready) to discuss the reason for her stress if its her marriage, children, whatever.

If she seemed different in the past and this might be stress, I'd be apologizing to her for upsetting her.

As rainwood said, only you have enough information to know what's best.

And texting can lead to misunderstandings due to lack of vocal or facial expressions.

I agree about the texting but she would never call me on the phone so this was literally the only way to communicate with her.
She has serious financial problems, I get calls constantly from title loan companies (because she uses me as a reference) trying to get a hold of her. I think part of the problem is that our family lives on one income and in one of the most expensive states with the same family dynamic and more pets and we get by. She is miserable in her marriage and told me that she wants to stay with her husband and have an affair with her boss. The kids are always sick and fight constantly. She hates her job. I have really tried to help her with whatever I could. I believe she is severely depressed and I have tried to help but there is only so much I can do.

I don't think an apology will change anything. I've come to accept what everyone has suggested and am moving on without her.

 

[december-fire]

Wow!

So she is stressed.

And, she's thinking of adding to the problems by staying with her husband and having an affair with her boss!

Yes, that will help.

This isn't about a Thank You or lack thereof.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Wow!

So she is stressed.

And, she's thinking of adding to the problems by staying with her husband and having an affair with her boss!

Yes, that will help.

This isn't about a Thank You or lack thereof.

Yes, she is in a bad place and honestly I hope that at some point things get better for her, I really wish her all the best. Perhaps in trying to help her it made her feel worse because I don't currently have any of those problems, that could be. I don't know and that is maybe the real issue, I have no idea how to be a friend to her and my efforts are doing the opposite. So I'm unintentionally making her more upset and I'm feeling awful because she blows up at me when I try to help.

 

[december-fire]

Some people are open to listening and considering another person's perspective or suggestions.

But not everyone.

If your friend isn't open to suggestions to try to improve her marriage and situation, then there is nothing you can do.

I would have asked her about marriage counselling, working with her husband to provide a calm, loving environment for the children, and discussed financial challenges and how to address them.

I would also have asked her about the wisdom of having an affair with her boss, and the possibility of job loss should (when) the affair ends.

You may have already tried this approach in the past.

If she doesn't want to hear it, and wants to hide from reality in an affair, there is nothing you can do for her.

I'm sorry your friend is going through a difficult time, but it seems she wants to make the situation even worse.

If someone's values are quite different from mine, I find it hard to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them.

Based on all the additional information you provided, I do think it may be best to step back from this person.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be hard to see someone's life play out this way.

 

[ame]

She clearly has a lot going on, and whatever she's confided in you, she doesn't want to discuss it further. If she's given you no option besides just texting, that still tells me she's ready to move on from your friendship. Stress, horrible situation, whatever. You've given her every opportunity to confide, to get help, to whatever, and she's chosen to push you away farther. You can only do so much, and when every signal she is sending says "get lost", that's when it's time for you to cut your losses, let her make her own mistakes, and move on. If she decides to get over herself, wise up and rethink her terrible decisions, she can come back and open up and get some assistance in pulling herself up by her bootstraps. But til then, you have to move on and live your own life without her in it.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I didn't read all the replies so I apologize if I am repeating.

While I think it is always nice to receive a thank you, it does not sound like she is able to meet those needs. Hurt people, hurt people. When people are going through a rough time, they have tunnel vision. It was so thoughtful for you to send them GC but maybe she just cannot reach out right now. Without knowing details I think we need to believe people when they tell us who they are. Sometimes people grow apart and people we choose to be friends with in HS, we would not choose as adults. What exactly are you getting out of this friendship? Maybe it is time to let go.

 

[Jambalaya]

You could always send her one last text saying you appreciate that she might not want to hear from you right now but the door is open should she ever want to talk. Then let go. You could try the time-tested technique of putting all your feelings into a letter, and then burn it.

Whatever the reasons, it is always hard to lose a treasured friend. I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's difficult, but as time goes on you will begin to feel better. New friends and opportunities will come into your life. It's funny how when one door closes, another one opens.

 

[asscherisme]

I am going to let her go, you know obviously I did not catch on and ended up overstaying my friendship with her. I appreciate all the responses.

I had a best friend from Jr. High and High school and we hung on for years and years past where it was good for either one of us. We were maids of honor in each others weddings and hung onto the friendship for the safe of longevity even though I suspect both of us didn't know how to let it go. When we turned 40, we went on a trip together to celebrate (we are just a month apart) and we did our best to have a good time, but I could not wait for the trip to be over to go home to my kids. I had a terrible time and realized that it was just over. I think it was mutual. We hung on for another year or two then just faded apart. That was 4 or 5 years ago and yes, sometimes I get a little sad that we didn't stay lifelong friends, it was also a big relief. I didn't realize how TOXIC she was to me until about 3 years ago when my daughter started high school and she would share things with me about her friends/ social group, other girls etc. Thats when it hit me. And I felt relief the friendship was done.

Letting go of a friendship from childhood, especially one thats been going on for decades is HARD but sometimes they need to end.

Big hugs to you. I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[swingirl]

I agree about the texting but she would never call me on the phone so this was literally the only way to communicate with her.
She has serious financial problems, I get calls constantly from title loan companies (because she uses me as a reference) trying to get a hold of her. I think part of the problem is that our family lives on one income and in one of the most expensive states with the same family dynamic and more pets and we get by. She is miserable in her marriage and told me that she wants to stay with her husband and have an affair with her boss. The kids are always sick and fight constantly. She hates her job. I have really tried to help her with whatever I could. I believe she is severely depressed and I have tried to help but there is only so much I can do.

I don't think an apology will change anything. I've come to accept what everyone has suggested and am moving on without her.

It sounds like the relationship between you two has been suffering for a while so I wonder why did you send her children gift cards? Christmas is very stressful for some people, especially those who are already unhappy. I can see the stress of receiving gifts and being expected to show gratitude could be too much to expect of a person suffering from depression. And expecting her to apologize for her behavior is asking a lot. She is obviously not able to reciprocate your friendship and probably needs some time to herself.

If you need a thank you for every gift you give, then it would be best not to give gifts to people who you are on the "outs" with. Like others have said, it's time to give up on this one and find friends who appreciate you.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

I agree about the texting but she would never call me on the phone so this was literally the only way to communicate with her.
She has serious financial problems, I get calls constantly from title loan companies (because she uses me as a reference) trying to get a hold of her. I think part of the problem is that our family lives on one income and in one of the most expensive states with the same family dynamic and more pets and we get by. She is miserable in her marriage and told me that she wants to stay with her husband and have an affair with her boss. The kids are always sick and fight constantly. She hates her job. I have really tried to help her with whatever I could. I believe she is severely depressed and I have tried to help but there is only so much I can do.

I don't think an apology will change anything. I've come to accept what everyone has suggested and am moving on without her.

It sounds like the relationship between you two has been suffering for a while so I wonder why did you send her children gift cards? Christmas is very stressful for some people, especially those who are already unhappy. I can see the stress of receiving gifts and being expected to show gratitude could be too much to expect of a person suffering from depression. And expecting her to apologize for her behavior is asking a lot. She is obviously not able to reciprocate your friendship and probably needs some time to herself.

If you need a thank you for every gift you give, then it would be best not to give gifts to people who you are on the "outs" with. Like others have said, it's time to give up on this one and find friends who appreciate you.

Maybe the whole thank you thing was really less about the actual words and more about the thought and effort of saying it. I can see now that it was asking too much. We exchange gifts for the kids every year by mail so that's why I sent her kids the gift cards. She had told me that she got my kids gifts but I never got them.

I told my husband last night that as much as I thought I was sad about losing her as a friend, she really hasn't been playing that role for a while so then it's really the idea of not having a best friend that I'm sad about.

 

[missy]

StephanieLynn, I have not read everyone's replies and just read your explanations. I am sorry that your friendship is ending and that is always painful no matter the reason. When you have a long term relationship with a friend and have shared many happy occasions together (school years, dating, graduation, marriage, birth of your children etc) it is always difficult ending that relationship even if the reasons are good reasons. We are always changing, growing and at different times in our lives we have different needs that sometimes necessitate moving on even if it is not our first choice to do so.

You tried being there for her but for whatever reason she didn't accept your generosity and let you be the friend you wanted to be to her. And not really knowing how she feels and what she is dealing with no one can or should judge her. It just is. You did your best and now the friendship has sadly run its course. To be picked up at a later date? Who knows. But right now this is the way it is and allow yourself to mourn the loss of your friendship because you will miss her and the good times and experiences you shared with her.

I think many of us here have been through a similar experience. I know I still think about a friend with whom I cut ties in 1998. We were very close friends and did everything together. However circumstances became intolerable for me due to her crazy possessive and jealous behavior that started manifesting itself more and more to the extreme and I had no choice. Do I still miss her? Sometimes but the bad outweighed the good at the point I ended the relationship and we were different people at that time. Now she is married and I hope much happier (it was loneliness that caused her jealousy over all of my other friends and boyfriends) and I suspect she is much less possessive than she had been when we were close. Do I want to give it another try? No. I value the peace too much and it is not worth it to me.

The reason I go into this long winded explanation is just to say that even good friendships end and if circumstances change again and you two want to start again if you are willing it does not necessarily mean it is the end. So one day at a time and I am sorry you and your friend are going through this and I hope she finds calm and peace and happiness and perhaps she will find her way back to you if that is what you want at some later date.

To answer your original question about the thank you since she is going through some major life stress I can see why she didn't behave in the way you expected and wanted her to so she gets a pass on that. We all have life "stuff" stress we deal with at various times and we may not behave the way we would usually behave during the high stress times. I loathe texting for real conversations. IMO the best way for communication (not just short texts saying where you will be at what time for example but for real communication) is either in person (best way) or via phone (second best way). Texting can be so passive aggressive and also you can lose much of the meaning and not really get to the heart of the matter. I understand that wasn't your choice but hers but just adding my thoughts regarding texting for major communication issues.