Wanting but Waiting...

[megumic]

I've realized we have threads for those TTC, preggers, newborns, toddlers, etc. but nothing for those of us who are wanting, but waiting for whatever reason. I'm sure I'm not the only one desperate for a LO, but need to wait...look forward to sharing and commiserating with others. Mustering the patience is not easy.

 

[megumic]

I'll start.

DH and I have been together for more than 6 years. We have been living together for two years and recently got married on 10.10.10. I am currently a law student and have secured a one-year clerkship with a judge after I graduate.

While ideally I'd like to start TTC now, we are going to wait. Since my clerkship is just for one year, I'd hate to miss any part of that opportunity/experience to learn and establish myself. Thus, our goal date for TTC is this time next year -- that way I'd give birth after my clerkship ends.

I find myself being super impatient about all of this and secretly wishing we'd have an oopsie. But I also know how important my career is to me and I don't want to compromise that. It seems impossible to be able to do it all

 

[Lauren8211]

I'm right there with you!

DH and I got married in October 2009, and within about three months, the baby drive really kicked into high gear. I just turned 28... so while I realize I'm not running out of time, I'm certainly starting to feel that way!

I think we'll be trying late next year or early 2012. I know thats the responsible thing to do, but it's really getting hard for me to wait.

 

[sctsbride09]

Add me to the group ladies. I never thought I would want a child, but after DH and I got married 2 years ago, baby fever kicked in. I gave it some time, and have been doing A LOT of soul searching, and I realize I want to be a mother. Badly. But we still have a year or 2 to go. The waiting is hard, but it will be worth it. Thanks for starting this thread, Megumic. Its nice to see others in the same boat.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

What a great idea for a thread--I feel like DH and I were in "waiting to TTC" mode since we got married a few years ago. We knew we wanted to try somewhat soon, but had a lot of things we wanted to do first. We got our second newf and wanted for him to turn 2 before even thinking of TTC, we wanted to buy a house, we wanted to take at least 4 international trips and several other domestic trips as part of our pre-baby travelling. Finally, this year, we started getting more serious about it and I went off of BC to make sure everything was happening as it should! I was planning to find another job, but after going on several interviews, realized that it was better to stay, so now I think we're pretty much ready.

What I find odd is that we've planned this and are ready, yet I've REALLY enjoyed all of this time with DH, particularly all of the travelling we've done. I've never been one of those women who couldn't wait to be a mom, so I would also be pretty content if we held off a little longer and kept doing everything we're doing now!

 

[charbie]

What a great thread for the 'tweeners!

It has been so hard for me to wait until we were finally in a good position to have kids. We both have been pretty lucky in the job department, had a house, the stars felt like they had officially aligned...and we uprooted and screwed it all up. I had the "ooopsie" back in March and that kicked thhings into full gear for me....fo sho. So the waiting game really sucked and it is so hard to do the responsible thing. And then, evem when you do start trying....there is no guarantee of when you will end up knocked up!

I think I've learned if you do wait for the perfect time, there never really will be one. So if you realize that you could swing it if it were to happen, and you want it to happen, sometimes that's all you need. Things still aren't perfect here, we are putting one house up for rent, trying to buy another, DH is changing jobs, again. But I feellike now im putting off other things in trying to get pregnant, and I feel like if I don't have kids now, I wont be able to mentally move on to the next things I want to do in life.

Anyways...hopefully this post just can strike a chord with someone so they know they aren't alone.

Eta: im quite aware im FINALLY in the ttc crazy camp. But I was in the wanting but waiting camp for far longer than I wanted to be

 

[Pandora II]

One bit of advice - if you are in the wanting but waiting camp then STAY AWAY from the TTC & Preggo threads!

I was planning on waiting till November 2008 to start TTC, well I started reading the TTC thread in the May and that was that, DH and I got busy at the end of July! Mind you, I am someone with zero capability of delayed gratification...

 

[stephbolt]

This is definitely me! DH and I got married in April, and both of us have a bit of the baby fever. We are waiting until at least this summer to try though. Some days I think that sounds like unbearably far away, and some days I think it's too soon! We just bought a new house so I've been throwing my energy into getting that fixed up and getting our finances in order.

 

[Dreamer_D]

One bit of advice - if you are in the wanting but waiting camp then STAY AWAY from the TTC & Preggo threads!

I was planning on waiting till November 2008 to start TTC, well I started reading the TTC thread in the May and that was that, DH and I got busy at the end of July! Mind you, I am someone with zero capability of delayed gratification...

I have noticed you lurking a lot on those threads again

 

[Octavia]

I'll start.

DH and I have been together for more than 6 years. We have been living together for two years and recently got married on 10.10.10. I am currently a law student and have secured a one-year clerkship with a judge after I graduate.

While ideally I'd like to start TTC now, we are going to wait. Since my clerkship is just for one year, I'd hate to miss any part of that opportunity/experience to learn and establish myself. Thus, our goal date for TTC is this time next year -- that way I'd give birth after my clerkship ends.

I find myself being super impatient about all of this and secretly wishing we'd have an oopsie. But I also know how important my career is to me and I don't want to compromise that. It seems impossible to be able to do it all

I'm sort of in this camp, although I've recently come out of lurkdom in TTC as a pre-TTC-er. I completely get where you're at, megumic -- I got married during 3L year and am in a 2-year clerkship now. The good part about mine is the judges I work for only expect us to stay a minimum of one year, and if we get an offer somewhere else during the second year, we can just up and go, no hard feelings. So I'd kind of feel okay about taking mat leave during the second year, too. Planning is just hard because you also want to be employed somewhere when the clerkship comes to an end, and then be there for a year before going out (for FMLA purposes)...or at least not go out right away. But I've kind of decided that eh, there's never really going to be a good time to do it, so whatevs. I'll deal with it when it happens! Hopefully I'll be able to stay in gov't work and roll over my years of service, sick leave, etc. That would be so ideal.

So, as of today, I'm officially off HBC! So excited, it's been years and years since I let my body do its own thing and I'm interested to see what happens. We're still going to be preventing for awhile, but I also wouldn't mind an oopsie. I waited until this month so that I will be at my job for at least a year in case that happens, so I feel like I've done my part and I don't really mind whatever happens now.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

ME TOO!

I am sooooooo ready. But my husband is overseas, and even when we do see each other for a few months in the spring, he doesn't want to start trying because he doesn't want to miss the pregnancy while being deployed. I am secretly terrified that I will have a problem conceiving (never been diagnosed with any problems, so I am being irrational probably), and when my husband told me last night over skype that he doesn't want to try in the spring like I thought we would, I broke down in tears. I'm sure the next year will be wonderful with lots of fun trips and finishing my masters and living overseas and snowboarding and drinking champagne... but I am scared that the longer we wait, the more trouble we could have conceiving and I really want children.

 

[yssie]

Great thread idea megumic!

ME TOO!

I am sooooooo ready. But my husband is overseas, and even when we do see each other for a few months in the spring, he doesn't want to start trying because he doesn't want to miss the pregnancy while being deployed. I am secretly terrified that I will have a problem conceiving (never been diagnosed with any problems, so I am being irrational probably), and when my husband told me last night over skype that he doesn't want to try in the spring like I thought we would, I broke down in tears. I'm sure the next year will be wonderful with lots of fun trips and finishing my masters and living overseas and snowboarding and drinking champagne... but I am scared that the longer we wait, the more trouble we could have conceiving and I really want children.

::HUGS:: GP, I have the same fears


We had an uh-oh moment last month, I missed my period for some reason, and the range of feelings that brought on..

First, fear - DH needs to finish his PhD before we can think about having kids, my chosen career is - well, frankly entirely unsympathetic to pregnancy and child-raising - and I knew that going in and made that choice, knowing things would stabilise after a few years... we're just not in a position to have kids, and we both know it. But, like charbie said - is there ever a perfect time?

If I'm honest though, neither of us actually feels having kids would enrich our lives at this point - we're really enjoying our time together alone, and we're happy enough to wait another couple of years to start trying. I'd always said that if I was pregnant at the wrong time the choice to terminate would be an easy one, but when faced with the actual possibility of having to make that decision, well, things just never are so simple! I was so resentful at idea of having to either raise a child we didn't plan for or having to live with the guilt of an abortion, despite having done 'everything right' in taking my pills on time..but at the same time, it was also this *huge* relief - my mum had a hard time keeping me and wasn't able to have more children, and I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to conceive (like you, never been diagnosed with any problems, no other health issues, so it's not like there's a basis for it!). It turned out to be nothing, and I was - thankful, and yet really disappointed. I'm 24, and I know it's illogical, but there is definitely a clock in my head going tick tock passing-your-prime...

I also have this absolute certainty that I'm going to be a terrible parent. Just like every parent does at some point, but I guess I'm narcissistic enough to wonder if - well, if I've got a point. DH loves them and is fantastic with them, but I see things very much in black and white, and I don't particularly *like* kids and never have, so I have no idea where the part of me that really wants my own even came from! I'm not a patient person, I have zero tolerance for my cousins' and cousins' kids' misbehaviour, and I know I'd go stir crazy dealing with a creature so needy, yet unable to make intelligent conversation - or intelligent anything, really. If I was in a position where I would be working to pay for daycare and nothing more - I would work and put the kid in daycare, because my career is important to me. I can't imagine ever feeling - or wanting to feel - that my bond with my child is more important or more significant than my relationship with DH. If one of our kids deliberately seriously harmed one of our cats I honestly don't see myself ever forgiving - I strongly suspect my capacity for unconditional love is pretty limited.

And yet I feel warm and fuzzy thinking about preparing for a baby, having a baby, caring for a baby, and I've already picked the nursery furniture.


eek. Sorry for the novel, didn't really stay on topic but it felt good to write all that out

 

[Pandora II]

Great thread idea megumic!

ME TOO!

I am sooooooo ready. But my husband is overseas, and even when we do see each other for a few months in the spring, he doesn't want to start trying because he doesn't want to miss the pregnancy while being deployed. I am secretly terrified that I will have a problem conceiving (never been diagnosed with any problems, so I am being irrational probably), and when my husband told me last night over skype that he doesn't want to try in the spring like I thought we would, I broke down in tears. I'm sure the next year will be wonderful with lots of fun trips and finishing my masters and living overseas and snowboarding and drinking champagne... but I am scared that the longer we wait, the more trouble we could have conceiving and I really want children.

::HUGS:: GP, I have the same fears


We had an uh-oh moment last month, I missed my period for some reason, and the range of feelings that brought on..

First, fear - DH needs to finish his PhD before we can think about having kids, my chosen career is - well, frankly entirely unsympathetic to pregnancy and child-raising - and I knew that going in and made that choice, knowing things would stabilise after a few years... we're just not in a position to have kids, and we both know it. But, like charbie said - is there ever a perfect time?

If I'm honest though, neither of us actually feels having kids would enrich our lives at this point - we're really enjoying our time together alone, and we're happy enough to wait another couple of years to start trying. I'd always said that if I was pregnant at the wrong time the choice to terminate would be an easy one, but when faced with the actual possibility of having to make that decision, well, things just never are so simple! I was so resentful at idea of having to either raise a child we didn't plan for or having to live with the guilt of an abortion, despite having done 'everything right' in taking my pills on time..but at the same time, it was also this *huge* relief - my mum had a hard time keeping me and wasn't able to have more children, and I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to conceive (like you, never been diagnosed with any problems, no other health issues, so it's not like there's a basis for it!). It turned out to be nothing, and I was - thankful, and yet really disappointed. I'm 24, and I know it's illogical, but there is definitely a clock in my head going tick tock passing-your-prime...

I also have this absolute certainty that I'm going to be a terrible parent. Just like every parent does at some point, but I guess I'm narcissistic enough to wonder if - well, if I've got a point. DH loves them and is fantastic with them, but I see things very much in black and white, and I don't particularly *like* kids and never have, so I have no idea where the part of me that really wants my own even came from! I'm not a patient person, I have zero tolerance for my cousins' and cousins' kids' misbehaviour, and I know I'd go stir crazy dealing with a creature so needy, yet unable to make intelligent conversation - or intelligent anything, really. If I was in a position where I would be working to pay for daycare and nothing more - I would work and put the kid in daycare, because my career is important to me. I can't imagine ever feeling - or wanting to feel - that my bond with my child is more important or more significant than my relationship with DH. If one of our kids deliberately seriously harmed one of our cats I honestly don't see myself ever forgiving - I strongly suspect my capacity for unconditional love is pretty limited.

And yet I feel warm and fuzzy thinking about preparing for a baby, having a baby, caring for a baby, and I've already picked the nursery furniture.


eek. Sorry for the novel, didn't really stay on topic but it felt good to write all that out

Trust me, when it's YOUR baby it's very different. I could have written the bolded part before I had Daisy. I don't feel my bond with her is more important with DH - I chose him, she was given to us... we are stronger as a 3 than we were as a 2! I'm extremely black and white, loathe misbehaviour in children and thought any child I had would be way better off with a nanny because I would be a terrible mother and would want my career above everything. Also thought I'd find the first years so boring. I've been a SAHM for 19 months now and while I feel it would be great to go back to work and I'm starting to look for something part-time I also love being at home with her and the small achievements your child makes each day are really fascinating -to you if not necessarily to others. You'll probably hear a gazillion people say this kind of thing, but I honestly felt exactly like you.

Dreamer - LOL! I can assure you that one Daisy is quite enough for me - and since we are 3 in a bed there is ZERO chance of even an ooops. I am not feeling at all broody for now, I just have a kid old enough to play with toys long enough for me to be on PS for more than 30 seconds now!

 

[Sabine]

Ohhh, I might be joining you, but I may not be able to wait!

We have one son, and we're ready to start ttc #2. However, dh is in the Navy and we just got new orders. We're moving in early Feb., and dh will *probably* deploy next winter. But we won't know info on the deployment until it's much closer, and those details are always subject to change anyway.

Ideally, we'd get pregnant a month or so before he deployed, he'd miss the pregnancy and be home for the birth. But we're both ready now. And since there's always the unpredictables of not getting pregnant right away or the deployment details changing, we may just say the heck with it and start trying now. Dh said he wants to just stop avoiding, but I'm a bit of a control freak and if we aren't going to use bc, knowing me we'll be actively trying without dh even knowing it!

So yeah. We should wait, at least a few more months. But I don't know if we will.

 

[yssie]

Trust me, when it's YOUR baby it's very different. I could have written the bolded part before I had Daisy. I don't feel my bond with her is more important with DH - I chose him, she was given to us... we are stronger as a 3 than we were as a 2! I'm extremely black and white, loathe misbehaviour in children and thought any child I had would be way better off with a nanny because I would be a terrible mother and would want my career above everything. Also thought I'd find the first years so boring. I've been a SAHM for 19 months now and while I feel it would be great to go back to work and I'm starting to look for something part-time I also love being at home with her and the small achievements your child makes each day are really fascinating -to you if not necessarily to others. You'll probably hear a gazillion people say this kind of thing, but I honestly felt exactly like you.

You know, I've never actually voiced any of that out loud, though I've heard it before It just defies belief! Of course.

 

[DivaDiamond007]

I also have this absolute certainty that I'm going to be a terrible parent. Just like every parent does at some point, but I guess I'm narcissistic enough to wonder if - well, if I've got a point. DH loves them and is fantastic with them, but I see things very much in black and white, and I don't particularly *like* kids and never have, so I have no idea where the part of me that really wants my own even came from! I'm not a patient person, I have zero tolerance for my cousins' and cousins' kids' misbehaviour, and I know I'd go stir crazy dealing with a creature so needy, yet unable to make intelligent conversation - or intelligent anything, really. If I was in a position where I would be working to pay for daycare and nothing more - I would work and put the kid in daycare, because my career is important to me. I can't imagine ever feeling - or wanting to feel - that my bond with my child is more important or more significant than my relationship with DH. If one of our kids deliberately seriously harmed one of our cats I honestly don't see myself ever forgiving - I strongly suspect my capacity for unconditional love is pretty limited. [/quote]




I totally agree with Pandora and her comments on this. When it's YOUR child, it's much different. I was squarely in the "hell no" camp for a long time before I got hit with baby fever and so much of it had to do with me thinking I'd be a horrible parent. Then, it hit hard and all at once. I had my son and I him so much. More than anything in the world. Like you, I don't really even like kids, and honestly I still don't really like other peoples' kids too much, but having my own has changed the way I think and the way I see things. Being a parent is hard work and it never ends but you just do it. I'm currently pregnant with our second (and last) and we are so excited to be adding another to our family.

Also, as far as your cats are concerned, you might be surprised how quickly they become "second class citizens" in your home once you have a baby. Pets are not kids even if you consider your pets as members of the family, as so many of us PS'ers do. That's not to say that the animals will suddenly become neglected or forgotten, just that they will be a rung lower on the ladder. If one of our kids deliberately harmed our dog, the child would probably get into trouble depending on what happened, but at the end of the day a dog is a dog and it's up to you as the parent to teach your children how to behave with your pets.

 

[Mara]

Someone said above if you keep waiting for the perfect situation it may never come. I agree--but you can get big show stoppers out of the way and get as close as possible still knowing that it will never be perfect.

Yssie, I agree with the other ladies that when it's your kid it's different (in many ways). I never thought I surely wanted to be a parent. In fact when I used to imagine my perfect future/life it might have included a husband, but not a child. Even after we got married, we spent years together not really knowing about kids and being ok with that. But I always thought that if we did have a child, we would make great parents, somehow feeling like we had what it took (whatever that is, hard to articulate). I didn't particularly like children or babies, I was never that person who rushed to go see the baby when someone brought it into work.

We thoroughly enjoyed our time together before our son came along--and for all of you, I am sure it is VERY hard to wait. At the risk of sounding cliche, try to enjoy the time you have with your DH, doing your own thing and living your OWN life, because after the little bundle does come along... your lives will be so different. AND even if you know that rationally, somehow the reality of it is still surprising.

ETA... . Just because I became a Mom doesn't mean I automatically now love all kids. I might be a little more tolerant but I still have a hard time relating to kids that are older than my son. However, I do totally adore babies now. So squishy.

 

[paris29]

Add me. I got pregnant (unplanned) a little over a year and half ago but ended up having a miscarriage. I always knew I wanted to be a mom but ever since then the baby fever really kicked in. My fiance and I plan to ttc in a year and half. My fiance will be done with his BA and ill be starting my third year of my doctorate program. I would love to start trying to conceive now but with school, postponing our wedding (due too many conflicts in schedule, housing situation, etc), and a few other things I know I'll have to wait. It's so difficult to wait though especially after everything that has gone on, I'm so worried there will be problems ttc in the future and it really scares.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Great thread, Megumic! This is sort of like LIW for those wanting to start a family... One's stay could last years, or it could last only a few weeks

I am excited beyond belief to start a family with DH, but every reasonable bone in my body is forcing me to wait. (and my IUD is helping that cause!) DH is on board with procreating, but we need to get our ducks in a row. I'm nearly finished with my teaching license and a few courses away from finishing my Masters, but DH is gainfully employed and has been our only source of income for a few years.

Even so, I should probably find a job ( ), pay off the remainder of my student loans, and enjoy married life sans-kids for more than one year!

DH & I had an "oops" when I was 22, before we were married, and did not continue with the pregnancy. It's crazy how much has changed since then, besides being legally united, and how much more prepared we are for a little one. If by some bizarre, highly-unlikely chance we had a surprise pregnancy, I would be overjoyed instead of petrified. The reality is that we would be fine financially and emotionally... but we will be even better prepared in a a few more years.

I know that I have all the time in the word. I'm in my mid-twenties and DH is in his later-twenties... but I also have this thought about wanting my parents to be involved in our childrens' lives. They were older when they had me, and as it would happen, my grandparents were "old" grandparents. Some I never had the chance to meet, and the others were only slightly involved in my life because of their age and fragility. My parents (and my in-laws) are wonderful, fun people who have SO much to offer our future kids, and I want them to be healthy enough to enjoy spending quality time with them. It may sound negative, but they honestly don't have many years of health and vibrancy left. Time has already started to take its toll and only seems to be speeding up

Long story short, our tentative plan is to TTC in the summer and fall of 2012 and have a little one (ideally) in the spring or summer of 2013. My goal is to get two full years in at my school district prior to giving birth. There are, however, so many *ifs* in this equation that it's silly to even try to plan. Oy!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Great thread idea megumic!

ME TOO!

I am sooooooo ready. But my husband is overseas, and even when we do see each other for a few months in the spring, he doesn't want to start trying because he doesn't want to miss the pregnancy while being deployed. I am secretly terrified that I will have a problem conceiving (never been diagnosed with any problems, so I am being irrational probably), and when my husband told me last night over skype that he doesn't want to try in the spring like I thought we would, I broke down in tears. I'm sure the next year will be wonderful with lots of fun trips and finishing my masters and living overseas and snowboarding and drinking champagne... but I am scared that the longer we wait, the more trouble we could have conceiving and I really want children.

::HUGS:: GP, I have the same fears


We had an uh-oh moment last month, I missed my period for some reason, and the range of feelings that brought on..

First, fear - DH needs to finish his PhD before we can think about having kids, my chosen career is - well, frankly entirely unsympathetic to pregnancy and child-raising - and I knew that going in and made that choice, knowing things would stabilise after a few years... we're just not in a position to have kids, and we both know it. But, like charbie said - is there ever a perfect time?

If I'm honest though, neither of us actually feels having kids would enrich our lives at this point - we're really enjoying our time together alone, and we're happy enough to wait another couple of years to start trying. I'd always said that if I was pregnant at the wrong time the choice to terminate would be an easy one, but when faced with the actual possibility of having to make that decision, well, things just never are so simple! I was so resentful at idea of having to either raise a child we didn't plan for or having to live with the guilt of an abortion, despite having done 'everything right' in taking my pills on time..but at the same time, it was also this *huge* relief - my mum had a hard time keeping me and wasn't able to have more children, and I am absolutely terrified that I won't be able to conceive (like you, never been diagnosed with any problems, no other health issues, so it's not like there's a basis for it!). It turned out to be nothing, and I was - thankful, and yet really disappointed. I'm 24, and I know it's illogical, but there is definitely a clock in my head going tick tock passing-your-prime...

I also have this absolute certainty that I'm going to be a terrible parent. Just like every parent does at some point, but I guess I'm narcissistic enough to wonder if - well, if I've got a point. DH loves them and is fantastic with them, but I see things very much in black and white, and I don't particularly *like* kids and never have, so I have no idea where the part of me that really wants my own even came from! I'm not a patient person, I have zero tolerance for my cousins' and cousins' kids' misbehaviour, and I know I'd go stir crazy dealing with a creature so needy, yet unable to make intelligent conversation - or intelligent anything, really. If I was in a position where I would be working to pay for daycare and nothing more - I would work and put the kid in daycare, because my career is important to me. I can't imagine ever feeling - or wanting to feel - that my bond with my child is more important or more significant than my relationship with DH. If one of our kids deliberately seriously harmed one of our cats I honestly don't see myself ever forgiving - I strongly suspect my capacity for unconditional love is pretty limited.

And yet I feel warm and fuzzy thinking about preparing for a baby, having a baby, caring for a baby, and I've already picked the nursery furniture.


eek. Sorry for the novel, didn't really stay on topic but it felt good to write all that out

FWIW: I read recently that a woman's fertility peaks at the age of 24. Not that that's ever a reason to TTC right.this.minute... And the difference between fertility in one's early 20s and late 20s is negligible, really But my point is it's not totally illogical to hear a ticking clock at 24... Or if it is, I'm being illogical right along with ya!

 

[LtlFirecracker]

I am glad this tread was started. I am in this camp. My original plan was to TTC right after I got married. But right now me and my husband are living in different cities. Without getting into specifics, at the best we will be in this situation for another 1 1/2 years and at the worse almost 3 more years. I am 31 and he is almost 40, and I really want to be done with having kids as close to 35 as possible.

So right now we are thinking of starting to TTC in June. If we do that, I may be doing "single parenthood" during the week for a year or so. He might be able to work from home 1-2 days a week and come down with me, we are not sure.

I am still not sure what is the best decision. Having a baby while we are living a part, or waiting and risking fertility problems.

 

[megumic]

I am glad this tread was started. I am in this camp. My original plan was to TTC right after I got married. But right now me and my husband are living in different cities. Without getting into specifics, at the best we will be in this situation for another 1 1/2 years and at the worse almost 3 more years. I am 31 and he is almost 40, and I really want to be done with having kids as close to 35 as possible.

So right now we are thinking of starting to TTC in June. If we do that, I may be doing "single parenthood" during the week for a year or so. He might be able to work from home 1-2 days a week and come down with me, we are not sure.

I am still not sure what is the best decision. Having a baby while we are living a part, or waiting and risking fertility problems.

Wow, with the utmost sympathy, you're truly in a tough spot! I hear you re not wanting to risk fertility problems. But at the same time, you're also in a tough spot with your living situations as it is. I think you need to weigh the risks vs the benefits of both scenarios. For me, I think the benefits of having a child now and parenting alone outweigh the risks of fertility problems. I also strongly feel that there truly is no "perfect" time to go ahead and have a baby -- which is why we are stopping the pill but taking care. If an oopsie happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then we'll up the ante when the right time rolls around.

One of my law professors gave me great advice. He said: "Everyone says to wait to have kids. I say have them early and often. That way you get to enjoy them longer." I think that is a great point.

 

[Haven]

Great thread! I sort of fit the bill, here.

Just recently I've started to want to have children, but I'm not yet a full convert. Whenever I get dreamy about babies, my vision is interrupted by doubts and fears.

Our cousins just had their first baby at ages 38 (mom) and 47. We went to see the baby the day after she was born, and it was LOOOOVE. I don't know if it's because I love our cousins so very much, so I naturally love their daughter, or if it's because I'm not 30 and the baby pangs are starting to arrive. That little baby just stole my heart the moment I saw her. I immediately went home and made her a little quilled design with her name in curly letters and framed it for her nursery.

DH is 40, and he's in exactly the same place I'm in right now: excited for the some day, sometimes dreamy about starting now, but ultimately not quite ready to take the plunge. I've never been a baby person, frankly I kind of think they all smell bad, even when freshly washed. But I DO want children, and I'm really looking forward to being the parent of grown children, and having them all come and crowd up our house with their kids during holidays. It's the in-between that I'm not completely sold on, yet.

This is a great thread, I'm excited to stick around and hear about everyone's experiences, especially when they decide to go for it and start trying.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Wow, with the utmost sympathy, you're truly in a tough spot! I hear you re not wanting to risk fertility problems. But at the same time, you're also in a tough spot with your living situations as it is. I think you need to weigh the risks vs the benefits of both scenarios. For me, I think the benefits of having a child now and parenting alone outweigh the risks of fertility problems. I also strongly feel that there truly is no "perfect" time to go ahead and have a baby -- which is why we are stopping the pill but taking care. If an oopsie happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then we'll up the ante when the right time rolls around.

One of my law professors gave me great advice. He said: "Everyone says to wait to have kids. I say have them early and often. That way you get to enjoy them longer." I think that is a great point.

Thanks. That is the direction I am leaning towards. I went off pill too, about 6 weeks ago. But we are still using protection. But if it happens, than it happens and we are ready. If it wasn't for the distance thing, I think we would be ready in every other way. We are planning a trip to Europe in May. That is the last big thing I want to do before having kids. We bumped into one of DH's co-workers with his wife in a toy store and as she was chasing after her toddlers she said "yes, go to Europe now, trust me!"

Your law professor has great advise, I lost my mother at 26 to breast cancer. There was a lot of stuff she wanted to see but never had the chance to.

 

[LtlFirecracker]

Someone said above if you keep waiting for the perfect situation it may never come. I agree--but you can get big show stoppers out of the way and get as close as possible still knowing that it will never be perfect.

Yssie, I agree with the other ladies that when it's your kid it's different (in many ways). I never thought I surely wanted to be a parent. In fact when I used to imagine my perfect future/life it might have included a husband, but not a child. Even after we got married, we spent years together not really knowing about kids and being ok with that. But I always thought that if we did have a child, we would make great parents, somehow feeling like we had what it took (whatever that is, hard to articulate). I didn't particularly like children or babies, I was never that person who rushed to go see the baby when someone brought it into work.

We thoroughly enjoyed our time together before our son came along--and for all of you, I am sure it is VERY hard to wait. At the risk of sounding cliche, try to enjoy the time you have with your DH, doing your own thing and living your OWN life, because after the little bundle does come along... your lives will be so different. AND even if you know that rationally, somehow the reality of it is still surprising.

ETA... . Just because I became a Mom doesn't mean I automatically now love all kids. I might be a little more tolerant but I still have a hard time relating to kids that are older than my son. However, I do totally adore babies now. So squishy.

I think this is very good advise. I don't have kids, but I have spent a lot of time with small children, and they truely change everything. I love spending time with small children, but they do require a lot of physical and emotional energy.

 

[Octavia]

One of my law professors gave me great advice. He said: "Everyone says to wait to have kids. I say have them early and often. That way you get to enjoy them longer." I think that is a great point.

Meg, I do like this quote but I wonder if he expanded at all on the career issues involved for a young female lawyer having babies. I think it's easy to say, but probably easier to do if you're a man. It must be somewhat easier for law profs, too, because most of them are smart and sought-after enough that they have some pull that the rest of us just don't. For many reasons, including the fact that starting a family is looming, I intend to either stay in gov't work if I can, or seek an alternate and more lifestyle-friendly career (just wish I could think of one...). But I'm interested to hear whether your prof was just being idealistic or if he had some solid things to say about this topic.

 

[megumic]

One of my law professors gave me great advice. He said: "Everyone says to wait to have kids. I say have them early and often. That way you get to enjoy them longer." I think that is a great point.

Meg, I do like this quote but I wonder if he expanded at all on the career issues involved for a young female lawyer having babies. I think it's easy to say, but probably easier to do if you're a man. It must be somewhat easier for law profs, too, because most of them are smart and sought-after enough that they have some pull that the rest of us just don't. For many reasons, including the fact that starting a family is looming, I intend to either stay in gov't work if I can, or seek an alternate and more lifestyle-friendly career (just wish I could think of one...). But I'm interested to hear whether your prof was just being idealistic or if he had some solid things to say about this topic.

I completely agree with you, except that I don't think your parenting/career concerns are limited to the legal field -- it happens across all career paths. Yes, being a young lawyer is very demanding and yes it is easier to do if you're a man. But I truly think a lot of it comes down to the balance in our own relationships. As DH is already established in his career and is doing well, I too am in a similar boat as you -- I plan to pursue a career in public interest. For me though, I refuse to let my professional career goals get in the way of my personal life. What DH and I have planned for our life and family together is far more important than anything else. Without my personal happiness, no career, degree, amount of money or anything will create it.

As for my professor, I think his main point is that he thinks it's stupid to wait to have kids. He was 24 when his son was born and he said he wouldn't change a thing b/c he now has three successful kids, with a slew of grandkids. He loves that he gets to enjoy his own children as grown-ups, as well as his grandchildren, while he is still fully functioning and capable -- not to mention, still working!

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

While nannying tonight I experienced a 5 year old's tantrum that made me second guess any desire to have children... but then she snuggled up so sweetly in footie PJs for story time a few minutes later and re-melted my heart!

I remember reading quite some time ago about a PSer (Italia, maybe? Forgive me if I'm wrong!) who had the idea to (or did?) set aside money each month for diapers, food, daycare, etc. before having children. The purpose was two-fold: First, it shed some light on how expensive children are and what one might do to a couple's budget. Second, it kick-started a savings account for a future child. I think I remembered the post because it was *such* a good idea and something I will keep in mind as we grow closer to wanting to TTC.

Is anyone planning financially for a child/children? I can't say we're planning specifically for a child (no college funds, day care budgets, etc), but we're slowly trying to increase our emergency fund, chip away at the rest of our college debt, etc, mostly with our future family in mind. ...I don't even want to think about how expensive college in the US will be some 22 years from now. Oy.

 

[megumic]

While nannying tonight I experienced a 5 year old's tantrum that made me second guess any desire to have children... but then she snuggled up so sweetly in footie PJs for story time a few minutes later and re-melted my heart!

I remember reading quite some time ago about a PSer (Italia, maybe? Forgive me if I'm wrong!) who had the idea to (or did?) set aside money each month for diapers, food, daycare, etc. before having children. The purpose was two-fold: First, it shed some light on how expensive children are and what one might do to a couple's budget. Second, it kick-started a savings account for a future child. I think I remembered the post because it was *such* a good idea and something I will keep in mind as we grow closer to wanting to TTC.

Is anyone planning financially for a child/children? I can't say we're planning specifically for a child (no college funds, day care budgets, etc), but we're slowly trying to increase our emergency fund, chip away at the rest of our college debt, etc, mostly with our future family in mind. ...I don't even want to think about how expensive college in the US will be some 22 years from now. Oy.

Pils, wow that's a great idea to prepare both mentally and financially for a bean -- setting aside money as if he or she were already here! Maybe will propose that to DH...

We did open a 529 educational savings account. Although we anticipate our children contributing to their own college funds, we also want to contribute what we can. Starting early, even if it's only $250, is still a start. I agree, the idea of how expensive an education may be at that time is quite scary.

What other ways to plan for a family besides financially? What are other things parents would suggest couples do to prepare???

 

[NewEnglandLady]

We started setting money aside to offset future costs--we are still unsure whether we should focus on paying off the house first or start a college fund first, but we did start setting money aside for a larger vehicle, which is a chunk of change (blah!).

In terms of preparing, when we got married we essentially made a list of the things we wanted to do before having a baby--the trips we wanted to take, the kind of house we wanted to buy (and where), the goals we wanted to achieve--financially and otherwise--and where we wanted to be in our careers. Then we set a timeline and started chipping away at them. I may even take our last trip on the list while pregnant, haha. I'm really glad that we made the list and worked to achieve the things on it because I've really, really enjoyed this time with my husband.