Update on the twin sister/MOH situation

[anchor31]

I wanted to bumped my old thread about this but couldn''t, so here we are.

Things have been pretty hectic and I''ve not had alone time with my sister for months, even during the Christmas break, so I haven''t had the chance to tell her about how her behaviour towards my wedding was hurtful. It has changed stightly (I wonder if my mother talked her her), but instead being downright nasty now she just shuts me out, which is still frustrating.

There was still some interesting development yesterday. She invited me and a couple of friends over for dinner, and we were talking about weird things about our names (one friends is Polish and the other has a Scottish name that sounds like "l''enfer", which means "hell" in French, so it was a pretty interesting conversation). I said that I always disliked having an hyphenized last name and I wish I could change it when I get married (FI has a simple, short and common last name), but can''t because of the Québec province laws.

My sister FLIPPED OUT. She was almost yelling at me, saying I couldn''t want to change my name, that I was being disloyal to my family, that I wasn''t FI''s possession, that I was her sister and couldn''t have a different last name, etc., etc. She was really upset and it was awful. Her two friends are American and we just looked at each other while she was ranting, not really understanding what she was so upset about... They even suggested that if I really wanted to change my name, maybe I could change it before getting married (which would unfortunately be a complicated and costly process), and my sister was just completely freaked out.

I had intended to talk to her after dinner, but I was so shocked about this that I didn''t. I pondered this on the one-hour bus ride home this morning, and I realized something. This isn''t about the wedding or her not being into "girly-bridy" stuff. It''s about my marriage, which is even worse. Her attitude about the wedding and the name-thing, it all boils down to one thing:

She''s afraid that she''s going to lose me.

Which is sad really... I''m not dying, I''m getting married. I''m not dropping out the face of the Earth and I won''t stop talking to her and the rest of the family... She''ll have to accept that I will be "cutting the cord" in a sense, and that my husband and future children will be my closest family from then on, but it doesn''t mean she won''t be my sister anymore, or that she won''t be important to me!

I''m not sure what to tell her. This makes me so sad...

She needs to let me go before this destroys our relationship... But I just don''t know what to do.

Help?

 

[Cehrabehra]

Date: 1/28/2007 11:58:09 AM
Author:anchor31
I wanted to bumped my old thread about this but couldn''t, so here we are.

Things have been pretty hectic and I''ve not had alone time with my sister for months, even during the Christmas break, so I haven''t had the chance to tell her about how her behaviour towards my wedding was hurtful. It has changed stightly (I wonder if my mother talked her her), but instead being downright nasty now she just shuts me out, which is still frustrating.

There was still some interesting development yesterday. She invited me and a couple of friends over for dinner, and we were talking about weird things about our names (one friends is Polish and the other has a Scottish name that sounds like ''l''enfer'', which means ''hell'' in French, so it was a pretty interesting conversation). I said that I always disliked having an hyphenized last name and I wish I could change it when I get married (FI has a simple, short and common last name), but can''t because of the Québec province laws.

My sister FLIPPED OUT. She was almost yelling at me, saying I couldn''t want to change my name, that I was being disloyal to my family, that I wasn''t FI''s possession, that I was her sister and couldn''t have a different last name, etc., etc. She was really upset and it was awful. Her two friends are American and we just looked at each other while she was ranting, not really understanding what she was so upset about... They even suggested that if I really wanted to change my name, maybe I could change it before getting married (which would unfortunately be a complicated and costly process), and my sister was just completely freaked out.

I had intended to talk to her after dinner, but I was so shocked about this that I didn''t. I pondered this on the one-hour bus ride home this morning, and I realized something. This isn''t about the wedding or her not being into ''girly-bridy'' stuff. It''s about my marriage, which is even worse. Her attitude about the wedding and the name-thing, it all boils down to one thing:

She''s afraid that she''s going to lose me.

Which is sad really... I''m not dying, I''m getting married. I''m not dropping out the face of the Earth and I won''t stop talking to her and the rest of the family... She''ll have to accept that I will be ''cutting the cord'' in a sense, and that my husband and future children will be my closest family from then on, but it doesn''t mean she won''t be my sister anymore, or that she won''t be important to me!

I''m not sure what to tell her. This makes me so sad...

She needs to let me go before this destroys our relationship... But I just don''t know what to do.

Help?

I''m so glad you had this realization!! She might not be able to articulate this or even admit it, but since you know, your compassion can help her through.... at some point it might be nice to ask her, "what''s really going on here" and then just listen - no matter how irrational - until she is able to get to the bottom of her own stuff.

 

[sumbride]

Oh boy... well, at least you understand it a bit more now. This is really about her, not you. You don''t want to change your name to get away from HER last name, you want to change it so you will have your husband''s name! When she gets married, she may realize that but it sounds like she''s not thinking about that stage of her life yet. When you get married, will you be moving far away? Can you reassure her that you''ll still see each other regularly? Any single men you can set her up with between now and then to distract her?

 

[Blenheim]

I''m sorry that you''re going through this, sweetie.

Have you heard of the book "The Conscious Bride"? There''s a chapter called "Cutting the Ties that Bind," which includes suggestions about talking about and acknowledging feelings of loss with those close to you, and helping everybody let go of old attachments and move on to new, different relationships. It might be a good read.

Link to one of the pages on the author''s website.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks you, Cehrabehra, it''s true that sometime just asking "what''s going on?" is the best way to get someone to talk about what''s bothering them.

sumbride - The only reason I would like to change my name is because we''ll be starting a family and I wish all of us would have the same name. My sister seems to think that taking your husband''s name is becoming his property or something... and that if I don''t also give my name to our kids, then it''s not fair, etc. I understand her egalitarian views, but I don''t agree with her that changing my name is disloyal or becoming my husband''s property. I''ve always disliked having an hyphenized name, so I don''t want to give our kids an hyphenized name too! Since because of the laws changing my name would be so complicated and costly, I have decided to use my husband''s name socially, while my maiden name will still be used for my legal papers, etc. I have an aunt who did this and it''s worked out just fine for everyone.

To answer your question, no, no moving is planned at the moment... But I''ll be out of college and looking for a job, not to mention that FI''s job may require him to work abroad (like right now), so we never know. She''s actually the one with the big globe-trotter plans! As for setting her up, I''m not sure she''d appreciate! She''s leaving for Europe for a year in 6 months and she told me she wants to go there with a clean slate.

 

[FacetFire]

I''m so sorry that you are having these troubles with her. I agree that you really need to have a heart-to-heart with her. Given that you know your sister better than we do, do you think you can get her to see that getting married doesn''t mean that you are leaving your family behind? Some people even view it as adding to the family...which is a much better way to look at it. I hope you''re able to get through to her!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for the book suggestion, Blenheim! I''ll look into it.

Thanks for the support, FacetFire! I''ll definitely have to talk to her... It just makes me so sad that she feels this way.

I really love your diamond, btw... I really like the chunky facets.

 

[robbie3982]

I''m sorry anchor

. I''m sure that eventually she''ll realize that she''s not losing you. I just hope it comes sooner rather than later.

 

[jas]

Nothing to add but the fact that I''m sorry...it''s tough when we are going through something wonderful and people close to us can''t quite join us in the first class compartment of the happy train.

Hugs to you.

 

[firebirdgold]

Perhaps reassuring her could work? It''s very clear that she''s freaked out about losing you. Why don''t you try giving her a big hug the next time you see her and telling her that you love her and that she''ll always be your big sister?

 

[anchor31]

Robbie, jas, Indie, thank you so much. Getting support means a lot and really makes me feel better. And you're right Indie, sometimes it just takes little gestures.

 

[akw94]

Anchor, so sorry you''re still going through this! Given that it seems that her fear is the biggest issue, it will probably subside once she sees that she''s not losing you. Unfortunately, this could occur after you''re married but it may just be that way. I agree that talking to her is a good idea and definitely doing the little things like Indie suggested would help. But I also think that b/c her fear isn''t rational, she probably won''t be able to just let go of it, even if you''re reassuring her, until *she* sees that there''s no reason to be afraid. Until after you''re married and you still talk and you still see each other, etc..
Maybe until then you can attempt to do something w/her once/month or on some sort of regular basis or include her when you go shopping for something wedding related. Hopefully this will wear off in time!
Sorry!!
As for the changing name thing, I agree w/you. It does seem easier to just change the name and not at all being disloyal to your family. I know a number of people who have done what you''re suggesting, just use the maiden name for legal/work related stuff and use the other socially. They don''t seem to have any problems w/that.
Good luck w/your sister!

 

[anchor31]

Thanks for your thoughts, dixie! Those are pretty good suggestions.

I''ve been talking with my mother and she thinks that my sister is not only afraid to lose me, but also afraid to lose her role in my life. She''s always been the confidant, the protector, and if someone takes over that role, then what''s her place in my life? The thing is, even though I''ll be married, it won''t mean that I won''t do what I''ve always done in the past and go to her when I need her, that I won''t want to share things with her... Doing this has been pretty hard lately because when I ask her opinion for situations in my relationship, or try to share things with her about my wedding and marriage, she shuts me out. She''s doing this to herself, and I really hope I can make her realize that before it makes too much damage.

 

[fatafelice]

Date: 1/29/2007 8:00:44 AM
Author: anchor31
Thanks for your thoughts, dixie! Those are pretty good suggestions.

I''ve been talking with my mother and she thinks that my sister is not only afraid to lose me, but also afraid to lose her role in my life. She''s always been the confidant, the protector, and if someone takes over that role, then what''s her place in my life? The thing is, even though I''ll be married, it won''t mean that I won''t do what I''ve always done in the past and go to her when I need her, that I won''t want to share things with her... Doing this has been pretty hard lately because when I ask her opinion for situations in my relationship, or try to share things with her about my wedding and marriage, she shuts me out. She''s doing this to herself, and I really hope I can make her realize that before it makes too much damage.

I''m glad that you finally realized where her reactions were coming from, but I hope that she will realize that no matter what, you will still be her sister. If you can sit down and talk to her, that would likely be best, but you could also write her a thoughtful letter that lets her know how important she is, and will be, to you, no matter your marital status! I hope that she wakes up sooner rather than later so that your relationship is still reparable! ((((Big Hugs!))))

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Anchor,

My mom has said the same things to me. I think because the woman doesn''t take the husbands name in Viet culture, so it sounded so crazy to her. But we don''t have the choice in Quebec. Well I have to say that although you sister IS AFRAID to lose you, I think she also has some pretty strong opinons! I don''t think there is anything wrong with strong opinons, but forcing them on you is a little extreme.

Hopefully she''ll calm down soon and start enjoying the whole process a little bit!

 

[VRBeauty]

I''d second Fatafelice''s suggestion ... consider writing her a nice letter about what it means to you that she is and always will be your sister.

 

[anchor31]

fatafelice - I''m usually better at putting my thoughts into writing than verbally, so this really is a great idea for me. We used to write each other letters when I was away at my first college, and she liked getting them.

ally - I didn''t know Viet women didn''t take their husband''s name! Interesting. And about my sister having strong opinions... well, that''s my sister for you. She''s a very "back and white" sort of person, and has a hard time understanding how some people can not believe/think as she does. It has created conflicts more than once, but it''s usually not that bad. I have to say I''m one of the people she usually takes the time to listen to when we have different opinions, but I guess this one was just too much for her!

Thanks for the support, MINIMS.

 

[akw94]

I think the letter is a great idea too. I think that if I could, I would do a lot of communicating in letter form but I try not to these days, only b/c for me it has been the easy way out. In this instance, it might be nice for her to have that letter, to be able to re-read when she''s feeling down or even know how important this issue is to you.
It is hard b/c on the one hand, when she''s being difficult, you don''t necessarily want to do wedding stuff w/her but on the other hand, the more you do, the more maybe she''ll adjust and realize she isn''t losing you or her role in your life. If you decide to write that letter, maybe you could follow it up w/lunch for you two to talk.

Good luck!