Issues with my MOH... Should I talk to her now, and how?

[anchor31]

My MOH is my sister. I love her to bits, but while she adores my FH, she''s having issues with her "little sister" getting married. We''re twins and we had sort of a big sister/little sister codependency relationship when we were children... But now that we''re adults, it''s starting to be a bit of a problem. She''s nowhere near ready for something as serious as getting married, so she''s having a hard time with the fact that I''m ready to get married "so young" (23).

When I asked her to be my MOH, I told her I wanted her to be it because she''s one of the most important people in my life, but I wasn''t sure if she''d be comfortable with the responsabilities, so I didn''t want her to feel pressured. She said yes and insisted it was important for her to do it because she knows how important this day is for me... But so far she''s only hurt my feelings.
I know my wedding is still a long way off and I do make a conscious effort to not talk about it unless it''s necessary (budget talks, etiquette/procedure questions and other small pre-planning stuff). Nevertheless, she told me she doesn''t want to hear about the wedding until next summer (I intend to take advantage of the summer holidays to do most of my planning), she tells everyone I always talk about it and she acts like she wants to shoot herself everytime it''s brought up. What, am I supposed to not answer when a friend/family member asks me about it while she''s there?

I do all I can to take her feelings into consideration and not be a bridezillas, but I''d appreciate if she''d make the same effort to not be a MOHzilla...

I don''t know what to do or say... I feel like I have to watch my every word around her. I''m not scared she''ll neglect her responsibilities, she has a great sense of pride when it comes to duties, but... I''m scared she''ll be doing them "just because I asked" and be in a foul mood during all the planning and worst, on the wedding day...

Do you think I should address this sooner than later, or wait until the actual planning begins? How should I talk to her?

Help please?

 

[poptart]

Hey,

I had a similar problem with my MOH, and it actually ended up ruining our friendship. I think her actions stemmed more out of jealousy than anything, and it sounds like your sister''s actions may be coming from a twinge of jealousy as well, even though she''s not ready to get married yet. I would suggest bringing it up with her and hashing it out sooner rather than later. My MOH and I did NOT do that and it ended very very badly. So get everything on the table now, because you don''t want her or you to blow up right before the wedding (or at the wedding! eep!). Just my .02!

*M*

 

[allycat0303]

Hey Anchor,

That''s tough. My sister will be getting married before me, probably in 2007, so it''s been hard on me, but I don''t pretend to shoot myself. Well I think that personally it might create a big *thing* if you ex-maid of honored her, so maybe just trying to keep wedding talks to a minimum is really the most peaceful solution. Is she presently in a relationship? Does she want to get married? All of these things might factor in.

I would discuss it with her gently. I''m a little confused if she tells other people behind your back that she wants to shoot herself? Then I think that needs to be addressed.

But I think often these situations are always a mixture of "I''m happy for you, but I''m sad for myself too" It''s hard to be totally happy when you are jealous, but I''m good at pretending. I think it would help if your sister was a little better at keeping any resentment to herself, I think that asking her to be totally, wholeheartedly thrilled for you might be too difficult for her, but at least keeping the *shoot myself everytime wedding talk starts* would be good. It''s a tough situation. You"ll probably go through ups and downs with this issue until the wedding actually happens.

 

[anchor31]

poptart - Thanks for sharing. That really scares me... I love my sister and I wouldn''t want to ruin our relationship with her because I''m getting married...

Thanks for your advice.

ally - I may not have been very clear in my post... She doesn''t *really* pretend to shoot herself, but she really looks and acts like she''d rather shoot herself then hear about my wedding... She doesn''t act behind my back either, but when someone brings in up she''ll say something like "yeah and she always talks about it" or "I''m about to overdose with that wedding stuff"... But I barely talk about it! I can''t help it if other people bring it up!! I must have brought it up myself about 3 times in her presence during the 4 months we''ve been engaged... I''d hardly call that "all the time".

I know she''s never had a serious romantic relationship and I know she''d really like to have one right now. She''s had a lot of boy drama within the last two years... Stupids jerks persuing her and then changing their minds once she shows interest... It happened 5 times since she started college, I don''t understand it. I know marriage and children are from from her mind right now. She''s a much more career-orientated person. I know all that. I do everything I can to be sympathetic and supportive to her, all I ask is that she tried to do the same.

What makes me the most angry is that when I asked her to be my MOH, I told her she could say no if she wasn''t comfortable with it. And truth to be told, I expected her to say no. But she insisted she wanted to do it. But why insist if you''re going to have a crappy attitude about it?

Sorry... It''s really starting to get to me. And with the Christmas holidays coming, it''s bound to come up a few times since I haven''t seen most of the family we visit since before the engagement... I hate this. There''s enough drama with my FILs, I wish I wouldn''t have issues with my sister as well.

 

[poptart]

Date: 11/23/2006 3:31:05 PM
Author: anchor31
poptart - Thanks for sharing. That really scares me... I love my sister and I wouldn''t want to ruin our relationship with her because I''m getting married...

Thanks for your advice.

ally - I may not have been very clear in my post... She doesn''t *really* pretend to shoot herself, but she really looks and acts like she''d rather shoot herself then hear about my wedding... She doesn''t act behind my back either, but when someone brings in up she''ll say something like ''yeah and she always talks about it'' or ''I''m about to overdose with that wedding stuff''... But I barely talk about it! I can''t help it if other people bring it up!! I must have brought it up myself about 3 times in her presence during the 4 months we''ve been engaged... I''d hardly call that ''all the time''.

I know she''s never had a serious romantic relationship and I know she''d really like to have one right now. She''s had a lot of boy drama within the last two years... Stupids jerks persuing her and then changing their minds once she shows interest... It happened 5 times since she started college, I don''t understand it. I know marriage and children are from from her mind right now. She''s a much more career-orientated person. I know all that. I do everything I can to be sympathetic and supportive to her, all I ask is that she tried to do the same.

What makes me the most angry is that when I asked her to be my MOH, I told her she could say no if she wasn''t comfortable with it. And truth to be told, I expected her to say no. But she insisted she wanted to do it. But why insist if you''re going to have a crappy attitude about it?

Sorry... It''s really starting to get to me. And with the Christmas holidays coming, it''s bound to come up a few times since I haven''t seen most of the family we visit since before the engagement... I hate this. There''s enough drama with my FILs, I wish I wouldn''t have issues with my sister as well.

I hope you can get it all worked out before the holidays. I agree with allycat about talking to her about it gently because obviously there are some raw nerves there. Even if she doesn''t want to get married right now, I''m sure that having men be interested in her and then changing their minds is hard on her psyche, and now her sister is off to get married. You''re twins, and I think sometimes twins have a notion that they are supposed to do things together (my DH is a twin), so when one goes off and is in a different "life place", the other one feels left behind and a little angry about it. She just has to get comfortable with the idea that the two are you are in different stages right now. I hope she comes around. When is your wedding again?

*M*

 

[Independent Gal]

Hi Anchor,

I wonder if your sister''s jealousy might be of your FI. If you guys are really close and if you were codependent as little girls, then maybe part of her anxiety is about losing YOU if your FI becomes officially the most important person in your life. If that''s part of it, then it might help to talk about things you''ll do together once you''re married, and maybe to reassure her that no one will ever be as important to you in the SPECIFIC sisterly way that she is. Or something.

That is sticky though. I mean, it''s so sad that you feel you CAN''T talk about your wedding. You shouldn''t be saying ''I don''t even talk about it all that much.'' You should be enjoying every second and talking about it to your heart''s content!

 

[robbie3982]

Awe, anchor, I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this. Definitely deal with it now. You should be able to talk to your MOH about anything and everything wedding related. Perhaps your sister doesn''t realize how much she''s hurting you.

 

[allycat0303]

Anchor,

Well I think that when someone isn''t thrilled about something, even 1 comment wedding related is an overdose you know? I don''t think there''s much to be done really. Maybe ex-MOH her if you feel like she is REALLY not into it. That happened at m ex''s sister''s wedding. The MOH had such a bad experience with marriage that she was like this big thunderstorm over the process, so finally his sister just told her to forget it. They stayed friends, the MOH didn''t even come to the wedding, and honestly it worked out fine. Because in the end it was less hurtful for them BOTH.

I think when someone asks you to do something, it''s hard to say no. especially in a situation like this, because essentially you are saying "I can''t be happy for you" that''s what happened with my sister. She asked, and I really didn''t want to come off being a b%$^* so I said yes, although it''s really, really hard. But I have learnt over the years to keep my mouth shut in all times, and give a big smile. I think maybe your sister (hopefully) will get used to the idea, or maybe if you feel that she really doesn''t want to be your MOH, the you can give her a graceful out. For example, is there a really, really good friend that is upset she isn''t the MOH? Maybe something like "Twin name here....so and so is really, really hurt that I didn''t pick her as my MOH, would you mind terribly if she was? I know you are really busy with school, etc., and I don''t want to impose all of this stuff on you."

I kind of get how your sister feels though, cause I"m in this. I know there''s NOTHING my sister can do/say that is going to make this experience enjoyable/bearable. Sometimes it just is. It probably has nothing to do with how much she loves you, she just can''t get pass her own feelings you know?

 

[anacgarcia]

I think ally is right.. she wouldn''t say no because she didn''t want to be mean, but maybe what she''s doing now is even meaner than having said no..

but anyways, why don''t you ask a close friend to help you with MOH''s duties without being the MOH..

In my case, my sister is my MOH, but she''s 16, so she isn''t really into wedding planning and my friends do like that stuff, even now that not one of them are engaged.. so the ones helping me are my mom and my friends.. and I don''t feel bad because my sister isn''t interested..

 

[anchor31]

poptart - I understand the "twin not being at the same place in life" issue. I had a hard time when she went off to college one term before me... But I wasn''t mean to her about it. Independent Gal may have a good point too, there may be a fear of losing me happening subconsciously, and obviously I''ll have to discuss those issues with her before long. My wedding is on Sept. 20th 2008, as I said, still a long way off. Which makes things even harder... I don''t think I can deal with FILs and MOH drama for another 22 months... Unfortunately, I can''t move up the wedding date either. Getting married during term would be insane and I can''t can''t married during the summer if I want my brother to be in attendance (he has Navy training during the summer). Not to mention that I need to be able to take the summer to plan that wedding... I can''t do it during the school year. Believe me, running off somewhere in Europe next summer and getting married just the two of us sounds very friendly right now. But that''d be jumping from the fire into the frying pan... I''d avoid the planning drama, but the family drama that would ensue... We''d never hear the end of it.

ally - I appreciate your insight, although I have to admit it makes me sad and a little angry that she can''t (or is not willing to?) put aside her personal issues so I don''t have to suffer because of them. Me getting married isn''t about her. I''m not sure how to say this... We''ve all got issues, but we don''t all go around making people miserable because of them... For example, I''m having a hard time in school since I started college and I used to have really high grades, but I don''t get nasty to my sister because she has an A- average in Engineering at McGill University! Sometimes I do feel crappy about it, but it wouldn''t be fair of me to get mean about it. I gave her an out when I asked her because I know my best friend (my bridesmaid, you met her when we got together at school) would be thrilled to be my MOH, so when I''ll talk to her again I''ll probably tell her the same thing again: It''s okay if you don''t want the job, just tell me about it.

anacgarcia - I already intended to split the duties between her and my best friend according to what I believe they''d be more comfortable with. I''d spare my sister the "girly stuff" - picking flowers, centerpieces, holding the bouquet and train, etc. - and give her more "serious" duties... Some coordinating, being the vendors'' reference, making sure things are going smoothly - in short, the "bossing around" stuff, which she usually likes and is good at. But I''ll have to see how the whole issue turns out at first... Thanks for the suggestions.

You know, I knew she wouldn''t be a "girly-girl" excited MOH, but at first I thought it would be a good thing, that she could keep me grounded when things got too much. She usually does... But this time she''s the one causing the drama!

 

[allycat0303]

Anchor,

Sister-sister relationships are complex. I would know because of my sister. I do agree that she shouldn''t be making negative hurtful comments, I''m assuming she doesn''t precieve them as negative or mean, just kind of her inner feelings are being revealed. I think you definitely need to talk to her, although I would approach it a "I know you are so busy with school, so is it too much for you?" Rather then a "if you''re not happy about my up-coming marriage" to give her a graceful out. I thought about this last night alot, and if my sister had put it that way, I would have declined my duties. I don''t think it''s necessary to force someone to own up to feelings of jealousy etc.

It''s honestly hard for either sister to see what the other one is. I see my sister as being this brilliant, totally lucky all the time, and prettier girl. I always feel that she has more. She has always felt that I''m the prettier, more competent at everything, have everything girl. Neither view is correct. Although I do feel that although we have had our differences, we''re able to keep the jealousy at a minimum by being as ultra respectful of each other as possible. For example, when she was in med school and I wasn''t she never talked about it to me, never asked my advice (which she always does) always studied away from the house. It would come up sometime at dinner, but she always kept it to a minimum. Did I still feel awful? Yes of course. But I remeber the night I was accepted, my sister cried buckets she was so happy (and I remember that she never cried for herself when she got in). But at the same time, I was also respectful of her choices,/happiness by doing the best I could not to be negative, upset to any friends/family because I know that would hurt her. Venting on PS though, I indulge liberally.

The point I am trying to make, is that I don''t think there is nothing you can do to make her feel better. So don''t be too hard on yourself, you can''t control what other people say, you can only do your best. It''s possible that your weddding for her, will just be an unhappy thing for her. Ideally she would be thrilled, and I''m inclined to think she would be if her romantic life was better, but unfortunately it''s not.

In any case, it does sound like a lot of issues so early on in the process of planning. I can only hope that as you get closer to the wedding, everyone around you will be more used to idea and it will get easier.

 

[anchor31]

I understand and agree with what you''re saying, except for one thing.

Date: 11/24/2006 11:55:38 AM
Author: allycat0303
The point I am trying to make, is that I don''t think there is nothing you can do to make her feel better. So don''t be too hard on yourself, you can''t control what other people say, you can only do your best. It''s possible that your weddding for her, will just be an unhappy thing for her. Ideally she would be thrilled, and I''m inclined to think she would be if her romantic life was better, but unfortunately it''s not.

Obviously (and unfortunately), it doesn''t seem to be... I understand she''s probably feeling weird that I''m ready to do this much sooner than she is, and I understand that she''s probably getting very frustrated with her bad luck in romance, but... Honestly, I think she''s being more than a little self indulgent by making my wedding an issue about her. She''s making herself just as miserable as she''s making me by seeing things the way she is, and it makes me really sad that she''d rather see my marriage as an unhappy thing.

I''ll probably see my sister next weekend, if I do I''ll talk to her then. J''s coming over this afternoon and I''ll see what he thinks I should do. There''s been so much drama already I really wish we could just elope ASAP... Which is sad, really.

 

[decodelighted]

Hey Anchor,
I''m so sorry you''re going through this! It weird to me that I related more to your sister in this scenario than you ... I suppose because I was the oldest daughter who had to watch two younger sisters get married LONG before I was even in a great relationship. So I *feel* her pain ... where, when I finally *was* the bride ... I didn''t even involve my sisters AT ALL ... chose my brother as my "Dude of Honor" & expected *nothing* of him but standing up there with me.

My overriding thought was "YIKES ... 22 months of engagment that *her twin sister* has to grit her teeth through!"

I agree with Ally -- sister relationships are complicated ... TWINS I can hardly imagine! I know it seems like a betrayal & bratty of her to not be able to rise to the level of maturity you want for a MOH ... I just can''t help but think: maybe she CAN''T.

She''s your twin ... you''d wish a lot from her ... but please try to be compassionate. It''s easier for you to be "the bigger person" right now - because you''re "on top of the world" ... kinda "winning" in this scenario.

Give her a way to save face but opt out. It''s a hard situation!

**HUGS**

 

[RoseAngel04]

I agree that you should talk with your sister about how you''re feeling and that some of the things she says hurts your feelings. Like Robbie said, you should be able to talk to your MOH anytime about anything wedding related.

I hope your situation gets better Anchor!

 

[akw94]

Anchor,
I''m sorry! You''ve had a lot to go through in such a short time of being engaged!!
First, I don''t have a sister and I''ve never been engaged so my advise is limited already. However, I think you should talk to her. I think you have a right to tell her, in the nicest possible way, your feelings. If she is hurting your feelings by the way she''s acting, I don''t think there''s anything wrong with saying that. If she didn''t want to be your MOH, she could''ve said so. Maybe she does feel an obligation of some sort, but it''s also her obligation to talk to you about how she feels. If the only way she is communicating to you is by making hurtful or rude comments and gestures, that''s not ok. But if you don''t say anything, she won''t know how you feel and it probably will continue. If you''re ok w/it continuing and are willing to accept it, then don''t say anything. If you feel it will continue to hurt you and diminish your experience, then I think you should say something.
I don''t think it''s too much to ask to expect your MOH to be happy for you and want to help or share in the planning. Granted, I don''t know the inns and outs of a twin sister relationship, but I don''t think you''re asking for too much.
Just my opinion.
I hope it all works out for you.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I got married at 21 and my 17 year old sister was my MOH. She had no responsibilities other than to participate in the ceremony. She was my MOH because she was the sister closest in age to me. I think it is right to have your twin as your MOH. I think talking to her is good, but I''d also tell her you want her to be your MOH because she is your sister and you love her, and that she doesn''t have to help with any of the preparations if she doesn''t want to. Like someone said, your mother and others can help you.

 

[anchor31]

Deco - I understand what you''re saying. I have to say though that I hardly feel like I''m "on the top of the world" right now. Yes, I have a wonderful relationship with a wonderful man and we''re getting married, but as I told Ally things are nowhere near going as well in school and the future in-laws are on particularly nasty streak these days. I do my best to be "the bigger person", but I need her to help me through this... We''ve always been there for each other before no matter what, and now I feel let down and a little lost.

RoseAngel, Dixie, diamondseeker - Thanks for your support.

 

[jas]

Oh anchor, I feel for you. It''s hard. I had a similar situation and now my MOH and I have an entirely different relationship -- to the point where I wish I had never asked her.

No amount of leaning or not leaning on her was correct. If I asked for her to join me in a task, I was "obsessing" and things were always "about me" (she always said this with a laugh, but ya know how you can get frostbite from some comments?) If I did things on my own, she''d get very angry that I wasn''t letting her do her "MOH jobs" (honestly she read a book that listed MOH responsibilities, and wanted to be appropriate to the letter of the book.)

It is honestly a difficult thing for people to not filter weddings through their own eyes, and the constant push-pull that I felt was "It''s your day! Focus on yourself" vs. "Don''t be selfish and consider everyone''s feelings." Which is life, I guess. But it got tough when I felt that MOH was being so inconsiderate of my feelings, that I had to pussyfoot around her and spent most of my engagement trying to soothe her nerves, I cried almost every night. Every day it was, "Are you sure you want me to be MOH?" totally apropos of what we''d been talking about. Literally. If I asked her for a paper clip at work she''d ask me. She kept telling me how "awful" and what "losers" my Inlaws were going to be, and that my FI was "lucky to have me" but not in a way that was nice and supportive, but in a condeming way.

I did not want to confront her b/c I work with her, and had I re-arranged things so she wasn''t MOH, she''d be devastated.

Then, as it turned out, after she was absolutely horrid during the prep time before the ceremony, she came up and said to me (5 minutes before the walk down the aisle) "Do you know why I''ve been so difficult? Because I was afraid my arms looked fat in this dress. Do they look fat? Can you help me tie my shawl differently so they look good. I guess it''s all about me, ha ha." Then she proceeded to mock the gift I had given all my Bridesmaids. "They''re so funny!" (Funny meaning "cheap")

I almost felt bad. Almost. Then she made her toast, which we told our BM and MOH was optional. She spoke about herself the entire time. Never mentioned DH. Barely mentioned me. Barely mentioned anything about the wedding.

I did try to talk with her, it upset her greatly. I asked if, based on things she''d said, shewas comfortable in this role, adn if not we could find a way for her to be in the bridal party and not feel overwhelmed. I swear she almost had a breakdown and turned it around into a question of friendship.

And when I discussed this with my FI and my mom, the phrase "be the bigger person" came up a lot. And they''re right. But I hated hearing it because I wanted to say, "Dammit, shouldn''t she be the bigger person SOMETIMES?"

ON THE OTHER HAND, I had originally asked my sister to be MOH. She did not want it at all, and felt bad about it. I worked with her to find ways she could participate that made her happy. She is bi-polar, so some days were better than others, but overall it worked out. It was incredibly difficult for her that her younger sister was getting married. There were times she made it incredibly difficult for the entire family, but ultimately, blood was thick and she was awesome during the wedding weekend!

I have no advice other than to try to say, "Ok, what do you want...maybe I''m reading things wrong, but you seem awfully uncomfortable in this role and the last thing I want to do is make this a miserable time for you. You know that I want you to be my MOH. I''d love for you to love to be in that role. You''re not going to hurt my feelings if it''s not a good fit for you. All I ask is that we work together to find ways for you to be a part of this day, because you are such an important part of my life."

Yuk, girl. So sorry.

 

[Julian]

I agree with all the other posters who say you should tell her how much you would love for her to be your MOH but want to make sure it's not too much for her to bear. There's already enough drama around weddings and the last thing you need is someone sucking up all your good energy & making you anxious. It doesn't do them any favors either, because it could end up ruining the relationship.

I learned that the hard way. Sometimes just smiling and letting them ruin your day doesn't do anyone any favors. You just have to be honest and communicate about your expectations. If the relationship is important enough, you have to be as honest as possible (but gently!). And if she does promise to change and then slips back into her usual role, both of you know that another solution is needed. Maybe talk to a close close friend and let her know as a back-up plan what's happening? Maybe she can be the one to support you and your sis can be the "figure head" MOH...only in title.

 

[anchor31]

jas - You mentionned having MOH drama, so I wondered if you''d respond. Thanks for sharing, it must have been pretty difficult... Your recommendation on how to speak to my sister is great, I will definitely use something very similar! Thanks!

Julian - My sister may end up only being the "figure head" MOH, as you say... We''ll see. My BM understands and is willing to help, so at least I won''t have any drama there.

In other news, I talked to J and he''s very supportive. He''s having a very hard time with his parents right now, so he knows how I feel. He''s a very involved groom, and he told me not to worry. He said we''d plan the whole thing together, so we''ll need minimal outside help. I''m so grateful to have him! It''s a huge relief for me. I''m still sad to not be able to share this special time with my sister though, like we always have.

 

[Julian]

Sounds like your wonderful hubby-to-be more than makes up for your sister''s apathy!

I love hearing stories like that... it''s just beautiful! Congrats on your upcoming wedding.

 

[anchor31]

Thanks. He is wonderful. He said: "There''s not much we can do right now, but once summer''s here, watch me fly." I love him so much...

 

[Mara]

anchor, i would talk to her about it. if she is your twin, you are undoubtedly very close right??

if that is the case, i would just pull her aside sometime soon, or schedule a dinner or something where you two can be alone and address the issues. i would be frank and just say hey you know what, it was really exciting for me to get engaged and i never considered anyone else besides you for my MOH but i feel lately like you aren't necessarily very happy for me and that you sometimes wish to be anywhere but here with me planning my wedding.

because FYI you cannot just not talk about the wedding when you are around her NOR should you have to. i have never been a 'keeping the peace' kind of person because what fun is it if you have to walk on eggshells around everyone in your life? address what needs to be discussed and do it in a friendly, open way and reiterate that you love her and want her to be a part of the whole thing, a huge part, because she's your twin. and you hope she's happy for you.

i can't really feel all that much sympathy for her weird attitude, because hello she is 23 years old. why on earth would she be jealous of you getting married??? that's so young to get married, it's not like you both are 42 or whatever and she is despairing of ever finding mr right. both of you are very young and you just happened to find mr right before her, big deal! she has PLENTY of time to find the right guy and maybe she will be better off by waiting til she is more mature...i surely was!

so i don't know what her whole attitude is stemming from but i'd definitely talk to her about it. again...be gentle about it and understanding but do address it. hopefully she doesn't realize how she is coming off and she might be appalled that she is being perceived this way. i'd also point out that there is going to continue to be a ton of wedding talk in the next year or so or whatever and that she should plan to get used to it (in a nicer way of course). i just can't imagine anyone acting like this. then again i have never really felt jealous of others getting married or whatever before me. what is the point of that negative, wasted emotion that can ruin relationships??

good luck!!

 

[anchor31]

Thank you, Mara. I will talk to her sometime soon. We are indeed very close, and I think she knows something''s wrong, so it''ll come up. It''s a good thing I had the opportunity to vent here, otherwise it could have gotten out in a pretty bitchy bridezilla-ish way... Yikes. I''ll be as gentle as I can, but I''ll make sure she understands that wedding talk can''t be prevented even if I wanted to.

Why would she be jealous? Well, it''s not easy to see your twin go off on an adventure like this when you''re not ready to/can''t follow. I had a hard time when she left for college one term before me. I''m feeling somewhat jealous myself that she has the grades to go on an exchange to Australia or Switzerland next year and is leaving in July or August. It doesn''t excuse the way she''s behaving, but I think I know a little bit where she''s coming from. Just to clarify, we will be 23 at the time of the wedding in 2008.