Unusual e-ring - Need advice, please!

[selma]

Hi everyone,

I’m new to this site, but I’ve been looking around the posts for the last couple of weeks, trying to figure out how to solve my e-ring dilemma and admiring all your beautiful rings. You all seem so amazingly nice and helpful and kind, I thought I’d tell my story and ask for your advice. Please help!

About a month and half ago, my BF proposed and gave me an e-ring – the proposal was wonderful and nothing makes me happier than the idea of spending my life with him.

I’ve posted a picture of the e-ring below, hopefully you’ll be able to see it. I had no input into it at all – it was a surprise. It was custom designed - a friend of his recommended a local designer (I had never heard of them), and not knowing much about diamonds/ e-rings, he just went to see the designer and told them that he wanted something “timeless” – and they worked together and came up with this e-ring. It’s platinum, the RB is 0.6 carats, E colour, VS-2, ring size 6. Unfortunately, I don’t know the rest of the specs. The designer charged about $6,200 for the ring, which to me seems expensive given the diamond but maybe it’s because of the custom work?

I have to say that I have really struggled about the e-ring. I do know that spending our lives together is the most important thing by far. And I do appreciate very, very much the effort he went to have it made and all the sentiment behind it and I know that it is a gift.

But to be honest, it’s the last style of ring I would have ever expected or chosen as an e-ring and I just can’t seem to get used to it being my e-ring (but I keep hoping that I will!). It is a very nice ring, but I find it to be fairly masculine looking, not the most flattering on my finger, hard to wear with a wedding band, and it just doesn’t feel like an e-ring to me, if that makes any sense. I also think that the diamond doesn’t sparkle as much as it could because set in a way that makes it hard to catch the light – it sort of blends into the band. On my hand, it looks less chunky than it does in the photo, but still, it does feel quite heavy.

What do you all think of the ring?
I’m not sure what I’ll do yet. If I did decide to re-set the diamond, how complicated would this be, given the current setting? (I’d probably go for a more delicate setting, maybe a pave halo to maximize the diamond – I know, completely different from what it looks like now!)

Any opinions or advice would be so helpful. Thanks so much!!!

Selma

 

[aphisiglovessae]

I think it's a really cool ring. I think it would look really awesome with two curved diamond bands, one on each side, as wedding bands. Just my opinion though.

ETA: I think that price is a little steep for a ring like that.

 

[Lynn B]

Oh Selma, you sweetheart! What a dilemma you have. Well, first off, let me say that the ring is stunning and quite unique... but it is defintely a style of its own.

It would not be "difficult" per se, to unset and reset the stone. Jewelers do that all the time. But unless the jeweler where your FI got it from is willing to take it back on trade (which would be wonderful, but possibly not real likely) you may have to take a loss on the setting. OUCH, I know! (You could also try reselling it... sometimes that works!)

The description of the style that you would like is SO different than what you have, that (IMHO) there''s just no way to modify the setting you have. I think you''ll have to start "from scratch".

But my bottom line is this... as much as it is reasonably financially possible, I think you should get the setting you want. It is YOUR ring, and you need to adore it EVERY MINUTE you are wearing it.

Oh, just had another thought... how about a simple Tiffany style solitaire setting in white gold? It''s very inexpensive, yet timeless and feminine. Perhaps it would get you through until you are able to get the setting of your dreams?

Keep your chin up, I am sure it will all work out! And keep us posted!

 

[pebbles]

Hi Selma!

First of all, $6200 seems like a LOT of money for that setting, even if that price did include the center stone. But that''s water under the bridge now.

I was totally in your same shoes! My now-husband totally surprised me with an enagement ring and didn''t ask any input from me on what I wanted. The ring was not something I would have picked out, but for years I wore it trying to be happy and telling myself the most important thing was that I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man.

But I found that keeping the fact that I didn''t like the ring to myself built up a lot of resentment. I saw my family members and friends getting engaged and picking out these absolutely gorgeous rings, and I felt a little envious.

One day a few years after we had been married I kind of blurted that I didn''t like my e-ring setting and that I wanted to change it. He was very hurt (and it wasn''t like he had it custom made or spent a lot of time picking it out). It caused a lot of tension between us, as I hardly wore the e-ring and I just wore my wedding band. Like your ring, I could not pair up a w-band with it.

Finally a few months ago I got a whole new ring. He still wasn''t happy but he realized that this was important to me. I wish I had said something a long time ago as maybe my feelings wouldn''t have been so strong and I could have handled things better.

As far as what you can do....is your fiance "emotionally" attached to that setting? My husband was and as I said, didn''t take too kindly to wanting to change it. If you think your fiance wouldn''t mind you changing it, I would mention that it would be really hard to find a wedding band to wear with it. Or maybe say that you have always wanted a different type of setting. I would hope he would be understanding and just want to make you happy, but guys are funny that way.

Or, maybe you could ask if there is some way the jeweler could taper the setting and make it look less chunky. I agree that it really doesn''t look like and e-ring and the stone would show off more in a prong rather than bezel setting.

This is a hard situation to be in. I hope you can talk to your fiance and he will let you change it. Good luck.

 

[BrownEyes]

Hi Selma - - welcome to PriceScope. I''m sure you will find many supportive virtual "friends" here.

I can tell from your post that you are really struggling - you love your fiance and appreciate the effort that apparently went into creating your e-ring, but you just don''t love the ring ...

While I always believe that honesty is the best policy, it''s hard to offer advice without knowing more about the personalities involved (i.e., How sensitive is your fiance? Would his feelings be hurt if you were to make your feelings about the e-ring known to him? How about the jeweler - do you know anything about the jeweler''s return and/or upgrade policy?)

From the photo you posted, it seems that your ambivalence about your e-ring is not mis-placed ... the E/VS2 center stone looks lovely, and your e-ring is certainly distinctive and unique (and that''s an awful lot of platinum!), but the ring does appear to be ultra-modern, heavy and masculine-looking. Honestly, from the practical standpoint of the wedding band alone, I''m surprised a jewelry designer would design it that way ...

There are many, more experienced PS''ers (and jewelers) who post regularly on this Forum, and I''m sure they''ll jump-in with some helpful advice. In the meantime, please know that you''re among friends who will do all they can to help you arrive at a workable solution to your dilemna.

In the meantime, congratulations on your engagement!

 

[XChick03]

Oh, I feel for you. I just can''t imagine having an e-ring I didn''t love and having to wear it every day. And I completely understand not wanting to hurt his feelings. But it is your ring and its really important that you love it and love wearing it. And I can see why you aren''t really crazy about that ring. Its nice, but its not something I would choose. If I were in your position, I would just try to break it to him gently but be honest. Hopefully, he''ll just want you to be happy.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hi Selma

Welcome to PS!! Congrats on your engagement first and foremost. I can see that you adore your FI and want to love this ring. It''s very unique and pretty. But, it is a more masculine ring and hard to wear a wedding ring with. I would be honest with your FI. Perhaps you can go back to the jeweler and design something together that you will truly love. I have no idea how your FI will take this but better to tell him now than years down the road. Good luck and let us know what you decide.

 

[E B]

Selma,

If the setting could be "shaved" so that what's left is a thin bezel around the stone, would you feel better about it? Do you know what I mean? It might be achievable while still keeping the platinum around the diamond.

For example,

 

[rubybrierley]

I absolutely feel for you...my fiance has been fantastic in letting me have a free hand with the design of my ering but I admit I told him I didn''t want him to choose it or design it alone. I do know what it''s like to really and truly appreciate effort and thought but be (secretly) a bit disappointed with the end result..and then to feel guilty because you are disappointed.

Everyone keeps saying that it''s a masculine type ring...is there any way it could be made into a ring for your fiance? My very limited jewellery knowledge means I don''t even know if that''s possible...but that way it would stilll symbolise your engagement but you could have a more feminine, complementary ring made. Even if you used the stone from the original ring? Maybe something to think about.

 

[selma]

Thanks, everyone. It was a really hard post for me to write, because as some of you said, I do feel guilty for the way I feel about my ring since I am over the moon about being engaged and I know all the work he put into it. Just the fact that everyone’s feedback was positive and no one thought I was an awful person for the way I’m feeling helped so much. Thank you!!

I haven’t spoken with the designer, but I doubt that it could be returned or traded in. I have looked that the designer’s website, and all the designs seem really modern and almost industrial-looking to me, with strong lines and angles – the website describes the design esthetic as “bold and funky”, which just not what I’d like in an engagement ring. Maybe one of the other reasons that I have had trouble adjusting to the ring is that it’s too big for me, so I’ve been wearing it on my middle finger so that I don’t lose it; I guess I’ve really hesitated to get it sized since I just don’t know what I want to do about it! - So that makes it seem even less like an engagement ring to me.

I do think that my finance would be sad about it, and I hate to hurt him, but I also think that he would want me to be happy with the ring. I guess I’ve been wishing that it would grow on me, because I am sentimental about it in a way and the effort that went into it. I guess I am still surprised that he chose that ring, because it is so different from the style of jewelry I usually wear. I wish I was a bold and funky person - but I guess i''m not!

It''s amazing how emotional this is. The ring doesn''t feel like "just" a ring to me. I''d love to look down on my hand and see something that just feels right. It''s a funny feeling when people hear I''m enagaged and want to see my ring - such a mixture of emotions for me!

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions on how the ring could possibly be modified. I do think I would be much happier if it was more feminine looking.
I think my options are:
1) Leave it as is and just wear my wedding band after the wedding. I could wear the e-ring on my right hand. And maybe I could find a really nice wedding band that I would love and the e-ring wouldn''t matter as much ?
2) Compromise and try to modify the setting so that it looks more feminine. Please give me any more suggestions you might have as to the various possibilities. I think that shaving down the platinum would make lighter and it a bit closer to a “traditional” ring and more feminine, so that might be a compromise.
3) Re-set it in a whole new setting. I know I could find something that I love, and a simple setting would be great too, but I guess we''d both have to accept that the original ring would be gone.

Thank you so much for all your responses! Please let me know if you have any more questions, and I''ll reply right back...
Selma

 

[Scintillating]

Wow, I am so sorry you're going through this.

I really feel like that jewelry designer took advantage of your BF.
A really nice H&As .60 E VS2 diamond should cost $2600
So he charged your BF $3600 for that setting.
I gotta say - that's just highway robbery.
(There may be A LOT of platinum in that setting, but geez.)

I think you have to be honest with your Fiance. (But gently)
Consider it practice for marriage.
Honesty and communication are really important in a relationship.
If he finds out in a few years how you feel about the ring - he's going to be upset that you didn't say something - so it COULD be fixed.

I say try to sell it back to the jeweler. (At least the setting.)
Shaving it down is going to be a disaster.

Or try to sell it.
(Diamondtalk.com has a forum to sell pieces.)

Scintillating...

 

[widget]

Hi, Selma!

You sound like such a sweet girl. My heart goes out to you with your dilemma....and I absolutely understand why you might be disappointed by the design of that ring. While it''s lovely, it certainly doesn''t match most young women''s idea of a "dream Ering".

I suppose it might be worth while to talk to the designer to see what modifications could be done...shave it down, fem it up, etc etc...but I suspect the options are limited....and it still might not be something you''d love. I hope some pros jump in here with their thoughts.

I think you should talk to you fiance...he sounds like a doll...and I bet he''ll understand when he sees how painful all this is for you.

I suspect the best choice would be a new mounting...super simple and inexpensive if need be, at least for a few years until you can get the "Ering of your Dreams".

Good luck, let us know how you resolve this, oh, and of course...Congratulations on you engagement!

widget

 

[rubybrierley]

Show him this thread...and talk to him...it may help for him to see that other people have had similar situations to yours. He would want you to be happy - THAT''S the reason he went to all that effort - not because he specifically wanted you to have THAT ring. Hope you know what I mean.

 

[orbaya]

That is a very unique ring! It has nice clean lines. I think if you got two custom shared prong bands (one on each side) that curve with the ering, it would look beautiful!

I think it would feminize the ering also.

If you do decide to reset your diamond, I think putting a sapphire or other colored stone would look sharp...and you can wear it on your right hand.

 

[movie zombie]

given the effort he took to be imaginative and creative, i think he''s going to be hurt no matter how gently he is approached.
however, as stated above, you don''t want to come to resent wearing a ring you don''t particularly care for.
and i just can''t see having an e-ring that you leave in the drawer [he will notice you''re not wearing it and everything will come out anyway].
if it is possible, perhaps some little diamonds scattered down the sides of the ring to fem it up a bit? [btw, i like the ring but then i like things ''unusual''.]
and i like the idea of curved diamond bands on either side. but you might have to have those custom made as well.
as hard as it is, the best thing is to find a way to discuss it with him with minimal hurt feelings.
good luck.

movie zombie

 

[Odilia]

Selma, I agree with those that say be honest with him about it. I actually got to choose my own first e-ring setting, and wound up hating it. I was sick about it, thinking, I can''t believe I''m stuck with this and it''s all my own fault! And I, like you, tried to learn to like it, and wanted to be sentimental about it. Well, in the end I did have to tell him. (I was losing tons of weight, and while most girls might consider that an advantage, I didn''t really need to lose more..) He always said he was glad I told him, since he wouldn''t want it gnawing on me or causing stress. I never could find quite what I wanted (since at that point I didn''t trust myself to know what I wanted!), so I did just change it to a solitaire for the time being, until I find my "dream setting." Also I think I''m similar to you in that I would much rather have something a whole lot more delicate and feminine, and a better match for a WB. I would definitely tell him. You never know, when he got it from the designer, maybe he wasn''t crazy about it either, but hoped you''d like it? [Was he really involved in the design, or just said "timeless" and that''s what they gave him?] He would probably rather know now than find out years later you never liked it.
I agree with Scintillating''s comments: "I think you have to be honest with your Fiance. (But gently)
Consider it practice for marriage.
Honesty and communication are really important in a relationship.
If he finds out in a few years how you feel about the ring - he''s going to be upset that you didn''t say something - so it COULD be fixed."

 

[glaucomflecken]

Hi Selma,
Just wanted to say congrats to you on your engagement, welcome to PS and also share that you are not alone in this situation.

For years, I had hoped that someday when I got proposed to, it would be with my dream ring from the Tacori collection. Years later, I found the man of my dreams and it came time to propose, and he chose albeit a lovely lovely ring, very similar to what I wanted, but it wasnt the ring of my dreams. It was expensive and heartfelt,and I felt like the most AWFUL shallow and materialistic person for disliking my ring. I loved it as a ring, but I held what I wanted in an e-ring to a different standard. I wore the ring and tried desperately to love it, but instead of feeling happy about being engaged to my sweetie, and reveling in that happiness, all I could do was focus on my ring and I was afraid when i showed it to people that they could read my face or emotion about it. I found myself trying to convince myself that I would someday love it, and that it was special because the ring he proposed with etc, but I just didnt feel it. I still envied other girls rings and looked at rings online daily.

One day I just decided that I had to talk to my FI about it. I was actually depressed about this ring situation and would cry, etc. (prob just the emotion of the whole engagement thing) I sat him down and told him how I felt. He was very hurt of course, but told me that he wouldnt want to have to pretend to be happy with something I gace him if he didnt like it, etc. or something like that. So he agreed to change the setting, but only if we found some way to still wear my old ring. We ended up setting my birthstone in it, and I wear it as a RHR. i LOVE it that way much better.

I dont know how your fiance would react, but for me, I knew in my heart that if I didnt love it now, I wouldnt ever. the new ring had the same sentiment to me (he actually reproposed LOL) and now its the set i was married with so there are no hard feelings. Your fiance loves you and Im sure he wants to see you happy.

perhaps you could get your birthstone set in that ring (or another fun stone) as a RHR? I think that ring would look SO cool as a RHR! You could also do something simple like a solitaire now if money is a concern since he spent $$ on the first setting.

keep us updated!

 

[MINE!!]

Actually, I think that it is a great and unusual ring.. it would look FAB U LOUS with a nice curved wedding band.. yummm yummm.

 

[windowshopper]

Selma:

I answer your post with great hesitancy.........................when i look at it I get a flood of bad memories. I think the ring looks nothing like an engagement ring. It looks like a ring designed by a man for himself. While many woman and men have a traditional approach to engagements where the man chooses the ring alone as a surprise--in most cases the man tries to get something that he feels suits the woman in style or personality etc. I find it disturbing that any man would be upset that a woman didnt like the ring he chose. He is supposed to be pleasing you. Not being offended that you dont like what he likes. Afterall--the woman is the one who has to wear it.............and wouldnt a loving fiance want his fiancee to LOVE the ring?

 

[FireGoddess]

Selma, that ring is AMAZING - I love it - but it is definitely not a "timeless engagement ring" by any stretch of the imagination. A cool RHR perhaps, but not an ering. I agree with the masses and think it would be best if you came clean to your FI that you''re not in love with this setting, and you want to be in love with your ring because of all it represents. I think he may feel hurt at first, but ultimately will get over it when he realizes what it means to you.

 

[monarch64]

Selma, I feel for ya, girl. You presented your situation in the most diplomatic way possible, which I very much respect. But if you can''t see yourself living with this ring the rest of your happy lives, I agree that it is in order for you to come clean with your future intended. It wouldn''t be fair to him for you to keep your feelings to yourself...this is something that, no matter how much it hurts him to hear, you need to be honest about and tell him you don''t think you''ll be happy with your ring.

I do think the setting is beautiful and modern, but to me it would look better as a right hand ring with a colored stone. I have a feeling he did not know what he was getting into by going to this jeweler and asking for something "timeless." While the design is simplistic and understatedly elegant, it is obviously worlds away from what both of you had probably envisioned. Could it be that he is feeling a little blue about it himself? Has he asked you if you really, REALLY love it? If he has, he may be trying to give you the hint that he''s not completely happy with it himself but doesn''t want to admit that maybe he messed up.

I''m so sorry you''re in this predicament. What a tough situation, but you will get through it. Find a peaceful time when the two of you don''t have to be somewhere or you''re both relaxed, and then ask him if you can talk about your ring. It could turn out to be the start of something you really both love, although it may be a bit of a "rocky" adventure (absolutely no pun intended! Seriously!) In the end, if you love each other this will not come between you, and you will feel much better for having worked through a difficult issue together as newly betrothed. Good luck! Let us know how it goes!

 

[mrssalvo]

Date: 2/2/2006 10:53:51 PM
Author: windowshopper
Selma:


I answer your post with great hesitancy.........................when i look at it I get a flood of bad memories. I think the ring looks nothing like an engagement ring. It looks like a ring designed by a man for himself. While many woman and men have a traditional approach to engagements where the man chooses the ring alone as a surprise--in most cases the man tries to get something that he feels suits the woman in style or personality etc. I find it disturbing that any man would be upset that a woman didnt like the ring he chose. He is supposed to be pleasing you. Not being offended that you dont like what he likes. Afterall--the woman is the one who has to wear it.............and wouldnt a loving fiance want his fiancee to LOVE the ring?

i''ve got to agree with widowshopper here. It would be one thing if you LOVED the ring and it was exactly like you wanted that''s one thing. you obviously don''t love it for your e-ring and I agree with telling your fiance sooner than later. Tell him how much you love him and appreciate his gesture but you just don''t like the ring. I truly hope he is the type of man who would be understanding and supportive and let you pick out a setting you really love. please keep us posted.

 

[E B]

Another thought:

Perhaps the ring could be shaved so that you can KEEP the original design but just have...I don''t know, less of it. Paired with curved diamond eternity bands on either side, I think it''d look a lot more feminine and you might just end up learning to love it. If you don''t think your fiance will be hurt, re-set it. You wouldn''t want him to have to wear something he wasn''t happy with.

 

[gailrmv]

Selma,
I really feel for you. As you can see, you are not alone! I wish we could see how the ring looks on your hand. In my opinion the best solution would be to talk with your fiance and change the setting (I like the suggestion about a simple solitaire if money is a concern). I think the jeweler charged your husband a lot. Maybe he would at least take back the platinum? Probably, to the jeweler this was "timeless," just not the traditional e-ring that others might think of.

The only "easy" modification I can see to make to your ring is to have little diamonds scattered throughout it. Can''t think of a better way to describe it, but check out the Tiffany Etoile. I''m not sure if that would make it any more timeless or delicate, but maybe a little more feminine. However, that isn''t going to be cheap either - maybe $50 each for the diamond and labor, and you''d probably want 10 of them - whereas you can have a brand new soliatire for $200 or so.

In economics they always say fixed costs are sunk. In other words, the $6200 has already been spent, so don''t consider it in your calculations from this point forward (hard, I know). Would you be happier with what you have at $0 additional cost, or with a simple solitaire for $200 or so?

Good luck!! And congratulations on your engagement!
Gail

 

[BrownEyes]

Selma:

You must talk to your fiance - show him this thread if you have to ... you may find that your fiance himself was hesitant about the e-ring design ... maybe it was the result of an overly-persuasive jeweler ... maybe the whole design thing spiraled out of control and your fiance himself felt pressured ... In any event, if you hold your feelings back, your disappointment may only get worse over time and that won''t be healthy for you or your marriage.

You sound so reasonable, sweet and sincere in your posts, I can''t imagine that your fiance would be hurt or offended by this. He must be a very thoughtful guy to have gone to the trouble of having the ring hand-crafted, etc. Hopefully, he will just want to make things right - - which in this case may be to have that lovely E/VS2 diamond re-set in a way that suits your taste and personality.

I also think you and your fiance should let the jeweler know that: (a) the e-ring, while lovely and well-crafted, is not suited to your taste; and (b) the e-ring is not properly sized. Perhaps the jeweler will agree to buy the setting back ... or at the very least, take it back on consignment.

Finally, I''m more than curious to have a look at some of the other designs on the jeweler''s website ... are you comfortable posting that information?

In any event, I''m glad you found some support at PriceScope - I really hope it helps you to vent and share ideas on this Forum.

Best of luck to you ... please let us know what you decide ...

 

[AndyRosse]

Selma, you have gotten a lot of great advice, and I can tell you love your fiance and desperately want to be happy with the ring. But in the end, you aren''t happy, and you need to sit him down and explain your feelings. You guys are eventually going to get married, and if you don''t know how to communicate, your marriage will never work.

Explain to him exactly what you told us. You came across not as a materalistic person, but a wonderful woman who is madly in love with her fiance. Unfortunately, that ring is just not your style, or anywhere near it actually! He will understand.

 

[ellewoods]

Hi Selma.

I am so sorry you''re going through this difficult situation. I think you should definitely talk to your fiance.....he sounds very considerate and wants to make you happy, so I think he''d probably take it better than you think.

The ring is a very pretty setting -- IF you had your heart set on that setting. Otherwise, its a very unique setting that is very much you love it or you don''t. Please don''t feel badly that you don''t love it. The center stone is beautiful but I also don''t know why the designer (or your fiance) would want to hide it under such a setting.

I don''t have any easy answers, but I think you should bring it up diplomatically and work on it together. I mean you''re spending the rest of your life with this man. You will talk about (and argue about!) timing of children, working, careers, where to live, what to spend money on, what to not spend money on, etc. etc. Obviously don''t be mean or hurtful to him, but this is a honest issue that needs to be addressed. I think he''ll be much happier knowing you love it 100%.

Also, as far as the two diamond bands --

This is just MY personal opinion....but I think 2 diamond bands looks tacky. What does that mean? You''ve got an e-ring, and a wedding ring. What the heck is the second wedding ring for? I''ve always been baffled by this and I still don''t understand it. You get engaged, and if its part of your culture that you and your fiance agree on you get an engagement ring of some sort. Then when you marry, you put on a wedding band. I don''t understand the purpose of 2 bands, one on each side of the engagement ring. To me it looks confusing and a bit overkill. And if you''re not happy with the e-ring, no number of wedding bands on the outside is going to make you feel better about it.

This is my own opinion of course, and I do not mean to offend anyone.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I agree with everyone else. You need to talk to him. I do think it is a cool ring but if you are disappointed let him know. I am sure he just wants you happy.

 

[sluke]

First of all, I would like to say congratulations on your engagement!

Second, about the ring. It is pretty and unique, however, like many here, it is not engagment like in the traditional sense. If you don''t love it as an engagment ring now, you will probably never love it. If getting another one is not an option, perhaps you can do some engraving to it, perhaps some floral or some sort of frilly/miligrain design to make it more "antique and feminine". Maybe even adding some melees? Pave?

 

[Garysax]

I actually think the ring is very nice... IF he knew you liked extremely modern settings. That''s a big IF--and it doesn''t sound like you expressed that to him so now you guys are in a bad situation.

I don''t know. I just sort of came out on the opposite side of this. I was pretty sure that my g/f really liked modern settings and she confirmed it by telling me when we were out shopping in a mall. I decided on a very exotic and modern Gelin Abaci tension setting on my own. But I couldn''t go through with buying and giving it to her without consulting her, because it was such an exotic and potentially upsetting ring if she didn''t like it. So I showed her G+A rings and the ring in question and she became very upset. She wanted it to be a total surprise and she wanted herself to have no input in it. So I''ve had to deal with her anger and resentment from that angle--from consulting her!

So you see the dilemma here from his perspective. I guess it''s possible to inelegantly ask your intended if she wants any input on the ring--but if he does that he''s basically tipped her off already and broken the surprise.

That said, if she came up to me after she got it and told me she wanted a different setting I''d be hurt but it would go away. And it''d be much better than her building up resentment like an above poster detailed. So I guess I''d tell him too.