Trying not to sound greedy ;)

[KatyWI]

I had this issue too!

We didn''t get gifts from about half of our attendees either, and like you I don''t want to sound greedy, but let''s face it... to a certain degree it is expected to bring/send a gift to a wedding, and I can''t say I wasn''t hurt by some of the people who appear not to have gifted us. Oh well... I had a wonderful time with our loved ones and am focusing on that.

 

[jstarfireb]

Oh, for the ones who came but didn''t bring gifts, I still sent them a thank-you note for showing up. I talked about how it was nice to see them since we don''t get to see each other often, etc. I guess it''s sort of a way of being the bigger person, since it doesn''t cost much to send a note.

 

[susied]

Date: 9/7/2009 8:57:01 PM
Author: Black Jade
I don''t think the best man is supposed to give a gift, nor the maid of honor. In fact, the way I understood it, you as the bride and groom give the bridal party thank you gifts and don''t expect things from them as they have a) given up time b) bought/rented clothes that they most probably won''t use again and c)bridesmaids usually give a shower and usually even give shower gifts at the shower.
I did get gifts from some of my bridesmaids which was nice of them, but agian, not expected.
There are also special situations. where somebody who is not well off made a crazy long trip that was expensive. But they should at least give a card.
The only way I don''t give a gift is when someone who doesn''t know me well invites me and my husband to their wedding and I have the feeling that it''s to get a gift. (They usually send signals to this effect). In that case, I politely decline to attend the wedding, also.
I once went to a bridal shower where the bride (my niece) was demanding over the top gifts for the SHOWER. I just gave a normal gift (something like a hand-mixer--guests were giving her gifts like a leather coat (just one, for her, not her husband) and a big screen tv. Me and my husband gave a few hundred$$$ for the wedding. I forget exactly how many. She was in general a very demanding girl and not shy about it, but she WAS my niece.
she was divorced within the year--she was demanding to her husband, too and plus, cheated on him.

Not to get off topic, but interesting that you mention this, because I was in (BM only, not MOH) two weddings a few years ago for VERY close friends. I had to travel for both, which meant I was incurring lots of costs above and beyond paying for the BM dress, makeup, hair, etc. I gave both of these girls a little less cash at the wedding than I would normally due to all my other costs, and both got a gift for their wedding showers NOT on the registries. Both of them gave me attitude about it.
Back to the topic, I have NEVER gone to a wedding empty handed. While the amount of my gift depends on how well I know someone, etc., I would feel bad not giving a gift, but that''s just me. Also, everyone I''ve been close to that has gotten married in the last couple of years knows EXACTLY (years later) who did not give gifts.

 

[trillionaire]

This is an interesting thread. Off the bat, I will say that the OP doesn''t sound greedy, more so surprised!

I think as brides, we have more exposure to ideas of etiquette than the average person, so I think that it colors our expectations.

My own thoughts, on the topic generally, not to the OP specifically...

I am in the process of wedding planning, and I can''t imagine EXPECTING anything from any guest, including attendance. I''ve never been invited to a local wedding, and they are always a budget bender for me, and frequently inconvenient. I go when the people are important to me, or when I can, (I''ve been in graduate school on a tight student budget) including going without a gift, knowing that I have a year to send one after the fact. I think a gift for a first anniversary is very timely and sweet... but I also love getting things unexpectedly. I am also insanely forgetful with my wedding cards, and though I ALWAYS buy them, I have a collection of them in my home because I always leave them in the car, in my hotel, in my apartment, etc. It''s not intentional, guess I''m just a ditz. If people go out of their way to attend my wedding, then that is the gift, IMO. I doesnt matter how much you spend per person, because people would show up to a house party just like they would a 5 course meal... how you choose to throw the party is your personal decision, not the guests. That said, I do bring or send a gift, and I think it is thoughtful, but the idea of someone expecting/demanding a gift is very offputting to me.

I doubt we will register, unless FI insists on it. We have love, good friends and supportive family. I can''t see what more we need.

And in this economy, I will particularly be feeling blessed and flattered if people choose to sacrifice to attend and celebrate with us.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Jstar: I understand how your hubby is, in china, weddings are a very big deal, and usually come accompanied with large monetary gifts (relative to how well of the guest is). My side of the family easily gave us 5-10x the amount per person than his did, and my family didn''t even attend the wedding. Of course I understand the cultural differences at play here, so I didn''t find it offensive that some of his close family came with just $20. But I was a little surprised that some of his close family came with nothing at all. In china, this would constitute a huge sign of disrespect towards us as a couple. My cousin didn''t send us a present, which insulted my mom to the point of not wanting to attend my cousin''s wedding! That''s how big a deal it is, lol.

I also find it funny that it''s ok to expect cards/present at a birthday party, but not at a wedding (which is often also a party). If anything, I''d think that gifts would be more expected at a wedding (but that may be my cultural bias talking again?).

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/8/2009 4:06:29 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
Jstar: I understand how your hubby is, in china, weddings are a very big deal, and usually come accompanied with large monetary gifts (relative to how well of the guest is). My side of the family easily gave us 5-10x the amount per person than his did, and my family didn''t even attend the wedding. Of course I understand the cultural differences at play here, so I didn''t find it offensive that some of his close family came with just $20. But I was a little surprised that some of his close family came with nothing at all. In china, this would constitute a huge sign of disrespect towards us as a couple. My cousin didn''t send us a present, which insulted my mom to the point of not wanting to attend my cousin''s wedding! That''s how big a deal it is, lol.

I also find it funny that it''s ok to expect cards/present at a birthday party, but not at a wedding (which is often also a party). If anything, I''d think that gifts would be more expected at a wedding (but that may be my cultural bias talking again?).

LOL, I rarely see people bring gifts to birthday parties these days, only close friends or for children. *shrugs* Maybe it is cultural or regional or something...

 

[Haven]

I think a lot of people really don''t have any clue about gift-giving and wedding etiquette in general.

I learned this during my own wedding planning process, and it was a shocking experience at times. I think the way we are raised, and the social circles in which we run have the most to do with our expectations and understanding of what is and isn''t appropriate in social situations.

For example, I *always* show up to weddings empty handed, because where I come from it is considered rude to bring a gift to the wedding. Instead, we send the gift to the bride''s home prior to the actual wedding, as that way the couple does not have the burden of managing the gifts during the reception (prevention of theft and whatnot) and of transporting a lot of gifts from the reception site to their home at the end of their wedding. However, I see many people bringing envelopes and large gifts to actual receptions these days.

I also see people wearing black to weddings, and sending out pre-printed thank you notes, or not even sending a thank you at all. All of these things shock me, but then I remind myself that these people probably don''t mean to be rude by doing any of these things, and they probably have no clue that a large amount of people would consider these choices to be rude. (But really--pre-printed thank you notes? Come on!)

My own upbringing was a little more traditional and old school, I imagine, as far as etiquette is concerned, and I''ve learned to give people a bit of slack when they behave in ways that are appalling to me at first glance. A dear friend of mine gave us a $15 gift card to a retail store for our wedding. Was it a bit surprising to me when I first saw it? Yes. But I also know her well enough to know that she loves me and gave us what she could give and what she felt appropriate. And she was at our wedding, and celebrated with us, and continues to share in our life, and that is all that really matters in the end.

 

[trinity911]

i hear what people say about the bridal party perhaps being exempt from buying presents but one of my bridesmaids didn't even get us a card despite my paying for her dress, makeup and gift on the day. She didn't have to travel far and didn't even pay for my bridal shower as it was a communal meal where we ALL had to pay. needless to say, I'm not impressed as I would never dream of being so rude and she's really gone down in my estimation. On another note, we had quite a number of presents from people who couldn't make it or weren't even invited - that was really touching.

 

[Patchee]

Hi Neatfreak

and anyone else that quoted me.

I know weddings are about sharing your special day with us instead of where''s my gift but ...

1) I think it is class-less to show up to a wedding without something!! I would never not bring a gift whether monetary or other. If I could not afford it, I would not go to the wedding but later on send a card with $$ when I could afford it.

2) In my case it was my CLOSE AUNT who came up lame without even an empty card BUT, a month later she told me what I could buy her kid for Christmas this year. And, my friend of 10 years that I see every single day... nothing! But on the other hand she tells me about the gift that she just gave her friend who got married 2 weeks after me... WTF.

I know it''s about sharing our day but would you show up to your Mom''s on Xmas with no present? It''s the same thing! Your kid doesn''t go to a birthday party without a gift. Same thing really.

I did send the friend a thank you saying thanks for helping with the set up the day before our wedding. That was it. The Aunt will not get a thank you, nor will her kid get what my Aunt told me I could buy her for Xmas

 

[zipzapgirl]

We had a few people who didn''t give any gifts/cards, but i think what was a little bit shocking was who they were...

- Mr. Zip''s sister
- A friend who has been over to our house often and seen the place settings and other gifts literally stacked against the wall
- A couple who ragged Mr. Zip after their wedding about not having received a gift and come to find out that there was either a mistake with the registry or they received the gift twice (William Sonoma apologized and resent the gift) and then gave us the thank youcard for said gift at our wedding--two years after theirs!

There was also a cousin with a family of five who gave us a $10 picture frame as a gift (he sold his family business for millions of dollars last year).

It''s strange really. So many of our friends and family put such special thoughts into their gifts and really went out of their way to make things special for us. And then there were a few where you just don''t understand why they couldn''t have at least written a sincere card to congratulate you, or put 15 minutes into ordering anything off the registry. For us, it wasn''t about the money or the gift itself, it just seemed to show a real indifference on the part of so many guests.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/8/2009 4:30:21 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/8/2009 4:06:29 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I also find it funny that it''s ok to expect cards/present at a birthday party, but not at a wedding (which is often also a party). If anything, I''d think that gifts would be more expected at a wedding (but that may be my cultural bias talking again?).

LOL, I rarely see people bring gifts to birthday parties these days, only close friends or for children. *shrugs* Maybe it is cultural or regional or something...

Same here. I haven''t seen friends exchange birthday gifts since early high school, with the exception of extremely close friends.

 

[musey]

Date: 9/9/2009 1:09:11 PM
Author: Patchee
1) I think it is class-less to show up to a wedding without something!! I would never not bring a gift whether monetary or other. If I could not afford it, I would not go to the wedding but later on send a card with $$ when I could afford it.

I''d be really sad to find out that anyone didn''t attend our wedding just because they couldn''t afford to give us a gift

 

[MakingTheGrade]

Just to clarify the birthday thing, whenever one of my friends has a birthday get together where they are the host (i.e. a dinner party etc), everyone always brings something, like a bottle of wine as a hostess present, or a birthday gift.

Alternatively, we often go out to dinner to celebrate birthdays. In this case we don''t bring presents, but we buy them dinner and drinks instead.

I have yet to go to either of these where someone didn''t bring something to the dinner party, or didn''t chip in for dinner.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 9/9/2009 11:57:06 PM
Author: musey

Date: 9/9/2009 1:09:11 PM

Author: Patchee

1) I think it is class-less to show up to a wedding without something!! I would never not bring a gift whether monetary or other. If I could not afford it, I would not go to the wedding but later on send a card with $$ when I could afford it.

I''d be really sad to find out that anyone didn''t attend our wedding just because they couldn''t afford to give us a gift

I''m with you Musey. And I don''t expect gifts at birthday parties either. Maybe a cultural thing but I just don''t expect gifts ever. They are a nice gesture-but not necessary IMO.

Maybe the whole gift thing is cultural but I personally would be really hurt if a friend didn''t come to my wedding because she couldn''t afford a gift and wouldn''t come without one. I invited people because I wanted them there to share my special day NOT because I wanted a gift from them.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

No matter what your economic state, I feel like anyone and everyone could afford to write a quick note on a folded piece of paper to give as a card. I don't mind lack of gifts, but to not even bring a card is just a little hurtful in my opinion, especially if you are close to the bride and groom.

I had a lot of college friends at my wedding, many of whom were still in school or just started working so weren't exactly rolling in dough. But they almost all brought cards, many of which were cute and quirky and a reflection of our friendships. One guest made his own card, which I just adored, and included a lovely heartfelt letter, which I thought was the sweetest thing! Another one of my friends flew in from across the country even though she wasn't employed, and so I certainly didn't want or expect a gift, but she made me the most intricate little origami lotus since it was part of our wedding thing, which I thought was so thoughtful.

So I don't think it's the monetary or etiquette aspect of the gift or card, it's more the sentiment.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 9/10/2009 1:26:32 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
No matter what your economic state, I feel like anyone and everyone could afford to write a quick note on a folded piece of paper to give as a card. I don''t mind lack of gifts, but to not even bring a card is just a little hurtful in my opinion, especially if you are close to the bride and groom.

I had a lot of college friends at my wedding, many of whom were still in school or just started working so weren''t exactly rolling in dough. But they almost all brought cards, many of which were cute and quirky and a reflection of our friendships. One guest made his own card, which I just adored, and included a lovely heartfelt letter, which I thought was the sweetest thing! Another one of my friends flew in from across the country even though she wasn''t employed, and so I certainly didn''t want or expect a gift, but she made me the most intricate little origami lotus since it was part of our wedding thing, which I thought was so thoughtful.

So I don''t think it''s the monetary or etiquette aspect of the gift or card, it''s more the sentiment.

I think a lot of it is knowing your guests and deciding whether it''s worth it to get hurt/ angry/ upset over it.

I think those were wonderfully thoughtful things for your friends to do for you. But, for example, my brother who will be a newlywed with a newborn when I get married is sooooooooo not the type to write a heart-felt note or do something artsy. So, I will not be the slightest bit offended when, as I fully expect, him and his wife do not get me a wedding gift. Their gift to me will be their presence on my special day.

I''m with Musey and Neatfreak in that if I found out someone was not planning to attend my wedding because of the gift, I would be really saddened.

Gifts are nice but they''re nothing to get worked up about, imho.

 

[MakingTheGrade]

I do think to some degree it''s a cultural thing as well. Like I said, I come from a background where the gift-etiquette thing is important and symbolic etc, so I probably take it more personally.

It''s not something I lose sleep over or pick fights over

But I''ll never feel that it''s perfectly ok and polite to go to a wedding without a card or token gift, it''s just ingrained.

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/10/2009 5:27:46 PM
Author: MakingTheGrade
I do think to some degree it's a cultural thing as well. Like I said, I come from a background where the gift-etiquette thing is important and symbolic etc, so I probably take it more personally.

It's not something I lose sleep over or pick fights over

But I'll never feel that it's perfectly ok and polite to go to a wedding without a card or token gift, it's just ingrained.

Exactly. I would be deely saddened if someone wasn't able to attend our wedding because they couldn't afford a gift. I would not think twice if someone came empty handed to a wedding because of financial difficulties. It's so true - it really does depend on the relationship you have with the people. The gifts (or lack thereof) that made us go 'hmmm' were from people who are known to be very self-centered or have been incredibly cheap in the past.

I, too, come from a similar culture as MTG. For instance, I would never dream of going over to someone's house without something in hand. The first dinner party I attended with my then bf, he didnt think it was necessary to bring a hostess gift, or if I really had to bring something, it should be under 10$. That's not how I was raised. Similarly, we never return a plate empty. If a neighbor or friend made/baked me something, it would be terrible manners to return it without something you cooked or if you don't have the time, return the plate with sweets or chocolates or at the very least sugar. So when I first started getting my plates and bowls back from my neighbors empty, I'd go 'hmmm'. Now I know it's just not something that's done here, so I don't take it personally.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/10/2009 5:49:14 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/10/2009 5:27:46 PM

Author: MakingTheGrade

I do think to some degree it's a cultural thing as well. Like I said, I come from a background where the gift-etiquette thing is important and symbolic etc, so I probably take it more personally.

It's not something I lose sleep over or pick fights over

But I'll never feel that it's perfectly ok and polite to go to a wedding without a card or token gift, it's just ingrained.

Exactly. I would be deely saddened if someone wasn't able to attend our wedding because they couldn't afford a gift. I would not think twice if someone came empty handed to a wedding because of financial difficulties. It's so true - it really does depend on the relationship you have with the people. The gifts (or lack thereof) that made us go 'hmmm' were from people who are known to be very self-centered or have been incredibly cheap in the past.

I, too, come from a similar culture as MTG. For instance, I would never dream of going over to someone's house without something in hand. The first dinner party I attended with my then bf, he didnt think it was necessary to bring a hostess gift, or if I really had to bring something, it should be under 10$. That's not how I was raised. Similarly, we never return a plate empty. If a neighbor or friend made/baked me something, it would be terrible manners to return it without something you cooked or if you don't have the time, return the plate with sweets or chocolates or at the very least sugar. So when I first started getting my plates and bowls back from my neighbors empty, I'd go 'hmmm'. Now I know it's just not something that's done here, so I don't take it personally.

kama, that is so interesting about not returning a plate or bowl empty! Do you mind me asking what your cultural background is? (If so, no big deal!) I love learning about things like that!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/11/2009 2:25:53 PM
Author: thing2of2


kama, that is so interesting about not returning a plate or bowl empty! Do you mind me asking what your cultural background is? (If so, no big deal!) I love learning about things like that!

Don''t mind at all! I''m Indian (as in, South Asian)

 

[Maria D]

Date: 9/11/2009 4:13:29 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/11/2009 2:25:53 PM

Author: thing2of2



kama, that is so interesting about not returning a plate or bowl empty! Do you mind me asking what your cultural background is? (If so, no big deal!) I love learning about things like that!

Don''t mind at all! I''m Indian (as in, South Asian)

I think that''s a dangerous tradition kama_s! I would be dropping off plates of brownies every day in the hopes of getting back chicken tikka! I loooove Indian food.

Back to the original topic -- I can understand some guests not being able to afford even a modest gift. But one third or half of them? I find this hard to believe. You can go to target and pick up a set of wine glasses for under $25 -- even as little as $10. When we say "couldn''t afford a gift" do we mean ANY gift or a gift off the registry? Maybe registries are the problem.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 9/11/2009 4:13:29 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/11/2009 2:25:53 PM

Author: thing2of2

kama, that is so interesting about not returning a plate or bowl empty! Do you mind me asking what your cultural background is? (If so, no big deal!) I love learning about things like that!

Don''t mind at all! I''m Indian (as in, South Asian)

Very cool tradition...and yeah, I would be giving out a lot of plates if that was the tradition here!

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/14/2009 3:50:15 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 9/11/2009 4:13:29 PM
Author: kama_s

Date: 9/11/2009 2:25:53 PM

Author: thing2of2

kama, that is so interesting about not returning a plate or bowl empty! Do you mind me asking what your cultural background is? (If so, no big deal!) I love learning about things like that!

Don''t mind at all! I''m Indian (as in, South Asian)

Very cool tradition...and yeah, I would be giving out a lot of plates if that was the tradition here!

LOL! I like that tradition! I did that once, but the recipient was unappreciative, and just annoyed that she still had to clean the dish. I had made her delicious cookies!

*shugs*

 

[galvana]

My DH and I just finished our Thank you''s. We also has several surprising people that did not give a gift/card - we sent thank you''s to EVERYONE that attended though. We felt it was right to just say thank you for celebrating with us.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/15/2009 10:06:33 AM
Author: iloveprincesscuts
My DH and I just finished our Thank you''s. We also has several surprising people that did not give a gift/card - we sent thank you''s to EVERYONE that attended though. We felt it was right to just say thank you for celebrating with us.

If I got a thank you card and had not sent a gift, I would then be inclined to send one.

 

[katamari]

I think gifting is so difficult because it is something we do to define social relationships. It was really hard for me to not analyze our gifts (or non-gifts). The difficulty for me was that we had a reception only and when people, especially family, gave me less than I know they had given other family members, it made me fell like they took it personally that we didn't invite them to our marriage ceremony.

ETA: It also made me reconsider how much FI and I gift. We are gracious gifters. We have never given less than $200 or a $200 present for a wedding. However, seeing how few $200+ gifts we got, it almost made us uncomfortable to have given that much. (We also, though, didn't have a formal reception, so maybe people were using the 'covering your plate' rule).

 

[nathanielprenaud]

yeah you are right, just focus on the event of the wedding and how the attendees made an effort to attend. This is something to think about. I am also going to wed this January 2010, I think, right now, I should not expect my attendees to bring gifts...

With regards to gift, what is the best groomsmen gifts to give? I been reading forums, blogs etc. searching for right gifts for them. I saw an
engraved cufflinks, do you think guys this would make a great gift for them? thanks

 

[Smurfysmiles]

I was pleasantly surprised at our wedding. Those who didn''t bring gifts gave money or gift cards! And the gifts I ended up loving the most were gifts not on the registry And to boot, everyone in the wedding party gave us awesome gifts! I''m still itchin to try out our magic bullet from our moh

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/12/2009 12:42:08 PM
Author: Maria D


I think that''s a dangerous tradition kama_s! I would be dropping off plates of brownies every day in the hopes of getting back chicken tikka! I loooove Indian food.

LOL. I do make excellent chicken tikka

Thing2of2: Hahaha, I bet you would!

Trill: GIVE ME YOUR COOKIES! I appreciate! I appreciate!

 

[kama_s]

Date: 9/20/2009 2:05:51 PM
Author: katamari

ETA: It also made me reconsider how much FI and I gift. We are gracious gifters. We have never given less than $200 or a $200 present for a wedding. However, seeing how few $200+ gifts we got, it almost made us uncomfortable to have given that much. (We also, though, didn''t have a formal reception, so maybe people were using the ''covering your plate'' rule).

We had the same predicament. We had friends attend our wedding and give us quite a generous gift, but much under what we normally give. We just attended their wedding and spent our usual 250$. They felt really bad and guilty for not giving us the same amount and it put us in a really awkward position. Considering what we received at our wedding, I, too, am wondering if we are making others uncomfortable by our gifts?