today''s Q...if a friend invited me out for dinner...

[Dancing Fire]

would it be rude of me if i order thee most expensive dishes on the menu?

i was dining at Morten's and over heard this guy sitting next to our table saying to his friend...since you're buying dinner tonight i'm ordering thee most expensive food on the menu.

isn't this guy being rude ?

 

[joflier]

I think its rude. But I guess it could really depend on the dynamics of the relationship. I know of a couple friends that could say something like that and totally get away with it.

 

[JulieN]

But maybe the paying guy had a debt to the other guy.

 

[Elmorton]

There was a thread awhile back about who pays for dinner - and in my circle, you divide the check (as in, everyone pays for what they ordered) - so it wouldn''t be rude at all to order whatever the heck you want.

But yes, I was always taught that if someone is taking you to dinner, you ask their opinion of what to order and then order your meal accordingly.

 

[fieryred33143]

He was probably joking DF. My friends and I have done that before. I had a friend tell me "well since you''re paying I think I''ll have the filet mignon stuffed with lobster, better make it two

"

 

[Kaleigh]

I too would venture to say the guy was just kidding his friend. But let's say he wasn't.... Yes to order the most expensive entree, would be OTT.

But then again, is this a business dinner, that can go to the expense account?? Too bad, I didn't get invited.

 

[mayachel]

I think it also depends if one would order the dish regardless of who is paying for it. When I was dating, i would never order something more than I was comfortable shelling out for in the event I was asked to contribute to the bill.

 

[Dancing Fire]

it would consider rude in the chinese culture.

 

[FrekeChild]

Hey may have been joking. My dad and his friends mess around like that all of the time.

If I''m going out the eat and someone else is paying, I''m going to see what they are getting and order something the same price or cheaper.

 

[LaraOnline]

Date: 3/15/2009 1:43:21 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
it would consider rude in the chinese culture.

I think it is considered rude, and I''m from Aussie outback ''culture'' haha

but maybe we''ll give the guy the benefit of the doubt, and say perhaps he was joking.

Or perhaps it was a business meeting, where the payng guy had a lot of stuff to apologize for...

Or, it could be a business meeting in which the guy was planning to have him zipped up in a body bag by the end of the night... could be a line from a movie, couldn''t it, with the two baddies meeting in an Italian restaurant...

 

[bee*]

I hope he was joking! I would consider that to be rude and if you were going to do that, I doubt that you''d announce it beforehand.

 

[Tuckins1]

Yes, I do think it''s in poor taste to do that. But, they might have that kind of relationship. Perhaps it''s kind of a ritual they have... I know that MY friends wouldn''t do that!!!

 

[phoenixgirl]

I bet it was a business dinner. DH goes to Morton's on other people's dimes but never on our own (if we wanted to spend that much money we usually wouldn't go to a chain). He always says Morton's makes all its money from business expense accounts.

So the point of the dinner was probably for the payer to butter up the payee, and the payee knew that he was supposed to be wined and dined. There's nothing wrong in that scenario except that I'm jealous that the most free food I ever get out of my job is a hotdog at the faculty cookout!


If it were just a normal friendship and the payer said he'd take his friend out, and his friend ran the bill up as high as possible, I would normally think that was in poor taste. But it could be a tradition where they take turns paying and the fun of it is getting whatever you want that you wouldn't normally get. We can't know the situation.


There were a couple of years when we were wined and dined by a close friend regularly. He was our neighbor in our condo, retired, with a girlfriend whose dementia was rapidly getting worse. He couldn't really leave his condo ever because she couldn't be left alone, so he hung out with us all the time. He was at home all day and would cook these delicious dinners and then invite us over; he wouldn't even let us bring over wine because $25 wine was "cooking wine" to him and he only drank $60-$100 bottles. Other times he would ask us out to dinner and tell us that he'd pay for the alcohol (obviously a bit part of his bill!) and we could pay for our dinner, but usually he'd slip DH $100 before we went so we rarely had to pay for much at all (this was especially if someone else was coming and he didn't want to be seen offering to pay for our meals but not the other guest's).

We were newlyweds and obviously couldn't afford $200 dinners every weekend. I believe that he would have felt bad if we were eating soup for dinner because we couldn't afford the type of meal he was getting, and he preferred to pay most of our way to get us to come out with them. I think it made him sad to spend time with friends from before his girlfriend deteriorated so much, so he leaned on us all the more. You never know what type of dynamic people have, and you have to hope that money is not always the most important thing between friends. I certainly enjoyed the fine meals our friend bought and cooked for us (he's since moved away), but I don't think there was ever any question that the gifts were without strings attached. In fact, one time he invited to take us out on DH's birthday, but we said, we're sorry, we have reservations at such and such place. I had saved a lot of money for the occasion so we could enjoy a nice dinner. Lo and behold, our friend showed up as we were having dessert, and when it was time for the check the waiter said, "The gentleman has taken care of it."

 

[phoenixgirl]

Date: 3/15/2009 1:43:21 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
it would consider rude in the chinese culture.

Can some business dinners not be considered a type of "guanxi"?

 

[zoebartlett]

I probably would have thought it was a joke. I wouldn''t do it, personally.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 3/15/2009 10:30:37 AM
Author: phoenixgirl

Date: 3/15/2009 1:43:21 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
it would consider rude in the chinese culture.

Can some business dinners not be considered a type of ''guanxi''?

 

[iheartscience]

I bet he was joking...but if not it is pretty rude. If someone else is paying I definitely use the "order something similar to them" rule of thumb, even on business dinners.

 

[soocool]

I am sure it he was only joking! My Dh takes a lot of clients out to dinner and they joke all the time.

When we go out with friends sometimes we say the same thing jokingly, but usually offer to either pay for a bottle of wine or leave the tip to offset their expense. Many times they opt for us to buy the wine. The gesture is always reciprocated whenever we issue the invitation.

Among friends we find that we joke quite a bit, but for those who we find always accepting our dinner invitation and never issuing their own, we find it better to invite them for a home cooked meal/barbecue instead of taking them out to a restaurant.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

If I invite a friend out to dinner then I would expect them to order a meal that they wanted regardless of the price. Usually people joke about "ordering the most expensive things" but it honestly wouldn''t bother me if they did. If I''m taking you to a steak house, and you order a big, expensive piece of steak--I''m happy...that was the whole point of me picking that resturant. If I wanted you to eat for under $20.00 I''d take you to Applebees (hahah

)

 

[Haven]

This is why I don''t listen in on other peoples'' conversations. It''s so easy to misunderstand when you don''t know the context of the situation.

My guess would be that he was joking. And if he wasn''t, well, just be happy that he wasn''t your dinner guest!

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 3/15/2009 10:57:51 AM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 3/15/2009 10:30:37 AM
Author: phoenixgirl

Date: 3/15/2009 1:43:21 AM
Author: Dancing Fire
it would consider rude in the chinese culture.

Can some business dinners not be considered a type of ''guanxi''?

Ha ha DF, you don''t know quanxi? I am studying this at the moment, and yes phoenixgirl they would be for sure.

 

[makemepretty]

I was always taught that if someone takes you out to dinner you order an item less than or equal to what the cost of theirs is. NEVER more.

 

[AmberGretchen]

I deifinitely think its rude if you''re not joking, but to me, just the fact that he said it implies that there is some joke around that in the friendship...

 

[tlh]

It was probably a joke. At least I hope so, otherwise yes... VERY RUDE. Mortons though... YUM YUM!

 

[Bia]

Date: 3/15/2009 2:07:03 AM
Author: FrekeChild
Hey may have been joking. My dad and his friends mess around like that all of the time.

If I''m going out the eat and someone else is paying, I''m going to see what they are getting and order something the same price or cheaper.

I''ll usually do that as well.

BUT, if I am taking someone out, they order what they want...If I can''t afford it, then I don''t make the offer in the first place.

That''s one thing my parents instilled in me. If you don''t have money, you don''t go out. Period.

 

[meresal]

Yup, rude. FFIL owns a business and takes clients to dinner often. He took a client 5 yrs ago to an upscale steak house, and the man's wife ordered 2 deserts. FIL's still talk about it to this day. However, I definitely think that guy sitting near you was kidding.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/15/2009 11:33:10 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
If I invite a friend out to dinner then I would expect them to order a meal that they wanted regardless of the price. Usually people joke about ''ordering the most expensive things'' but it honestly wouldn''t bother me if they did. If I''m taking you to a steak house, and you order a big, expensive piece of steak--I''m happy...that was the whole point of me picking that resturant. If I wanted you to eat for under $20.00 I''d take you to Applebees (hahah

)

I agree. My friends and I treat each other all the time. We rarely split bills (that''s just uncomfortable in my culture, but I do split bills with a few caucasian friends).

I totally am not fussed if they order what they want. In fact, I often encourage them to order all sorts of things and order a nice bottle of wine. I would be mortified if my friends didn''t order what they wanted because I''m paying.

When they pay, I order what I want as well. It''s usually not the most expensive thing on the menu, but I don''t really pay that much attention to price.

Now, this is only with my friends. In a business dinner, I always actually err on the conservative side and get something reasonable and a cheaper glass of wine. Just because it''s company money, I don''t think that people should gorge themselves. I''ve taken many business clients out and it does kind of bug me that they go nuts because they know my company is paying. I try to be more responsible with my company money than my own - and I''m pretty responsible with my own!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

As far as business goes...I encourage people to order whatever they like...and I feel that most people have an inner compass that says I won''t order anything I normally wouldn''t. I always try to order nice bottles of wine for the table, various appetizers and desserts to loosen people up and show that it''s okay to eat!

My husband goes to business dinners all the time...weither he''s the guest or the host, he usually gauges what he orders by what he''d order if we were eatting out.

 

[Diamond*Dana]

Date: 3/14/2009 9:53:17 PM
Author: joflier
I think its rude. But I guess it could really depend on the dynamics of the relationship. I know of a couple friends that could say something like that and totally get away with it.

I agree...I would say this to a few of my friends and they would know that I was only kidding. I would never say this to anyone and MEAN it...that would be rude!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/16/2009 2:26:19 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
As far as business goes...I encourage people to order whatever they like...and I feel that most people have an inner compass that says I won''t order anything I normally wouldn''t. I always try to order nice bottles of wine for the table, various appetizers and desserts to loosen people up and show that it''s okay to eat!

My husband goes to business dinners all the time...weither he''s the guest or the host, he usually gauges what he orders by what he''d order if we were eatting out.

I used to encourage, and still am very easy going about it. It doesn''t bother me if people order a nice, pricier meal. It''s the going nuts part that bothers me. Fortunately, I''ve only experienced it once or twice in the last 13 year (meaning when I''ve taken a few people out on my company dime). But I''ve seen it happen quite a few times when someone else is paying, or when there are a few of us vendors splitting the bill. It''s usually the alcohol that''s abused.