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To be or not to be...a parent???

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lumpkin

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Date: 4/10/2007 1:19:41 AM
Author: Mara
I already posted my thoughts in the other thread (WWT) but we are torn on having kids. Greg is 39 this August and I am 32. So we have a few more years to figure things out, but really sometimes we both go ''Hmmm do we really want to embark on this?'' and WHY? I often think about Why. Because we want to have a child or because it seems like what you are supposed to do? Because our parents are dying for grandkids? Because people keep asking us when we are having kids?

We really often remark on how we love our lives the way they are now...we can do whatever we want but we also sometimes wonder...is there supposed to be more to our lives? I have seen how people do change when they have kids, and how other things become so less important...so sometimes it does seem selfish to me to not want to have kids because we like our lifestyles. But on the other hand why do people have kids nowadays? It''s not the same as our parents generation when they just did and then thought about it later and kind of made up the rules as they went along. I said in the other thread that our generation is almost TOO educated on the positives and negatives of parenthood and child-rearing and it can make it really hard to say YES I want to sign up for that because it is really scary to me...to have a human being you are totally responsible for...to raise them and be the best parents possible, there are no guarantees on their health or even how they turn out even though you may put heart and soul into raising them. But then we also think gosh it would be so amazing to have this small person that is part me and part him and see how they will turn out. What will they look like, how will they act?

So yeah we think about all the things that have been mentioned here and I also talk about it with other girlfriends and we talk about it with other couples too...couples our age or getting there kinda thing. One other thing we think about is that we''ll be ''older'' parents which will not be unheard of in today''s day and age as it seems so many have their kids older, but will we be cheating the children somehow by not being the young spring chickens we once were....and what about our retirement. We''d be potentially sending the kids off to college as we should be thinking of retirement. We are starting late so we have all of these things to think about. And sometimes you just wish...gosh why do I have to make an actual DECISION. And that''s when you realize you might be overthinking it. lol!
This is pretty much where I was at your age, Mara. It is a very scary time to raise children. When I was a teenager, you could smoke pot, get pregnant, and drink. Not that that isn''t scary, but now there''s violence in schools, drugs that completely mess a kid up with just one use, STDs that cannot be cured, Internet preditors, and a myriad of things that were no concern when I was growing up.

Also, I was a latch key kid. I vowed that my children would not come home to an empty house. We used to have so much money. OMG! Want a new car just because we''re bored with the one we had? Shoot, go trade it. Want a $100 pair of jeans? Go for it! And we still had money to save. I worked and we had only our house payment and car payments. When we had our first child, it was fairly easy to be a stay at home mom. We had our second child and then 9-11. We lost money in the stock market. Not to mention the horror of what happened. The world has forever changed. The USA has lost its innocence, we now know we are targets, and that the threat of terrorism is constantly with us. And even if all that had not happened, kids are expensive, and now we live on one income.

But still, I would not trade my children. My main worry is what will be left of the world for them when we are gone and they have their own families. It is a very daunting choice, and I''m really glad that I am not at the point where I''m considering more kids.
 

ljmorgan

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Just to provide some perspective (as an international politics person), don''t worry so much about not having kids because the world seems like it is in dire straits. I swear to you, people felt the same way for a long time during the cold war, afraid children would grow up in a nuked world. Who wanted to have children also when they were doing nuclear drills?

Before that, there was World War 2... World War 1... many wars where Americans have not felt safe. Honestly, as far as massive destruction goes, the cold war was one of the scariest times. There has always been war, and there always will be war, and scary things will always happen. Don''t make choices out of fear! Times are not as bad as they seem.
 

KimberlyH

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Date: 4/13/2007 9:42:08 AM
Author: *Lindsey*
Just to provide some perspective (as an international politics person), don''t worry so much about not having kids because the world seems like it is in dire straits. I swear to you, people felt the same way for a long time during the cold war, afraid children would grow up in a nuked world. Who wanted to have children also when they were doing nuclear drills?

Before that, there was World War 2... World War 1... many wars where Americans have not felt safe. Honestly, as far as massive destruction goes, the cold war was one of the scariest times. There has always been war, and there always will be war, and scary things will always happen. Don''t make choices out of fear! Times are not as bad as they seem.
Lindsey I absolutely agree that times are no worse now than it waas during many other times during the history of the U.S., and the history of the world of course. We live in the opposite sort of world now, filled with excess and constant entertainment! But it is definitely a different sort of bad. I agree, it''s not the sole reason a person should base their decision to have/not have children on, but I think it''s socially irresponsible not to consider the sort of world one brings a child into and how they intend to help that child grow and thrive in that world.
 

divergrrl

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When teenagers became a real subgroup in the 60''s (and I can only surmise as I wasn''t born yet) can you imagine the fear and horror their parents felt when Rock n Roll came out and Elvis was shakin'' his pelvis all over?

Its all relative.

Diver
 

lumpkin

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Well, I grew up in the 70''s and 80''s, and I think it''s much more difficult to grow up now, and to be a parent, than it was then. I am basing that perspective on my own experiences within the time frame of my own life and what is going on within my own community -- not a world view or historical time line. From the latter perspective, I''m sure you''re right, Lindsey. And these are my opinions and experiences, not meant to influence anyone, just expressing my own thoughts in answer to the question.
1.gif
 

aljdewey

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Date: 4/14/2007 11:28:37 AM
Author: divergrrl
When teenagers became a real subgroup in the 60's (and I can only surmise as I wasn't born yet) can you imagine the fear and horror their parents felt when Rock n Roll came out and Elvis was shakin' his pelvis all over?

Its all relative.
I can imagine the fear, sure....

On the other hand, it's unlikely that they feared Elvis' shaking pelvis might have fatal effects on their kids. Sure, it might incite them to fool around a bit, but it wasn't preying on their daughters convincing them to meet a stranger in person, either....possibly never to return home.

It wasn't going to result in sending one's child to school and having to pick him up two hours later because the school was in lock-down when someone went on an armed rampage.

It *is* all relative.
 

lumpkin

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Date: 4/14/2007 3:38:56 PM
Author: aljdewey

Date: 4/14/2007 11:28:37 AM
Author: divergrrl
When teenagers became a real subgroup in the 60''s (and I can only surmise as I wasn''t born yet) can you imagine the fear and horror their parents felt when Rock n Roll came out and Elvis was shakin'' his pelvis all over?

Its all relative.
I can imagine the fear, sure....

On the other hand, it''s unlikely that they feared Elvis'' shaking pelvis might have fatal effects on their kids. Sure, it might incite them to fool around a bit, but it wasn''t preying on their daughters convincing them to meet a stranger in person, either....possibly never to return home.

It wasn''t going to result in sending one''s child to school and having to pick him up two hours later because the school was in lock-down when someone went on an armed rampage.

It *is* all relative.

We also live in sort of a time where anything goes. My friend whose boys are the same age as mine have had some very frank discussions about how we live in a time where you almost have to fear sexual preditors for your boys more than your girls, and considering that sexual preditors are usually male, this is just something our parents didn''t think about. There is even a group of people, NAMBLA, who are fighting to gain acceptance of pedophilia. I mean, honestly, things that would not have even entered our parents'' heads are legitimate fears in our times. The internet is wonderful, but it''s also made it possible for people who would never be able to mention anywhere their penchant for preying on children a place to gather in great numbers annonymously. And organize. Very, very scary to anyone who has children and hopes to ever have grandchildren.

Yes, I''m sure you could go back in history and find times where children were put to work at the age of 5, or used as slaves, etc., but not in the last 75 years in the US. And I don''t think the taboo of preying on children sexually has really been prevailant before, but how would we know? It was so taboo no one ever talked about it.

Let''s not even get into global warming or how the planet has twice as many people today as 1950 (or whatever date -- I really can''t remember but it has been within the last 100 years).

I sound very pessimistic in this post. I am sorry. I''m really not pessimistic, but I do look at things squarely and I am very aware of the threats to my children''s safety and well being. I really don''t think it''s as easy as it was when I was growing up.
 

poptart

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May 23, 2006
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I am sure that there are more scary things to worry about in our world today, but I think part of the reason we worry so MUCH is because of all the instant access we have to current events around the world. And don''t get me wrong, it is a good thing most of the time, but it definitely doesn''t help to calm our fears. Sexual predators are something that I also find very scary, but in response to Lumpkin''s post, I think that pedophilia has been around for a very long time, but now it is easier for these predators to find children because of the Internet. I mean, the Greeks had a system where a young boy would be cared for by an older man who was not his father (usually around the age of 13 I think) and this man would kind of be his mentor and guide. The boy would work with his teacher as an apprentice for a certain number of years, but there were many accounts of sexual interaction in these relationships and it was both expected and normal. I know this example is ancient, but I''m just trying to show that I think it has been around a lot longer than any of us would like to think about. But I had no idea there was a support group for people like this. I am not even sure how to grasp that concept to be quite honest!

And I don''t have kids yet, but I already worry about the world they are going to grow up in. It is terrifying to think that with the way our world and environment is headed, there may not be much left for them in 30 years or so. And we also still do have a form of slavery in the US which mainly shows up in human trafficking or forced labor. You can read about it on freetheslaves.net. There is a little blurb about it in the FAQ section. The media that we have now is good in the respect that it lets us know that these things are going on, but it sure does make it hard to sleep at night.

*M*
 
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