To be or not to be...a parent???

[musey]

Date: 4/10/2007 8:51:36 AM
Author: crown1
actually musey, retirement is coming at an earlier age. back in the day 65 was when most retired. that has changed in the last 10 years or so.

I have to apologize then, my assumption was based on personal experience and lecture from my family&society class last year, I didn't research to back it up

 

[firebirdgold]

I''m also 34, turning 35 in a few months. Shouldn''t I know by now if I want kids???

Really... Shouldn''t I??

I can''t get a consistant answer out of my DH either. He doesn''t like most children, and he doesn''t like noisy animals, but I think he''s always assumed he''d have kids eventually. He''s not quite 30 so he''s more focused on getting his career in good order.

We''ve pretty much agreed to wait at least a few years to decide on kids, when he''ll be around 33. He''s apparently under the happy delusion that it''s just as easy to get pregnant and have a kid at 40 as it is at 30.

Traveling girl, I like your idea. I think in a couple of years I''ll go off bc and if we have them, then we have them. Tossing the decision into fate''s hands has a certain appeal.

 

[poptart]

Another thing I was thinking about reading this thread in regards to kids and not knowing if you want them... I had to help take care of my baby cousin over the Christmas break. He''s about 2 but has had some pretty traumatic experiences in his life thus far, and during that time was not being cared for correctly by his parents, so my mom and I took him for a couple weeks while I was at home. And this kid is the typical boy. He climbs on EVERYTHING, he runs extremely fast, and he is so defiant because he has NEVER been disciplined correctly... and he''s quickly approaching 3, so the discipline really needs to start being put into action. So Christmas break was like extremely light parenting, although I did help take care of him and had to do most of the disciplining because he would climb on stuff and I had to get him down, calm him down, everything. But the weird thing was, after all the frustration and annoyance and anger because I felt like I couldn''t do it right... only about a day after his aunt came and got him to take care of him, I found that I missed him a lot. Even though most of the time we''d spent together I was chasing him so he wouldn''t hurt himself, etc. So in a weird way that kind of solidified everything for me. I know I don''t want kids NOW, but realize that I definitely want them in the future, even though they are a lot of work. And luckily my kids will be much better disciplined, so it won''t be as MUCH of an ordeal as this was!

*M*

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 4/10/2007 4:02:56 PM
Author: poptart
Another thing I was thinking about reading this thread in regards to kids and not knowing if you want them... I had to help take care of my baby cousin over the Christmas break. He''s about 2 but has had some pretty traumatic experiences in his life thus far, and during that time was not being cared for correctly by his parents, so my mom and I took him for a couple weeks while I was at home. And this kid is the typical boy. He climbs on EVERYTHING, he runs extremely fast, and he is so defiant because he has NEVER been disciplined correctly... and he''s quickly approaching 3, so the discipline really needs to start being put into action. So Christmas break was like extremely light parenting, although I did help take care of him and had to do most of the disciplining because he would climb on stuff and I had to get him down, calm him down, everything. But the weird thing was, after all the frustration and annoyance and anger because I felt like I couldn''t do it right... only about a day after his aunt came and got him to take care of him, I found that I missed him a lot. Even though most of the time we''d spent together I was chasing him so he wouldn''t hurt himself, etc. So in a weird way that kind of solidified everything for me. I know I don''t want kids NOW, but realize that I definitely want them in the future, even though they are a lot of work. And luckily my kids will be much better disciplined, so it won''t be as MUCH of an ordeal as this was!

*M*

That is so sweet. You sound like you would be a great mom. How is your baby cousin doing; I hope well.

 

[lovelylulu]

one of the most endearing things about my husband is the fact that he cannot wait to have children. he talks about it all the time. his own father passed away when he was just seven and i think that he really missed having that father figure there to teach and guide him into becoming an adult. because of his loss, he truly appreciates how much he''ll affect his own childrens'' lives. he''s going to be an amazing father. kind, loving, patient, fun.

i have always known that i wanted children. it''s never been a question for me of if, but rather when.

we''ve talked in depth about the financial, societal and emotional implications. i agree with many of the previous posters that we''re more informed about the decision, that the age at which many women begin having children is delayed more than it has been in the past and that i wonder/fear about the world my children will be inheriting. the decision, for me, is also complicated by the fact that i''m a professional still trying to figure out the right balance of mothering and career. it''s funny, i don''t even have children yet and i''ve been sort of roundly criticized by both sides --

1) people condemning the idea of me working and having children raised in daycare/nanny
2) fellow lawyers (mostly women who know they do not want children) irrate at the thought that i would give up my career to stay home with the kids

i find it mildly amusing, because i don''t think this is a black & white issue. it''s one of thoughtful compromise and again, this is why i feel so fortunate to have my husband. he is a true partner.

right now, we are thinking we''ll have children in the next couple of years. i''m nearly 29 and i do not want to wait too long. however, we''re both only two years out of school and are feverishly trying to rid ourselves (at least as much as we can) of our student loans, buy a house, etc. so that a baby enters a financially sound household.

 

[swingirl]

It seems when people focus on trying to decide kids or no kids they focus on the early years. Of course, babies and young children take a lot of time, discipline, love and money! But the little kid stage is pretty short. Teenagers are self-sufficiant (if you teach them to be) and young adults can be wonderful to have in your life. As an adult I used to love spending time with my parents. I enjoyed lunches and shopping trips with my mom and sailing with my dad. I know they enjoyed the time with me.

And now I love going places with my young adult kids. We eat out, visit museums, talk about politics, go to the movies. Even if the 0 to 18 years take more energy, don''t underestimate the value of 19 to the-rest-of-your-life years.

 

[justjulia]

Date: 4/10/2007 5:54:10 PM
Author: swingirl
It seems when people focus on trying to decide kids or no kids they focus on the early years. Of course, babies and young children take a lot of time, discipline, love and money! But the little kid stage is pretty short. Teenagers are self-sufficiant (if you teach them to be) and young adults can be wonderful to have in your life. As an adult I used to love spending time with my parents. I enjoyed lunches and shopping trips with my mom and sailing with my dad. I know they enjoyed the time with me.

And now I love going places with my young adult kids. We eat out, visit museums, talk about politics, go to the movies. Even if the 0 to 18 years take more energy, don''t underestimate the value of 19 to the-rest-of-your-life years.

I so agree with you swingirl. I''m really enjoying my young adults.

 

[Pandora II]

Oh dear... kids.. also 34 turning 35 in august.

Hmmm. I'm still waiting for the maternal fairy to clobber me.

FI was adamant that he didn't want kids, then he thought maybe - now he's almost raring to go.

I come from an insanely fertile family - my mother is one of four, she and her 2 sisters each have four. My sister has 2kids and none of them have tried to get pregnant for more than one month. The one and only time in my life I didn't use contraception - I was 21, at college - ex-bf had gone home for Spring holiday and came over as a surprise for 1 night. Bingo - pregnant and terrified.

I told my GP I was thinking about 2009 and he told me at my age to start trying now. I said, yeah right, I'll be back here next month to find out my due date. Sod's law will now dictate that FI is infertile or something.

I'm planning on getting all the ducks lined up, the school fees account up and running and then just shut my eyes and jump. I am worried about losing my hobby time and that I find screaming babies bring out my inner axe-murderer, but I am very patient and good with animals and maybe I just have to see babies as large kittens or something.

So the plan is wedding 07/08, honeymoon 11/08 and potentially a nice little Leo or Scorpio in 2009. (Got to avoid those Virgos and their insane tidiness lol)

 

[poptart]

Date: 4/10/2007 4:19:18 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 4/10/2007 4:02:56 PM

Author: poptart

Another thing I was thinking about reading this thread in regards to kids and not knowing if you want them... I had to help take care of my baby cousin over the Christmas break. He''s about 2 but has had some pretty traumatic experiences in his life thus far, and during that time was not being cared for correctly by his parents, so my mom and I took him for a couple weeks while I was at home. And this kid is the typical boy. He climbs on EVERYTHING, he runs extremely fast, and he is so defiant because he has NEVER been disciplined correctly... and he''s quickly approaching 3, so the discipline really needs to start being put into action. So Christmas break was like extremely light parenting, although I did help take care of him and had to do most of the disciplining because he would climb on stuff and I had to get him down, calm him down, everything. But the weird thing was, after all the frustration and annoyance and anger because I felt like I couldn''t do it right... only about a day after his aunt came and got him to take care of him, I found that I missed him a lot. Even though most of the time we''d spent together I was chasing him so he wouldn''t hurt himself, etc. So in a weird way that kind of solidified everything for me. I know I don''t want kids NOW, but realize that I definitely want them in the future, even though they are a lot of work. And luckily my kids will be much better disciplined, so it won''t be as MUCH of an ordeal as this was!


*M*

That is so sweet. You sound like you would be a great mom. How is your baby cousin doing; I hope well.

Oh thanks, that is so nice of you to say. Sometimes when I am doing random things around the house DH will look at me and say that, too, haha. It makes me feel good to know he has confidence like that. My baby cousin is ok, I am more protective of him than I''d like to be, and I think I know what''s best for him despite my age and lack of parenting. I can tell when someone is doing it wrong, for sure. He is doing fine physically, but he needs more emotional stability in his life because as of now he already has a LOT of anxiety for a little baby, and the worst part is that you can see it. It''s heartbreaking because he is so little and has just had lots of bad things inflicted upon him.

*M*

 

[Christa]

This thread reinforces what I always say: you have to have your kids when you are too young and clueless to know what you're getting into! As someone who had her first at 21, I'm only half kidding.

 

[poptart]

Date: 4/10/2007 7:59:50 PM
Author: Christa
This thread reinforces what I always say: you have to have your kids when you are too young and clueless to know what you''re getting into! As someone who had her first at 21, I''m only half kidding.

You''re going to be too young and too clueless to know what you''re getting into when it comes to anything in life. You won''t know the hardships until you''ve experienced it yourself, and hindsight is always 20/20.

*M*

 

[Christa]

Yep, we all figure things out as we go along. And the added benefit is that I''ll only be 45 when my youngest turns 18. Woo hoo!

 

[Kit]

Does anyone else here feel anxious about the financial burden of having children?

So, I''m 30, FI is 33. Lately it seems like everyone in my peer group (aged 30-37) is pg, having babies, etc. It''s freaking me out!

Sometimes I think, hey if they can do it I can do it. Like, I''ve accomplished everything else in my life that I''ve set my mind to, why not this? But then I''m not sure about the fiscal burdens. I''ve been working in nonprofits and just completed graduate school. I will double my salary upon graduation, which is great and helpful. FI works in a creative field and has spent years working up to this point where he is paid decently and has job stability. I feel like we are *just* at the point where we are no longer going to be struggling financially. And now we have to switch into baby prep mode? It just makes me feel bummed out. Most people our ages, with our level of education, are far more financially stable.

I don''t want to have to put all our extra earnings into education accounts, private school tuition, and child care. I want to reap the rewards of all our hard work, dammit!!

And, even with our 2 new salaries combined, we''re making just into the six figures. In the DC area, that''s really not that much money. We want to buy a townhouse or condo, pay down our loans, pay off our cars, pay for our wedding, pump up our retirement funds...ugh. It''s just overwhelming to think about adding another person''s needs into the mix. And let''s not even think about having to have me quit my job eventually to stay home with the kid. That would be a painful loss of salary for us. Methinks we''d be just barely squeezing by. No dinners out, no vacations, nothing fun.

I know, many women work while raising infants and babies, but I really don''t know how you all do it. None of you are probably reading this post, because you have zero time to do so! What happens when they baby is up at night, sick or fussy or whatever? You get little sleep and then have to drag your ass in to work the next day? No thank you. The evenings, you collect your baby and then head home for a few hours of making dinner, eating and putting the kid to bed? There just aren''t enough hours in the day IMHO.

It just seems like by us agreeing that we want kids, we would need to give up soooo much. I''m just waiting for the pros of having kids (which are somewhat abstract) to outweigh the pros of being financially stable and enjoying ourselves.

 

[poptart]

Date: 4/10/2007 9:15:09 PM
Author: Kit
Does anyone else here feel anxious about the financial burden of having children?


So, I''m 30, FI is 33. Lately it seems like everyone in my peer group (aged 30-37) is pg, having babies, etc. It''s freaking me out!

Sometimes I think, hey if they can do it I can do it. Like, I''ve accomplished everything else in my life that I''ve set my mind to, why not this? But then I''m not sure about the fiscal burdens. I''ve been working in nonprofits and just completed graduate school. I will double my salary upon graduation, which is great and helpful. FI works in a creative field and has spent years working up to this point where he is paid decently and has job stability. I feel like we are *just* at the point where we are no longer going to be struggling financially. And now we have to switch into baby prep mode? It just makes me feel bummed out. Most people our ages, with our level of education, are far more financially stable.


I don''t want to have to put all our extra earnings into education accounts, private school tuition, and child care. I want to reap the rewards of all our hard work, dammit!!

And, even with our 2 new salaries combined, we''re making just into the six figures. In the DC area, that''s really not that much money. We want to buy a townhouse or condo, pay down our loans, pay off our cars, pay for our wedding, pump up our retirement funds...ugh. It''s just overwhelming to think about adding another person''s needs into the mix. And let''s not even think about having to have me quit my job eventually to stay home with the kid. That would be a painful loss of salary for us. Methinks we''d be just barely squeezing by. No dinners out, no vacations, nothing fun.


I know, many women work while raising infants and babies, but I really don''t know how you all do it. None of you are probably reading this post, because you have zero time to do so! What happens when they baby is up at night, sick or fussy or whatever? You get little sleep and then have to drag your ass in to work the next day? No thank you. The evenings, you collect your baby and then head home for a few hours of making dinner, eating and putting the kid to bed? There just aren''t enough hours in the day IMHO.


It just seems like by us agreeing that we want kids, we would need to give up soooo much. I''m just waiting for the pros of having kids (which are somewhat abstract) to outweigh the pros of being financially stable and enjoying ourselves.

I understand what you mean about the financial burden of children. We aren''t even entertaining the option of having kids for at least another six years, and we''ll see where we are financially at that point. But many people have said in the past, and I think it''s true, that you really aren''t ever going to have enough money because there are always unforeseen expenses, prices go up, etc.

As for weighing the pros and cons, I feel like the pros of having a child(ren) is more about emotional fulfillment than anything else. It is not comparable to having money or being able to travel. Those are concrete and tangible events, but the love and care you feel for a child isn''t really something you can just put on a list, you know? Maybe I''m totally off base because I''ve never had kids, but that''s just how I see it.

*M*

 

[Kit]

You know, Poptart, I totally know what you are saying about the emotional fulfillment. But lately I''ve been thinking, do people want kids so that they can be emotionally fulfulled? Or so they can have the privilege of raising another human being and shaping their life? Because, to be honest, right now I can only really get on board with the former, but I feel that only the latter is a proper justification for having a child. I''m not sure when I''m going to get a strong urge to raise another human solely for the sake of raising them...it hasn''t really come yet...and tick tock, tick tock!!

 

[poptart]

Date: 4/10/2007 9:28:59 PM
Author: Kit
You know, Poptart, I totally know what you are saying about the emotional fulfillment. But lately I''ve been thinking, do people want kids so that they can be emotionally fulfulled? Or so they can have the privilege of raising another human being and shaping their life? Because, to be honest, right now I can only really get on board with the former, but I feel that only the latter is a proper justification for having a child. I''m not sure when I''m going to get a strong urge to raise another human solely for the sake of raising them...it hasn''t really come yet...and tick tock, tick tock!!

No, that''s not what I meant. It''s like you weren''t aware that you even had a void in your life until you have the child and realize that your life is better than you ever thought it could be. I guess I can''t express it properly. I''ve just always known I want children... but I can''t explain why. I just do. It''s not like I need them to fill an emptiness in my life because I don''t feel like I have an emptiness. It''s just this THING in the back of my mind that is important. I''m rambling... and I''m even doing that terribly!! It''s just one of those nights, I guess! Sorry. I swear this post started out making sense. Somehow it just got off its leash, lol!

*M*

 

[Kaleigh]

I knew from day one I wanted kids. From the life I had growing up, I probably could have gone the other way. Lots of dysfunction and abuse. I respect anyone that decides not to have kids, just as I respect those that do decide to have them. I was informed when I had mine, more so than people would have thought considering the age that I had them 26 and 28. I think with my life experiences I was well equipted to say, this is what I want, and am on board with it. My husband lost his dad tragically at the age of 11. He knew he wanted kids, and wanted to be a great dad. Not to make up for his loss, but to just be a dad. We are blessed to have a daughter who is 19 and a son who is 17. They are a blast.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Having children was just something I always thought I'd do, so there was never any debate about whether to or not, it was just a matter of when. We had our first two in our 20's and that was enough for me. It kept me busy, we had a boy and a girl, and we decided my husband would get a vasectomy so that we wouldn't have any more kids. Fast forward to age 38 and I really felt compelled to adopt an orphan from another country. To make a long story short, we adopted a beautiful little girl from China at age 40. She has been a complete delight, and if only we had started younger, I would have loved to have adopted more! I still feel sick that there are thousands and thousands ofl these little babies in orphanages. So if anyone is concerned about health issues of having a baby later, or whatever, I really encourage you to consider offering your love to a baby who has no one to love them. I have a satisying job and nice life, but there has been no greater blessing in my life than that of having this child (in addition to our other two!).

 

[anchor31]

When I met FI he was only 21, not sure where he was going in life... But he was sure of one thing: he wanted 3 children, if possible the first before 30 (!). I was 17 at the time, not sure I wanted more than 2, and thinking about the fact that I'd have to get pregnant at 26 at the earliest for the "before 30" thing sounded very scary.

Now, 4 years later, since we intend to spend the rest of our lives together, the subject has come up quite a few times. I'm graduating next year and then we're getting married. FI would most probably be ready for kids right then, but unless I find a job right away (not sure about that one...), our financial situation just wouldn't allow for it. I want to take a year off from school, and then I'm thinking about doing a teaching certificate, which is just one year. We're hoping to buy a house once I'm done and we've started to plan accordingly. Once I get a job, we'll probably start trying to conceive. We know things may turn out differently, but that's what we're aiming for.

I have three friends who are pregnant and one who had a baby last year (they are all 25 or older), and I'm feeling very "clucky", and FI talks about babies pretty often. I swear I've never seen a guy who coos over babies like he does. Waiting another 5-ish years for me to get a career before trying to conceive will probably be difficult for both of us at times, but we know it's the best thing to do. I suggested that maybe I could wait until after we had the kids to go back to school and doing contract work until then, but he insisted that my education had to come first, and then we'd think about kids. Which is definitely the most reasonable thing to do.

So yes, we are definitely going to have children. 3 is our magic number... We'll see what happens!

 

[Christa]

Yes, having kids costs money, but it doesn''t have to cost the ridiculous numbers that are brought out once a year or so (the hundreds of thousands "they" say it costs to raise a child). It''s all about priorities, really--I have always stayed home with our kids, and once they were school age we decided to "try" homeschooling . . . well, fast-forward to now, and we are still homeschooling (love it!) and commited to finishing the job (for me that means keeping them at home through at least middle school, which is 5 more years). That means that a big house, expensive vacations, new cars and dinners out are not our priority (diamonds, now, that''s another story

). Eventually I''ll go back to work and we''ll have more breathing room, but at this point in our lives that''s the trade-off we''ve chosen.

Which is not to say that our choice is the one everyone should make--in fact I wish more people would think about the sacrifices required before they pop kids out--just that it''s totally doable. But not easy.

 

[divergrrl]

Date: 4/10/2007 1:19:41 AM
Author: Mara
I already posted my thoughts in the other thread (WWT) but we are torn on having kids. Greg is 39 this August and I am 32. So we have a few more years to figure things out, but really sometimes we both go ''Hmmm do we really want to embark on this?'' and WHY? I often think about Why. Because we want to have a child or because it seems like what you are supposed to do? Because our parents are dying for grandkids? Because people keep asking us when we are having kids?

We really often remark on how we love our lives the way they are now...we can do whatever we want but we also sometimes wonder...is there supposed to be more to our lives? I have seen how people do change when they have kids, and how other things become so less important...so sometimes it does seem selfish to me to not want to have kids because we like our lifestyles. But on the other hand why do people have kids nowadays? It''s not the same as our parents generation when they just did and then thought about it later and kind of made up the rules as they went along. I said in the other thread that our generation is almost TOO educated on the positives and negatives of parenthood and child-rearing and it can make it really hard to say YES I want to sign up for that because it is really scary to me...to have a human being you are totally responsible for...to raise them and be the best parents possible, there are no guarantees on their health or even how they turn out even though you may put heart and soul into raising them. But then we also think gosh it would be so amazing to have this small person that is part me and part him and see how they will turn out. What will they look like, how will they act?

So yeah we think about all the things that have been mentioned here and I also talk about it with other girlfriends and we talk about it with other couples too...couples our age or getting there kinda thing. One other thing we think about is that we''ll be ''older'' parents which will not be unheard of in today''s day and age as it seems so many have their kids older, but will we be cheating the children somehow by not being the young spring chickens we once were....and what about our retirement. We''d be potentially sending the kids off to college as we should be thinking of retirement. We are starting late so we have all of these things to think about. And sometimes you just wish...gosh why do I have to make an actual DECISION. And that''s when you realize you might be overthinking it. lol!

Mara: Why? No "one-fits-all" reason...but for me, it was because my husband wanted a child. (and when I met him, I understood why people wanted kids...here was this GREAT guy, we make such a fabulous team, our love for each other...so deep.. I realized we could offer a child so much--so I agreed to just one kiddo) Before I met DH I NEVER wanted kids. I wanted the professional husband, my own important corporate job, the loft in the city, the traveling, the dinners out, the culture & social life. I could have very well been happy with that forever.

Or so I thought.

I was 34 when I had Jake. On route to the hospital (me in labor of course) I was STILL in denial that I wanted to be a parent. I told DH that I didn''t think I was cut out for motherhood, and that I changed my mind. A whole lot I could do about it right?

Well....lo and behold...motherhood...greatest thing ever and totally hit me out of left field.

I hated kids screaming and tantruming...snotty noses and the like. Funny though, with my own child, I understand tantrums are an important developmental milestone and I deal with them pretty easily. I still don''t care for other people''s children... LOL...I''m so bad.

Now I''m pregnant with #2 (how the heck did I get hornschwaggled into that one? sheesh! I''m easy!!) and I was soooo in denial about this baby until yesterday. I saw her (yes....her!!!) on an ultrasound before a very bad amnio (ughhh...things horror flicks are made of...really bad doctor) and I spent all night last night sobbing, terrified I was going to lose my baby girl.

Well there ya go. I''m a mom of 2 now and I''m no longer scared.

Really...there is nothing wrong with having 0, 1, 2, or 5 children, as long as you are being true to your heart and self.

The real reason I was reluctant to have kids is because my own relationship with my mother stinks and I thought I''d be just like her. So if you are on the fence only because of fear (whether its of losing your freedom, being a bad parent, having hard kids), its never as bad as you think. In fact its better. And really, they are little for like....5 seconds, so it''s gone in a flash.

But its ok to be childless...no one is selfish for making that decision. And no one is selfish for only having 1 kid. Quite frankly its nobody''s business what size your family is, or if your kids are covered in fur and have 4 legs.

TravelingGal: That was the tact that DH and I took. I''ll be 37 when I deliver this baby in Sept. Be careful...LOL...I get pregnant when my husband sneezes...we call him Mr. One Shot.

Divergrrl...

 

[Mara]

lol Christa I kind of agree with you on the whole better when younger thing. I know some people think it''s better to be older...so i think it''s just whatever floats people''s boat...but sometimes I think gosh if we were younger we might not overthink it quite so much! Our parents just did it and figured it out as they went. hehee. But we also didn''t meet when we were younger so that wouldn''t have worked for. So many people meet their mates later in life than they used to which I also think is contributing to more and more people questioning having kids especially as they start to get older. Kinda interesting overall.

 

[Christa]

Very well said, Divergrrl! I think I agree with everything you said . . . lemme check . . . yep, everything.

It's been said so much it's almost a cliche, but it's really true that it's different with your own kids--for those who worry that they won't be good parents because their niece/friend's kid/random kid at the store makes you want to scream, seriously: you can cross that worry off your list. I taught preschool before I had my first, and I was worried about this one, too.

 

[diamondfan]

I agree, but I always loved any baby I saw (well almost) and found most kids appealing in some way, except the really terrible ones, and even then I tended to think it was the parenting. Though I have met one or two bad seed kids that freaked me out (Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son type scary)...but never doubted I would love my own. Now, that said, I have a 14 year old moody hormone parade doing encores daily chez moi, and I AM NOT liking most of what he is doing right about now... but we have a good open dialogue most of the time and this too shall pass, as my mom says, it is part of adolescence and how they start to pull away from you, sniff sniff. My mother also tells me I was MUCH worse, a total snot and a little b*itch at times, and that I should count myself lucky because she did the mom curse thing on me and he is not as bad to me as I was to her! But anyway, I think, no matter what and how and why you did decide to take the plunge, it is a rare person who really just does not love their baby . I am not saying there is not post partum stuff that can happen, or that a mom might not feel that bond immediately, but nature has a way of making it all work out. Again, hopefully way more the exception than the norm in terms of a woman giving birth and just not connecting to her baby. But I am not telling anyone who is certain or pretty decided AGAINST having kids to go ahead. Not at all, just that sometimes, a woman or couple might fear that, for a variety of reasons they would not be good parents, and end up pregnant and having a baby and all is well. Those fear and worries are different also from just simly not wanting kids.

 

[gailrmv]

DH and I are still figuring out our plans in this department as well. I am not a person who always planned on having kids. I didn''t give it much thought when I was younger; I only thought about my education and career and hoped to get married some day. Fast forward to now - we both tihink we would be excellent parents and are mature enough to do so, but we see the pros and cons of having kids. I think we could probably be happy either way. When it gets right down to it, we''re both pretty sure we want kids in our future but not yet. We look forward to some more time for "just us" first - lots of traveling and such that we want to do. The thing I worry about most is giving up freedom and flexibility - I don''t even have as much as I want now, without kids - and being able to have time to myself and as a couple. Sure, there are babysitters and such, but you lose that sponteneity that we take for granted now. A lot of our friends are having children now and although we don''t think the time is right for us, it has gotten us thinking about it more.

Divergrrl, thanks for sharing your story. I can really relate to it (especially the "before" part) and I am so glad that you are so happy being a mom. I hope that if I take the plunge, I will feel the same way!

 

[divergrrl]

Gail: Thanks...I always felt "weird" and out of place because i never wanted kids. My friends don''t understand & I''m sure the one who struggles the hardest with heartbreakingly frustrating infertility issues finds it ironic that the one of us who "could have cared less" gets prego in a sneeze yet she can''t get pregnant to save her life. Life is weird. (and will take you in odd places)

The thing I like about the posters on this thread is that y''all are so honest & you make me feel really good about myself in knowing that I''m not the only one who has felt this way. I really thought I was one of the only women on earth who didn''t grow up wanting children. (yay...I''m not!)

night ladies..

Divergrrl

 

[Christa]

Date: 4/11/2007 12:48:45 AM
Author: diamondfan
I agree, but I always loved any baby I saw (well almost) and found most kids appealing in some way, except the really terrible ones, and even then I tended to think it was the parenting. Though I have met one or two bad seed kids that freaked me out (Macaulay Culkin in the Good Son type scary)...but never doubted I would love my own. Now, that said, I have a 14 year old moody hormone parade doing encores daily chez moi, and I AM NOT liking most of what he is doing right about now... but we have a good open dialogue most of the time and this too shall pass, as my mom says, it is part of adolescence and how they start to pull away from you, sniff sniff. My mother also tells me I was MUCH worse, a total snot and a little b*itch at times, and that I should count myself lucky because she did the mom curse thing on me and he is not as bad to me as I was to her! But anyway, I think, no matter what and how and why you did decide to take the plunge, it is a rare person who really just does not love their baby . I am not saying there is not post partum stuff that can happen, or that a mom might not feel that bond immediately, but nature has a way of making it all work out. Again, hopefully way more the exception than the norm in terms of a woman giving birth and just not connecting to her baby. But I am not telling anyone who is certain or pretty decided AGAINST having kids to go ahead. Not at all, just that sometimes, a woman or couple might fear that, for a variety of reasons they would not be good parents, and end up pregnant and having a baby and all is well. Those fear and worries are different also from just simly not wanting kids.

It''s amazing how this works, I think. My first was a bit preemie and spent two weeks in the NICU, and I remember feeling like there was something wrong with me because I didn''t feel that mommy bond with her at first--I didn''t even get to hold her for the first week, and then another week of not really being the mommy yet, but when we took her home and started our "real" parenting it all kicked in immediately.

Of course, now she''s 15 and some days I want to give her back . . .

 

[diamondfan]

I agree, nature has a way of helping it all out. If you are exhausted and the baby is not home and is in the hospital, it can take time for it all to kick in. My first was 6 weeks early and need dual hernia surgery at 9 weeks, hubby had SEVERE chicken pox and pneumonia, I was back and forth to the hospital and freaking out, and just felt overwhelmed and worn out. I loved him, but could not take joy in parenting at that point in time, I was barely functional...

when you find a place to take teenagers who are rude, let me know...maybe we can carpooll!!!!

 

[divergrrl]

DiamondFan: shhhhhhhh...don''t say teenager...you''ll scare them even worse!! LOL.

I think Bill Cosby said: "at age 13 aliens come and kidnap your child & give you this "thing" in its place and don''t return your original until 19" (or something to that effect).

now I know Mark Twain said:

"When I was 13, I thought my father was so stupid. By the time I turned 21, I was amazed at all he had learned in 8 years". Ha!!! So true.

Jeannine aka divergrrl

 

[lumpkin]

Date: 4/9/2007 1:41:50 PM
Author: amylikesrocks
Hi,
I did not read the other thread but did want to point out that even having kids young is no guarantee you will be around as your kids get older.

My husbands mother was just 20 when she gave birth to him and my husband was 16 when his mom died.

My dad had me at age 27 and my mom was 25 and I lost both my parents by the time I was 33.

I feel we both got kind of cheated! Our parents should both be around and in their 60''s now but all 3 died early.

My husband''s sister married a man 17 years her senior and my husband''s family was very upset thinking she would be a widow. She is not fighting for her life with stage 4 breast cancer.

You just never know what will happen.

I think a child is better off with a prepared parent who wants to be a parent. Better to become a parent at say 44 and be devoted to the child than to do it at 24 and not give the child what they need emotionally and meet their needs.

Well said.