Things are very difficult

[Diamond2009]

I posted about 6 weeks ago about having problems with my FI, I''m sorry I don''t know how to link the previous thread.

Things have been really up and down since then and it has felt like an emotional rollercoaster. I''m finding it hard to even write this post but I feel like I need to vent because I can''t talk to anyone about it.

He has started medication for depression which seems to be helping a little but things are still really shaky. His physican recommended seeking couselling but he has choosen not to follow that up as yet.

The proposed wedding date is comming up fast and I''m starting to panic about the preparation and more importantly our relationship. There have been a few dramas with some of the plans and I am starting to question everything.

Last week he did not kiss me, touch me, hug me for nearly five days. It was only that my mom called to tell me our family dog had passed away and I started crying that he came over and comforted me.

This past weekend was a very signifigant event and while he attended with my family he did not buy me a gift or even write in a greeting card to congratulate me. Other from my family and friendship group made a big fuss and brought beautiful gifts. I was really devastated not to even recieve a small gift to acknowledge my accomplishment.

We had a big discussion the day after and I told him that if I were an outsider looking into this relationship knowing his lack of loving actions, affection and attention I would assume one of two things, either he was cheating or passively agressively trying to get me to end the relationship for the both of us.

Of course he insisted that it was neither but I feel as though it is the second. I told him that I feel that he does not love me anymore and that all feeling for me have gone and that I cannot continue in a relationship with someone who is sort of interested.

It maybe a bit naieve on my part but I want someone who finds a reason to love me every single day.

When I asked him point blank whether he was in love with me, it took him minutes to answer. I told him that if he really felt like I was wrong in asking that question, he would have protested wildly that he loved me and I was mistaken.

He asked me to give him a second chance telling me that he could try harder and that his behaviour is a result of his stress.

To me it feels more like the the twelth chance ... I told him that I am unwilling to go into the new year feeling uncertain about our relationship and I wanted things sorted one way or another whether I leave or stay will be finalise by then.

I told him I will wait a little longer to give both of us the chance to think. Also I know it is wrong but I am unwilling to end the reltionship so close to Christmas.

I am finding it difficult to concentrate at work with the relationship problems. It is so heartbreaking to think that someone you love so deeply does not feel the same way, after seven years.

It is childish also, but I am embarrased just thinking about informing our family and friends that the relationship is over.

Im not really certain what the point of this post is, but I just feel so alone and confused.

 

[sunseeker101]

Hello there. I didn't see your original post so went back to have a look and saw this:



- nasty behaviour, seemingly for no reason
- inability to cope with stress and anxiety
- that I believe that he may have depression, have raised this concern with him a few times and he has been unwilling to seek help for his

- inability to communicate his feeling
- not communicating any problems in relationship then blowing up about them days or weeks later

- lack of time we have to spend together due to his work hours, his dislike for job and the impact his unhappiness was having on our relationship and the fact that he has choosen not to seek alternative employment.
- lack of appreciation for my hard work study, around home etc
- lack of appreciation for my dedication and commitment to the relationship
- lack of affection, romance etc.




I get the feeling that you're right on the money with the 'passive-aggressive' interpretation. Under-communication or none at all about issues that affect his feelings towards you signal a very self-involved bias and a lack of understanding of and concern for your experience and feelings. He allows the relationship to be spoiled and basically untrue by harboring silent resentment against you, and yet still professes love -- this sounds like emotional unavailability/retardedness to me. Do you ever feel like he really cares about/involves himself with your feelings? The list of what is lacking above reads like a tombstone for a relationship. Where is the love and romance if all of the above is missing? After all is said and done, do you feel loved and valued, safe and secure, sure of your suitability and of the love you'll share even into an unforeseeable future?

If the answer is no, could this state of affairs be temporary, were things ever really the way you wanted them, or was there always an excuse for the less-than-harmonious results in the relationship? Anyway, regardless of all this, life is way too short for the kind of misery you're describing above. The perfect music and dance partner is out there waiting, or maybe hidden in your man: your instincts will provide the answer for you, all you have to do is listen. The best of luck!

 

[monkeyprincess]

I''m so sorry. What you''re going through must be really hard. I have a friend who recently finalized her divorce from a man who sounds very similar to what you''re describing. She tried to fix him for 8 years (they married very young), and finally, they realized there was just no love between them. His depression and pessimistic outlook on life were very draining on her because she tried so hard to snap him out of it, and he just wasn''t willing to seek the counseling he needed to address the problems. The funny thing is that even he seemed happier after the divorce. The relationship was just too much work.

As on outside observer, and not knowing the whole situation, it sounds to me like you need to cancel/postpone the wedding at the very least. I''m sure that will be very painful, but honestly, you two are not ready to be married. I''m sure your friends and family will be supportive. They have probably observed his behaviours and are worried about you as well. Take care of yourself

 

[Porridge]

Oh I'm sorry diamond2009 what an awful situation.

Bear in mind that this is an anonymous online forum, I don't know the details of your situation, so this is based solely on what you posted and on my own personal experiences, so take the advice with a grain of salt, but:

1) things don't sound good. One of the wisest things I've heard is a quote from a frequent poster here and it is "when in doubt, don't". it is my experience that if it gets to the stage that you need to ask these questions, if you are searching the forums for similar experiences, if you are trying to discreetly fish for advice from friends etc...well the writing is on the wall. If you are feeling so rejected and you cannot talk to your fiancé about it, that is just not a good footing to begin a marriage on. Please consider at least postponing. It sounds like your FI needs to focus on himself as an individual before the relationship can be worked on. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM, and if you try you may destroy yourself in the process. And although I believe we should support our partners when they need it, his depression is not an excuse for treating you in such a way. On the subject of him wanting your support, his actions seem to be speaking louder than his words.

2) I know the feeling of worrying about embarrassment. I broke off my engagement 2 months ago. It's hard to think about facing the very people that you shared the excitement of an engagement with. It's harder still to admit to yourself that you may have mistake about someone you felt so sure about. BELIEVE ME, the fallout is not as bad as you may think. Those who care about you will only want you to be happy. People will recognise that you did a strong, brave thing. And lastly, people really don't give us as much thought as we generally believe. It will be forgotten about very quickly, and the focus moved to someone or something else. At the end of the day, it's nobodys business. Those who may judge...well, you really don't need to care about people like that do you? Doing something just to please others can only end badly.
There is something very empowering about doing what is best for you. It is worth the small period of possible embarrassment to save yourself from a lifetime of potential hurt. Also, a divorce is way harder and messier than ending an engagement!

There was wonderful advice above about giving real thought to whether the relationship was was really that good before, or are you remembering your hopes for it. Do you find yourself consantly waiting until the next hurdle passes, thinking things will be great when we just get past this little problem or task?

Trust your gut.

{hugs}

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Only you know what''s right for you. It''s hard to give up on something you''ve invested so much time, energy and emotion into. I''m a believer in intuition. Trust your gut.

 

[AustenNut]

Date: 12/22/2009 6:25:33 AM
Author: monkeyprincess

As on outside observer, and not knowing the whole situation, it sounds to me like you need to cancel/postpone the wedding at the very least. I''m sure that will be very painful, but honestly, you two are not ready to be married. I''m sure your friends and family will be supportive. They have probably observed his behaviours and are worried about you as well. Take care of yourself

Ditto monkeyprincess.

Unfortunately I don''t have time to post right now (am late for work!) but wanted to link to the previous thread for anyone who needs it.

 

[Winks_Elf]

First of all, (((((BIG HUG!)))))

Second, keep in mind that the stress of the holidays can exacerbate negative feelings and bring out the worst in anyone. However, if you are having these thoughts now, you seriously need to postpone the wedding until these things are sorted out.

A wedding is just a day...granted the first day of your marriage, but the marriage should be for a lifetime. Do you really believe that you can spend the rest of your life with a man who is making you question his love and devotion this close to the wedding? If the answer is no, or if you have any doubts, postpone the wedding. Go to couple''s counseling. If he''s not willing, then you have no choice but to cancel the wedding. As hard as it would be, and as much time and planning that has gone into the wedding to this point, it''s better to do this now than to wind up divorced later on.

I wish you all the best, and hope you two can get this sorted out.

 

[Blackpaw]

Im so so sorry diamond 2009. It must be so tough, what you''re dealing with...

Just remember that all the friends and family that were there for you to celebrate your big accomplishment will be there to help you heal.

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} lots of them for you...

 

[LilyKat]

I''m so sorry, what an awful situation. I haven''t gone back to read your old post, so forgive me if you''ve already answered this, but is his lack of showing affection/interest new (and so possibly related to his depression), or an ongoing problem for him?

It sounds like postponing the wedding would be a good idea. Making a lifetime commitment to someone you''re just not sure about would be a DISASTER. Take that pressure off yourself and give you and your fiance time and space to evaluate. Don''t be ashamed or embarrassed - many, many people call off or postpone their weddings - you certainly wouldn''t be the first, and your family and friends would understand if you were honest with them.

If it has been a good relationship up to now, and he is clinically depressed, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and a bit more time. A common symptom of depression is lack of motivation. When he didn''t hug or kiss you for the five days, did you make the first move in hugging or kissing him? Did you remind him of your special occasion and ask him to get you something to celebrate? I know, in the normal course of a relationship these things shouldn''t need spelling out - but it may be that you have to take the lead until he is better, and be explicit about your needs and wants.

If he has always been the type to withhold affection, and this isn''t something you can compromise on... that''s a different story and I would strongly encourage you to think hard about what you want for the rest of your life.

 

[luckynumber]

honey, the writing is on the wall.

you know that to go through this wedding now would be WRONG.

you guys need counselling for sure. at the very least.

postpone or cancelthe wedding, you cannot keep going like this, it is making you miserable and that misery is palpable even through the internet.

HUGS.

Be brave.

 

[Jessie702]

I am so sorry Hon, but i think what you said is right. You dont want to go into the New Year, feeling like you do. That would be horrid. I agree with him wanting you to end it. All i can tell you is to follow your heart and do what you think is the best. Be strong hon, things will work out the way they should.

 

[purrfectpear]

There is no relationship to save. There are just two people going through the motions after many years. If you go through with this marriage you are dooming yourself to epic unhappiness. Get your finances together, make a plan, and move on.

 

[HopeDream]

Hugs Diamond2009!

You''ve already recieved good advice here
I think you already know in your heart what''s right for you.
Take good care of yourself - you are a strong, intelligent, nurturing woman - any man in the world would be lucky to have you.

I hope the best for you.

 

[jewelz617]

It sounds like he''s done with the relationship, but doesn''t want to be the bad guy who breaks your heart. My advice, holiday or not, move on. 7 years is too long an investment to be dealing with a guy who doesn''t make you a priority anymore.

 

[Treasure43]

I hate to be harsh but relationships shouldn''t be this much work. I''ve been in many relationships before I met my FI that were full of drama and complications. Not to say that FI are fully smooth sailing (there''s always things here and there) but in general our relationship is easy, fun, and committed. He is very accepting of me and all my flaws and I love him more than words can say. Anyway, my point is, that it seems like it is getting very difficult for you two to be together. You feel miserable and feel like he wants to end the relationship and he doesn''t seems to be helping the situation. I''d have a serious conversation with him and suggest couples counseling and if he says no then I''d let him know that I couldn''t be in the relationship anymore without him fully committing to working out any issues you may have. Just my personal opinon. Life is too short to be in a relationship where you''re not completely happy. You deserve more!

 

[Diamond2009]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful and personal replies.

This week has not been great so far either. Only two days after our talking seriously about our future, he is still being behaving in a way that hurts me.

His mother is in hospital and when I went to visit the other day, she had a list of thing that needed to be done for the wedding (she is aware of the problems and is the one who help me get him to the doctor for his depression).

After she finished she asked me how things were going and I just burst out crying. We ended up talking for a while and her recommendation was to cut my losses and leave him. She told me that I deserve better and that I shouldn''t put up with his behviour and that he is very selfish.

For those of you who asked, he has behaved liked this for a while, but in my opinion he has been depressed for at least two year and I have been asking him continiously to seek treatment and help. This is the one thing that makes me think that he could change his behaviour somewhat once the medication has really "kicked in" as such. Although when he saw the phsyican 3 or so weeks ago he was asked to make a choice about which provider he wanted for couselling (solo) and he has yet to do anything about it.


After my post 6 or 8 weeks ago I called up and made an appointment for couples counselling also, the first appointment I could get was this week. If I wanted an appointment out of work hours it would be late January. Seems like an exceeding long period of time to me.

I have decided that our relationship cannot go on and after Christmas I will sit down with him again and decided and talk and decide which action to take, call of wedding and stay together to work things out or move out and end the relationship

 

[Treasure43]

Good luck hun! I''m glad you''ve decided to take some sort of action. The fact that his own MOTHER would advise you to cut your losses and leave him is very telling.

 

[Pushin40]

I''m really sorry - ths sounds extremely painful and so awful to go through.

I agree with a lot of other posters that the wedding should be postponed, at the very least. Your relationshipd isn''t at the right stage to take it to the next level. Forever is a VERY long time......

One thing I do want to bring up, and you have mentioned it too, is the depression and his very new treatment with the medications. It does take a while to kick in. If you are going to talk to him again after Christmas, would you consider maybe suggesting counciling again? And if he won''t go to solo counciling, that is a message to you that he is not taking this illness serioulsy (let''s just solve the problem with a pill....) and that he needs to get to the root of what''s going on so he can better himself and your relationship. If he won''t go, then his Mom is right - he''s selfish.

Depression is very serious, it''s an illness, and personally if it were me I don''t think I would give up all that easily. He JUST started treatment - it could take 6 months and they may need to try different medications and doses. I''m an optimist and I would hope he''s on his way to recovery. Of coarse, with that being said, you need to protect yourself so he won''t be allowed to hurt you while he works throguthh is issues. But these are HIS issues and unfortunatly they are impacting your life, so naturally it hurts you. Do you have a solid foundation with this relationship from before, or has it always been rocky?

This is a tough one. If you do decide to stick it our for a while and see what happens, I suggest counseling FOR YOU so you have professioanl help tp support you in coping with the situation. They will help guide you throguth this.

I personally don''t have the mindset of "oh you deserve better than that, you are doing the right thing - walk away...." Unfortunatly, things are not perfect, people are not perfect, life is not that easy. Things are not always cut and dry.

If my Fiance suddenly came down with cancer, and turned into a raging lunatic while going though Chemo, I wouldn''t leave him because it made me feel bad. I would support him, understand him, and talk to someone myself so it didn''t totally kill me. This may be a bad example, but I''m trying to say depresson is an illness, its not that your boyfriend is just a jerk. Depression can be controlled. After that - he is what he is and only you know the "real" him.

Ultimately its up to you if you want to take a chance, and if you can de-personalize things while he gives treatment a chance.

Do you know what I mean?

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/23/2009 5:36:25 PM
Author: Treasure43
Good luck hun! I''m glad you''ve decided to take some sort of action. The fact that his own MOTHER would advise you to cut your losses and leave him is very telling.

I am inclined to agree.


((huge hugs to you.))

 

[tyty333]

Date: 12/24/2009 12:23:15 PM
Author: tlh

Date: 12/23/2009 5:36:25 PM
Author: Treasure43
Good luck hun! I'm glad you've decided to take some sort of action. The fact that his own MOTHER would advise you to cut your losses and leave him is very telling.

I am inclined to agree.


((huge hugs to you.))

Yep...sounds like his Mother is a wise women...HUGS

Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the pants to figure out if they dont do something that their life is going to hit
rock bottom. You doing whats right for you may be exactly what he needs. I actually think he needs to make himself a
top priority right now and get himself mentally healthy. This means putting the relationship on the back-burner for
as long as it takes to get him out of the depression. I think he needs counseling and if you plan on sticking it out with
him you also need couples counseling. Was he ever the type of man that you really want to spend your whole
life with? Did he just change when the depression set in? These are things you need to consider when deciding if
you want to stick around. 7 years is a long time to invest but if its not with the right man then its time to move on.

 

[ChloeTheGreat]

I''m sorry that you''re going through this, it sure does sound like times are tough.

As someone who has experienced clinical depression, I can tell you that deep down inside, he is probably having a hard time too. When I began my struggle with depression, I would not hug or kiss my (at the time) boyfriend. I was physically incapable. At this time, it is the depression you''re seeing and not really HIM. Again, I''m sorry you are experiencing this, but try to understand that he may not have control over it right now. Be strong and you both need one another''s shoulders to lean on. I wish you the best.

 

[pearlie]

Diamond, Honey, this is your life.

Nothing has changed, he is not willing. Even those with a disease, or chemical imbalance, recognize that they need treatment. He is not willing.

Do not be fearful or ashamed to tell your friends and family. You need them around you now.

It sounds as if you are currently living together, is this so? When you live with someone you lose your objectivity.

If you bestfriend was going thru this, what advice would you give her? Now go look in the mirror and tell your bestfriend what you think.

Holiday or no holiday, you know where your bootstraps are, now grab hold of them.


Be well

julie.

 

[Diamond2009]

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts and comments, especially pushin40, I had been thinking along those lines also.

We talked briefly yesterday and decided that we would start telling people that we have postponed the wedding indefinietly.

Offically that is our story to give us some time to talk and work out what is is that we both want without people interfering or interjecting with their opinion.

Practically we have a range of good reasons, including (the most important) his mothers health and her treatment being put back a few months due to her ill health. I think some relatives will not be suprised given her health concerns.

It will also be a relief to have people stop asking me about wedding plans.

We have started telling people via phone and it was not easy. One aunt asked a few to many questions and I nearly broke down crying.

We have decided to have a formal discussion about our relationship tomorrow. I am having a hard time waiting because I want this to be sorted as soon as possible. But I know that he always says that he has trouble thinking of what to say, so to accomodate this I have told him to pick a time and think about everything that he wants to say so he can be prepared.

I have been thinking non-stop of what my options are. What course of action to take ... is it the wrong/right decision?

I think I know what is the best decision, but it is certainly not the easiest and there are other practical concerns to deal with also.

I really think that I need to move out of our home and live by myself for a while and give our relationship some distance, but I don''t know if I have the courage to do it.

The hardest thing to reconsile is that the person you love (despite their faults) does not appear to feel the same way. The person you built a life with and had planned to be with forever and it is over ...

 

[LilyKat]

Diamond2009, I am glad you have decided to put the wedding on hold. That''s definitely wise.

As for what to do next, I hope your discussion with your SO allows you to make a plan for your immediate future. I do think living apart and giving yourself (and him) some space would be a good idea, both to allow him to heal from his depression, and for your own well-being. Focus on your own life for now. Don''t rush to make hasty decisions one way or the other if you''re not ready to do so.

 

[Winks_Elf]

You are making the right decision, however difficult it is.

(((BIG HUG!)))

 

[luckynumber]

another HUG for you.

you really are doing the right thing. if it works out, your future together will be much rosier.

if it doesn''t work it, it was never meant to be and you will find love with another.

 

[charbie]

DF2009-
I feel as tho you are writing my sister''s story. She went through almost this exact same situation about 6 months ago. She and her FI had been living together for about a year, when she moved out to finish her degree about 2 hrs away. They had been in a LDR for quite some time before moving in together, so it was not a new situation to them. However, her FI became very depressed, did not clean the house, did not do the dishes, and stopped paying bills. Pretty abnormal behavior for him. She came home after being away for 2 weeks and decided this was not the life she wanted to live.

They did not yet have a date for the wedding, so it got postponed indefinitely. Finally, after counseling and him beginning medication therapy, they are back on track and getting married next year. But he needed to realize that he was depressed, and going through therapy really helped them. They realized that they could not picture their lives apart, and would do what they needed to do. And now, well, they are more in love than ever, and actually quite cute again.


Obviously, tho, you need to do what is right for you. It sounds like your relationship really has taken a turn for the worse. And remember that you cannot change him, only love him for who he is. And you also need to be with someone who makes you happy every day, not someone you have to look after constantly and who depresses you.

Best of luck, and be strong!

 

[Blackpaw]

im sorry things are still at an impasse, diamond

i think you''re very strong to have been through what you have already, so dont doubt yourself if the time comes to move out...

more {{{HUGS}}}

 

[acebruin]

i think you''re making the right decision... if there''s a thought in the back of your mind that he might change after marriage, or you''ll be able to fix him, forget about it... you cannot fix him... he needs to change from the inside by himself... and there''s nothing worse than a bad marriage, it''s like hell on earth...

 

[Bella_mezzo]

Diamond2009, I''m sure this is a really difficult time for you. It takes a lot of strength and courage to post-pone or cancel a wedding and it sounds like this is a brave and wise decision to make in this situation.

Even if you go to counseling together (which I think is a great idea if you want to continue with the relationship) he still has to fix his issues. You can''t do that and couples counseling can''t do that.

My DH had to go through a really difficult time on his own (we were totally broken up after 8 years of dating) but he worked through some really dark and difficult things and became the man he always wanted to be but hadn''t been. I think he had to be on his own to work through those things.

It was also much better for me to work through the immense anger that I didn''t realize had been simmering beneath the surface and to get to know myself better (since we''d dated for so long).

I hope that whether you stay together and pursue counseling or break up and pursue your own paths that you can each grow from this experience.

(((HUGS)))