Teacher won't let son use the bathroom

[YadaYadaYada]

I try not to air my personal grievances here but with this I really need some help.

This is DS's second full week of school, he is in 6th grade, he has several teachers but the one we are having a problem with is his math teacher. Last week he told me he raised his hand to use the bathroom and she responded by saying "oh I thought you were raising your hand for something educational and you did not use the proper hand signal". WTH?! So then he waited a few moments and used the "proper signal" and she ignored him. He had to hold it for three more periods because the math class was four periods long, I believe a period is at least 20 minutes.

I went to the PTO meeting and asked if there were certain required hand signals and the teacher that was there said some teachers use them but they shouldn't be required and the principal was also taken aback. I thought maybe it was a one time thing and let it go.

Today he told me he raised his hand with the proper signal and she completely ignored him and he had to hold it for 40 minutes. She did let other kids go. When he told me this I told him the next time he has to go to just get up and leave and he said he would get written up and sent to the office, that's fine I said I would handle it if it came to that point. In the meantime I put a call into his doctor to see if I can get a note so that he can go when he needs to.

He just had a physical so it's not medical although we believe he has an immature bladder because he still wets the bed at night sometimes. This teacher really has me peeved but I'm afraid if I send an email it will be too emotional and then I don't want his whole year of math to suffer because we got off to a bad start but at the same time IMO she is way out of line.

 

[MarionC]

This is terrible, I would call it abuse.
That teacher sounds sick.

 

[Ally T]

She is definitely WAY out of order & I would be furious!! I would be arranging a meeting between yourselves, the Head & the teacher concerned. You need this straightening out & she needs to not see your son as a nuisance when he has bladder issues. She is there to nurture & support. I say go in blazing.....

 

[missy]

Ugh I agree with @Jimmianne. Definitely abusive behavior on the part the teacher towards your son. UNACCEPTABLE! I am so pissed for you and your son right now. Not having kids I dont know the proper channels you need to go through and I understand not wanting to get off on the wrong foot with this teacher but she seems sadistic and I am not sure there is a way to deal with her where she won't be vindictive. However having said that it is completely unacceptable and I would go over her head to the principal or whomever you feel is best to start with and explain what is going on...is there a school counselor you can talk with who can perhaps step in and make this situation better for your son? Sorry you guys are dealing with this and I hope it gets resolved to your satisfaction very soon.

 

[whitewave]

She is a psycho. I’d say report her, but that would likely set her off.

What I’d really do is request to sit in on the class along with the principal.

You do need to put a call in for her though.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@Jimmianne, @Alex T, @missy, thanks for weighing in, believe me I am really very upset, this is part of the reason I'm not reaching out right now, trying to get my thoughts together and have a plan to fix this.

It seems she has a God complex and is acting passive aggressively towards DS for some reason. So right now I am waiting to hear back from the doctor, in an ideal world I can get a note from them and give it to the school, that way if he is denied again now it becomes a legal issue. I should have known when she essentially berated him for asking to go the first time there was going to be problems.

He was at a magnet school since K and this was never a problem so even if he does have an immature bladder how is it that we didn't have an issue with the bathroom all these years and none of his other teachers have had an issue of him asking, just this one woman. Ugh!

 

[YadaYadaYada]

@whitewave, I saw your response after I posted, we will absolutely be handling this, there is no way this is going on all year or even the rest of the week.

 

[Rockdiamond]

OMG- that's horrible and I feel for your son!
I have so much respect for teachers in general- it's a tough job.
But this sounds so far beyond acceptable.....

 

[whitewave]

You do need to have his bladder ultrasounded by a urologist. We did that for my son when he was in 2nd grade and still having occasional accidents.

He had a slow to develop bladder with no anatomical issues. Nothing could be fixed: it was a matter of waiting. Plus he sleeps super deeply..

I taught 6-8 grade for 4 years and grades 9-12 for 4 years. Some teachers are flat out mentally ill.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

You definitely need to set up a conference with the teacher and very nicely explain that he has some bladder issues and to please allow him to go to the restroom. See how she reacts. I'd always try to go to the teacher in the least hostile way before having to involve the prinicipal. (This is coming from a former teacher and parent.)

But as a parent, I'd also be asking him about his schedule and can he go to the restroom right before his class if he is finding he needs to go during that class (or any class) often.

 

[Austina]

Definitely NOT acceptable in any way, shape or form @StephanieLynn .

She is singling out your son for whatever reason and it shouldn’t continue. Is she waiting for your son to wet himself, which will then cause more problems?

I’d go to the head of the school and tell them this is still happening, and it’s got to stop. She is acting in a very unprofessional manner, and the effect it could have on your son could cause serious long term repercussions. Sorry, don’t want to sound overly dramatic, but if your son has an accident, we know how cruel kids can be at times.

I had an issue with a teacher at my son’s school, and I went straight to the head to sort it out.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

Thanks @Rockdiamond, i always make a point to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, Lord knows they have a lot of kids to keep track of. This makes no sense from any angle I can think of.

@whitewave sounds like my son with the deep sleeping, he can Wet the bed and sleep right through it, my younger son who is four wakes up dry every morning. Whatever we need to do I'm game.

@diamondseeker2006, a conversation is definitely in order, totally agree there. I did ask about going between classes but he said that there is only 30 seconds between classes, lunch is half an hour but that includes time to get food and eat and I believe it's around 11:30 starting time is 7:50. If that had more time between classes this would be a non-issue.

@Austina, you don't sound dramatic at all and I agree she is singling him out. I don't know why (he is no angel but a good kid overall) and even so to punish him by making him sit in discomfort for 40 minutes or more is pure cruelty, my kid or anyone else's shouldn't go through that.

 

[whitewave]

@StephanieLynn I didn’t mean to sound bossy. I just mean it is perfectly acceptable to see a urologist just to be sure it’s a waiting game.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Wow, I have never heard of any school with 30 seconds between classes. That makes no sense to me. I am not sure how they can have no breaks other than the 30 minute lunch period. If he doesn't have a schedule with all the times on it, I'd call the office and ask for one. Be well prepared before you talk to either the teacher or the principal. Maybe even go ahead and ask for the doctor letter since he does still have the bedwetting issue.

 

[Trionacat]

As others have said this is not acceptable. Kids should feel safe and nurtured at school. Stand up for your child as I'm sure you are going to do.
How can this teacher do this? It makes me so angry, someone in a position of power carrying on like this ! Stay strong

 

[YadaYadaYada]

No not bossy at all @whitewave, it's helpful to hear from someone who went through the same sort of thing with their child.

@diamondseeker2006, I asked to see his schedule and it's not 30 seconds but one minute between classes, from what he says if you aren't in class by that bell you get sent to the office. Now I know they keep a very short leash on these kids in general because the principal said so at the PTO meeting. She is actually very nice and I believe when we speak to her that she will be compassionate and helpful, I hope! Tomorrow he has a four period math class (80 minutes) so I told him to try and use the bathroom in the class right before until we get this straightened out. Hopefully the doctor gets back to us tomorrow.

@Trionacat, thanks for the supportive words, we are absolutely going to fix this, it's very dissapointing that this is how his first year in our district school is starting.

 

[TooPatient]

Wow, I have never heard of any school with 30 seconds between classes. That makes no sense to me. I am not sure how they can have no breaks other than the 30 minute lunch period. If he doesn't have a schedule with all the times on it, I'd call the office and ask for one. Be well prepared before you talk to either the teacher or the principal. Maybe even go ahead and ask for the doctor letter since he does still have the bedwetting issue.

This. Definitely. Some schools even put them on the website. Get the schedule and a map of the school. You can even arrange with the principal to go walk his day so you k ow what is reasonable an what isn't.

Also check with him regarding breaks in long classes like that. For a class that long, she may give a break partway through and is expecting the kids to (mostly) use that.

 

[misslili]

Oh my gosh - so sorry your son is going through this. It must be so embarrassing for him to be raising his hand to go to the bathroom and just be ignored. I have been teaching for 15 years and this is just so ridiculously unacceptable. I agree that you do not want to be emotional in your response. I would compose an email asking what her procedures are for bathroom use and state that your child needs to be able to use the bathroom anytime he is asking for permission to do so. I would also maybe stretch the truth a little and say that you have been advised by your pediatrician that him holding it is not an option because there may be medical repercussions for that (infection, whatever). I'm sure your pediatrician will write a note saying that he needs to use the bathroom whenever he is asking permission to do so (and of course it is insane that he should need a note for that!). Tell her that you will provide a note if necessary. Once you put it together, have someone, who is not as emotional as you are about the situation, look it over. I would just approach it as if she is not doing anything wrong and that you are trying to help your so go through the proper channels to ask permission and have it granted. Sorry the teacher is such a jerk The other option is to contact the school nurse and explain the situation and see what he/she says. Good luck!

 

[msop04]

You definitely need to set up a conference with the teacher and very nicely explain that he has some bladder issues and to please allow him to go to the restroom. See how she reacts. I'd always try to go to the teacher in the least hostile way before having to involve the prinicipal. (This is coming from a former teacher and parent.)

But as a parent, I'd also be asking him about his schedule and can he go to the restroom right before his class if he is finding he needs to go during that class (or any class) often.

I agree with all of this... I'd want to go straight to the principal, but you'd hate for this teacher to retaliate against your son, since it seems she acts in a passive-aggressive manner already. I think just speaking with her firmly, yet calmly may do the trick. And if it doesn't, that's when I'd want to involve the principal, school board, or whatever channels necessary to make sure this doesn't happen again... to any student.

Having your son go prior to class is always a good idea, but I understand we can't control "when nature calls" all the time.

 

[TooPatient]

I may have missed this, but any chance he could change teachers?

 

[House Cat]

I like the idea of emailing for her policies and procedures regarding bathroom breaks in her classroom. This way you aren’t jumping to any conclusions and covering all of your bases before you bitch slap this awful wench.

Ok..before you have a formal conference to discuss creative solutions to her obvious control issues over your son’s bladder.

See? I still can’t be nice about it.

Just do me a favor...make the conference 6 hours long with coffee and don’t allow bathroom breaks.

 

[VRBeauty]

My first inclination was also to look into changing teachers. This one just sounds like bad news. I know that sounds extremist, but my fear is that if you do get/force her to be reasonable on this issue, she’ll find other, more subtle ways to discriminate against your son. One of my brothers had an elementary school teacher who felt it was ok to pick on him for some reason, and I know it took a lot of effort on my parents’ part to get that straightened out.

Also I have to admit that I had to establish bathroom schedules for myself when I was in high school. The span between my last class and getting to my house, which involved a bus ride and walk of a few blocks, was too long unless I made time for a bathroom break before boarding the bus. Your son might have to do something similar.

 

[Tekate]

@StephanieLynn get him moved out of that class. SL I sooo regret not moving my older son out of classes, teachers are humans (maybe) and they have dislikes and likes - we all know it because we all saw it. If the school is big enough to move him, just do it, I once moved my older son out of a class and the 2nd class was much better and the 2nd teacher tried doubly hard to help my son. Of course you need to do what you think Mom..you as you know, are the only advocate for your son at school. Middle school sucks !

best.

I try not to air my personal grievances here but with this I really need some help.

This is DS's second full week of school, he is in 6th grade, he has several teachers but the one we are having a problem with is his math teacher. Last week he told me he raised his hand to use the bathroom and she responded by saying "oh I thought you were raising your hand for something educational and you did not use the proper hand signal". WTH?! So then he waited a few moments and used the "proper signal" and she ignored him. He had to hold it for three more periods because the math class was four periods long, I believe a period is at least 20 minutes.

I went to the PTO meeting and asked if there were certain required hand signals and the teacher that was there said some teachers use them but they shouldn't be required and the principal was also taken aback. I thought maybe it was a one time thing and let it go.

Today he told me he raised his hand with the proper signal and she completely ignored him and he had to hold it for 40 minutes. She did let other kids go. When he told me this I told him the next time he has to go to just get up and leave and he said he would get written up and sent to the office, that's fine I said I would handle it if it came to that point. In the meantime I put a call into his doctor to see if I can get a note so that he can go when he needs to.

He just had a physical so it's not medical although we believe he has an immature bladder because he still wets the bed at night sometimes. This teacher really has me peeved but I'm afraid if I send an email it will be too emotional and then I don't want his whole year of math to suffer because we got off to a bad start but at the same time IMO she is way out of line.

 

[AGBF]

I left the thread because I was too angry to respond. I mean, I could have responded, but my response was probably about to include that had it been my child I would have been inclined to settle the matter with the use of firearms, so I decided to cool off.

Do what you have to do, but stop it now and stop it for good.

Deb, Fist in Air

 

[tkyasx78]

do what you need to to fix this.
I would be furious. The teacher would be having a meeting with me and the principal if it was my child. If needed I would get a dr's note and have it put in a 504 ( legal papers the school can get in trouble if they dont follow )

That would be the last day that would happen to my child. no excuses. he /she would have permission to WALK OUT and go to the principals office and call me if that teacher ever tried to pull that again.
It would also be followed by a formal complaint to the school and the school district.

 

[babs23r]

Hi. As a school nurse reading this, I am so angry that you and your son are going through this. Please go to the school nurse and school psychologist and let her/ him know what is going on.
A note from the doctor explaining that when your son needs to use the bathroom , LET HIM, and given to the school nurse will get it resolved.
I am in a middle school, a very hard age group for kids, especially a 6th grader. They are full of anxiety, and I am sure this is a contributing factor.
I’ll call the school for you and speak to whoever I need to.
The teacher cannot legally keep a child from using the restroom.
He will outgrow this, but in the meanwhile, by her not letting him go, will cause him more anxiety than before.

 

[YadaYadaYada]

You are all so wonderful with your suggestions. Just to clarify a couple of you who asked about changing teachers, teachers at his school are grouped into teams, I'm not sure if that means that he would have to change teams completely rather than just one teacher. Also during these long four period blocks there is no break in between which is kind of crazy since that is a long time.

I've read every one of your posts, sorry I didn't respond to you individually but after dinner things get crazy around here! To those that suggested an email to the teacher to clarify bathroom procedures, that's the route we chose first and this is the email that was sent:

"Dear Ms. Cook

Our son **** is a student in your math class, this is his first year in the ******** school system and math is one of his favorite subjects, he is very excited about the upcoming year in your class.

I wanted to reach out to clarify what your classroom policy is regarding students using the bathroom? **** has explained that there have been two occasions when he has used the proper hand signal and has not been excused to use the facilities. He has expressed that this makes him very uncomfortable and I would think that this discomfort may become a hinderance to concentrating on the lesson at hand. Also his pediatrician has told me that he needs to be excused when asked to prevent a possible infection or other adverse health effects.

Education is paramount and we have the utmost respect for educators like yourself preparing our young children for a vigorous academic future. Respectfully, I ask that you please excuse him when he asks and in turn we will also ask that he not abuse or otherwise compromise your classroom policies"

So let's see where that gets us, I figure best to reach out to her first and then escalate from there if needed. Do I think she is totally wrong and demented? Yes. However we are going to start with this approach and hope we get more bees with honey

 

[Ellen]

However we are going to start with this approach and hope we get more bees with honey

I think that's wise. You still may not get anywhere, but I think it was best to start out this way.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi Steph,
I think you chose the right course and right words for your sons situation. Start with the teacher.

Annette

 

[Matthews1127]

I had issues with a couple of my son’s teachers; one was an outright bully, who, apparently needed to treat those younger & smaller than she was terribly, in order to feel superior.
I usually go to the teacher, first. I knew what I was dealing with, after the first few weeks of school, and she targeted my son, repeatedly. She was an ORCHESTRA teacher for 5-6th grade. My son started playing viola in 2nd grade, and had natural talent; he could play any & every song by ear. From 2-4th grade, his Orchestra teacher never required him to read sheet music; in 5th grade, they are required to be able to read sheet music. My son didn’t....no fault of his own.
The first week of school, she asked my 5th grader to read a line of sheet music & he couldn’t. He was humiliated. He came home that Friday & told me he was quitting. Rather than allowing him to quit, I refreshed my own sheet music skills, and taught him, myself, over the weekend. The following Monday, she intentionally singled him out & asked him to read a line of sheet music, and he read it & played it beautifully. Instead of praising him for going above and beyond to improve himself, she made a spectacle of him in front of his peers.
Teacher: “I thought you said you couldn’t read sheet music.”
Son: “I couldn’t. My mom helped me to learn over the weekend.”
Teacher: “Isn’t that wonderful! Does your mother cut your meat for you, too?”
WHAT?!?!
That was it, for me. I was on the phone with the principal the next day. She & I met to discuss this insanity (I had been warned by other parents whose children had been in this particular teacher’s class, before-most kids quit because of her). She assured me she would handle it, and I could expect contact from the teacher.
Not long after, my whole house had the stomach flu. She chose that day to call to talk to me.
I took full advantage of how shitty I felt & unleashed the most wicked can of “You’ve met your match & you’re going down” this woman had ever seen in her life.
I chewed her up & spit her out; told her that if she ever found herself in the condition where she had diarrhea of the mouth ever again, and if she so much as looked cross-eyed at my son, while he is a student in her classroom, I’d own her, and she’d never work another day in the same state! I challenged her to meet me on the playground, since she & my son are not “peers”, and if she wanted to go toe to toe with a “peer”, I was her huckleberry! She has an infantile mind-set, and obviously felt intimidated by my son’s talent. I will never forget this conversation as long as I live. I think I may have brought her to tears, and she earned that! I know for certain that I rendered her speechless; the bully who used words to harm innocent children found herself tripping over her own tongue & stumbling to complete a sentence. She was quite the fool.
Amazingly, she admitted that my young boy was gifted; she’s never quite seen anything like him, in her career (and she was pushing retirement age). I explained to her that if she felt that way, she needed to be more appreciative of the gift that had been entrusted to her, and treat him with more respect.
He spent both 5th & 6th grade in her class (I made him stick to it. I enjoyed every encounter I had with her, and watching how uncomfortable my presence made her), and there was never another issue, ever again.
He stopped playing, after 6th grade; she had sucked the love out of playing the viola for him.
I’m proud to say that it didn’t stop him from trying other instruments, and continuing to explore his love for music; he can play the piano, and has written his own songs....WITH SHEET MUSIC!!! HA!!!

Moral of the story: go get her, mom!!!