Home Talking about your child all the time...

[meresal]

I spent the weekend with a mom who constantly talked about her only child. Literally, EVERY chance she had to tell a story she would. At one point, someone asked if there was any cheese left in the fridge, and she spun into a whirlwind of a converstaion about how cheese gives her son constipation.

In the 36 hours I spent with her, I found out that she BF'd for 4 months, but managed to freeze enough milk to feed him for a year. She would sleep in his crib with him if he had a bad dream. She bathes with him at least 3 times a week. She gained almost 60 lbs during her pregnancy, but lost most of it within 3 months. That her child gets picked on by a boy in his pre-school that shares the same name as him. He has been potty trained for a year, but has been having leaks due to a *very* unfortunate accident with the toilet lid. (poor thing) She puts him in the pull ups that have stars on them, and rewards him if the stars don't go away. The list goes on, and on, and on...


Do you know anyone like this? How do you make sure you AREN'T one of these women? She drove EVERYONE crazy!

 

[Prana]

Sounds like she doesn''t have anybody to talk to. I notice this with people who don''t have great support systems or any friends. They will talk to the first person that listens about whatever it is that they haven''t gotten the chance to talk about. And it''s always one sided talking AT you, rather than TO you. Very annoying at times.

 

[meresal]

It was most definitely a talking "AT" you situation...

However, I didn''t get the impression that she doesn''t have friends. I wondered if maybe it was just becaue she only spends time with other moms. Other than two women who were in their 50''s (the bride-to-be''s FMIL and FMIL''s sister), she was the only girl that had a child. I almost felt like she just didn''t have the ability to talk about anything other than her child. I wonder how easy it is to get so wrapped up in your child''s life, that you forget that you had your own likes and interests before baby.

 

[TravelingGal]

There''s a few reasons why I think this happens:

1. The woman is a SAHM. If it''s the biggest chunk of your world, it natural that it''s a huge topic of conversation. However, I know plenty of SAHMs who are well rounded, so I really think it''s actually...

2. The woman is self absorbed and was pre-baby. Doesn''t matter what the focus du jour is, it will always be about her.

It also could be that she''s clueless. She may not realize she''s doing it THAT much.

As for your question "How do you make sure you AREN''T one of these women", that''s easy. If you are interested in what other people have to say before you have a kid and are cognizant of other people''s feelings (and can pick up on subtle body language), you won''t be one of these people.

Oh, and make sure you participate on the mommy threads...it''s a great place to "bore" people with stories of the kid and get it out of your system!

 

[CNOS128]

I know a woman like this (I think we all do). In the case of the woman I know, I think a big part of her problem is that she has no other identity than being "Mother of P." Even when she was pregnant, her whole sense of self was wrapped up in being a pregnant person. She abandoned all hobbies and interests she used to have, and focused only on being pregnant, and then on being a mother. Obviously kids need a lot of time and attention, but this woman simply doesn''t have her own identity anymore. She will answer the question, "How are you?" by telling you how P is feeling that day. Her facebook status updates are, literally, always about P.
I know other SAHMs who generally only spend time with other moms, but they still go out without their kids and go on vacation and have interests. But not P''s mom.

 

[meresal]

Tgal- She is not a SAHM. Actually I tried to ask her multiple times what she did for a living, and it always ended up being a story about her child... but I got the impression she is a nurse of some sort. Not quite sure, but definitely has a day job.

She seems very self-absorbed. She received an invite to the wedding for her and her husband, and without a second thought, RSVP'd 3, for thier son. One of those. She insisted that if my friend didn't want kids, then she should have put it on the invite. Simply not putting his name on the invitation, wasn't acceptable.

Thanks for assuring me that this doesn't just *happen*.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/15/2010 11:32:18 AM
Author: meresal
Tgal- She is not a SAHM. Actually I tried to ask her multiple times what she did for a living, and it always ended up being a story about her child... but I got the impression she is a nurse of some sort. Not quite sure, but definitely has a day job.

She seems very self-absorbed. She received an invite to the wedding for her and her husband, and without a second thought, RSVP''d 3, for thier son. One of those. She insisted that if my friend didn''t want kids, then she should have put it on the invite. Simply not putting his name on the invitation, wasn''t acceptable.

Thanks for assuring me that this doesn''t just *happen*.

Ha, no...I really don''t think it just happens. All my friends who were awesome pre child were totally great post child. And while I love my friends who are all blah blah blah about their kids, I would have to admit that I loved them prechild in spite of their self absorbed ways. My BFF was the worst offender (plus she can talk your ear off about anything, so it was doubly awful). Many years ago I gently told her that she talked about her daughter TOO much, especially in the sense that she always brought any conversation full circle back to her. To my BFF''s credit, she was horrified and truly surprised she did this. She asked me in all sincerity how she would stop doing it. She is a SAHM and said she it just was her world, and that was her way of relating to what people said. I said, maybe she can for 15 minutes a day read some news headlines so she could bring up things in social conversation that weren''t about her child.

She did get much better about it, but she is still a very self absorbed person to this day. Fortunately, when push comes to shove, she can focus and support her friends in their times of need. (And she''s lucky that I''ve never been very needy.)

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 3/15/2010 11:21:51 AM
Author: TravelingGal
There''s a few reasons why I think this happens:

1. The woman is a SAHM. If it''s the biggest chunk of your world, it natural that it''s a huge topic of conversation. However, I know plenty of SAHMs who are well rounded, so I really think it''s actually...

2. The woman is self absorbed and was pre-baby. Doesn''t matter what the focus du jour is, it will always be about her.

It also could be that she''s clueless. She may not realize she''s doing it THAT much.

As for your question ''How do you make sure you AREN''T one of these women'', that''s easy. If you are interested in what other people have to say before you have a kid and are cognizant of other people''s feelings (and can pick up on subtle body language), you won''t be one of these people.

Oh, and make sure you participate on the mommy threads...it''s a great place to ''bore'' people with stories of the kid and get it out of your system!

I think you hit the nail on the head with the highlighted bit. One of my dear friends is unfortunately like this - it made her occassionally annoying pre-baby, very annoying during her first pregnancy and baby, and now that she has a toddler and is pregnant again, she is at times unbearable. She is also very caring and giving, the type to jump out of bed in the middle of the night to get you if you were stranded somewhere, so she has very nice qualities as well, but when it comes to her kid, it''s all about her & him.

 

[Laila619]

How annoying! Unfortunately, I've seen this many times. Like TheBigT mentioned, for some women their sole identity is that of someone's mommy. It's as though they have stopped being a wife, friend, daughter, sister, professional, etc. and now only live for and talk about their child. Unfortunately, not everyone cares or is interested in listening!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Ah, this is a sad post. The woman probably hates her job and her child is the highlight of her life. Even if she is a bit self-absorbed, possibly just cut her some slack. How much time do you spend around her? Maybe just reduce that and focus on your other friends.

As far as you not wanting to be one of those kinds of moms, be sure to keep up on other interests. Just because a woman is a mom, doesn''t mean one can''t read up on current events, enjoy non-mommy novels, and the best yet, watch totally NON-parent movies (lots of rated R movies with swearing, etc.) just to keep you "normal."

 

[jewelz617]

I''m a stay at home mom, so I have no one to talk to but my child! My life is temporarily all about my kid. And I''m fine with that. I''m proud of her, I love her to death and right now she and my husband are what my world revolves around.

However, I do have to keep that in check sometimes when I''m out. I try to get my stories out at the beginning of hanging out with friends and then shift my attention to what''s going on outside my mommy bubble.

To me though, it''s no different than a girlfriend talking about the guy she''s dating 24/7. We''ve all done that at some point, and all moms will probably gush to an annoying level about their kid at some point. It''s just life. And I totally did not get offended when a good friend said to me "Other than your daughter, what else is going on in your life?"

Sometimes when a mom is all consumed it can be hard to remember what life was like before pregnancy, babies and kids.

 

[Haven]

I know a lot of moms like this, actually.
They get worse when they're in a group with other moms, and the problem becomes highly exaggerated if someone else's child is around to remind them of their own children.

Seriously, though, it's kind of sad to me when moms can't talk about anything other than their children. DH's uncle is in his early 70s. He's been "seeing" a woman around his age since his wife passed away two years ago. This woman *only* talks about her son. Lloyd. "Lloyd just redid his house in Florida." "Lloyd would hate this dinner, he'd definitely send it back." "My son, Lloyd, he and his wife have been to the place you're talking about seventeen times. They hated it."

I imagine she's been talking non-stop about Lloyd for over 50 years. She is the biggest bore I've ever met.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:03:24 PM
Author: MC
Ah, this is a sad post. The woman probably hates her job and her child is the highlight of her life. Even if she is a bit self-absorbed, possibly just cut her some slack. How much time do you spend around her? Maybe just reduce that and focus on your other friends.

As far as you not wanting to be one of those kinds of moms, be sure to keep up on other interests. Just because a woman is a mom, doesn''t mean one can''t read up on current events, enjoy non-mommy novels, and the best yet, watch totally NON-parent movies (lots of rated R movies with swearing, etc.) just to keep you ''normal.''

MC, this was the first time I had ever met her. There were 8 of us staying in a 4bdrm beach house for the weekend (A bachelorette party). So we were around eachother quite a bit. There were other things, this is just something that I noticed and wanted to make sure I didn''t do.

I love hearing about people''s children and seeing their picutres... but I also like to talk to people about thier own lives. Everytime she could link a story/question to her child, she did. I''m not sure if she realized it or not, but after hearing about the wedding invitation drama she created, it seemed that maybe her life just revolves around her son.

I will make extra note to keep up on my *trashy reading* in order to keep with the convo that all my non-mommy friends share.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:21:31 PM
Author: Haven
I know a lot of moms like this, actually.

They get worse when they''re in a group with other moms, and the problem becomes highly exaggerated if someone else''s child is around to remind them of their own children.

Seriously, though, it''s kind of sad to me when moms can''t talk about anything other than their children. DH''s uncle is in his early 70s. He''s been ''seeing'' a woman around his age since his wife passed away two years ago. This woman *only* talks about her son. Lloyd. ''Lloyd just redid his house in Florida.'' ''Lloyd would hate this dinner, he''d definitely send it back.'' ''My son, Lloyd, he and his wife have been to the place you''re talking about seventeen times. They hated it.''


I imagine she''s been talking non-stop about Lloyd for over 50 years. She is the biggest bore I''ve ever met.

Yeah, that''s weird. I think it''s normal for new moms to gush for a couple years, but at some point cut the umbilical cord and get a hobby!

 

[Bev]

I absolutely love my child just as much as the next person, but I honestly can''t stand when I''m with a group of women who ONLY talk about their kids. I''m a SAHM and love it, but I look forward to when I can have adult conversation that isn''t about our children. I think the worst situation is when everyone starts talking about how genius their child is - everyone trying to one up each other with how early their child potty trained, walked, crawled, talked etc., as if your child will be astronomically smarter than the rest of the population if he or she crawled at 6 months versus 10 months.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:17:53 PM
Author: PinkAsscher678
I''m a stay at home mom, so I have no one to talk to but my child! My life is temporarily all about my kid. And I''m fine with that. I''m proud of her, I love her to death and right now she and my husband are what my world revolves around.

However, I do have to keep that in check sometimes when I''m out. I try to get my stories out at the beginning of hanging out with friends and then shift my attention to what''s going on outside my mommy bubble.

To me though, it''s no different than a girlfriend talking about the guy she''s dating 24/7. We''ve all done that at some point, and all moms will probably gush to an annoying level about their kid at some point. It''s just life. And I totally did not get offended when a good friend said to me ''Other than your daughter, what else is going on in your life?''

Sometimes when a mom is all consumed it can be hard to remember what life was like before pregnancy, babies and kids.

Therein lies the difference.

Nearly everyone can relate to relationship drama. People are more interested in hearing about what''s going on in the world of dating than a world completely foreign to them if they are not parents.

I think this is actually more like...say...a birdwatcher droning on and on about all the different species and habits of the chirping buggers to someone who couldn''t really give a crap.

 

[meresal]

PA- I completely understand enjoying updating your friends on what new things your child is doing, and honestly, I love hearing updates... however, after 36 hours, you just have to stop at some point. She would update us on his *star* staus after talking with her husband each night. (These are the pull-ups that he is not supposed to be wetting... if you wet, then the stars dissapear.)

I really do believe that she didn't mean to over-load us... which is why I was wondering how to make sure you keep a good balance or normal converstaion and kiddo converstaion.

Haven- THAT scares me! There wasn't a single new mom in our entire group, I can only imagine how it gets around her mommy friends.

 

[jas]

I decided to discuss this with my children, both 18-months. One just got accepted to law school, the other is a professional entertainer (v. popular in Europe) Aren't kids amazing? Aren't my kids amazing? All this accomplishment while they're still pooping their pants. I've got some killer DNA.

People outside of my "mommy" and "family" circles are often surprised to find out I have kids. Like others have said, I love having the opportunity to use the non-mommy parts of my brain. If someone asks about my kids, I keep it short, unless they specifically ask for more info.

And, again, as mentioned, as a SAHM, I love asking other people about their lives...fodder for my daydreams!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:26:44 PM
Author: meresal
MC, this was the first time I had ever met her. There were 8 of us staying in a 4bdrm beach house for the weekend (A bachelorette party). So we were around eachother quite a bit. There were other things, this is just something that I noticed and wanted to make sure I didn''t do.

I love hearing about people''s children and seeing their picutres... but I also like to talk to people about thier own lives. Everytime she could link a story/question to her child, she did. I''m not sure if she realized it or not, but after hearing about the wedding invitation drama she created, it seemed that maybe her life just revolves around her son.

I will make extra note to keep up on my *trashy reading* in order to keep with the convo that all my non-mommy friends share.

Yep, find 5 hobbies that are especially unchild related! lol

The woman may have felt out of place and not sure what to talk about. Often when I get together with other moms, mostly our kids are talked about. It''s kinda ''cuz that''s the primary thing we DO have in common. My interests outside of my kids are foreign to my friends. Right now, I''m reading an archaeology book and the only person that''s discussed the contents has been my 7 year old. He''s facinated by it. lol Ooops, just talked about my son. hahaha Maybe it is just a mommy disorder.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:30:40 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 3/15/2010 12:17:53 PM

Author: PinkAsscher678

I''m a stay at home mom, so I have no one to talk to but my child! My life is temporarily all about my kid. And I''m fine with that. I''m proud of her, I love her to death and right now she and my husband are what my world revolves around.


However, I do have to keep that in check sometimes when I''m out. I try to get my stories out at the beginning of hanging out with friends and then shift my attention to what''s going on outside my mommy bubble.


To me though, it''s no different than a girlfriend talking about the guy she''s dating 24/7. We''ve all done that at some point, and all moms will probably gush to an annoying level about their kid at some point. It''s just life. And I totally did not get offended when a good friend said to me ''Other than your daughter, what else is going on in your life?''


Sometimes when a mom is all consumed it can be hard to remember what life was like before pregnancy, babies and kids.

Therein lies the difference.


Nearly everyone can relate to relationship drama. People are more interested in hearing about what''s going on in the world of dating than a world completely foreign to them if they are not parents.


I think this is actually more like...say...a birdwatcher droning on and on about all the different species and habits of the chirping buggers to someone who couldn''t really give a crap.

I was just using that as an example to illustrate that we''ve all talked about something obsessively at some point that 99% of our friends find annoying. And there is nothing wrong with giving new moms a gentle reminder that there are other things going on in the world. I have a soft spot for moms who do this because I did it too at one point, but it wasn''t to such an extent as OP is talking about. It''s not because I''m self absorbed or a terrible friend, I just didn''t know any better. Then when my daughter was like 6 months old I started to venture out into the wild again and learned how to re-socialize with my friends. Because while I might find my new Bugaboo stroller fascinating, it doesn''t make for very riveting dinner discussion.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:35:18 PM
Author: meresal
PA- I completely understand enjoying updating your friends on what new things your child is doing, and honestly, I love hearing updates... however, after 36 hours, you just have to stop at some point. She would update us on his *star* staus after talking with her husband each night. (These are the pull-ups that he is not supposed to be wetting... if you wet, then the stars dissapear.)


I really do believe that she didn''t mean to over-load us... which is why I was wondering how to make sure you keep a good balance or normal converstaion and kiddo converstaion.

Wow, haha! Star status?

The way I kept a balance was I would just have to remind myself before I went out that mommyhood is my reality right now, but not so for my friends. It did take a few outings to get the baby talk out of my system, but after that I craved adult conversation more because I was getting cabin fever. I really enjoyed going out and talking about who''s dating who, who''s boss is a jerk and what cute sunglasses someone got on sale. And my friends are awesome and do ask questions, but once the conversation shifts I put the mom talk away and focus on them.

Also now, it''s not that I''m trying to divide my friends, but if I want to take a jog with the stroller and talk about diapers, I can call one of my fellow moms. That helps too.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:30:16 PM
Author: Bev
I absolutely love my child just as much as the next person, but I honestly can''t stand when I''m with a group of women who ONLY talk about their kids. I''m a SAHM and love it, but I look forward to when I can have adult conversation that isn''t about our children. I think the worst situation is when everyone starts talking about how genius their child is - everyone trying to one up each other with how early their child potty trained, walked, crawled, talked etc., as if your child will be astronomically smarter than the rest of the population if he or she crawled at 6 months versus 10 months.

Bev, this girl was VERY proud of the fact that her son has been potty trained since he was 2.

That washed over all of us non-mommies like a 2 foot tidal wave.

She paused after saying it, like we should commend her for her amazing mommy training abilities. LOL!

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:37:31 PM
Author: jas
I decided to discuss this with my children, both 18-months. One just got accepted to law school, the other is a professional entertainer (v. popular in Europe) Aren't kids amazing? Aren't my kids amazing? All this accomplishment while they're still pooping their pants. I've got some killer DNA.

People outside of my 'mommy' and 'family' circles are often surprised to find out I have kids. Like others have said, I love having the opportunity to use the non-mommy parts of my brain. If someone asks about my kids, I keep it short, unless they specifically ask for more info.

And, again, as mentioned, as a SAHM, I love asking other people about their lives...fodder for my daydreams!

Is it Ivy leage? My 20 month old was just accepted to Yale.

Just like his father and all the other men in our family. He's wonderful... even wipes himself.

LOL! I can't wait to see which of my friends do this. I have a feeling that I already know one of them.


PA- I totally understand. I can see calling other mommy friends when I need a get-away to discuss mommy things. I won't drag a non-mommy friend to happy hour so that I can vent about baby related topics.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:30:16 PM
Author: Bev
I absolutely love my child just as much as the next person, but I honestly can''t stand when I''m with a group of women who ONLY talk about their kids. I''m a SAHM and love it, but I look forward to when I can have adult conversation that isn''t about our children. I think the worst situation is when everyone starts talking about how genius their child is - everyone trying to one up each other with how early their child potty trained, walked, crawled, talked etc., as if your child will be astronomically smarter than the rest of the population if he or she crawled at 6 months versus 10 months.

This is the WORST. I am so wary of people asking me when my kid started doing something. Because no matter what you say, their kid did it 6 months earlier. Always!

I am going to start telling people my daughter started talking at 3 weeks old and see what they say

 

[Hest88]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:30:40 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Therein lies the difference.

Nearly everyone can relate to relationship drama. People are more interested in hearing about what''s going on in the world of dating than a world completely foreign to them if they are not parents.

I think this is actually more like...say...a birdwatcher droning on and on about all the different species and habits of the chirping buggers to someone who couldn''t really give a crap.

This is it exactly. Relationship drama is...well...drama. It''s gossip, which many people like hearing.

However, if it''s more like: "My BF is the best evah! Last week he went surfing and everyone said he was the best! Oh, and if you think your spaghetti recipe is great, wait until you taste his!" then that''s just as annoying as constant baby talk--and definitely more akin to the birdwatching scenario.

I think the point in proper social interaction is to make sure you''re being sufficiently interested in the other person/people, and to pick up social cues to make sure *whatever* subject you''re talking about isn''t getting boring. If it''s all about yourself and your life, and talking about what you want to talk about (be it babies, diamonds, cars, or whatever) regardless of what the group wants to discuss, then you''re just being a self-centered bore.

 

[Laila619]

Another thing I don''t understand is when a woman on Facebook becomes a new mom and all her photos are now either of 1) her baby or 2) herself posing with her baby. Nowhere in any of these pics is her DH, or a family shot with both parents. It''s like he now ceases to exist!

Is the DH just a nobody now that the baby is here?

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:57:09 PM
Author: Laila619
Another thing I don''t understand is when a woman on Facebook becomes a new mom and all her photos are now either of 1) her baby or 2) herself posing with her baby. Nowhere in any of these pics is her DH, or a family shot with both parents. It''s like he now ceases to exist!

Is the DH just a nobody now that the baby is here?

Oh come on...we all know that they were only sperm donors.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:57:09 PM
Author: Laila619
Another thing I don''t understand is when a woman on Facebook becomes a new mom and all her photos are now either of 1) her baby or 2) herself posing with her baby. Nowhere in any of these pics is her DH, or a family shot with both parents. It''s like he now ceases to exist!

Is the DH just a nobody now that the baby is here?

I always thought moms were the ones taking all the pics!

 

[Bev]

Date: 3/15/2010 12:57:09 PM
Author: Laila619
Another thing I don''t understand is when a woman on Facebook becomes a new mom and all her photos are now either of 1) her baby or 2) herself posing with her baby. Nowhere in any of these pics is her DH, or a family shot with both parents. It''s like he now ceases to exist!

Is the DH just a nobody now that the baby is here?

LOL Laila! So true!! The mom''s fb becomes the baby''s fb. Too funny.

 

[Lilac]

I know many women like this. One in particular updates her FB status and picture albums every single day. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Sometimes multiple times a day. She has 79 albums about her one year old son and each one has somewhere between 60-200 pictures in it.

Now I love seeing baby pictures - I think they''re adorable and I love when moms put up pictures of their kids because I think they''re so cute! I''m sure one day I''ll put up pictures of my baby also. But at some point enough is enough. Seeing her update her pictures and status every single time her child does something new, makes a new face, says a new word, does something gross, is just not fun for *anyone* else other than the mother! And fine. If it were just FB then it''s one thing - I do have the ability to "hide" her from my news feed or just unfriend her altogether - but I see her every week and she''s the same exact way in person. She and her husband just went to Antigua for a week and she came back and instead of telling people about their trip when we asked about it and asked how it was, she proceeded to talk for a half hour about everything her son did while she was away! She does work, but won''t talk about anything else other than her child.

Two friends of mine just announced they''re pregnant. I''m so happy for them and I know they''ll make great moms. Last week I was sitting with the two of them and suddenly they started talking about pregnancy... and the conversation went into what size fruit the baby was, what cravings they''ve had and what they''ve made their husbands run out in the middle of the night for, the time and strength of their morning sickness, whether or not they throw up from it, and how many times a night and at *what* specific times each night they wake up to pee. It was me and the two of them. I sat there trying to figure out how to escape the conversation. As much as I enjoy spending time with the two of them, there''s only so much a non-pregnant girl can take listening to a conversation about vomiting and peeing while pregnant.

I assume these are the same women who got engaged and couldn''t stop talking about their wedding and became so engrossed in planning that they forgot anyone else existed...? I don''t know. That''s what I noticed from my experience with these 3 friends. Maybe TGal is right - the women who end up doing this were self-absorbed before the baby (about whatever was going on in their lives) and now it''s just the new thing about themselves to talk about.

All I know is, I don''t want to be like that!