Take me off the list

[Skychick]

I have had on-going health issues for about 3 years and it seems like for the whole 3 years SO argued all the time (we have been together 7). In the beginning of February we had the fight of all fights and he said that he was done. He coudn't take the arguing anymore but wanted to remain friends. I asked if there was someone else he was interested in and he said no. I believe he is a man of his word and I believe him unless I find out otherwise. I don't want to jump to any conclusions. He isn't interested in a relationship at all right now. I told him that it wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't make him stay. I told him that if he did find someone to tell me because I couldn't watch him fall in love with someone else.

The next week I find that I am extremely estrogen dominant. I start taking hormones to balance the estrogen out. OH. MY. GOD. It is like a huge blanket was lifted off of me. I have not felt this great in 3 years. But I also realize how horrible I have been to him. You don't know how miserable you are until you get out of it. I sent a text telling him that I feel good and I realize I treated him horribly and I know it was too late but I wanted to tell him I was sorry. He replied - thank you.

I had to stop following him on a social networking site a while ago because I was taking things he posted out of context and just getting way too emotional. Yesterday I told him that I am thinking about following him again. He replied saying it was my choice but he wasn't going to get questioned about his posts everyday. We are not together and we is not going to act like we are together. I agreed.

We have been texting and not arguing. I know it is going to take time for us to fix this if it can be fixed. I did tell him that eventually I wanted a relationship back but I know that we need to take a few steps back and learn to enjoy each other again. He hasn't really said anything about it - he is the type of person that won't say anything until he truly believes or feels it. I know he is gun shy. I know I need give it time to show him that I am not miserable anymore. Patience has not been my strong suit.

He has told me several times that he knows my heart is in the right place and I am a good person. He has nothing against me, he just can't take the arguing. I did tell him that I would like us to get along and see where things go.

I think he is confused. I need time to show him things changed with me. I know men don't get hormones at all. Neither did I really until this big change by just adding progesterone back into my system. We are going to get together this weekend. As hard as it is - I have no expectations.

 

[chemgirl]

Its wonderful that you're feeling better!

Its too bad that it had to happen after your boyfriend decided that he'd had enough. That must be really frustrating for both of you. As a bit of advice, I think you'd do much better by focusing your energy on new hobbies and social activities rather than spending energy on getting back together. He seems to be making it very clear that he's done. It sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. I think it would be much more healthy for both of you if you just focused on yourself for a while. Spend some time being healthy and enjoy your new positive attitude (I know when my hormones are out of whack I'm a mess). He'll see how you're doing and judge for himself. I worry that following his life too closely (ie the social network stuff) will just end in making you upset and confused.

 

[iugurl]

It is good you are feeling better...

However, I won't want your hopes to get up that you are going to get back together. If he has really been treated very badly for a 3 years (or even 1) then he may not be able to look past that. I am sorry. If you were to come on here telling us how horrible your bf was to you, and you finally got the courage to leave him... I doubt anyone would encourage you to get back with him regardless of a new hormone treatment. It sounds as if he doesn't really want any communication with you, that is why the replies are so short and curt? I think he may be trying to be polite. I agree with surfgirl, just concentrate on you for now.

I hope I am not too harsh. I tried to word my thoughts as nicely as I could...

 

[blacksand]

I agree that the best thing you can do, both for the hope of a relationship and for yourself, is let the relationship go now. Focus on yourself, make new friends, go out, try new hobbies, and don't spend too much time talking to him or following him online. It does not sound like he is interested in starting anything up with you right now. It sounds like he cares about you as a person, and wants to be kind to you so as not to hurt you. But it does not sound like he wants to be in a relationship with you. It's possible that may change in the future, but it isn't going to change if you throw all your energy into wanting it and he keeps pulling back. If you put your energy into something more productive, like a new hobby, you will find you are happier, healthier, and better off for it. If he then sees you are a changed person and wants to be with you, great (assuming you still want to be with him at that point...you never know!). If not, you'll be happy and healthy, and you won't miss him. It's a hard path to follow, but it's the way to be healthy, and you'll both be better off for it. Best of luck to you.

 

[canuk-gal]

I have had on-going health issues for about 3 years and it seems like for the whole 3 years SO argued all the time (we have been together 7). In the beginning of February we had the fight of all fights and he said that he was done. He coudn't take the arguing anymore but wanted to remain friends. I asked if there was someone else he was interested in and he said no. I believe he is a man of his word and I believe him unless I find out otherwise. I don't want to jump to any conclusions. He isn't interested in a relationship at all right now. I told him that it wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't make him stay. I told him that if he did find someone to tell me because I couldn't watch him fall in love with someone else.

The next week I find that I am extremely estrogen dominant. I start taking hormones to balance the estrogen out. OH. MY. GOD. It is like a huge blanket was lifted off of me. I have not felt this great in 3 years. But I also realize how horrible I have been to him. You don't know how miserable you are until you get out of it. I sent a text telling him that I feel good and I realize I treated him horribly and I know it was too late but I wanted to tell him I was sorry. He replied - thank you.

I had to stop following him on a social networking site a while ago because I was taking things he posted out of context and just getting way too emotional. Yesterday I told him that I am thinking about following him again. He replied saying it was my choice but he wasn't going to get questioned about his posts everyday. We are not together and we is not going to act like we are together. I agreed.

We have been texting and not arguing. I know it is going to take time for us to fix this if it can be fixed. I did tell him that eventually I wanted a relationship back but I know that we need to take a few steps back and learn to enjoy each other again. He hasn't really said anything about it - he is the type of person that won't say anything until he truly believes or feels it. I know he is gun shy. I know I need give it time to show him that I am not miserable anymore. Patience has not been my strong suit.

He has told me several times that he knows my heart is in the right place and I am a good person. He has nothing against me, he just can't take the arguing. I did tell him that I would like us to get along and see where things go.

I think he is confused. I need time to show him things changed with me. I know men don't get hormones at all. Neither did I really until this big change by just adding progesterone back into my system. We are going to get together this weekend. As hard as it is - I have no expectations.

HI:

This paragraph contradicts itself. From what you wrote--you do have expectations and big ones--to get back together. Also he doesn't seem to be as confused as you are--he told you are no longer a couple (e.g. is no longer interested). That doesn't seem "guy shy" to me.

Please rethink your connection to him on the social network, because it prevents you from moving on and can become problematic if you cannot let it go, as it sounds he wants to. Perhaps you can seek counselling to help manage some of your guilt issues surrounding your old relationship--with the hope that can help prevent you from repeating old mistakes.

cheers--Sharon

 

[hearts-arrows_girl]

Hugs!!! Breaking up always sucks, no matter who is more to blame.

My best advice to you is DON'T call him or text him!! If it makes you feel bad when you read his social site, stop reading it. This sounds harsh, but it's not. No guy has ever wanted to come back to a girl because he felt sorry for her. Or she bugged him into coming back. It may be over for good, but if you have any chance at all of starting over, or at least being his friend, let him have some space. Get yourself happy and healthy. If you are going to be with him or anyone, you have to be mentally and physically healthy. You both deserve it. Give him a chance to miss you. That way if HE calls you, it's because he WANTS to talk to you, not because he is politely returning a call or text. The conversation will go much better. Be patient. Let it be over. It wasn't working for him. If after awhile he misses you and you are now strong and healthy, you two can start over with a fresh new outlook. I know it's hard, but it could be your only chance. And getting to know yourself is always a good thing! Time alone will also give you a chance to make sure your hormones are completely balanced now. If he comes back and your hormones are the complete cause of the break up, but they are not completely in check, and the arguing starts again, you will lose him for good. (Quite frankly, I would guess after 7 years, he is sort of use to drama from you, and after not hearing from you for a bit, will find he has quite a void, and will miss you, episodes and all, and will call to see what's up.)
Just chill til then.

 

[junebug17]

Some more hugs heading your way, breaking up is a rough thing.

But, I have to agree with the others...I think you should stop keeping in contact with him, including the social site. You don't want to come across as desperate or needy. You're running the risk of bugging him, I'm afraid. I think it's a really good idea to focus on yourself for awhile...give yourself time to be and feel healthy, hang out with your friends, start a hobby, take a class. Give him time, so that he has the opportunity to miss you. You've already told him how you feel, so I'd back off. If he's interested in starting up the relationship again, he'll let you know. I'm sorry if I'm coming across as harsh, I truly don't mean to - I just really think it's the best way to approach things right now.

Again, I'm sorry - I know you must be very hurt and upset. But please hang in there, and be strong. It will get easier as time goes on.

 

[Skychick]

I am giving him space. We did see each other this weekend and we did have a conversation about the past 3 years. I explained to him what it was like for me (which he never knew before and said that my hormone imbalance must be horrible to go through) and that I did realize how it affected our relationship and I can't blame him for finally saying enough is enough. He says he is still a little upset. He says he needs time to process everything. So, I told him to take his time.

We have very different communication styles. When I am upset I need to talk about it right then. He needs time to think and collect his thoughts. It used to make me feel ignored and unimportant. But now I understand that is the way each of us is wired.

I don't follow him anymore. I agree that this time will be good for both of us. Do I want to be with him? Absolutely. Does he want to be with me? I hope. I know he loves me. I believe this is the make it or break it point. Either he comes back and we work everything out, or we both walk away...

 

[junebug17]

I think it's good that you had a chance to talk to him and let him know what's been going on with you, because I was sensing in your post that you felt you really hadn't had an opportunity to do that. And he let you know how he's feeling about everything as well. You sound like you have a good outlook on things, and realize and respect his need for some space. I hope I didn't come across as unsympathetic in my post, because I'm not - I really feel for you, and what you're going through. I can appreciate how hard it is. But you're doing the right thing by letting him have some time (and giving yourself some time too)...if it's meant to be, it will happen. You can't really force these things. Hang in there, be good to yourself, and stay strong. I wish you the best!

 

[Skychick]

No, I don't think you were being too harsh. When you post on a public forum you need to be able to take the replies. You also have to understand that people you don't know in real life are going to tell you how they really see it. Everyone needs that every once in a while...

This is the first time a long while that I think we were able to make progress on something. Even if it was to say we need time apart. I have never agreed to that before. I need to respect his request for time. I don't like it but I do realize it is exactly what we need.

 

[Blackpaw]

hi Sky, im really sorry you're going through a tough time right now. I dont have any words of wisdom im afraid, just be good to yourself and dont beat yourself up i guess...and ****hugs****, i hope it all turns out well for you

 

[TwinkleStar]

Hi Sky, lots of hugs and love to you! Your situation is really tough, especially when you love each other so much. Now is definitely a good time to focus on yourself and do things you've always wanted to do. Try not to even think of him as a part of your life romantically (although I know that's super hard), just so that you can also give yourself the space you need.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I think it sounds like you've put yourself in a really good head space and for that, congratulations. Breaking up with someone is always hard and to be able to focus the lens on yourself is a huge part of moving forward. You've said what you needed to say, be that the apology or expressing that you still love him and want to work it out. Now, take all of those revelations and start putting into practice what you've said. As others have said, if you really love the guy then do what he's asking of you....which is giving him time to sort it all out without pressure.

I think following him on twitter or FB or whatever was a bad idea, and I'm pleased to see you're not doing it anymore. When a relationship is over, if you're the one left with the lingering feelings, it can be really hard to see, first hand, that the other person isn't. I think that since you're pushing forward towards better health not opening yourself up to that sort of potential hurt is really the smart thing.

I actually wanted to throw in a nugget of personal experience here, because when I was reading your post I had an "ohhhhh" moment...

Many years ago I was in a LTR with a guy who was really great, but it wasn't working out. He wanted different things from me than I was willing to give, he was slightly older and I just wasn't really in the same place as he was. Our relationship worked for a long time because we did have common goals in the beginning, but as he got older and I got older we just started drifting. The first couple of years of our thing were awesome, the last year not so much. I eventually broke it off for myself...I just couldn't be what he needed anymore, I was tried of pretending and the arguing was way over the top.

After the split he became obsessed with getting me back. Not like he had a case of the crazies, but like he would DO or SAY anything to win my attention. He would call all the time and make promises he couldn't keep because there was no way he guarantee the things he was saying. I felt awful and I humored him a lot because I knew he was hurting. I would sit on the phone, meet him for coffee, comfort him...but none of that meant it changed how I felt. The best way I can explain it is this, he attempts at reasoning with me were just like this vice putting all sorts of pressure on everything and I was cracking under it.

Eventually it entirely drove me away. I would have loved to have parted as friends, he was still this amazing guy who was nothing but good to me and our time together still meant a lot...but the fact that he wasn't hearing me when I said I needed space and distance and time was just a further indication that nothing really had really changed. If he had just respected my words and taken me at face value, i.e: LISTENED, we may have found our way back...but he didn't and ergo we didn't.

So, my point is, listen. I have been on the other end of that situation...the one left behind, grasping at straws and trying to make the other person see my worth. And guess what? That didn't turn out so hot either. It can be really tempting in the aftermath of a separation to be this blinding reminder of all the good stuff you had...you'll say or do anything to make them grasp the mistake you think they're making. You want it to work, so you'll put in 110% to make sure that happens. But where that 110% is better spent is in the listening. Listen to him. He wants space, give it. He can't miss you if you're never really gone. Cease with the phone calls, the text messaging. If he needs you, he'll reach out. If he wants you, he'll find you. You're not gone...you're never gone, I bet he thinks of you all the time...but you have to distance yourself to make him see that, as illogical as that probably sounds.

I wish you the best and I'm happy you're feeling better. Stay well.

 

[Skychick]

I had a setback this weekend...

Saturday was a rough day for me - it was the ex's birthday plus I attended a memorial service for my friend that passed away. The ex knew my friend and knew what the day was.

I sent the ex a cookie bouquet just to acknowledge his b-day and I did send a text wishing him happy birthday. He thanked me for the gift and said he would send a picture. I told him me didn't have to. I said I was just having a rough day and he said he was sorry my day was awful. Then I lost it and I told him if he doesn't want to be with me then just tell me. No response.

Yesterday I sent a text saying that I assumed he knew what he wanted when I sent that text and it was a rough day and let's pretend that it didn't happen. And I told him to resume his time away. Was I wrong? Yes. Will it happen again? No. Did I just push him away again? Probably. All I can do now is go forward.

 

[amc80]

I had a setback this weekend...

Saturday was a rough day for me - it was the ex's birthday plus I attended a memorial service for my friend that passed away. The ex knew my friend and knew what the day was.

I sent the ex a cookie bouquet just to acknowledge his b-day and I did send a text wishing him happy birthday. He thanked me for the gift and said he would send a picture. I told him me didn't have to. I said I was just having a rough day and he said he was sorry my day was awful. Then I lost it and I told him if he doesn't want to be with me then just tell me. No response.

Yesterday I sent a text saying that I assumed he knew what he wanted when I sent that text and it was a rough day and let's pretend that it didn't happen. And I told him to resume his time away. Was I wrong? Yes. Will it happen again? No. Did I just push him away again? Probably. All I can do now is go forward.

Sorry that you're having to go through this. But please, please remember that it is NORMAL to hurt the way you are. It is NORMAL to want him back. You love someone who doesn't feel the same way. Of course that's going to hurt.

The good news about this sort of pain? It lessens with time. I know it seems like it will never go away, but it will. Trust me. You need to work on yourself and filling the whole he left in you when he left you. Get a hobby, make new friends, do something. Anything. Even if you go in with the attitude "I'm going to take up a new hobby, then he'll think I'm over him and he'll come back," fine. Eventually that will fade and you'll start living your life with the purpose of making yourself happy, rather than doing what you can to get him back.

When my ex broke up with me, I knew he would eventually want to get back together. And I was right...it took him about a year. But by that time I had moved on. I was done. And I was SO much happier without him.

Your goal shouldn't be to get him back- it should be to be in such a place that if and when he decides he wants to be with you, you can make an intelligent, rational decision about what is best for you.

 

[Skychick]

I talked to (really texted ) him on Sunday. We are actually civil and started the ball rolling but I still need to back off and prepare that he doesn't come back.

I had time to think and I wanted an apology from him about the things he said to me while we had that awful fight so I texted him that I knew I hurt him but he said some pretty cruel things to me and words do hurt. I also said that I try not to say things to people in private that I wouldn’t say in public. He came back and said he already apologized. I said I didn’t realize he did and that’s all I wanted. So he said that he was sorry he said those things to me. I asked if he was still angry and he said he still needed space. I said ok I didn’t understand but I would give it to him. He said there was a lot more damage done than either of us realized. I said that I didn’t understand but he must realize it now or he wouldn’t have said anything. I think we can be fixed and asked what damage was done.

He said that I needed fixed for years and me suddenly realizing it does not make everything go away. I replied that I know it doesn’t make it go away but I am fixing it know. It was a medical condition and I am making progress in restoring it. It kills me to know I hurt him and it kills me to know I have been this way for so long. I can’t change it but I can only go forward and continue to be normal again. He said he was glad but fixing me doesn’t fix everything else.

I said I don’t expect to jump back into what we were. I want to start back slow. And I told him that I am scared to jump back in. I said fixing me fixes a lot and asked if we could be fixed. He said he didn’t know. If it is possible it will be a rough road, he doesn’t know. I said I thought we were worth it and I don’t think it will be as rough as he thinks. I asked him to think back before the blood clot. I haven’t been balanced since then. I know I have been difficult but I feel like a new person now. I want to start over and can’t we try?

His reply?” Yea, but he’s not sure he feels the same anymore. I said I understand he is not in love with me and I can’t expect that. But he doesn’t know that he doesn’t love me either. I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it.

So I guess it is a step in the right direction that we had a civil conversation about things. If the roles were reversed I am sure you would be telling me to forget him. All I can do is give him more space.

 

[amc80]

I said I don’t expect to jump back into what we were. I want to start back slow. And I told him that I am scared to jump back in. I said fixing me fixes a lot and asked if we could be fixed. He said he didn’t know. If it is possible it will be a rough road, he doesn’t know. I said I thought we were worth it and I don’t think it will be as rough as he thinks. I asked him to think back before the blood clot. I haven’t been balanced since then. I know I have been difficult but I feel like a new person now. I want to start over and can’t we try?

His reply?” Yea, but he’s not sure he feels the same anymore. I said I understand he is not in love with me and I can’t expect that. But he doesn’t know that he doesn’t love me either. I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it..

First, I'm glad you were able to have a seemingly rational, calm conversation with him.

Also, I don't know you, him, or your situation, so what I'm about to say is purely based on what you have said.

I think you need to listed to him. He has told you he doesn't know if it can be fixed, that he's not sure if he feels the same, and that he doesn't know if he's in love with you. I think it's awesome that you are healing yourself, but this just doesn't sound like a guy who really wants to be in a relationship with you. Now or in the future. It really, really sounds like he is just over it. You told him that you want to start back slowly and not jump in...but why does that even matter? He doesn't want to start again at all, regardless of the speed. He's made it clear that he needs space and that he doesn't want to discuss it anymore. If there is ANY chance of him wanting to be with you, you need to do just that. Leave him alone. No calls, no text. If he contacts you, you can respond, but keep it short. Give him the space he needs. And not because you think that's what will get him back, but because it is the right thing to do. It sounds like he's been checked out of the relationship for a while, and you need to understand that he may have moved on.

 

[Skychick]

I know you don't know either of us but trust me when I say that if he wanted to shut the door completely, I would know. He would say it in no uncertain words.

He was military special forces for most of his adult life. He told me that they train you that if you don't know what to do, hold your position until you figure out your next move. I believe that is what he is doing.

Yes, I am going to stop contacting him.

 

[random_thought]

I know it's hard but I agree with PP that you really do need to stop calling and texting him so much. At some point, he's going to begin to feel smothered and annoyed and then you will have really dug yourself a hole. I've been on both sides of this fence but really, you just need to back off and let the guy breathe!

 

[sonnyjane]

I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it.

Oh Sky... these sentences are just so sad to me. Please, please stop contacting him. I think he's trying to be polite about it, but he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with you right now or even discuss the possibility of being with you. I don't want to see you hurt any more than you already do, so I beg you to stop. I know you said you'll stop contacting him, so I can only hope you find the strength to do so because you are just digging a deeper hole for yourself right now. I have been in your position before with an ex and when I look back now on how I behaved, I wish I would have had more self respect and dignity. I now know that it was not a relationship worth fighting for and I am happily married to someone else now. I don't want you to have similar regrets when you look back on your actions.

 

[amc80]

I have been in your position before with an ex and when I look back now on how I behaved, I wish I would have had more self respect and dignity.

This. I'm embarrassed when I think about how I acted with my ex.

 

[afreebird]

My heart goes out to you. I think many of us have tried so hard to make a relationship work that we sometimes lose sight of ourselves. What you need to know is that making a relationship work should never be that hard. It should never be a battle. You should never be in a position where you have to "win" someone back. I found a poem (yes I'm a nerd) that really spoke to me several years ago when I was trying to get over a breakup and regain some dignity. It's got a religious bent, and I'm atheist, but I love the message of the poem. It really helped me kick myself in the pants and dust myself off. Much better things are in store for you now that you are getting healthy. I'm going to attempt to copy and paste the poem from my iPhone. Here goes:



By T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of good-bye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…………
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and
see your worth…..
LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you.
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction……
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents
LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude…..
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better……
LET IT GO!!!
I
f you’re stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him……..
LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves……
LET IT GO!!!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed………………
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying ‘take your hands off of it,’ then you need to…..
LET IT GO!!!

 

[Skychick]

Wow - I guess you guys think I am either more crazy than I am, or more torn apart. We had a civil conversation. I am not begging him to come back. I told him I understand he might not want to try again. Men cannot read minds. I told him how I feel. He keeps saying "I don't know, I'm not sure". To me that doesn't say "I never want to try again". It means he doesn't know. And when I say believe me if he wanted me out of his life, he would say it very plainly and directly.

He understands that I want to talk it out. I understand he wants his space. We compromise. We talk once every 2 weeks - he gets his space and then gives me a little "update" so to speak. Isn't comrpomise an important part of an adult relationship? Both parties have equal power? And you know what? In one of these updates I may tell him I moved on.

 

[Skychick]

I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it.

Oh Sky... these sentences are just so sad to me. Please, please stop contacting him. I think he's trying to be polite about it, but he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with you right now or even discuss the possibility of being with you. I don't want to see you hurt any more than you already do, so I beg you to stop. I know you said you'll stop contacting him, so I can only hope you find the strength to do so because you are just digging a deeper hole for yourself right now. I have been in your position before with an ex and when I look back now on how I behaved, I wish I would have had more self respect and dignity. I now know that it was not a relationship worth fighting for and I am happily married to someone else now. I don't want you to have similar regrets when you look back on your actions.

I do have self respect. Maybe you acted in a way that you should regret, but I have done nothing I regret.

 

[afreebird]

Do you have any guy friends? It sounds like you need an objective male perspective. Your ex is trying to fade out nicely, but he is done and is waiting for you to get the message. He probably is hoping your feelings will change through this process, and he won't have to deal drama. He sounds like a nice guy, but he also sounds like a guy who has moved on. I think you will see his patience start to wear thin before too long, if you keep pushing your feelings, texts, and cookie bouquets on him. Not to be mean, because I understand how you feel, but I've also been in his position. Texts, calls, and gifts after a breakup really feels stalker-ish to the person who is trying to move on. Get yourself together, get emotionally and physically healthy, and you'll be ready when another nice guy comes along. If a man truly loves you, he would do whatever he could to fix a problem in the relationship. It sounds like your ex put in the time in the past, but because of your health issues, he couldn't "fix" it. Three years is a long time; it speaks nicely of him that he tried. Do the nice thing now, and let him exit gracefully. I know it feels bad to lose someone you still want to be with, but it also sucks to be the person who is trying to break up nicely with someone who isn't getting the message.

Short and sweet, because I think you need bluntness right now, the man is done. Let the poor guy go. Guys don't need time to figure out their feelings. It's pretty simple - if he still wanted you, regardless of your past issues, there would be nothing that could get him out of your hair.

 

[janinegirly]

I know it's hard but I agree with PP that you really do need to stop calling and texting him so much. At some point, he's going to begin to feel smothered and annoyed and then you will have really dug yourself a hole. I've been on both sides of this fence but really, you just need to back off and let the guy breathe!

I'm sorry but I have to agree with this. I know it is so hard to see when you are in it but it is crystal clear as an outsider. You are clinging on to any contact and using excuses to draw him in. It is not your fault or your previous health condition - things have simply run its course and your ex is clearly sending signals, you just refuse to accept them. MOST guys are not crystal clear..this is very typical of guys..it has nothing to do with strength or military background, but men are not good at emotion and often will avoid rather than say something that will hurt. However if you continue to push and pester he will eventually be forced to be very upfront and you will feel worse - dignity is a very valuable thing! We've all been there and made mistakes, so don't beat yourself up but you can make a change NOW and back off and start accepting things. If he wants you, he will come back. But RIGHT now there is no indication of that, in fact quite the opposite. You cannot fix or beg..sometimes you need to just move on and work on yourself and making your life complete without him...go out with friends, find hobbies and eventaully you will see that this was the best thing for you. Break ups suck but clinging onto something that is long gone is worse.

 

[afreebird]

He understands that I want to talk it out. I understand he wants his space. We compromise. We talk once every 2 weeks - he gets his space and then gives me a little "update" so to speak. Isn't comrpomise an important part of an adult relationship? Both parties have equal power? And you know what? In one of these updates I may tell him I moved on.

Of course, compromise is an important part of any relationship, but I don't see how the scenario that's going on between you and your ex can be called a relationship, other than it's the end of one. And I also don't see how both parties have equal power - your ex has the power to decide if he wants to re-enter a relationship with you.

Your last sentence, "In one of these updates I may tell him I moved on," is why, if he had any desire to give it another go with you, he would be at your door, actively trying to see if there are any shreds of this relationship worth saving. Honestly, I think this is his fadeout plan - given enough time and space, YOU will want to move on, too, thus saving all the drama and fanfare of a breakup. I can understand his thinking. You don't sound like you're going to let go easily. I think the healthy thing for you to do right now is to accept the breakup, spend some time (but not too much) mourning it with icecream and retail therapy or whatever floats your boat, and move on.

I really hope you are spending time just enjoying being healthy and focusing on other areas of your life. Spend time with your friends, and just enjoy the single life for a while. Look for distractions, and before you know it, you'll be happily distracted!

 

[amc80]

Isn't comrpomise an important part of an adult relationship? Both parties have equal power?

Yes, yes it is. But you aren't in a relationship. I like a previous poster's suggestion of talking to a guy friend, if you have one. Here's the thing with guys- they are very simple. If he wanted to be with you he would be with you, end of story.

 

[sonnyjane]

I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it.

Oh Sky... these sentences are just so sad to me. Please, please stop contacting him. I think he's trying to be polite about it, but he has made it very clear that he doesn't want to be with you right now or even discuss the possibility of being with you. I don't want to see you hurt any more than you already do, so I beg you to stop. I know you said you'll stop contacting him, so I can only hope you find the strength to do so because you are just digging a deeper hole for yourself right now. I have been in your position before with an ex and when I look back now on how I behaved, I wish I would have had more self respect and dignity. I now know that it was not a relationship worth fighting for and I am happily married to someone else now. I don't want you to have similar regrets when you look back on your actions.

I do have self respect. Maybe you acted in a way that you should regret, but I have done nothing I regret.

And, if you would have asked me in the midst of that breakup, I would have told you the same thing. It took a while before I could look back and realize that it was, for lack of a better word, flat out embarrassing to try to win back someone that didn't want to be with me anymore. You've received some good advice on these boards, not because we are all clinical psychologists, but more likely because we have all been there before, or had close friends that we've seen suffer in the same situation. When I was going through that breakup, none of my friends could get through to me because I just didn't want to accept the truth. I understand that's where you are right now too, but I hope that you will not let our advice fall on deaf ears. I'm not trying to be condescending at all. I truly just want to spare you from this vicious cycle.

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Hi Skychick!

No one thinks you are crazy. We've all been there. But you are currently doing yourself NO favors if you are hoping to get back together with this man, or move forward with your life. I wish I had left some things unsaid to my ex boyfriend. I still cringe when I think about it... And everything I said was just as nice and normal as what you are saying. But he was done with the relationship and I was clinging on. It was awful for both of us.

Log off the computer and leave your cell at home. Head over to Barnes & Noble (or any book store) and buy yourself a copy of "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. He has so much great advice for this situation, including that you should stop trying to prove how great you are to this guy. He's known you for 7 years. He knows how kind, smart, funny, and beautiful you are. And he chose to walk away.

Also, deep down, in your heart of hearts, do you want to FORCE someone to be in love with you? Do you want to have a future with someone who can't hang around for better or worse?

After reading the book and having a good cry, meet up with some of your girlfriends and for coffee or cocktails. Try to not talk about your ex and attempt to have a good time. At first you'll be miserble, but after a few outings you'll start to enjoy yourself. Getting out with your friends or getting involved in your community will do you so much good.