Take me off the list

[Skychick]

Yes, I have guy friends that know both of us. They are all saying the same thing I am saying. Good luck to all of you. I will seek the advice and vent to the men that know us both.

 

[Skychick]

Hi Skychick!

No one thinks you are crazy. We've all been there. But you are currently doing yourself NO favors if you are hoping to get back together with this man, or move forward with your life. I wish I had left some things unsaid to my ex boyfriend. I still cringe when I think about it... And everything I said was just as nice and normal as what you are saying. But he was done with the relationship and I was clinging on. It was awful for both of us.

Log off the computer and leave your cell at home. Head over to Barnes & Noble (or any book store) and buy yourself a copy of "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. He has so much great advice for this situation, including that you should stop trying to prove how great you are to this guy. He's known you for 7 years. He knows how kind, smart, funny, and beautiful you are. And he chose to walk away.

Also, deep down, in your heart of hearts, do you want to FORCE someone to be in love with you? Do you want to have a future with someone who can't hang around for better or worse?

After reading the book and having a good cry, meet up with some of your girlfriends and for coffee or cocktails. Try to not talk about your ex and attempt to have a good time. At first you'll be miserble, but after a few outings you'll start to enjoy yourself. Getting out with your friends or getting involved in your community will do you so much good.

I am not begging, forcing, pleading, crying, etc. to him. Everyone on this forum has decided that I am. Maybe that is how others handle it, but that is not what is happening here. I texted him ONCE for his b-day and ONCE this past weekend. I am not harassing him. Um, he even said that it was cool. And I am not miserable. I said that in a previous post that people here think I am torn apart. But I guess you still don't believe me.

All men are not the same. People here keep putting out generalities... men aren't direct... men won't say it... men know how they feel... The man is telling me he doesn't know how he feels. He also has said that he is an individual and if you want to know what he is thinking, don't go to books or other woman because they are usually wrong.

Again. Good luck.

 

[amc80]

You are totally right- we are all using generalities to help give you advice. But what else are we supposed to do? All any of us have are our previous experiences. So when you explain your situation and someone has had a similar experience, they are going to give advice based on what they went through. All we have to go on is what you're telling us. That's it. So I'm really sorry if all of us are misinterpreting your situation, but we have no other basis to go on other than what you've told us.

 

[vintagelover229]

Ditto amc. We just want everyone to be healthy and happy and everyones path to that is different. You seem to get defensive about some of the advice given (you say you know you should leave him alone but you text him once and got him a gift and contact every once in a while but when ppl agree you shouldn't contact and should stop you get defensive and say he's cool with it, only every few weeks, etc. It's your call on if you contact him or not)

No one is judging you here. You don't need to exain or justify your actions. Just understand that the advice your being given comes from other peoples experiences and they offer other views in similar situations. Not your situation bc you are the only person who really can know what's best to do for your situation, relationship amd what's nest for you. We are just trying to be the safe sounding board you can go to and not be judged and we try and offer support the best way we can. Though our own growth from break-ups.

And I'll be the first to admit I can't believe some of the crazy stuff I did in a couple relationships of mine. Everyone has a crazy moment or two that they cringe at the thought of. You just brush yourself off, realize it wasn't the you should have handled it and try not to repeat it again.

All of this advice is in general and not aimed at you in particular.

I would like to say it takes courage to admit you didn't treat someone the way they deserved to be treated and try and change. Many ppl would just walk off and say oh well, do better next time! Bc it's easier than admitting you were in the wrong (medically caused or not...I did some not so great stuff when I was depressed).


Good luck!

 

[janinegirly]

The reaction to your situation from ladies here s based on your words. So if people interpret you as clinging, pleading, being in denial - it is because of the situation you have described. I re-read your posts -- I'm sorry to say this but repeatedly you recount how you have asked your ex if he wants to get back and he has repeatedly either said no, not now, or said nothing at all. Yet you keep asking in different ways. You keep saying you want to show him you have changed (now that hormonal condition is "fixed"). These are all forms of clinging on. You have followed him on facebook and texted him saying you wanted an apology for a previous argument These are all efforts to create need for contact. Please see the warning signs in this line you recently wrote, it speaks volumes about your situation:"I said I understand he is not in love with me and I can’t expect that. But he doesn’t know that he doesn’t love me either. I want a chance to show him I have changed and maybe he will fall in love with me again. He said that we will see – just stop asking him about it.

Again and again,..over and over...it's denial of the facts on your part and yet not one word (or action) on your ex's part to show ANY indication he wants a relationship with you. He is surprisingly consistent. The reason why we are all saying these things is because many have seen/been there and know how this typically turns out - you will keep pushing until he PUSHES you away for good and you will feel foolish! Sometimes that's what's needed though, I think people here were just hoping to spare you that last indignity. And if for some reason we are completely wrong and completely misread your situation, then he will come running after you after you've stopped contact - so there's no way to lose by taking these steps of backing off, HEARING what he is saying (his words not your interpreation through the prism of what you actually want so badly), and finding a life outside of him.

Best of luck to you too. I do hope you keep everyone posted.

 

[chemgirl]

Hi Skychick!

No one thinks you are crazy. We've all been there. But you are currently doing yourself NO favors if you are hoping to get back together with this man, or move forward with your life. I wish I had left some things unsaid to my ex boyfriend. I still cringe when I think about it... And everything I said was just as nice and normal as what you are saying. But he was done with the relationship and I was clinging on. It was awful for both of us.

Log off the computer and leave your cell at home. Head over to Barnes & Noble (or any book store) and buy yourself a copy of "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg Behrendt. He has so much great advice for this situation, including that you should stop trying to prove how great you are to this guy. He's known you for 7 years. He knows how kind, smart, funny, and beautiful you are. And he chose to walk away.

Also, deep down, in your heart of hearts, do you want to FORCE someone to be in love with you? Do you want to have a future with someone who can't hang around for better or worse?

After reading the book and having a good cry, meet up with some of your girlfriends and for coffee or cocktails. Try to not talk about your ex and attempt to have a good time. At first you'll be miserble, but after a few outings you'll start to enjoy yourself. Getting out with your friends or getting involved in your community will do you so much good.

I am not begging, forcing, pleading, crying, etc. to him. Everyone on this forum has decided that I am. Maybe that is how others handle it, but that is not what is happening here. I texted him ONCE for his b-day and ONCE this past weekend. I am not harassing him. Um, he even said that it was cool. And I am not miserable. I said that in a previous post that people here think I am torn apart. But I guess you still don't believe me.

All men are not the same. People here keep putting out generalities... men aren't direct... men won't say it... men know how they feel... The man is telling me he doesn't know how he feels. He also has said that he is an individual and if you want to know what he is thinking, don't go to books or other woman because they are usually wrong.

Again. Good luck.

You probably not going to read this, but here it goes...

I think a lot of the women aren't suggesting that you're begging or crying or making scenes with him. The main issue is that he said he wanted space and that you're not together right now. He wants time on his own and you are stepping back in to his life with texts and the birthday present. If things work out, then great, but if they don't, these conversations with him might be painfull for you to look back on. I think most ladies here are just trying to help you realize that he knows how you feel, he knows how to reach you, and he will let you know if he wants to move forward with you. Its a matter of balance. If you're the one always contacting him its not so great for either of you (he's not getting his space and it can't feel good to be the one always initiating conversation). He sounds like a good guy who's trying to make the best of a bad situation. It sounds like a confusing situation for both of you with all of the medical stuff throwing everything off. I don't doubt that he has a lot of thinking to do to figure out how to go from here. The bottom line is that pushing contact on him isn't going to help right now.

You're in a limbo that could go on for a while. I think most of the ladies here are just suggesting that you leave things alone for a while and find something to distract yourself (I went to vegas after my worst breakup woot!). He'll come to you if he decides he wants to be with you. If he is finished with the relationship, then you need to prepare yourself for that.

 

[blacksand]

Assuming you have interpreted the situation correctly, and he simply isn't sure what he wants and is trying to make up his mind, one thing is stil clear: he has said that he doesn't want to talk about this. There is no "compromise" on that. You either respect his wishes or you don't. And if I'm being completely honest, texting him to ask him to apologize to you seems like a huge step in the wrong direction. I thought you were the one trying to show him that you were sorry? Anyway, if he says he was cool with that, fine, it just seems counter to what you are trying to show him. More to the point, my thinking is, if he doesn't know whether he loves you, doesn't know if he wants to be with you, doesn't know what he wants, then you deserve better. I understand the relationship was complicated, I understand you feel that you can do better and you want a chance to do so, but honestly, do you really want to be in a relationship where you need to prove yourself? Prove that you're better now, that you're good enough? Don't you want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally and unwaveringly? Someone who brings out the best in you naturally, someone who understands when you're not yourself, stands by you, and helps you get the help you need? It doesn't sound like he has done any of those things for you. So yes, you may be right that he is still deciding his next move, it may indeed be that he is considering moving back into a relationship with you, but if that is the case, you should likewise be considering whether the relationship is good for you. I know for a fact that it is possible to find someone who loves you unconditionally, and I wish nothing less for you.

 

[Skychick]

I don't think I am getting defensive, I am just saying he said it was cool. I guess I was upset that everyone seemed to not listen to what I was saying, just jumping on the bandwagon that I am in the same situation they may have been in without really lookng at this particular situation. He loves me, I know that. He needs to think about how he has felt for the past 3 years and UNDERSTAND it was a medical issue. That does take some sorting out in anyone's head.

He is a rather strange bird as am I. We don't fit the general stereotypes. We have a very unique relationship - as to why my guy friends that knopw us both think the way I do.

I'll let everyone know if and when I am ready to be put back on the list.

 

[amc80]

He loves me, I know that.

How do you know that if he doesn't even know that?

 

[OUpearlgirl]

I don't think I am getting defensive, I am just saying he said it was cool. I guess I was upset that everyone seemed to not listen to what I was saying, just jumping on the bandwagon that I am in the same situation they may have been in without really lookng at this particular situation. He loves me, I know that. He needs to think about how he has felt for the past 3 years and UNDERSTAND it was a medical issue. That does take some sorting out in anyone's head.

He is a rather strange bird as am I. We don't fit the general stereotypes. We have a very unique relationship - as to why my guy friends that knopw us both think the way I do.

I'll let everyone know if and when I am ready to be put back on the list.

You are being defensive.. And who knows, maybe we are all wrong. All I'm saying, is when my ex broke up with me he "loved" me. He was confused and needed time to think. We were fighting a lot. I wanted to prove to him how mature I was and how much better I could be. Just. Like. You. I wasn't begging, pleading, and crying. I'd go many days without talking to him. I would do many of the things that you are doing. Looking back I am embarassed because he was not interested. I'm sure annoyed the crap out of him!

And I ignored the advice of friends because they were generalizing things. They didn't completely understand us or know our situation. We broke up in October and things dragged on until the day after Christmas. He never figured it out and eventually I moved on.

I think you deserve so much better than someone who would leave you during a tough time. You deserve someone who would have understood it was a medical issue all along.

His saying not now means that you need to start moving on. The book I recommended for you gives great advice for how to move forward and what you shouldn't be doing for your OWN sake.

I hope you take to heart the advice the other people are offering you, because there is wisdom to it.

 

[afreebird]

He needs to think about how he has felt for the past 3 years and UNDERSTAND it was a medical issue. That does take some sorting out in anyone's head.

I will keep my fingers crossed for you. But honestly, even if he is willing to agree that the root of the problems was caused by your medical issues, you can't force him back into love with you. Sometimes when a person is done, they are simply DONE. Think of the times you have fallen out of love with someone; were you able to fall in love with them again simply because they wanted you to so badly? And why do you want someone who isn't sure if he wants you, as you stated in a previous post?

Both your ex and you deserve a clean slate, and I don't think you're going to be able to get that with each other. I'm not really buying into the idea that he just needs some time away from you before he's ready to come back. I'm going to make a general statement here and say it again, guys are not that complicated. And it's a generality because it's generally true. If he wants you, he would know it, and he would let you know it. If he still wanted the relationship, he would be by your side, telling you how happy he was that this was all one big medical mixup. I feel like I am being mean to you, but I think you need a mental kick in the britches. From what you have described, this sounds like a guy who is sick of your $h!t and has mentally and emotionally left the building.

Like another poster said, we're trying to help you see it outside of your own perspective. I think most of us in here have been in more than one relationship. That means at some point, we have some experience with relationships that have ended, whether it's been a mutual breakup, one that we've had a hard time letting go of, or one where we have been in your ex's shoes and have had to shake off an ex in a compassionate and kind way before having to get a little firmer and more direct. One day you'll meet the guy who is right for you, and he won't want you to give him any space! My husband drags me to the Home Depot and Lowe's with him on weekends when he's projecting around the house because he wants my company, even when I'm bitching at him for making me go look at plumbing and water filters! Let this guy go. If he ends up wanting to come back to you, great. Worry about your relationship then. But right now, it seems like the point is moot.

 

[Skychick]

Yeah, I 'm done with this thread. Again, I am being told that I am "forcing" him to be with me. I guess I just can't vent.

 

[amc80]

Yeah, I 'm done with this thread. Again, I am being told that I am "forcing" him to be with me. I guess I just can't vent.

I've read the entire thread and I don't think anyone has said you are forcing him to be with you. Most of the comments have been geared your inability to see the situation for what it is, based on what you have told us.

 

[Skychick]

Yeah, I 'm done with this thread. Again, I am being told that I am "forcing" him to be with me. I guess I just can't vent.

I've read the entire thread and I don't think anyone has said you are forcing him to be with you. Most of the comments have been geared your inability to see the situation for what it is, based on what you have told us.

Really? Go back and read how many posts have the word "force" in them... Just sayin

 

[OUpearlgirl]

Yeah, I 'm done with this thread. Again, I am being told that I am "forcing" him to be with me. I guess I just can't vent.

I've read the entire thread and I don't think anyone has said you are forcing him to be with you. Most of the comments have been geared your inability to see the situation for what it is, based on what you have told us.

Really? Go back and read how many posts have the word "force" in them... Just sayin

Welp, sorry we all ticked you off. Everyone here has your best intentions at heart. And I hope for you that we are all way off base here, but I don't think we are.

Good luck to you, no matter what happens.

 

[afreebird]

Yeah, I 'm done with this thread. Again, I am being told that I am "forcing" him to be with me. I guess I just can't vent.

Yikes, girl. This is probably the kind of reaction that pushed your ex away. I don't think anyone accused you of "forcing him" to do anything. I think I may have said that you can't force someone to fall in love with you, but I was simply trying to say that it sounds like he's done, and that there's nothing a person can do to change that. Not texts, not explanations of past behavior, and not bday gifts.

Anyway, sorry about your breakup. I hope things work out the way you would like them to.

Peace out.

 

[Allison D.]

SC, I know you want the chance to show him you've changed, and I can certainly understand that. I don't think that will address his concerns, though.

The fact that you had a chemical imbalance explains (and maybe even somewhat mitigates) the *why* behind the bad behaviors/arguing/ill treatment. Showing him you've changed would cover the "will it happen again" concerns. But, it can't erase how he feels about what's already happened or the damage it's caused. He has to work through that, which he's told you (I need to process, just because things are fixed doesn't take away what already happened.)

When you were the person he initially fell in love with, you were the person he had no negative history with, and you can't ever go back to that place. HE has to figure out if he can reconcile his feelings about what's happened to try again, and there isn't anything you can really do or say to help him do that.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

SC, I know you want the chance to show him you've changed, and I can certainly understand that. I don't think that will address his concerns, though.

The fact that you had a chemical imbalance explains (and maybe even somewhat mitigates) the *why* behind the bad behaviors/arguing/ill treatment. Showing him you've changed would cover the "will it happen again" concerns. But, it can't erase how he feels about what's already happened or the damage it's caused. He has to work through that, which he's told you (I need to process, just because things are fixed doesn't take away what already happened.)

When you were the person he initially fell in love with, you were the person he had no negative history with, and you can't ever go back to that place. HE has to figure out if he can reconcile his feelings about what's happened to try again, and there isn't anything you can really do or say to help him do that.

Did you hear that? What was that? Oh yeah...that was the sound of hitting the nail on the head.

You can't undo what's been done, you can't just forget and forgiveness is choice. His to make, not yours. Back off and let him breathe.

 

[Treasure43]

I'm not going to get into all of back and forth that's gone on. I simply wanted to share my story with you. I'm not saying it's yours as you and I are different people, as are our ex BFs. When I was 20, I was dating a man who I was completely in love with. However, unknown to me, I was struggling with clinical depression at the time. I became moody, snappy, and BF and I were arguing ALL the time. Finally he broke up with me and I gave him the space he wanted but made it clear that I wanted to get back together with him in the future. Like you, being on meds changed me 100% and I wanted him to realize I was a different person and I wanted him to fall back in love with me. Because I knew he loved me, but he wasn't sure he was "in love" with me anymore. After some back and forth, I finally realized we both needed a clean slate. He couldn't forget the arguments and I think a part of me resented the fact that he left me during such a tough time. Fast forward a few years later, and I met DH who has stuck with me through some very tough times (first job, losing my job, having anxiety, etc). And what I've learned? DH won't leave when things get tough. Because I'm important enough to him and he loves me enough to stick with it. Every woman deserves a man who will stick with her when times get tough. Because life CAN get really tough, as we all know. And it's all about having someone to lean on.

Take me story or leave it. It may not apply in any way to you. But know this, I know how much this situation sucks sucks SUCKS! I know how much you want to prove yourself to him because I've been there. Sometimes things just take time.....and sometimes we don't get what we want because there's something better out there. You're in my thoughts because I know how heartbreaking this situation can be.

And the girls on here? They're awesome! They're honestly just telling you what they think and trying to spare you any pain that they themselves have gone through.

 

[Skychick]

You are correct. At this moment I don't resent him because he left. I know how I have been lately and I know everyone has their breaking point. That might change and I might resent him. Who knows? And maybe he can't get over the arguments either. All he says is that he doesn't want to talk about the past anymore. He wants to be friends and talk about the future. I told him it's not what I want but I will let him go. That's all I can do.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

The hardest part of breaking up is the acceptance. It's not an instantaneous thing either, it comes slowly. I hope things get better for you in the future.

 

[Skychick]

Thanks - things will get better in the future. They already are. I went to my first counseling appointment last week and it has helped. I need to work on me and I would like it very much if he was a part of my life. Even the therapist says that she doesn't think it is over yet either. But, if he isn't in my life anymore than that will be okay too.

I learned that I am going through the stages of grief that people go through when they are diagnosed with a fatal illness and I got stuck in anger. My hormones made it all worse. When I got the blood clot all the doctors said I had to potential to die instantly if it broke off and traveled into my lungs. And when normal people found out about the clot, the first thing they said was "Wow, you can die from that.". Yeah, I know. I don't need everyone reminding me...

What's really hard is that I want to call him and tell him that I learned what my problem is and now I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.

But now I am healthy and I need to adjust my thinking to match. And now I am the one thinking that we may never be able to be more than friends. I don't know if I could open my hear back up to him again.

 

[GamerGirl]

I'm glad you got so much out of your first session! I really felt a lot better after my first session too - even if it was just me telling the story and getting "homework" for the next session.

It sounds like you are really taking a step forward and I am so glad for you -- working on ourselves and getting to a place where we are happy with or without the Ex is the best plan. Someone posted a message on facebook the other day that was something along the lines of "You shouldn't rely on a man to make your life better, happier or more satisfying - you should make your own life those things and then when the right man comes along he will fit right in to that great life you have created" for whatever reason that really spoke to me -- I think because I have been mourning the loss of this great life I thought I had and I needed something to kick me in the butt to get started on making my life great for ME now.

we will get there