So confused, unsure, and aggrivated (long, sorry..need to get it out)

[sweetliloldme]

Your right on the interpretation, but like I said I''ve known for a while (when we decided to buy the house) that he may give the ring to his mother. My point is that he is eventually going to have to pay her back the money that she lent him, or pay money to buy me a ring. After I told him that she wouldn''t mind if he traded it in to get me one is when he told me not to worry about it.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/2/2009 1:29:29 PM
Author: Inanna
Sweetlil, he''s not still in debt for the ring from the previous engagement is he? Did you JUST find out that he''s giving the ring to his mother to pay her back for your house down-payment? Sounds like you both need to keep working on communicating, especially if you''re just now finding out that the ring CANNOT be traded in.

I don''t consider ''Don''t worry about it...'' an answer to anything. I guess he can just say whatever he wants and you''ll accept it

I''m pretty much in full agreement with Purrfect Pear.

I couldn''t agree more. Unless you specifically stated your wants in needs in that conversation (i.e. it means a lot to me that we''re engaged in the next year and married in the next 3 years or whatever) then ''Don''t worry about it'' sounds like a brush off to me. Personally, I would never just let a conversation die with that statement because I''m not getting the answers I need. Do you honestly feel any more comfortable with your situation after having that conversation??

I''m also wondering how important it is that you have a diamond ring?...if money is the real issue then your answer could simplify or delay the process.

 

[mrscushion]

Yeah, I don''t think "don''t worry about it" is a sufficient answer at all. I''m sorry that this is going on. I hope you get what you want.

 

[Guilty Pleasure]

Personally, I commend the man for realizing that paying his debt to his parents who helped him buy a nice place to live for his child is more important than buying a luxury item such as a diamond ring.

Paying a debt is more important than buying a ring, no matter to whom that debt is owed. Yes, you could be married for the cost of a lisence right now. Or you could be engaged with an inexpensive James Avery ring or no ring at all. Or you could not be engaged and save up for everything with the big ring and engagement and the big wedding. Personally, I'm not sure I see the point of waiting for marriage when you have a child just because you want the big expensive wedding, but that's my own view.

 

[sweetliloldme]

Yes, I did specify what I want. I said that I do not want to wait forever to get married, and am willing want to be engaged for at least a year. That way we could save up for what we want. After everything that I said, that was the answer that I got. I even brought it up again over dinner. I said I know you siad that I shouldn''t worry, but I really don''t want to have to wait forever. He said that I am impatient, and not to worry about it again. I don''t like letting the conversation end like that either, but I''m not going to beg him to propose to me. I have clearly stated what I wanted and how he can go about doing it (I''ve also negated his counterarguments) so what else am I supposed to do. No, I don''t feel any better about it, but like I said I''m not going to beg him. At least now, my needs are clear and on the table.

 

[sweetliloldme]

No, I don''t need a big diamond ring. I would like a ring, but never asked it to be $10K. He chose to spend that for his ex-fiance because that is what she wanted, and all that I suggested that he trade it in for one for me because he doesn''t want to lose thousands of dollars by selling it. I would be perfectly happy with trading it in for a simpler ring and using the difference for the wedding. I have said to him that an expensive ring is not what means a lot to me. On the contrary, I said that being engaged and having that commitment to each other and saving for our wedding, which doesn''t have to be huge, but we have discussed that we want our family to be a part of it)is what means the most.

 

[sweetliloldme]

He got his results from the bar exam today. He didn''t pass. He''s going to have to take it again in July. Were really not getting engaged anytime soon now...

 

[choro72]

I'm sorry about the bar exam. I'll be crossing my fingers for you for the next one.
ETA, eh, thinking more about it, my suggestion sucks for what you guys want so I deleted it.

 

[tlh]

I missed the part about the debt to the mother and him handing her the ring as repayment w/ my post before. I am sorry if I was too quick to blow up the balloon.

I am sorry your man didn''t pass the bar and you may not be engaged anytime soon. But I think that this is a product of your own creation. You could be married right now. For a couple hundred dollars... a civil ceremony and a couple of bands. You are CHOOSING that this is not what either of you want. I would just take a deep breath... and support your SO as he studies again and prepares for the next bar.

I''d check the local laws... 7 years and living in the same house, and you could be married... by technicality. But I''d look at what you have. A house, a man that loves you, and a beautiful baby. There are a lot of women out there who would love to have children, and would pay THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS to have one, and still aren''t able. Many others would love to be able to afford their home, buy a home, or stay in their home. You may not have a piece of paper or a piece of jewelry - or a big pomp and circumstance wedding... but you are currently living many women''s fantasy dream life. Cherish the things you have.

 

[risingsun]

You can be married without an engagement ring or a lavish wedding. After reading your posts, I think you are sending him mixed messages: I really want to be married, but I can wait for marriage and an engagement. You have a child together. I think that getting married sooner--rather than later--might be a priority. At least it would be for me.

ETA: I also think that he is sending you mixed messages. It can get to a point where the "surprise" element is no longer welcome or charming as an excuse