So confused, unsure, and aggrivated (long, sorry..need to get it out)

[sweetliloldme]

Hi ladies,

I''ve been reading for a while, and I finially decided that I should, or need to ask for help. I''ve been driving myself crazy and I don''t know what to do. My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. We have a five month old daughter together, and a house that we just baught ( i know what your thinking, what? a five month old and you were only together for 2 years? but we knew early on in the relationship that we were very serious). He just took the bar about a month ago and will recieve the results in a few weeks. I am working on my degree, but am very good at multitasking. I am so annoyed and beginning to quesation our realtionship because I''m tired of guessing when we will get married. We have always talked about it like, "When we get married..." but I don''t know what that is going to be, and I want it to be now. We have so much together, and I''m tired of playing the part without the roll. It doesn''t seem fair to me. I cook, clean, do laundry, pay and contribute to bills, and everything in between and quite frankly, I feel that it is going unwarrented. (Obviously only been having these thoughts for a couple of months)

So recently, I have come to the point where I am questioning his motives. What the hell is he waiting for? He was engadged before ( he only knew the girl for a couple months by the way, and then she broke up with him) so i don''t know if he''s afraid or what. so i came out and asked him, and he said it is because of money, we can''t afford to get married. w/e a marriage liscense is only $75, but I know what he means because I know the kind of wedding that we both want. So no, we can''t afford a big wedding right now, but we could save for it. And it doesn''t cose anything to get engadged since he already has a $10,000 ring that he can trade in.

So I need some advice, what do you guys think? Am I being irrational, should I not bring it up again, I don''t know what to do. How long am I supposed to wait?

 

[JulieN]

Welcome to PS!

Ok, you were the one that brought up irrationality, so now I''m in rational mode:

I think he can''t afford to breakup with you. I''m not saying he wants to. I''m just saying he can''t afford to breakup with you. That is, he has a strong incentive to keep you happy. Thus, I would not worry about his motives. I would just concentrate on being happy.

I think you could easily strong arm him into engagement if you wanted to. But don''t, for so many reasons.

Conclusion: I wouldn''t worry about his motives. Don''t nag him about it. And be happy.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Oh boy. What a tough situation. Couldn''t you get married at the court house for NOW and then renew your vows in the years to come with an actual wedding that you can invite your family and friends to? That way you could be married now but have the wedding you want LATER....

 

[sweetliloldme]

Hi Julie!

Thanks for replying, but I''m not afraid that he''s gonna break up with me. I am very secure with our realtionship, I''m just afraid that he''s never going to do it because he''s too comfortable with the way things are.

 

[sweetliloldme]

Exactly, but I didn''t say anything like that because I don''t think that I should have to pressure him or convince him to get married. He says that he does, so if he really wanted to he wouldn''t care how it had to be. I don''t know if that''s an excuse to stall or what.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I'd honestly have a sit down chat with him to let him know where you stand and that you'd like to get married being that you have a child together and a home. It could very well be that he is too comfortable but you've got to put your foot down and tell him you've discussed marriage in the past and does he still feel that way about it or what! Sometimes guys do need a little shove...

 

[fieryred33143]

Why are you worried about the pressure he''ll feel if you say you just want to have a quick ceremony?

I don''t buy the finances talk. Babies are expensive. Being pregnant, delivery, getting everything you need, and all the stuff that comes with the baby after delivery is not a couple of hundreds. A $75 marriage license is about a fifth of the cost of a crib.

I understand the desire to have a big wedding but sometimes life throws you in a different direction and you readjust. You need to speak with him and not be afraid of what his reaction will be. If you are secure that you will not be breaking up, then have the conversation with him.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m amazed that you''re irritated more about the cooking & cleaning that you do as an unmarried GF, and not about the fact that he didn''t marry you before the baby was born

He thinks he can''t afford to get married, but he could afford to impregnate you

 

[Bia]

If you continue to make things ''comfortable'' for him he might not have a reason to make moves. He also might not be ready at two years (I certainly wasn''t), so consider that a strong possibility. Try having an adult conversation about your plans. Talk to him and ask him what his intentions are. If it is marriage, ask him when he intends on taking that step because you''re not willing to wait much longer (if that''s how you feel of course). Don''t threaten because that won''t work.

I don''t have children, so I imagine it would complicate matters quite a bit.

By the way, Welcome to PS!

 

[sweetliloldme]

I know, and I feel the same way. See, my daughter was unexpected, but we both eventually wanted kids anyway so it wasn''t a big deal at all. As far as having the conversation with him, when we did and I got the money BS it was only a few days ago, and like I said I don''t want to feel like I''m pressuring him into it. Do you think that I would be if I brought it up again?

 

[wishinpink]

I feel like if he already has a 10,000 engagement ring he could possibly trade up, maybe ask him if he could at least take the 1st step and give you a ring?

Also, you could just do as previously suggested the courthouse marriage- and then a renewal later on?

 

[Dreamgirl]

Maybe the guy needs pressure to take the next step because to him, everything is honkey-dorey right now so why change it? You''ve got to have this talk with him. If it''s important to you and you want to be married you''ve got to express that and see what happens after that...

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/1/2009 1:54:22 PM
Author: rosebud10
I feel like if he already has a 10,000 engagement ring he could possibly trade up

OH GOOD POINT! I''d tell him that...(in a nice way of course)

And even if you dont want a ring that cost that much, have him sell that other one, get you SOMETHING and use some of the leftover money for a small ceremony?

 

[sweetliloldme]

We have had that convo, and we both do want to get married, it''s just a matter of when. That''s the problem. I have brought it up, but he doesn''t respond. Trust me I am very open, honest, and frank. LOL. Thats why I don''t know what more I can do.

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/1/2009 1:53:47 PM
Author: sweetliloldme
I know, and I feel the same way. See, my daughter was unexpected, but we both eventually wanted kids anyway so it wasn''t a big deal at all. As far as having the conversation with him, when we did and I got the money BS it was only a few days ago, and like I said I don''t want to feel like I''m pressuring him into it. Do you think that I would be if I brought it up again?

See, your situation is so different, it''s hard to say.

I know that if I got pregnant, by surprise, FI (even when he was just BF) would marry me on the spot, because ultimately that''s where we were headed anyway. We actually had this discussion the other day. I asked him if he would be happy if I got unexpectedly pregnant right now. He said, "Yes. We''d just get married tomorrow instead of next year, and have a baby." So, that''s HIS priority. His idea of a family is to be married.

Your FI seems less concerned with getting married. BUT there could be a lot of reasons. Maybe he''s just not ready to make that commitment, and views having a baby with you differently then committing to spend his life with you (I don''t know, I''m just throwing some ideas out there). OR maybe he thinks he needs to be more financially stable so he can have the big wedding. Honestly I could sit here and guess all day. You need to talk him about what your needs are. If you want to be married and he doesn''t, then you make your decisions. At this point, being coy is pointless because you have a baby already...so if he doesn''t want to "hear it," OH WELL!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Well then pick a date and tell him that you are getting married on that day! Maybe he''s just lazy about it and you''ve got to take the matters into your own hands. Just decide how you are going to go about the wedding if it be at the court house, or selling that dreaded ring he is holding to have another ceremony...

Being that you have a child together! For gods sake! Tell him it''s time!

 

[Inanna]

Two years is really not that long of a relationship, so in most situations its not necessarily a point to start expecting a proposal... and normally I always say don''t pressure him.

BUT you have a child together. That changes everything! THAT is a lifelong commitment and it bothers me that he hasn''t yet made the commitment of marriage to you if he really, honestly does see you as his future wife. I certainly would not want to have all of the responsibilities of a wife and MOTHER OF HIS CHILD and still be known as ''the girlfriend.'' That would be absolutely unacceptable for me.

 

[sweetliloldme]

..I love the way that you ladies think

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Sweetliloldme - we understand your frustration, as many of us have been there many times over. You have every right to ask questions about the timeline, since you have a child involved.

While I was reading your post, I had to pause for a moment to make sure you weren't my sister!!!!

My sister met her boyfriend/soon to be husband on my wedding day (MOH and BM situation). So, they've been together a total of 3 years and 1 month. They also have a now almost 10 month old daughter, and they have been in their house for about 18 months. They chose to build a house over getting engaged/getting married at the time, and timing sort of threw their plans out of alignment.

They chose to not get married prior to the birth of their daughter for 2 reasons - 1) they wanted to have time to plan a nice wedding, even if it's not the most extravagent event, and 2) they didn't want their daughter to *know* that she was the reason they got married. I understand that reasoning.

They started planning a wedding for June of this year, but the thing is, her FI didn't have the advantage of a store credit for an engagement ring, and ended up trading his beloved motorcycle for a ring a friend of mine was selling.

Something tells me your BF is just having growing pains from all of the major changes in your lives recently, and engagement is the one thing he can control. He has the means to get engaged, but he's just not there yet for some reason. I think, were I you, I would rationally state my case, listing the reasons why legally, he's already bound to you (house/child), and how the sentiment behind engagement/marriage is important to you, and you would ultimately like to see that happen within a reasonable number of weeks/months/years. Then, I wouldn't bug him about it. The more you bug men about proposing, the less likely they are to propose.

I wish you luck! Your situation is difficult, but not impossible!

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m not going to put you down for having a baby before marriage because that would be extremely hypocritical of me given my own situation.

What I will say though is that now is not the time to bite your tongue. Even though its only been a 2 year relationship, you both made it a lifetime commitment when you decided to have a child together (unplanned or not, its still a choice/decision). You need to be able to tell him exactly what you are feeling and he needs to be able to hear it. And if after that conversation you both decide to wait a little longer, there''s nothing wrong with that (we had that conversation and both decided that going to the courthouse and getting a license is not what we want). But he should not be making that kind of a decision for the three of you alone.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/1/2009 2:09:19 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m not going to put you down for having a baby before marriage because that would be extremely hypocritical of me given my own situation.

What I will say though is that now is not the time to bite your tongue. Even though its only been a 2 year relationship, you both made it a lifetime commitment when you decided to have a child together (unplanned or not, its still a choice/decision). You need to be able to tell him exactly what you are feeling and he needs to be able to hear it. And if after that conversation you both decide to wait a little longer, there''s nothing wrong with that (we had that conversation and both decided that going to the courthouse and getting a license is not what we want). But he should not be making that kind of a decision for the three of you alone.

Yeah exactly!

 

[sweetliloldme]

Thanks for the help girls. You''re right, as the mother of his child, and the love of his life he should want to and should have done it already. This is why I am upset and PO.

 

[misskitty]

Date: 4/1/2009 1:54:22 PM
Author: rosebud10
I feel like if he already has a 10,000 engagement ring he could possibly trade up, maybe ask him if he could at least take the 1st step and give you a ring?

I was thinking this, too. Re: the money being an issue, have you brought up the fact that he could trade the other ring without it being too much of an additional expense, and that the symbol of commitment is important to you even if you might have a longer engagement while you save up?

 

[Bia]

Money is not the why. When someone wants to do something, they find a way. It doesn't cost $10k to ask the love of your life to marry you, and make it official.

Sorry, but that's how I feel.

Talk to him sweetlil. He needs an awakening. Think of yourself and your baby.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/1/2009 2:16:44 PM
Author: sweetliloldme
Thanks for the help girls. You''re right, as the mother of his child, and the love of his life he should want to and should have done it already. This is why I am upset and PO.

Well, based on your posts, it sounds like the two of you made a conscious decision together to not get married before your daughter was born or before buying a house. Maybe I''m wrong, but we don''t have any of the details so I can only assume that the two of you had conversations that sounded like, "No, we should do this and this before that and that." With that said, I don''t think it''s fair to be POed at your BF for not having proposed already if you both made decisions to do otherwise. Now, with a house and a baby, it''s understandable that he''s overwhelmed and is feeling financial constraints. I''m not in his side, I just don''t think he (or any and every guy) iis a mindreader, you know?

You also haven''t mentioned any discussion about timelines. You mentioned yourself that things were fine up until a few months ago when you realized that you didn''t have commitment you needed from your BF. I agree with everyone that''s said that you need to sit down, calmly explain your needs, and compromise on a timeline save for a wedding, go to the courthouse, etc. etc.

 

[sweetliloldme]

No, we really didn''t make decisions that we didn''t have to. When I got pregnant we lived in a 1 BR apartment, and we both knew that we needed a bigger space. I wanted a house, so we bought one. At that point, marriage wasn''t brought up because I already knew that I didn''t want to get married while I was pregnant. I don''t expect him to be a mindreader, which is why I brought it up as soon as I started thinking about it, and he said we couldn''t afford it. I have had talks with him, but I think you guys are right; I need to have another one, and focus on plans and what we both want, not just a general discussion.

 

[sweetliloldme]

No, it hadn''t thought of it. But I think it''s a great idea; thats what I''ll do on our drive home from work. Im excited =].

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/1/2009 3:00:47 PM
Author: sweetliloldme
No, it hadn''t thought of it. But I think it''s a great idea; thats what I''ll do on our drive home from work. Im excited =].

Hope it goes well for you!!

Mommies make too many sacrifices as it is. If you want a wedding/marriage, you deserve to get one

 

[tlh]

I also hope your talk goes well. You said that you WANT a big wedding and he knows that. That would be the only reason he is waiting. He''s bought a house with you, he''s made a baby with you, and he''s staying with you to help you raise this child. For all intents and purposes you are ALREADY MARRIED in his eyes... just w/o the bells whistles and the paperwork.

Read your words. "I wanted a house, so we bought one." So he is giving you waht you want.
"w/e a marriage liscense is only $75, but I know what he means because I know the kind of wedding that we both want."

So as far as your man is concerned... you just don''t have the money for a party. No halfsies. When you get married.. full stops. You are giving the man conflicting signals. I gaurantee he already sees you as a family, as man and wife... you''re just a piece of paper away.. a technicality. I don''t think he wants you to compromise with what you want because of a life curveball.

You''ll need to think about what you want... and either wait... or adjust your expectations.. and go with the flow. Your guy sounds really great to me. Re read your words. I don''t see a problem here.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I hope it works out for you!