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So confused, unsure, and aggrivated (long, sorry..need to get it out)

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sweetliloldme

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So I just talked to my cousin (who knows any and everything there is to know about me, and also my 2nd best friend, my BF is my 1st) to ask her what she thought, and to tell her what I was going to say. She thinks that I shouldn''t because he had a talk with her right after my daughter was born about trading the ring in to get me one. At least now I know that he is or was thinking about it. I feel alot better.

But that was 5 months ago? Should I still say something, or leave it up to him?
 

Dreamgirl

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I'd still say something. Relationships are all about honesty afterall! It's possible that he could be working on it. But in your situation, again, I'd still say something.
 

Guilty Pleasure

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I would still talk to him. Chatting about it with a a friend is not the same as doing it, and five months is long enough to turn a thought into a reality if he was serious back then. Life may have just gotten in the way. My sister''s boyfriend had a chat with my family at Christmas dinner about marrying my sister... Christmas 2007. He had a chat with me about rings shortly after I got engaged... last October. They are still not engaged. Chit chat is not a plan, so just have a conversation with him to put it back on the table.
 

fieryred33143

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Date: 4/1/2009 3:55:51 PM
Author: sweetliloldme
So I just talked to my cousin (who knows any and everything there is to know about me, and also my 2nd best friend, my BF is my 1st) to ask her what she thought, and to tell her what I was going to say. She thinks that I shouldn''t because he had a talk with her right after my daughter was born about trading the ring in to get me one. At least now I know that he is or was thinking about it. I feel alot better.

But that was 5 months ago? Should I still say something, or leave it up to him?
Depends on the type of conversation he had with your cousin.

See, if we weren''t engaged and my cousin had a conversation with him right after our daughter is born it would most likely go like this:

Her: So what''s up you knock up my cousin and don''t plan on marrying her? What''s going on with that *wink wink nudge nudge*
Him feeling incredibly awkward: No I want to marry her. Of course I do.
Her: Yeah but when
Him: Um, well I have a ring that I need to trade in to get her a nice one.

So in that case I would still have the conversation with him.

I''m not saying that''s how the convo went between your boyfriend and your cousin but I would ask her to be very clear as to the tone of that conversation, who initiated it, did she put him in an awkward situtation, etc.
 

sweetliloldme

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I know, that''s what I was thinking, but she said that she didn''t remember because it was too long ago. And she also said that she didn''t tell me sooner because she didn''t want to ruin the suprise for me.
 

purrfectpear

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Personally I would tell him that your plans about having a big expensive wedding have changed. I would talk to him about selling the ring he has (hopefully get around $6K for it?) and then the two of you use the money to plan a small intimate affordable wedding. Pick out a modest ring, a modest dress and have a small party.

You can always have a big ring, and a big vow renewal in another 5 years when you guys have had a chance to save more money.

At least this plan will get you both married
36.gif


If he''s still thinking you need an upgrade from the existing $10K ring he has, PLUS a big wedding to pay for, he''ll never be ready.
 

caribqueen

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I think the ladies here have given some really great advice. Don't wait another second - it is definitely time to have the talk with your BF. You should never feel hesitant to talk to your SO about what's on your mind.

I personally would not have bought a home with a guy unless there was a ring on my finger and/or I knew for sure he was headed in the same direction as far as marriage. You cannot go back, you can only move forward from here and now's the time to put your expectations on the table.

I do think that if he doesn't say what you need to here or what is reasonable, you should be prepared to move on. I do believe in doing the best for your child, but if the father is not willing to be a man and marry you then you can find someone else who'd be happy to take care of you AND your daughter.

All the best.
 

tlh

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Life is what happens when you are busy making plans. PP makes a great point. He could sell that ring taking a hit, you'd get a wedding and be married. Sometimes to get the things you want... you just need to make steps forward.
 

jcarlylew

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Date: 4/1/2009 2:06:25 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Sweetliloldme - we understand your frustration, as many of us have been there many times over. You have every right to ask questions about the timeline, since you have a child involved.

While I was reading your post, I had to pause for a moment to make sure you weren''t my sister!!!!

My sister met her boyfriend/soon to be husband on my wedding day (MOH and BM situation). So, they''ve been together a total of 3 years and 1 month. They also have a now almost 10 month old daughter, and they have been in their house for about 18 months. They chose to build a house over getting engaged/getting married at the time, and timing sort of threw their plans out of alignment.

They chose to not get married prior to the birth of their daughter for 2 reasons - 1) they wanted to have time to plan a nice wedding, even if it''s not the most extravagent event, and 2) they didn''t want their daughter to *know* that she was the reason they got married. I understand that reasoning.

They started planning a wedding for June of this year, but the thing is, her FI didn''t have the advantage of a store credit for an engagement ring, and ended up trading his beloved motorcycle for a ring a friend of mine was selling.

Something tells me your BF is just having growing pains from all of the major changes in your lives recently, and engagement is the one thing he can control. He has the means to get engaged, but he''s just not there yet for some reason. I think, were I you, I would rationally state my case, listing the reasons why legally, he''s already bound to you (house/child), and how the sentiment behind engagement/marriage is important to you, and you would ultimately like to see that happen within a reasonable number of weeks/months/years. Then, I wouldn''t bug him about it. The more you bug men about proposing, the less likely they are to propose.

I wish you luck! Your situation is difficult, but not impossible!
lauren i think you just gave wonderful advice!!
 

trillionaire

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Are you itching to get married, or engaged? Even though you are living together with your child, you can get engaged and save money over the next year or 18 months. Would that make you comfortable, or do you desire being the official wife?
 

LaraOnline

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Maybe he just thinks that because you''ve got the house - and the child! - things are pretty much settled as they are.
Men can get very practical... perhaps he thinks you''ve moved on to concerns about money for the baby, and doesn''t realise that marriage is still important to you...?
I wouldn''t feel bad about talking to him about it, at all.

And, having had the child together, and buying a house, I wouldn''t be all apologetic about wanting an engagement when you''ve ''only'' been together two years!
You''ve packed a LOT into that two years!!

The whole pre-marriage thing isn''t a waiting game, or a timed interval, very many people get engaged within months of getting together... and I''m one of them!

good luck! and I hope you achieve your hearts desire!
 

sweetliloldme

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Yes, I want to get married and be official, but I''m not saying it has to be right now. I would love to get engaged and save up for a year or two for the wedding that we both want.
 

sweetliloldme

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Just an update..we talked last night and he said that he''s supposed to worry about it not me and that it has to be a suprise. I even tried to talk about timelines and plans, but he still said it''s a suprise. So well see, who knows what that means. Guess the only thing to do now is wait...
 

Bia

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Hmmm...interesting that he said not to worry about it. Hopefully that''s a good thing!

How did he seem when you talked with him?
 

Dreamgirl

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Date: 4/2/2009 10:38:30 AM
Author: Bia
Hmmm...interesting that he said not to worry about it. Hopefully that''s a good thing!

How did he seem when you talked with him?
I agree. I hope it''s a good thing too and he isn''t brushing you off......
 

sweetliloldme

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I know, I hope so. Who know''s with him though because he is the biggest procrastinator. You never know though he may suprise me. He was just very noncholant, not really going either way. These were our exact words:

"Why are you worrying about it, shouldn''t I be?
Me: "Yea, but you never worry about anything, if I leave it up to you it will be forever."
He laughed and said, Well, isn''t it supposed to be a suprise?
Yea.
Well then don''t worry about it.

I started the conversation by saying I know he said we didn''t have the money to get married, but it''s not like we have to get engaged and start planning right away. And he said yes, but we don''t have the money to get engaged either. And then I said well he had the ring that he could trade in, but he said that he had to give it to his mother (she lent us $10K as a downpayment for our house and she wanted the diamond as repayment) But I said yea, I understand that but either way you have to either pay for the ring or pay her back so your going to have to put money out at some point, and who knows how long it will be until we have the money that he thinks he should spend. I also said that I''m sure if you talk to your mom and tell her she would be more than happy to comply (his parents have money anyway, so she''s not worried about it right now) And that''s when he asked me why I''m worried about it.
 

sweetliloldme

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Me too. I didn''t want to think that but like I said who knows..
 

Dreamgirl

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Date: 4/2/2009 11:07:43 AM
Author: sweetliloldme
Well then don''t worry about it.
My boyfriend always tells me this
20.gif
lol
 

tlh

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sweet. he is not brushing you off. I just don''t get that feeling from what you''ve said about him. As long as he knows it is important to you... he''ll make it happen. That seems to work with him in your case - from waht you''ve posted. I''d write it in your journal - and not make a peep for at least THREE TO FOUR MONTHS. The next time to bring this up would be after the 4th of July... if it doesn''t happen before then. HUGS!
 

sweetliloldme

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Yea, I know I hear it all the time too. I jusy hope that it''s not a brush off. Sometimes when he says not to worry he''ll take care of something he has good intentions, but never does anything until he HAS to, like the last second possible. I''m just hoping its not one of those times, but I''m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.
 

LaraOnline

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Making a note is such a good idea...
meanwhile, I''d start saving myself, so I had a little warchest to put towards the wedding!!
 

sweetliloldme

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Yea, thats what I figure. I''m not going to bring it up again because now he at least knows that it is important to me and that it is on my mind. It is up to him to act on it now, and make that leap if he doesn''t then I''ll know where he stands.
 

fieryred33143

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Date: 4/2/2009 11:22:29 AM
Author: sweetliloldme
Yea, thats what I figure. I''m not going to bring it up again because now he at least knows that it is important to me and that it is on my mind. It is up to him to act on it now, and make that leap if he doesn''t then I''ll know where he stands.
I think we all have to trust our men until they give us a reason not to, right
2.gif


It sounds like things are progressing! Enjoy your time as a LIW! The ladies here are very supportive and its a great forum. Hopefully your time will be short
36.gif
 

purrfectpear

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You girls are in major denial.

He doesn''t even have the ring paid for now? So he''s really $20K in debt. $10K on the ring and $10K to his mom, but he can give her the ring and just be $10K in debt.

In the mean time you guys can barely make the mortgage.

Yeah, don''t worry about the ring or the engagement because neither one is happening anytime soon IMO.

1. He can''t seem to save for a ring.

2. He''s still paying on the old ring.

3. There''s NO way he could possibly pay for a wedding.
 

LaraOnline

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Date: 4/2/2009 1:18:30 PM
Author: purrfectpear
You girls are in major denial.


He doesn''t even have the ring paid for now? So he''s really $20K in debt. $10K on the ring and $10K to his mom, but he can give her the ring and just be $10K in debt.


In the mean time you guys can barely make the mortgage.


Yeah, don''t worry about the ring or the engagement because neither one is happening anytime soon IMO.


1. He can''t seem to save for a ring.


2. He''s still paying on the old ring.


3. There''s NO way he could possibly pay for a wedding.

PP where would we be without you!
1.gif

Even I have to admit, the ''note to myself'' idea is really just about stopping myself from nagging - not because it''s really an effective tool for getting a bomb under a lazy / misguided / leaner/ daydreamer (choose your poison) boyfriend...
but, definitely, having some money put aside would help!
 

Inanna

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Sweetlil, he's not still in debt for the ring from the previous engagement is he? Did you JUST find out that he's giving the ring to his mother to pay her back for your house down-payment? Sounds like you both need to keep working on communicating, especially if you're just now finding out that the ring CANNOT be traded in.

I don't consider "Don't worry about it..." an answer to anything. I guess he can just say whatever he wants and you'll accept it

I'm pretty much in full agreement with Purrfect Pear.
 

fieryred33143

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What am I missing here
33.gif
. It doesn''t sound like he is still in debt for the ring. When I read this:


But I said yea, I understand that but either way you have to either pay for the ring or pay her back so your going to have to put money out at some point, and who knows how long it will be until we have the money that he thinks he should spend.
I interpreted that as he would either have to pay his mother back or buy a ring for her not that he is in debt for the old e-ring
33.gif
 

Inanna

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Date: 4/2/2009 1:49:16 PM
Author: fieryred33143
What am I missing here
33.gif
. It doesn't sound like he is still in debt for the ring. When I read this:

But I said yea, I understand that but either way you have to either pay for the ring or pay her back so your going to have to put money out at some point, and who knows how long it will be until we have the money that he thinks he should spend.

I interpreted that as he would either have to pay his mother back or buy a ring for her not that he is in debt for the old e-ring
33.gif

I don't think he's in debt for the ring still, but I was asking to verify this... it looks like Purrfect read that he is still in debt.

I'm more alarmed that the entire engagement plan is down the tubes since he needs to give the ring to his mother to settle his debt with her... and Sweet is just finding out about this?!?! Communication is probably the most important part of any relationship, and it doesn't seem like any real communication is going on in their house.

ETA: And I'm also appalled that he managed to get a whopping $10k ring for a woman he was with for only few months, yet the mother of his child is still waiting around and accepting "Don't worry about it" as an answer.
 

sweetliloldme

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No, the ring is paid off. He told his mom he would give it to her as repayment for the downpayment.
 

sweetliloldme

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Okay, that was written really wrong. I''ve known for months that his mom said he could give her the ring. He isn''t in debt for the ring, the ring is paid off. It was only a suggestion made by her to try to help us out so they he didn''t have to pay her money for the down payment on our house. She doesn''t care one way or the other, which is why I still suggested that he trade it in. He still could, like I said his mom was only trying to help, and doesn''t care how she gets repaid.

I was saying when I asked him to trade it in to get me one, he said that he had to give it to his mother. Which he doesn''t have to because she has said infront of me that he didn''t have to, she was just trying to help.

Our mortgage is fine, the money he borrowed was for the downpayment on the house. We pay our mortgage, and all of our other bills on our own. We don''t struggle to do so, but don''t have a bunch of money left over.

I hope that''s a little clearer.
 
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