Sibling Dilemma...need wise input or just support!

[diamondfan]

Miracles, you are right that she wants to be the cool aunt. I am by no means uber strict, but I certainly do not hand my kids illegal and immoral things as minors. And I know she is jealous and competitive andI suffered slings and arrows from it my whole life. Now that she sees fit to aim her crap at my kids, I am soooo comfortable being done.

Phoenix, I think she is many personality disorders. She has features of many of them. I also think she is a sociopath, in that she has no empathy for others and everyone else is there to be in service of her ultimate goals. She does not relate to the notion that she might have hurt you, therefore she is not ever wrong and has no need to make things right. I truly believe she is not well, and while that is sad to me, she won''t get help for something that is not wrong, and therefore she will always be this way.

In September of 2005 I lost an adult relative in an accident. Of course his parents were devastated. My sister sends out a holiday letter, one of those page long things filled with how fabulous her life is. She goes on and on about how much in love they are, how they snog in public and make everyone sick with how happy they are, how they are looking at homes in Italy and France, and just went traveling all over here and there and how great their personalized license plates on their fancy cars are...you get the idea. She sends one my cousin and her parents, who are grieving for the loss of their son. When I mentioned that my cousin found it a bit offensive in light of her recent loss and that I thought it was tacky, she unloaded on me and called me a liar, and told me everyone loved getting her letters. My cousin back me up and told her it was insensitive and obnoxious. This is the type of person she is, she is so concerned with tooting her own horn nothing else matters. In all my life dealing with her I do not think she has EVER admitted being wrong, or ever acknowledged her culpability in anything. She is always the one to come off smelling like a rose.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/1/2008 9:34:46 AM
Author: diamondfan

In September of 2005 I lost an adult relative in an accident. Of course his parents were devastated. My sister sends out a holiday letter, one of those page long things filled with how fabulous her life is. She goes on and on about how much in love they are, how they snog in public and make everyone sick with how happy they are, how they are looking at homes in Italy and France, and just went traveling all over here and there and how great their personalized license plates on their fancy cars are...you get the idea. She sends one my cousin and her parents, who are grieving for the loss of their son. When I mentioned that my cousin found it a bit offensive in light of her recent loss and that I thought it was tacky, she unloaded on me and called me a liar, and told me everyone loved getting her letters.

I remember when that happened sadly, that sounds just like the sort of thing she would do also.

DF, it isn't your fault she has issues and no sense of propriety, you are doing totally the right thing in protecting your children from her, especially after what she did with your son. If she refuses to believe or admit she was wrong, then you are even more in the right in limiting her contact with your kids.

 

[diamondfan]

Lorelei, lucky you getting to be on the same continent!!!!

I know, I think I mentioned it...it is just one example of her self involved crap and how she can spin anything to make herself look good. And the sad thing is people who know her minimally might fall for it because she is good at what she does...why would you think anything badly about her when you first meet her and she seems charming and outgoing? But once you really get to know her her true self comes through. At least I am lucky to have my step sister, who is great.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/1/2008 9:47:53 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lorelei, lucky you getting to be on the same continent!!!!

I know, I think I mentioned it...it is just one example of her self involved crap and how she can spin anything to make herself look good. And the sad thing is people who know her minimally might fall for it because she is good at what she does...why would you think anything badly about her when you first meet her and she seems charming and outgoing? But once you really get to know her her true self comes through. At least I am lucky to have my step sister, who is great.

Yes, I remember well what happened and I was appalled that she would do such a thing.

I know I am not a parent, but if I was, I would do exactly the same thing you are doing in keeping her far away from my children.

 

[miraclesrule]

Date: 8/1/2008 9:47:53 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lorelei, lucky you getting to be on the same continent!!!!

I know, I think I mentioned it...it is just one example of her self involved crap and how she can spin anything to make herself look good. And the sad thing is people who know her minimally might fall for it because she is good at what she does...why would you think anything badly about her when you first meet her and she seems charming and outgoing? But once you really get to know her her true self comes through. At least I am lucky to have my step sister, who is great.

I have a friend just like that, we don''t see each other much anymore. And unfortunately, I have worked with many people just like that. It''s sickening. Even more so, if I find myself duped by them and learn the hard way. I would rather just find out right away that a person is a wanker, then have to discover that they are so two-faced. And the worst thing about these people, is that they are undermine and seek to destroy you own credibility and reputation with other people, including ones you don''t even know.

Grrrrrrrrrr, I just loathe these types of people. But in the end, I just pity them. I feel for you DF. I really do. I am so glad you got an amazing step sister.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/1/2008 1:53:11 PM
Author: miraclesrule

Date: 8/1/2008 9:47:53 AM
Author: diamondfan
Lorelei, lucky you getting to be on the same continent!!!!

I know, I think I mentioned it...it is just one example of her self involved crap and how she can spin anything to make herself look good. And the sad thing is people who know her minimally might fall for it because she is good at what she does...why would you think anything badly about her when you first meet her and she seems charming and outgoing? But once you really get to know her her true self comes through. At least I am lucky to have my step sister, who is great.

I have a friend just like that, we don''t see each other much anymore. And unfortunately, I have worked with many people just like that. It''s sickening. Even more so, if I find myself duped by them and learn the hard way. I would rather just find out right away that a person is a wanker, then have to discover that they are so two-faced. And the worst thing about these people, is that they are undermine and seek to destroy you own credibility and reputation with other people, including ones you don''t even know.

Grrrrrrrrrr, I just loathe these types of people. But in the end, I just pity them. I feel for you DF. I really do. I am so glad you got an amazing step sister.

LOL!!! I thought it was only Brits who used that word!

 

[miraclesrule]

Hahaha, Lorelei. I always get in trouble at work for my "gutter mouth", so my co-workers and I started looking up the words in other languages and slang for the same words in Europe. I love it now. I can get the same venting feel without getting into so much trouble.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 8/1/2008 2:29:40 PM
Author: miraclesrule
Hahaha, Lorelei. I always get in trouble at work for my 'gutter mouth', so my co-workers and I started looking up the words in other languages and slang for the same words in Europe. I love it now. I can get the same venting feel without getting into so much trouble.

Priceless!!!! If you need any ideas for more English insults, I'm your woman!

 

[Kaleigh]

DF,
I feel for you, and know all about your sister from what you have told me. She won''t be missed by anyone. Really and truly. I get where your hubby is coming from, Mine is the same way. But at some point you have to draw the line. I think you have been more than fair with her in the past. She''s not willing to apologize, to take ownership of past bad behaviours. Time to let her go, and move on with your beautiful family. I have had this in my own life. I know it''s hard, but ya know what? It''s harder to ask this of you. Saying just invite her, put all this aside. Yes in a perfect world, but it''s just not a perfect world. I send you big hugs!!! Isn''t she looked at as being nutters by the kids? Have people there that will celebrate this milestone with respect. Not toxicity.

 

[jewelerman]

A major family event is not the stage to heal old wounds...especially if its so important to your family or son...dont risk a scene by your sister ...healing a relationship takes time and should be done in more private settings.Emotions run hign at events like family gatherings...dont invite her to a function until you are sure she will be respectful or you and your family.

 

[Anastasia]

Date: 8/3/2008 12:08:57 AM
Author: jewelerman
A major family event is not the stage to heal old wounds...especially if its so important to your family or son...dont risk a scene by your sister ...healing a relationship takes time and should be done in more private settings.Emotions run hign at events like family gatherings...dont invite her to a function until you are sure she will be respectful or you and your family.

Beautifully Said!

 

[diamondfan]

Kaleigh and Jewelerman, you are so right. That is what I have tried to express to people, that even on the very remote chance I would ever be able to say, Okay, you can be back in our lives, even limitedly, my son''s bar mitzvah is NOT the place to make move one. My kids do not really mention her, I think they know there has always been bad blood there and they liked her fine when they thought she cared about them, but know now she is a user and was an aunt out of convenience. Honestly I am boggled that someone could continually and repeatedly send notes to their sister''s children when told GO AWAY, and especially since the reason she is now finally out of my life has to do with something she did that was wholly inappropriate and cruel done to one of my kids. Sheesh, get a clue and stay away when you are told to leave. Her continual contact is only about HER, and saying, Oh I am trying to be a good aunt even though my sister is so heartless and unforgiving...she gets to milk this for all it is worth, trust me. I used to tell hubby this in relation to my mother in law as well. I might despise her but would be thrilled if she were a genuinely loving grandmother and I would be fine with her being around my kids on that basis. But she is not, so it makes it all the harder.

I have tried to say, who knows the future? If I knew truly and with certainty that she could change and had, I might be willing someday to allow her limited access into my life. However, old dogs tend not to learn new tricks. She is a master manipulator and has classic personality disorder features, and thinks SHE is the one in the right at all times. Therefore she won''t get help as she is not enlightened to her ways, and you do not fix what you do not think is broken. So on what basis would I say, Okay, back for more? It would seem silly of me to do so. And just to chat once a month and say hi etc isn''t appealing to me, either she is someone I want in my life or she is not. Understand I am not asking for perfection, just the ability to trust that her motives and actions are right and safe. Others can be conned by her, I cannot live others lives nor is it my job to convince them of her issues if she snows them so well. Hopefully she will leave them alone, her contact is mostly limited and there is not a reason for her to try to destroy them. She has always been jealous and competitive with me, though she is not self aware enough to admit it. She is in sort of a constructed alternate world which works for her as it allows her to spin anything in her favor. Life may be short, which is exactly why I have no desire at 42 years old to surround myself with anyone who is cruel, hurtful, a liar, a schemer...let her go do her own thing and stay far away from me and my family. But my son''s milestone event is not a place where I would trust her on any level, and it would be ridiculous and foolish to invite her, even if it makes some people in my family happy because all is tied up with a neat little bow in their eyes.

 

[allycat0303]

Hi Diamondfan,

I read your post about your sister and felt I really had to respond as I have had troubling relationships with both my sibling. I think the hardest thing is when other relatives get involved and say "the rift is sad, maybe you should try to put things aside" it somehow makes you feel guilty that you haven''t tried harder or that you''ve been too harsh.

I don''t have children, but I think you should make the decision to invite or to not invite, based UNIQUELY what is best for your SON and for YOU. Take everyone else out of the equation, and do what you feel is right in your heart. Often I have felt like my mother has always picked keeping the peace, family appearences etc., over what was best for me. It''s something that hurts terribly, and has (in recent times) driven a wedge between my parents and I, because she has never put my happiness above all else.

If she is a disruptive presence to you, then she should not be in your life. You son will likely not want is mother to be upset, distracted etc., at this milestone. It should be about him, and only him. If in the futur, she reaches out, you may give her one if you feel it is warranted, but important life events is not the time for confrontations of mending bridges. This occasion is about celebrating your son.

Good luck!

 

[princesss]

No advice, but a lot of support.

How wonderful, though, that your son is responsible enough to come to you about something he knows is wrong, no matter who pressures him not to. That says a lot about what a wonderful mother you are, as does your willingness to protect them from anybody that may do them harm.

*hugs*

 

[princesss]

No advice, but a lot of support.

How wonderful, though, that your son is responsible enough to come to you about something he knows is wrong, no matter who pressures him not to. That says a lot about what a fantastic mother you are, as does your willingness to protect them from anybody that may do them harm.

*hugs*

 

[princesss]

Well, shoot. I didn''t mean to do that.

 

[miraclesrule]

Just don''t invite her. Seriously DF.

Maybe it will take something like this to sink in for her. Even then I doubt it, because as you said and we have both experienced, their personality is not one that allows for owning any of their behavior.

It''s just especially hard when it comes to children. Be anti-Nike and JUST DON"T DO IT! Don''t invite her. Who cares what they think or anyone that she has the ability to influence.

Lie is only truth if someone chooses to believe it. If someone wants to believe what she has to "spin" about you, you don''t need them in your life either. I really do wish it was different for you. I wish that people weren''t so wounded that their ego''s get the better of them and their souls don''t have the opportunity to shine. But the reality is...it happens.

Big, big HUGS to you. I know how distressful this is for you.

 

[jewelerman]

DF,
Show your husband this thread...if strangers can see the problem then mabe he will see you are right about not inviting the sister to the family event.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I agree . . . whether or not you want your sister in your life (which sounds pretty decisively no) is a separate decision from the Bar Mitvah. That should not be the time to "test out" her stability. If you want a relationship with her one day, you build it slowly step by step.

From my experience, people with these destructive personality disorders do not play nice at family events because they fear that their ostracism will be obvious to everyone in attendance, so they act out (these are not the type of people to quietly internalize feelings of discomfort!).

One friend has been out of contact with her narcissistic father ever since her wedding, when he had tantrums and created drama galore. In my experience, the destructive family member whom we did invite to our wedding used it as an opportunity to confront a sibling who had not invited her to his, then pouted and left early. Luckily my minister sister, 5''2" and 6 months pregnant at the time, jumped in between the relatives (they''re from my husband''s side) and told them that THIS WAS NOT THE TIME! This relative is religious (in a self-serving kind of way) and couldn''t argue with a cute little pregnant minister. (The things you sometimes have to do to be a good bridesmaid or groomsman!)

I recently lost my father to suicide, and this same relative did not send a card, flowers, anything, but created a blog. When she sent me the link, her email said something like, "Even though I have also suffered a loss, I am so much more concerned for you" and yes, she meant that she had lost my father, a man with whom she did not keep in touch and whom she had not seen since our wedding. Her blog (for all the world to see!) was all about her grief and how hard my loss was for her.

That she could so misjudge how to react appropriately to my tragedy (sounds like your sister with your relative''s passing, doesn''t it?) reassures me that I did the right thing to essentially cut her out of my life two years ago.

And, yes, we all need reassurance from time to time. Those of us who do not live in crazy land can forget start to forget the drama the offending person has created in time and then start to doubt ourselves, especially when others are saying, "Oh, can''t you just forgive her?" But it''s not about forgiveness. We can forgive someone without allowing that person the ability to hurt us and ours over and over again.

 

[diamondfan]

Phoenix, I am terribly sorry about your dad. Suicide is very tough on those left behind. I am so sorry you are suffering. It does sound like that relative is a bit like my sister. With my sister it was always about HER, how did SHE feel, how did it affect HER.

The issue I have is I am a very fair minded person. And I lived many many years, as a child and an adult, with her sick and disturbed ways. And I can even understand that if one did NOT see any of that, and my sister was intent on appearing in a good light, if one had limited exposure to her, it might be easy to think she is a normal person. But she is totally NOT.

When I was 8 or 9 my father had one eye removed because he had a tumor on his optic nerve. I was lied to as to why he was going to the hospital, I guess the fact that he would come home and get a glass eye was glossed over but regardless I was not told the truth. My sister looked at me and said in a nasty manner, Oh, you are such a moron., He is in the hospital because he has cancer and YOU gave it to him because you are a spoiled brat. He is going to die and it will be your fault.

I lived with that for a while, because I did not know how one got cancer, and at 8 or so years old I was afraid maybe it WAS my fault. I was daddy''s princess and a bit spoiled after all, and I was afraid to ask anyone how someone got sick with cancer, in case they told me it I WAS to blame. She did things like this to me all of the time. I can honestly tell you that I miss the THEORETICAL sister image, but I DO NOT miss HER. She played mind games with me my whole life, and when I would try to get people to see it she would switch gears and try to make it like I was loony!! Then, she did start to get more obvious with my family, around the time my father died from metastatic liver cancer, and some of them did see sides of her that were not good. And a couple of the younger generation, my peers, DO get it and see it, but also feel "life is short" so forgiveness is important. I tell them, I have "forgiven" her as I feel she is mentally incapable of being nice and is not able to own her actions, BUT that does not mean I have to be in her life or let her in mine. And the final straw of my son really tipped the scales.

My hubby and my one cousin worry that when something happens to my mother, I will indeed have to face her and it might be tough. Oh well, it will be tough then. My mom and I made a choice to not be in her life because of how she treated us, and if that is the first time I see her in years, I will deal with it. I know it will not be easy but so be it. I have no desire to be involved with her in the meantime, again, unless she could be healthy and I just have no reason to think that will ever happen.

Princess, yes, he really was upset about it. He debated how to tell us, as he felt partially to blame because she had made some very inappropriate jokes and remarks to him. In his response, he joked back and she brought this into my home. Now, I had to tell him A: SHE was not appropriate with him initially and B: even if he joked back SHE is the adult and knows better and clearly knew he was only kidding and NOT ASKING for the item. PERIOD. One of my older family members said, But, today, a kid could get that anyway, it is so easy. My response was MAYBE SO, but at 13 it is illegal, someone giving it to a minor can be prosecuted, stores could lose their licenses if caught giving it to minors, and while I CANNOT protect him from what goes on in someone else''s home where he and a friend might have access, I CAN protect him in MINE, and the fact that MY OWN SISTER did this to him, brought this in my home, was so wrong. Just cause someone can find a way to get it does not make it fine, and that is a rationalization I KNOW came from her in order to minimize what she did. I am very protective of my children...no matter who messes with them, but I am also not blindly so, I want my kids to also have accountability too, something no one made my sister have, and look how THAT turned out. My son felt guilty and awful and I had to make sure he understood the turn of events and that he was not to blame. Then, I hear from cousins etc, well, she says he ASKED her to bring it and since she does not have kids maybe she thought it was cool?! OMG, you have to HAVE kids to know you do not give illegal things to minors? And bottom line, she could have said, oh, we were joking around and such and such came up...since she did not do that, and chose to sneak it in and usurp me in my home, I know without doubt that she knows it was wrong. I also know she did not expect to get in trouble.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Thank you for your condolences.

You know, I totally understand needing something concrete to reference as the reason why you don''t want her in your life (that''s why I told you the blog story -- I still doubt myself), but when it''s not my life it''s so easy to see how it''s not about the one incident with your son. That was just the straw that broke the camel''s back because you are an adult and you have put up with her your whole life but parenthood is a higher calling and you will spare your kids if it''s the last thing you do.

So if people want to debate the whole inappropriate "gift" thing, I''d just say, "You know, it''s really not about that. If that were the only inappropriate or dangerous or hurtful thing she''d ever done, I''d just have spoken to her harshly and that would have been that. That''s just one example of her pattern of behavior, and until she gets professional help I can''t risk that she harm my children anymore. And frankly, it''s not much fun for me to put up with her antics either."

Because I bet she is making this about the one incident. With just a few facts skewed she can make you seem like a rash party-pooper. But again, if this were the only inappropriate thing she''d ever done you''d just think, oh that''s weird, speak to her about it, and move on (and in this fantasy, she''d be a rational adult who would feel horrible and apologize and be oh so careful in the future). But alas, it is just a fantasy.

 

[diamondfan]

Phoenix, that is the whole point. I have repeatedly said, that is NOT the only issue here, there is a pattern of behavior which was typically aimed at me. Now it is being aimed at my child, and I cannot deal. It is my job to protect my children, from whomever would harm them.

I mean, really, I have told people in my family that all things being equal, had she been a great sister and aunt but messed up and showed poor judgment, I would have been pissed but I would have gotten over it in time. If it was just a question of a basically loving person messing up, and I had a good relationship with her overall, I could ream her out for being an idiot and perhaps limit her contact with my kids til I felt she was back on track, but I would not need to remove her from my life.

People are so naive and see and hear what they want to for the most part. It is the tip of the iceberg, what they know. Certainly if you see the top of an iceberg you can say, Oh, that does not look that bad. But the minute you look under, take a moment to see the WHOLE thing, well, that is a different story altogether. I told my cousin, Do you think I just woke up one day and had nothing better to do, and just decide to remove her from my life? No, of course not. It is not that simple, nothing is that black and white in families. I mean, I could have gotten over somewhat her being a jerk, but I cannot get over the never ending hurt and betrayals and feeling that I always have to watch my back. I get nothing out of it so therefore it makes no sense to start up a relationship again. It would not be based on anything healthy at all.

It sounds like you did the right thing as well. I often say the right thing is not the easy thing, but that still does not mean you should avoid it. People who are so self centered, so ME ME ME everything is about ME make me crazy. It is usually best to limit contact with people like that.

 

[Linda W]

Caroline,

I just saw this thread. I just wanted to give you support and I am sending you a big hug my friend.


Love,

Linda

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks sweet Linda.

I just talked to a relative who is in her 90''s who coincidentally brought up my sister and the fact that my mom and I are not really in contact. She does not know much about it from my mom, as my mom is a closed mouth type of person but knows something is up. Anyway, she wanted to know if she should be in touch with my sister, she did not know any of the traumas and stuff because in years past, she was always on the East coast and it is not something my mom discussed. She heard some stuff through the family grapevine about her suing my mom etc, but overall was not so in the loop. I told her, you know, I cannot and will not tell you not to talk to her ever again, but here is why my mom and I have removed her from our lives. You can draw your own conclusion. She is a mother and has two daughters, so she can somewhat relate to the dynamics of things. Anyway, it was just odd that she called me sort of out of the blue and wanted to ask about what she should do in terms of getting in touch with my sister, especially coming now what with the bar mitzvah coming up...

 

[Linda W]

Caroline,

I agree with your decision. You don''t need toxic people in your lives. You already have one, your MIL, tee hee.

Seriously though, it is your sons special day and you surely don''t need any trouble started.

 

[partgypsy]

I feel for you. It is your party, your power, you have the power to cut her off and out of her life and she will be the worse for it.

It does sound like there is alot of sibling rivalry. Take this with a huge grain of salt and in light of the recent visit I had with my sister. My sister and I have had a very tumultuous relationship; we are twins and she has the more dominant personality and I kind of looked up to her when I was growing up because she was more quick witted/prettier, but we did end up having terrible competitiveness and sibling rivalry when I started asserting myself. We went to different colleges, I started on my own path. She ended up having a much harder life, often due to a number of bad decisions on her part, but during the entire time she put me down, discount my opinion refuse my help (as I am the younger twin who doesn''t know anything). Anyways over the years we have had a number of terrible arguments and fallings out, the only thing we have stopped short of being physical with each other. In particular, she throws in my face that I ended up being married, having kids, more stable, but that somehow that was all at the expense of her. It doesn''t make sense so I''m not going to even try.
So I planned for my mom to come down to visit and go to the beach for a couple days, and also invited my sister, in part as I didn''t know if she would really come. They both accepted my invitation, and I started being apprehensive how this would go down.
Well it turned out we had a really good time. My two girls really enjoyed hanging out with their other grandmom and their aunt. My older daughter especially liked hanging out with my sister, and they made bracelets, my sister did her hair in braids, made sand castles together etc. It made me realize that though she has alot of anger, in the right situation there is also a loving, gentle, and artistic person in there as well.

Anways in my situation I have shed many tears of what I wanted my sister to be, both as a sister and as a person, but wasn''t. The only way that it is getting better is by me seeing more clearly what she is, and isn''t. What she can do, and what she is not capable of.

I have no idea what is right in your situation, I really don''t know your personal history. You have to decide if there is anything worth saving. Sometimes people do change. But it is also true that sometimes people (like your sister) can burn bridges and you can''t ever look at them the same, even if they are doing better.

 

[partgypsy]

I just read what jewelrman said in his post and I agree with his sentiments.

 

[crystalheart1]

DiamondFan.. aka Caroline

Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through at this joyus time

Mazol Tov to your family ! You are a wonderful Mom/Women, and your husband sounds like a good Dad and Man.

You are all trying to do the right thing,,, the right thing is to continue not TO invite her, and leave it at that.

I always wanted a sister, but now seeing what you are going through , I have second thoughts.

She is very jealous of you, and sounds like a Sociopath...sp?

She DOES have major emotional issues . Why are siblings usually so different? You sound like a very balanced, grounded, person who does the right things in life

I hope your son has a wonderful experience on his special day !

 

[diamondfan]

Crystal, thanks! I do try. I am certainly not perfect but I am not mentally unstable. I do think she has sociopathic tendencies. She is remorseless and defensive and totally clueless about her actions and the affect they have on others. In her mind, she is above reproach period end of conversation and she will blast you a new one if you dare criticize her. She also used to cry whenever anyone disapproved of her, the waterworks would begin and the justifications/rationalizations too. She is pretty hard to have a normal interaction with, it is always about her, yet she will tell me "I have to be on eggshells with you"...OMG, project much? Totally insane. I mean, she is a total master at spinning things and I am like the person standing behind the curtain in OZ and seeing how things REALLY are. I feel that I am making the right choice, it is still sad that it came to this and hard to accept that she could be so mean, cruel and without caring, but she is. I accepted that long ago, but it is so against the way I do things that I had a tough time really fully grasping it. No one deserves that treatment, no one. And while I certainly feel badly for her mental status, I cannot be around it. I cannot help her as she thinks SHE is fine and everyone else is at fault, she is very invested in this view of things, so nothing I do is going to help. It is sad, but it is not up to me nor is it something I can fix. I truly do not want her there, and I do not want her in my life EVER if this is what I am going to deal with. I just hate having to explain this to others, how hard is it to understand that things occur between people that a third person is not aware of, and that just because that third person did not experience it or cannot see it, it does not diminish the truth? I hate getting pressured from people who only know part of the story or miss the whole point of this...that this was not a one time issue, but a lifetime, with a final straw incident, and just because they are not aware of ALL the lifetime of crap, oh well, they will have to trust me and take my word for it that this was inevitable.

 

[crystalheart1]

Sometimes it is best not to explain yourself too much. If anyone should ask, I would just say it is a very unfortunate
circumstance that ___________insert psycho sister''s name --- could not celebrate with us today.

If you are pushed for an explanation tell them it is a long story and you really can not get into it right now...then
smile pretty..