Sibling Dilemma...need wise input or just support!

[diamondfan]

Hope you guys can help me or make me feel better about this.

I have a sister, my blood sister, and we do not get along. In fact, we have not spoken in almost three years. This is not the first time for us to be estranged, but I really think it will be the last, as I reached the end of my rope with her. She has always been mean, jealous, hurtful, spiteful, and in total denial about how she is. The final straw was when nearly three years ago she did something disgusting to my oldest son who was 13. That did it, and now, neither my mom nor I speak to her. I confronted her, and she did not even apologize. In fact, she started beating the bushes with cousins and aunts and uncles, trying to portray herself as a victim and blame my son!

Now my middle son''s bar mitzvah is in November. I do not want her in my life, but my hubby said something that bothered me, and I know it makes my older relatives sad that we have this rift in our family. Of course, they did not live with her crap for their lives like I did, and they believe her phony butt kissy persona, and while they think that what she did sucked, they feel I should make up with her because life is short. My hubby thought my middle son would feel sad that she was not there for his bar mitzvah, which is bizarre to me since she has never been a big fixture in my life. She came to my older son''s, right before we had our fight, and behaved atrociously and was so attention seeking and inappropriate it was gross.

We have always been night and day in terms of our personalities, but I loved her and respected her choices in life. She never did the same for me. I do not miss the real person, though I miss the idealized version of what I think sisters should be like to each other. But I also accept that she is not nice to me at all and will not change, and if she were a friend I would have gotten out of the relationship long ago.

How do I tell hubby that A: I do not think my son will care that much and B: if he does, I am sorry but sometimes in life relationships do not work out and that I made a painful choice in part to protect my kids...I mean, are there not consequences to behavior?

and how do I sort of tell hopefully well intentioned peripheral family who she has bombarded with lies and drama that they really do not know the whole story and should not try to pressure me?

 

[Lorelei]

Good morning friend!

I think you have already found the right words with which to tell Hubby...." middle son won't care as he has never been close to this Aunt, plus after her behaviour towards eldest son, I feel that it would be best she doesn't attend." He knows what happened right?

As for the peripheral family, then exactly what you said would be fine - " you do not know the whole story" and excuse yourself if they try to pressure you. I think you did and have done exactly the right thing, it is what I would have done if I were in the same situation!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Good morning, Diamondfan. I think you should simply tell hubby that after all the hateful things your sister has done, you believe she is a threat to your children and you don''t want her anywhere near them; furthermore, you don''t want anything to do with her ever again in life. How would hubby feel if she came to this bar mitzvah and hurt a child or did some other horrible thing?

A blood relationship does not give anyone carte blanche to be abusive or behave the way your sister has done.

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks guys! I have been so clear about my feelings. Our relationship was never great but I always forgave her before. All my life she has really pulled some stuff. And my husband does not like her, but wonders if my kids feel upset that I removed her from our lives. I think that even though it is sad, there is good reason, and there must be consequences in life to our actions. Family or not, one should not treat people badly. I am certainly not happy about it, but it is what it is. And I would never want to spoil my son''s day or have to be worried about her actions, which I would be if she were around.

The peripheral family has trouble because she is super manipulative and has made it seem like she just cannot fathom why my mom and I are so mad at her. She is very good at playing people and I do not have the energy to try to convince people of the truth. I know her inside and out, they only know what she wants them to. I just hate feeling like they are feeling sorry for her. She expressed to one of my uncles how sad she is that she is not going to be invited, as if this is some random thing with no basis in life.

I would never put my kids around her, and hope they understand (I have told my two oldest kids in a less detailed way as to why, my littlest does not really notice it, and I know my oldest gets it because of what she did to him)...but even if they do not, I still have to decide what is best. Family occasions bring out issues for people for sure.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 7/31/2008 8:40:39 AM
Author: diamondfan
Thanks guys! I have been so clear about my feelings. Our relationship was never great but I always forgave her before. All my life she has really pulled some stuff. And my husband does not like her, but wonders if my kids feel upset that I removed her from our lives. I think that even though it is sad, there is good reason, and there must be consequences in life to our actions. Family or not, one should not treat people badly. I am certainly not happy about it, but it is what it is. And I would never want to spoil my son''s day or have to be worried about her actions, which I would be if she were around.

The peripheral family has trouble because she is super manipulative and has made it seem like she just cannot fathom why my mom and I are so mad at her. She is very good at playing people and I do not have the energy to try to convince people of the truth. I know her inside and out, they only know what she wants them to. I just hate feeling like they are feeling sorry for her. She expressed to one of my uncles how sad she is that she is not going to be invited, as if this is some random thing with no basis in life.

I would never put my kids around her, and hope they understand (I have told my two oldest kids in a less detailed way as to why, my littlest does not really notice it, and I know my oldest gets it because of what she did to him)...but even if they do not, I still have to decide what is best. Family occasions bring out issues for people for sure.

I definitely think you are doing the right thing after the stunt she pulled, then she wonders why she isn''t invited....I am sure your kids won''t notice her absence, they have too many people who have such a loving and positive influence in their lives and you certainly don''t need the stress of being worried about what she will do next!

 

[Haven]

DF, I just wanted to give you some support.

I don''t really have good advice, but we had a similar situation in my family and I wanted to share our story.

My father had a younger brother who had a checkered past. His younger brother was a bit of a liar, he never really had an honest job, and my father spent a good part of his life bailing his brother out of trouble. When I was about 11-years-old, my father''s brother stole a van from our family (he had been visiting us, he lived in Florida at the time) and he just drove off with the van. At the time my parents were struggling financially, so this was a very big hit for them. THEN, my uncle sent my father a bill for repairs after the van broke down and he had to get some part replaced. Yeah. It was like that.

My uncle never did anything to directly hurt any of us girls, but this example with the van is just one example of the things he did to my father and our family.

Well, the van incident was the final straw. My father cut communication, the whole family was up in arms over it (my fathers family are a bunch of enablers, hence my uncle''s behavior) and by the time my bat mitzvah came around there was this big to-do about whether he would be invited. He was not. He flew in and came to the service, anyway. My father was furious, I was unhappy because my father was so hurt and I''m sure there were a lot of complicated feelings going on surrounding this relationship.

Fast-forward four years later. My father is a softie, he decided he missed his brother, and wants to reconnect. One month after they reconnect my uncle is diagnosed with a horrible brain tumor. In the end, my uncle lived for only three more years, he and my father became close again, but I was so hurt and angry at my uncle that I did not reestablish that relationship. I did not go to his funeral in LA, and I was really angry at him for a while for wasting the time he did have with us by making bad decisions.

In the end, I think that my father''s anger toward his brother profoundly affected my own feelings toward my uncle, and made it nearly impossible for me to reconcile with him. I did not think I would regret missing out on those last years of his life at the time, but I do now.

Now, I don''t know what your sister did to your son, and I''m not saying that my own father did the wrong thing by trying to protect us from his brother, who was being hurtful to our family. All I''m saying is that, as a child, my father''s behavior toward his brother deeply affected my feelings toward my uncle. As long as you realize that, then I say go with your gut.

Good luck. I''m sorry this is happening. A bar mitzvah is a wonderful simcha and it should be a happy time, and I hope it is.

 

[diamondfan]

Haven, I am sorry about your uncle.

And I understand about how your dad''s feelings impacted you but he did what he felt was right.

My sister is an amoral person. If she wants something, it does not matter who is in the way. She is always in the right, never admits wrongdoing and accuses everyone of doing things when it is really her fault.

She also did something specific to my son that was emotionally very harmful and deliberately wrong. I feel like I put up with loads of evil stuff to me since I can remember, but I can handle it...though I did get to the point where I simply could not take it from her anymore. I felt like, yes, she is my blood, but that never made her be nice and or kind to me. When she went after my son and really did something cruel and really sick, something she KNEW I would never think was okay and was not proper in any way, and did it behind my back in my own home...well, that was the end to me.

I cannot trust her, and I do not think she loves anyone but herself. She also lies like no one''s business and twists the truth to suit her.

I had been so abused by her verbally, emotionally, I mean it is so hard to say, hey, this is my sibling, but she is really not a good person and I do not matter to her in reality. It is not what I want in life, it really is not the way I want things to be, but I sort of felt I was left with no choice. I do feel badly for my kids on one hand to miss out with time with their Aunt, but truly, she is not a positive person in their lives, so it is hard to ignore all of that. And I do worry that they are missing out, but the person she is makes it impossible to have a relationship on normal terms.

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Please don''t worry that your children are missing out by not having your sister in their lives. They are better off not to have someone like that around them. All she would do is create bad memories for them.

 

[Miranda]

Well this is a timely thread. I, myself, am having a difficult time with my sister. She is not nearly as toxic as your sister, but, I have been trying to put a bit of distance between us. It''s never an easy break when you''re talking about family, is it?

You''ve been given some very good advice. Your sister sounds terrible.

You do not have to have her in your life. And for the sake of your family, you probably shouldn''t. If she did something terrible to your oldest, it is likely she will do something to your other 2. My feeling is that as a parent your job is to protect your kids from harm if possible. It sounds like your sister''s name is Harm! Your hubby was probably just thinking out loud about inviting your sister. I don''t know about your DH, but, mine always means well, but, doesn''t see the big picture. Since your sister is not a fixture in your kids'' lives I highly doubt they will miss her presence during the party with all of the excitement. As for they rest of the family, I think Lorelei hit the nail on the head. Just tell them they do not know the whole story. I would not want to be worrying about what trouble she may cause at the bar mitzvah.

 

[isaku5]

Date: 7/31/2008 11:55:35 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Please don''t worry that your children are missing out by not having your sister in their lives. They are better off not to have someone like that around them. All she would do is create bad memories for them.

I totally agree with Madam. Leave the witch at home!!

 

[Elmorton]

I remember listening to an author on NPR who had written a book about cutting his parents out of his and his family''s life.

What was strangely compelling about it was that he said that he had two choices - go on repeatedly being hurt (which is actively painful) or cut them out (which is also painful, but in another sense). You get the opportunity to choose which kind of pain you can stand. It''s a lose-lose situation either way, but for the author, he was able to concentrate on the life of his growing family instead of dwell on the past. I thought it was really interesting, and I wish I could remember the title of the book or even who wrote it.

I really don''t think the sister should be invited. If you have already begun/are in the process of cutting her out, you should remain consistent, even when it''s difficult or sad to do so.

 

[Haven]

DF--I just wanted to say that I did not share that story with you to try to urge you to keep your sister in your life. In fact, if I found myself in your situation I would probably cut her out, as well. It''s just that our story seemed to compare a bit, and I wanted to share.

My father probably saved us from some heartbreak by cutting his brother out when he did. And it sounds like my uncle was far more benign that your sister. I''m so sorry.

I don''t blame my father at all for what he did. He''s been hurt by his family repeatedly, and to this day I don''t have any relationship whatsoever with his parents. I didn''t even recognize his father (my grandfather!) when he showed up at the rehearsal dinner for our wedding. I wouldn''t have invited them in the first place if my father hadn''t asked me to.

I suppose it''s ironic because I have these feelings of guilt and anger about not having a better relationship with my uncle when he was alive, but here I am with living grandparents and no desire to have contact with them at all.

I''m sorry for rambling. This is a tough situation, and I''m so sorry you are dealing with this.

 

[Skippy123]

DF, I am sorry you have to be faced with this, hopefully the others will understand. Sending you a hug for support friend

 

[Allisonfaye]

DF, I totally feel for you. I have sister issues and only recently decided that the pain that my sister causes me is not worth it anymore. She makes no effort where our relationship is concerned and I just can''t understand her at all. So I decided to stop beating my head against the wall with her. And while it hurts, in one way, it is better.

I think you just need to be straight with your husband. He is not new to this situation. Explain the hurt that she causes and that you are ready to let her go. I understand the whole ''life is short'' thing but I am guessing if she were no longer around, it wouldn''t hurt you terribly. She sounds toxic and I know you have issues with anxiety already. You are probably not going to convince your relatives, nor do you really need to. It really isn''t their business.

 

[purrfectpear]

Since the entire meaning of a bar mitzvah is becoming a man, I think it should be up to the bar mitzvah boy. If he is old enough to join the men, he is old enough to hear the story of whatever went on (too cryptic for anyone to give a real opinion) and to sit down and discuss with his older brother whether they would like their aunt there or not. If they vote no, that is the end of it, and should negate your hubby''s fear of them feeling like they missed something. If after talking it over, they would like to invite her, then I think you should suck it up and give the invite. It doesn''t mean you have to continue a relationship with her afterwards, that is your business.

I do think it is your son''s party and he''s too old to be "protected" by mommy now. People will hurt and manipulate all of us as we go out into the world. Your job is to be there when those things happen, and to put them in perspective, not to cocoon him at his age. Just my opinion.

 

[swingirl]

Don't put it on the shoulders of your boy by making him choose. This is a time where his parents are supposed to protect him from experiencing bad behavior. Don't invite your sister. Don't spoil your son's bar mitzvah. This day is supposed to be all about him, not the elders and not your sister. Your sister has shown you how she will behave. Don't forget it's your son's day and you are making the party!

And understandably the bar mitzvah is a coming-of-age event, but 13 is still 13.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 7/31/2008 6:53:06 PM
Author: swingirl
Don''t put it on the shoulders of your boy by making him choose. This is a time where his parents are supposed to protect him from experiencing bad behavior. Don''t invite your sister. Don''t spoil your son''s bar mitzvah. This day is supposed to be all about him, not the elders and not your sister. Your sister has shown you how she will behave. Don''t forget it''s your son''s day and you are making the party!

And understandably the bar mitzvah is a coming-of-age event, but 13 is still 13.

+++++1000 times!

don''t know what she did to your son but does your hubby want her to do it to any of your other children? don''t open the door for her to be there. make it clear to the family that she is not welcome. you owe no one an explanation unless you want to give one.

movie zombie

 

[2Artists]

Part of a womans job, a mothers job is to protect and defend her children like a lioness. I think this extends to protecting all children in our lives with the same care as we would are our own.

I am the queen of manners but anyone who hurts children in any way shape or form can hit the road. Too bad if it makes someone who perpetrates any type of hurt on children uncomfortable. Too bad if other people don''t understand. That is their problem not yours.

If she hurt your son and then tried to blame it on him that is appalling.

It is a loss not to have a good idealized sister in your life. It is a nessesary and essential to have someone who hurts your child out of their lives.

If this happened to a dear friend of yours or if one of your dear sons in adulthood dealt with a situation like this what would you tell them to do?

Protect you dear children at all costs and don''t let anyone convince you otherwise.

I''m so so sorry you are going through this.

Sending Hugs and Support

Mrs.2Artists

 

[2Artists]

Your boys will be thankful as adults to know you protected them.

Mrs.2Artists

 

[diamondfan]

I know, this is one of those lose lose sort of times...I might regret it down the line, but I am feel we have no relationship and I am willing to risk it because I KNOW if I have her it will be miserable for me. I feel she has betrayed me so many times, and is not an honest person so I cannot trust her and I do not respect her. I think my kids would love a nice aunt who truly cares for them, and does not use them, but that is not they got.

El, that is the point I made to my mom. I can hurt myself in nicks and bits or I can chop of my arm in one blow. I know her true colors and know that having her there will make me uncomfortable.

Purr, on one hand I get what you are saying, and they know what happened and that my relationship with her has always been rocky to say the least. I do not believe in hiding things from them but try to keep it basic and did not want to belabor years of crap with them. However, he is still only 13. Obviously being a man in the eyes of a religion and having a ceremony does not truly make him capable of making certain decisions and choices. He might say yes but I highly doubt this as she was never a big positive in their lives, so I think her presence is immaterial to him really. I think this night is all about my son, and the drama she created the last time because she was not the center of attention but wished to be I will not endure once again. She is not happy for me or my children, and this, coupled with her overall behavior and specific actions makes it hard for me to want her in my life at all, let alone at this event. She will be in full drama mode with the audience of the family around her, and I can only imagine the grandstanding that will go on. She has no children and is not particularly sensitive to kids, and she did not seem to understand that the bar mitzvah was not her venue for showing off and getting attention.

What she did involved bringing something into my home and sneaking it to my child and telling him to hide it from us, and lie about where he got it if we found it. It is illegal for him to have it. He told us but was clearly distraught because he knew it was wrong of her but he did not want to be a tattle tale, but knew it was not good to hide it from us. My sister seemed to think it was no biggie at all and why did I care, but she knew I would not approve even if it was fine for a 13 year old to have it, which it is not. If she thought it not a big issue, why did she sneak it in and tell my child to hide something/lie to us, a big no no in my book. Further, she never apologized and turned around and blamed HIM, stating he asked for it, which I know is not the way it went. Some people might not have an issue with the item, but for my son, who has Tourettes and OCD, it was particularly harmful for him, and not something I think most parents would give a child. Bottom line was it was the last straw, and it showed me she is willing to hurt me at any price, even if my kid needs to be in the middle for it to happen. I cannot be a hypocrite and invite her, since I do not want her. I am sad to not have a sister, but I never really did have one, so making the choice and deciding the pain of facing that was better than the pain of being in a pretend relationship was not as hard as I thought it would be. She will never be remorseful or care about hurting people, so how can I have her in my life and just be waiting for her to nail me again? Or do worse to one of my kids next time?

 

[purrfectpear]

Illegal? Brought it to a 13 year old? OooooKay then, that''s a horsie of a different color.

Nix the aunt and what the heck is your husband thinking

Hope the Bar Mitzvah is everything you hope it will be and your family has a joyous time

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

Two years ago, I made the decision to seperate my son from the toxic environment my MIL consistently provided. I have no regrets, my DH agrees, and my son does not miss the "craziness". My heart goes out to you, Caroline.

here in support--Sharon

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks Sharon! It hurts to sever ties sometimes, because I think it hurts to think we could not make it work and that someone out there is so toxic as to be harmful, but it is the right choice in the long run.

Purr, I will clarify that it is not illegal if you are of age. It was not heroin or marijuana or something that is ALWAYS illegal, but it is nothing a 13 year old could go and get at a store til he is the proper age, if that makes sense. And though there might be parents who do not really care, I did, and she knew it. She also told everyone he ASKED for it which is not the truth either. It was wrong, and she clearly knew it because she did not tell me, but snuck it in my home AND told him to protect HER if we found out. Really nice. Her defense to my mom? At least it was not drugs! (a direct quote). Oh, thanks for the fabulous clarification.

Hubby thinks she is a jerk off, and that what she did was terrible, but he thinks I should let it go. He thinks she is an idiot and might not have really realized that it was stupid as she does not have kids. Hey, her husband has kids and grandkids from his first marriage, and HE HELPED HER BY PUTTING IT UNDER HIS COAT AND GOING IN MY SON''S ROOM WITH IT. Ya think he might have been able to say, Honey, this is NOT a good thing to be doing, this is your sister''s kid, and even if you do not get it, NO WAY should you be giving this to an underage child. Meanwhile, I told her to leave us alone, and I have tried to let it go, but she keeps trying to get sympathy from my family AND she keeps sending letters to my kids behind my back. She sends them to my home addressed to them, without a return address. I intercept them if I get the mail, as I know her writing, but otherwise they grab it from the pile. She does this even though I have repeatedly emailed her not to. She just now sent my middle son a birthday card to his camp so I would not intercept it.
She is very resourceful and remembers the camp name from over 3 years ago, since no one else in my family knows it except my mom and she does not talk to her either.

 

[roppongi]

DF:

I am so sorry to that you are going through this, I can read in your posts how much pain you are in. Please for the sake of your sanity, your three beautiful sons and husband, keep her out of your precious life. She is toxic. Your son''s Bar Mitzvah should be about your son and his special day. You shouldn''t have to worry about your sister and what circus act she is going to pull. Just remember what she did at number one son''s Bar Mitzvah. Do not feel guilty over this decision as it is the right one.

Two years ago I removed myself from my husband''s side of the family - MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL and their kids. I was put in a horrible situation and said enough is enough. I called the cops, went to court, filed a restraining order and haven''t seen them since. The best decision I have ever made. I have never felt guilty.

Take care of yourself,

Roppongi

 

[diamondfan]

Ro, that sounds hideous. I seriously considered telling her I would get a restraining order against her but she is in England so it might not matter. I also told hubby if my kids, at 18, feel this burning desire to know her, I will deal with that then, but til then, I am in control and need to protect them. They do not know the terrors I dealt with growing up with her. I have not wanted to go into too much, because there were times I thought she was a changed person and might be able to be in our lives, and be a good aunt and sister etc, but sadly I was wrong. I will always be honest and open with my kids about stuff, in degrees so as not to overwhelm them, but if they decide to seek her out later, I will make sure they know what she is like so they can protect themselves from her.

My mom also finally realized that she will stop at nothing to hurt me, even if my kid got thrown under a bus for her to do it. She was so jealous of the weekend, I put on a very lavish party and weekend of events, my son was amazing, all of our wonderful friends were there, and she seethed with envy. I have three wonderful kids and have been married a long time, and we have a wonderful life. There were many times things have been tough for her, in her first marriage and financially, though my mom often helped her out. I was never one to root for her to fail, or one who took pleasure in bad things happening to her. I only wished happiness and success for her. However, she did not apply the same stuff to me. She never missed a chance to be a bitch to me, or to tear me down. I could give tons of examples, but the best one has to do with my ring that I got upon my 40th, my emerald cut. I had already gotten my first upgrade, which was a lovely Tiffany emerald cut three stone ring, three carats in the center and one on each side, all E VVS1. She had come to visit me and we had gone to a jeweler I know to pick up my eternity band which was my push gift in 2001. While we were there, my sister, who was divorced and had no serious boyfriend at the time, noticed a few nice engagement rings, a cushion and maybe an oval, of around 3 carats. She pointed them out to me and told me in no uncertain terms if she were to get married again she wanted THAT type of ring, size, shape, etc, and I should take note in case I was asked. Okay, fine.

Fast forward a couple of years later, she has met a British man who was skiing in Vermont with his family. She had last minute decided to go skiing to get out of NYC and a going nowhere relationship, and she meets this man New Year''s Eve. They hang out for a couple of days, and he goes back to England with his family. (he was widowed with three grown kids and 4 grandkids). By Martin Luther King day, they are in love having emailed and spoken a lot in two weeks. She tells me they are going to get married, and informs my cousin, a gemologist, that she wants a ring, at least 2 carats, blah blah. My cousin starts to look into it. Next thing that happens, she goes to LA to introduce him to our family, and shows my cousin a thin band with pave on it. She tells my cousin that NO ONE in England wears large diamonds, which I know tends to be true, and that she does not want a solitaire or large stone and that they are buying a home in the Lake District. My cousin says, fine, but you DID want a ring, so if you want it and he is willing, are you sure you really don''t want it? She assures her no way, she really does not care at all about it, and she wants to be accepted. I then go to England to attend her wedding, and she tells me I should "tone it down" because my stuff (clothes, bags and jewelry) is "too fancy" and she wouldn''t want me to be uncomfortable!!!! I tell her, this is me. I can tone it down, but honestly, this is who I am, and I think if I pretend to be something I am not it will be obvious and that if who I am embarrassed her, maybe I should not attend. Since SHE was pretending to be something she was not, she couldn''t get it. I went, and figured I could be myself and the heck with it. Now, fast forward again, and I am turning 40, about to have my 15th anniversary and my son''s bar mitzvah. I start in Spring of 05 to check out upgrading my stone, and while my mom is visiting, Tiffany''s calls me in to look at some options. I go in with my mom, see the stone I ended up buying, and have them hold it so my husband can go in to see it. My mom was going from Philly to Manchester England to see my sister and her husband. I do not tell her I am for certain getting the ring, and I do not think to tell her NOT to mention it to my sister. Well, she does. And my sister does not say a word for two months. I go to pick up my ring, and literally, as I am walking into Tiffany''s she calls my cell phone. She says, Oh I hear YOU got a new ring. Well, we are getting ME a ring too, at least three or four carats. She then tells me her husband''s son bought his wife a two carat round, and she has to have bigger than Fiona got. I say, Oh, but I thought you did not want one, and that mostly no one there wears large diamonds. Her answer, That was then, when I was trying to fit in. Now I do not care. Grant you, this was only 6 months after her wedding.
Meanwhile, I did not even have my ring yet, and that was the first thing she wanted to say to me. That kind of shows her ability to rework things to her favor. I do not think she ever did get a ring, at least I do not think so, but she really wanted one all along, and preferred to pretend to be someone different until she was safely married. Up to that point, she wanted to appear to be one way, so they would like her. The minute they were formally hitched she reverted to her old self.

 

[iluvcarats]

Hi DF

I am sorry that you are going through this yucky muck!
Just because she is your sister, she is not entitled to be in your life if she is hurtful, disrespectful, and most of all dangerous to your kids.
You are estranged from her for a reason (a good reason) which she brought upon herself. This does not seem to me to be a loss for your kids at all. I would just tell people the true story. She can make up as many lies as she wants - eventually she will get caught in them.
I hope your son''s bar mitzvah will be wonderful. Mazel Tov!

 

[Anastasia]

DF - I am so sorry for your situation. I could go on for pages, but the bottom line is that your first priority is to protect your children. Your sister seems to have some perverse desire to anger you, and the fact that she would use your child to accomplish this is heinous.

She has proved herself over and over again. Your children will in no way benefit from having her in their life.

You have been putting up with her all of your life, and now you have decided that enough is enough. Your husband needs to understand that this decision is YOURS. Generally I think decisions should be made together, but this one is for everyone''s good, and even if he doesn''t understand, he will have to accept it. You can not have this toxic influence in your life.

As far as explaining to your family, I would just tell them that there is more to the story than they know, that your decision is final, and that you don''t want to discuss it. It is not really any of their business.

I am so sorry that you are having this stress in your life. I wish you the best.

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks ILC and Anastasia.

I totally agree, I feel this is MY decision to make. My family, mostly the much older generation, is not privy to all the crap she has pulled over the years, including trying to sue my mother among other lovelies. Some of the family do recall it, but they are old and think one can just get over stuff and decide to deal, my one uncle especially since his son was killed...he feels you sort of have to deal with your family out of duty. I did try, many times, as she was my sister and I thought, I can give it one more go. Meanwhile I feel like a total idiot because at no time did I ever REALLY believe she would change, but it was in my nature to be forgiving. So I got hurt over and over again, but always forgave her. Now I think, okay family, you want to sit and think I should just be able to forgive her? It is not your life, and you have not dealt with it for as long as I did. And because I am trying to take the high road, and not blast her and enumerate all her terrible actions, she gets to paint herself as the victim and me as the unforgiving witch. She gets to cry and act all upset and so surprised that what she did was wrong and not okay, she gets to play innocent victim, which really pisses me off. But what pisses me off more is that she is still willing to lie about my son in order to come of lily white. Pretty low in my book. My cousin asked could she be unclear as to why I removed her from my life? And have I told her about the lifetime of crap and how she has made me feel over the years? If she does not by now there is nothing that is going to change that, unfortunately. And I am done sucking it up and getting hurt, especially since my children are clearly not off limits.

 

[miraclesrule]

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Caroline )))))))))))))))))))))))<--------------------bigarse hugs

It's sad. But we don't choose family. Just because one is biologically connected to a person does not grant them carte blanche into your life. Honestly, it sounds like sibling rivalry at the highest level. If there is one thing that unnerves me, it is highly manipulative people. Perhaps that is because people who are honest find it hard to play their game. Personally, I get the sense that your sister would love to undermine your standing with your sons by enticing them when they are at a very impressionable age. She probably knows that the only way to get at you is through your children. It's very pathetic, but it can be highly effective. She probably is hoping that they will think she is the "cool" sister while you are the strict Mom. Or she is cool and you are the most psychotic woman in the world

She's a poser. She is trying to get under your skin and it's working. I think she is envious of you and it is very, very sad.

My daughter made her own choice about my brother attending her wedding, and look how that turned out

And she is almost 29!! Sometimes, it just doesn't matter how much you try to protect your children from what you know to be true. Sometimes, they can only learn through their own experience, as painful as that is for us parents.

Whatever choice you make, you won't be able to control her actions. You can anticipate them though. If you anticipate her actions, you may be able to defend against them. Even if you don't invite her, she could just show up anyway. You will still need to decide how you will deal with that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Family friggin' sucks some times.

I know that you will put on an awesome event regardless of what your sister does. Please try not to let thoughts of her take anymore of your energy.

Haven: I'm so sorry about your feelings of guilt surrounding your uncle. It is so very hard not to feel guilty in situations such as that, but they are usually based on a fantasy of what could have been, otherwise known as our projections. No guilt sweetie...no more guilt.

 

[phoenixgirl]

DF, I agree that you are absolutely doing the right thing. It sounds like hubby just anticipated the tension of a Bar Mitvah to which she wasn't invited, but that doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. Your mom is no contact with her too, so I find it hard to believe that the family will judge a sister for doing the same thing her mom is doing.

I didn't really hear from my uncle for about twelve years because his wife was sick and whatever dynamic they had, he wouldn't leave her ever. And I really didn't miss him. He was just some abstraction, I have this uncle somewhere, but I had had so little interaction with him previously that I had nothing to compare it to and nothing really to miss. And like you said, what your kids would miss, if anything, is what an aunt should be, not what she is, and they'll miss out on that whether or not she's in their lives. Sometimes enough is enough, and the way she is behaving now (lying, manipulating, writing to them secretly) proves that she has not changed and will continue in old habits.

Have you researched personality disorders? You might get some insight into how she behaves and confirmation that all you can do is set boundaries with her if you match up her patterns with the descriptions of narcissistic PD, borderline PD, etc.

I wish you peace with your decision. These kinds of things are never easy, but I don't think you have any reason to second guess yourself.

Congratulations to your son and enjoy the big day!