She will be happy with anything...

[yssie]

So I follow this woman on ig—she works for one of my jewelers and recently she posted the most elaborate proposal. And a lot of people went out of their way to make it happen! Friends, family... I kept thinking how fabulous one must feel to see all that effort. But I’d be naive to think that in her case, she had nothing to do with it. It played out like a commercial for a wedding planner and jeweler, lol, after she tagged and thanked everyone. But I’m a sucker for the genuine proposals.

That's really it, isn't it? It's not about the ring itself. It's not even about the effort itself. It's about effort put specifically into making her feel wonderful.

That's why I have such an apathetic response to "I'm researching the heck out of this because I want to buy The Best Diamond" and such a heartfelt response to "Help me get her what She Would Like Best".

 

[ringbling17]

In my culture, I’m a Latina, my sisters didn’t even get engagement rings! Maybe it had to do with the fact that we were all so young. I was 20 and the only reason I got one is because We always walked by a jeweler on my to work and he knew us because of that. The jeweler actually encouraged us to get one and while it meant nothing to me—my now ex-husband Was excited to and spent 300 for a gorgeous solitaire—which was a diamond prob .25 or so—that I never wore bc I didn’t see the point. Sigh.

I was 20 as well, no college education, working as a bank teller part time and I was 5 months pregnant. When I remember the details of my wedding I cringe.
The wedding story-
We got married at City Hall on June 2nd and then we had to plan our entire wedding reception in six weeks for July 25th. DH and I were completely happy with a City Hall wedding but his parents and my parents decided that wasn’t good enough.
They had a secret meeting to discuss our marriage without any input from us and then we had to pay for everything. I hate large gatherings as I’m an introvert and if it were up to me I would’ve just had a quiet family dinner and be done with it.
Instead my mother and his mother met and picked a wedding date and my mother put a down payment for the venue (that she picked) and basically told us this is the date, time and place where you are getting married. They picked something in July bc they didn’t want me to be “too pregnant” at the wedding or else it would have been a family embarrassment.
Then she told us we had to provide for the rest. I for some stupid reason just assumed she had paid for the place in full bc she never discussed anything about payment with us. We never discussed the venue or the menu, etc. my mother did all of that on her own. Other than the venue contacting me for the seating arrangements, I had no other discussions with them until two days before the wedding. We went ahead with their plan since I assumed my mom had already paid all this money and I didn’t want her to lose it. My parents are fairly well off so they could easily have paid for the venue. I honestly thought bc she never told me there was a balance, she had taken care of it.
So we had to get a dress and flowers, the DJ, the photographer, etc. bc we felt we had no choice. Little did I know that she had paid the down payment only. Two nights before the wedding ceremony the venue called me and asked me for $10k for the final payment. I didn’t know what to do. I was 20 years old with no credit cards and had just spent all our money on the other wedding stuff that I didn’t even want. Most people plan their weddings over the course of a few months or years normally, we had 6 1/2 weeks.
So I called my mom and asked her about the final payment and she said something like “why? you have no money to pay for it” and why don’t you ask DH’s parents. I remember crying and calling my grandmother and she told me if my mom planned it and didn’t want to pay for it now then to call the wedding off. My husband had to call my mom and ask her what was going on and was she going to give us the money. We were ready to just call the whole thing off. My DH’s parents thought the place my mom picked was super fancy and said they had no money to give us.
My mom had us come the night before the wedding to pick up the balance in cash and pay the venue.
I remember the night of July 25th, after the wedding, counting out the money from our wedding gifts to pay my mom back. My grandmother was there to witness that we paid her so she couldn’t later claim that we didn’t.
We had $200 left over and we still had to pay the photographer and other things.
So basically in a span of 6 weeks we had to pay thousands of dollars for a wedding I never wanted or planned.

So we honestly just didn’t have the money to get a ring bc we had the wedding, had to get an apartment and save for a new baby.

In retrospect I am glad that I did have a wedding ceremony bc it is something I could never replace and the memories are priceless but the entire process was so stressful.

I should have just told my mom we didn’t want it but I was also scared of my mom. To this day we don’t have a great relationship. When she talks to me I feel like a 10 year old child and everything I do is wrong.

So if my husband had surprised me with a ring through all of that I would have been very happy. But probably also yelled at him bc we could have used that money for something else. Lol!

Sorry for the long post.

 

[Yelena]

I was 20 as well, no college education, working as a bank teller part time and I was 5 months pregnant. When I remember the details of my wedding I cringe.
The wedding story-
We got married at City Hall on June 2nd and then we had to plan our entire wedding reception in six weeks for July 25th. DH and I were completely happy with a City Hall wedding but his parents and my parents decided that wasn’t good enough.
They had a secret meeting to discuss our marriage without any input from us and then we had to pay for everything. I hate large gatherings as I’m an introvert and if it were up to me I would’ve just had a quiet family dinner and be done with it.
Instead my mother and his mother met and picked a wedding date and my mother put a down payment for the venue (that she picked) and basically told us this is the date, time and place where you are getting married. They picked something in July bc they didn’t want me to be “too pregnant” at the wedding or else it would have been a family embarrassment.
Then she told us we had to provide for the rest. I for some stupid reason just assumed she had paid for the place in full bc she never discussed anything about payment with us. We never discussed the venue or the menu, etc. my mother did all of that on her own. Other than the venue contacting me for the seating arrangements, I had no other discussions with them until two days before the wedding. We went ahead with their plan since I assumed my mom had already paid all this money and I didn’t want her to lose it. My parents are fairly well off so they could easily have paid for the venue. I honestly thought bc she never told me there was a balance, she had taken care of it.
So we had to get a dress and flowers, the DJ, the photographer, etc. bc we felt we had no choice. Little did I know that she had paid the down payment only. Two nights before the wedding ceremony the venue called me and asked me for $10k for the final payment. I didn’t know what to do. I was 20 years old with no credit cards and had just spent all our money on the other wedding stuff that I didn’t even want. Most people plan their weddings over the course of a few months or years normally, we had 6 1/2 weeks.
So I called my mom and asked her about the final payment and she said something like “why? you have no money to pay for it” and why don’t you ask DH’s parents. I remember crying and calling my grandmother and she told me if my mom planned it and didn’t want to pay for it now then to call the wedding off. My husband had to call my mom and ask her what was going on and was she going to give us the money. We were ready to just call the whole thing off. My DH’s parents thought the place my mom picked was super fancy and said they had no money to give us.
My mom had us come the night before the wedding to pick up the balance in cash and pay the venue.
I remember the night of July 25th, after the wedding, counting out the money from our wedding gifts to pay my mom back. My grandmother was there to witness that we paid her so she couldn’t later claim that we didn’t.
We had $200 left over and we still had to pay the photographer and other things.
So basically in a span of 6 weeks we had to pay thousands of dollars for a wedding I never wanted or planned.

So we honestly just didn’t have the money to get a ring bc we had the wedding, had to get an apartment and save for a new baby.

In retrospect I am glad that I did have a wedding ceremony bc it is something I could never replace and the memories are priceless but the entire process was so stressful.

I should have just told my mom we didn’t want it but I was also scared of my mom. To this day we don’t have a great relationship. When she talks to me I feel like a 10 year old child and everything I do is wrong.

So if my husband had surprised me with a ring through all of that I would have been very happy. But probably also yelled at him bc we could have used that money for something else. Lol!

Sorry for the long post.

I am so sorry that your mother behaved in such a controlling way. It sounds very insensitive to your wishes and your needs at the time (I mean there was a baby coming!).
I know what it’s like to have a controlling mother. That’s why I never actually got married. I couldn’t handle the drama she would have caused. I am free to marry now though, given that she isn’t dancing on this earth anymore, but I would rather spend the money on a gemmology diploma and some bling RIP Mum you crazy old coot. I love you even though you acted like a total dragon and drove me nuts sometimes.

 

[nala]

@kayla17 omg!!! I’m sorry your mom put you through that but I’m happy you do have the memories and most importantly—the marriage all these years later! Not to mention your gorgeous ring! When did you get your first ring? How did that come about?

 

[ringbling17]

@kayla17 omg!!! I’m sorry your mom put you through that but I’m happy you do have the memories and most importantly—the marriage all these years later! Not to mention your gorgeous ring! When did you get your first ring? How did that come about?

Thanks! I got it here on PS. When Our 10 year anniversary was coming around back in 2003 I started researching online and found Whiteflash ACA diamonds and the rest is history. My first ring was a 1.51 F VVS2 ACA Old Line. Back then WF used to have an old line cut and a new line cut of ACAs (I think that’s what they called it). I can’t remember what the difference was between them.

Sorry for the threadjack btw. I don’t think I’ve ever told that story. This thread just made me remember it.

 

[ringbling17]

I am so sorry that your mother behaved in such a controlling way. It sounds very insensitive to your wishes and your needs at the time (I mean there was a baby coming!).
I know what it’s like to have a controlling mother. That’s why I never actually got married. I couldn’t handle the drama she would have caused. I am free to marry now though, given that she isn’t dancing on this earth anymore, but I would rather spend the money on a gemmology diploma and some bling RIP Mum you crazy old coot. I love you even though you acted like a total dragon and drove me nuts sometimes.

Thank you! To this day I’m terrified of my mom. Can you believe I am going to be 48 years old and I’m afraid to tell my mom my opinions!? I had really low self esteem as a child bc of her. She always put me down, made me feel stupid and was verbally and physically abusive. My dad was also the same.
Everyone in my family knew this and felt so sorry for me but didn’t let me know or help me. Only my grandmother. I have a vivid memory of them arguing about me and my dad grabbing a knife and threatening my grandfather with it. After that my grandparents moved out. My grandmother always always made me feel loved and protected.
A while ago I reconnected with a childhood friend and he sent me a voice message and he basically tells me he felt so bad for me growing up. He said he used to see me sitting in the corner crying all the time or reading. I didn’t think anyone noticed it.
My childhood was not normal at all and I think that’s why I left at 18 and never looked back.

 

[missy]

Thank you! To this day I’m terrified of my mom. Can you believe I am going to be 48 years old and I’m afraid to tell my mom my opinions!? I had really low self esteem as a child bc of her. She always put me down, made me feel stupid and was verbally and physically abusive. My dad was also the same.
Everyone in my family knew this and felt so sorry for me but didn’t let me know or help me. Only my grandmother. I have a vivid memory of them arguing about me and my dad grabbing a knife and threatening my grandfather with it. After that my grandparents moved out. My grandmother always always made me feel loved and protected.
A while ago I reconnected with a childhood friend and he sent me a voice message and he basically tells me he felt so bad for me growing up. He said he used to see me sitting in the corner crying all the time or reading. I didn’t think anyone noticed it.
My childhood was not normal at all and I think that’s why I left at 18 and never looked back.

@kayla17 all the more a testament to who you are....you are an amazing person so strong and brave and smart and caring. You overcame tremendous obstacles and challenges and are an amazing individual. I am so sorry for all you went through. (((HUGS))).

 

[tyty333]

@kayla17 What kind of parents plan a wedding and then stick their kids with the bill??? I'm glad you do have some good memories from it.
I'm sorry it was such a stressful time for you.

 

[inne]

Oh my, I

Thank you! To this day I’m terrified of my mom. Can you believe I am going to be 48 years old and I’m afraid to tell my mom my opinions!? I had really low self esteem as a child bc of her. She always put me down, made me feel stupid and was verbally and physically abusive. My dad was also the same.
Everyone in my family knew this and felt so sorry for me but didn’t let me know or help me. Only my grandmother. I have a vivid memory of them arguing about me and my dad grabbing a knife and threatening my grandfather with it. After that my grandparents moved out. My grandmother always always made me feel loved and protected.
A while ago I reconnected with a childhood friend and he sent me a voice message and he basically tells me he felt so bad for me growing up. He said he used to see me sitting in the corner crying all the time or reading. I didn’t think anyone noticed it.
My childhood was not normal at all and I think that’s why I left at 18 and never looked back.

I'm so sorry you went through that. And I'm so glad you left! You sound like a very resilient person.

 

[ringbling17]

@kayla17 all the more a testament to who you are....you are an amazing person so strong and brave and smart and caring. You overcame tremendous obstacles and challenges and are an amazing individual. I am so sorry for alx,dl you went through. (((HUGS))).

Thank you! I appreciate you so much! Tbh I’m shocked I came out semi-normal, Lol! I do have social and driving anxiety though. That’s why I didn’t want a big wedding. I hate dancing or doing anything that will bring attention to me. A wedding definitely would make me the center of attention and I hated it. That’s probably another reason I sometimes hide my ring when I wear it. I love it but I’m embarassed that other people will see it. I’m a closet bling lover.

@kayla17 What kind of parents plan a wedding and then stick their kids with the bill??? I'm glad you do have some good memories from it.
I'm sorry it was such a stressful time for you.

Thank you! In my mom’s defense I think she believed when she had the meeting with my DH’s parents , that they were both going to split the cost of the venue. I believe this bc they were having that meeting and it was my DH’s family that asked to meet. I think in her mind she would pay for half and they would pay the other half. The problem is lack of communication.
My DH’s family do not speak English very well and in the past had their weddings at Chinese restaurants where they didn’t have seating arrangements, or a cocktail hour, etc. At least that’s what they told me when I asked them where to put their guests for the wedding. They asked me why I couldn’t just let people sit where they wanted. So I assume they just had a different type of venue in mind that was a lot less money.

 

[CSpan]

You sound like me—practical. But sometimes I get pangs of jealousy, tbh. Especially when the person proposed to is ecstatic! Like, that must be an amazing feeling—to have someone make all that effort to ensure that you are swept off your feet.

I think the proposal is the key here. Thought went into planning something that hopefully is representative of both parties. The ring is secondary in my mind, while it plays a role the asking is the key. Who wouldn't want that? But it doesn't have to be a surprise to be heartfelt and feel swept off your feet I have had 2 surprise proposals (didn't end up getting married) and one where I sort knew but how he did it was a surprise. Contestants 1 and 2 did not consult me on the ring nor on the idea of getting married. My Dad, who was called ahead of time both times, was totally caught off guard. I'm very close with my parents so he should not have been and that spoke volumes about the entire relationship(s). I wasn't in anyway expecting (or even wanting) to get married so it was a big surprise all right. Neither proposal was at a place specific to me or special to us as a couple nor were the rings. So beware, "surprise" proposals aren't all they are cracked up to be. And while both rings were lovely they were both utterly generic. Anyone who knows me for 5 minutes knows I value authentic and that I have specific tastes. Contestant #1 let me change the setting but overpaid for a poorly cut stone and got pissed when I didn't want to stop wearing my grandmother's ER (grandfather had just died and I had just received it). Contestant 2 said I could change the setting and then got hurt when u brought it up. It was well cut, he was an engineer so he was obsessed with technical perfection. I can imagine him saying "she will love it" not out of malice but more cluelessness. He never really got me.

My DH on the other hand planned a very us proposal. Incorporated so many little thoughtful elements, had his brother sneak in to take photos, and gave me a band he had handmade (speaking of FirstRing). He told me the ER was mine to pick out that he didn't want thay pressure aline and also that he wanted something utterly unique that no one else had, and hadn't seen that but knew I'd find it.

Sorry for the detour.

To the main question I think that the fact half the 20- something generation has multiple Pintrest boards with "inspiration" years before they are even dating, says everything you need to know about women having preferences. I agree it is perceived as uncouth or materialistic to say so, so this is the work around I guess. In my day it was ask her best friend, now it is go see the board. But I am sure many women say "anything will make me happy" because they A) actually believe it and B) are unaware of the horrors that some store is about to foist upon their intended or C) assume their love knows their tastes. To be fair I don't think many grooms to be know what their intended "really" likes. Not that they aren't paying attention just that there is a bewildering array of options. And as many have said, tastes change. My cousin was obsessing over a designer who does a certain style of ring. I (helpfully) pointed out that while gorgoeus the rings are set WAY too high and the complexity will make cleaning a nightmare. The cuts would be dark looking and the prongs were really prominent which may snag or be uncomfortable if it shifted. She said something like she'd take it off to wash her hands etc etc. Taking it off for everything isn't realistic, I'm not taking my ER ring off in a gas station bathroom just so I don't get water stuck in it. On some level the ring has to be wearable unless it is gonna sit in a box for pretty picture time only and she wasn't really thinking beyond "oh pretty"

Ok I rambled.

And @kayla17 I am so so sorry that you had that experience as your wedding, but I'm so glad you had your ceremony as you wanted and clearly have had many years of happiness. Good reminder that the best marriages aren't born out of big rings or fancy weddings, but mutual respect and love.

 

[Yelena]

Thank you! To this day I’m terrified of my mom. Can you believe I am going to be 48 years old and I’m afraid to tell my mom my opinions!? I had really low self esteem as a child bc of her. She always put me down, made me feel stupid and was verbally and physically abusive. My dad was also the same.
Everyone in my family knew this and felt so sorry for me but didn’t let me know or help me. Only my grandmother. I have a vivid memory of them arguing about me and my dad grabbing a knife and threatening my grandfather with it. After that my grandparents moved out. My grandmother always always made me feel loved and protected.
A while ago I reconnected with a childhood friend and he sent me a voice message and he basically tells me he felt so bad for me growing up. He said he used to see me sitting in the corner crying all the time or reading. I didn’t think anyone noticed it.
My childhood was not normal at all and I think that’s why I left at 18 and never looked back.

First, I want to say sorry for the threadjack, but I just have to type this response.

Kayla, I am so sorry. I am not surprised that you had low self esteem as a child. That’s a pretty common response in kids when the people who are meant to love and protect them unconditionally behave like that. I am so glad that you had your grandmother to show you unconditional love and show you that you are loveable and deserving of love and respect. I am also very glad that you were able to reconnect with your childhood friend and that they were able to validate some of your thoughts and feelings about your childhood. I am also not surprised that you are scared to this day to share your opinions with your mother either. She obviously hasn’t changed and you know that you will get criticism from her if you share your opinions. It’s like she just isn’t capable of being there for you in a way that we expect mothers to be there for their adult children. Again I am sorry that you are going through this. It’s hard to go through life with a mother who is not supportive of you. I can say that as I had that experience as well. The thing that helped me was to have therapy (on and off) and do a lot of reading about the topic over a period of about 20 years. It helped me to put my mother’s behaviour into perspective and not take her so personally. She had a very hard childhood and a very hard life before she had me, so she was quite damaged and not emotionally equipped for the job of raising children. The other thing that helped was that she lost a lot of her energy in the five years before she died. It takes a lot of energy to be controlling and criticising and she just didn’t have it any more, so it was nice for us to have some peace in our relationship before she departed. I do hope that your mother settles down at some point very soon and that she realises how lucky she is to have you. Even if she doesn’t, please know that you are very much worthy of receiving love and respect. Sending you big *hugs*.

 

[MamaBee]

Thank you! To this day I’m terrified of my mom. Can you believe I am going to be 48 years old and I’m afraid to tell my mom my opinions!? I had really low self esteem as a child bc of her. She always put me down, made me feel stupid and was verbally and physically abusive. My dad was also the same.
Everyone in my family knew this and felt so sorry for me but didn’t let me know or help me. Only my grandmother. I have a vivid memory of them arguing about me and my dad grabbing a knife and threatening my grandfather with it. After that my grandparents moved out. My grandmother always always made me feel loved and protected.
A while ago I reconnected with a childhood friend and he sent me a voice message and he basically tells me he felt so bad for me growing up. He said he used to see me sitting in the corner crying all the time or reading. I didn’t think anyone noticed it.
My childhood was not normal at all and I think that’s why I left at 18 and never looked back.

@kayla17 I would give you a big hug if I could. I’m so happy you have a happy life with your hubby now. I didn’t and don’t have a good relationship with my mom either. She was horrible to me my whole life. She even moved in with me and I didn’t have the nerve to tell her no. She’s going to be 95 years old...and still feisty...I’m just telling you this because I can relate. You’re not alone. Big hugs!

 

[Cerulean]

Part of the problem is that it is currently such a high stakes game. If the giver doesn’t get it right, it’s a big fail. But what if it wasn’t expected to be THE RING, but just the first ring.

Let’s start a trend that actually makes a difference.

What if we collectively created a new cultural landscape, a new standard of giving, to take pressure off the clueless but earnest proposer, and the stressed and disappointed recipient, by collectively deciding that the first ring is precious and sentimental but not the only one ever.

Some of us think this way already but the cultural landscape doesn’t support us.

We should start the trend of FirstRing. All the fun of proposals, but the ring is expected to have a shelf life on the finger, maybe a year, maybe a month. The huge decision of what to buy for the intended fiancée is less catastrophic when it fails to please because it’s only the first ring. The giver knows it’s a FirstRing so he can relax about it, and the receiver knows it’s a FirstRing so she can find it funny, or sweet, or annoying, for a while and then choose her own.

Historically, the industry has made sweeping changes to buying trends through marketing ideas like “three months salary” and other cultural messages. Why not change the whole engagement ring zeitgeist? It’s not like we can’t; we already have. “A diamond is forever” worked. A lot of rings sold and continue to do so. What if the industry could sell 30-40% more rings by changing the narrative around the experience?

We as freshly-affianced get a FirstRing for the proposal, with the second ring to come, more expensive perhaps, more custom, more carefully considered, but of our choosing.

As with all large cultural swings, it won’t turn on a dime. It takes time and lots of marketing. But it opens the door to a lot of things that are already happening: lab stones are suddenly finding their calling as the stone of choice for FirstRings, including lab CS and moissanite. Small-stone vintage and antique rings suddenly enjoy more attention, and the term “sweet” is no longer an epithet. Maul stores become less predatory because the stone details don’t need to be ‘massaged’ with comedic certificates anymore. Clueless hopefuls who come to PS for advice on choosing a ring would be relieved to find that the FirstRing trend suits them, and those with firmer opinions about stones wouldn’t be affected. Think of the millions of people who would have happier proposals. The sense of fun could return to the whole market by taking the pressure off.





When was the last time a ring made you giggle?





Exactly.





Now, I can just imagine dozens of pairs of eyeballs rolling. I know, I know. PS is not the intended market for this though! The FirstRing trend would be of real benefit to the masses. Of course, jewellers will always continue to serve enthusiasts and collectors and this would not affect people who want a specific cut or style. This trend merely removes the speedbumps from the engagement ring shopping experience. We could help millions!

Anyone want to start a thread of FirstRings?

The tone is spot on - a bit coquettish, with a dash of play (GOSH e-ring buying is so SERIOUS), and a lot of optimism about the future.

Ugh I LOVE this. All of it.

I think of all of the urban millennials I know, hopeless romantics, ideologues, with student loan debt up to their eyeballs...young persons who aspire, ONE DAY, to join the ranks of the bourgeoisie. Almost all of whom are still miles, and I mean MILES away.

 

[Gussie]

Big hugs, @kayla17. I'm so sorry that you went through that. It is a testament to your character that you have built a loving home for your family.

 

[Skyjems]

Literally every single man that walks into my office!

 

[Cerulean]

So I follow this woman on ig—she works for one of my jewelers and recently she posted the most elaborate proposal. And a lot of people went out of their way to make it happen! Friends, family... I kept thinking how fabulous one must feel to see all that effort. But I’d be naive to think that in her case, she had nothing to do with it. It played out like a commercial for a wedding planner and jeweler, lol, after she tagged and thanked everyone. But I’m a sucker for the genuine proposals.

Of course, I am over here the total skeptic - that much pomp and circumstance would make my eyes roll and make me wonder why such a spectacle was necessary. I can't help it. Ugh I also hate really deeply personal "expose" style social media posts in general that call lots of attention to oneself...

Can you tell "influencers" don't really do it for me? LOL

But these are all my problems, not judgement BTW, I am sure that is someone's dream proposal, hah!

 

[arkieb1]

I have a couple of nephews that have recently gotten married and I make the observation young women (any women for that matter) seem to fall into 2 categories;

1) they generally care more about getting married to the guy or love the guy so much and really don't care that much about what the ring looks like or how much it cost
2) they see the media, social media or like jewellery and have always wanted something and have a specific or general idea of what they want and the size (rather than the price) of what that should be

 

[123ducklings]

“She’ll be happy with anything” is a harsh way to say it, but yes the women I know in real life are much closer to this sentiment than the PS style of searching and scrutinizing every last detail.

We’ve all read threads on PS from women handling the entire engagement ring search, design, order, etc on their own — sometimes these women change their minds and reset or buy a second ring before the wedding. Absolutely no judgement, more power to them if this is what works in their relationship! But I’ve never known anyone to do anything like that in real life.

Of people I know in real life, it’s most common to discuss it, the woman will express general opinions “I like white metal” “I want a solitaire” “I don’t want a solitaire” etc, the man will take this input and a general understanding of her style (maybe she has a Pinterest board, maybe he consults her friend or sister), and then the man does the shopping/purchasing on his own. The women are genuinely thrilled and don’t change the ring, although I do know a handful of women who switched to only wearing their wedding bands after they got married. Maybe I just know a low-key crowd.

 

[tyty333]

I have a couple of nephews that have recently gotten married and I make the observation young women (any women for that matter) seem to fall into 2 categories;

1) they generally care more about getting married to the guy or love the guy so much and really don't care that much about what the ring looks like or how much it cost
2) they see the media, social media or like jewellery and have always wanted something and have a specific or general idea of what they want and the size (rather than the price) of what that should be

My DS is in the early phase of contemplating engagement. His GF is #1. She doesnt wear jewelry. I can see her saying I'll be happy with anything
but she knows my DS is conservative and wouldnt really get her anything that was way out there. I think when a guy poster says she'll be happy with
anything its more that she'll be happy because she knows he wont pick out anything odd/strange/far out there. I dont think they literally mean that the
future bride will be happy with K/L I3 in a bizarrely odd setting because "I got it for her". At least thats how I take it. Perhaps I'm being naive???

 

[msop04]

There are such strong cultural taboos against women wanting (let alone asking for) specific engagement ring characteristics... It’s “spoiled” to “demand” size, it’s “immodest” to ask for an eye catching setting, it’s “ungrateful” to be unhappy with a well-intentioned surprise that doesn’t suit aesthetically.

IMO men will be stuck guessing - sometimes incorrectly - for exactly as long as it’s taboo for women to express any strong opinions they may have.

Dang.
I'm pretty much happy to be considered spoiled, demanding, and immodest when it comes to something I'll wear and look at hundreds of times a day... but I'll own that.

 

[msop04]

If I heard a guy say this, my off the cuff response would be

“yes, she is marrying you after all”

Brilliant.

 

[msop04]

So I follow this woman on ig—she works for one of my jewelers and recently she posted the most elaborate proposal. And a lot of people went out of their way to make it happen! Friends, family... I kept thinking how fabulous one must feel to see all that effort. But I’d be naive to think that in her case, she had nothing to do with it. It played out like a commercial for a wedding planner and jeweler, lol, after she tagged and thanked everyone. But I’m a sucker for the genuine proposals.

Oh hell... I know the exact type of proposals you're talking about. To think that the woman was "totally shocked and surprised" just insults our intelligence. I know a girl (not personally, as she is a friend of a friend) that orchestrated the ENTIRE "surprise" proposal. I'm talking professional photogs and videographers on hand to get every IG-worthy moment. Super stylized. It was beautiful, of course, but the whole ruse of her wanting everyone to think her FH did it with zero input from her is laughable, at best. EVERYONE knew she was behind the entire thing, yet she insisted she had no idea... she even ugly cried on camera. I guess she was overwhelmed by her effort. Her FH looked so embarrassed through it all. I give them 4 years. LOL

 

[Roselina]

Oh hell... I know the exact type of proposals you're talking about. To think that the woman was "totally shocked and surprised" just insults our intelligence. I know a girl (not personally, as she is a friend of a friend) that orchestrated the ENTIRE "surprise" proposal. I'm talking professional photogs and videographers on hand to get every IG-worthy moment. Super stylized. It was beautiful, of course, but the whole ruse of her wanting everyone to think her FH did it with zero input from her is laughable, at best. EVERYONE knew she was behind the entire thing, yet she insisted she had no idea... she even ugly cried on camera. I guess she was overwhelmed by her effort. Her FH looked so embarrassed through it all. I give them 4 years. LOL

People tend to forget it‘s about marriage and commitment, not show. How sad.

 

[MamaBee]

My DS is in the early phase of contemplating engagement. His GF is #1. She doesnt wear jewelry. I can see her saying I'll be happy with anything
but she knows my DS is conservative and wouldnt really get her anything that was way out there. I think when a guy poster says she'll be happy with
anything its more that she'll be happy because she knows he wont pick out anything odd/strange/far out there. I dont think they literally mean that the
future bride will be happy with K/L I3 in a bizarrely odd setting because "I got it for her". At least thats how I take it. Perhaps I'm being naive???

@tyty333 Yes...This is how my daughter-in-law was. She even mentioned that she probably wouldn’t even wear the engagement ring after they were married. He had to purchase the diamond through her best friend’s family jewelry store. She just told him to pick out whatever he thought was nice. I just told him to have the diamond set into a solitaire. Later in time she could reset it. He picked a lovely setting. He kept it simple with diamonds going down the shank. The wedding band was made to match. After her first son was born he bought her a matching band which she requested. She wears it every day..I don’t know the specs other than it’s an F SI1...and a little over 1.50 ctw. She has the option to upgrade but she’s a very sentimental girl. I don’t think she will upgrade. Diamonds really aren’t something she thinks a lot about. I know she likes mine..haha I don’t have a daughter so she will get mine.

 

[ringbling17]

Hi Everyone! I just want all if you to know that I truly appreciate the kind words, encouragement and virtual HUGs! I don’t want to bring up the “Mom” subject again so I will leave this right here. Sorry for the thread jack again!

 

[tyty333]

@tyty333 Yes...This is how my daughter-in-law was. She even mentioned that she probably wouldn’t even wear the engagement ring after they were married. He had to purchase the diamond through her best friend’s family jewelry store. She just told him to pick out whatever he thought was nice. I just told him to have the diamond set into a solitaire. Later in time she could reset it. He picked a lovely setting. He kept it simple with diamonds going down the shank. The wedding band was made to match. After her first son was born he bought her a matching band which she requested. She wears it every day..I don’t know the specs other than it’s an F SI1...and a little over 1.50 ctw. She has the option to upgrade but she’s a very sentimental girl. I don’t think she will upgrade. Diamonds really aren’t something she thinks a lot about. I know she likes mine..haha I don’t have a daughter so she will get mine.

Your DIL will be a lucky girl! You have great taste! My (hopefully) future DIL is into horses. She'd probably rather spend the money on a
horse trailer !

 

[MamaBee]

Your DIL will be a lucky girl! You have great taste! My (hopefully) future DIL is into horses. She'd probably rather spend the money on a
horse trailer !

Thank you @tyty333 I’m so lucky to have my daughter-in-law. I hope your future daughter-in-law loves horses...A horse trailer can be blinged out! Haha

 

[Rons Wolfe]

"She will be happy with anything..." = "I can't be bothered with getting her something she likes, after all she's lucky to have me".

When my husband proposed to me it came at the end of a long conversation where we basically laid our hearts out in the open for each other. We'd been struggling, we turned our relationship completely around. So he didn't already have a ring, and he never intended to buy one without my input. He showed me a pic of what he had in mind, but it more more to make clear that what he had in mind was an engagement/wedding ring that just a pretty ring. After that we both talked about what we wanted in the ring, and looked until we found just the right stone, and a setting we both love. Not saying I wouldn't have accepted any ring he gave me, but it just means so much more that he put such thought and love into it.

 

[tuckie]

This is such an interesting thread.

Just like so many parts of culture, this "surprise engagement + ring" is such a trap for both men and women. Our culture has somehow convinced men that they alone need to choose when the couple will decide to marry, how to propose, decide how much to spend on the ring and raise the funds, pick a ring to her tastes, etc. And we've convinced (many) men that to deviate from this "fairytale" script would be emasculating for them and disappointing for the women they love. This can't be good for men.

At the same time, the culture tells women they should wait / pine for their partner to discuss marriage (note the name of the PS Ladies in Waiting forum), never express preferences about proposal or ring, not contribute financially to the ring, and be completely thrilled with whatever their partner presents because it is from him. This can't be good for women.

A marriage is a partnership, and this is terrible practice for partnership. I love the FirstRing idea, I love heartfelt proposals, I love romantic gestures, I love whatever configurations are actually right for the couples involved. I just wish more couples felt unrestrained by the expectations of "how a proposal is supposed to happen"