She wanted an X but I got her a Y instead

[Lula]

I just read another thread where the guy says that he knows that his girlfriend wants a specific type of stone. He goes shopping, doesn't like the type of stone she prefers, and buys her what he prefers. Why do guys do this? If I was buying an expensive gift for my husband and I knew he had a specific preference for a certain brand of golf clubs, for example, I would never go out on a limb and buy him a completely different brand of clubs because I didn't "like" the brand he chose. Sorry, just had to vent, but didn't want to vent in the thread. Carry on!

 

[kenny]

Maybe he thinks even though she likes X she would also like any other letter of the alphabet that HE picked out ... just because heee picked it out ... awwww ... how cute ... I LOVE it honey!

Personally I think that's arrogant and rude if my SO did it, but if both he and she feel that him ignoring what she wanted and picking something else is groovy, then so be it.

 

[Kelinas]

My husband did this.
I asked for a Spinel engagement ring. Told him I can do everything to get it (pick the stone, setting and execute it. We had a odd proposal and married without rings.)
He went and got me a diamond ring. It's not that I don't like it but it was something we clearly discussed.

But that's typical of my husband and i Love him regardless

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I just read another thread where the guy says that he knows that his girlfriend wants a specific type of stone. He goes shopping, doesn't like the type of stone she prefers, and buys her what he prefers. Why do guys do this? If I was buying an expensive gift for my husband and I knew he had a specific preference for a certain brand of golf clubs, for example, I would never go out on a limb and buy him a completely different brand of clubs because I didn't "like" the brand he chose. Sorry, just had to vent, but didn't want to vent in the thread. Carry on!

I'm not sure which thread you're talking about but maybe a guy figures since he's spending A LOT of money, it should be something he can appreciate. I don't go along with that logic since an ER is a gift and it should be a style the woman loves. If it's REALLY such an issue that he doesn't like the type of stone she likes, the couple should sit down and talk about alternatives. I do think this is part of a general trend w/some people though - they buy gifts they THEMSELF would love, not what the other person would, so it could be that?

 

[Lula]

Maybe he thinks even though she likes X she would also like any other letter of the alphabet that HE picked out ... just because heee picked it out ... awwww ... how cute ... I LOVE it honey! <Snort> Yup, there area a more than a few guys on RT with that attitude./b]

Personally I think that's arrogant and rude if my SO did it,Yes, same for me and my husband -- it would come off as arrogant but if both he and she feel that him ignoring what she wanted and picking something else is groovy, then so be it.I certainly hope this is the case!

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Maybe he thinks even though she likes X she would also like any other letter of the alphabet that HE picked out ... just because heee picked it out ... awwww ... how cute ... I LOVE it honey!

Personally I think that's arrogant and rude if my SO did it, but if both he and she feel that him ignoring what she wanted and picking something else is groovy, then so be it.

Yes, I agree! It's arrogant. Very arrogant.

 

[Lula]

My husband did this.
I asked for a Spinel engagement ring. Told him I can do everything to get it (pick the stone, setting and execute it. We had a odd proposal and married without rings.)
He went and got me a diamond ring. It's not that I don't like it but it was something we clearly discussed.

But that's typical of my husband and i Love him regardless

Actually, this sounds like more of a charming personality quirk (that you love him for), and not at all arrogant.

 

[Lula]

I just read another thread where the guy says that he knows that his girlfriend wants a specific type of stone. He goes shopping, doesn't like the type of stone she prefers, and buys her what he prefers. Why do guys do this? If I was buying an expensive gift for my husband and I knew he had a specific preference for a certain brand of golf clubs, for example, I would never go out on a limb and buy him a completely different brand of clubs because I didn't "like" the brand he chose. Sorry, just had to vent, but didn't want to vent in the thread. Carry on!

I'm not sure which thread you're talking about but maybe a guy figures since he's spending A LOT of money, it should be something he can appreciate.Yes, that seems to be the reasoning I don't go along with that logic since an ER is a gift and it should be a style the woman loves. Totally agree If it's REALLY such an issue that he doesn't like the type of stone she likes, the couple should sit down and talk about alternatives.Yeah, I guess that's what bothered me the most -- this is to be a surprise! Hope his gf is not disappointed. I do think this is part of a general trend w/some people though - they buy gifts they THEMSELF would love, not what the other person would, so it could be that? Maybe, but what bugged me was the tone of his post -- it was as if he completely dismissed her preference in favor of his, because he thought his choice was "better."

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I have seen that here from time to time, and I always think that those marriages have a bad strike against them at the outset. Part of having a successful marriage is to be sensitive to the needs and desires of the other. It does not bode well at all for a guy to be so self-absorbed that he ignores her preferences and get what he likes instead. The only exception I can think of is if a girl shows the guy a ring she likes in a cheap mall store, then I think he should get the closest thing to it in a higher quality stone and setting elsewhere.

 

[Lula]

I have seen that here from time to time, and I always think that those marriages have a bad strike against them at the outset.I agree with you. Part of having a successful marriage is to be sensitive to the needs and desires of the other. Exactly. It does not bode well at all for a guy to be so self-absorbed that he ignores her preferences and get what he likes instead.Self-absorbed -- what a good way to describe it, DS. The only exception I can think of is if a girl shows the guy a ring she likes in a cheap mall store, then I think he should get the closest thing to it in a higher quality stone and setting elsewhere.Yes, and I think the regulars on PS do a great job of finding higher-quality versions of the style the gf likes. Those are some of my favorite threads.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I just read another thread where the guy says that he knows that his girlfriend wants a specific type of stone. He goes shopping, doesn't like the type of stone she prefers, and buys her what he prefers. Why do guys do this? If I was buying an expensive gift for my husband and I knew he had a specific preference for a certain brand of golf clubs, for example, I would never go out on a limb and buy him a completely different brand of clubs because I didn't "like" the brand he chose. Sorry, just had to vent, but didn't want to vent in the thread. Carry on!

I'm not sure which thread you're talking about but maybe a guy figures since he's spending A LOT of money, it should be something he can appreciate.Yes, that seems to be the reasoning I don't go along with that logic since an ER is a gift and it should be a style the woman loves. Totally agree If it's REALLY such an issue that he doesn't like the type of stone she likes, the couple should sit down and talk about alternatives.Yeah, I guess that's what bothered me the most -- this is to be a surprise! Hope his gf is not disappointed. I do think this is part of a general trend w/some people though - they buy gifts they THEMSELF would love, not what the other person would, so it could be that? Maybe, but what bugged me was the tone of his post -- it was as if he completely dismissed her preference in favor of his, because he thought his choice was "better."

Well, she gave him the cut she wants and he ignored her...I can't imagine telling my boyfriend, I LOVE X cut and then getting something entirely different. I'd be rather turned off by the whole thing. But, then again, I've been married a long enough time to see this is a bit of a red flag!

I've found that if I'm buying jewelry, my dh will give me a budget and I'll get exactly what I want...now, if I leave it up to him, I WILL end up with electronics or snow gear (and I don't like cold weather). It's happened multiple times. lol

 

[Circe]

This hasn't happened to me with anything significant, happily for my psyche and my wallet ... but I can understand HOW it would happen, particularly after this Mother's Day.

My husband and I have oppositional gift-giving strategies. I grew up loving to plan custom things - it was a togetherness activity! He thinks that all wish-lists, even wedding registries, are a tool of the devil, and if people love you, they will surprise you with something you never even knew you wanted.

Yeah. That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

So, anyway. For Mother's Day, I told him I wanted something incorporating our son's name. A ring with his name engraved on it ... apiece of jewelry in the shape of his initial - with an "O" name, that's easy, right?

He got me a Zazzle pendant of the painting below. Which translates to it being a piece of paper covered with some cheap lacquer. Which, btw, cost WAY MORE than the second-hand O-shaped pendant I'd sent him several links to.

Check out the possessed gargoyle-Puck in the lower-left-hand-corner. If that doesn't spell "nightmares-the-next-time-you're-in-labor," I don't know what will!

The thing is, he's genuinely a great guy who believes in autonomy and choice and personal taste. We picked my e-ring together! We squabbled merrily over wedding band designs before figuring we didn't have to match, we just had to be individually happy! He's just non-consumerist enough himself that I think he thinks he can, like, find a jewelry thing I don't know about that I LOVE and it will be like introducing me to a new restaurant, or something.

Yeah, NO.

When it comes to the e-rings, I think it's sort of the same thought process. I think these dudes have good intentions ... it's just that there's no equivalent. There is literally NO THING a dude is expected to wear for his entire life that gets them thinking long-term. And when you couple that with this weird-ass gift-giving strategy ... DISASTER.

On the plus side, they can be trained out of it. Trust me, I speak from experience.

 

[Kelinas]

My husband did this.
I asked for a Spinel engagement ring. Told him I can do everything to get it (pick the stone, setting and execute it. We had a odd proposal and married without rings.)
He went and got me a diamond ring. It's not that I don't like it but it was something we clearly discussed.

But that's typical of my husband and i Love him regardless

Actually, this sounds like more of a charming personality quirk (that you love him for), and not at all arrogant.

he did it with my car too.
I wanted a Smart Fortwo.
He said sure to me and came home with a hyundai Accent.
"Its your countries car........er.....um......you are NOT getting a smart car. It looks stupid....."
Potato pohtato, i got a new car anyways, just would be nice to actually get something I choose.
Kek

 

[Polished]

I'm on the woman's side when it comes to an engagement ring but I wonder what it's like for a guy to have to fork out a large sum of money for some ghastly thing he can't stand. There's probably only one thing worse - a woman having to politely swallow some ghastly ring she can't stand.

 

[arkieb1]

My husband did this.
I asked for a Spinel engagement ring. Told him I can do everything to get it (pick the stone, setting and execute it. We had a odd proposal and married without rings.)
He went and got me a diamond ring. It's not that I don't like it but it was something we clearly discussed.

But that's typical of my husband and i Love him regardless

Actually, this sounds like more of a charming personality quirk (that you love him for), and not at all arrogant.

he did it with my car too.
I wanted a Smart Fortwo.
He said sure to me and came home with a hyundai Accent.
"Its your countries car........er.....um......you are NOT getting a smart car. It looks stupid....."
Potato pohtato, i got a new car anyways, just would be nice to actually get something I choose.
Kek

OMG we must have husbands with similar personalities - I have had the same issues my husband - he picked an engagement ring he liked spent ages picking the stone and then decided to enlist his mother to help him make the ring, which I hated from day one. A few years later he bought me a new car which I also hated (a new 2 door mini made by BMW) despite me telling him 1000 times I wanted an entirely different type of car a 4 door small 4 wheel drive that was cheaper than the car he bought. This resulted in a massive massive fight at the car dealers (he took me there blindfolded as a surprise and had paid for the car already).....

Most birthday and xmas gifts are the same I can tell him what I like, even write him a list and he will still go with something HE thinks that I will like because he wants to surprise me and I usually end up hating it. I suppose if I had a more chilled out personality I would go hey he is sweet to buy me these things, and I applaud all guys for trying, but honestly it has created years of tension, drama and discord in our marriage that did not need to be there. Two strong willed people with strong personalities, guys go with what the girl wants, making her happy will make your life easier!!!! Happy wife = happy life, it's true.

 

[JewelFreak]

Maybe guys do that because they're young goons who do not understand how important it is to a woman to LOVE her e-ring. To them, a ring is a ring is a ring -- see one, you've seen them all. Lack of sensitivity & I agree, it doesn't bode well for the future, though some can be trained out of it. I would have hated anything DH bought -- he has no taste in jewelry because jewelry is an irrelevancy to him -- after 10 years I would've confessed I couldn't stand my ring & he'd be amazed. Ha!

You can be trained to get only what you're asked for -- he trained me. If a gift isn't precisely what he wants, he throws a sulk fit, so I've learned not to get inventive. Doesn't make Christmas much fun -- I love surprises -- but it is the only way to do it here.

--- Laurie

 

[SB621]

This is going to come off a bit more judging and harsh then I mean it to you but I always feel those guys that don't listen to their GF's wants etc...will either have a Stanford wife or they pretty much explain the divorce rate at 50%. I realize this does not extend to every guy that gets a different ring then what his SO wants, but a blatant disregard for their own personal selfish reasons just doesn't sit well with me.

 

[rosetta]

This hasn't happened to me with anything significant, happily for my psyche and my wallet ... but I can understand HOW it would happen, particularly after this Mother's Day.

My husband and I have oppositional gift-giving strategies. I grew up loving to plan custom things - it was a togetherness activity! He thinks that all wish-lists, even wedding registries, are a tool of the devil, and if people love you, they will surprise you with something you never even knew you wanted.

Yeah. That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

So, anyway. For Mother's Day, I told him I wanted something incorporating our son's name. A ring with his name engraved on it ... apiece of jewelry in the shape of his initial - with an "O" name, that's easy, right?

He got me a Zazzle pendant of the painting below. Which translates to it being a piece of paper covered with some cheap lacquer. Which, btw, cost WAY MORE than the second-hand O-shaped pendant I'd sent him several links to.

Check out the possessed gargoyle-Puck in the lower-left-hand-corner. If that doesn't spell "nightmares-the-next-time-you're-in-labor," I don't know what will!

The thing is, he's genuinely a great guy who believes in autonomy and choice and personal taste. We picked my e-ring together! We squabbled merrily over wedding band designs before figuring we didn't have to match, we just had to be individually happy! He's just non-consumerist enough himself that I think he thinks he can, like, find a jewelry thing I don't know about that I LOVE and it will be like introducing me to a new restaurant, or something.

Yeah, NO.

When it comes to the e-rings, I think it's sort of the same thought process. I think these dudes have good intentions ... it's just that there's no equivalent. There is literally NO THING a dude is expected to wear for his entire life that gets them thinking long-term. And when you couple that with this weird-ass gift-giving strategy ... DISASTER.

On the plus side, they can be trained out of it. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Hold up. Am I married to a bigamist? I swear he is EXACTLY THE SAME. It hurts the man's sensibilities to even entertain the idea that any gift should, heaven forbid, be something requested. No sir. They must be completely An Original Thought. Which must then be Cherished in a Rhapsody of Delight by the recipient. Never mind that the gift may be Utterly Useless, Inappropriate and Vile.

It's my birthday tomorrow. For the first time in history, Mr Rosetta is buying me something I want UNRELUCTANTLY.

Citizens, rejoice!

 

[Rhea]

We see that here all the time and I experienced it with my own engagement ring to some extent (compromised my desires quite a bit because he didn't like my top choices). I don't think it's a smart move, especially for an engagement ring. The woman is expected to treasure the ring and wear it everyday. It seems that men also get quite sentimental so there's not always a nice way to bring up how much it reminds you of his being inconsiderate if you're the woman. I wouldn't want to a reminder of that on my finger everyday.

I personally worked around that issue by picking my wedding ring, which clashes to the point where the two rings can't be worn together. The engagement ring I suppose could be worn on my right hand except that I have a tendancy to use it a lot and bang it into things. Problem solved! The engagement ring has become less and less important over time but I'll never forget not getting what I wanted for such an important gift.

ETA: I think even when men read threads like this they assume that it doesn't apply to them, that their partner doesn't think like this. After receiving the ring the woman is put into a position where nothing good from bringing it up so what's the point. And the silence to the partner probably just reinforces the behaviour. It's a lose-lose situation.

 

[Circe]

This hasn't happened to me with anything significant, happily for my psyche and my wallet ... but I can understand HOW it would happen, particularly after this Mother's Day.

My husband and I have oppositional gift-giving strategies. I grew up loving to plan custom things - it was a togetherness activity! He thinks that all wish-lists, even wedding registries, are a tool of the devil, and if people love you, they will surprise you with something you never even knew you wanted.

Yeah. That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

So, anyway. For Mother's Day, I told him I wanted something incorporating our son's name. A ring with his name engraved on it ... apiece of jewelry in the shape of his initial - with an "O" name, that's easy, right?

He got me a Zazzle pendant of the painting below. Which translates to it being a piece of paper covered with some cheap lacquer. Which, btw, cost WAY MORE than the second-hand O-shaped pendant I'd sent him several links to.

Check out the possessed gargoyle-Puck in the lower-left-hand-corner. If that doesn't spell "nightmares-the-next-time-you're-in-labor," I don't know what will!

The thing is, he's genuinely a great guy who believes in autonomy and choice and personal taste. We picked my e-ring together! We squabbled merrily over wedding band designs before figuring we didn't have to match, we just had to be individually happy! He's just non-consumerist enough himself that I think he thinks he can, like, find a jewelry thing I don't know about that I LOVE and it will be like introducing me to a new restaurant, or something.

Yeah, NO.

When it comes to the e-rings, I think it's sort of the same thought process. I think these dudes have good intentions ... it's just that there's no equivalent. There is literally NO THING a dude is expected to wear for his entire life that gets them thinking long-term. And when you couple that with this weird-ass gift-giving strategy ... DISASTER.

On the plus side, they can be trained out of it. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Hold up. Am I married to a bigamist? I swear he is EXACTLY THE SAME. It hurts the man's sensibilities to even entertain the idea that any gift should, heaven forbid, be something requested. No sir. They must be completely An Original Thought. Which must then be Cherished in a Rhapsody of Delight by the recipient. Never mind that the gift may be Utterly Useless, Inappropriate and Vile.

It's my birthday tomorrow. For the first time in history, Mr Rosetta is buying me something I want UNRELUCTANTLY.

Citizens, rejoice!

WOOHOO, and happy birthday! What was it that turned the worm for him? And what are you getting?

With mine, it is/will be (we just had this conversation) his touching analogy, "Gift lists are ... impersonal. I mean, would you rather have a gift someone concentrated on for two hours, or something their secretary just picked off a list with a budget?"

I actually burst out laughing. TWO WHOLE HOURS. Given that the corollary to his gift-giving is that he never hints and we have to read his mind to figure out what he wants, I don't think I've ever spent less than two MONTHS worrying about what to get him.

Hopefully, we've found a middle ground between the two extremes. If not, I swear to god his next gift will be the Zazzle guy-necklace of this:

 

[ChristineRose]

My theory:

He goes into a mall jeweler because he thinks mall jewelers are cheaper than mom and pop. A clerk meets him, and he asks for an X.

"X is pretty uncommon." The clerk pulls a few X. He looks at them. They're ugly and a lot more expensive than he expected.

"We have some nice Y." The clerk pulls some Y. They look a little better. There's an F, a G, and a D. They all look alike to him, and they are all about the same price. He buys the EGL D.

 

[arkieb1]

This is going to come off a bit more judging and harsh then I mean it to you but I always feel those guys that don't listen to their GF's wants etc...will either have a Stanford wife or they pretty much explain the divorce rate at 50%. I realize this does not extend to every guy that gets a different ring then what his SO wants, but a blatant disregard for their own personal selfish reasons just doesn't sit well with me.

I guess its a lose/lose situation for me. My husband isn't a control freak or a really bad guy. He spent 8+ months and consulted all his family members buying me an e-ring. And about 6+ months planning the car. He bought me an eternity band as a push present, took a female work college with him to shop and ignored everything she said to him and purchased what he thought was fantastic, and what he thought I would really love. In each of these cases he was trying to put a lot of thought and effort into a amazing and wonderful surprise. I have totally different taste to him and his mother and his sister for that matter too... He was totally devastated that I didn't like, let alone love his choices.

It makes for a horrible situation in a good marriage - you have a husband trying desperately to please a wife, a wife trying not to come across as a cow for hating everything but maintaining her own likes/dislikes and identity.

Like a few others here we have men that think a total surprise is the whole kick behind gift giving. I can give him a list of items and these days he will humour me and buy one or two things on the list, but mostly his idea of a great gift is something I don't know about.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Arkie, that is the whole problem. He wants the pleasure of giving a great surprise rather than having pleasure in genuinely pleasing YOU! That is the root of the problem in the original post.

I taught my husband this early on, and I think it may be a key to how we have managed to stay married. He did want to surprise me with gifts when we were dating and first married. I remember in the first couple of years him choosing a random mall store and buying me clothes. Ugly, awful clothes from a store that I would have never walked in! A few inexpensive jewelry items that I'd never wear. Yes, I have hurt his feelings while thanking him for the thought but explaining that no one could know my taste and preferences but me. He learned that it did not make me happy to have surprises. It was better for him to have a list of things I wanted and he could choose one. Ever since, I have received gifts that I love because they are things that I have wanted and he wants me to be happy. He is proud of these diamond upgrade rings and other jewelry that he has paid for and make me happy. I do let him surprise me with things like flowers without telling him which ones I like best, since all flowers are relatively pretty and die in a week anyway!

But never in my life has my husband gone out and bought a car for me without me participating. You girls need to get a handle on that. Tell him if he gets to choose your car, then next time you'll surprise him when he needs a new one. Maybe he'll get the idea.

 

[Enerchi]

I think if the ering is something she is going to wear for life (or, if she's on PS, more realistically - until the next upgrade ) I would love it if the purchaser would respect the wishes of the recipient and get what was suggested/admired/adored/recommended/"talked about incessantly for months" leading up to the purchase. The poor girl has her heart set on something - does he not see that??? Are the cues not that obvious? or if they are obvious, why not give her what she wants?

I don't understand the sudden flip to 'go rogue' and think "Hey! I know that XYZ was what we spent hours talking about and she ooohed and aaaahed and loved it, but now that I'm here w cash in hand, I'm totally lovin' the ABC in front of me" Buddy --- this MAY NOT go as well as you planned!! just sayin'

Oh well - its not going to change and there will always be guys who don't get what the girl is dreaming of, I just hope she is able to speak up and be ok w exchanging it for what she would REALLY love.



.....And I'm in total agreement that you can 'retrain' these independant thinkers!

 

[momhappy]

I would be annoyed if my husband had to "control" gift-giving in such a manner. If I express a desire for something, then my husband follows through on that - not what he wants. What kind of gift-giving is that????
After being married for so long, my husband and I usually pick out something for ourselves, buy it, and just assume it's a "gift" from the other. It makes it a whole lot easier. I get what i want and he gets what he wants. Problems solved

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I would be annoyed if my husband had to "control" gift-giving in such a manner. If I express a desire for something, then my husband follows through on that - not what he wants. What kind of gift-giving is that????
After being married for so long, my husband and I usually pick out something for ourselves, buy it, and just assume it's a "gift" from the other. It makes it a whole lot easier. I get what i want and he gets what he wants. Problems solved

 

[Kelinas]

My husband did this.
I asked for a Spinel engagement ring. Told him I can do everything to get it (pick the stone, setting and execute it. We had a odd proposal and married without rings.)
He went and got me a diamond ring. It's not that I don't like it but it was something we clearly discussed.

But that's typical of my husband and i Love him regardless

Actually, this sounds like more of a charming personality quirk (that you love him for), and not at all arrogant.

he did it with my car too.
I wanted a Smart Fortwo.
He said sure to me and came home with a hyundai Accent.
"Its your countries car........er.....um......you are NOT getting a smart car. It looks stupid....."
Potato pohtato, i got a new car anyways, just would be nice to actually get something I choose.
Kek

OMG we must have husbands with similar personalities - I have had the same issues my husband - he picked an engagement ring he liked spent ages picking the stone and then decided to enlist his mother to help him make the ring, which I hated from day one. A few years later he bought me a new car which I also hated (a new 2 door mini made by BMW) despite me telling him 1000 times I wanted an entirely different type of car a 4 door small 4 wheel drive that was cheaper than the car he bought. This resulted in a massive massive fight at the car dealers (he took me there blindfolded as a surprise and had paid for the car already).....

Most birthday and xmas gifts are the same I can tell him what I like, even write him a list and he will still go with something HE thinks that I will like because he wants to surprise me and I usually end up hating it. I suppose if I had a more chilled out personality I would go hey he is sweet to buy me these things, and I applaud all guys for trying, but honestly it has created years of tension, drama and discord in our marriage that did not need to be there. Two strong willed people with strong personalities, guys go with what the girl wants, making her happy will make your life easier!!!! Happy wife = happy life, it's true.

Omg exactly!!!!!! If I specifically tell you I want something, then get it
If I hate it then too bad for me, but at least it's something I wanted. We do this for every birthday and Christmas.
One Christmas I asked him what he wanted and he said socks. -.- I got him socks, put it in a grand ol' box and voila Christmas morning comes, he opens the box and looked crestfallen. He didn't say anything but you could tell he wasn't pleased. So I let him gloat for about an hour and gave his real present (3 day stay at a snowboarding resort) and he lit up.....
then tells me that I can't even get him what he asked for so why do I get so unhappy when he does it
/sigh. SOCKS! You compare what I want with socks. There was so many things going through my mind, like momentary insanity and wanting to rip the reservation tickets but I didn't want to fight.
I don't even want to talk about what he got me
Now we have this lame deal where I buy myself something and say its from him. I guess it works out better that way
In every other way, he's great. Just not in gift giving.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

I do want to add one more thing about the car issue. Cars are my husband's hobby (a specific kind) and he knows a lot about them, so if I like a certain car and he tells me it has horrible reliability or something, then I certainly take his advice. But if I am deciding between reliable cars such as Honda or Toyota, for example, I choose whatever car I want.

 

[luv2sparkle]

My hubby has done this a few times in the early years of marriage for different reasons. Sometimes, he just didn't get that I wanted that specific thing, other times he wasn't willing to purchase the thing I wanted. It always ended up badly for him. I always purchased everything he wanted and exactly what he wanted. Gift giving was always a problem. We just didn't approach it the same way. Now he listens carefully and makes a note when I say I like something. The only problem with that is, sometimes I change my mind and have moved on to something else and he purchases the thing I said I loved six months ago. But hey, I am not going to complain, he has come a long way.

He did buy me a necklace last year that I wanted in oval but he say a heart and liked that better. But those things I have to let go and just love it because it came from him. An e ring though is not quite so easy to be happy with. I think that is a case that is going to end badly for said groom to be!

 

[iheartscience]

Arkie, that is the whole problem. He wants the pleasure of giving a great surprise rather than having pleasure in genuinely pleasing YOU! That is the root of the problem in the original post.

I taught my husband this early on, and I think it may be a key to how we have managed to stay married. He did want to surprise me with gifts when we were dating and first married. I remember in the first couple of years him choosing a random mall store and buying me clothes. Ugly, awful clothes from a store that I would have never walked in! A few inexpensive jewelry items that I'd never wear. Yes, I have hurt his feelings while thanking him for the thought but explaining that no one could know my taste and preferences but me. He learned that it did not make me happy to have surprises. It was better for him to have a list of things I wanted and he could choose one. Ever since, I have received gifts that I love because they are things that I have wanted and he wants me to be happy. He is proud of these diamond upgrade rings and other jewelry that he has paid for and make me happy. I do let him surprise me with things like flowers without telling him which ones I like best, since all flowers are relatively pretty and die in a week anyway!

But never in my life has my husband gone out and bought a car for me without me participating. You girls need to get a handle on that. Tell him if he gets to choose your car, then next time you'll surprise him when he needs a new one. Maybe he'll get the idea.

Ditto this. It's inherently selfish to get someone something just because YOU want to get it for them, rather than getting them something that they actually want. The first one is for yourself, the second one is actually a gift.

Lucky for me, I have a big mouth and a twin sister, so when my husband I and were dating, I let him know my feelings on surprises, and called him out for wanting to get me things that essentially he wants. I also occasionally had my twin sister tell him what to buy me so he felt like he was surprising me AND it was something I wanted. A little duplicitous but if it makes him happy, why not?

Now that we're married and our money is combined I usually just tell him not to get me anything unless there's something specific I want. I buy myself whatever I want anyway, so it doesn't make sense for me to think of something I want just because it happens to be my birthday or whatever.