She wanted an X but I got her a Y instead

[iheartscience]

This hasn't happened to me with anything significant, happily for my psyche and my wallet ... but I can understand HOW it would happen, particularly after this Mother's Day.

My husband and I have oppositional gift-giving strategies. I grew up loving to plan custom things - it was a togetherness activity! He thinks that all wish-lists, even wedding registries, are a tool of the devil, and if people love you, they will surprise you with something you never even knew you wanted.

Yeah. That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

So, anyway. For Mother's Day, I told him I wanted something incorporating our son's name. A ring with his name engraved on it ... apiece of jewelry in the shape of his initial - with an "O" name, that's easy, right?

He got me a Zazzle pendant of the painting below. Which translates to it being a piece of paper covered with some cheap lacquer. Which, btw, cost WAY MORE than the second-hand O-shaped pendant I'd sent him several links to.

Check out the possessed gargoyle-Puck in the lower-left-hand-corner. If that doesn't spell "nightmares-the-next-time-you're-in-labor," I don't know what will!

The thing is, he's genuinely a great guy who believes in autonomy and choice and personal taste. We picked my e-ring together! We squabbled merrily over wedding band designs before figuring we didn't have to match, we just had to be individually happy! He's just non-consumerist enough himself that I think he thinks he can, like, find a jewelry thing I don't know about that I LOVE and it will be like introducing me to a new restaurant, or something.

Yeah, NO.

When it comes to the e-rings, I think it's sort of the same thought process. I think these dudes have good intentions ... it's just that there's no equivalent. There is literally NO THING a dude is expected to wear for his entire life that gets them thinking long-term. And when you couple that with this weird-ass gift-giving strategy ... DISASTER.

On the plus side, they can be trained out of it. Trust me, I speak from experience.

WTF would possess him to get you that?! HA sweet Jesus. That is not even close to being your style, and I've met you once! I hope you bought the secondhand O pendant yourself after that!

 

[junebug17]

I actually find it a bit disturbing when a guy posting on PS for advice knows his gf's specific preferences, completely ignores them and wants to buy what he likes. I just do not get it and it really bothers me. It seems so disrespectful to his SO and comes across as such a controlling thing to do. I would be upset and annoyed if my future husband totally disregarded my feelings and opinions.

Like other women married for a long time, early on my husband bought me a few surprise gifts. I honestly appreciated the love behind them but eventually had a conversation with him and we agreed to let the person pick out their own expensive gifts. There's just too much money involved, be it jewelry or golf clubs, to purchase something that might not be what the person really wants. It has worked out great for us.

Cute story...my husband was telling me about a bracelet he saw on an airplane (he travels a lot for business and is always checking out jewelry because of me, so cute) and after he described it I said something along the lines of don't buy it for me...and he responded that he had no intention of actually getting it, and said "Can't I even show you pictures of something that I think you might like?" I felt like a world-class beotch and said of course you can, and I apologized several times.

I then seized the opportunity and mentioned that the only thing I was thinking about jewelry-wise was a possible reset for my OEC and he said he was fine with whatever I wanted to do. I told him I appreciated that he didn't think I was nuts for considering a reset...and he said "Oh, I think you're nuts, but I'm still fine with it!"

 

[MichelleCarmen]

This is going to come off a bit more judging and harsh then I mean it to you but I always feel those guys that don't listen to their GF's wants etc...will either have a Stanford wife or they pretty much explain the divorce rate at 50%. I realize this does not extend to every guy that gets a different ring then what his SO wants, but a blatant disregard for their own personal selfish reasons just doesn't sit well with me.

Yep, or there is going to be a lot of bickering going on throughout the years!

 

[baby monster]

One of my coworkers recently got engaged with a ring that was a complete opposite of her taste. She hid it from everyone for quite some time. Basically came out and told me that she hates the setting and will get the wedding band of her choice and then stop wearing the ER. But she won't change anything about the ring because "it was a suprise gift that he put a lot of effort into." So sad.

Makes me think about all other married women I know who only wear their WB and not the full set.

 

[Sparklelu]

I'm glad someone started this thread. That has always annoyed me when the BF "declares" what he is getting her because he has researched or wandered through a store and he knows better than little ole her!
Or makes the she doesn't know anything about clarity or cut. How does he know? She may have ooggled mom and grandmas jewels for years,but never made comments to him!
I'm also irked by the folks who come on a balk at the price of " the rock" ( I'm sorry that phrase to me is like nails on chalkboard!) yet I'm pretty sure the car they drive is not a $500 clunker.
This is something the majority of women WILL wear for the rest of their married lives, it should be at least as thought out as a car purchase.
I too find it a suspicious omen for the relationship.

As for clueless husbands mine does the weird thing of catching me say something is nice. And files that thought away and wham I get it as a gift three years later..... But you said it was nice, YEAH BUT! I never said I wanted it
After 34 years of marriage I've got him trained but it took a bit! I do have a pair of tanzanite and diamond earrings he paid a small fortune for that I have worn twice because they are so not me!
They are beautiful but not me! Any one want to buy them????

 

[Laila619]

My DH kind of did this, albeit he had good intentions. I offhandedly mentioned I liked yellow gold or platinum, but not white gold. I don't think he remembered or heard. What did he end up proposing with? A white gold setting, lol. He bought my ring at a mall chain store, and 90% of the settings in the case were white gold, so I could understand how it happened.

 

[movie zombie]

....................As for clueless husbands mine does the weird thing of catching me say something is nice. And files that thought away and wham I get it as a gift three years later..... But you said it was nice, YEAH BUT! I never said I wanted it After 34 years of marriage I've got him trained but it took a bit! I do have a pair of tanzanite and diamond earrings he paid a small fortune for that I have worn twice because they are so not me!
They are beautiful but not me! Any one want to buy them????

that's us! we've had that conversation as well.........and to be safe i now add after the its pretty "but its not me".

I can actually say my husband has never bought me jewelry.....and i'm just as glad as he is that he hasn't! he says he couldn't do it as he knows my "taste" is all over the spectrum. but he does not balk at my jewelry purchases!

and like others we have always even when we were just living together not bought major purchases for the other. it all started when he came home with a big box and I asked him what it was and he answered that it was my Christmas present to him! it took me 6 months one year to find his Christmas present to me [18k Italian gold chain on sale 1/2 price!] and my statement to him was "honey, I finally found your present to me for last Christmas" and he asked what it might be....

 

[SB621]

This is going to come off a bit more judging and harsh then I mean it to you but I always feel those guys that don't listen to their GF's wants etc...will either have a Stanford wife or they pretty much explain the divorce rate at 50%. I realize this does not extend to every guy that gets a different ring then what his SO wants, but a blatant disregard for their own personal selfish reasons just doesn't sit well with me.

I guess its a lose/lose situation for me. My husband isn't a control freak or a really bad guy. He spent 8+ months and consulted all his family members buying me an e-ring. And about 6+ months planning the car. He bought me an eternity band as a push present, took a female work college with him to shop and ignored everything she said to him and purchased what he thought was fantastic, and what he thought I would really love. In each of these cases he was trying to put a lot of thought and effort into a amazing and wonderful surprise. I have totally different taste to him and his mother and his sister for that matter too... He was totally devastated that I didn't like, let alone love his choices.

It makes for a horrible situation in a good marriage - you have a husband trying desperately to please a wife, a wife trying not to come across as a cow for hating everything but maintaining her own likes/dislikes and identity.

Like a few others here we have men that think a total surprise is the whole kick behind gift giving. I can give him a list of items and these days he will humour me and buy one or two things on the list, but mostly his idea of a great gift is something I don't know about.

Once again there is a difference between a husband trying HIS BEST to please YOU, but not knowing better vs. a husband who is blantanly disregarding what his wife wants because he thinks he knows better. I have met so many of those men- they are everywhere in the military. Perhaps that is why the divorce rate is around 70% for us

 

[arkieb1]

This is going to come off a bit more judging and harsh then I mean it to you but I always feel those guys that don't listen to their GF's wants etc...will either have a Stanford wife or they pretty much explain the divorce rate at 50%. I realize this does not extend to every guy that gets a different ring then what his SO wants, but a blatant disregard for their own personal selfish reasons just doesn't sit well with me.

I guess its a lose/lose situation for me. My husband isn't a control freak or a really bad guy. He spent 8+ months and consulted all his family members buying me an e-ring. And about 6+ months planning the car. He bought me an eternity band as a push present, took a female work college with him to shop and ignored everything she said to him and purchased what he thought was fantastic, and what he thought I would really love. In each of these cases he was trying to put a lot of thought and effort into a amazing and wonderful surprise. I have totally different taste to him and his mother and his sister for that matter too... He was totally devastated that I didn't like, let alone love his choices.

It makes for a horrible situation in a good marriage - you have a husband trying desperately to please a wife, a wife trying not to come across as a cow for hating everything but maintaining her own likes/dislikes and identity.

Like a few others here we have men that think a total surprise is the whole kick behind gift giving. I can give him a list of items and these days he will humour me and buy one or two things on the list, but mostly his idea of a great gift is something I don't know about.

Once again there is a difference between a husband trying HIS BEST to please YOU, but not knowing better vs. a husband who is blantanly disregarding what his wife wants because he thinks he knows better. I have met so many of those men- they are everywhere in the military. Perhaps that is why the divorce rate is around 70% for us

I don't think its as black & white as that. One of my friends is married to a Russian guy who has to dominate her and he either doesn't bother getting her anything because he doesn't care or he gets her something he would like himself...

My husband is head of the P & C what I think you call PTA because he wants to make a difference within the school. He takes time out of his busy life and work schedule to get involved in the community and care about others. I have women coming up to me telling me what a great guy he is.

I think it stems from the fact he was poor as a child and his idea of giving to others is both generously and as a surprise. The "key" for him is a surprise. I don't think its about exerting authority or not wanting to please me because I am university educated and really have a don't take sh@* from anyone type personality. Its taken me years of trying to educate him to tell him that varying something that I really want so that its a little different and a surprise doesn't always have the best outcome. It's to the point now where I do just go and buy what ever I like for myself and he is totally happy with that but on the flip side of it I see that this also makes him sad because he gets some kind of joy just trying to find something that I would actually like that is a complete surprise.

And I do think you are right there are guys out there that probably just want to go with their opinion because they have a "their opinion is better" type attitude, but that is not always the case.

 

[Smith1942]

I do think that some men just want to surprise their partner. It's not always about being controlling, although sometimes it is. I think that non-surprise gifts are something from this generation. My parents happily accept whatever they are given and expect that others will do the same with their gifts. They guy who refused to get the smart car - he should have spoken up and said that he didn't like them when they were discussing the purchase. It sounds as if he found it not so easy to articulate what HE thought, so he just came home with a different car. Not ideal, but it could just be a lack of confidence in speaking up rather than necessarily being controlling.

In terms of e-rings, I so wish my husband had involved me with the purchase. But he wanted the proposal to be a surprise, and I guess he felt it wasn't complete without The Ring. But he also took a female colleague shopping with him. So a woman that I don't know from Adam picked out my ring.

Where I come from in England, there is a famous jewellery quarter called The Lanes, many tiny winding little streets just big enough for two or three people to pass each other, all paved in red brick. The area is very old, and has at least a hundred jewellers. There are modern things, but also it's the place to go for very unusual antique jewels. You can find anything there, and some of the window displays are breathtaking. It's expensive but not as expensive as the Hearts on Fire that I got from him...which was so much money for what it was.

I always dreamt about wandering the Lanes with my fiance, having fun picking out a ring together in this very special jewellery quarter which happens to be in the town where I was born...but now that will never happen. I do like my ring, I just don't LOVE it, and also I know he had the best of intentions in wanting to surprise me, so it's OK. But it was a disappointment, for sure.

He did get me one or two other items of jewellery, but to be honest I don't really like his taste. That's why I buy my own jewellery and although it's a little unromantic that I've basically bought the collection myself, it does have the undeniable benefit that I absolutely LOVE all my stuff.

My mum - now, SHE has her dream engagement ring. She saw it in a jeweller's on London's Regent Street in 1963, and it was perfect for her. A blue zircon the EXACT colour of her eyes, surrounded by a halo of incredibly well-cut sparkly diamonds. It looks like a flower and suits her pure and natural personality as well as her eyes. She loved it but said NOTHING to my dad, because it cost six months of his salary - and he was a Merchant Navy officer, so not doing too badly. However, HE saw it too, mentioned it first and said he wanted buy it for her. Sigh....

However, their marriage turned out to be less than perfect and it's a marriage I could never have stayed in, personally (although they are still together almost 50 years later) so a perfect beginning with a perfect ring and a perfect proposal - they saw Nureyev at Covent Garden - doesn't always mean anything...

 

[Circe]

Another one to say that it's not necessarily a dominance thing when they choose something other than what they know their ladies want ... while there's an element of that in almost all human interaction, after having watched my husband, I do honestly feel like it's a combination of tunnel-vision - they love surprises, so surprises are great! - and some kind of weird proving thing. They can't take the easy out, NO - they're proving they care! By giving you a horrifying painting reproduced in miniature to wear around your neck instead of the little elegant thing you wanted! They THOUGHT about it.

For TWO WHOLE HOURS.

AHEM.

Basically, in a lot of cases, I think it's sweet if misguided. It's just that it only stays sweet if they respond with chagrin and the sweet and patient desire to replace the flawed item when confronted. If they get pissy about it? Then they're being controlling jerks, at least from where I stand ... because a mistake is innocent until it's explained, and if it's defended, that's sheer douchery. It's the end result that matters: if your "gift" makes somebody feel worse after they get it than before they had it, you've done it wrong. Acknowledge it and move on .....

 

[arkieb1]

"Another one to say that it's not necessarily a dominance thing when they choose something other than what they know their ladies want ... while there's an element of that in almost all human interaction, after having watched my husband, I do honestly feel like it's a combination of tunnel-vision - they love surprises, so surprises are great! - and some kind of weird proving thing. They can't take the easy out, NO - they're proving they care! By giving you a horrifying painting reproduced in miniature to wear around your neck instead of the little elegant thing you wanted! They THOUGHT about it.

For TWO WHOLE HOURS.

AHEM."




Yep - I think we could compare hideous jewellery together!!!!

 

[Circe]

We totally need a "Good Intentions" thread. We just need to be able to put it into some kind of a locked area ... poor dears would be crestfallen if they knew!

 

[Smith1942]

"Another one to say that it's not necessarily a dominance thing when they choose something other than what they know their ladies want ... while there's an element of that in almost all human interaction, after having watched my husband, I do honestly feel like it's a combination of tunnel-vision - they love surprises, so surprises are great! - and some kind of weird proving thing. They can't take the easy out, NO - they're proving they care! By giving you a horrifying painting reproduced in miniature to wear around your neck instead of the little elegant thing you wanted! They THOUGHT about it.

For TWO WHOLE HOURS.

AHEM."




Yep - I think we could compare hideous jewellery together!!!!

My husband once bought me the worst pair of earrings ever. Thick white gold hoops, large ones. Hollow, light, cheap. And since I have a small head, I looked like a gypsy. Any nice restaurant would have denied me entry. They weren't just large, they were THICK. All I needed was the fuschia tracksuit and the Croydon facelift, and a fag dangling from my mouth to be crowned Queen Chav.

 

[Lula]

There seems to be agreement that there are two distinct types of guys who do this:

The first type loves surprises and believes that a lot of the fun in gift-giving is the surprise element. But there are no power and control issues in the choosing of the gift.

The second type -- which is how the poster in the thread I'm referring to came across -- is the "I know better" type, who fully understands his girlfriend's or wife's preferences, but chooses something else because he just don't like what she chose or he thinks his choice is "better." So, in essence, he is willfully and intentionally overruling her choice. Which I could see if her choice was unsafe (in terms of a car, for example) or impractical (she wants a two-carat but I can't afford that). No, he chooses something else because he simply prefers it to what she chose. The second type creeps me out.

I once dated a guy who was clearly the first type -- and he definitely loved the surprise element. He was very sweet. Sometimes he'd give me something that was truly wonderful, and to my taste. But most times...not.

Circe -- wow! The imagery on that pendant is the stuff of nightmares!

 

[Smith1942]

There seems to be agreement that there are two distinct types of guys who do this:

The first type loves surprises and believes that a lot of the fun in gift-giving is the surprise element. But there are no power and control issues in the choosing of the gift.

The second type -- which is how the poster in the thread I'm referring to came across -- is the "I know better" type, who fully understands his girlfriend's or wife's preferences, but chooses something else because he just don't like what she chose or he thinks his choice is "better." So, in essence, he is willfully and intentionally overruling her choice. Which I could see if her choice was unsafe (in terms of a car, for example) or impractical (she wants a two-carat but I can't afford that). No, he chooses something else because he simply prefers it to what she chose. The second type creeps me out.

I once dated a guy who was clearly the first type -- and he definitely loved the surprise element. He was very sweet. Sometimes he'd give me something that was truly wonderful, and to my taste. But most times...not.

Circe -- wow! The imagery on that pendant is the stuff of nightmares!

What I want to know is, will Circe wear the pendant??

 

[Circe]

There seems to be agreement that there are two distinct types of guys who do this:

The first type loves surprises and believes that a lot of the fun in gift-giving is the surprise element. But there are no power and control issues in the choosing of the gift.

The second type -- which is how the poster in the thread I'm referring to came across -- is the "I know better" type, who fully understands his girlfriend's or wife's preferences, but chooses something else because he just don't like what she chose or he thinks his choice is "better." So, in essence, he is willfully and intentionally overruling her choice. Which I could see if her choice was unsafe (in terms of a car, for example) or impractical (she wants a two-carat but I can't afford that). No, he chooses something else because he simply prefers it to what she chose. The second type creeps me out.

I once dated a guy who was clearly the first type -- and he definitely loved the surprise element. He was very sweet. Sometimes he'd give me something that was truly wonderful, and to my taste. But most times...not.

Circe -- wow! The imagery on that pendant is the stuff of nightmares!

What I want to know is, will Circe wear the pendant??

Yeah, I figure I'll layer it with the cameo he got me for Valentine's Day.

NO I AM NOT KIDDING.

 

[Smith1942]

Circe...do you really own that Darth Vader pendant? Really, seriously? If you do, I have no words.

It's so beautiful!!!!!!

 

[luv2sparkle]

Oh my gosh,Circe! That is hilarious! I feel so much better about the stuff my hubby buys me now!

 

[Niel]

I went to a bridal party a few months bak and this girl was there, i didnt know her so i didnt say anything, but she was talking about her boyfriend. Apparently they had sat online or gone out and looked at rings. she had tol dhim she like "a diamond with really small diamonds around the side" (a halo i assume) she went on to tell us her boyfriend told her "i dont really care what you like im just going to get what i think is nice and you'll like it."

i couldnt even believe that. ONE; why in the WORLD would you take her shopping then? Why do you need her input if your just going to get whatever you want instead. TWO; why spend thousands on something she wont like?! it doesnt make sense to me. and THREE; im sorry, but that makes you sound like a HUGE tool to actually tell your girlfriend that. Imagine how she felt!

 

[Niel]

I have seen that here from time to time, and I always think that those marriages have a bad strike against them at the outset. Part of having a successful marriage is to be sensitive to the needs and desires of the other. It does not bode well at all for a guy to be so self-absorbed that he ignores her preferences and get what he likes instead. The only exception I can think of is if a girl shows the guy a ring she likes in a cheap mall store, then I think he should get the closest thing to it in a higher quality stone and setting elsewhere.

I agree if you can get her an elevated version if what she likes thats always the best idea. but i always wonder, if my SO came to me and said he wanted nothing else but a dolphin ring, could i really spend my money on one?

 

[arkieb1]

OMG you crack me up!!!!!!

Seriously we should start a thread with hideous jewellery given to us by our SO and family members!!! And anyone else can feel free to add suggestions - that dolphin ring is a real winner....

 

[Circe]

OMG you crack me up!!!!!!

Seriously we should start a thread with hideous jewellery given to us by our SO and family members!!! And anyone else can feel free to add suggestions - that dolphin ring is a real winner....

Oh, I'm wholly in favor of this idea, having been given some real winners - Darth and Co. are just the tip of the iceberg, because they're at least jokey and in-good-fun and I think the hubs would laugh if he saw them on here - but the problem is that Tacky Gift Giving Syndrome is like the Borderline Personality Disorder of the bling world. People who have it won't acknowledge it and will instead insist that YOU are the problem!

My parents, who gave me the most gawd-awful ugly paraiba ring to celebrate my Ph.D.? They think it's grand! They were appalled when I mentioned wanting to maybe ... say ... slice off the shank to turn it into a pendant, given that I've got a nice big chest but my finger JUST COULDN'T HANDLE 18MM. Ungrateful, they said. Desecrating a masterpiece, they said.

TGGS.

My good friend who gave me a bizarro-world cuff of ostrich eggshells ground into beads which were then woven into a bone-colored bracelet oddly reminiscent of the treads of a tank, if its treads were made of massive unborn baby chickens? Who usually has good taste? Who, with a faint air of disdain and disappointment RETURNED the nice Amrita Singh bracelet I gave her for the holidays because she no longer does costume? Dude, wear it or not, but the return is just crass. I still have the ostrich egg bracelet. I cherish the possibility of a theme party presenting me with the opportunity to wear it. I have not yet managed to come up with the theme.

TGGS.

I could go on. No, sadly, really I could, because my generally sweet friends appear to have expended their good taste in befriending moi. And it's not limited to jewelry. One of my fondest memories is of, in desperation, unearthing the pomegranate-shaped-and-sort-of-scented (I love pomegranates, but, you, sir, were no pomegranate) fancy ceramic scent-infused air-freshening thingy my BFF gave me for a holiday when we moved into our new apartment and ... lingered ... in changing the kitty litter. My husband had the MOST HILARIOUS expression of chagrin and relief and outrage after he changed the litter, experienced the continuing stench, and realized it was man-made. "THAT's what caused the smell?" he said - "THANK GOODNESS, I THOUGHT THE CATS WERE SICK." I believe my friend paid upwards of $50 for the damned thing.

TGGS. But in this case, TGGS that paid off, because I really don't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

It's like the silver lining of TGGS, the laughter. We should really find a way to make it work for us on here, if we can eliminate the lurking specter of disclosure and hurt feelings. Members-locked area, maybe?

 

[TC1987]

... I could go on. No, sadly, really I could, because my generally sweet friends appear to have expended their good taste in befriending moi. And it's not limited to jewelry. One of my fondest memories is of, in desperation, unearthing the pomegranate-shaped-and-sort-of-scented (I love pomegranates, but, you, sir, were no pomegranate) fancy ceramic scent-infused air-freshening thingy my BFF gave me for a holiday when we moved into our new apartment and ... lingered ... in changing the kitty litter. My husband had the MOST HILARIOUS expression of chagrin and relief and outrage after he changed the litter, experienced the continuing stench, and realized it was man-made. "THAT's what caused the smell?" he said - "THANK GOODNESS, I THOUGHT THE CATS WERE SICK." I believe my friend paid upwards of $50 for the damned thing.

...

Okay, this is like the 3rd of 4th time I have laughed out loud at this thread. I don't know why but when I saw that comment about giving him The Zazzle The Scream, I thought "No, a pair of The Scream cufflinks!" haha

 

[Circe]

YOU JUST SETTLED FATHER'S DAY.

 

[TC1987]

...

... have had the same issues my husband - he picked an engagement ring he liked spent ages picking the stone and then decided to enlist his mother to help him make the ring, which I hated from day one. A few years later he bought me a new car which I also hated (a new 2 door mini made by BMW) despite me telling him 1000 times I wanted an entirely different type of car a 4 door small 4 wheel drive that was cheaper than the car he bought. This resulted in a massive massive fight at the car dealers (he took me there blindfolded as a surprise and had paid for the car already).....

That is so awesome that you had a huge fight right there at the dealership. Probably you are now the stuff of legends. Did you leave the new car behind on the lot when you went home, too? I have to tell you this story: When I was a kid, my dad was in the habit of buying used cars out of people's front yards. They were decent enough vehicles for short-term use, but 1) always something out of style in an era when hot new muscle cars were the thing to be seen in, and 2) a unilateral decision. My mother is 4' 10.5" tall. There are a lot of cars that just are not ergonomic for someone her height. One of those yard-cars that Dad got was a '59 Plymouth Fury, some kind of funky faded beige, and it had HUGE fins. This was 1971 or so, and that kind of finmobile was sadly outdated. My mother had to stack pillows on the seat to see out, and I think they even had to put the wood blocks on the pedals so she could reach. This car was what she was supposed to drive, but the seat didn't adjust right, she had problems seeing around the big fins, she said the fins were distracting because it was like having something following her around all the time. And to boot, the dang Finmobile had a standard transmission with the shifter on the column.
She tried her best to make peace with Finmobile, but that car was just too uncomfortable and awkward to drive, plus too dowdy. And Mom,I am sure, resented that she had not been consulted on this purchase. Every time Mom shifted gears, she ground the gears. Ground the gears, a lot, all the time, every single gear change. My mother, who had learned how to drive a bulldozer,and a school bus, claimed she just could not manage to shift the gears right on Finmoble, Soon, Finmobile went down the road to the scrapyard and never came back.

 

[TC1987]

YOU JUST SETTLED FATHER'S DAY.

bwhahahahaahahah!

 

[woofmama]

LMAO-Keep it coming ladies!

 

[distracts]

I also think men don't get it because they aren't in the position of being socially judged by an item they wear as much as women are. Because they don't get judged daily on their clothes, shoes, hair, makeup, and jewelry the way women do, it doesn't occur to them to see the ring as an extension of self that must reflect whatever the wearer wants to project to the world.

I do think if you're spending a lot of money it should be something BOTH people like, especially for engagement/wedding rings that symbolize your union. I wanted a sapphire and my husband was okay with sapphires being incorporated in the design but really wanted them on the side because a diamond center stone was "traditional." After looking at a lot of stuff and seeing how happy sapphires made me, my husband was good to go on three-stone design with a sapphire center stone and diamond side stones. So we were able to find something that worked for us both. It wouldn't have been possible if we didn't shop together. If I had picked the ring out on my own, it would have been something he didn't love. If he had picked the ring out on his own, it would have been something I didn't love. Both of us thought it was silly to drop five figures on something without us both being in full agreement that it was totally awesome.

My husband and I have oppositional gift-giving strategies. I grew up loving to plan custom things - it was a togetherness activity! He thinks that all wish-lists, even wedding registries, are a tool of the devil, and if people love you, they will surprise you with something you never even knew you wanted.

Yeah. That sounds like a recipe for disaster!

Aaaaaah this is me and my husband too! I think gifts are an opportunity to buy someone you love something they love that they wouldn't have necessarily bought themselves. So wishlists are awesome. My husband thinks you buy gifts to show your knowledge of someone's likes and, yes, surprise them with someone you never knew you wanted. To me, this often comes across as "surprise me with something I never wanted." Yes, twice he has gotten it right. But we have had a lot more than two holidays together. There was one where I even cried because I disliked what he gave me so much (he bought me boots that laced all the way up and I couldn't tighten the laces and they looked all sloppy and dissolved into uncontrollable wailing - how had he never noticed that I only own one pair of shoes that laces and I never wear that pair?).

Fortunately he DOES want to make me happy, and so he's coming around. Also the crying about his gift thing was super awkward and a little scarring for both of us. It's kind of a struggle every time, but he's always really proud when he gives me something that I love, even if I picked it out, so I think he'll eventually get trained. (Weirdly enough, he is best at buying surprise clothing. He would die before go shopping with me, but every now and then he'll order a dress online for me and he always really hits it out of the park. One of those convertible wrap dresses in my favorite color, a Nicole Miller because he knows I like a lot of her stuff, etc.)

With mine, it is/will be (we just had this conversation) his touching analogy, "Gift lists are ... impersonal. I mean, would you rather have a gift someone concentrated on for two hours, or something their secretary just picked off a list with a budget?"

I actually burst out laughing. TWO WHOLE HOURS. Given that the corollary to his gift-giving is that he never hints and we have to read his mind to figure out what he wants, I don't think I've ever spent less than two MONTHS worrying about what to get him.

Oh my god, just like Rosetta, I think we may all be married to the same man. OF COURSE I'd rather have the picked-off-a-list gift! The concentrated-on-for-two-hours one probably means he went to Beretta and picked me up a tiny handgun! Cause that's what he keeps talking about wanting to get me! And yes, I too spend an extremely long time agonizing over what to get him - whenever he mentions that he wants something, it usually shows up on our doorstep two days later (thanks, Amazon Prime!), so I have to get really creative at anticipating what he will want next for his hobbies. It ends up in a lot of time spent on grilling forums to see what the cool new grilling crap is.

 

[arkieb1]

"That is so awesome that you had a huge fight right there at the dealership. Probably you are now the stuff of legends. Did you leave the new car behind on the lot when you went home, too?"


Actually it was complicated, it happened about the second year we were married.... He insisted on buying a car from a guy who owned a car dealership that he owed a huge favour to, that was the main reason I think he couldn't buy the type of car I had asked for and wanted. To cut a long story short it was VERY ugly actually we almost got divorced!!!!

I refused to take delivery of a car I did NOT want to own and he had paid for it already and could not lose face with his buddy. We left the dealership & went home and despite his best efforts to talk me into that car I simply refused to take it. He kept saying to me "I can't believe you just couldn't get in the car drive it out of there and then sort it out when we got home." I kept saying "I can't freakin believe you just spent over $30 000 plus on something without even asking my opinion."

As a result of that I had to get into a massive amount of debt to buy a different car, the only other type of cars that dealer sold were heaps more expensive (Volvos and BMWs) to get a small 4 door sedan, and his friends and a few select family members started referring to me as the precious bitch princess because I refused "the car" and supposedly played up for a more expensive one!!! That is NOT how it went down - it was all about him not losing face with his buddy. All of my friends thought he was insane buying that type of car, told him what a fu@#wit they thought he was and commended me for sticking to my guns.

Needless to say years later the last time he bought me a new car he took me to the dealership to test drive several different cars and I was involved in the whole process of picking my own car right down to the colour of the car and the type of seats..... So yes you can train them a little but by GOD did I have to go through a lot of stress and drama to do it!!!!